Better Sex

Domina Franco is a New York City based sex educator, coach, and writer. Franco completed her Masters in Human Sexuality at Widener University and helps clients of all genders and orientations clarify, explore and enhance their sex lives. She guest lectures at universities around the country and provides one-on-one coaching as well as trainings and workshops that cover pleasure exploration, empowerment, kink and alternative relationship models.   Defining Sexual Authenticity Domina defines sexual authenticity as approaching your sexuality in a way that’s true to your desires while honoring what you need, what you want, and your boundaries. She warns that it requires a lot of honesty with yourself and others, both of which can be difficult. Unpacking Hang-ups “People don’t give themselves enough credit for acting against social norms.” Domina says accepting ourselves and our sexual selves despite cultural resistance requires courage and involves the hard work of cultural unpacking. She admits that overcoming stigma and shame takes a lot of courage. Many people, Domina reminds us, were raised in conservative social or religious groups, and beliefs about sex, gender, and sexuality inherited from those groups can create lifelong hang-ups. Even people who don’t come from conservative backgrounds can have hang-ups, she admits, but regardless of your hang-ups or their origin, she insists that it’s imperative to get in touch with your genuine needs and align yourself with your authentic sexuality.   Not Accepting Your Sexuality Divorces You from Your Partners Even if it’s condemned by social norms, Domina believes it’s important to accept or, better, rejoice in our sexuality. If we can’t do that, she warns that sex will be unfulfilling. She further warns us that if our genuine sexuality is too different from what we act out in reality, we may be traumatized by the sex we force ourselves to endure.   She believes sex is about connection, but we pull away and compartmentalize our true emotions when we engage in sex acts that we don’t find fulfilling. When we aren’t present and attentive during sex, we aren’t just pulling away, we’re also growing more distant from our partners, which she says defeats the relationship-building purpose of sex. Sex is Something We Learn to Do Safely Domina warns that your first few times authentically expressing your sexuality may not grant you the full connectivity found in sex either, because it can be difficult to relax into activities that society condemns or stigmatizes, but embracing and acting upon your true sexual desires allows for the vulnerability and joy that create emotional connections between people. In short, she assures us that the connection and enjoyment will improve with time and practice.   Human Sexuality is Relative We hear what Domina things about this when she asserts that everything is relative, “Somebody’s flogging and needle play is somebody else’s doggy style.” But despite these differences, she makes it clear that ‘vanilla shaming’ people is not okay while reinforcing the fact that there’s no hierarchy of sexual desires, and it doesn’t make sense to compare human sexuality in that way. Knowing that everyone—including you—deserves to be sexually fulfilled is what’s most important.   Embracing Truth Can Change Your Relationship You need to roll the dice and share your sexual truth if you want to be fulfilled. The alternative is being perpetually unsatisfied, according to Domina. She acknowledges that this can be scary but reminds that courage is acting while feeling fear. Domina always hopes that people find the mustard seed of courage they need to pursue their true desires. Talking about Sexual Goals with Your Partner Once you know your authentic self, she says, you can speak your truth. She tells us we can start speaking our truth in a place as safe and impersonal as an online community, but she believes that sharing your truth with someone who’s important to you in person is more helpful.   Many of her clients don’t feel comfortable talking about their fantasies face-to-face, even with their partners. Sometimes her clients write letters or emails to their partners to get around this limitation but face-to-face discussions, Domina explains, should take place in a neutral, nonjudgmental, accepting environment. She says both parties should be sober, fully clothed, and in a receptive mood. The conversation should provide a safe space for both of you to air your desires, and both parties must aim to accept what the other says, even if they can’t meet all the needs voiced. Sometimes Partners Can’t Meet Our Needs Heartwarming stories of acceptance are great, but Domina admits that not everyone is accepted when they decide to be authentic. She reminds us that some partners do not want to participate in our kinks. Just like not everyone shares the same taste in food, not all partners are going to be okay with everything we want to try sexually. Being Single While Exploring Your Sexuality Domina wants to point out that doing this can be harder when you’re single because you’ll be having a lot of conversations with a lot of different people who will have a lot of different reactions. However, the only way to meet people who can fulfill your sexual needs is to keep sharing and being open about your sexuality. On a good note, she points out the experience gained by being open with new people will quickly raise your confidence, making it much easier to discuss sexual matters with potential partners. Resources for Domina Franco: http://www.dominafranco.com https://www.instagram.com/domina_franco for Q&As on Mondays https://www.twitter.com/Domina_Franco https://www.facebook.com/DominaFrancoCoach More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh is a global thought leader in psychosexual therapy, couple counseling, and social psychology. A former member of the International Federation of Journalists, Dr. Sara combined her journalism experience with her expertise in sexuality and relationships, to host a program called Whispers for the BBC World Service. The show received the BBC’s Innovation of the Year Award in 2007 and continues to gather Farsi-speaking viewers around the world. In 2007, she earned the World Association for Sexual Health runner-up award for Excellence and Innovation for her human development work. Harper’s Bazaar named her as one of the Best Love Doctors, and DatingAdvice.com named her one of the 10 Best Sex and Dating Experts in 2015.   She is the author of three books in English: Orgasm Answer Guide, Sexual Health Needs and Preferences of Young People, and Wheel of Context for Sexuality Education. Recently, she developed the Emergent Love model as an antidote to Love Confusion and the design of a validated inventory called the Relationship Panoramic Inventory to help couples assess and develop their relationships. Her personal and professional life is defined by her goal of creating world peace one relationship at a time. Types of Love Dr. Sara explains that there are several types of love. Eros is the passionate, romantic love we usually think about. Philia is the affectionate love we feel for family members. Storge is friendship love, Ludus is game-playing love, Mania is possessive love, Pragma is practical love, Philautia is self-love, and Agape is selfless love. She suggests listeners take the Love Attitudes Scale test to find out what types of love show up in their relationships. In her practice, she found that a lot of couples who scored highly in the Philia aspect of their relationship came to her with the statement, “I love my partner, but I’m not in love with my partner.” Dr. Sara believes that it’s useful to be aware of these different types of love, as it can clarify the fact that people truly do love their partners, even if their current love feels different than it did initially.   Dr. Sara’s contribution to the realm of love and sex is making the distinction between submergent and emergent love in relationships. Submergent love happens when two people need to spend a lot of time together and are over the moon when they’re with each other, she tells us, and emergent love is the developed, calmer love that comes after partners know each other better. What if You Don’t Feel Butterflies when They Walk in the Room? Dr. Sara explains that Helen Fisher researched this infatuated, honeymoon period of love and found out that it lasts, on average, two years. According to Dr. Sara, this early, submergent stage is something to build up the relationship from, not an experience meant to be sustained indefinitely. She also mentions that submergent love isn’t necessary to create a fulfilling romantic relationship, and people shouldn’t feel bad for not feeling that way about their partner. Many people she consults worry because they don’t feel butterflies or intense passion, and it makes them wonder if they’re supposed to feel their love in their heart and ‘just know’ if a person is right for them. Dr. Sara shares her distinction between submergent and emergent love helps people better understand these foundations of love “it is something you do, not something that happens to you that you have no control over.”   Five Ingredients of Emergent Love Dr. Sara spent time studying 312 relationships to discern what qualities were important to couples who were not only happy but thriving in their current relationships. The five ingredients that they shared are a shared vision, compassion/empathy, physical attraction, respect, and shared values. This research is where she says she learned that romantic, passionate, submergent love was not necessary, and that even couples who began with that kind of love moved beyond it and developed a different kind of love that John Gottman calls compassionate love. Individual Traits Conducive to Emergent Love In an attempt to generalize and solidify her findings, she created a study that surveyed 306 US individuals and 159 US couples who rated their relationships from satisfied to thriving. She reports that they had people of many orientations and relationship types, and they controlled for educational level, economic background, and some other variables. She found four levels of identifiers of satisfying relationships, the first of which was individual fundamentals. She teaches us about this first identifier by comparing love to dancing; we dance with partners, but before we can dance, we have to do things like stretching to avoid getting hurt and make it easier to dance. Individual fundamentals are the ‘stretching’ portion of finding love, which she describes as the ability to connect moral values, have positive thoughts and emotions, be present and mindful, have a healthy financial attitude, and be capable of abstract thinking. While some of her clients insisted that if these were the requirements, they could never develop those healthy traits well enough to sustain a healthy relationship, Dr. Sara considers these findings to be a source of hope, because each trait can be improved and developed with the help of a therapist. Non-negotiable Traits of Sustainable Relationships The next level of requirements she found are dyadic fundamentals, Dr. Sara calls them non-negotiable objects that must exist between the two partners. It’s important to note that these fundamentals can be improved. She lists mutual physical attraction, shared vision, shared moral values, and shared financial attitudes as the necessary elements asserting that financial attitude factor was something she investigated more deeply to discover if it was not having money or merely people’s attitudes towards money that had to be compatible, and the research showed that it was the attitudes that actually mattered. Interpersonal Dynamics Respect, compassion, love, commitment, and trust are the five aspects of the third dyadic fundamental which she calls interpersonal dynamics. According to Dr. Sara, these are all choices we make on a daily basis. She says we choose to be loving towards others, to be worthy of respect, to be trustworthy, etc., and these choices and actions produce the love, respect, and trust we desire from our partners. She notes that while these are all verbs, and they’re all things we can do, they’re also things that we don’t only do in our relationships, but in the world at large. In other words, they’re also states of being. She clarifies that this is also a hopeful reality because therapists can help people attain those traits as well. Relationship Outcomes Dr. Sara describes this aspect of emergent love as indicating good results on the individual level. The results she includes are overall satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, better self-care, better sleep, less anxiety, and less preoccupation with their partners and the relationship in general. When people find these traits growing during a relationship, she says people can be certain they’re on the right path.   Physical Attraction   Dr. Sara believes that physical attraction is largely socially constructed and thinks it’s important to deconstruct where our attraction comes from, who told us to be attracted to certain things, and how you’re approaching attraction. After you do this, she believes that we can be freed from these preconceptions and be attracted to more traits and types of people. She also emphasizes that it’s important to find yourself attractive so that you don’t project the feeling of being unattractive onto your partner. Once you deconstruct and move past your barriers to physical attraction, she says that once you have physical attraction, you also need sexual chemistry and the ability to move that towards sexual harmony, where you actually work well together physically. How Can People Integrate Dr. Sara’s Knowledge into Their Lives? Dr. Sara suggests starting with the survey she created called the Relationship Panoramic Questionnaire or the love attitudes scale and taking the results of the surveys to a therapist who will know how to interpret it and help them implement the necessary changes. She also recommends watching The Anatomy of Trust by Brené Brown with your partner, so that you can better understand and build trust in your relationship. Resources for Dr. Sarah Nasserzadeh: https://bettersexpodcast.com/dr-sara-nasserzadeh-new-perspective-passion https://www.sara-nasserzadeh.com https://www.bbc.com/persian/tv-and-radio-40532793 https://jhupbooks.press.jhu.edu/title/orgasm-answer-guide https://eprints.mdx.ac.uk/6278/1/Nasserzadeh-Understanding_the_sexual_health_information_needs…..pdf https://www.wheelofcontext.com https://relationship-panoramic.com https://fetzer.org/sites/default/files/images/stories/pdf/selfmeasures/Different_Types_of_Love_LOVE_ATTITUDES.pdf https://jamesclear.com/great-speeches/the-anatomy-of-trust-by-brene-brown https://twitter.com/dr_sara_ https://www.facebook.com/Dr.SaraNasserzadeh/ https://www.instagram.com/dr.saranasserzadeh/ More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Lauren is a qualified sexologist and permission-granter who helps her clients reduce stress and reinvigorate their sex lives. Through her writing, online classes, and one-on-one sessions, she helps high-achieving, introverted women release their physical and psychological blocks to liberate their libidos for sex and life. She is the author of Permission: Personal Liberation for Switched-on Women. Defining Libido Lauren takes her definition of libido from Alisa Vitti, the author of Woman Code, who defined libido as “the ability to give and receive pleasure, enjoyment, and acknowledgement.” Using this definition, she’s free to acknowledge nonsexual actions as integral stimulators of her libido. She shares examples of planting her feet in nature, brushing her children’s hair, and working towards and achieving goals as libidinous activities that help her drop into softness and feel powerful in a giving way. Her definition of libido is “a sort of energy that we gain familiarity with and exercise whenever we take part in sensual giving or receiving that becomes easier to channel the more we access it.”   She mentions that her broader definition of libido takes the focus away from exclusively desiring the really passionate, intense, sexual forms of libido, and encourages us to focus on smaller, softer, more day-to-day manifestations of libido. She tells us that focusing exclusively on our desire for intense desire, especially in circumstances that aren’t favorable to it, leads to a loop of dissatisfaction that can make us frustrated while focusing on tinier pleasures can help us escape that frustration loop and clears the way for us to experience the bigger, more passionate emotions. Women are Held Back by Doing Too Much Lauren argues that the need women feel to spread themselves thin doesn’t leave a lot of room for the erotic and sexual. While she admits women are good at juggling obligations and multitasking, she thinks a disservice is done when women mistakenly internalize “I can do anything” as “I can do everything” or, worse, “I should do everything.” Lauren advises women to sit down and make conscious choices about where their energy—their libido—is going. She encourages people to keep doing what they’re doing if it’s fruitful and fulfilling. However, she claims that if there’s a cost to the activity, it’s better to focus on things like personal relationships that you genuinely need to invest in. She says it’s also important not to fall so deeply into work or hobbies that you forget to keep dating.   How to Identify a Withered Libido In Lauren’s experience, withered libidos usually come to light when women’s partners turn to them and ask why their sex life diminished. For a lot of the women she sees, their loss of libido began with a valid cause, like grief or the loss of a pregnancy, but then refraining from sex became a habit until their partner brought it to their attention. Other times, she sees women who notice their own loss of libido when something in a movie or their friends’ lives brings their loss of vitality to their attention. Gentle wake up calls that remind them of the confident women they used to be do happen, but usually when people have a partner, their partner is the one who brings up the topic. “I don’t care if I never have sex again.” Many women who come to see Lauren do not care about sex anymore. She recalls that for many women who have lost their drive for sex, their drive for other activities and their basic sensuality has evaporated simultaneously. She says it’s rare for the sex drive to diminish all by itself, usually lots of other joyous, playful, and pleasantly purposeless activity is also absent. Fun is usually missing too, which she claims is important, because all of those nonsexual indicators of a lack of libido also need to be worked on to reignite women’s sexual libidos. She asserts that it’s never just about sex. Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energy In the workplace, Lauren explains, a lot of women learn to act more masculine as a result of working hard and disconnecting from their emotions. Many women wind up with what she calls a very ‘masculine’ energy that is opposed to the physical and metaphorical opening of oneself that’s necessary during sex. She says that even our personal goals like gym routines and strict regimens in our hobbies can encourage the same masculine energy, and women need to balance that with the soft, supple, flowing and accepting nature of femininity. She emphasizes that women don’t have to just be feminine. Masculine energy is great, she explains, but a balance is necessary. How to Nurture Your Libido Every human, Lauren asserts, even people who are petrified of change, wants to know that they’re growing and changing in some way. People want to look back and see progress, not a stagnant, repetitive blur or a confirmation that they were too scared to try for something new. She’s certain people want more than that. Lauren learned from Emily Nagoski that when we move our bodies, we’re letting our bodies know that they’re safe. She explains that we often try to tell ourselves we’re safe or sexual or erotic mentally first, and that’s part of the puzzle, but our bodies won’t respond that way until we act. She doesn’t suggest people jump right into sex, but dance lets you engage in a lot of different movements, including sensual, almost sexual hip movements. She says that can connect you to your sensual, erotic side without throwing yourself into a situation as vulnerable as actually having sex. She reminds us that we usually wait for a feeling and then act on that, but she says that what we need to do is move our bodies first, and then the feelings will come. Another method she suggests to help your libido flourish is paying attention to the small things in life, and focusing on everyday experiences. She admits that most of the time, most of us are running on autopilot, but says that being mindful of our surroundings, our everyday experiences, and even little details like how we breathe can show us the many, little enjoyable things we were missing. She emphasizes that it doesn’t take big things like luxury purchases and foreign vacations to have a great experience; she reminds us that we can and should accomplish that on a daily basis. The ultimate goal is to get better at caring for ourselves, which she claims we can accomplish by trying new things and continuing to do the ones we enjoy. This lets us enter a flow state, which she describes as the state where you’re losing track of time, completely absorbed in what you’re doing, with your nervous system balanced and happy; this is a state normally attained in good sex, but Lauren suggests that it’s just as important to pursue and enjoy that feeling during daylight hours. Objections to Overcome While women often insist they do not have time, Lauren discovered that women were afraid of failing at seeking pleasure, or that they were going to fail when doing things without a predictable outcome. Some of her clients even worried what will happen if it did work! She reminds us that when we were children, we had a natural curiosity about the ‘what if’s in life, while as an adult they hold us back. Also, as children, she knows that we played for the act of playing, instead of to reach an outcome. We learn that as adults we expect to feel satisfied when we finish projects, but she points out that we never really reach that state of happiness.   When time really is the obstacle, Lauren wants people to know that in most situations, time can be made. Making time might involve learning to say no and refusing to take care of everyone except yourself. “We are entitled to take care of ourselves, our needs are important, and we are allowed to relax and make ourselves happy.” The Role of Permission Ms. White tells us that permission is wound through everything she’s saying here and in her book, because it’s important for everyone to give themselves permission to show up in life and sex in a way that works for them, without worrying about what other people are doing or expect. She emphasizes that it’s about figuring out what to subtract from and add to our lives. She explains that it’s about acknowledging who you are and what you like to enjoy in your life inside and outside of the bedroom.   How to Find Out More Her book, Permission, is available worldwide at every online book merchant. Lauren is based in Brisbane, Australia, but she works with people online. She can be contacted on social media using the handle LaurenWhiteAU. Resources for Lauren White https://www.laurenwhite.com.au https://www.instagram.com/laurenwhiteau https://www.facebook.com/laurenwhiteau https://www.amazon.com/Permission-Personal-liberation-switched-women-ebook/dp/B07H512SBS More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Jeff Abraham is a man dedicated to doing the right thing. After winning a court case against Hyundai who asked him to actively discriminate against female and African American candidates in 1999, he moved to Promescent as CEO, a company founded by his late friend, Dr. Ronald Gilbert.  Jeff has continued his legacy by fulfilling his companies dreams in his honor.  In addition to this Jeff has spent the last decade advocating sexual health and wellness by educating the public on the importance of intimacy and how to resolve common sexual dysfunctions. Premature Ejaculation Can Cause Erectile Dysfunction Jeff learned that 10% to 15% of erectile dysfunction cases are misdiagnosed cases of premature ejaculation. He clarifies that premature ejaculation is diagnosed when a man suffers from a complete inability to have sex, masturbate, or engage in oral or anal sex for more than 90 seconds without ejaculating. He explains that having clinical PE often causes erectile dysfunction, as when men are aware that PE is going to be the result of sexual play, anxiety can prevent an erection from forming. He says clinicians often diagnose this as ED, but as treating the PE would also cure the ED, a PE diagnosis and treatment is more correct. Healthy Male and Female Climaxes, “The Orgasm Gap.” According to Jeff, a healthy male climaxes after an average of five minutes of sexual stimulation. Meanwhile, he reports that women who are capable of orgasms from penetration take an average of 18 minutes of thrusting to reach orgasm. This gap in climaxes is called the “arousal gap” or “orgasm gap” among sex therapists and neurologists. He points out that even healthy males have good reason to want to last longer, even if they don’t meet the diagnostic criteria for PE. He hopes that treatment for longer-lasting sex becomes more respected and acknowledged by the medical community. Causes of Premature Ejaculation Jeff reminds us that premature ejaculation has been needlessly stigmatized. People claim that men ejaculate early due to not caring enough about their partners or not having the mental fortitude to wait longer to orgasm. Jeff admits that some cases of premature ejaculation are psychological in nature, but he lists hypersensitive penile nerves, prostatitis, and low testosterone as some of the physical causes of the condition. Due to the number of physical causes of PE, he hopes that we can reject the notion that men with PE don’t care about their partners or that they’re mentally weak. PE is a problem with physical roots and as real and treatable as diabetes or cancer. He advocates a combination of behavioral therapy and products like Promescent or SSRIs to help men build confidence and overcome their physical and psychological difficulties. Consequences of Premature Ejaculation Jeff points out that PE destroys men’s confidence and limits their ability to satisfy their partners. This lack of confidence, he suggests, isn’t confined to the bedroom, but extends to all aspects of life. He calls it the layering effect, which he describes as a sort of chain reaction. In the layering effect he describes, PE can lead to lowered sexual confidence, which leads to being less amorous, which leads to the PE sufferer’s partner feeling unattractive due to the lack of sexual attention, and finally leads to a disconnect between the members of the couple. He says he’s seen this happen over and over again, all without people realizing that the root of their problems is a single, treatable issue. Jeff advises men not to avoid sex due to PE, pointing out that this leads to men having less control over his own ejaculation, and creates a less pleasant sexual experience than the couple had before.   How to Approach Your Partner About PE When approached by women on how to tackle PE with their partners, Jeff suggests setting up a special date night with any sexual accessories you and your partner find enjoyable. He goes on to suggest offering Promescent to your partner as one way to enhance the evening, noting this works better than discussing the problem directly. Jeff shares that this method allows the use of Promescent to be physically and figuratively within your partner’s control, a circumstance that he asserts is important for men. When couples use his method, he claims it’s often the case that men will try the product, see that it works and improves the experience, and will usually decide to use it more often to enjoy their sex lives consistently.   How Promescent Works Unlike its competitor products, which numb the area, this new treatment uses a specific formulation of lidocaine, to create a eutectic formula that can penetrate the outer layer of the skin and be deposited in the fatty tissue underneath the skin, where it can help to better control ejaculation. While the product may have a medicinal aftertaste, he says they’re working on neutral, coconut, and citrus flavors to remedy that problem right now. Who Should Use Promescent Jeff emphasizes that the product is for couples, not just men. Sex, he implies, affords a level of intimacy that’s important in relationships, and Promescent is just one product that can help that emotional and physical intimacy last longer. He observes that sex is a huge part of life and reiterates that if you’re not confident and don’t feel good about it, you need to do something or see someone. “Just like we have personal trainers for fitness and coaches for businessmen”, he remarks, “sex therapists are an important part of human health and wellness.” Jeff talks about how men feel the need to hold off climaxing, and he discusses the fact that their desire to last longer provokes a lot of anxiety. He doesn’t believe that intimacy should be about anxiety, it should be an enjoyable experience, and making it easier for men to last longer facilitates that for both parties.   How Credible Are Promescent’s Claims? Jeff is proud to share that Promescent is the most recommended treatment by Urologists today. He’s equally proud of the fact that Promescent was found to have statistically significant results in an Institutional Review Board certified study. These elements differentiate their product from the competition by building credibility that can be relayed through physicians or by patients self-diagnosing PE online. Where Can I Get The Product? www.promescent.com eBay.com amazon.com Target (in-store) walmart.com Some independent pharmacies, urologists, and therapists also carry it.   Claim your free code for a 15% discount: bettersex15 Resources for Jeff Abraham: https://www.promescent.com/ https://www.promescent.com/expert-reviews-perspectives Discount code: bettersex15 More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Benjamin Domb, M.D. is the Founder, Medical Director, and Orthopedic Surgeon at American Hip Institute & Orthopedic Specialists. His group pioneers advanced, comprehensive, and non-invasive treatments in a mission to cure hip pain. AHI uses Hip Arthroscopy, Robotics, Resurfacing, and Regenerative Medicine to treat hip pain in their Chicago office. Now Benjamin is reaching out to discuss the ways that hip pain can create and contribute to pain during sex. Painful Intercourse Can Be Caused By Hip Problems Benjamin notes that when women feel pain during intercourse, their first impulse is to head to the gynecologist. He admits this is sensible, because there are a lot of ways that gynecological problems can lead to pain during intercourse. While a gynecologist is the first step, Dr. Domb hopes women will learn that hip injuries are another, nongynecological cause of pain during sex. He explains that the pain during sex happens when the hip is brought to its endpoint of motion, where the hip bone meets the hip joint, stating that pain occurs when bones grind against bones, or when impingement occurs. Dr. Domb emphasizes that hip pain felt during sex is nothing to be embarrassed about as many women feel pain during intercourse. He reminds us that it’s both common and treatable.   How Localized is Hip Pain? Dr. Domb shares that, unfortunately, the body isn’t very good at keeping hip pain localized, which contributes to the wrong diagnoses people tend to get before their hip pain is identified correctly. According to Benjamin, hip pain can be referred to several locations, including the groin, vulva, penis, or even the abdomen. Doctors Often Don’t Realize Hip Injuries are Causing Groin Pain Gynecologists often don’t consider the possibility of hip injuries causing groin pain, according to Dr. Domb. He tells us that isn’t a bad thing; each specialty in medicine is very focused, and rarely understands things outside of their particular discipline’s scope, but he encourages physicians to learn about causes of discomfort that interact with their discipline more often. Currently, 60% of people he treats for hip injuries were initially misdiagnosed and took an average of seven months to receive a correct diagnosis.   Men Can Also Feel Hip Pain in the Groin Benjamin clarifies that this isn’t exclusively a female problem. Men also present with pain in the penis or testicles when they really have hip problems. Often, he observes, men in those conditions see a urologist as their first step.    How are Incorrectly Diagnosed Patients Treated? Some patients he’s seen have gone through treatments or even have surgery for conditions like endometriosis or hernias they don’t have thanks to their referred pain. He conveys that one in five of his patients were recommended surgery for conditions they did not have due to their undiagnosed hip trouble. The patients themselves are often the ones who figure out their problem is rooted in the hips, he reports, as they’re best able to notice what movements and situations exacerbate the pain. How Labrums are Torn One of the more common hip injuries that cause painful intercourse are torn labrums (the cartilage rings around the hip socket). Dr. Domb has found that slight abnormalities in the shape of the hip bone or socket wear away or injure the cartilage and cause pain. Most of us have hips that fit imperfectly in the socket, making these injuries a common sight for Dr. Domb. Sometimes these injuries are caused by discrete events like sports, but usually he sees people whose joints are damaged slowly over time.   How to Prevent Hip Injuries Benjamin reminds us that not everyone is built the same way, and different people will be able to tolerate different degrees of hip extension. According to him, everyone should accommodate how they are built and not push hip extension past a reasonably comfortable point. Stretching for flexibility can be bad advice, even when range is only limited on one side. Dr Domb advises us to stay within our limits to prevent hip injuries. Treatments for Hip Injuries Dr. Domb tries to avoid surgery with his patients. Physical therapy and injections (including biologic injections) are where Dr. Domb begins treatment, though he will perform arthroscopic surgery when milder interventions don’t provide sufficient relief. He describes arthroscopic surgery as inserting a camera into a keyhole sized incision to relieve impingement, repair a torn labrum, and even improve his patients’ range of motion. He assures us this is a quick procedure that allows his patients to return home and live an active life that same day. He explains that even in the case of a torn labrum, physical therapy won’t heal the tear, but he hopes that strengthening hip muscles, learning to avoid painful positions, and stabilizing the area may allow people to live their lives with a torn labrum without pain.   How Common is Recurrence of the Problem After Surgery? Benjamin informs us that 95% of people who receive arthroscopic surgery don’t have a recurrence within the first two years. But, he adds, people who need surgery in one hip are more likely to need surgery in the other hip eventually. He always counsels his clients on this possibility in the hope of catching it early if the other hip develops problems. Resources and Links for Dr. Benjamin Domb http://www.americanhipinstitute.com: lists resources and screening centers all over the country to help prevent and treat hip injuries.  They also do remote consultations. https://www.benjamindombmd.com/ More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest is Melissa Fritchle. She has developed The Conscious Sexual Self Workbook, she is a mindfulness meditation teacher, a Holistic Sex Therapist, is an educator and workshop leader, and that’s just a few of her qualifications. Within this episode, she shares a lot of wisdom about communication between partners, mindfulness, and exploring sexuality. Really important work that Melissa is doing, and she has a lot of great things to say on the subject. Listen in! The “Conscious Sexual Self Workbook” Melissa said she wrote the workbook during a time that she realized the people she interacted with in her practice were self-identifying their sexual being solely through a lens of sexual behavior. For example, she would introduce questions and journaling exercises to participants who never really considered looking at their sexuality apart from a normative model of sexual behavior. So, Melissa likes to remind those who want to become more conscious of their sexuality should factor the complete picture of sexuality: this ranges from the events and discussions that you had as a child and teenager, to the less malleable reinforcements of adult sexuality. Within the workbook, there are plenty of exercises and prompts that help participants explore their sexuality and perhaps learn for the first time some of the true facets of sexuality that many assumed they learned in high school. As we explore within the episode, many adults feel like a window closed for learning about sexuality. Most are embarrassed to be in their 40s and ask questions about sexuality, so Melissa’s work offers a great platform for reopening those doors and discovering the sexual self. Does it Specifically Resonate with You? Melissa wants to remind you that there are a lot of great resources out there on sexuality but to remind yourself that there is also a lot of junk information as well. One of the most important considerations is that you take and apply the information that resonates with you personally.   Often what happens is a particular person hears that something is working for someone and then they feel it necessary to incorporate it, even if it has hardly anything to do with their unique sexual self. How to Talk About Your Wants and Desires One of the added benefits of exploring your conscious sexual self is that you can work through the shame and uncertainties of your sexuality and get much more comfortable communicating with your partner or other people in general. This can still be a difficult thing though that requires consistent practice. Melissa suggests just talking about things at first. There should be no pressure to act on something immediately. Broaching the subject on a particular area can be powerful in itself. But there should be no immediate pressure to act right away. Another thing Melissa talks about is having the “what turns you on?” conversation can be a really productive and powerful conversation to have with partners. This sort of conversation can act as a bridge for other conversations as well, just because of how easy it is to have.   Mindfulness and Sex Melissa says that instead of “performing” sex, being mindful and practicing mindfulness techniques can lead to better sex hands down. With it, you are much more present with your partner and conscious about the sexual act itself.   She says that a lot of her clients end up losing focus and diverting their attention elsewhere during sex, which makes for less engaging sex. Resources for Melissa:   Affiliate Link for Melissa’s book The Conscious Sexual Self Workbook: https://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Sexual-Self-Workbook/dp/150081086X Her website: https://mf-therapy.com/ More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest today is Lindsay Tucker. She is the founder of artfulsleep.com and is on a mission for better sleep for all. When managing a snoring partner, she has a fresh perspective on the challenges that can arise. To her, instead of getting rid of the disruptions, she teaches the powerful concept of accepting the disruptions and becoming a better, stronger sleeper regardless. Within this episode, she shares anecdotes and expands upon the idea of becoming a more resilient sleeper. The Link Between Sleep and Sex Lindsay says that most people can see the link between sleep and sex because it can create a really special bond. It’s also an intimate setting – hello, it’s the bedroom after all – and any disruptions in sleep can have considerable carryover into a couple’s sex life. Lindsay actually shares a story about the first night she stayed the night with her husband. And right when he fell asleep, the whole house shook with his snores. She said it was so loud that she had to leave the bedroom and head to the couch. Upset and unsure if she would ever be able to cope with his seismic snores in the future, she didn’t know what to do. She says she doesn’t share the story to make her husband feel bad, of course, but only to accentuate the close connection between sound sleep and a harmonious relationship.   Snoring is not Insurmountable Lindsay says that you’re never going to change the person who snores, but you yourself can change and learn how to sleep better.   She says that you can work on getting rid of the disruptive blue light that messes with your circadian rhythms. This can lead to more peaceful sleep, even if your partner is a loud snorer. Additionally, instead of this subtractive approach, there’s also an additive method. Adding blackout curtains or a cool room to the equation can really help you embrace the snoring and become a better sleeper. Lindsay said she tried all of the “gimmicky” things like a noise-canceling app on her phone, earplugs, and more, but they didn’t work for her.   Health Costs for the Snorer, and the Importance of Sleep Lindsay says that in her experience and expertise with snoring, really the only time that there are health risks for the snorer is if they have sleep apnea. Sleep apnea prevents the sleeper from getting adequate oxygen throughout the night, which often means the person is waking up multiple times a night, gasping for air, even if they are not aware. They can then awake and feel groggy, even if the clock shows that they did in fact “sleep” deeply for 8 hours. A big reason why Lindsay is so keen on talking about this topic is not only her own experiences with a snoring partner but also her interest in the importance of sleep. She calls sleep the one “constant” for all of us. Sacrificing your quality of sleep is a recipe for disaster. And being sleep deprived not only saps your energy but also reduces your sexual drive. If you are sleep deprived, you are most likely not wanting to have sex. This is just the simple reality of only having a finite amount of energy. As experience dictates for my clients and in Lindsay’s estimation, if you are tired, the last thing you want to do is have sex. Add sleep deprivation to an already rampant snoring problem and things can get complicated. For much more on this subject and details on Lindsay’s program, check out the rest of the episode! Key Links for Lindsay:   Her website for her sleeping program: https://www.artfulsleep.com/ More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest, the sexuality educator, author, trainer, and psychotherapist Doug Braun Harvey is here to share his knowledge on an important distinction in the sexual health realm: Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB). Within this interview, there are discussions about classifications of sexual health, advice for psychotherapists on how to let patients present their own vision of sexual health, and an overall fruitful discussion on the nuances of the field. Spoken eloquently and drawing from his wide experience in the field, Doug Braun-Harvey makes this a must-listen.   A Specific Definition of Sexual Health Doug says that sexual health is the “balance between sexual health and sexual pleasure.” What he means by this is that you are not only being careful about your sexual activity but also equally focusing on pleasure. He also states that sexual health must factor in the sexual rights of all involved.   When talking about the generally agreed-upon definition of sexual health currently taught in schools, the definition has not changed for many years – where the didactic preoccupation has centered on wrapping “sexual health” in a limited, encompassing curriculum of just pregnancies, STDs, or STIs.    Classifying Sexual Disorders With classifications and conceptualizations of sexual dysfunction always being defined, assigned, and redefined, it’s difficult to find the point where an out-of-control sexual behavior becomes a disorder. Classifications are made that relate sexual compulsion to impulse control; this presents challenges from a psychiatric standpoint, and even more so because most of those definitions are not made definitively – so to speak – but are only established to get a dialogue going and the research flowing. In other words, there is a lot of gray area and malleability for sexual disorders that take professionals in the field to work out and categorize. It’s a fascinating and complex subject that Doug does a good job at explaining within this episode. Out of Control Sexual Behavior The core concept of this talk is Out of Control Sexual Behavior. Doug defines OCSB as “when a person’s urges, thoughts, or behaviors feel out of control to them.” He says this only applies to consensual sexual behavior. And the most important distinction he makes is that OCSB is recognized as a sexual health problem and not a disease or disorder. He says that someone who has OCSB is not aligned with six key principles of sexual health:   - Sexual health is consensual - Non-exploitive - Protected from STDs, STIs, and unwanted pregnancies - Honesty - Shared values - Pleasure and mutual pleasure He says that for those patients who fall out of the realm of consensual sexual behavior, into the non-consensual categorization, there is a whole different specialist they should be referred to. That training is much different and the methodology changes for patients who are not participating in consensual sex. Doug says that getting in touch with a specialist who is equipped to help the patient with non-consensual behaviors is important.   Allowing the Patient to Determine Their Own Sexual Health Vision Doug says that during his assessment process with patients, he doesn’t present a certain narrative to the patients. In other words, he doesn’t tell them they have a disorder or disease but lets them present their own vision of sexual health. A lot of his patients come to him because they align with particular writings or teachings that Doug has presented, so he lets them come to him and present their sexual health identity in that sense.   He has his patients fill out forms that delineate boundaries that they shouldn’t cross, some they are ambivalent about, and then a sexual health column that presents where they want to be from a sexual health standpoint. Resources for Doug:   His company and website: https://www.theharveyinstitute.com/ WHO sexual health information: https://www.who.int/topics/sexual_health/en/ Amnesty International Sexual Rights – https://www.amnestyusa.org/pdfs/SexualReproductiveRightsFactSheet.pdf More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest is the author of Reviving Your Sex Life After Childbirth, a pioneer for diagnosing and treating pelvic floor dysfunction, and also a practicing physical therapist who specializes in the pelvic floor, specifically. Overall, she is one of the leading authorities on the PF and has a wealth of knowledge to share in this episode.   She talks about treatment, what to expect during the “4th trimester”, and common ways of regaining sex drive after birth through pelvic floor physical intervention. Listen along! Postpartum Considerations Kathe says that what sparked her interest and important work with post-childbirth mothers was that no one was really helping mothers regain their sex drive. Additionally, she drew from her own experience as a mother to drive the work she would do with other mothers. More specifically, Kathe specializes in the all-important pelvic floor muscles.   She says that obstetricians often don’t address the pelvic floor muscles and the importance of strengthening them after childbirth.   The Most Common Impacts of Childbirth on the Pelvic Floor Kathe says that pain is the biggest reason why mothers come to her for physical therapy. She says that providing information and treatment for the pain not only alleviates the symptoms but provides a huge relief to mothers who might have uncertainties and stresses about regaining their sex drive.   Other common reasons are simply a lack of sexual desire and incontinence due to weakened pelvic floors. Laxity and looseness is another common byproduct of childbirth on the pelvic floor, which can certainly contribute to mothers feeling uncomfortable about sex, making them more likely to avoid it.   Kathe spends some time talking about the connecting fascia and tissue that comprise the pelvic floor and how childbirth can stretch out the tissue. It can take a lot of attention to strengthen the muscles back to form, so Kathe says it’s an important step to seek physical therapy. The Benefits of Kegels for Arousal and Lubrication Kathe says that a lot of mother struggle with getting adequately lubricated for sex after childbirth. This is a completely normal phenomenon, so she dispels the myth that only menopausal women struggle with it. Kegels and other physical interventions can really help with lubrication. Arousal is another closely related facet of sexuality that kegels can improve. During the “4th trimester” it’s hard for mothers to get aroused. Strengthening the pelvic floor can help immensely. For strengthening the first layer of muscles, she suggests the technique called the “wink and nod”. She says that if you squeeze and think about moving the clitoris, closing the vaginal lips, and winking the anus you can strengthen the first layer of muscles. For the deeper layer of muscles, you would seek to bring your anus to your pubic bone, so to speak. For much more on that, listen along! How to Release a Tight Pelvic Floor Kathe says that there are cases where the pelvic floor actually is too tight and could benefit from a regular release of tension. For those who perhaps are too tight, she has a wide variety of diaphragmatic breathing exercises that can help. She goes into much more detail on how to know if you can benefit from tightening or loosening exercises. Definitely, don’t miss that! Resources for Kathe:   Her website: https://kathewallace.com/ Her book: Reviving Your Sex Life After Childbirth Free Pelvic Floor Handout: https://kathewallace.com/resources/free-handout/ Questionnaire for Females About PFD: https://kathewallace.com/physical-therapy/patient-forms/ Find a PT Sites: https://ptl.womenshealthapta.org/#s=1 || https://pelvicrehab.com/ || https://pelvicguru.com/ More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest Lucie Fielding identifies as a nonbinary femme. She is a Resident in Counseling, where she practices under supervision as a counselor in Charlottesville, Virginia. In addition to her professional education and experience in Counseling, Lucie has a Ph.D. in Literature, which has been invaluable for analyzing the narratives and power dynamics at play within our society. Those same cultural scripts have very real socio-political circumstances for LGBTQ and nonbinary communities, especially. Within this episode, she talks about the importance of finding the Embodied Sexual Self, of Intimate Justice, and a wide range of concepts that can only improve the quality of understanding for all who want to improve their sexual knowledge. This interview was a treat, and I know you’ll enjoy it.   Changing the Patient-Caregiver Conversation Lucie says that things are not going to get better for nonbinary individuals if the dialogue between patient and primary caregiver does not come from a place of knowledge and nonbinary thinking. She says that there is a false dichotomy at play that doesn’t take into account the complex spectrum of trans–sexuality. Informing yourself and preparing for those conversations opens the door for progress and much broader conversations about sexuality and pleasure when it comes to hormone therapy sessions and the possible outcomes for each trans experience. She says it’s important to not foreclose conversations with “loss” or “function” based language. Instead, a much more open and optimistic outlook that factors in the wide range of potential experiences of trans–sexuality can truly become a great methodology for patient-caregiver conversations. Intimate Justice and Oppression Lucie states that a really key concept is one that was developed by Sara McClelland called “intimate justice.” This term defines sexual satisfaction through factors that vary from person to person and depends largely on the different strata of socio-political experience. In other words, a lot of the time, sexual satisfaction is output-heavy and hardly takes into account the existential burdens or oppressions that some people can experience in their day-to-day life. Because someone who is oppressed often has a narrower window for sexual satisfaction, intimate justice is key because it sets out to provide the full picture on sexual satisfaction, and not provide a binary framework that often pits “normal versus not normal” instead of more accurate designations. Lucie says much more within the episode. It’s really worth a listen! The Embodied Sexual Self Lucie defines the Embodied Sexual Self as coming into your own body: to experience the corporeal senses of your body and to come to your own understanding of your sexual being. This goes hand and hand with cultivating a passionate relationship with a partner or multiple partners where you experience the full embodiment of your sexual self. And there can be a wide range of relational energies that connect intimacy with passion from an interpersonal perspective.   Providing a Safe Space for Sometimes Scary Conversations Lucie says that her practice provides a safe space for initiating difficult conversations and explorations of the uncertainties of trans–sexuality. In this sense, she encourages her patients to take the plunge and explore areas of their psyche and sexual identity they might have not had the courage to explore on their own. Creating these opportunities for transsexual and nonbinary individuals is absolutely essential for the overall psychological health of the community. She says it’s often a leap of faith, but one that’s so worth it because the benefits outweigh the costs. Mystifying Sex Within the interview, Lucie introduces the concept of mystifying sex – which, to frequent listeners of this podcast or advocates of continued sexual education, might seem like a verbal typo. Lucie does demystify sex within every one of her sessions with clients, but she likes to remind people that mystifying sex is just as important. With mystification comes the denormalization of sex. All common narratives, all knowledge, gets challenged and called into question on a continual basis in order to prevent a rigid definition of sex. Instead, mystification replaces it with an always evolving definition, not quite set in stone or normalized. It also helps equalize power dynamics.   Lucie offers an amazing parting message, so listen in for that! For more on this and much more that was covered here in the notes, listen to the rest of this enlightening conversation with Lucie Fielding.   Resources for Lucie:   Her website: https://luciefielding.com/ More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass