Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

Rachelle Jones, a Grief Recovery Specialist, shares her insights from her neurodiverse marriage and family. She discusses the evidenced-based Grief Recovery Model, which aids in understanding and processing grief. Rachelle emphasizes the importance of grace, compassion, and self-awareness in relationships. Listeners learn to recognize their emotional triggers and navigate the complexities of grief in mixed neurotype partnerships. With practical tools, she guides others through their healing journeys while advocating for ongoing emotional health.

In this engaging discussion, Greg Fuqua, a licensed mental health counselor with 33 years of experience in a neurodiverse marriage, shares invaluable insights into relationships where one partner is autistic and the other has ADHD. They explore challenges like communication styles and emotional capacities, emphasizing the need for rituals and structures to enhance understanding. Personal anecdotes highlight how partners can act as 'bridges' for each other, fostering healthier dynamics. Tune in for practical strategies to strengthen these unique relationships.

Greg Fuqua, a licensed mental health counselor and autism clinical specialist, joins to illuminate the dynamics of mixed neurotype relationships. They discuss creating positive feelings through understanding each partner’s history and emotional needs. The importance of reciprocity and maintenance in relationships is emphasized, along with strategies for small gestures that nurture connection. They also touch on the significance of adapting love languages and preparing for effective communication, fostering deeper bonds and appreciation.

If you would like to join the "mixed neurotype" support group that Mona Kay and Jodi Carlton co-facilitate called "Navigating Your Neurodiverse Relationship" you can register at: https://jodicarlton.com/groups/ The cost is ONLY $25 per session and we offer 2 groups (12:30-2PM EST and 6:30-8pm EST) and they both meet on the 1st Wednesday of each month. In addition, if you would like to order the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11) or the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97) go to www.neurodiverselove.com Thank you for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! _______________________________________________________ Welcome to Season 7 of the Neurodiverse Love Podcast. During this episode and many more throughout the season, Greg Fuqua, LMHC is co-hosting the podcast with Mona Kay. This episode is focused on the different needs each partner may have related to socializing and family time. The topics addressed include:◦ Connection with people when it's within your partners capacity. ◦ Bowing out of planned events and experiencing questioning and disappointment from family members when they don't understand.◦ Experiencing anxiety when asking for your needs to be met.◦ When you aren’t “out” to everyone in your family about being neurodivergent.◦ Having a specific role at family events can be very important to help get connection to self.◦ The importance of downtime and a transition period.◦ Understanding what each partner needs during socializing.◦ Social differences are not deficits.◦ Plan and prepare beforehand, so you know what is coming and what the expectations are.◦ Having an exit plan and having support around that is important.◦ Needing a way for self-soothing, alone time and recovery.◦ Running late because you may not understand each others needs.◦ Taking separate cars to an event can be helpful.◦ Reducing anxiety by planning and preparing together, then debrief after the event to learn what you can each do better in the future.◦ Including both "open" and "down" time into the socializing event can be helpful. May also want to schedule in time for your partners special interest.◦ Remember that everyone wants to be seen, known, valued and understood.◦ Past relational trauma may impact decision making around socializing and date nights.◦ Family time with kids can also be challenging because the “expectations” may never stop.◦ Be aware of sensory overload or overstimulation.◦ Understanding that change of plans may be difficult and lead to anger or irritability.◦ Develop habits and rituals around communication.◦ Make sure your autistic partner has time for recovery.◦ Understand your capacity and how much you can socialize based on the stress you have experienced that day.If you would like to contact Greg Fuqua, please check out his website at: www.gregfuqua.com

If you would like to join the "mixed neurotype" support group that I co-facilitate with Jodi Carlton called "Navigating Your Neurodiverse Relationship" you can register at: https://jodicarlton.com/groups/ The cost is ONLY $25 per session and we offer 2 groups (12:30-2PM EST and 6:30-8pm EST) and they both meet on Zoom on the 1st Wednesday of each month. In addition, if you would like to order the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11) or the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97) go to www.neurodiverselove.com Thank you for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! __________________________________________________________________ During this solo episode, Mona shares some information that might be helpful for neurodiverse couples to think about before they begin traveling together: sensory overload alone time needed the importance of routine small talk and socializing with strangers planning out everything being flexible trying new adventures sitting or flying for long periods of time food preferences structured mealtimes having a sense of humor

If you would like to join the "mixed neurotype" support group that I co-facilitate with Jodi Carlton called "Navigating Your Neurodiverse Relationship" you can register at: https://jodicarlton.com/groups/ The cost is ONLY $25 per session and we offer 2 groups (12:30-2PM EST and 6:30-8pm EST) and they both meet on the 1st Wednesday of each month. In addition, if you would like to order the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11) or the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97) go to www.neurodiverselove.com Thank you for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! _______________________________________________________ Enoch is back for "Part 2" of our conversation together so that he can share a few more of the word pictures he developed. Each of these were created to provide more depth about what he experienced in his neurodiverse marriage and what he has heard others describe about their relationship. The word pictures discussed are: CPU's single threaded vs multi-threaded-this word picture addresses executive functioning and the effect it can have on "time awareness"; the ability to handle multiple realities at the same time (theory of mind); the importance of a "hypervisor" to conduct the different streams; and process sensory inputs (non-verbal communication). The 5 A's: acknowledge treasures; anticipate needs; accommodate; appreciate; and adore. Monochrome vs Color (emotional fluency differences and the ability to perceive and react in real time and not through a cognitive algorithmic analysis)-when one partner experiences things through contract and the other through nuance and intensity. When partners show and/or talk about their feelings in different ways (verbal and/or non-verbal). The Funny Car-is usually found on a drag race strip and excels at what it does. When the car is purchased and it is taken off the track it has trouble managing traffic, braking, and turning sharp corners. Enoch ends the episode with some important questions for the non-autistic/NT partner to consider: 1) Where on the "spectrum" does the NT find themselves between a partner and a caregiver? 2) What are reasonable expectations that an NT may have? 3) Are there enough positives to sustain a relationship that may be lacking in some types of reciprocity and partnership? To learn more about Enoch and the resources he has collected on neurodiverse relationships and neurodiversity, you can check out his website at: www.Ifgodwhy/ND or email him at: ifgodwhy@gmail.com

If you are interested in attending the mixed neurotype support group that Mona Kay and Jodi Carlton co-facilitate, called "Navigating Your Neurodiverse Relationship" the cost is only $25 per session. We meet monthly on the first Wednesday of the month and we offer 2 groups. One meets at 12:30pm EST and the other meets at 6:30pm EST. You can ⁠⁠click here⁠⁠ to register for the upcoming group. In addition, check out Mona's website at: www.neurodiverselove.com if you would like to buy a digital deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards for ONLY $11, or the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook for ONLY $12.97 Thank you for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! ______________________________________________________ During this episode, Orion Kelly-That Autistic Guy on YouTube shares insights into what makes his neurodiverse relationship work and how he feels about being a husband, father and a member of "The Lost Generation". Orion also shares how he uses his skills as a content creator to help others and highlights his commitment to making sure his autistic son has a better life then he has had. Some of the other topics addressed on this episode are: What it feels like to be considered bad or broken, ostracized or bullied. Your purpose is your gift and what you're good at and the importance of finding your skills and then giving them away. Why dating and relationships can be hard for some neurodivergent people. How his communication style impacted his dating life. Finding a partner who understands you and can accept you. Being seen as funny, rather then offensive. Self loathing, self-hatred, and a lack of worth when you know you're different. You can't tell a PC to be a Mac! Not being able to accept compliments, because words don't matter, actions do. Understanding that your autistic partner has a neurodevelopmental disability. Understanding what your partner's emotional intimacy needs are. The importance of individual therapy and applying what you learn. Trying to fix things, rather then listening to understand. Looking at the other person's perspective. Differences in brains can be a supportive thing in a romantic relationship. Understanding your autistic partner's type of honesty. Knowing what makes your partner feel loved and understanding their wants and needs. Autistic people can be very sensitive to any type of rejection or criticism. Depersonalization is the key! Frontloading conversations can help with understanding and connection. Seeing differences as reality, rather then misconstruing them as rude, abrasive or inappropriate. To learn more about Orion Kelly you can visit his website at: www.orionkelly.com.au or check out his YouTube Channel at: That Autistic Guy, or listen to his podcast: My Friend Autism. I would also highly recommend his book: Autism Feels: An Earthlings Guide.

If you are interested in attending the mixed neurotype support group I co-facilitate with Jodi Carlton, the cost is only $25 per session. We meet monthly on the first Wednesday of the month and we offer 2 groups. One meets at 12:30pm EST and the other at 6:30pm EST. You can ⁠click here⁠ to register for the upcoming group. Thank you for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! ________________________________________________________ During this episode, Enoch shares the way he describes the experiences he had and the feelings and emotions he experienced in his 21 year neurodiverse marriage. He shares the word pictures he has created to help others understand some of the ways he felt before his marriage ended in divorce. The word pictures described are: 1) The Onion of Loneliness-there are 3 dimensions/layers to this word picture. They include the loneliness with your partner because you have very different needs; the loneliness when friends and family don't believe you or understand what you are experiencing; and the loneliness when you feel hopeless that things can't or won't ever change. 2) Cup-vs-Barrel/Pond-vs-Stream-each partner has differing needs and different thresholds for feeling satiated in regards to the quality and quantity of connection. Each partner also has different ways in which time is navigated. 3) Wedding Day as a Finish Line-vs-Starting Line. One partner may feel that the wedding day was the end goal and the other may feel it was the beginning of a new adventure with lots of opportunities for connection ahead. In addition, one partner may seek stability and routine in the marriage, while the other is looking to grow and have lots of new experiences together. 4) The Egg of Marriage addresses masking and how others may see a very different version of the neurodivergent partner, as they only see the shell of the egg, not what is inside. In addition, each partner may have very different executive function skills and this may impact the appearance of the egg yolk which can't be seen by people outside the relationship. You can contact Enoch at ifgodwhy@gmail.com or check out his blog and resources at: www.ifgodwhy.com/ND In addition, for a less glitchy version of this episode you can visit: https://www.icloud.com/iclouddrive/0cb5GjFCrOJqfd1-7DT-4VPWw#ND_exp_-_word_pictures_1_podcast_with_Mona_Kay_20240105t

During this solo episode Mona talks about the importance of letting go of "inappropriate" hope, letting go of the fear of change, taking time to grieve the losses in your relationship and life, letting go of and healing guilt and shame, and moving forward in 2024 to transform into the person you want to be. If you are the non-autistic/neurotypical partner and would like to join Sarah Swenson, LMFT and I for our upcoming 4 week workshop "I Love My Partner and Still Struggle to Imagine a Healthy Future Together" you can click here to register. The investment is only $297 and all participants will get 3 bonuses: The digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11 value) The digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97 value) Free access to the 27 presentations from the 2023 Neurodiverse Love Conference ($97 value) Also, if you are interested in attending the mixed neurotype support group I co-facilitate with Jodi Carlton, the cost is only $25 per session. We meet monthly on the first Wednesday of the month and we offer 2 groups. One meets at 12:30pm EST and the other at 6:30pm EST. The January groups are almost full, but you can click here to register for the February group. Thank you for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

You can buy a digital deck of the "Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards", or the recently released "Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook" at: www.neurodiverselove.com. On the Neurodiverse Love website you can also subscribe to the Neurodiverse Love newsletter, or get more information about the support groups that Mona facilitates for neurodiverse couples, or the neurotypical/non-autistic partners. Thank you for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! ________________________________________________________ Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers is a certified sex therapist and supervisor and also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). She is the author of two books and also teaches graduate courses in human sexuality. Dr. Tina also leads the Northwest Institute on Intimacy (https://www.nwioi.com) where she trains therapists, physicians, and educators on sexual health. During this episode, we talk about the history of sexual shame and how to heal it. We also discuss other topics that many neurodiverse couples may be dealing with related to physical and sexual intimacy. Those topics include: Being relationally and sexually healthy. The history and definition of sexual shame. How does sexuality look for diverse populations? Only 18 states require medically accurate sex education. The impact of silencing and shaming someone for being sexually curious. Understanding your internal critic and internalized judgment and the source of sexual dysfunction. Ways to heal from sexual shame. What was the misinformation you may have received about sex?◦ How can we be comfortable in our own skin related to physical and sexual intimacy? When something that is pleasurable to you doesn’t seem common. Understanding consent, support and how you maintain both. Experiencing pleasure in the way that works for each of you. Feeling othered doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Bring your less reactive self to the conversation about what you like. Find people who share your interests. Partners can mirror back to each other the things that are most important. Is there a bridge to each other around areas of significant difference? Exploring the possibility of opening up your relationship regarding getting your needs made in different ways. How misunderstandings regarding needs can create struggles with physical and sexual intimacy. Lack of knowledge and feeling you don’t deserve something better can cause you to give up. Sex may have been routine and may not include a lot of communication. High desire person may not be getting the heart connection and pleasure they want. Penetrative sex is not the only type of sex. Research has shown that many queer couples are having better sex. Can you and your partner create a menu of what you each like? Mojoupgrade.com has a quiz regarding sexual interests and preferences. When one partner wants to engage in watching pornography and the other partner is confused. Understanding the role of pornography and why it’s in your partner’s life. Understand why your partner may feel betrayed. Porn does not give you intimacy. Gain an understanding of when your partner started looking at porn, what was the purpose, what does it help with, what does it get in the way of, and how can you build a sexual health plan together. Pinklabel.tv; Erikalust.com (suggested sites for ethical porn) Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health (https://weknowship.org/) Any act of loving is an act of risk. Your partner may disappoint you and/or break your trust. Have reasonable expectations and determine how each of you want to manage the bumps in the road of your relationship. Are you both willing to work to become a better version of yourself on the other side of your challenges? You can contact Dr. Tina at: www.TinaSchermersellers.com or you can follow her or the Northwest Institute on Instagram: @Drtinashameless or @Nwinstituteonintimacy