Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

If you would like to learn about the support groups and other resources Mona has available you can check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _________________________________________________ During this episode with AuDHD'er Scott Simpson, we talk about the impact of unknown neurodivergence and how important understanding yourself and your needs can be to help lead you to a path that includes forgiveness and healing. Other topics addressed include: Past relationships had a similar pattern. Would freeze when emotions came up. Trying to do things right long enough so that things would be okay. Feeling resentment from your partner, but not knowing what to do with it. Not knowing what your partner needs. Being confused and not planning ahead. Working on masking full time, but not knowing what that really meant. Things you say under pressure.  Sucking at hard conversations.  Routines while living together. Wife was a social worker. He had a fling. Seeking porn. Being willing to do whatever it takes, but not knowing what to do. Started therapy to address some issues that came up in his relationship. Didn’t want to marry someone who didn’t believe in him. Try focusing on the positives, rather than the challenges and differences. Expectations that there is only one way to do things and we want our partner to do it our way, Focus on the solvable problems. When you feel that you can’t talk about issues. The big proposal at Times Square in NYC. Time blindness. Waffling on decisions until pushed Wife had treatment resistant depression. Walking on eggshells. Feeling like you can’t meet your partner’s expectations. Thinking feelings, rather than feeling them and alexythymia. Didn’t know if he would be a good dad. During childbirth they found out his wife had cancer. In-laws moved in and it changed everything and he wasn’t prepared for the changes. Wife was planning to divorce him after the baby was born.  She felt he had no empathy and couldn’t be a supportive husband. Feeling like he was set up for failure. Wife screamed at him..."There is something wrong with you!”  …and she resented him. Everything he was doing was seen as an attack or a failure. The contempt has to stop. Wife had gone outside of their marriage to get some of her needs met. Deprived each other of so much love and joy. We can’t change the past. Felt like he lost half his brain when his wife died. Started learning about challenges with executive function and ADHD. ADHD didn’t answer all the questions and then learned about autism. Understanding neurodivergence helped burn off some of the trauma and shame. Son is gifted and might also be Autistic. “Unknown”neurodivergence throughout the family tree. Understanding each other’s neurotype within the family. Accepting your strengths, challenges, and differences and those of your friends and creating a supportive tribe. Thinking that there is only one way to be. Resented people who were their authentic selves. Always learning and growing. An experiential learner, who doesn’t learn from experience! Learning how to ask for what you need. Find the sandbox where you can talk about things safely…it lets so much happen. "Expecting" consistency may create challenges. Attribution of intention that is not correct. Learn how to forgive yourself…and start with your younger self.

During this episode, Dr. Katie Fields, LMHC, LMFT shares how the work she does through "CounSouling" weaves together her background in both mental health counseling and spiritual practices to help you better understand your ego and your soul, so that you become your most authentic Self.  Other topics addressed include: The therapeutic model called Internal Family Systems (IFS) uses the premise that we all are multi-dimensional personalities.   We have protective parts, parts that are managers and some that take on our burdens and vulnerabilities and then we have our most authentic “Self”. Traditional mental health therapy usually focuses on ego. Ego is our “persona suit” that helps us be in control of ourselves. Being ego focused may actually be when neurodivergent folks “mask or camouflage”. Ego can create masking behaviors to protect us. Being comfortable with our authentic voice can help us get more in touch with our Soul/Self. You may realize how hard you’ve been working to survive your day to day interactions. Grieving the old you as you transition to become more of your authentic self. Total wellness is possible! Letting go of what no longer serves you…including some relationships. Shifting your energy may involve setting boundaries and respectfully sharing your needs.  This can be healing for you and scary for others who may not be ready to, or want to, heal. You’re the only person who is going to be with you for the entirety of your life…make yourself a priority! The Enneagram is a 9 type personality tool that helps you see yourself.  First reflection will show you your ego, however it is a spiritual tool that helps you get back to your true Self. We want to feel safe and protected.  The ego is very adaptive and wants to protect us. There are ways to get in touch with what brings us joy! Taking radical responsibility for the life you want. Helping you get back on track. Numerology can be a tool that can help us understand more of our “user manual”.  Energetic patterns can help you learn lessons. In numerology you will get four different numbers from your name that can help you understand more about yourself.    Your integrated self is all the numbers in the layers in your name. When you are becoming integrated this is when your ego and soul are besties. Soul number is just the vowels in your name. Personality number is the consonants in your name and is your ego and how you show up. Your birth date is your “Life path”…the main lessons you are here to learn.  To learn more about Katie’s work or to get a free sample reading you can check out her website at: http://www.fearlesscounsouling.com

If you would like to learn more about Mona's support groups, workshops or the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards or Workboook you can check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _________________________________________________ During this episode, Mona has a fantastic conversation with psychologist and author, Jasmine Loo, who is in Melbourne, Australia. Jasmine is the author of the book: "Nurturing Neurodivergence-The Late Identified Adults' Guide to Building Healthy Relationships With Self and Others". The topics discussed include: Vulnerability of neurodivergents in relationships. How difficulties in perspective taking can impact how we think others see the world and lead to relational trauma. How trusting can lead to trauma. Understanding healthy vs unhealthy relationships. Explicit learning may be useful. Needing a role model for healthy relationships. May have cognitive knowledge about many things, but may not be able to apply it. Having the memory, but having a gap applying the information in the future. Temporal myopia. Emotional distance from a painful memory can create a disconnect with emotional urgency and relevance. Toxic relationships may start out good. Gaslighting-makes you question your own sanity. Emotional and psychological abuse. Nuanced elements of relationships. Some cultures glorify certain behaviors that are not healthy. In the media, healthy relationship patterns may be seen as boring. Understanding your strengths and challenges and being able  to ask for help when you need it. It may be hard to believe in your strengths, if you’ve been told how bad you are throughout your life. Traits are not inherently good or bad, however it is important to view them in different contexts. Understanding what can change or can’t between different neurotypes. Sensory overload will impact your response or reaction. Being in self protection mode. Knowledge is power. Self understanding and self acceptance go hand in hand. Learn how to fight in healthy ways. Open communication during sensory or emotional overload may lead to meltdown or shutdown. You can’t clap with one hand, so both partners need to understand each other. Understanding when you or your partners nervous system is dysregulated. Do not be afraid to hit “pause” in a conversation with your partner. Alexithymia-struggling for your brain to register cues from your body. Looking like you are going from 0-100 very quickly and understanding your body’s cues. Having an individual and a relationship sensory toolbox can help you re-regulate yourself and co-regulate with your partner. Understanding when we humanize ourselves it doesn’t have to dehumanize someone else.  What you each need to feel safe in your relationships. “All emotions are okay although not all behaviors are.” Emotions don’t have to dictate behavior. Anger is not our enemy, it is trying to tell us something. The sticky brain and obsessionality-random thoughts or words that may get stuck in our heads. Can make it harder for ND people to move on. Learn to accept and understand the signs and doing “acceptance” work can help move out of “sticky brain” mode. Physical activity can ground you to the present. You can contact Jasmine through her psychology website: www.jasmineloopsychology.com or her author website: www.jasmine-loo.com

To learn more about the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards and Workbook, support groups and other resources Mona has available check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com __________________________________________________ During this conversation with Damla we explore how autism and narcissist traits can co-exist. The topics we discuss include: Love bombing. Denial of neurodivergence. Very direct communication. Routines with housekeeping and meals. Spending money on things that made his life easier. Seemed not to care about finances. Did not have many friends. Not taking responsibility for the impact of his behavior. Cultural differences. Understanding which behaviors are toxic. Adjusted her life to fit into his life and routine. Feeling exhausted and started to implement boundaries. Relationship began to change after boundaries were being set. Everything had to be his way and he stopped being loving and kind. Understanding when gaslighting was occurring. Not taking responsibility for any of his behavior. Not feeling bad or sad when you hurt someone you care about. The importance of focusing on people’s behavior and not ignoring when actions are toxic. Pay attention when someone doesn’t apologize or take responsibility for their behavior. If you would like to reach out to Damla you can follow her on IG @discoverneurodiversity

Mona and Greg are co-facilitating a mixed neurotype support group on the 3rd Friday of each month, from 12:30-2pm EST. This is a "drop-in" group for individuals (not couples) and you can attend as often as you want, but space is limited. Everyone who registers for the April or May support group will receive a free digital download of the Neurodiverse Love Cards and the Neurodiverse Love Card Workbook ($23.97 value) The cost is ONLY $25 per session and if you would like to register for the support group click here. __________________________________________________ During this episode, Mona Kay and Greg Fuqua talk about repair after conflict and employment challenges. In addition, other topics discussed include: Repairing major ruptures. Being uncomfortable facing your failures RSD-rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Book by John and Julie Gottman called “Fight Right. Based on the Gottman’s research: 69% of our problems are perpetual and 31% of our problems are solvable. Traumas and values may impact repeated conflict. Self blindness may contribute to not wanting to go too deep with conflict. Understanding cognitive style, triggers, and attachment styles is important. How alexythymia can impact conflict and conflict resolution. Is your conflict gridlocked? 6 questions to consider asking each other after a conflict: 1) What do you believe about this issue that you’re fighting about? Do you have some values, ethics or beliefs that relate to your position on this issue?:  2) Does your position on this conflict relate to your history or childhood in some way?: 3) Why is your position on this issue Important to you?: 4) What are your feelings about this issue? (If one of you has Alexythymia you may need more time and space to think about the response to this question).:  5) What is your ideal dream here?  If you could waive a magic wand and have exactly what you want what would that look like?: 6) Is there some underlying purpose or goal for you and what is it? Having a curiosity mindset when working together to repair a rupture is very important. Aphantasia-having a hard time creating an imaginative state. Ability to compromise and honor your partners needs. When working on repair after conflict creating a bridge with your partner is helpful. Using reflective statements can also be helpful. Value each others perspective even when you’re not aligned. Understanding each other’s hardware and software. Neurodivergence in family of origin and not knowing this when you were younger. Having a growth mindset. Turn taking, slowing down and taking time to listen to your partner is critical. Challenges working to your potential and staying on a career path that will lead to financial success. The importance of boundaries.  There may be some challenges in maintaining employment because the neurodivergent partner needs accommodations at work but doesn’t ask for them or understand what they need. The autistic partner may have a black and white narrative about themselves and the world. Selling your soul in employment may lead to depression. Capacity and work schedule need to be discussed. Autistics can have very spiky skillsets. Where is the culture and job situation that fits you? Working hard at the beginning of new employment and not being able to keep up that  pace can lead to burnout. Challenges in employment can deeply impact your self worth and identity. The possibility of being parentified. Take inventory of all you’ve achieved as well as the things you’ve overcome. What if our partners are a source for our healing? You can contact Mona at neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com or at www.neurodiverselove.com. You can contact Greg at gfuqua70@gmail.com or at www.gregfuqua.com

During this episode with Dr. Jessie Mahoney, we talk about how we can change the stories we tell ourselves, retrain our nervous system and create more mindful practices that can help us improve our lives. In addition, we address the following topics: Choosing to change yourself can create shifts in your relationship. Understanding the griefor depression each of you may feel and understanding. Getting clear about things out of your control that can’t be changed. Retraining our own nervous system first. Parasympathetic nervous system is focused on rest and digest. Sympathetic nervous system is running from the tiger. We can feel bewildered and respond or react at different speeds. In adrenal depletion we just react and are not pausing. Fight or flight response releases cortisol. Self compassion releases dopamine and oxytocin which feels good. Learn different breathing practices to see what works for you.  This can help you be less reactive. Restorative yoga can be very helpful. We have held onto stories that may be misinterpretations. How can we create positive stories and remember the things you fell in love with and focus on how you’re the same. Understand your neurodiverse relationship is going to look different than other relationships. Create a positive story about the way your partner shows you love.  Reframing stories can be so helpful. Tell the story that we’re both doing the best we can.  Judge the effort, not just the outcome! Change the way you think and then determine if you need to make a change. Determine what your non-negotiables are and after doing that you may realize that you are no longer compatible. When you’re in a state of constant frustration you can’t be fully invested. Focus on both of your individual strengths. What is your partner good at that you don’t like and vice versa? Generosity of thinking and assuming good intent can help you get out of a tug of war with your partner. Create a toolbox for moving through the world more smoothly. Mindfulness is acceptance (even if you don’t like what is happening). You can have acceptance and still be angry or have other feelings and this can empowering. What you practice grows. Be patient with yourself and wour partners.  Our partners may have a different nervous system pace. Allow yourself and your partner to be angry. Accepting and not liking and still listening is so important. 69% of our problems in our relationships are perpetual and 31% are solvable. Ask yourself-“What would love do?” You don’t always have to understand. Self compassion is a life raft. Learn more about Jessie's work at her website: www.jessiemahoneymd.com Jessie's free yoga classes are available on YouTube at Mindful Yoga for Healers Listen to Jessie's podcast- Mindful Healers here.

On the 3rd Friday of the month from 12:30-2pm EST, Greg Fuqua and Mona Kay will be co-facilitating a mixed neurotype support group for individuals (not couples). This is a "drop-in" support group, so you can attend whenever you want, however spots are limited. The cost is ONLY $25 per session and you can click here to register. If you have any questions about the support group, please email Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com In addition, if you would like to buy access to the Communication Workshop that Mona and Greg co-facilitated and the workbook that was created for the workshop you can click here. __________________________________________________ During this episode, Mona Kay and Greg Fuqua talk about unidentified autism, monotropism and persistent demand for autonomy. Each of these topics is discussed in detail and some of the issues addressed are: Gaps in identity and not knowing how you’re perceived. What does it mean to be autistic? Understanding your neurodivergence can be life changing and empowering. How do you look at your relationship through a new lens when you know you’re a neurodiverse couple? When you don’t understand your communication differences, emotional needs, socializing differences and then you discover you’re a neurodiverse couple. Knowing the why behind why you’re having challenges as a couple. The stigma around autism can make the discussion challenging. Lead with love and curiosity. Ask yourself why it's so important for your partner to receive a diagnosis when they are unidentified? It may be helpful to talk about autistic traits or neurodivergence. Both partners need to be growing and become more self aware. But you may be growing at different speeds. Look at the different options ND couples can consider in their relationship. Creative solutions are okay. Our journey’s can look very different. Know your boundaries. Monotropism-a persons tendency to focus their attention on a small number of things. Lends itself to intense experiences, deep thinking and flow states. Can contribute to context blindness. Autistic inertia. Validate and support your partner’s passions and self interests and negotiate how they can shift when needed. Capacity and stress may contribute to more monotropism. Welcome the questions your partner asks when you talk about your passion or special interests.  It feels good and calms your nervous system when you know your partner has heard and understood you. Processing preferences and needs. Persistent Demand for Autonomy (PDA). Being flexible regarding decision making. Not understanding lack of follow through. Losing trust and respect for your partner. Using affirmation instead of making a request for more demands. Talking about intent and process is so important. Making your partner feel good about themselves rather than demanding something. Are you assuming your partner has positive or good intent? If you would like to contact Greg you can email him at: GFuqua70@gmail.com or check out his website at: www.Gregfuqua.com

During this epsisode with Dr. Grace Malonai we talk about PDA, sensory sensitivities and sex, hygiene issues, and masking and unmasking. In addition, we address the following topics: Understanding PDA by looking at trauma and the trauma response to take care of ourselves.  May have developed a protective mechanism and a way to manage it. Avoiding things that will elicit a similar response or experience.  Impact of challenges that happen during different developmental windows. Noticing the change in your behaviors and then breaking things down into small little steps. Bring your adult self back to a childhood memory using “parts” work. Hygiene issues and struggles you or your partner may have. Addressing possible sensory issues. Ways to develop work arounds. Sensory sensitivities and sex. Communicate about your sensory sensitivities and practice what feels good and understand what doesn’t feel good. LGBTQI+ and neurodivergence. Interest in kink and the benefits of having more rules and implicit trust. Neurodivergent folks may have to go through lots of self exploration. Masking and Unmasking-understanding when you developed the masks. Trauma masks may be the ones that many people want to release. Some masks may be helpful to be able to function in certain circumstances. Do you know when you started to feel overwhelmed having to mask?  Which masks hurt and take so much energy?  Using masks to protect yourself. Get to know your mask as another part of you. What kind of stims are going to help you after you mask all day? Understanding each others values and discussing which values are supportive of each other and which are in conflict?l Falling in love with someone’s mask and then determining if you can love the person under the mask? Every person deserves to love and value who they are! It’s okay to slow down and get to know who you are. Take time to heal! You can contact Dr. Grace through her website: www.therathrive.com or by calling her practice at: 1-888-777-2915 To learn more about the support groups and other resources that Mona has available check out her website: www.neurodiverselove.com

If you would like to buy the digital deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11) click here. If you would like to buy the Neurodiveres Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97) click here. To buy access to the recording of the Communication Workshop that Mona and Greg co-facilitated and the workshop workbook for ONLY $97 click here.  The mixed neurotype support group that Mona and Greg will be co-facilitating will be held on the 3rd Friday of the month and begins meeting on 4/19/24 at 12:30pm EST. The group is for individuals (not couples) who are currently in a Neurodiverse Love Relationship. The cost is ONLY $25 per session. To register ⁠click here.⁠ During this episode, Mona Kay and Greg Fuqua talk about the disconnection and misunderstanding that neurodiverse couples may be experiencing around sex and physical intimacy. They also share ways in which understanding and connection can be improved. Other topics discussed include: Sex as a special interest. The importance of understanding how you prefer to show love and how you want love to be shown to you.  Finding healthy sources for information about sex. Attending to other people’s needs to be accepted.  Struggling with connections with your body. Being objectified.  Being able to separate the emotion from sex. Social anxiety about what’s expected. Getting information from porn. Having a curiosity lens. Being hyper-sexual can be a form of self regulation.  Alcohol can be used to help reduce intimacy issues. Sexual routines may be used to help pleasure your partner and sometimes this may feel robotic. It is easier to navigate sex when you have structures and know what works. Understanding sexual diversity.  You learn by reflecting on experience…debrief with your partner. Passive vs active touch. Feeling rejected. Breaching physical boundaries when not ready or prepared. Being ready when our partner wants to connect.  Sensory issues that we may not understand. Asking before engaging in physical touch. Cuddling may be overwhelming or overstimulating.  Practice platonic cuddling and touching.  Eye contact during intimacy can be overwhelming.  Alexythymia may impact what you feel, want and need. Shame can create an emotionally unsafe situation. The importance of understanding each other’s sensory sensitivities and limits. Sensory overwhelm and having to meet the needs of your partner may reduce sexual intimacy. Engaging in masturbation and watching porn, but not being sexual with your partner. Scheduling sex may help the ND partner to prepare.  Prevents initiation and rejection issues which could lead to rejection sensitivity. Address disparity of needs and interests. Remembering when intimacy was working well. Bridges of understanding and taking turns. Not understanding social cues and sexual abuse. Relational trauma. Understanding and addressing shame.  You can contact Greg Fuqua at : Gfuqua70@gmail.com or check out his website at: www.gregfuqua.com

Mona's next Neurodiverse Couples Support Group begins in April. The group meets for 4 weeks from 7:30-9pm EST on 4/11, 4/18, 4/25 & 5/2. The investment is ONLY $199 per couple and there are only a few spots left. If you want to better understand the differences you and your partner may be experiencing in communication, emotional reciprocity, socializing, executive function, sensory sensitivities and physical intimacy click here to register or go to www.neurodiverselove.com _________________________________________________ On this episode, Dr. Jill Corvelli talks about the 4th component of her ND Compass Method. The first 3 components are: Education; Niche Construction; and Differentiation. The 4th and final component is: Autonomic Rese,t which includes work with Ketamine and Psyilocybin.  Other topics discussed include: When there is chronic relationship trauma the dendrite stalks get worn away. Memory consolidation makes ongoing present moment roadblocks EMDR can help with healing in 1-6 sessions Need to find a way of resetting our nervous system or we are constantly in a flight, fight, freeze, or fawn response state Research shows that the "default mode network" (DMN) is different in ND folks Lower level of neurotransmitters in ADHD brain. Stress and cortisol can make neurons and dendrites atrophy and they can’t communicate Release of BDNF regenerates what trauma has withered away! Not everyone is eligible for Ketamine.  You need an assessment and it needs to be done with a licensed therapist. Jill is starting 2 new groups for innate healing and neuroplastic reset for those eligible to safely and clinically participate. Jill's co-leader, Mary Beathea is a nurse Group 1-Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy group for women in complex relationships. May 7-9 onsite in Oregon.  This is not a processing group it is an intervention group.  Three prep sessions by Zoom and then 2 dosing sessions in Oregon.  Then 3 integration sessions where you make sense of the experience with a group. Group 2-Psilocybin group for complex couples. Meets September 26-28 in Oregon. Ketamine provides an amazing assist with rapid therapeutic change, neuroplastic window, more cognitive flexibility to do work in, insight and clarity to reframe important life issues, lay down defenses, overcome obstacles, navigate obstacles that caused stress, and recover self, increase window of tolerance, get unstuck, work assist, recovery of self. https://www.ndpartnerscompass.com/courses/women-complex-partnerships-ketamine-retreat  b) Psilocybin-Same neuroplastic reset- dendrites fertilized regrowth, liquid compassion Psilocybin- sacred perspective, part self and part wisdom, other places of sacredness. Decisions, obstacles, innate healing activated https://www.ndpartnerscompass.com/courses/complex-couples-psilocybin-assisted-group-therapy   In addition, Jill is providing adjunct support in collaboration with a couple or individual’s regular therapist. For adjunct services there is no wait list. Jill provides up to 6 sessions of Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy and EMDR in NJ, OR, WA (can travel in) and Jill's ND Compass Method is available everywhere. You can contact Jill at: jill@jillcorvelli.com and ndpartnersinstitute.com   PLEASE NOTE: Psilocybin is legal at the state level in Oregon for regulated use in certified service centers with certified facilitators. It remains federally illegal-(much like cannabis). It has been identified as a break through drug at the federal level fueling research and strong potential change in its scheduling and legal status. Many states are also looking to follow Oregon in providing accessibility for its demonstrated ability to quickly resolve treatment resistant depression, anxiety, and addiction. Ketamine is federally and state legal with FDA approval for anesthetic use and not FDA approved but commonly and legally prescribed for off label use for treatment of depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders, and other issues.