Redemptive Living Radio

Picking up where we left off in the last episode, we discuss what it looks like to really work at developing the “muscle” within all of us that alerts us to someone crossing into our hula hoops.  Practicing an awareness for when someone crosses those lines (aka limits, or our hula hoop) and what it feels like when that line is crossed is a great place to start. We also talk about naming what we are afraid of when setting boundaries as well as working on identifying what we need when our limits are crossed. Jason and I finally land the plane as we talk more about the sobering reality that setting boundaries won’t fix or change others (this can be hard to swallow); nor should boundaries be used to punish.  Instead, boundaries help protect us and provide clarity and ultimately help us take back our power. Thanks for joining us, we are grateful that YOU are here. MasterClasses for men can be found here. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Welcome to Season #3 of Redemptive Living Radio! We are looking forward to sharing more about recovery post-betrayal with you over the next 12 or so weeks! In this episode, we are continuing the conversation on boundaries.   To recap, in the last episode we talked about how the word “boundary” is used in two different ways.  First, it’s how we define our “limits” in life. Recognizing when someone crosses that limit is an important skill to develop.  The second type of boundary is active in nature and we use it when we are intentionally protecting ourselves from someone we don’t feel safe with. Jason and I then talk about the different categories of boundaries. These include: internal or personal boundaries, relational boundaries, and recovery-related boundaries. Internal boundaries are the limits or the commitments you make to yourself to stay safe and protected. Relational boundaries are the boundaries we have in relationships with others. And recovery-related boundaries are those boundaries necessary in the recovery process.  Keep in mind that recovery-related boundaries look and feel different, one of the reasons they can be so challenging to implement. And finally, just a friendly reminder:  you have permission to set boundaries that protect you and keep you safe.   MasterClasses can be found here. Changes That Heal is an excellent book to read if you are wanting to understand boundaries better. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In recovery, we talk about boundaries in two different ways - first, it’s how we define our “limits” in life. Sometimes people cross into our space and sometimes we cross into others' space. Recognizing when someone crosses that line (or limit) is important to be aware of. When you hear someone say - “he crossed a boundary with me”, this is what they are referring to. The second way we conceptualize boundaries is when we have to intentionally protect ourselves from someone that we don’t feel safe with. Another way to describe this is reinforcing the boundary. Again, the motivation here is to get safe. An example would be separating from him and not having emotionally charged conversations until there is a third party present. The distinction between these two types of boundaries is important to be aware of. Jason and I talk a bit about this and then pivot and talk about how boundaries are rooted in needs (and protection / safety). So in order for us to figure out what our boundaries are (referring to the latter kind of boundary, the ones where we potentially need to reinforce our boundaries in order to get safe), it’s important for us to first identify what we need. Ultimately, when it comes to identifying what we need and setting boundaries - what we as women are looking to see is - will he protect my heart at all costs? Thank you for joining us for this last podcast of Season #2, we are looking forward to a 3rd Season closer to August of 2021. MasterClasses can be found here. Boundaries Course for women - coming soon - click here for the details. Changes That Heal is an excellent book to read if you are wanting to understand boundaries better. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about the purpose of sexual abstinence or sexual fasting in the recovery process.  Yes, it is important for rewiring the brain (for him) but it’s also important for learning authentic intimacy.  We unpack the concept (new to me!) that sexual intimacy is tangled up with all the other forms of intimacy which is part of the reason some men don’t have solid relationships with other guys. {(Blew my mind!}  We go into the how, the why, and the what.  We also discuss how it can be helpful for her if she isn’t feeling safe in the relationship.  We end with some of the deeper issues that can bubble up while a couple is going through a sexual fast.  We are so glad you are here for this tough topic!   MasterClasses can be found here. Shelley refers to a section in the Rescued workbook on sexual abstinence - see pages 120-121; for the building blocks of intimacy, see page 118. Our friend and colleague, Invia Betjoseph says - “sexual abstinence is like control - alt - delete on the brain" Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

When it comes to lust, we are missing the point if we are only focusing on eyes and mind.  Lust is a heart and soul matter.  Men have to decide - do I want to live with integrity and honor my wife?   Who is God calling me to be?  Do I want to be that kind of man or not?  These questions, these heart changes are where it starts.  Sure, there is behavior modification (not looking, 1:1 rule) but that in and of itself is not enough.  It must be connected to a deeper purpose.  Jason gives 5-6 practical steps men can take to make the shift in changing how they see. Article Shelley referred to from a study conducted at Princeton University on seeing women as objects. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

Regular check-ins are a foundational tool for many couples in recovery. It was for us! in this episode we talk about how to view the check-ins (hint: its not a box to check!), how to approach them and why consistency matters. We give a framework for the FITNAP check in that we use with folks and talk about how we transitioned to that from the FANIT found on page 153 in the Rescued Workbook.  MasterClasses that we offer - www.redemptiveliving.com/masterclass Here is a link to an older video Jason did on Acting In. A tich outdated, but it gives the gist -  Understanding Acting In Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode we talk about the difference between integrity issues and addiction. For some wives the label of “addict” can bring relief, because the issue is a quantifiable and there is a plan for help. For others, the label is a death sentence that brings hopelessness. We wanted to give folks an understanding of key characteristics of addiction and talk about why there is resistance for many men to see themselves as addicts. While this is all important, we also want to look through a different lens that takes away the labels and categories, and attempts to get to the heart of the matter - surrender. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

We also wanted to shine the light on all the work that he is {hopefully} doing early on in recovery.  Jason goes into some of the internal work he is doing that she might not see - fighting for his integrity, fighting resignation, fighting to not adopt failure as an identity - just to name a few.  We also talk about the work she will start to see - which is a byproduct of the internal work he is doing.  Jason throws out the word characterological - which I question the validity of.  I know better than to do this people.  In Jason’s other life, he loves Jeopardy, cross word puzzles and all things word-related.   Dusting off some blog post archives - a series on empathy and humility - here is part one, part two and part three. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

So apparently men in Jason’s office say that they are doing a lot of the early work of recovery (not her). Not to start a fight or anything but… We dig more into this during this episode of the pod. Truly, when both the husband and wife are engaged in recovery - they are both working really hard. We thought it would be helpful to name what she is doing early on in recovery so that he can really see how much she is working on. Grief work, getting safe, detachment, waiting well. Fighting for hope, self-control, financial sacrifices. So much. A recent blog post on detachment. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.  

We dig into the trauma model versus the addiction model and of course take some rabbit trails and talk about things like vicarious trust, codependency, trauma and the Redemptive Living way of doing things.  We are so glad you are with us for season #2!   It was this episode where Jason mentions codependency and how much he hates that word. Click here to order Rescued. I continue this conversation on the blog - here is the first of the blog posts on this topic. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.