Reimagining Love

Today’s episode is part of a new solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (aka FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it last month!Up first in Dr. Alexandra’s exploration of family roles is “The Perfect One.”  If you were the superstar kid in your family, known for bringing home good grades and accolades, this might be you. As an adult, perhaps you seek validation and affirmation of your worthiness through tangible accomplishments. You may believe you’re only as good and worthy of love as your job title, latest career win, parenting flex, or fitness milestone. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Perfect One can embark on their healing journey.Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I co-taught with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.Relevant links:Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming YouTake the Family of Origin Roles QuizReimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker ArticleOrder Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every DaySubscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s NewsletterSubmit a Listener Question

We all know that when we’re stressed, we’re not our best selves. But what happens when this stress threatens to erode our most important relationships, and we feel powerless to change the dynamic? Returning guest Elizabeth Earnshaw joins Dr. Solomon to address this pressing yet common issue. Liz is a licensed family and marriage therapist, Certified Gottman Therapist, AAMFT Approved Supervisor, and founder of A Better Life Therapy. She’s known for her popular Instagram account @lizlistens, is the author of I Want This to Work, and has been featured in the New York Times, USA Today, The Washington Post, and more. Her newest book, ‘Til Stress Do Us Part: How to Heal the #1 Issue in Our Relationships, is an empowering guide to stress-proofing your relationship.While we may initially believe it’s our relationships that are the cause of our stress, Liz says that it’s often the other way around: that “the unprecedented collective stress we all face today is the cause of many relationship challenges couples are experiencing.” In this episodes, you'll hear Liz’s deeply empathetic re-frame of this issue. Liz and Dr. Alexandra discuss why our partner often gets the “worst” version of us, how we can understand different types or “buckets” of stressors, and the small but mighty changes we can make that will serve our relationships for the long haul. They also focus on the pressures of parenthood and what makes this moment particularly challenging for parents. Finally, they answer a question from a listener in Idaho named Amber about how to move forward after a rift in a friendship. Relevant Links:Liz’s book: 'Til Stress Do Us Part: How to Heal the #1 Issue in Our RelationshipsLiz’s website and InstagramParents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents (2024)Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy’s essay in The New York Times Opinion section, August 2024: Surgeon General: Parents Are at Their Wits’ End. We Can Do Better.Order Dr. Alexandra's latest book, Love Every DaySubscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s NewsletterSubmit a Listener Question

Today’s episode is the first of a new solo episode series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles. Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messaging about love, connection, and worthiness as a result.To start off this series, we’re revisiting this in-depth solo episode, in which Dr. Alexandra explains the six common roles we might have played in our original family systems. Through understanding our past, we can see how these roles continue to show up in our relationships today and use that knowledge as a powerful Relational Self-Awareness tool. In December, we’ll begin releasing role-specific episodes for each of the six roles, starting with “The Perfect One,” so be sure to catch that conversation next month.Relevant links:Take the Family of Origin Roles QuizReimagining Love: “Tending to “Little You” & Exploring Your Family of Origin”Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker ArticleOrder Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every DaySubscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s NewsletterSubmit a Listener Question

Have you ever felt like different parts of yourself were competing for attention and power? Maybe you have aspects of your personality that you’re proud of, and others that you’d rather keep hidden from the world—the ones that tend to rear their heads in your not-so-shining moments. According to Internal Family Systems Therapy, a framework developed by today’s guest, Dr. Richard Schwartz, we are all made up of sub-personalities or “parts.” IFS posits that by investigating and understanding where each of those parts come from and how they are dictating our current behavior, we can better understand our unique mental world and determine how to make change to support our healing and improve our relationships. Dr. Alexandra talks with Dr. Dick about how IFS has the potential to help individuals understand themselves, strengthen their romantic relationships, or even navigate the dating world. They also explore a question from a listener in Toronto who wants to feel more deeply understood in conversations with her boyfriend. IFS is a theoretical framework that has helped many folks, but as always, Dr. Alexandra encourages you to see what resonates with you in this conversation and what might be helpful to bring into your own processes of self-discovery and healing, and to your relationships. Relevant Links:IFS Institute: ifs-institute.comIntimacy From The Inside Out: https://ifs-institute.com/store/116No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.: https://bookshop.org/p/books/no-bad-parts-healing-trauma-and-restoring-wholeness-with-the-internal-family-systems-model-richard-schwartz/16396062?ean=9781683646686You Are the One You've Been Waiting for: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.: https://bookshop.org/p/books/you-are-the-one-you-ve-been-waiting-for-applying-internal-family-systems-to-intimate-relationships-richard-schwartz/18790456?ean=9781683643623Story on IFS from NPR’s Morning Edition: https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2024/10/25/nx-s1-5055753/parts-work-therapy-internal-family-systems-anxiety#:~:text=At%20the%20center%20of%20IFS,his%20book%20No%20Bad%20Parts.

What would your reaction be if someone asked if you’re codependent? If “Certainly not!” is your immediate response, this episode invites you to look a little deeper. While we often turn to a single definition of codependency—enabling another person in a situation that is damaging or dangerous, such as addiction—Terri Cole‘s new book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, expands on this traditional and insufficient definition to include those who are “overly invested in the feelings of the people in our lives to the detriment of our own internal peace.”Terri is a licensed psychotherapist, empowerment coach, and recovering high-functioning codependent. In therapy sessions with her highly capable patients, Terri noticed a lot of pushback when she would suggest that they might be codependent. However, when she clarified her updated definition, they immediately recognized these traits in themselves and could begin recovering from these detrimental behaviors. It is likely that you recognize these traits in yourself or someone close to you, so I hope that you will come away enlightened and empowered from Terri’s explanation of the clues that highlight these traits, the heavy cost to both the individual and their loved ones, and how we can all be of service to others without adopting problematic patterns. We also unpack a thoughtful question from a listener in Nova Scotia Canada about rebuilding a damaged relationship with her four adult children. Relevant Links:Learn more about Terri ColeOrder Terri’s book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning CodependencyGet your copy of the HFC WorkbookJoin the Teri Cole MembershipOrder Dr. Alexandra's latest book, Love Every DaySubscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s NewsletterSubmit a Listener Question

The struggle of family estrangement is explored in depth. Emotional challenges and motivations behind cutting ties are dissected. Self-awareness and a collectivist approach can aid healing. Key questions are proposed to foster understanding for both the estranger and the estranged. The importance of intergenerational contexts in shaping relationships is emphasized, encouraging listeners to reflect on their own experiences. This conversation aims to offer tools for compassionate dialogue and the potential for reconnection after a painful separation.

Dené Logan, a marriage and family therapist and Depth Psychology expert, dives into the intricate dance between masculine and feminine energies. She discusses the societal conditioning that shapes our identities and how it affects intimacy and emotional expression. Highlighting her book, 'Sovereign Love,' Dené explores how recognizing these internal energies can heal relationships. She advocates for emotional honesty, challenging traditional roles, and urges couples to celebrate each other's strengths, especially in the wake of life's challenges.

Andrea Miller, founder and CEO of YourTango, shares her journey as a lifelong seeker of relational wisdom. She discusses the significance of embracing imperfections for authentic connections and the power of relational self-awareness. Miller highlights the need to break free from toxic perfectionism and the transformative effects relationships have on personal growth. Additionally, she delves into the complexities of navigating family dynamics and parenting challenges, emphasizing open communication and vulnerability in fostering stronger connections.

Loss and grief are universal and profoundly human. The death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, a trauma that drastically shifts the trajectory of a life—each spurs a unique grieving process that can be difficult to navigate for both the people grieving and their support systems. As a chaplain at a Level One Trauma Center in Florida, J.S. Park provides emotional and spiritual care for and comfort to those experiencing grief. His support of patients at the end of their lives, and of the loved ones who remain, adds tremendous impact and compassion to his most recent book, As Long As You Need: Permission to Grieve. In this episode, J.S. shares with Dr. Alexandra what his education and experience have taught him about the “right” things to say and the ways to support grieving loved ones. He offers deeply considered insights into our misguided fear of bringing up the deceased, the impact of loss on the past and the future, and how to care for both a loved one and oneself during the grieving process. Relevant Links:Order J.S.’s book, As Long As You Need: Permission to GrieveConnect J.S. on InstagramOrder Dr. Alexandra's latest book, Love Every DaySubscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s NewsletterSubmit a Listener Question

What happens when we listen and are listened to more fully, forging a deeper connection? Decades of research tell us that the brain undergoes physiological changes when we begin to “talk without criticizing, listen without judgment, and connect beyond difference.” This is the definition of dialogue coined by today’s guests, Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt and Dr. Harville Hendrix. Doctors Hunt and Hendrix are internationally recognized couples therapists, educators, speakers, and a married couple themselves. Through decades of research, they developed the Imago Relationship Therapy method, which is taught to therapists around the globe. In this episode, they speak with Dr. Alexandra about moving from monologue (turning the conversation to focus on oneself) to dialogue (keeping the conversation focused on the speaker), and how listening and ensuring true understanding of a speaker’s meaning has enormous benefits to our relationships and our brains.Relevant Links:Harville and Helen’s new book, How To Talk to Anyone About Anything - https://harvilleandhelen.com/books/how-to-talk-with-anyone-about-anything/Learn more about Imago Relationship Therapy - https://harvilleandhelen.com/initiatives/what-is-imago/Explore Safe Conversations, A Methodology for Connecting - https://safeconversations.com/Order Dr. Alexandra's latest book, Love Every DaySubscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s NewsletterSubmit a Listener Question