The Place We Find Ourselves

Jay Stringer, an author and therapist specializing in the intersection of sexuality and personal stories, shares insightful perspectives on the connection between our past and present sexual experiences. He discusses how understanding family dynamics and childhood attachments can illuminate current sexual struggles. The conversation emphasizes the importance of compassion in addressing sexual challenges and the transformative potential of exploring personal narratives. Don't miss the chance to join the upcoming Sexual Attachment Conference to deepen your understanding.

Today’s episode is different. Dan Allender takes over the podcast to interview me about my new book titled, Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Topics covered include: how to respond when we fail those we love, how the book launch re-enacts core dynamics in my life, how to listen to the story your body is telling you, as well as your sexual story and your collective story.

John Eldredge, the author of "Experience Jesus. Really," discusses the concept of being an 'ordinary mystic,' encouraging listeners to regularly experience the divine presence of God. He emphasizes that understanding isn't necessary to benefit from spiritual experiences, urging individuals to embrace their connection with Jesus, especially during difficult times. Eldredge also highlights the importance of turning toward God for healing, integrating fragmented parts of the heart, and nurturing emotional wounds through divine love.

I am joined today by my friend Gail Stucker who is a trauma-informed story coach. Gail generously shares a story about herself as an 8th grader. Topics we cover: taking your story seriously when you don’t believe you have any “capital T” trauma, longing for the delight of your parents, blessing your desire for delight as a good thing even though the unmet longing is agonizing, blessing anger at those who have harmed us, listening to the sensations in our bodies, and honoring what our hatred is telling us.

Dan Allender, an author and speaker specializing in the intersection of story, trauma, and faith, is joined by Cathy Loerzel, who collaborates with him in exploring story work. They delve into how our family origins shape our current thoughts and actions, emphasizing the healing power of understanding one’s personal narrative. Through personal anecdotes, they illustrate the transformative impact of self-reflection. They also promote an upcoming StoryWork conference in Atlanta, inviting listeners to engage in their healing journeys through storytelling.

I am joined today by Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Steve Call to talk about the complexities of marriage relationships. Dan and Steve recently co-authored a book titled, “The Deep-Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight.” If you are committed to the growth of yourself and your spouse, marriage will be hard. Today, Dan and Steve talk about how the look and feel of our present marriages are tied to each partner’s past story. We also discuss stuckness, shame, neurons, and blessing/cursing.

Explore the roots of avoidant and ambivalent attachment styles, discovered through childhood experiences with caregivers. Learn how these patterns manifest in adulthood, affecting relationship dynamics and emotional expressions. The discussion reveals the profound impact attachment styles have on interpersonal relationships, making the exploration both insightful and relatable.

Discover how our individual lives are deeply intertwined with collective cultural stories. The conversation highlights the necessity of acknowledging both the glory and the sins in our historical narratives. It addresses the profound impact of past injustices, particularly regarding Native Americans and the legacy of slavery. The discussion urges a collective healing process, recognizing racial trauma, and confronting systemic issues like white supremacy. Emphasizing honesty and care, it explores the importance of understanding our shared histories for healing and growth.

Memory is the way in which a past experience affects how the mind will function in the present. There are two layers of memory: explicit and implicit. There are two key attributes of implicit memory that are critical to understand. First, implicit memories are created whether you are paying attention or not. In other words, when you were a child, you recorded tons of information about your environment without trying to. It just happened. Because that’s how the brain works. Second, when you recall something that is stored in implicit memory, you do not have the sensation of recall. You don’t have that sense in your body of “I’m thinking back in time and remembering something.” When we leave home and set out into the world, we carry within us a storehouse of implicit memories. And those implicit memories tell us what to expect around every bend. 

Triangulation occurs when a parent requires a child to function as an emotional adult by meeting the parent’s adult needs and wants. Were you required to give, give, give to your parent, or was your parent continually giving, giving, giving emotionally to you? In a healthy parent-child relationship, there is plenty of connection—but the parent never imposes their emotional needs on the child. Triangulation results in two deadly dynamics. First, your goodness is consumed by one parent. Second, as a result of being consumed by one parent, you are setup to be envied by the other parent. When triangulation is present in a family, it is common (though not inevitable) for the triangulated relationship to become sexualized. By sexualized, I mean that there is erotic energy between Mom and the chosen son or Dad and the chosen daughter.