Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

To learn more about the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards and Workbook, support groups and other resources Mona has available check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com __________________________________________________ During this conversation with Damla we explore how autism and narcissist traits can co-exist. The topics we discuss include: Love bombing. Denial of neurodivergence. Very direct communication. Routines with housekeeping and meals. Spending money on things that made his life easier. Seemed not to care about finances. Did not have many friends. Not taking responsibility for the impact of his behavior. Cultural differences. Understanding which behaviors are toxic. Adjusted her life to fit into his life and routine. Feeling exhausted and started to implement boundaries. Relationship began to change after boundaries were being set. Everything had to be his way and he stopped being loving and kind. Understanding when gaslighting was occurring. Not taking responsibility for any of his behavior. Not feeling bad or sad when you hurt someone you care about. The importance of focusing on people’s behavior and not ignoring when actions are toxic. Pay attention when someone doesn’t apologize or take responsibility for their behavior. If you would like to reach out to Damla you can follow her on IG @discoverneurodiversity

Mona and Greg are co-facilitating a mixed neurotype support group on the 3rd Friday of each month, from 12:30-2pm EST. This is a "drop-in" group for individuals (not couples) and you can attend as often as you want, but space is limited. Everyone who registers for the April or May support group will receive a free digital download of the Neurodiverse Love Cards and the Neurodiverse Love Card Workbook ($23.97 value) The cost is ONLY $25 per session and if you would like to register for the support group click here. __________________________________________________ During this episode, Mona Kay and Greg Fuqua talk about repair after conflict and employment challenges. In addition, other topics discussed include: Repairing major ruptures. Being uncomfortable facing your failures RSD-rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Book by John and Julie Gottman called “Fight Right. Based on the Gottman’s research: 69% of our problems are perpetual and 31% of our problems are solvable. Traumas and values may impact repeated conflict. Self blindness may contribute to not wanting to go too deep with conflict. Understanding cognitive style, triggers, and attachment styles is important. How alexythymia can impact conflict and conflict resolution. Is your conflict gridlocked? 6 questions to consider asking each other after a conflict: 1) What do you believe about this issue that you’re fighting about? Do you have some values, ethics or beliefs that relate to your position on this issue?:  2) Does your position on this conflict relate to your history or childhood in some way?: 3) Why is your position on this issue Important to you?: 4) What are your feelings about this issue? (If one of you has Alexythymia you may need more time and space to think about the response to this question).:  5) What is your ideal dream here?  If you could waive a magic wand and have exactly what you want what would that look like?: 6) Is there some underlying purpose or goal for you and what is it? Having a curiosity mindset when working together to repair a rupture is very important. Aphantasia-having a hard time creating an imaginative state. Ability to compromise and honor your partners needs. When working on repair after conflict creating a bridge with your partner is helpful. Using reflective statements can also be helpful. Value each others perspective even when you’re not aligned. Understanding each other’s hardware and software. Neurodivergence in family of origin and not knowing this when you were younger. Having a growth mindset. Turn taking, slowing down and taking time to listen to your partner is critical. Challenges working to your potential and staying on a career path that will lead to financial success. The importance of boundaries.  There may be some challenges in maintaining employment because the neurodivergent partner needs accommodations at work but doesn’t ask for them or understand what they need. The autistic partner may have a black and white narrative about themselves and the world. Selling your soul in employment may lead to depression. Capacity and work schedule need to be discussed. Autistics can have very spiky skillsets. Where is the culture and job situation that fits you? Working hard at the beginning of new employment and not being able to keep up that  pace can lead to burnout. Challenges in employment can deeply impact your self worth and identity. The possibility of being parentified. Take inventory of all you’ve achieved as well as the things you’ve overcome. What if our partners are a source for our healing? You can contact Mona at neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com or at www.neurodiverselove.com. You can contact Greg at gfuqua70@gmail.com or at www.gregfuqua.com

During this episode with Dr. Jessie Mahoney, we talk about how we can change the stories we tell ourselves, retrain our nervous system and create more mindful practices that can help us improve our lives. In addition, we address the following topics: Choosing to change yourself can create shifts in your relationship. Understanding the griefor depression each of you may feel and understanding. Getting clear about things out of your control that can’t be changed. Retraining our own nervous system first. Parasympathetic nervous system is focused on rest and digest. Sympathetic nervous system is running from the tiger. We can feel bewildered and respond or react at different speeds. In adrenal depletion we just react and are not pausing. Fight or flight response releases cortisol. Self compassion releases dopamine and oxytocin which feels good. Learn different breathing practices to see what works for you.  This can help you be less reactive. Restorative yoga can be very helpful. We have held onto stories that may be misinterpretations. How can we create positive stories and remember the things you fell in love with and focus on how you’re the same. Understand your neurodiverse relationship is going to look different than other relationships. Create a positive story about the way your partner shows you love.  Reframing stories can be so helpful. Tell the story that we’re both doing the best we can.  Judge the effort, not just the outcome! Change the way you think and then determine if you need to make a change. Determine what your non-negotiables are and after doing that you may realize that you are no longer compatible. When you’re in a state of constant frustration you can’t be fully invested. Focus on both of your individual strengths. What is your partner good at that you don’t like and vice versa? Generosity of thinking and assuming good intent can help you get out of a tug of war with your partner. Create a toolbox for moving through the world more smoothly. Mindfulness is acceptance (even if you don’t like what is happening). You can have acceptance and still be angry or have other feelings and this can empowering. What you practice grows. Be patient with yourself and wour partners.  Our partners may have a different nervous system pace. Allow yourself and your partner to be angry. Accepting and not liking and still listening is so important. 69% of our problems in our relationships are perpetual and 31% are solvable. Ask yourself-“What would love do?” You don’t always have to understand. Self compassion is a life raft. Learn more about Jessie's work at her website: www.jessiemahoneymd.com Jessie's free yoga classes are available on YouTube at Mindful Yoga for Healers Listen to Jessie's podcast- Mindful Healers here.

On the 3rd Friday of the month from 12:30-2pm EST, Greg Fuqua and Mona Kay will be co-facilitating a mixed neurotype support group for individuals (not couples). This is a "drop-in" support group, so you can attend whenever you want, however spots are limited. The cost is ONLY $25 per session and you can click here to register. If you have any questions about the support group, please email Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com In addition, if you would like to buy access to the Communication Workshop that Mona and Greg co-facilitated and the workbook that was created for the workshop you can click here. __________________________________________________ During this episode, Mona Kay and Greg Fuqua talk about unidentified autism, monotropism and persistent demand for autonomy. Each of these topics is discussed in detail and some of the issues addressed are: Gaps in identity and not knowing how you’re perceived. What does it mean to be autistic? Understanding your neurodivergence can be life changing and empowering. How do you look at your relationship through a new lens when you know you’re a neurodiverse couple? When you don’t understand your communication differences, emotional needs, socializing differences and then you discover you’re a neurodiverse couple. Knowing the why behind why you’re having challenges as a couple. The stigma around autism can make the discussion challenging. Lead with love and curiosity. Ask yourself why it's so important for your partner to receive a diagnosis when they are unidentified? It may be helpful to talk about autistic traits or neurodivergence. Both partners need to be growing and become more self aware. But you may be growing at different speeds. Look at the different options ND couples can consider in their relationship. Creative solutions are okay. Our journey’s can look very different. Know your boundaries. Monotropism-a persons tendency to focus their attention on a small number of things. Lends itself to intense experiences, deep thinking and flow states. Can contribute to context blindness. Autistic inertia. Validate and support your partner’s passions and self interests and negotiate how they can shift when needed. Capacity and stress may contribute to more monotropism. Welcome the questions your partner asks when you talk about your passion or special interests.  It feels good and calms your nervous system when you know your partner has heard and understood you. Processing preferences and needs. Persistent Demand for Autonomy (PDA). Being flexible regarding decision making. Not understanding lack of follow through. Losing trust and respect for your partner. Using affirmation instead of making a request for more demands. Talking about intent and process is so important. Making your partner feel good about themselves rather than demanding something. Are you assuming your partner has positive or good intent? If you would like to contact Greg you can email him at: GFuqua70@gmail.com or check out his website at: www.Gregfuqua.com

During this epsisode with Dr. Grace Malonai we talk about PDA, sensory sensitivities and sex, hygiene issues, and masking and unmasking. In addition, we address the following topics: Understanding PDA by looking at trauma and the trauma response to take care of ourselves.  May have developed a protective mechanism and a way to manage it. Avoiding things that will elicit a similar response or experience.  Impact of challenges that happen during different developmental windows. Noticing the change in your behaviors and then breaking things down into small little steps. Bring your adult self back to a childhood memory using “parts” work. Hygiene issues and struggles you or your partner may have. Addressing possible sensory issues. Ways to develop work arounds. Sensory sensitivities and sex. Communicate about your sensory sensitivities and practice what feels good and understand what doesn’t feel good. LGBTQI+ and neurodivergence. Interest in kink and the benefits of having more rules and implicit trust. Neurodivergent folks may have to go through lots of self exploration. Masking and Unmasking-understanding when you developed the masks. Trauma masks may be the ones that many people want to release. Some masks may be helpful to be able to function in certain circumstances. Do you know when you started to feel overwhelmed having to mask?  Which masks hurt and take so much energy?  Using masks to protect yourself. Get to know your mask as another part of you. What kind of stims are going to help you after you mask all day? Understanding each others values and discussing which values are supportive of each other and which are in conflict?l Falling in love with someone’s mask and then determining if you can love the person under the mask? Every person deserves to love and value who they are! It’s okay to slow down and get to know who you are. Take time to heal! You can contact Dr. Grace through her website: www.therathrive.com or by calling her practice at: 1-888-777-2915 To learn more about the support groups and other resources that Mona has available check out her website: www.neurodiverselove.com

If you would like to buy the digital deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11) click here. If you would like to buy the Neurodiveres Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97) click here. To buy access to the recording of the Communication Workshop that Mona and Greg co-facilitated and the workshop workbook for ONLY $97 click here.  The mixed neurotype support group that Mona and Greg will be co-facilitating will be held on the 3rd Friday of the month and begins meeting on 4/19/24 at 12:30pm EST. The group is for individuals (not couples) who are currently in a Neurodiverse Love Relationship. The cost is ONLY $25 per session. To register ⁠click here.⁠ During this episode, Mona Kay and Greg Fuqua talk about the disconnection and misunderstanding that neurodiverse couples may be experiencing around sex and physical intimacy. They also share ways in which understanding and connection can be improved. Other topics discussed include: Sex as a special interest. The importance of understanding how you prefer to show love and how you want love to be shown to you.  Finding healthy sources for information about sex. Attending to other people’s needs to be accepted.  Struggling with connections with your body. Being objectified.  Being able to separate the emotion from sex. Social anxiety about what’s expected. Getting information from porn. Having a curiosity lens. Being hyper-sexual can be a form of self regulation.  Alcohol can be used to help reduce intimacy issues. Sexual routines may be used to help pleasure your partner and sometimes this may feel robotic. It is easier to navigate sex when you have structures and know what works. Understanding sexual diversity.  You learn by reflecting on experience…debrief with your partner. Passive vs active touch. Feeling rejected. Breaching physical boundaries when not ready or prepared. Being ready when our partner wants to connect.  Sensory issues that we may not understand. Asking before engaging in physical touch. Cuddling may be overwhelming or overstimulating.  Practice platonic cuddling and touching.  Eye contact during intimacy can be overwhelming.  Alexythymia may impact what you feel, want and need. Shame can create an emotionally unsafe situation. The importance of understanding each other’s sensory sensitivities and limits. Sensory overwhelm and having to meet the needs of your partner may reduce sexual intimacy. Engaging in masturbation and watching porn, but not being sexual with your partner. Scheduling sex may help the ND partner to prepare.  Prevents initiation and rejection issues which could lead to rejection sensitivity. Address disparity of needs and interests. Remembering when intimacy was working well. Bridges of understanding and taking turns. Not understanding social cues and sexual abuse. Relational trauma. Understanding and addressing shame.  You can contact Greg Fuqua at : Gfuqua70@gmail.com or check out his website at: www.gregfuqua.com

Mona's next Neurodiverse Couples Support Group begins in April. The group meets for 4 weeks from 7:30-9pm EST on 4/11, 4/18, 4/25 & 5/2. The investment is ONLY $199 per couple and there are only a few spots left. If you want to better understand the differences you and your partner may be experiencing in communication, emotional reciprocity, socializing, executive function, sensory sensitivities and physical intimacy click here to register or go to www.neurodiverselove.com _________________________________________________ On this episode, Dr. Jill Corvelli talks about the 4th component of her ND Compass Method. The first 3 components are: Education; Niche Construction; and Differentiation. The 4th and final component is: Autonomic Rese,t which includes work with Ketamine and Psyilocybin.  Other topics discussed include: When there is chronic relationship trauma the dendrite stalks get worn away. Memory consolidation makes ongoing present moment roadblocks EMDR can help with healing in 1-6 sessions Need to find a way of resetting our nervous system or we are constantly in a flight, fight, freeze, or fawn response state Research shows that the "default mode network" (DMN) is different in ND folks Lower level of neurotransmitters in ADHD brain. Stress and cortisol can make neurons and dendrites atrophy and they can’t communicate Release of BDNF regenerates what trauma has withered away! Not everyone is eligible for Ketamine.  You need an assessment and it needs to be done with a licensed therapist. Jill is starting 2 new groups for innate healing and neuroplastic reset for those eligible to safely and clinically participate. Jill's co-leader, Mary Beathea is a nurse Group 1-Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy group for women in complex relationships. May 7-9 onsite in Oregon.  This is not a processing group it is an intervention group.  Three prep sessions by Zoom and then 2 dosing sessions in Oregon.  Then 3 integration sessions where you make sense of the experience with a group. Group 2-Psilocybin group for complex couples. Meets September 26-28 in Oregon. Ketamine provides an amazing assist with rapid therapeutic change, neuroplastic window, more cognitive flexibility to do work in, insight and clarity to reframe important life issues, lay down defenses, overcome obstacles, navigate obstacles that caused stress, and recover self, increase window of tolerance, get unstuck, work assist, recovery of self. https://www.ndpartnerscompass.com/courses/women-complex-partnerships-ketamine-retreat  b) Psilocybin-Same neuroplastic reset- dendrites fertilized regrowth, liquid compassion Psilocybin- sacred perspective, part self and part wisdom, other places of sacredness. Decisions, obstacles, innate healing activated https://www.ndpartnerscompass.com/courses/complex-couples-psilocybin-assisted-group-therapy   In addition, Jill is providing adjunct support in collaboration with a couple or individual’s regular therapist. For adjunct services there is no wait list. Jill provides up to 6 sessions of Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy and EMDR in NJ, OR, WA (can travel in) and Jill's ND Compass Method is available everywhere. You can contact Jill at: jill@jillcorvelli.com and ndpartnersinstitute.com   PLEASE NOTE: Psilocybin is legal at the state level in Oregon for regulated use in certified service centers with certified facilitators. It remains federally illegal-(much like cannabis). It has been identified as a break through drug at the federal level fueling research and strong potential change in its scheduling and legal status. Many states are also looking to follow Oregon in providing accessibility for its demonstrated ability to quickly resolve treatment resistant depression, anxiety, and addiction. Ketamine is federally and state legal with FDA approval for anesthetic use and not FDA approved but commonly and legally prescribed for off label use for treatment of depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders, and other issues.

You can buy the downloadable digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards (ONLY $11) or the Workbook (ONLY $12.97) at www.neurodiverselove.com If you would like to purchase the "Strategies & Tools for Increasing Healthy & Respectful Communication" workshop with Greg Fuqua, LMHC and Mona Kay, MSW. Ph.D. click here. The recording and the workshop workbook are available for ONLY $97. In addition, you will receive a discount code to purchase the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards and Workbook for ONLY $1 for each __________________________________________________ During this episode, AANE Certified Neurodiverse Couples Counselor and Coach, Jill Kearns shares some of the lessons she learned and her lived experience in her neurodiverse marriage of almost 40 years. Other topics addressed include: Emotional neglect Cassandra Syndrome When trust is broken Living parallel lives Feeling alone and unsafe and pushed out by the tribe The importance of the book "The Body Keeps the Score" The impact of significant trauma Alexythymia The pain of choosing to either stay or leave is real Masking in public, but different behind closed doors Flooded with stress hormones Not being able to emotionally regulate Using alcohol to dull the pain Memory and attention problems, chronic irritability and sleep problems 18 months of chronic physical problems Chronic interpersonal trauma Healing through self-awareness, mindfulness, meditation, self-care, positive relationships, and EMDR Apologies and forgiveness Neurodiverse Couple Trauma Cycle There is hope! Lack of understanding is mostly a disaster, while knowledge can be the key to success. If you would like to contact Jill you can check out her website at: www.neurodiversecouplescounselling.com.au or email her at: jill.e.kearns@gmail.com For more information on the Neurodiverse Couples Trauma Cycle check out: https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/trauma-cycle

If you and your partner are looking for ways to improve your communication in your mixed neurotype relationship, then⁠ click here⁠ to purchase the recorded workshop with Greg Fuqua and Mona Kay titled: "Strategies and Tools for Increasing Healthy and Respectful Communication in Your Neurodiverse Relationship". The topics that are addressed include: 1) Rituals of Communication. 2) Healthy Communication Structures. 3) Reciprocity and Turn Taking. 4) Perspective Taking and Conflict Resolution. 5) Tools for Communicating Changes Wanted and Needed. The investment for this workshop is ONLY $97 and each participant will receive a Communication Workbook and a code to purchase the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11 value) and the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97 value) for only $1 each! _______________________________________________________________ During this episode, Mona and Greg talk about their lived experiences co-parenting with a partner who has a different neurotype. They share some of the lessons they both learned, things they now understand and would have done differently, as well as the strengths in their co-parenting relationships. In addition, they address many other topics including: Having shame around parenting because it can reveal some of our issues around neurodivergence.  ND mind needs time to recover and the parenting demands may make it seem like they don’t have space to recover. Being great in emergency and crisis situations.  Hyperfocus can be very helpful. Needing to engage in activities and having a role during an event. When only one parent goes to most school activities, birthday parties and other events that involve other kids. Identify your stylistic differences, preferences, strengths and roles as parents. Sensory overload and not knowing your sensory profile can create lots of challenges. Parents may experience emotional overload or overwhelm because they don't understand each other's neurological differences. One parent may be the safe person for the children to go to. May feel like you have an angry and unavailable partner. Try not to identify your partner by their most vulnerable and difficult moments. The importance of recognizing relational trauma and neurodivergence legacy. Understanding that our neurodivergent traits may be passed down to our children. Take time to talk to your child about how you may not have been able to meet their needs.  How alexithymia may impact the parent-child dynamic. Not being able to tolerate highly emotional situations like screaming or intense crying. Kids may feel like they have to  “walk on eggshells” with a parent. Understanding how screaming or shutting down can impact your children. Understanding an ND partner may not engage in certain parenting responsibilities because they don’t want to get it wrong. One parent may experience shame around what they feel they can’t do as a parent. Your passions or special interests may be places where you can bond and connect with your kids. Kids attune to each parent and seek “attachment” Be a student to your kid and learn from them and understand their needs and personality. The way your family thrives may be SO different from other families...and that’s okay. Understand that the maintenance of your relationship with your college age or adult child may change. The need for mutuality and reciprocity. Being clear about what the adult child needs from their parent. When you feel something positive about your child tell them. Connect with your adult child on a regular basis and consider adding a reminder to your calendar to reach out to them. If you would like to learn more about the support groups and other resources Mona offers, you can check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com If you would like to contact Greg, you can check out his website at: www.gregfuqua.com

If you would like to join the "mixed neurotype" support group that I co-facilitate with Jodi Carlton called "Navigating Decisions and Choices in Your Neurodiverse Relationship" you can register at: https://jodicarlton.com/groups/ The cost is ONLY $25 per session and we offer 2 groups (12:30-2PM EST and 6:30-8pm EST) and they both meet on Zoom on the 1st Wednesday of each month. In addition, if you would like to order the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11) or the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97) you can click here Thank you for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! _______________________________________________________ During this episode of the podcast, Mona has an opportunity to talk with Tristan and Renee who recently learned that they are a mixed neurotype couple. Tristan identifies as having some traits of what used to be identified as Asperger's and Renee identifies as ADHD. Throughout this conversation, both Tristan and Renee share the struggles and growth they have experienced individually, as a couple and as a neurodiverse family with two young children. Other topics addressed include: Their different perspectives on their relationship when they first met. When one partner is clear about the path for the relationship, but hasn't communicated it to the other person: ie: if you're pursuing someone, it's only for marriage. Codependency and trying to solve other people's problems. Not understanding when you have poor boundaries. Supression of emotions and being hypervigilant. When you have neurodivergent traits, but would not be diagnosed based on the current criteria. Anger is a sign of fear. We all deserve to do the things we love and live a life with peace, freedom and a lasting, healthy relationship. Communicate what you need and how your brain and emotions work. When your faith helps keep you together. Agape love can be a transforming force. Do we actually change or just begin to see things differently? How are you supporting each other as you each become more of your authentic selves? The pain needs to pay off somehow and it might be used to help others who are having similar challenges. What does it look like to love the future version of your partner? The value of learning and using the Imago Process by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt LaKelly Your partner may feel like they have the solution to every problem. Choosing to be more assertive. When people are emotional they may say things they don't mean! In other cultures they accept people being in crisis and believe they can work through it and get to the other side. You can crash and burn, but it's not the final destination. Sometimes we need our partner to do more then just listen and respond appropriately...we need empathy. The interplay between the masculine and feminine. To contact Tristan and Renee you can go to: www.purposeadvisory.com.au or send an email to: tristan@purposeadvisory.com.au