Gender: A Wider Lens

When parents are trying to help their teenager through a difficult time, ideally they work together as a team to strategize, plan, and collaborate. But for many families facing important parenting decisions around their child’s gender struggle, disagreement and conflict can arise. Sasha and Stella discuss a range of family dynamics from low-level disagreements to all out custody battles. What happens when one parent wants to intervene and the other wants to “go with the flow?” They also offer some reflections on what underlying issues might have predated the child’s gender distress and suggest strategies for parents to think big-picture and face the difficulties in their relationships.    Q&A Clips: Therapists are not Parental Substitutes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a88t_LaxKs0  The Time In Between: A Memoir of Hunger and Hope https://www.amazon.com/Time-Between-Memoir-Hunger-Hope/dp/1848318308   This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.widerlenspod.com/subscribe

Our conversation with Helena continues and takes a personal, intimate turn. She reflects that her desire to transition was actually an attempt to meet a deep relational need. She sought to garner a kind of engagement and recognition from her parents. Unfortunately, the way they responded triggered a doubling-down and sense of urgency for medical intervention. Helena offers some insights into better ways parents can react to their gender-questioning child in the hopes of helping families avoid the dissolution hers experienced. This vulnerable conversation confronts the challenges of family relations with both emotional honesty and courage.Links:Helena on Twitter:Twitter.com/lacroicsz Extended Notes:Trans kids are worried about how their parents will receive their trans letter. What’s going through their minds when they’re about to come out to their parents?Helena wanted attention so badly. She had a very distant relationship with her parents and she wanted to have the same sort of household her peers were having (involved parents).In Helena’s family, they found out she was trans and then it became an elephant in the room where no one really ever spoke about it again. Helena shares what happened when she came out.What reaction was Helena hoping to get from her mother?Helena decided to go through with her plan anyway and write a coming-out letter. She found it in the kitchen trash a few days later. It was like no one in her household cared.Helena got into another huge fight about her identity when she came back temporarily from college with her mother.It turned into Helena being completely rejected by her mother and she had to go no contact for over a year with her.Because Helena was rejected from her household, she felt like she had to double down as a boy and she couldn’t go back to being a girl.Helena shares how she was able to get her hands on testosterone without her parent’s consent.Helena was so convincing that the nurse and the professionals just decided to skip blood work and give her very, very high doses of testosterone right off the bat. In retrospect, this was concerning.What is Helena’s relationship with her parents now?Growing up, Helena felt like it was just all her fault.Helena is still grappling with the effects of her childhood and how lonely she felt.What advice does Helena have for parents?It’s not your job to change your child’s mind. It’s your job to just be aware, attentive, and listen. Your child is not aware of all the consequences.If your child doesn’t want to talk, then start small.Don’t explode with your emotions. Use your words. Be vulnerable. Try to be open. Try to express what you’re feeling, not thinking, to them.What made Helena detransition?Helena identifies as an outsider and tries to recreate different scenarios to be in that space again.This podcast is partially sponsored by ReIME, Rethink Identity Medicine Ethics:Rethinkime.orgLearn more about our show: Linktr.ee/WiderLensPod This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.widerlenspod.com/subscribe

This is Part 1 of a two-part conversation with Helena. She is a 23-year-old detransitioned woman, well-known on Twitter and YouTube for her insights into the FtM trans kid mindset. The self-described “gender apostate” shares her thoughts on ROGD’s relationship with critical social justice, fandom culture, “shipping,” and the extraordinary fascination many teenage girls have with young gay men.Links:Helena on Twitter: Twitter.com/lacroicsz Extended Notes:Helena is a detransitioned woman. She identified as a transgender man at 15, but by 19, she wanted to become a woman again.A little bit about Helena and her detransition journey.Before Helena started testosterone, she had this fantasy that not being female would be amazing. Helena was very isolated in her journey. Her ex, also a trans person, was against her detransitioning.As she was on this journey as a man, she was so tired of pretending to be masculine and wearing clothes that didn’t fit her body.What was it like psychologically to suppress Helena’s feminine side for so long?Has social justice affected or played a role in trans identity?Helena remembers reading things like, if you feel different than everybody else, it probably means you're trans.Teenagers are biologically more sensitive to social rejection from their peers, and they’ll do anything to fit in and belong.Whenever Helena was questioned about her new identity, she just thought they were just stuck in old beliefs and just wouldn’t listen.Helena explains what a trans medicalist is and shares her thoughts on the difference between non-binary people and trans people.What makes someone a cis girl or a cis boy or what really makes someone trans? The reasons are very superficial.Cis allies are finding it difficult to be allies to the transgender community because they’re being told their opinions don’t count.What is trans fandom all about? And what is “shipping” all about within this fandom culture?A lot of these “shipping” content has sexual undertones of gay pairings of common fictional characters.Growing up, it can get confusing. Men, that you’re basing your identity off of, are being written by teenage girls.Let’s talk about Tumblr and how these trans mood boards all originated.Helena remembers this internet time very fondly. She loved being on the “gay” side of the internet where it was all acceptable.Helena wishes there was a way people can indulge in their sexuality in a non-threatening way, but she also understands that too much of it can lead down the wrong path where it creates dysphoria.This podcast is partially sponsored by ReIME, Rethink Identity Medicine Ethics:Rethinkime.orgLearn more about our show: Linktr.ee/WiderLensPod This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.widerlenspod.com/subscribe

Aaron Terrell transitioned female-to-male in 2011. He wasn’t involved in social media or the trans community until roughly 2017 when he noticed some unusual anomalies involving the new cohort of females identifying as trans men and undergoing medical transitioning. Then, earlier this year, Aaron read J. K. Rowling’s essay and everything changed.Links:Aaron’s blog: Aaronterrell.substack.comAaron on Twitter:Twitter.com/elegationvainGender Dysphoria Alliance:Twitter.com/gd_alliance?lang=enDysphoria is not one thing:4thwavenow.com/2017/12/07/gender-dysphoria-is-not-one-thingTransparency Podcast:Podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/transparency/id1583333120 Unfiltered with Buck Angel (on UpperhandMARS):Youtu.be/nqAJLHZCWv0 Extended Notes:A little bit about Aaron and his journey.Why did Aaron decide to transition at 27?Aaron was introduced to a trans social circle when he was still in college, although it was nice to be with his tribe, certain topics made him uncomfortable.Did family members recognize Aaron’s struggles when he was going through puberty as a woman?Aaron shares his beliefs on religion, and what his religious upbringing was like.People are making their lives much more difficult by trying to opt out and be different with their gender.Why did Aaron start his blog and podcast?Aaron was largely helped by transitioning, but he understands the drawbacks and often writes about those drawbacks.Sasha reads an excerpt from his blog, and Aaron expands on his thoughts on the trans movement at the time.Aaron had a lot of internalized misogyny happening when he started to become a man.He was supposed to be a wife and a mother, and when he transitioned, what was next? It was natural for Aaron to be a breadwinner, and adopt an identity of what that “traditionally” looks like.When it comes to trans people using the male and female bathrooms, where does he stand on the issue? At first, he thought people who were offended by this were transphobes.Where does the ethical line get drawn on some of these controversial issues?With so many young children transitioning so early, what’s the fallout going to look like? Aaron believes there are going to be a lot of de-transitioners.What is the Gender Dysphoria Alliance all about?This podcast is partially sponsored by ReIME, Rethink Identity Medicine Ethics:Rethinkime.orgLearn more about our show: Linktr.ee/WiderLensPod This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.widerlenspod.com/subscribe

The listeners’ questions continue to absorb our interest and influence our discussion. The issue of power struggles between parents and children has been raised along with a special focus on knowing when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em. The script that trans-identified teenagers often use to declare their trans identification is outlined and Sasha & Stella discuss a kind of counter script for parents. Finally, we suggest a liberal parents’ guide to explaining your child’s gender-related distress with friends, neighbors, and the wider community.Links:Sasha’s Video: Effects of Affirmation: Gender Identity vs Sexual Orientation:Youtube.com/watch?v=Zjv-eDaZNH0&feature=emb_title Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself, by Lisa Marchiano:Amazon.com/Motherhood-Finding-Yourself-Lisa-Marchiano/dp/1683646665 Extended Notes:Thank you so much for submitting your questions and providing Stella and Sasha with excellent feedback! We appreciate you!Q: What can I say to my daughter? Is there a counter script?Stella loves the idea of having a script for parents to help their teen think deeper on some of the implications of a transition.Sasha has noticed parents falling into certain categories, like having a difficult time with their authority towards their child vs. some parents going in with a lot of fear and force on what their child “should” be.Don’t expect lightbulb moments from your child when you share a piece of wisdom with them. Sometimes it takes some time to sink in.Should you use a script? Sasha believes that everyone’s situation is different. She believes it’s best to share wisdom and advice that is specifically applicable to your child.Remember, you don’t need to turn this conversation into a political debate with your child.As parents, we tend to put on a cheerful “life is great” smile in front of our kids, even when you might be mad at your partner, or deeply dislike your mother-in-law. There’s something very unauthentic about this. Children pick up on it and they’ll call you out on it around the ages of 12 to 14.The best friend’s parents. Let’s talk about them. They’ve very liberal with your child’s pronouns because it’s not happening to their family.People who are giving your child the okay to transition, it’s another form of you having to stand up for your child to people who think they know better than you as a parent.Q: I can’t deny her feelings, but I think we should stay open-minded for future options, but that’s not enough for her. It feels like a power struggle. What should I do?Some parents want to avoid the power struggle, so they end up saying yes to everything. That’s not the best way forward, either.When you have a kid who has been historically compliant under their parents’ wishes, the power struggle is even stronger as they grow up.What are some of the best ways to approach this subject? Stella offers some advice on how to soften the elephant in the room.The power struggles are exhausting. It’s very difficult to manage these temperaments and all the fun gets zapped out of the household.Q: Gender dysphoria vs. social dysphoria. Are there tips on ways to help a child with social dysphoria? Can you talk more about this?What is social dysphoria? There is general anxiety around people who are prejudging you before knowing you.You cannot change somebody’s perception of you. You are setting yourself up for failure and misery if you think you can.It takes time to understand this, but as a child or... This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.widerlenspod.com/subscribe

Many children with ROGD seem reluctant to grow up. Sometimes this is related to the difficulties of an early puberty or the hyper-sexualization of children. Other times the gap between the Disneyfied wonder of childhood and the grim hard reality of adulthood feels unsurmountable. Sasha and Stella delve into the psychology of the fear of growing up and how elements of both transition and transgender activist dogma may further infantilize and stunt development.Links:Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, by Oliver Burkeman: Amazon.com/Four-Thousand-Weeks-Management-Mortals/dp/0374159122“Trans Kids May Reject Family, Not the Other Way Around” Transgendertrend.com/trans-kids-reject-family-not-other-way-around/ Transparency podcast (episode with Mars Fernandez):Youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=H-7PkjWgwa8&feature=emb_logo Rees M. “The age of menarche” ORGYN. 1995;(4):2-4. PMID: 12319855. Pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12319855/ Extended Notes:People with rapid gender dysphoria are having a hard time with the process of growing up.Children see the stress of growing up and they want so desperately to opt out of it.If you want to get into a good college, you need all these “extra” activities, which means no one really has true hobbies anymore.People love to stay in the fantasy world of YouTube, where many subgenres are acting younger than they are.So much of this “drama” is fueled on the internet. Why do you get some of the biggest criticisms from people with a cartoon avatar on their profile?Children are stuck between innocent Disney and hypersexualization. Where do you really go from here?Stella has noticed that a lot of people who have gender issues also tend to have gone through puberty earlier than their peers.Getting a period at seven years old is very traumatizing.What fears do boys have about growing up?When children have unlimited access to content, their imagination tends to dwindle, as well.Do kids play seven minutes in heaven anymore? These innocent fun games were a vital part of being comfortable with your body.Everything is so screen-based now. Human interaction is very low.Adulthood seems really intimidating to a kid who has never had to interact with people. Going into a crowded room gives them anxiety.Young, young girls are seeing a lot more porn than you might think.When teenagers want to transition and get top surgery, it's a very difficult and vulnerable state to be in. They have to rely on mom and dad to take care of them once again.A child has not thought things fully the way an adult parent has. The adult has gone through all the painful scenarios their child can go through.You don’t have to dwell on certain things, but it’s important to face it, at the very least.If you have an estranged relationship with your child, what do you do?Doctors don’t always want you to know the truth about your body and the types of medical consequences there are when transitioning. There’s a whole movement that prevents the sharing of this knowledge.When you ask transitioning girls who they’d like to look like, they never describe their father. They describe a “magazine model” or a K-pop star.Kids want to rush into the... This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.widerlenspod.com/subscribe

The New York Times describes Helen Joyce’s book, Trans: When Ideology Meets Reality, as “an intelligent, thorough rejoinder to an idea that has swept across much of the liberal world seemingly overnight.” Joyce reminds us that her book is not about trans people, but rather, it is about the idea “that people should count as men or women according to how they feel and what they declare, instead of their biology.” Helen explains the ways it’s more acceptable for men to “give up some privilege” and strategies women in other cultures have used to opt out of unfavorable circumstances. Perhaps denying sex leads to a perfectly clear demonstration of just how different men and women can be. We also reflect on the differences between American’s tendency to double-down on bad policy and the hopefulness Helen feels with the unfolding UK reckoning with gender self-ID. In this episode, we discuss the many ramifications of “you are exactly who you say you are.”Links:Helen Joyce’s Website: Thehelenjoyce.comHelen on Twitter: Twitter.com/HJoyceGender Book Review by Jesse Singal Nytimes.com/2021/09/07/books/review/trans-helen-joyce.html Helen’s interview with Andrew Doyle:Youtube.com/watch?v=KAYR8GUJsqo Stella’s Book Review in The Evening Standard: Standard.co.uk/culture/books/trans-when-ideology-meets-reality-helen-joyce-review-b944183.html Becoming Julia (Gender Transition Documentary): YouTube.com/watch?v=kNjV37vp5qk The End of the World is Flat by Simon Edge: Eye-books.com/books/the-end-of-the-world-is-flat Survivorship Bias: En.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivorship_bias Small Gods by Terry Pratchett: Terrypratchettbooks.com/books/small-gods Extended Notes:NY Times reviewed Helen’s new book, Trans, and Sasha is even in the book!Helen didn’t even think her book would get published because of its taboo topic.Are people fascinated with gender or with sex?Non-binary people are trying to redefine everybody and trying to change a “fundamental truth.” Of course, it gets people upset.What is the difference between transsexualism and gender self-ID?This book is not about trans people, it’s a book about ideology.If being trans was an ideology, a belief system, that’d be okay. However, this movement is trying to change gender facts, and that’s a harder thing to get behind.Right now it’s very difficult to determine what stance is going to be on “the right side of history.”The trans movement is structured as “the next thing” that needs to be liberated from oppression. However, will it be?Why do men commit more transphobic acts than women?People say that when you call people trans,... This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.widerlenspod.com/subscribe

Social transition is often the first recommended intervention when a young person begins questioning his or her gender identity. It entails changing one’s name, pronouns, appearance, and other identity markers to match the desired gender. In very recent years, schools, led by the current gender identity affirmative approach, have taken it upon themselves to support and sometimes encourage students with social transition. Families often feel pressured by professionals to make these powerful changes despite little evidence supporting these interventions. At times, living in another identity can create more problems than it resolves. In this episode Sasha and Stella do a deep dive into the many challenges that arise with social transition.Links:Michael Biggs on Puberty Blockers:Youtube.com/watch?v=9VHlkE40cFk&feature=youtu.beHow Trans Kids and Parents Decide When to Start Medical Transition (VICE News): Youtu.be/QD720mHFqW0Detrans Needs Survey: Tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00918369.2021.1919479Kai and Kimberly: Vice.com/en/article/9k9bkv/she-was-asking-the-lord-to-let-her-die-raising-a-trans-child-in-texasCatherine Tuerk: Catherinetuerk.com/about/1funny.com/my-3-year-old-son-is-a-girl-now/Extended Notes:What’s the difference between pre-gay children vs. transgender children? Sasha shares a story of how a mother reacted poorly to her son’s femininity. So many families just have no idea what to do in a situation like this. What does transitioning look like for those under 8 or 9? For parents, it’s almost like a scary nightmare when their child says they’re an opposite sex. What do you do? How does one prepare for this? Adults have the responsibility to teach their children about the realities of the world. Should children really be leading the way on how they’re feeling? Should therapists really be listening to these young children? What is sex constancy? It’s so dangerous to have a 4 year old transition. Should you let children explore their gender identity? Sasha thinks it’s a blurry line. Context and environment matters. Watchfully waiting doesn’t always make sense in today’s world when our children have strong influences to ‘be a certain way’. During Stella’s generation, they’d just ask her if she was a boy or a girl. Now, children are being asked by their community if they’re trans. It’s a very different shift. People are put into a very ‘gendered’ box these days. The moment you’re slightly different than that, society asks if you’re transitioning. What are the psychological impacts of a 13 year old socially transitioning? Children who socially transition end up in an interesting situation. They either have to commit 100% or be seen as a fraud. Parents are terrified. They go down this path because they’re afraid their child will commit suicide. Your 5 year old is not going to be committing suicide! There’s so much talk about transphobia and parents kicking these children out of the house. The opposite is true.... This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.widerlenspod.com/subscribe

With the invention of the term “nonbinary,” we’ve seen an unprecedented number of young people claiming to feel like neither a man nor a woman. Today, we explore Ian Hacking’s concept of “making people up” and the creation of new classifications and “types” of people. Several questions also arise: does a non-binary identification require medicalization? What personality traits may correlate with this identity and is it different in males and females? For parents, how might one respond when a timid child quietly says “No” to the “gender binary?” And what role does non-binary label play as individuals step in and step out of trans identification?Links:Gender Census: Gendercensus.com/results/2021-worldwide/#pronounsKori and Searyl Doty: Theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/jul/08/parent-raising-gender-free-childJamie Shupe: Theguardian.com/world/2016/jun/16/jamie-shupe-first-non-binary-person-oregonJamie Shupe: Twitter.com/notabledesisterLisa Shupe interviewed on Transparency Podcast: Youtube.com/watch?v=edzyk-TQhEYSam Smith: Theguardian.com/music/2019/sep/13/sam-smith-on-being-non-binary-im-changing-my-pronouns-to-theythemSam Smith and Alok: Mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/sam-smith-alok-vaid-menon-20126943 Alice Hope’s YouTube video: Youtube.com/watch?v=9WJBp3eEhqYExtended Notes:Parents feel so old when the term “nonbinary” gets thrown around. What does it mean?Sasha gives a bit of context and the definition of the word.Nonbinary people have an element of protest. They’re completely opting out of the “normal.”The term “nonbinary” really started picking up speed in 2014 and having it skyrocket in 2019.Are nonbinary identities just a stepping stone into trans identity?A lot of nonbinary females think they should have top surgery, which helps them with their image that they’re in this “neither/or” gender space.Can you inflict your ideologies on a little child? Stella feels like the answer should be no.There is controversy on listing two mothers or two fathers on the birth certificate. It’s a bit like stretching the truth/reality.The average 14-year-old female calls herself nonbinary. What’s going on here?Are our sexual differences causing distress among teenagers? Do they wish for a simpler time where none of this gender stuff matters?It’s a bit of a confusing thing, you shouldn’t go by looks but a lot of these gender identities use looks as a baseline.Can you be nonbinary while also looking very female or very male?How do you know if something is a singular and not a plural when you’re using the “they” pronoun.How do parents manage other children who are calling themselves they/them?Sasha wonders if saying you’re nonbinary is due to some uneasiness that’s happening in their lives, some form of trauma or unhappiness... This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.widerlenspod.com/subscribe

“Differences in Sexual Development” (DSDs) is an umbrella term encompassing a range of over 40 medical conditions that impact sexual development in humans. We speak with Claire Graham, an advocate for the organization, DSD Families and explore the intricacies of these complex conditions, which are often simplified and misunderstood. Claire also tells us how she became embroiled in heated debates about transgender advocacy and dispels common myths that are used to conflate “intersex” conditions with transgender issues.   Links Claire’s Blog: https://mrkhvoice.com/index.php/2019/12/18/what-is-dignity/  DSD Families: https://dsdfamilies.org/charity  John Money and David Reimer:  https://embryo.asu.edu/pages/david-reimer-and-john-money-gender-reassignment-controversy-johnjoan-case  This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.widerlenspod.com/subscribe