What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood | Parenting Tips From Funny Moms

Is a mother only as happy as her unhappiest child? In our experience, yeah, pretty much. And studies (referenced below) back that up– although they also suggest many parents also derive their greatest happiness from their child-raising. So how do we separate out our own sense of well-being from our children’s struggles? And in a more everyday sense, how do we find happiness in the daily slog? We talk it out with guest KJ Dell’Antonia, former lead editor of The New York Times’ Motherlode blog and author of the brand-new book How to be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute. KJ says the key is finding simple, concrete solutions for what isn’t working– and letting go of some of the rest.As KJ puts it:When we’re not putting all our energy into getting our kids to eat and study and do everything exactly the way we want them to, we can put it into a much more positive place.Nobody’s saying that you have to live in denial of your kids’ reality. But we think disengaging from our children’s struggles just enough so that our happiness isn’t directly pegged to theirs is the key to happier, more effective parenting.Here’s links to other research and resources discussed in this episode:Jordan Schrader for Alcalde: Parents’ Happiness Linked to Their Least Happy Child’s Claire E. Ashton-James, Kostadin Kushlev, Elizabeth W. Dunn: Parents Reap What They Sow: Child-Centrism and Parental Well-BeingJulie Beck for The Atlantic: Study: Parents Only as Happy as Their Unhappiest Child“Welcome to Holland,” by Emily Perl Kingsleyand Shakespearean voice teacher Patsy Rodenburg’s book The Second Circle, which Amy says has influenced her more than any book she’s ever read. Read its excerpts on parenting here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How are we supposed to respond when our kids talk back? Some experts say it’s normal child behavior, and as such, we should take a deep breath and ignore it. We say no way. But yelling “How dare you talk to me like that in my house?” isn’t getting us anywhere, either. So what’s the best response? In this episode we discuss  how our kids’ talking back can really be about underlying anxiety how talking back is also about who’s in control how our response is the key to setting ongoing expectations why it’s harder for us to handle talking back when it happens in public why Margaret thinks it’s okay if our kids think we’re a little bit like Darth Vader why Amy says a little Yoda thrown in there might not be the worst idea  We like Dr. Laura Markham’s suggestion for a better thing to say when kids talk back:You can tell me what you’re upset about without attacking me. What’s going on?Even for grownups, there’s a difference between standing up for yourself and being rude. We want our kids to have the ability to do the former without the latter. Which means we have to show them how to do it.Here’s links to other articles and research discussed in this episode:Dr. Laura Markham for Psychology Today: What To Do When Your Kid Talks BackTamekia Reece for Parents: What To Do When Kids Talk BackDr. Michele Borba for Parents: Helping Kids Handle AngerThe Military Wife and Mom: How to Handle Back Talk and Disrespect Like a Parenting WarriorJoseph P. Allen et al, University of Virginia: Predictors of Susceptibility to Peer Influence Regarding Substance Use in Adolescence…and Margaret recommended the book What Children Learn From Their Parents’ Marriages Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Once we become parents, there is a great divide— of perspectives, bedtimes, and tolerance of twee photo shoots— between us and our friends without kids. Even the closest of those relationships can suffer as a result. Whose fault that is probably depends on who you’re asking. In this episode we talk about  how to stay connected with our friends without kids how to reconnect if we’ve drifted apart the ways in which our friends with kids do not get it the ways in which friends without kids do not enjoy being told they don’t get it  Then Margaret talks it out with one of her friends without kids, Candace Feit– documentary photographer, multiple-dog-owner, world traveler, leisurely bruncher. Candy explains once and for all when our friends without kids want to be invited to our kids’ birthday parties and piano recitals, and when they most certainly do not. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

 We asked all of you to tell us the one random thing you can’t live without—whether for your parenting sanity, or just for yourself. In this episode, we discuss the unexpected must-haves that us all going, from grapefruit LaCroix to Target bathing suits. Here are just a few of the things you might not have thought were that important but which matter entirely:  those packets of desiccant that come in shoe boxes- which Amy used to resuscitate a smartphone that had fallen in the bathtubwhite vinegarDunkin’ Donuts unsweetened iced tea (no lemon)white noise machines (for both babies, and the grownups who have gotten too used to listening for them all night)baby carriers (your favorite brands: babytula.com, Ergobaby, and Lillebaby)This episode is full of gee-I-should-try-thats. Thanks to everyone who submitted ideas— even the person who said floss picks. You are heard. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At school our sons keep it together. At home, flushing the toilet is well beyond their capability. This leads to a litany of “hurry up, put that down, stop doing that, start doing this” from their mothers. But are we too hard on our boys? We had an “aha moment” after reading this question posed by parenting expert Wendy Mogel:What percentage of your communication with your son consists of nagging, reminding, chastising or yelling?We’re going to respectfully decline to answer that question, as is our Fifth Amendment right. But we love Mogel’s solution: Talk to them like dogs. Really. Read the whole article; it’s a real perspective-changer. Mogel suggests that as our children’s lives become more intense and more structured, with ever-increasing homework when they finally get home, our boys are losing their chances to run and bark and chew on shoes (metaphorically). And that that’s leading to all sorts of issues.In this episode we discuss:how studies have proven that we treat infant daughters and sons differently- even before they can speakhow to fight against the parenting norms of what David Lancy calls “WEIRD societies” (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, Democratic)why the key to our sons’ happiness can often be found in the garagehow to be interested (really interested) in what our sons are interested in. Even if it’s Fortnite.Here’s links to studies and research and other things we discuss:David Lancy in Human Relations Area Files: A Cross-Cultural Perspective on ChildhoodAndrew Reiner for the NYT: Talking To Boys the Way We Talk To GirlsDr. Edward Tronick, et al, for Harvard Medical School and Developmental Psychology: Gender differences in emotional expressivity and self-regulation during early infancySt. Augustine Prep School website: Anxiety in Young Boys is Not Normal 2017 Emory study: Child gender influences paternal behavior and language Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

From giving up the pacifier to memorizing a locker combination, growing up is a series of reluctantly-greeted transitions. The ages and challenges change, but the anxiety produced remains familiar. For us too.  We’re here to tell you that whatever transition you’re shepherding your kid through, this is not forever. This is just right now. Our sons and daughters will not be sucking their thumbs at prom, so long as we parents get just the right amount of not totally over-involved. In this episode, we discuss   how to practice transitions early and often why transitions are harder for introverts the power of magical thinking the totally wrong time to introduce the big kid bed how forced transitions can lead to “tensional outlets”  the importance of peer relationships as kids transition to middle school  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

First we’re setting aside our own hopes and dreams to have (and raise) our kids. Then we’re relentlessly mocked (perhaps correctly) for being over-invested in the fourth-grade luau. Are we living through our kids? And how do we stop? Psychologists have long said that mothers transfer our own unfulfilled ambition onto our children. “Symbolic self-completion theory” suggests that we look to our children as symbols of ourselves, and transfer our ambitions to them— which is why we’re not jealous when they get the big part in the school play; we’re a little too thrilled. Sing out Louise!But as psychologist Wendy Mogel reminds us, our children are not our masterpieces , and pushing them towards our own notions of greatness prevents them from becoming the humans they are meant to be. In this episode we discuss the pitfalls of “achievement by proxy distortion” and how to take a step back if you find yourself a little too enmeshed.Our favorite book on this topic is Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus, the story of a tiger cub who just isn’t getting it and his dad who is trying to not freak out. Recommended for kids, really recommended for parents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Before we became mothers, most of us had fairly clear notions of the kinds of parents we wanted to be— and extremely clear notions of the mothers we would not, under any circumstances, ever be. Our children would eat whatever was on their plates. Our children would be screen-free until kindergarten. Our children would never hear anything but their mothers’ most dulcet of tones. And then we became mothers. We asked you to tell us the mothers you swore you’d never be— and yet somehow are. (Once in a while.) In this episode we share our own confessions and commiserate with you all. No food in the living room? No crying it out? No plastic toys? How’d that work out?  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A dad in Bermuda recently joined his young daughter on stage at her ballet recital when she was too frightened to perform. He was carrying another one of their children at the time. Video of that moment went viral, the dad got his own hashtag, and the world stopped to honor his awesomeness.Here’s our question: would a mother doing the same thing have gotten any attention at all?There’s no question that dads get graded on a curve in our society. Times are changing— fathers are now the primary caregiver for about one out of every four preschool-age children, according to the U.S. Census Bureau— but stereotypes die hard. And while we as mothers may grade our husbands’ household contributions against our own, the larger world grades them against the Don Draper-style fathers of yore— which means that any guy wearing a Baby Bjorn gets a ticker tape parade.In this episode we give that notion several eye rolls. Kevin Madsen of the Hey Dad podcast is our guest, and he says dads don’t necessarily love the curved grading either. While the extra credit is kind of nice sometimes, Kevin says he’s tired of being sold short by people assuming he can’t possibly know how to take care of his own children as well as his wife can.So let’s stop grading the dads in our lives on a curve. Hell, let’s stop grading them at all. And here’s a tip for dads: stop telling your wives you do more than your own dads did. We know. And it’s a start.Here’s links to some research discussed in this episode:Paul Scott for Parents: The Responsibilities and Expectations of the New American DadEugene Volokh for the Washington Post: In Praise of Grading on a Curveand this viral post by Facebook employee Tom Stocky , on the “ridiculous praise” he got for changing a diaper or buying groceries with his daughter while on parental leave. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

 The biggest drawback to vacationing with kids may be this: wherever you go, your kids will still actually be with you.  But seriously… successful traveling as a family means keeping everyone happy. That doesn’t mean your choice of vacation destination needs to revolve around your kids, but it does mean your expectations for sightseeing or miles logged per day might need to be somewhat flexible. After all, you have even less of an escape from your kids complaining while on vacation than you do when you’re at home. And despite all the hassles, we both love traveling with our kids. Even when it’s not easy, it’s always worth the journey. So this episode is full of ideas for creating family vacations with appeal for all age groups, whether you’re going across the state or around the world. We discuss:  the wonders of RV travel why the anticipation of a trip can be as much fun as the trip itself the indispensability of Ziploc bags how older kids will accept sightseeing when it is offered with a tiny side order of danger our listeners’ very best travel-with-kids tips  Here’s some writing we love about traveling with kids: Meg Lukans Noonan for Travel and Leisure: The Age-Appropriate VacationMariam Navaid Ottimofiore for The Huffington Post: Seven Reasons Why Travel is Never Wasted on Young KidsSarah Clemence for Travel and Leisure: 10 Essential Hacks for Traveling with Small Kids…and our own Episode 20, on what to pack when traveling with kids Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices