Better Sex

The Motivation for Come As You Are My guest today is Emily Nagoski, the acclaimed author of the best selling book, Come as You Are. As Emily relates, the motivation to write her best-selling book has a very prominent beginning. It was the first day of the semester and Emily was beginning her usual Anatomy class. A student raised her hand and asked if Emily would walk the students through the evolutionary origin of the hymen. Never having contemplated the question, she knew the semester was going to be a challenging but rewarding one. And during the final exam, when asking a question worth 2 points, she asked students to state one thing they had learned. The answer was far from what she expected. She found herself grading the final exams with tears in her eyes. Listen in to learn what most of her students’ answers centered on. We All Have the Same Parts Consider the scrotum. Yes, never before has someone provided an opening sentence like that, but stop for a moment and consider it. The central tenet to Come as You Are is that we all have the same parts, they are just organized differently. If you look at the center of the scrotum, there is a demarcating line that runs down the center; during gestation, all it took was a simple hormone and genetic difference that prevented the scrotum from becoming a labia. They are both stretchy and anatomical similar, but they become formed differently during birth. Through this type of thinking, Emily crafted the book to alleviate the stresses and insecurities of sex. With stress-free sex, with more comfort inside one’s skin and the anatomy that we have developed, we can become comfortable in the fact that we are completely normal. For more on this, listen along. Variance Should Be Celebrated Getting to know your own sexual parts, as well as your partner’s. There is no one-size-fits-all type of sexual practice. Some women, a minority actually, can experience orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone; the majority cannot. And all because of slight anatomical differences that can’t be controlled. So, the number one message communicated is to celebrate the inevitable variance between everyone! SES & SIS This is another extremely interesting section of the interview: Emily talks about the internal sexual excitation system and the sexual inhibition system in our brain that is constantly working behind the scenes. These two work in tandem to balance out sexual excitation with an inhibiting effect that prevents us from being sexually excited all of the time. For more on this dual-control process and how understanding it can help trauma victims, listen along. I am not doing it justice here! The Ramifications of Stress on Sexual Health Stress can make one’s body shut down completely when it comes to healthy sexual functioning. As the brain is highly reactive and conditioned through many facets of existence, a stressful situation can kickstart the sexual inhibition system (SIS) which will more often than not win out over any excitation. But again, variance shows up in this respect as well. Everyone is wired differently. Some people have an increased sex drive once stressed, and others don’t. It’s all a matter of preconditioning. But what do couples do when they are mismatched on this regard. Emily tackles the question with gusto. Tune in to learn more. Scheduled Sex Just because you schedule sex with a partner, doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. But it is a very good idea if you don’t have a lot of sexual desire or have a partner who doesn’t, to schedule the opportunity for sex. Don’t have an expectation that it’s going to happen, just create the opportunity. Sometimes once in an environment that is conducive for sexual excitation, there can be adequate responsive desire. A no-stress desire! Emily discusses this further in the episode. Tips for Re-tuning One’s Sexual Response For the most part, all it takes is a simple change to retune your sexual response to become less stressful. A compromise, a locked door, a new bed that doesn’t squeak, sometimes all it takes is to change your environment to take as many worries off of your mind as possible. These are just simple fixes though. Sometimes sex can be very stressful, especially for trauma victims or those who have suffered from sexual shaming; but Emily has some information on that that she shares during the episode. Tips for Overcoming Harsh Self-Criticism Emily has three tips for the subject of overcoming body shame and insecurity. Two of them are tuned into your body’s needs and undress in front of a mirror and point something out about your body that you like. Do this every day and eventually, you will get more comfortable with what you have. Instead of hiding it, celebrate it. Again, celebrate the diversity of everybody out there. For the other tip and much more information, tune in. Concluding Thoughts For a teaser of her new book Burnout, some fascinating neuroscientific information on context and sexual excitation, as well as another project she is working on, tune into the final minutes of the show. And follow her through her various social media channels, so you can be updated whenever her new book hits the stores. Background Emily has been a sex educator since 1995, where she put her education to good use (psychology, cognitive science, and philosophy). Quickly, she realized that sex education, woman’s well-being, and violence prevention was far more fulfilling work for her personally. So, she made the switch from more neuro-centric work to that of the sex-education realm. And that switch has made all of the difference for the countless people who have benefited from Emily’s work in the field. She has a Ph.D. in Health Behavior with an emphasis in human sexuality, and the list of her qualifications could go on. And within just seconds of this interview, you will immediately understand just how smart and articulate Emily is. Listen in. Links For Emily Nagoski and Other References: Come As You Are - https://amzn.to/2C2o4gh Website – http://www.emilynagoski.com/ Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/enagoski/ Twitter – https://twitter.com/emilynagoski Jes Baker / Militant Baker Website – http://www.themilitantbaker.com More info: Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.com Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

How Dr. Beverly Whipple Started Studying Sex Dr. Whipple got her start while she was teaching nursing students. A sexual topic was broached that she didn’t have concrete answers for, and so she gave the inquisitive student a rain check. She then realized sex classes needed to be taught and that she wanted to be the one to do it. After being forbidden to teach the apparently taboo discipline, she took her services to institutions which allowed it. And that’s how she got her start. From there she went into particular research projects and she has been going strong for 40+ years. For more, from the charming woman herself, listen in. From Kegels to Female Ejaculation After Whipple had been researching for a short period, she came into contact with a body of research that had to do with a scientific analysis of female ejaculation. This analysis had grown from the collective efforts of several scientists. Eventually, it was discovered that varying degrees of muscle strength of the pelvic floor eventually led to differing abilities in producing ejaculate. This, in turn, led to a much more thorough understanding of the physiological instances of the female anatomy. And of course, the amount of research would only snowball from there. The Validation of Different Types of Orgasms Contrary to popular belief, women all have unique sexual experiences. You may have known this already, but a lot of people have skewed perceptions on the type, frequency, and stimulation required to experience an orgasm. Every woman is unique. And as Dr. Whipple began studying varying orgasms in a wide array of women, she looked not to categorize but to instead validate the different orgasms that were experienced by these women. Again, she stresses during the interview that it wasn’t about saying that X + Y = a clitoral orgasm or to put complete quantitative certainty on various types of orgasms. She documented them, but her overall goal was to promote and validate each unique women and their experiences. For more details on the studies and the metrics she used to validate the orgasms, check the interview out! Hot and Spicy Food Will Make Childbirth More Painful? This interview went to a lot of different places, all of them interesting! And yes, Whipple states that it appears capsaicin blocks the analgesic response the female body undergoes during childbirth. For more interesting tidbits, such as Aristotle’s take on female ejaculation, and information about the man that the G Spot was named after, tune in! Anatomy of the G Spot The ‘G Spot” sort of evolved into an erroneous catch-all term for every woman. As if sexual satisfaction derives from solely finding that magical spot. 30 degrees to the left, 44 degrees to the right, and you have arrived at your destination. But in reality, the “G Spot” is made up of many organs and sensitive tissues, as Whipple states. And besides, not every woman is going to have a similar G Spot in feeling and sensitivity. So, the G Spot has largely become an abstraction for a much more complex and varied anatomical facet in women. The Most Important Take-Home Messages To end the fascinating interview, Beverly wants to communicate to listeners the most important facts she has learned through her years in the field. Some of these are: Each woman is unique in sexual experience. The importance of emphasizing the process of experiencing an orgasm and not the end goal i.e. don’t be goal-driven in your sex life. And many, many more. Definitely give this one a listen! About Beverly Whipple A pioneer in her field, Beverly Whipple is as prolific as she is influential. She has co-authored seven books, one of them being, The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality, which is her most well-known book. And in fact, she played a large role in coining the term ‘G spot’ (short for Gräfenberg spot). Also, due to her impressive work ethic, Dr. Whipple has appeared on hundreds of radio interviews, has been a speaker at hundreds of events, and has published over a hundred articles and writings throughout her career. And even though she is now retired, she is as busy as ever; she still continues to pave the way for women and their right for sexual expression and pleasure. In addition, she writes about women’s health and physiological matters and has been doing so for the last 40+ years. Beverly also has a number of awards under her belt, including the Distinguished Scientific Achievement Award, the Public Service Award and the Kinsey Award from the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS). The list could go on. Her academic qualifications are equally impressive: She has a Ph.D. in Psychobiology, and two Masters: one in Counseling and the other in Nursing, All of this is just scratching the surface on our guest. Take note of what she has to say, you won’t regret it! Key Links for Dr. Beverly Whipple: Links for books: The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality Safe Encounters: How Women can say Yes to Pleasure and No to Unsafe Sex The Science of Orgasm (2006) External Resources Referenced During Show: Goal-Oriented Vs Pleasure-Oriented Sex - https://bettersexpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/circle-stair-graphic.pdf Touch and Pleasure Matrix - https://bettersexpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/touch-graphic.pdf ----- More info: Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.com Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

The True Meaning of ‘Cliteracy’ Starting with a discussion of his book, She Comes First, Ian Kerner’s coined word ‘cliteracy’ is given more thought and emphasis. Overall, the term encapsulates the aim of his bestselling book. He relays to listeners his previously one-sided mentalities towards sex, his struggles, and his overall motivations for becoming "cliterate" (clitoral literacy). By moving past an intercourse-dominated understanding of what sex had been, and shifting towards an outercourse understanding of what sex could be, his life changed for the better. For more on the backstory and motivations for She Comes First, and his whole shift in perspective, check the episode out. Less Performance Anxiety With Cunnilingus? Yes and no, Ian Kerner states. Certainly, if one shifts towards more foreplay, closeness, and outercourse over sticking to a strictly penetrative practice, the slow-burning build-up can be a much more relaxed experience for all who are involved. And according to Kerner, it is much rarer for a man to be anxious about performing oral sex on a partner over traditional vaginal intercourse (where maintaining an erection or premature ejaculation can often crop up). Instead, females are usually much more anxious to receive cunnilingus because of issues of genital self-esteem and other factors. For more on this, Ian Kerner really brings up some cogent points on the subject. Genital Self-Esteem This concept is a very important one to consider when the topic at hand is cliteracy. Especially for someone who has harsh, unrealistic, or unhealthy self-perceptions about the appearance or size of their genitals, and so on. And the number one way to remedy an anxious partner is to express how much you enjoy giving them pleasure--expressing one’s during the performative aspect of cunnilingus is key. This reinforces a system of positive feedback which in turn makes the act more enjoyable for all involved. Sex in Multiple Acts Ian likes to remind his clients that sex shouldn’t be done on just a penetrative basis. He likens those kinds of sexual practices as a play with only one act. So, instead of going straight for the climax without actually having built up properly for it, he encourages starting slow. Only when you introduce important elements can you move onto the next act. If you want really good, healthy sex, one should logically start with the first act: this could consist of seduction or playful touching. Act 2 is genital stimulation. And act 3 can logically progress from there with more foreplay. Or maybe an intermission between acts 3 and 4, and then the play resumes. Also, who says an orgasm has to be the end result? Some of the most satisfying sexual experiences (plays) don’t always end with a climax. For much more, check it out! Changes to She Comes First? Because Ian wrote She Comes First over a decade ago, some of focuses and implementations are perhaps a little lopsided for his taste now. Technique gets the majority of page space throughout the book, and he ponders aloud if perhaps he should have focused more on the communication aspects of sex over achieving a ‘flow’ state during the act itself. Both are important of course! But overall, Ian is proud of the book, as he should be. And for those who haven’t picked up a copy, you really should. You should also really check the episode out! Background Ian Kerner is the bestselling author of, She Comes First, and its companion piece, Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man. In addition to garnering acclaim with the aforementioned books, he has successfully launched and maintained a career as a licensed psychotherapist, a sexuality counselor with a focus in sex therapy and couples therapy; he is also considered a prominent authority on sexuality throughout the industry. Just a few of the notable programs and organizations that he is a part of include the following: He is a Clinical Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT); Also, Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists and currently sits on AASECT's Board of Directors. And for a more in-depth list of his affiliations and efforts, visit his website here: https://www.iankerner.com/ In addition, Ian is also a very accomplished public speaker and lecturer and has spoken at dozens of events on topics ranging from psychotherapy to sex tips and beyond. He has been a guest on the Dr. Oz Show, he writes for CNN Health, and is a frequent speaker at many academic institutions and symposiums. All in all, Ian is one of the most successful writers on sexuality of all time, and we have been extremely fortunate to have him on the show! Website: https://www.iankerner.com/ ----- More info: Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.com Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Overcoming Sexual Shame In her work, Sellers places considerable emphasis on reversing sexual shame in her clients’ and readers’ minds. Growing up in a sexually-open environment, with parents who were very transparent about sexual function, health, and education, Tina learned the importance of communication over the suppression of sexual fact. And by extension, she is a vocal opponent of abstinence-only techniques which are ineffective and detrimental to the overall sexual wellbeing of all who are involved. Tina also likes to probe the depths of religious history to offer broader perspectives on how sexuality and religion can function symbiotically instead of antagonistically. Without further ado, much more is expounded upon within the episode. It is an absolutely phenomenal experience, navigated by an equally phenomenal guest. Enjoy! Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: A Sexual Autobiography? Not exactly. Tina had an upbringing that runs counter to a typical conservative church experience. She grew up in a Swedish immigrant family where everyone was body and sex positive. In addition, sexuality was taught in a transparent manner. This meant that the typical drip-feed of sexual shame had been replaced with a far more positive apparatus for sexual wellbeing and curiosity. Tina goes on to say much more about her background and the importance of her upbringing throughout the episode! Transforming a Fragmented Narrative into a Sexual Legacy So, why would Tina write a book about the suppression of sexuality in religiously-centered families, when she herself had experienced a far-from-stifling upbringing? To completely answer this question requires a brief review of a moment in her life that determined the direction of her research. The pieces for her book began to fall into place during her time as a professor. And more specifically, when she organized assignments that directed her Human Sexuality students to make autobiographical accounts of their own sexual experiences. And it was during the countless drafts she read that she started to notice an influx of narratives that all became pointedly self-conscious and self-disparaging. What had originally been a fragmented narrative began to congeal into a fleshed-out profile of individual sexuality. But what could have caused this shift in perception? Tune in to find out more! The Limitations of Legalism and Abstinence-Only Sellers delves into some of the origins of the more Evangelically-driven modes of thought. Legalistic adherence to biblical laws, literalism, a harsh criticism of sexual expression, and the power and money at the root of all socio-political movements. In addition, she accentuates the fact that the abstinence-only strategies are mentally detrimental for children. Eventually, once a child matures and becomes sexually active, abstinence-only techniques prove to be much more harmful than establishing regular dialogues on sexuality. Most of this is socio-politically and religiously driven, like the Purity Movement. Seriously, this information is worth its weight in gold. You won’t want to miss it! The Phenomenology of Sexual Shame At one point in the episode, Tina shares a quote which provides an absolutely nuanced and fresh perspective on the idea of sexual shame. But at the same time, it is heartbreaking in its accuracy. This is a portion of what is said on the phenomenology of sexual shame: “A visceral feeling of humiliation and disgust towards one’s own body and identity as a sexual being. A belief of being abnormal, inferior, and unworthy.” And this has been reinforced by our socio-political climate. For more on the phenomenology of sexual shame, listen along. Comprehensive Sex-Ed: 100, 1-minute conversations Tina says that a comprehensive sexual education is imperative for shifting the legacy of sexual of shame. With enough discussions, just 100, one-minute conversations, the statistics show that individuals will almost always go on to live healthier sexual lives. They also feel much better about their bodies overall. This means that parents must start very soon with their kids, shouldn’t have ‘heart attacks’ when children show curiosity towards their bodies (or the differences in others’ bodies), and let things come about naturally without “childproofing the mind,” so to speak. The Model For Erasing Sexual Shame (MESS) Tina shares one of the most important facets of her book with listeners. Using a four-part strategy for reversing sexual shame, she teaches us that we need to frame, name, claim, and aim if we expect to get rid of our sexual shame. First, we must have the proper frame for sexual education. This means that instead of porn, which often reflects only a male-driven fantasy, individuals need to have a sexual education that is instead based in reality. The frame is the “scaffolding” for a healthy sexuality, as Sellers says--it could even be called a frame of reference. The second, name, is equally important: we must name, or tell our story. To learn what claim and aim mean in this formula, check out this enlightening talk. The Mind/Body Divide: A Perspective Shift Towards Sinful Sex In some of the closing moments of the interview, Tina gives listeners a history lesson dating back all the way to Aristotle and up to Constantine. She states that the severance of the mind from the body started with the original Greek thinkers (Socrates, Plato, Aristotle) and largely affected the overall ideological shape of Christianity. Using eastern religion as a foil for western thought, she shows how the mind and body are actually unified in Eastern-based religions and thus generally have a more positive impact on sexual wellbeing for its adherents. Christianity, on the other hand, teaches the supremacy of the mind over the body, leading to a sexual suppression that is hard to shake. This can lead to unhealthy levels of sexual shame in those who are taught that the body must be grappled with and suppressed. The Vow of Onah Sellers shows us that there are a lot of Hebrew sources that portray sexually-positive messages. The most powerful of these being the Vow of Onah, which reverses the typical gender roles of the time period, favoring women over men. One of the oaths of The Vow of Onah is that “Sex is considered a woman’s right, not a man’s.” For the full list and a detailed response, check the key links and information below and read the blog post that Tina wrote on the subject. It’s eye-opening. Background She is the celebrated author of Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy. In addition to her exemplary research and compositional work on that book, she has a Ph.D. in Clinical Sexology and has established a very impressive reputation as a marriage and family therapist, medical family therapist, and also, a certified sex therapist. She has been a professor for many years now, starting as a Latin and science teacher in La Jolla, California. Eventually, this would lead to her teaching a sexual education course in the same prep school. And this launched the specialized career she has been diligently working at for years. Key Links and Information Regarding Tina Sellers Tina’s Website: http://tinaschermersellers.com/ Link for Tina’s book - Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1138674982 ‘Vow of Onah’ Blog Post Written by Tina Sellers: http://tinaschermersellers.com/2011/02/12/the-vow-of-onah-and-other-jewish-attitudes-about-sex/ Northwest Institute on Intimacy: https://nwioi.com/ 4-D Network: https://4-dnetwork.com/ Thank God For Sex: http://www.thankgodforsex.org/ She Is Called: https://www.sheiscalled.com/ More info: Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.com Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

The Guide to Getting It On: A Self-Published Phenomenon If there was ever an excuse to self-publish a book, The Guide is a great example of how successful one can be using the practice. After Paul had taken nine years to finish the first draft of what would become The Guide To Getting It On, he wasn’t met with much success as he tried to get his work into circulation. Even a North Carolinian editor of a publishing house wagged his finger, saying that the subject matter would never fly; but ironically, years later, his book is being used as a central resource for sexual education for three college courses in North Carolina. Paul goes on to speak about the many iterations of the book--he even had to cut almost half of his draft to appease editors. He eventually self-published the book and the rest is history. And for the rest on the ever-changing forms and revisions, the book has undergone, tune into the episode. It is a great listen! Why'd You Write About Sex, Paul? Money! Paul is a self-professed cash hound. Only joking, of course. In all seriousness, Paul had a very noble reason for choosing to write about sex so prolifically and profoundly: he wanted to help those who have anxiety regarding sex. He is also fascinated by the topic and wanted to provide as much an education for the average person as possible, with calculated dollops of comedic relief and cleverness thrown in for good measure. Pick up a copy of his book if you want to experience it for yourself! Generation P (Porn) There are many reasons why Paul’s work is so important: one of the most pressing needs is to teach a younger generation so steeped in porn that the industry is meant for entertainment, and thus should not be taken to be real sex. Because of porn’s ubiquity, more people are getting a degree in porn over a real sexual education. Masturbation isn’t a bad thing. Porn isn’t a bad thing. But to substitute a real anatomical and physiological understanding for one that isn’t real is detrimental to a collective understanding of the sexual realm. To hear more thoughts on the topic, listen along. Inclusivity is Overrated Paul talks about how conforming to hyper-politically-correct aspects of society tends to lead to bad writing. He also talks about how he learned early on to stick to the principle of: “write what you know.” The point being that the homosexual community doesn’t want to be patronized. They are strong enough as a community. And because Paul writes predominantly about heterosexual sex, his work is best served not trying to be overly-inclusive in nature. To paraphrase a quote by Kurt Vonnegut: “write for just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, your writing will get pneumonia.” “Vulva? You Mean The Car?” During his career, Paul has struggled with knowing when to adopt new language for different editions of his book. Because nomenclature is always changing, and language as a whole is constantly evolving, the need to stay current is incredibly pressing. And that is one of the challenges of writing; he said that he learned the hard way to stop telling people what they should call certain parts of the body. For example, for years he referred to the vulva in his books, but he has since learned that not a lot of people are comfortable with the term. "Vagina" is a much friendlier term. For more on this, tune in! Is The Guide Safe For Teenagers? You Betcha! One question that Paul gets asked a lot is if he can write another sex guide solely for teenagers. They are often referred back to the original source. As if teenagers need more abstractions and euphemisms instead of a thorough education on sexual function and health. To learn more why an entire guide devoted to teenagers is unnecessary, stop by and listen for yourself! About Paul Joannides Paul Joannides had aspirations to write chemistry books before he turned to the complex world of sex. And thankfully for every fan, reader, and student of his magnum opus, The Guide To Getting It On, he has devoted the majority of his intellectual (and comedic) energy to providing a fresh, nuanced perspective on sexuality. Some call it the “bible of sex” and others have called it the best-assigned reading of the entirety of their college coursework. The superlatives are certainly justified. Joannides has provided readers 9 editions of the book, all with updated terms, topics, and research to guarantee the text being used in many classrooms nationwide are as up-to-date as possible. His research and writing skills have garnered acclaim from publications such as Playboy, Rolling Stone, and Oprah Magazine. And this isn’t even mentioning the awards he has won for his work, including the Professional Standard of Excellence Award, given to him by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. The list of his accolades could go on! In addition to his groundbreaking work on The Guide, he has a Psy.D. and is a Training and Supervising Psychoanalyst. For Videos, Contact Information, Recipes, and Other Resources Regarding Paul Joannides: Paul’s Website: https://www.guide2getting.com/videos/ Link for his book: The Guide To Getting It On - https://amzn.to/2Dc4jnO More info: Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Our Body Image: Is it Environmentally Reinforced? To start this episode, Jenny shares her fascination for the “etiology” (origin) of our body image. That is, when did we first become self-conscious about our bodies? Jenny states that she did over sixty interviews during the research stage of The Body Image Blueprint and the answer she found is fascinating. To learn of this central source, where most of our insecurities first become apparent, tune into the episode. The Positive Impacts of Jenny’s Work Jenny shares some of the facets of her clients’ lives that are completely enriched and rejuvenated: from improved self-esteem to VASTLY improved sexual function, all were centered on techniques that were gradually applied and eventually compounded to an increased quality of life. For more on just how positive the impacts of her work, you can read testimonials on her website, as well as listen along to the episode. Body Image and Sexuality Plain and simple, one’s body image is inextricably linked to one’s sexuality. And because of that, Jenny knows the symptoms of stress and insecurity, and how they can detract from an overall healthy sexuality. During the interview, she talks about the importance of expansion over restriction. So often, self-consciousness holds us back from being our most expressive self in the bedroom, and as a result, our sex suffers. As Jenny states, we are often far too mired in our stress-response to actually experience pleasure. The bedroom shouldn’t be a stress-inducing place; it should be stress-relieving. For more brilliant insights on the topic, Jenny goes even deeper during the interview. Lights Off During Sex? Not Anymore! Jenny relays the tragic fact that many are too ashamed of their bodies to have sex with the lights on. Be it the result of shame or an inability to be comfortable in their own skin, many are afraid. But Jenny has a technique which she uses with some of her clients. It involves a mirror and it has vast potential for getting people more comfortable with their naked bodies. Tune in to hear what it entails. Not Just Women, but Men as Well Another important fact that Jenny points out during the interview is that men are affected by negative body images as well. Be it specific measurements of a certain nature or socially-reinforced ideas of muscularity and masculinity, the guy can go through the same sort of insecurities about body image as the woman. Embracing Pleasure Through Sensuality and Mindfulness Jenny states that embracing pleasure is absolutely essential for any healthy dynamic in the bedroom. And the way to get there is through sensuality and mindfulness. Regarding sensuality, we need to focus on the sensations that arise in the moment. Once we become attuned to our bodies instead of looking to escape them, we can truly learn to embrace pleasure. There are certain mindfulness techniques that Jenny brings up during the episode that are very helpful in achieving this focus on sensuality. Check it out! The Three Precursors to Love The first two precursors to a love of one’s body are trust and respect. The first of these, trust, might be the most important of the precursors. Through it, we can learn to trust the sensations that we feel, without looking for an end goal. Because poor performance or an unsatisfactory ending can derail a positive sexual experience, learning to trust the present-moment sensations and experiences is of tantamount importance. Through mindfulness, sex becomes less about “finishing” and more about the sensual journey along the way. For the last precursor to self-love, listen to the interview! Mindful Eating Jenny also talks about how the same sort of principles used for mindfulness during sex can be used for eating. Looking to change her clients’ perceptions about eating as a whole, the activity becomes a much more profound experience when approached through mindfulness. To learn some of the benefits, as well as how to go about eating mindfully, listen to the episode. About Jenny Berk Jenny Berk has spent considerable time helping her clients love their bodies. She bestows upon clients the tools to foster a positive self-image, an acceptance of self, and increased levels of self-esteem. Her main objective is to reorient the thinking of the people she works closely with, helping them heal from a body-image perspective and tune into intrinsic wisdom to learn how to nourish ourselves naturally and joyfully. She has earned a Master of Science in Education and Psychological Services from the University of Pennsylvania. In addition, she has more than 14 years of experience as a professional health coach. Also, Jenny has authored the best-selling book, The Body Image Blueprint: Your Go-To Guide for Radical Self-Reverence. And lastly, she is the pioneer of The Beyond Weight Loss™ Method which has changed the lives of many people, herself included. She resides in Boston with her husband, 3 spirited daughters and 2 kittens. When she’s not coaching, she loves to travel, hike, cook and entertain and spend time with good friends and family and languish over a delicious meal and a deep talk. To Contact or Learn More About Jenny Berk Jenny’s email: suzanna@thedatemaven.com & her website: : www.jennyedencoaching.com Link for her book: The Body Blueprint Instagram - www.instagram.com/coachjennyeden Pinterest - www.pinterest.com/coachjennyeden FB group - https://www.facebook.com/groups/1738140356456267/ Linked In - https://www.linkedin.com/in/jennyedenberk/ Twitter - www.twitter.com/coachjennyeden FB business page - https://www.facebook.com/jennyedencoaching/ More info: Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Pornography - the good and the bad Listen to the discussion of the role of Erotica and Pornography in a relationship and the positive and negative impacts. Defining Pornography What is the definition of pornography? Listen as Steven succinctly describes pornography and erotica and the overlapping interpretations of arousing materials. Hear the use and role of sex in regularly available cultural artifacts like magazines and videos. Problems discussed in therapy What are the issues in relationships and for individuals? Hear Steven identify how males and females present their concerns at the onset of therapy discussions. Comparing and Contrasting Males and Females Tune in as Steven discusses arousal for males and females. Hear him identify the differences and further the discussion of identifying sexually arousing materials for men and women. Usefulness of Pornography Is there a positive effect of using pornography? Listen as Steven describes the initial visual interactions of males with sex and arousing material. Steven illustrates the point that pornography often fills the role of sexual education for young adolescent males in the absence of other guiding forces. Talking about Sexuality Steven emphasizes the importance of identifying false expectations based on pornographic materials and the significance for appropriate communication with adolescents. Accessible Pornography The significance of shame and the accessibility of pornography are ideas that drive some individuals to use porn. Join in to hear Steven describe how the easy accessibility of pornography helps people avoid interactions and an associated shame of sex. Identifying Problematic Situations “What is the negative impact in your life as a result of this?” We learn about the personal and professional scenarios where pornography has impacted his clients. Listen as he talks about the need for being specific to examine the impact of pornography on a person’s life. Me Time Hear Steven talk about how men describe the use of pornography as “me time”. He highlights this issue to springboard into the topic of the purpose of porn for his clients and then how this affects a partner’s perspective in the relationship. Improving Communication in a Relationship Steven emphasizes how starting the discussion about pornography in a relationship helps improve communication and can help open the conversation about sexual preferences and interests between partners. Changing Behavior How do you initiate the change for personal improvement? We learn about the beginning for any personal change. He identifies lifestyle changes that are necessary to move forward. “If you’re on a diet, do not go into the ice cream parlor to see what flavors they’re serving.” Listen as Steven describes how changes in circumstance are necessary for real changes to occur in one’s lifestyle and interactions with pornography. Cutting Back How about cutting back on pornography use? Steven discusses the ability or lack thereof to balance pornography use and cutting back. Focusing on the Individual Hear as Steven discusses how much the average male uses pornography and find out about one of the major reasons people seek his help. About Steven Davidson Dr. Steven Davidson is a clinical sexologist in private practice, licensed in Tennessee and Florida. He has a master’s degree in social work and a Ph.D. in clinical sexology. He is certified as a sex therapist by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. He has more than 30 years’ experience helping individuals and couples achieve more fulfilling sexual relationships and embrace their authentic sexual self. Links and How to contact Dr. Steven Davidson More information: http://www.nashvillepsychotherapy.com/ or e-mail at dr.steven.davidson@gmail.com and can be found on Facebook at https://facebook.com/TheSexualIntegrityCoach. For sex education videos Dr. Davidson recommends http://www.sexsmartfilms.com/ or the Sinclair Institute at http://www.bettersex.com/. More info: Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Evolutionary Psychology and Sex In this episode, Rebecca tells us about Evolutionary Psychology, examining our roles and interactions through a biological and historical lens. Listen in as she compares our human proclivities to our great ape relatives. Animal Roles – Not an Excuse Our rules and culture help us to maintain our civility, but males and females still have biological roles. Hear Rebecca talk about the basic ideas of a male’s desire to spread his seed and a female’s inclination to be choosy and selective. Evolution of Lust and Romance While nature and nurture are the major contributing factors to our biology and we share some main characteristics with great apes, there are still major differences between humans and other great apes. Enjoy the show as Rebecca presents a unique series of examples comparing and contrasting sexual differences between great apes and humans. What happened to Estrus? Listen to Rebecca talk about ideas relating to Desmond Morris, famed author of The Naked Ape. Hear some of the modern and historical adaptations that humans have developed as open signs of Estrus are not as readily visible as they are in our great ape relatives. Great Apes and Humans Rebecca presents a viewpoint on Modern Civilization and the inclination towards war and aggressive tendencies. We enjoy some interesting commentary discussing the variations of sexual proclivities in the great ape world and the fascinating habits of one particular species, the Bonobo. How do these perspectives help humans? Tune in to hear Rebecca offer a personal anecdote. We learn the importance of the nose in choosing a mate and how this can help us better understand our similarities to the great apes, and more importantly develop a better understanding between partners. “Understanding our evolutionary past helps us seem, yes, more animalistic, but more human.” Conflict in Power Listen as Rebecca helps to develop further, the understanding of the inequality of power between men and women and the unfortunate consequences. On the Romantic Side What is the importance of a kiss? How does a kiss play a part in romantic behaviors? Join in to hear about the importance of kissing and other romantic behaviors. Is there romance in suicide or jumping out of trees? Find out as Rebecca presents this issue and others within historical and cultural contexts. Listen as Rebecca clarifies the purpose of the texts of the Atharvaveda, the Knowledge Storehouse of Procedures for Everyday Life, and the Kamasutra. We enjoy some lighthearted banter as the discussion continues, comparing these ancient texts with a modern take on kissing tips from Bustle.com. The Importance of Size It’s not what you think, as Rebecca clarifies some of her own perspectives along with research that demonstrates women’s preferences for something bigger, but it’s not about the genitals. Tune in and find out. About Rebecca Coffey Rebecca Coffey is an award-winning science journalist and television documentarian. Over the course of her long career, she has contributed regularly to Scientific American and Discover magazines and to major market newspapers. She is a commentator for Vermont Public Radio and a columnist for PsychologyToday.com. Coffey is also a novelist and a humorist. Links and How to contact Rebecca Coffey Other Books by the Author: Anna Freud’s Story (She Writes Press, 2014). A novel. Nietzsche’s Angel Food Cake: And Other Recipes for the Intellectually Famished (Beck and Branch, 2013). Humor. Unspeakable Truths and Happy Endings: Human Cruelty and the New Trauma Therapy (Sidran Press, 1998). Nonfiction. More information: https://RebeccaCoffey.com and https://ScienceandLust.com. More info on the Better Sex Podcast: Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Becoming Cliterate Dr. Laurie shares the reason behind why she wrote her book, Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters--And How to Get It. As a professor to over 150 students a year, she shares the influence her undergrad students had on this book. Two factors that ultimately influenced her was the massive orgasm gap in men and women, and the loss of clitoral knowledge. Listen as she tackles the miseducation that society is subjected to and uncovers some shocking orgasm statistics you don’t want to miss. Becoming Cliterate seeks to eradicate the notion that intercourse is the ultimate pleasure for women and the way they should orgasm. Dr. Laurie mentions the book as a combination of cultural analysis and self-help as it brings gender equality into relationships. Reasons for the Pleasure Gap It’s not easy to admit that there is a huge gap between men and women’s take on pleasure. Dr. Laurie explains why penetration does not give the same level of satisfaction for both genders. Join in as she discusses the other possible reasons for this gap, including body image issues, cognitive issues and lack of training in sexual communication. We hear how the lack of clitoral knowledge plays a key role in the pleasure gap and how this stems from pornography and misinformation. Closing the Gap Dr. Laurie believes that there is a need for a sexual revolution in pleasure equality. Tune in to hear where this revolution starts. She emphasizes that just talking can close the gap. Tips for Women Who Have Never Had an Orgasm Dr. Laurie's advice if you are one of these women: Masturbate!! Join in to hear her 4 steps for your first orgasm. Get ready to know your body better after this! She reminds us that it is important to get the same kind of stimulation when with your partner too. While this may take some creativity, it is achievable for everyone. Apart from this, Dr. Laurie educates us in having good communication with our partners. How to use “I” statements in communicating your needs and/or wants, and how you can be at ease when talking to your partner about this. She highlights that this is your equal right to pleasure. Tips for Men and the Biggest Takeaway Clitoral education is not just for women to understand, it’s definitely one of the things men should also learn about. In this episode, Dr. Laurie also shares a variety of ways on how men can open the topic to their partners and help their partners talk about what they want in sex. Remember, sex is intended to be equally pleasurable. Background Laurie Mintz, PH.D. is an award-winning college professor. She currently teaches the Psychology of Human Sexuality to hundreds of students a year at the University of Florida and has had over 20 years of experience working with private clients on sexual issues. Dr. Mintz has received numerous professional awards and is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association. She has published over 50 research studies, writes the Psychology Today blog and has been quoted in many outlets, including Cosmopolitan, Woman’s Day, Prevention, Women’s Health, Men’s Health, CNN.com, Oprah.com and The Huffington Post. She authored the book, Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters--And How to Get It, with the goal to close the massive orgasm gap between men and women and debunk the misinformation today’s generation gets from media and pornography. Links and How to contact Dr. Laurie Website: http://www.drlauriemintz.com Get the book here: https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Cliterate-Orgasm-Equality-Matters/dp/0062484389 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drlauriemintz/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/drlauriemintz Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrLaurieMintz/ More info: Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Welcome to Better Sex. Today we are covering an important and pervasive topic. We're going to talk about female sexual pain, a woman's sexual pain. Way too many people struggle with painful conditions and most of them don't know what to do about it. Some people don't realize that sex should never hurt and other people, even though they realize sex should hurt, just have nowhere to go. The doctors aren't helpful, they're not finding providers that know anything about this, it seems mysterious, there's not any visible obvious problem, and so they're struggling. And they're struggling in their relationship too because it causes a lot of strain. If sex is not enjoyable people often start avoiding it or they're arguing about it or they're confused and hurt, but it just it goes downhill fast. Maegan Megginson joins me today and she really specializes her practice on working with clients with sexual pain. She works with both individuals and couples. She's a marriage and family therapist and a certified sex therapist. What are the types of sexual pain? We go into detail about the two main categories of sexual pain, external and internal. We cover how you can differentiate these kinds of pain, how to talk to your healthcare provider about the pain, and we offer resources for you to learn more about your individual sexual pain experience. There are what are the kinds of issues people face? Sex should never be painful. And many people don't understand this, because they have either experienced pain from the start or they have gone to their healthcare professional who has not provided an accurate diagnosis or effective treatment protocol. Maegan states, "I can't think of one client I've had who has not had at least one shameful experience when seeing a doctor." We give tips and tools for going to your appointments prepared and informed, to help you get the help you need and deserve. What are the conditions that caused the pain? Sexual pain is a symptom of a condition or experience which is completely treatable. And many women can experience healing and progress from Day 1. What are the treatment options and how broad are the effects? We talk about treatment options and how you can find a good, sexual-informed provider to help you if you are experiencing sexual pain. Pain as a "Player" It's important to find someone or a team of supporters because sexual pain can have a dramatic impact on your relationship. The sexual struggles will eventually lead to emotional challenges. Maegan and I both agree the pain can become "a player" in the relationship, an "elephant in the room" which nobody understands. You are not broken It's important for people to understand what's going on and to start to get relief and help immediately. You are not broken or defective and relief is available. Background and Links Maegan Megginson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist. She is the owner and clinical director of The Center for Couples & Sex Therapy in Portland, Oregon. Maegan specializes in working with women and their partners who are suffering from sexual pain. She understands the complexities of these conditions and is passionate about helping clients heal from the traumatic impact of sexual pain. Website - http://ccstpdx.com/ Facebook - https://facebook.com/Couplesandsextherapy/ The Vulvar Clinic at OHSU - https://ohsu.edu/xd/health/services/women/services/gynecology-and-obstetrics/services/vulvar-health-program/vulvar-services.cfm Resources • https://www.amazon.com/When-Sex-Hurts-Womans-Banishing-ebook/dp/B004JN0FCW • https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform-ebook/dp/B00LD1ORBI/ • https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Focused-Couple-Therapy-Dummies-ebook/dp/B00ET1ULIM/ More info: Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass