Dan Allender, an author and speaker specializing in the intersection of story, trauma, and faith, is joined by Cathy Loerzel, who collaborates with him in exploring story work. They delve into how our family origins shape our current thoughts and actions, emphasizing the healing power of understanding one’s personal narrative. Through personal anecdotes, they illustrate the transformative impact of self-reflection. They also promote an upcoming StoryWork conference in Atlanta, inviting listeners to engage in their healing journeys through storytelling.

I dive into a detailed explanation of avoidant and ambivalent attachment. I explain why and how a child develops each of these insecure attachment styles. I then outline how you are supposed to know in adulthood if you have an avoidant or ambivalent attachment style. Your attachment style (secure, avoidant, or ambivalent) profoundly affects how you experience relationships and how you express yourself in relationship. And your attachment style develops based on your relationship with your primary caregivers.

Discover how our individual lives are deeply intertwined with collective cultural stories. The conversation highlights the necessity of acknowledging both the glory and the sins in our historical narratives. It addresses the profound impact of past injustices, particularly regarding Native Americans and the legacy of slavery. The discussion urges a collective healing process, recognizing racial trauma, and confronting systemic issues like white supremacy. Emphasizing honesty and care, it explores the importance of understanding our shared histories for healing and growth.

Memory is the way in which a past experience affects how the mind will function in the present. There are two layers of memory: explicit and implicit. There are two key attributes of implicit memory that are critical to understand. First, implicit memories are created whether you are paying attention or not. In other words, when you were a child, you recorded tons of information about your environment without trying to. It just happened. Because that’s how the brain works. Second, when you recall something that is stored in implicit memory, you do not have the sensation of recall. You don’t have that sense in your body of “I’m thinking back in time and remembering something.” When we leave home and set out into the world, we carry within us a storehouse of implicit memories. And those implicit memories tell us what to expect around every bend. 

Triangulation occurs when a parent requires a child to function as an emotional adult by meeting the parent’s adult needs and wants. Were you required to give, give, give to your parent, or was your parent continually giving, giving, giving emotionally to you? In a healthy parent-child relationship, there is plenty of connection—but the parent never imposes their emotional needs on the child. Triangulation results in two deadly dynamics. First, your goodness is consumed by one parent. Second, as a result of being consumed by one parent, you are setup to be envied by the other parent. When triangulation is present in a family, it is common (though not inevitable) for the triangulated relationship to become sexualized. By sexualized, I mean that there is erotic energy between Mom and the chosen son or Dad and the chosen daughter.

Delve into the emotionally charged connection between sexuality and trauma. Discover how past experiences shape present desires and preferences. The journey emphasizes curiosity and kindness when exploring your sexual narrative. A personal recovery story highlights the effects of abuse on family dynamics. Healing is a key theme, spotlighting the human need for connection while recognizing the scars of the past. An upcoming book promises deeper insights into individual sexual stories, revealing the intricate layers of desire and healing.

I am joined today by therapist and friend Reid Zeller who shares a story about egging cars when he was 16. Behind every story is a backstory. The backstory includes the nature of the environment we grew up in. When religious or spiritual expectations are placed on the shoulders of a child, pressure builds within that child. And when that pressure inevitably leads to a bursting, what results is always a mixture of dignity and depravity. Both. If the podcast has been helpful to you, please consider supporting it financially. 

The discussion reveals the 'Big Six' essential needs children have from parents, including attunement and emotional engagement. Personal stories highlight the impact of these needs and the importance of parental responsiveness during tough times, such as bullying. Emotional safety is emphasized as crucial for healthy relationships. The speaker shares a touching journey of healing and repairing emotional ties with their own parents, illustrating the long-lasting effects of these dynamics on childhood development.

Discover how your childhood attachment experiences shape emotional regulation in adulthood. The podcast dives into the neuroscience behind attachment, highlighting the vital role caregivers play in developing emotional resilience. Learn about neural connectivity and how it influences affect regulation, showcasing the impact of myelination on emotional well-being. Gain insights into the importance of secure attachment for self-regulation and seeking help from others. This conversation sheds light on the connections between our past and present emotions.

This episode is for people who experience emotional pain but feel like “nothing that bad happened to me growing up. I had a pretty good childhood.” As it says in Jeremiah 6, it is very common to dress our wounds as though they are not serious. One way we tend to minimize our wounds is by comparing our story to someone else who “had it worse.” Another way we minimize our wounds is by spiritualizing away the harmful experiences we endured with sentences like, “God used that terrible experience to shape my character.” What is keeping you from having compassion for the harm you experienced as a boy or a girl? If the podcast has been helpful to you, please consider supporting it financially here.