What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood | Parenting Tips From Funny Moms

Entertaining at home is kind of like exercise: you’re so happy that you did it, but that doesn’t stop you from dreading it the next time around. Who should you invite? What should you serve? Will you ever find a playlist that won't unexpectedly veer into gangster rap or Kidzbop? In this episode we discuss ways to take the stress out of having people over:lowering your standards (okay, easier said than done, but give it a shot)sticking with what works- nail down a few go-to dishes, and then make them every timehaving buffets instead of sit-down dinnershosting potlucks (although Amy claims these can actually be *more* work for the host)figuring out what music you’re going to play before the doorbell ringsAnd here’s some useful links for more ideas- and more reassurance:The Simple Dollar: How to Organize a Cost-Effective and Fun Dinner PartyLaura Gaskill for Forbes: 8 Stress-Busting Tips For Hosting Small Gatherings Nancy Mitchell for Apartment Therapy: Why Doesn’t Anyone Have Parties Anymore? Teddy Wayne for NYT: The Death of the PartyGfK: Half of Americans entertain guests in their homes at least once a monthIsadora Allman for Psychology Today: On Entertaining and Being EntertainedTony Naylor for The Guardian: The new rules of dinner parties: don't be on time – and bring more booze than you needHaving people over is always worth the effort. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the potluck!Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Yikes. Do we really have to have “The Talk”? Yes, we do… and sooner than we’d probably like to think. Studies show that giving our kids appropriate information *before* they need it not only makes them more likely to make good decisions once they become sexually active— it also may delay the age at which such activities will begin. In this episode we discuss: the ages and stages of The Talk (a four-year-old gets a different answer than a preteen)why you don’t want your kids’ peers to be the arbiters of this informationwhy there’s not one “talk,” but many (or should be)how to be an “askable parent” why mothers are usually the parents tasked with these conversationshow internet parental blockers can also prevent our kids from seeing useful sex-ed contenthow to punt when you’re caught off guard (which is fine as long as you circle back later)And here’s links to research and studies we discuss in this episode: John Sharry, Solution Talk: Facts of Life: At What Age Should We Tell Our Children About Sex?Center For Young Women’s Health at Boston Children’s Hospital: Talking to Your Tween about Sexuality: A Guide for ParentsLola’s personal, honest, real-life guide to your first periodAdvocates for Youth: Are Parents and Teens Talking About Sex? advocatesforyouth.orgDr. Colleen Diiorio et al: Journal of Adolescent Health: Communication about sexual issues: mothers, fathers, and friendsRebecca Ruiz for Mashable: Internet gatekeepers block sex ed content because algorithms think they’re pornIt’s up to us to keep the conversation going on these topics. And if you’d rather stick your head in the sand, keep in mind it doesn’t have to be only about the improbable mechanics of it all. Here’s great advice from the Center for Young Women’s Health:Remember that sexuality is a much larger topic than sexual intercourse. It also includes topics such as gender, intimacy, sexual orientation… Talking to your tween about sexuality is an opportunity to share your beliefs about healthy behaviors and relationships with them. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

New year, new datebook— and some very familiar goals. But this is the year we make things HAPPEN. We’re going to start by taking Jon Acuff’s advice to make our goals smaller- we mean absurdly achievable- and build from there. Acuff studied goal-setting and found thatPeople with smaller goals are 63% more successful. Go big might be a good slogan for a gym wall, but if you really want to win, go small.In this episode we discuss our goals for the coming year, including:* Margaret’s “most massive purge” of her home* Amy’s word for 2019: OPEN* facing our fears* engaging less with our kids when they’re being arbitrarily cranky and challenging* becoming more curious about our spouses’ perspectives* entertaining more* reading more fictionWhat are your goals for the coming year? Tell us!Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode contains excerpts from our latest What Fresh Hell Live! show, performed at the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center in Chappaqua, NY on December 1, 2018.Interested in having What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood come to your town? We book live shows into performing arts centers around the country. We also do smaller custom events for Parents’ Associations and other groups.Drop us a line at info@whatfreshhellpodcast.com to hear more about how you can get our show to your town. Even just telling us there’s interest can get the ball rolling.You can always check out our website (whatfreshhellpodcast.com) to see where we will be appearing next. We’ll be making some 2019 announcements soon!Photo: Chad David Kraus Photography     Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

’Tis the season for traditions— most of them shopped for, planned, and generally upheld by moms. And for some of us, sending 300 holiday cards or creating a new tableau for a six-inch elf every night before bed really gets us in the holiday spirit. But most of us, at this time of year, have more to do than hours to do it. Many of us think we’re done shopping and only then remember Aunt Doris who is impossible to buy for (and has expressed specific disappointment in gift cards). Many of us have kids at whom we may have raised our voices after the fifth or sixth question about when we were going to make all the Christmas cookies this year. So we asked our listeners:  What are the holiday traditions that you love and work great for your family? What are the things you’d rather never do again but feel like you can’t stop now?  In this episode, we discuss your responses, plus:how to get out from under the traditions you wished you never startedwhat to consider before letting a new tradition take root (keeping in mind that anything that happens at this time of year will immediately be deemed “something we do every year”)why the Elf on the Shelf might be a slippery slope to the full-on surveillance statewhy the joy of anticipation is at least as good as the moment anticipatedhow the Danish concept of hygge factors in to all of thiseasy holiday traditions like “Christmas Adam,” which as far as we can tell mostly involves holiday pajamas and Rankin-Bass specialsLean into the hygge this holiday season. Push back against the incremental spend, the just running out for one more thing.Lean into the anticipation, because that’s the sweet spot.Oh, and Christmas lights. Lots of them. (They do wonders for Seasonal Affective Disorder.)Special thanks to our guest comedy bit reader for this week: Sean Conroy of The Long Shot Podcast! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

As the days get shorter, and colder, and darker, our listener Tamar suggested we do an episode on “how not to go insane when you can’t go outside.” (If anyone has any ideas for her, please reach out.)Seriously, our energy levels are especially depleted during the winter. It’s science: our bodies get less vitamin D, produce more melatonin (which encourages sleep) and less serotonin (which fights depression). No wonder we all want to put on the fuzzy pants, get under the covers, and call it a day.But we’re parents. Which means that while our own batteries are totally run down, we also have to deal with cranky kids who’ve watched way too many YouTube videos today and we should have gotten them outside but it’s 4:35 pm and it’s as dark as deep space out there and never has bedtime seemed so far away.In this episode we discuss:  the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder— and how to tell if our kids have it toothe “exercise effect,” and why we resist exercise just when we need it the mostwhy fresh air is actually a thinghow to keep our kids busy on long days indoors with “theme days” and other new approaches to familiar thingshow to tell if you’re *in* or *out* of Daylight Savings Time (just stop and think: has daylight been saved? If it’s dark at 4:30, then no, it hasn’t… and therefore you are not in Daylight Savings Time.)And here’s links to some research and other things discussed in this episode:healthychildren.org: Winter Blues – Seasonal Affective Disorder and DepressionLaura T. Coffey for Today: Batty from being cooped up with kids? Here are 9 great cures for cabin feverValerie Williams for Mommyish: 10 Things Only Parents With The Winter Blues Will UnderstandSasa Woodruff for NPR: A New Prescription For Depression: Join A Team And Get SweatyKirsten Weir for the American Psychological Association: The Exercise EffectPennsylvania Department of Health: Cold Weather Outdoor Play Boosts Immune SystemAssociation between physical exercise and mental health in 1·2 million individuals in the USA between 2011 and 2015: a cross-sectional study  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Sometimes we lose it. Really lose it. We’re not talking “How many times do I have to tell you to put your shoes on” in a slightly elevated tone. We’re talking… well, Dr. Stuart Shanker calls the emotional state in question “red brain,” and you get the picture.When we’re in red brain, yelling can actually feel pretty good. It’s also singularly ineffective. Here’s how Dr. Alan Kazdin of the Yale Parenting Center explains it:If the goal of the parent is catharsis— I want to get this out of my system and show you how mad I am— well, yelling is probably perfect. If the goal is to change something in the child, or develop a positive habit in the child, yelling is not the way to do that.But clamping down on our anger isn’t effective, either— in fact, studies prove that attempting to do so actually increases our sympathetic nervous system responses and makes us feel more angry.So this is all pretty tricky. But in this episode we discuss:techniques for recognizing red brain before we’re in itwhy we sometimes treat strangers better than our loved onesMargaret’s “self-doghouse” techniquehow to properly make it up to our kids after we blow upAnd after discussing what NOT to say, Amy discusses what TO say to our kids with with Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright, the authors of Now Say This: The Right Words To Solve Every Parenting Dilemma. Heather and Julie explain their extremely effective “ALP” technique for communicating with our kids— Attune, Limit-Set, Problem-Solve. They also explain the importance of “the repair set” and modeling emotional health for our kids, particularly after we have not been our best selves.Here’s links to some of the other research and studies discussed in this episode:Margaret’s surprisingly useful “family doghouse” plaqueStephen Marche for NYT: Why You Should Stop Yelling At Your KidsKelly for Happy You, Happy Family: Why Every Parent Should Know the Magic 5:1 Ratio – And How to Do It Dr. Karen Leith et al for Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Why Do Bad Moods Increase Self-Defeating Behavior? Dr. Ralph Erber et al: On being cool and collected: Mood regulation in anticipation of social interaction.Sue Shellenbarger for the Wall Street Journal: Talking to Your Kids After You Yelland our episode on yelling, which is kinda the same but kinda different.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How should we handle group situations where we have different parenting styles? When our particular rules around bedtimes, screens, curfews, or sugar are up against more lax rules (or none at all)? This topic was suggested by our listener Jessica:  How do you deal with group situations where you parent differently without it causing friendship or family strain? Especially once your kids are old enough to ask why there are different expectations?  Being in close proximity with people who parent differently can make us question how we do it. When other parents have other, looser rules, those of us who are more strict can feel judged. When other parents have firmer rules and tighter structures, those of us who don’t also feel judged. Meanwhile, our kids are standing there watching us, wondering if we’ll cave and let them stay up until 12:30 just this once or not. In this episode we discuss:  matters of preference versus matters of philosophy- and how to tell the difference the importance of offline discussions the role that “spaces and places” play (things might be a little looser at Nana’s house) when to default to the rules of the household you are in what happens when you have different rules from your co-parent why saying “because I said so” is a missed parenting opportunity  Here’s links to articles discussed in this episode: Lisa Belkin for The New York Times: Different Families, Different RulesWendy Bradford for On Parenting: When One Child’s Rules Are Different Than The Other’sPete Wells for the New York Times: Happy-Meal MeHere’s our takeaway: It’s okay to reconsider your own rules in these situations… just not in real time, and no matter what you do, not in front of your kid. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The word “oversharenting” has been coined to describe those among us who chronicle our baby’s every bowel movement, ascribe hashtags to our preschoolers, and relitigate our tween’s hurt feelings, all of it for universal consumption on social media.For sure, we all know oversharenting when we see it— but most of us are equally certain that it’s really something other parents do. And we’re also fans of all the great, useful, meaningful ways social media keeps us connected.But are we considering the long-term ramifications for our kids’ privacy every time we press SHARE?In this episode we discuss:the “disclosure management work” of making sure loved ones are kept up-to-date on social media- and why it’s usually Mom’s jobwhy we’re not as good at guarding others’ privacy when we post as we are at guarding our ownwhy we’re motivated to share (and overshare)the “clean slate” of our own childhoods versus the extremely well-documented stories we’ve been writing for our kidsthe best practices we have in place for our own social media usewhether the privacy concerns are real, or just another place to overthinkHere’s links to research and other writing on the topic we discuss in this episode:LINKSSarah Zhang for The Atlantic: Facebook Groups as TherapyFrank Landman for readwrite: Are You Oversharing on Social Media?Lisa Heffernan of Grown and Flown: Oversharing: Why Do We Do It And How Do We Stop? Tawfiq Ammari et al, University of Michigan: Managing Children’s Online Identities: How Parents Decide what to Disclose about their Children OnlineLiza Lazard et al for The Conversation: Sharenting: why mothers post about their children on social media Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

 We love hearing from our listeners! Your voice mails and emails keep us going… plus you tell us what you want to hear us talk about next. It’s a beautiful thing. In this episode we answer these three listener questions:  how do you prepare your toddler for the birth of a new sibling? how do you deal with a particularly fussy baby? how do you deal with siblings who fight seriously all the time?  In response, you just might hear us discuss why our anxiety about helping our toddler with a new sibling is probably really about our own anxietywhy fussy babies are like the frog from the old Warner Brothers cartoonwhy siblings close in age are like a dog and a rooster why “face-raking” is a thing even though Margaret has never heard of ithow arbitrating a sibling fight is like a lifeguard saving two people from drowningDo you have a topic you’d like to hear us discuss on the show? Go to whatfreshhellpodcast.com and click on the right sidebar where it says “what topics would you like to hear on the show?”Or email a “voice memo” from your phone to info@whatfreshhellpodcast.com.We’d love to hear from you!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices