What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood | Parenting Tips From Funny Moms

Why are some little boys so obsessed with trains or dinosaurs- or World War II, or even blenders? Psychologists call these preschool preoccupations “extremely intense interests,” and studies have proven they much more common among boys than girls.In this episode we talk about some of the more common “extremely intense interests” out there, like* Thomas the Tank Engine.Why do so many boys go wild for the Isle of Sodor? Is it the wheels? Is it the characters with clear and never-changing facial expressions?* Actually, all toys with wheels. Researchers found the same clear preference for wheeled toys among boy monkeys as they did with children.* Dinosaurs. Is it the long names? The endless opportunities to “systemize”? Or is it mostly the people-eating potential?* Superheroes: powers, villains, and perhaps a plausible opening to “super-punch” a sibling.* Nerf guns and play weapons. Dr. Michael Thompson says “boys’ fantasy lives are no place for lessons on subjectivity and humanizing the other.” Whether or not you agree with that statement, you will probably agree that boys, when deprived of play weapons, can just as merrily duel with sippy cups or pillows or whatever might be handy. “Extremely intense interests” tend to disappear once the kids who have them get to grade school, and have both new subject matter to master and peers with whom to assimilate. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When we were kids, there weren’t any IEPs. There weren’t any teacher conferences (unless someone was in BIG trouble). There wasn’t any school website. For better and for worse, the teacher/parent relationship was not something that our parents considered. It barely even existed.Today our kids’ homework loads, the ever-beckoning online portal, the costs of a good education— and okay, our perhaps sometimes-over-involvement in our children’s lives— all mean that we are meant to have a much more direct relationship with our children’s teachers, and they with us, than our parents could have ever imagined.We think this is a good thing. We also think it’s complicated. We also think it’s a great episode idea, suggested by one of our listeners who is a teacher. So on our Facebook page we asked teachers:“What do your favorite parents do (and not do) to support your work?”In this episode we discuss the advice those teachers gave us, includingwhat teachers want us to understand as parentsthe beat-the-clock madness of back-to-school nightshow to get the most out of a parent-teacher conferencethe things you need to make sure your child’s teacher understands (and they’re not all learning-related. Then again, maybe they are)how to email teachers without annoying themhow to keep conversations productive even in difficult situationsThanks to all the teachers who contributed their advice to this episode. Here’s two of our favorite answers. We’ll be keeping these in mind:ELLEN: My favorite parents are the ones that follow through at home. They never blame the teacher. They choose to work with the teacher. You can openly and honestly address academic and behavior concerns with these parents because you know they have your back and you are in it together for the year. Finally, a simple note of thank you or support goes a LONG way. It doesn’t have to come with a gift. It simply needs to come from the heart.LAUREN: I have been a K-2 teacher the past 10 years and the biggest thing that parents can do is listen to teachers and understand that most teachers have your child’s best interest at heart, are passionate about what they do, and are on your team. Those are the parents that I have always appreciated the most. Green Chef, Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When one of our kids is having a meltdown in Aisle Six of the supermarket, we will often remind ourselves: He’s not giving us a hard time. He’s having a hard time. And sometimes those words will seem zero percent helpful. But they’re true. As Dr. Ross Greene puts it, “Kids do well if they can.” Therefore, when they’re falling apart there’s a reason, as Dr. Vasco Lopes of the Child Mind Institute explains: “A majority of kids who have frequent meltdowns do it in very predictable situations.”Parenting expert Dr. Stuart Shanker suggests we reframe our responses by getting curious about where the outburst is coming from, finding patterns that might provide clues– and then teach our children the skills to regulate their emotions themselves. We loved this infographic by Kristin Weins, reminding us that tantrums are kind of like icebergs: there’s much more beneath the surface than what we can see.In this episode we discuss:how to help children of all ages regulate their emotions so tantrums occur less frequentlywhy toddlers’ tantrums are a biological imperative (sorry)the things to do during a tantrum vs. the things to definitely do later* how to keep ourselves out of “red brain” even when our kids are therewhat not to say once they finally calm downwhy teenagers’ tantrums feel like they come out of nowhereAnd here’s links to some of the research and resources discussed in this episode:Dr. Stuart Shanker’s Self-Reg Knowledge SeriesKathleen Megan for The Hartford Courant: The Biology Behind Teens’ Temper Tantrumsunderstood.org: Why Does My Child Still Have Temper Tantrums?childmind.org: How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation?Dr. Harvey Karp’s “fast food rule” for talking to a toddlerthe “chicken cheese bread” recipe Margaret mentioned:If all else fails, and you need new inspiration to keep calm, try this advice from Dr. David Walsh: If you feel your blood pressure rising, take a deep breath and remember this advice: ‘When you feel like taking the wind out of his sails, it is a better idea to take your sails out of his wind.’  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

 A couple weeks ago we asked all of you to tell us what’s keeping you from being your happiest mom selves. There was a clear number one answer. Here’s how listener Colleen put it:  I think I struggle most with time management. There are only so many hours in the day and I want to do it all. I am a part-time health coach working for myself, but honestly not working a lot right now because I feel pulled in a hundred different directions as a parent. I really just wish for more hours in the day.  Even with the best of intentions, we all sometimes end up freaking out about how much we have to do— and therefore doing nothing at all, frozen in place like the dog in David Lynch’s comic strip The Angriest Dog in the World (which also handily serves as Margaret’s #oldilocksalert for this week).In this episode we talk about the ways we manage our time to work smarter, likeWorkflowy (use our link to get the first 250 items free)Self Control app or the Chrome extension Block SiteLaura Vanderkam’s books and 168 Hours Time Management worksheetAmy also talks time management strategies with guest Jessica N. Turner, author of the new book Stretched Too Thin: How Working Moms Can Lose the Guilt, Work Smarter, and Thrive. We talk about “need to do” vs. “nice to do,” the non-negotiability of self-care, and what it means to thrive in all areas of our lives as working mothers.The best time management secret? Be more gentle with ourselves, not more demanding. The systems are in place to help us do what matters. Not to help us do more.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ask any parent: 5 to 8 p.m. is the hardest time of day. When kids are little, the toddler’s melting down because she skipped his nap at the same time her baby brother begins observation of his daily “witching hour.” When kids are big, you need to get them three places at the same time while also being home to make dinner— and then make sure everyone gets to bed on time (kidding, that is seriously never going to happen). If it makes you feel any better, there’s a reason kids save up their worst behavior for their home environment. Parenting expert and educator Andrea Loewen Nair calls what happens between pickup and bedtime “after school restraint collapse.” As Ms. Nair explains:It takes a great deal of energy, mental motivation, emotional containment, and physical restraint to keep ourselves at our best for other people while at work, daycare, or school.There’s the rub: Mom and Dad are also exhausted from a full day of behaving like a normal human being for the rest of the world. No wonder this time of day is so bad. But fear not— this episode is full of ideas and strategies for making this time of day a little easier, like:always having a steak to throw to the angry bearwhat to say to cranky after-schoolers besides “how was your day?”providing age-appropriate decompression strategiesmoving the acceptable time for pajamas to be worn earlier and earlier as the days get shorterHere’s links to the research and other great ideas discussed in this episode:LINKSColleen Seto for Today’s Parent: After-School Restraint Collapse is a Real Thing. Here’s How To Deal With It Andrea Loewen Nair: 7 WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD HANDLE THEIR “AFTER SCHOOL RESTRAINT COLLAPSE”Alice Bradley for Lifehacker: Stop Asking Your Kid About Their DayHeather Marcoux for Motherly: After-school restraint collapse is real—here’s how to help your childJustine Lorelle LaMonaco for Motherly: If your kids act worse around you, there might be a (very good) reason why Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What’s the right number of kids? For most of us (at least most of the time) it’s the number we actually have. Here’s how our listener Mahima put it: “as many babes as you are blessed with is the perfect number.” Still, it’s a question we ask ourselves at many times throughout our lives, before and after we become parents, and there are many factors which play into the decision— like money. Here’s a sobering statistic: a 2015 report by economists at the US Department of Agriculture estimated that middle-income married-couple family will spend $233,610 from birth through age 17 on child-rearing expenses. Per child. Not including college. (Editor’s note: Amy was also going to put up a link to their “Cost of Raising a Child Calculator” but Margaret has forbidden it on the grounds of it being too depressing.)But finances aren’t the only consideration, and families of each size have distinct benefits (and okay, a couple of drawbacks). In this episode we discuss:  all the things we (and our listeners) considered when making this decision for their familieswhy only children may maximize their mothers’ well-beingwhy two children may be the magic number for familial happinesswhy, in our own experiences, three children is awesomewhy parents with four or more children might not actually be crazy Obviously there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. When you know, you know, but it’s okay to be undecided, like our listener Chana: “I just had my 10th. I haven’t found the perfect number yet. I guess I’ll keep going till I do.” Go Chana! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

If you’ve got kids, you’ve got too much stuff. Here’s how our listener Holly put it: “With kids, there is truly no end to the influx of toys, keepsakes and clothes coming in, plus things they’ve outgrown that need to go out. My three kids range in age from one to nine years old, and I struggle with what items to save for the baby to grow into. Do I really want to hold onto pajamas for him to grow into six years? The sentimentality of it all weighs on me, too. The constant mental space this process consumes is definitely my biggest consistent downer as a mom.” Fear not: we are here to help! In this episode we discuss  why it can be actually, physically painful to throw things away why decorative baskets are actually the worst why the giveaway and hand-me-down bins should be right in your kids’ closets the unpronounceable but useful “RFASR” declutter formulawhy sentimentality is in the eye of the beholder Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Most of us would like our kids to express— and feel— more gratitude. But yelling “There are children in India who don’t even have XBoxes!” doesn’t seem to be sufficiently getting the message across. Kids are kids; they lack perspective by definition. Practicing gratitude means having the ability to imagine a reality other than one’s own, and that might take a while. Researchers Blaire Morgan and Liz Gulliford explain it this way in their book Developing Gratitude in Children and Adolescents:It is largely agreed that gratitude is not inbuilt; instead it develops over time, as certain capacities become available and cognitive abilities mature… it requires a great deal of practice.Still, gratitude really matters, and our kids having that skill isn’t just about bonus parenting points for us. Our children will have better lives if they’re more grateful. Seriously, studies. Parenting expert Jennifer Wallace says gratitude creates “an upward spiral of positive emotions,” and who doesn’t want those?So: until that attitude of gratitude comes naturally, how do we get our kids to say “thank you” like they mean it? Maybe even remember to do so unprompted once in a while? In this episode, we discuss specific ways to build a practice of gratitude with (and for) your kids, at all ages and stages.Here’s links to the studies and other writing on gratitude discussed in this episode:Jennifer Breheny Wallace for the Wall Street Journal: How To Raise More Grateful ChildrenHoma Navangar for PBS Parents: Ten Ways To Raise a Grateful KidMaryam Abdullah for Greater Good Magazine: How To Help Gratitude Grow in Your KidsMayim Bialik for today.com: Why I Don’t Force My Kids To Say ‘Please’The Effects of Botox Injections on Emotional Experience     Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Moms aren’t supposed to struggle; we’re supposed to be benevolent goddesses of wisdom and Hamburger Helper. Our families (kids and yes, our partners too) have an invested need in our seeming safe and together at all times- and so we feel obligated to provide that. But are we then further contributing to the myth of Mom as infallible, perfect, able to handle it all? When things get tough, and the facade gets too hard to keep up, should we let our kids in? Or is that burdening them? And what happens when there’s things we really can’t share? We discuss struggles and the way back with guest Janelle Hanchett, author of the new book I’m Just Happy to Be Here: A Memoir of Renegade Mothering. Janelle’s book explores motherhood from what she calls “a place of deep imperfection,” telling the story of her descent into alcoholism after having children, her separation from them, and their eventual reuniting. Janelle knows from struggle, and here’s one way she suggests we might address tough moments with our kids:“This is why I’m struggling. And here’s what I’m doing to take care of myself. And you don’t have to worry, because this is what we’re going to do to get through it. And I’m not perfect. And I apologize to you for screwing up. And I’m going to try to do better in the future.”I’m Just Happy to Be Here asks: does motherhood really turn us into better versions of ourselves? And what happens if that doesn’t happen? Even if addiction and recovery aren’t part of your motherhood story, we think you’ll really love Janelle’s book.Here’s links to some of the other resources we discuss in this episode:* Brene Brown’s TED Talk on the power of vulnerability* Paige Nolan and her work honoring the truth of women’s lives* Serena Williams’ Instagram feed, where she talks openly about her struggles with postpartum depression Here’s our takeaway: we mothers don’t always have to compound our struggles by keeping them secret at all costs. It’s okay for us not to be okay sometimes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It’s not your imagination: kids raised in the same family really do push in opposite directions– and we mean POLAR opposites, especially for closely-spaced or same-sex siblings. But why the de-identification? And how is it even possible for kids reared in the same environment to be so completely different? In this episode we discuss:  the three theories social scientists have about this phenomenon why siblings may “evolve” like Darwin’s finches how “the shy one” in a given family may not be that shy at all- except compared to that outgoing sibling what parents need to watch out for in terms of leaning in to these (sometimes oversimplified) categories  Here’s links to the fascinating research, and stuff that it reminded us of, discussed in this episode: Alix Spiegel for NPR: Siblings Share Genes, But Rarely PersonalitiesNYT: Each Sibling Experiences a Different FamilyDr. Robert Plomin and Dr Denise Daniels: Why are Children in the Same Family So Different From One Another?Dr. Frank Sullaway: Why Siblings Are Like Darwin’s Finches: Birth Order, Sibling Competition, and Adaptive Divergence within the FamilyDr. Robert Plomin and Dr. Judy Dunn: Why Are Siblings So Different? The Significance of Differences in Sibling Experiences Within the FamilyScience Daily: Parents’ Comparisons Make Siblings DifferentDr. Alexander Jensen and Dr. Susan McHale: What makes siblings different? The development of sibling differences in academic achievement and interests.Amy’s yin-and-yang sons, born on the Chinese days of Greatest Heat (Dashu) and Deepest Snow (Daxue)the hilarious book Hyperbole and a Half, with its “Hot Sauce” reminder of what happens when we lean too hard into what we maybe only *think* are our children’s defining characteristicsand our own episode discussing birth order and how it shapes our kids’ personalities. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices