Better Sex

Living with MS Six months after her daughter was born, Kimberly stopped nursing, and soon went completely numb on the left side of her body. An MRI uncovered that she had 8 lesions on her brain, which she says led to a quick diagnosis of MS. While her MS has been in remission for 12 years, her prognosis could change at any time. Despite her remission, Kimberly tells us that situations exist that can still trigger MS symptoms. She informs us that many people with MS have trouble with heat which affects her sight. Difficulty swallowing and walking and feeling a tingling along her body are also common, she explains, especially in the heat. At a psychological level, Kimberly reports that people with MS have to live with a great deal of the unknown, as they can’t guarantee their level of functioning from day to day. Support for the Newly Diagnosed Kimberly tells us that many support groups exist for people newly diagnosed with MS, some of which can be found in the Resources section of these show notes. She recalls when she was first diagnosed, she thought MS was a death sentence, which she now knows is incorrect. However, she counters that while MS doesn’t kill, it does hinder functionality, which she found devastating enough to trigger all the classic stages of grief. She attributes her acceptance of MS and her emotional recovery to the love and support of her partner. Difficulties with Sex in MS Ms. Castelo points out that many people with MS are depressed, which leads to wide usage of libido-lowering SSRIs. Even without SSRIs to reduce sex drive, Kimberly informs us that 85% of women and 90% of men with MS suffer from sexual dysfunction. For both genders, Kimberly tells us about spasticity issues, generalized pain, and difficulty moving legs that can impede sexual function. Kimberly says that another common problem is that MS affects the bowels, causing some people to lose bowel control during sex. She warns that people with MS can fall into having obligatory sex to please their partners, which she describes as incredibly damaging. She believes that sex should prioritize both you and your partner’s satisfaction, never just one person’s. Kimberly explains that the partners of MS patients can suffer too. Many partners become caregivers, and amongst partners who become caregivers, switching hats to make sex possible can be difficult, especially when their partner needs a lot of care. Kimberly encourages caregiving partners to compartmentalize moments and force themselves to have fun and playful events as well as their required caretaking. Another problem amongst caregivers that Kimberly sees in her practice is that people operating as caregivers often don’t share their own struggles. In those cases, she reminds caregiver partners that humans enjoy helping each other, and by not sharing their struggles, they are depriving their partners of that joy and intimacy. Helping partners with problems, she asserts, is also empowering to the partner with MS, because they are given the opportunity to be a caregiver as well. Improving Sex with MS Kimberly says that for people partnered with someone who has MS, it’s important to allow space for grief before they can begin problem-solving. After the grieving gives way to acceptance, she states that couples may be surprised to discover that sex with MS can create phenomenal sexual connections due to the incentive MS creates to explore new avenues of sexuality. It can even raise the quantity of playful erotic moments in people’s lives. She describes her concept of daily erotic moments as simmering with her clients. Just like making a soup, she suggests that first, you get things started, then it starts to smell good, then better, and in the end, it’s so amazing that you have to eat the stew. She mentions that having multiple sexually intimate moments throughout the day can produce an identical effect. Expanding the Meaning of Sex Kimberly suggests expanding the definition of sex is important. She says it’s not just about genitals touching genitals. She says it’s about flirting, touch, cuddling, holding hands, passionate kisses, and learning to bring those acts to a level that facilitates deep pleasure and connection in both people. She teaches that slowing down sex to accentuate and be more mindful about each action increases the eroticism of life. She insists that sex can’t just be about genital-to-genital contact and orgasms. Sex Therapists and MS When you’re figuring out how to plan sex and keep it romantic, when is a good time to have sex to avoid fatigue, and how to get involved in sex in the first place, Kimberly says a sex therapist can help. She also suggests that sex therapists can help MS patients and their partners figure out how to really connect emotionally and share their sexual challenges with each other. She says sex therapists can help couples plan sex around the best times of day to avoid the crushing fatigue of MS. Despite popular conceptions that sex should be spontaneous, Kimberly says people with MS in particular need to schedule sex sessions. She also warns that it can be difficult to cope with partners about the changing, day-to-day pains that people can feel with MS, but therapists can encourage communication, creativity, and being mindful and appreciative of sexual actions that don’t involve intercourse. Background: Kimberly Castelo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Certificated AASECT Sex Therapist, and a Certified ETF Couples Therapist. As a Certified Integrated Intimacy Professional, she believes in treating mental health in a holistic way, exploring individuals, couples, family systems, sexual health, medical issues, and spirituality to create a full picture of her clients’ lives and resources. As a woman who’s lived with MS for 13 years, Kimberly intimately understands how medical maladies can influence the mental health of families and individuals. This experience combines with her training to provide invaluable insight into relationships and sex. Resources for Kimberly Castelo: https://www.healingmomentscounseling.net/ https://www.nationalmssociety.org/ https://mymsaa.org/ More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/131-ms-and-sex-kimberly-casteloWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Diversity in Jewish Beliefs and Practices Dr. Shy describes Jewish law as a corpus of Jewish religious requirements. He explains that every aspect of life has regulations to help Jews proceed through life. He discloses that there are disputes within the Jewish community about who can interpret Jewish law, leading to different sects of Judaism being formed, each with their own practices. Dr. Krug reminds us that he can only share his own interpretation and some alternate views he’s encountered personally and professionally. The Spirituality of Sex in Judaism The doctor describes Judaism as a sex-positive religion that appreciates the human body and human experiences. He emphasizes that Judaism encourages its adherents to elevate the mundane and the physical to the holy through thoughtfulness, intentionality, and restriction. He says Judaism contains many laws and restrictions on sex that are meant to transform a potentially carnal act into a holy union that increases both people’s connection to each other and to God. He tells us that in the Jewish view, conceiving a child is an act involving three people: the man, the woman, and God. He counters this interpretation of Jewish law by describing smaller, rarer sects that see sex as a necessary evil that should be experienced infrequently. He states that many people with this belief see sex as a necessary transaction that occurs within marriage. The Sexual Power of Jewish Women Dr. Krug mentions there is a Jewish law that requires men to satisfy their wives sexually. He explains that a man cannot demand sex from his wife, but a wife can demand sex from her husband. He clarifies that a man can tell his wife that he’d like to have sex, but compelling her to have sex isn’t licit. This imbalance of power can create tension when the man wants to have more sex than his wife, but he tells us Orthodox couples often mitigate this disparity by refocusing on sex as a holy and intentional act, rather than a purely physical drive. He implies that the absence of desired sex allows men to reinforce the intimacy and holiness of sex through the delayed gratification abstinence ensures. Family Purity Laws Dr. Krug describes family purity laws that require men and women to separate when the woman is menstruating. During menstruation and for seven days following her period, he says that Jewish men and women cannot interact sexually. Dr. Shy describes several protective barriers many employ to fulfill this law, like sleeping in separate beds, not sharing food from the same plate, not passing things to each other, and not feeling each other’s weight. When two people sit on the same couch cushion, he explains that they feel each other’s weight when they move; he informs us that Orthodox Jews avoid doing this during this part of a woman’s cycle to avoid the desire to touch each other that such closeness might incite. While the Bible does not give the reason behind these restrictions, he informs us that Talmudic sources extrapolate that physical distance encourages couples to focus on the verbal and emotional elements of their marriage and maintain the excitement of sex. Premarital Sex Dr. Shy asserts that premarital sex is prohibited in Judaism. He informs us that some Jews will avoid all physical contact with potential mates and many Jews avoid being alone with each other altogether. He informs us that in the most right-wing forms of Judaism, girls and boys are kept apart and schooled separately, allowing them to reserve all sexual education until their children are old enough to marry. Some Jews, he tells us, do have premarital sex and cohabitate with partners before marriage, but those practices are not widely accepted in Orthodox communities. About Masturbation While he admits that some Jews do masturbate or utilize pornography, he points out the clear Biblical prohibition of masturbation, which he defines as the spilling of seed to avoid pregnancy. By contrast, he explains that because women do not spill their seed, they are permitted to masturbate, but they are advised to restrict the frequency of their masturbation and focus on maintaining their marriage’s intimacy first and foremost. Sex Ed in Jewish Orthodoxy Sects vary in their approaches, but he describes the modern Orthodox sect teaches about sexual health, puberty, relationships, and communication in middle school. By high school, he informs us that students are educated about masturbation, pornography, and healthy sex practices. He says that modern Judaism acknowledges that people are sexual beings and that it’s important to acknowledge and understand human sexuality. He explains that marriage classes also inform the youths of the laws surrounding marital relations, family purity, and the ritual baths women must take monthly. He says that developing intimacy, foreplay, and discussing the origins of sex outside of the bedroom are also covered in these classes, though he tells us more right-wing sects will clothe the education in more modest language. Condoned and Prohibited Sex Acts While Dr. Shy clarifies that some rabbis condone sex acts like oral sex and manual stimulation as long as ejaculation always occurs inside the spouse’s vagina. He reveals that teachings vary with regard to women receiving oral sex, with some saying men can perform oral sex on their wives if it’s dark or he doesn’t look at her vagina. Dr. Krug admits that Orthodox Jews are often allowed to utilize sex toys and engage in manual stimulation. He emphasizes that the law that women need to be fulfilled during sex is so important that many rabbis will bend rules if it helps women achieve orgasms. Laws about Homosexuality Dr. Krug conveys general agreement that homosexual sex between men is prohibited, but even with that blanket prohibition, some homosexual sex acts are seen as more illicit than others. He explains that some rabbis will guide homosexual men towards performing sex acts that are less harmful because continuing practicing Judaism is considered more important than practicing every law successfully. Dr. Krug remarks that Judaism understands that people do not choose their sexuality, and rabbis do not turn people away for being gay. What About Sexual Dysfunction? Dr. Shy tells us that some Jews might go to their rabbi first when they struggle with some form of sexual dysfunction, while members of more liberal sects may consult their medical team first. When rabbis are faced with a man experiencing problems like premature ejaculation, he says they will understand it as a physical problem that can prevent procreation and as an issue that can forestall marital intimacy and spiritual health. As such, Dr. Krug remarks that many rabbis will relax the normal laws against things like masturbation for as long as the prohibited act is part of the man’s medical treatment. Gentle Advice for Gentiles Dr. Krug suggests that the intentionality and mindfulness surrounding sex can help gentiles improve their relationships. He gives the example of sensual massage, saying that being fully present while touching and being touched improves the act. In general, he believes that being motivated by the higher goals of emotional intimacy and the sensual act of truly being present for your partner can enhance sexual and emotional intimacy. Background Dr. Shy Krug holds a PhD in clinical psychology from Fairleigh Dickinson University and a B.A. in psychology with a minor in biology from Yeshiva University. At the James J. Peters VA Medical Center in the Bronx, NY, Dr. Krug parlayed his pre-doctoral internship into a two-year post-doctoral fellowship assessing and treating post-traumatic stress disorder and Gulf War Multisymptom Illness. Subsequently gaining a certificate in Sex Therapy from The Buehler Institute, certified training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, he is now a staff psychologist in the general outpatient department and sexual health clinic at the James J. Peters VA Medical Center, where he supervises and teaches the internship program. Dr. Krug also has a private practice in the Upper West Side of Manhattan where he treats sexual dysfunction, relationship difficulties, anxiety, and trauma. Resources for Dr. Shy Krug: http://www.drshykrug.com More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/130-sex-and-orthodox-judaism-dr-shy-krugWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

To reach an ADHD diagnosis, Dr. Tuckman reports that a 45-minute interview is required. With the media coverage of young boys with ADHD, Dr. Tuckman says that most clinicians can diagnose childhood ADHD accurately, though he notes that girls aren’t diagnosed as often as boys. He suggests that clinicians might expect ADHD more often in boys than girls, leading to them not noticing the symptoms. Ari says that adults with ADHD also have a harder time being diagnosed, partially because their symptoms vary a little. Grown men and women almost never display the hyperactivity of ADHD youths, he admits, but forgetfulness, poor time management, losing things, and high distractibility continue to impact people’s personal and professional lives throughout adulthood. He shares that adults with ADHD frequently realize they have ADHD themselves in what he calls a two-for-one: Parents bring in their child for an assessment and realize they also display ADHD symptoms, leading to simultaneous diagnoses. Adult women with ADHD can be particularly difficult to diagnose, according to Ari. He tells us that they often present with anxiety and depression, but he reports that most clinicians stop their analysis there, when the root cause of their mental anguish stems from poor executive function, poor time management, and other, similar symptoms of ADHD. ADHD Symptoms Dr. Tuckman explains that it’s easier for people with ADHD to maintain focus on more interesting activities and on tasks that have a strict, close deadline. Being consistent and reliable are difficult tasks for people with ADHD, admits Dr. Tuckman. In these scenarios, partners with ADHD often lament their lack of reliability, while partners without the condition hate seeing themselves turn into a nagging spouse. Dr. Tuckman describes another scenario where one person who likes everything organized in a rational manner, marries someone who isn’t as attentive or consistent about item placement at home. He says this often becomes a power struggle when what is needed is a method of reconciling their differences by coming to a compromise. He informs us that partners with ADHD will genuinely commit to the compromise and will often fulfill it for a few days, but before long they get derailed by things like getting home late, work difficulties, or not sleeping well the night before. He adds that this also leads to nagging and relationship struggles. ADHD or Simple Laziness? Ari asserts that ADHD is characterized by a failure to actualize good intentions. He describes people with ADHD as genuinely intending to fulfill their responsibilities, and he tells us that they are aware of the positive and negative repercussions that will occur if they do or don’t—for example—take out the trash. They’re often angry at themselves for neglecting their duties and breaking their promises. Dr. Tuckman assures us that adult ADHD isn’t purely about forgetting to perform menial tasks. He says they often forget things that outright hurt themselves, like leaving their lunch at home. He contends that their good intentions and their tendency to harm themselves with their disease distinguish them from people who simply want to avoid housework. Sex and ADHD Ari relates that when he was researching his most recent book, he had 3,000 people fill out a form that covered their marital relationships and their sex lives. He found that most people with ADHD enjoy their sex life when they are having regular sex. Unfortunately, Dr. Tuckman discovered several barriers to intercourse including partners not having enough good feelings about each other and the couple not having enough time to have sex. The former problem comes from the power struggles described earlier, but Dr. Hickman describes the lack of time as resulting from getting distracted and consequently taking more time to do things. The ADHD Sex Drive Within the aforementioned survey, he placed several questions designed to measure the sexual eagerness of people with ADHD. By asking how often they masturbate, how long it takes them to get revved up, how frequently they would like to have sex, and similar questions he found that people with ADHD are significantly more sexually eager than people without ADHD. He theorizes that just as people with ADHD tend to be more influenced by what’s going on around them, they may also be more easily influenced by the regular thoughts about sex that float through their minds. He further theorized that having one member of a relationship respond to sexual impulses more strongly can help to maintain the couple’s sex life by incentivizing the intentional pursuit of sex in the relationship. Alternately, he admits that differences in sex drive can create a wedge between the couple. Sexual Satisfaction with ADHD Dr. Tuckman sees a lot of couples in his office who are struggling because the ADHD partner is male, and the increased sexual eagerness of his condition magnifies the already high male sex drive. He says this difference in desire combined with the way women frequently assume chores and tasks often leaves women in relationships with male ADHD patients exhausted and unhappy. By contrast, he found that when women have ADHD, the couple has sex 25% more often than couples where the male has ADHD. He points out that men with ADHD tend to have the highest sex drive, while women without ADHD have the lowest sex drive—a situation that naturally causes conflict. However, Ari explains that women with ADHD and men without ADHD both sit in the middle of the spectrum, with sex drives that are more similar. He speculates that having a similar sex drive between partners may lead to happier relationships in general because the good feelings from sex spill into and enhance other parts of the relationship. Treating ADHD with Medication Ari says that prescribing stimulants to ADHD patients is an excellent idea. He informs us that the stimulants prescribed for ADHD are some of the most effective medications in psychiatry and they’re non-addictive if taken as prescribed. This is particularly important to Dr. Tuckman because untreated ADHD doesn’t just result in poor school performance, but also lowers lifetime earnings, leads to increased car accidents, and even lowers lifespan because of ADHD’s tendency to reduce a person’s self-maintenance abilities and its ability to reduce a person’s ability to seek and comply with medical advice. Non-Medical ADHD Treatments Ari tells us that a lot of great resources are published to help people and their partners cope with ADHD. Seeking out better methods to get things done, get organized, and get on top of things. He suggests that cognitive-behavioral therapy can also help some symptoms. Navigating Sex and Romance When it comes to romantic relationships, he maintains that both partners must come to an agreement that they both can accept. He emphasizes that this does not mean either partner should completely change and do things their partner’s way, as that is unsustainable and avoids the fact that healthy relationships involve a give-and-take that satisfies both partners. He points out that if your sex life is important to you, working on your relationship will help that out. Similarly, he asserts that working to have a better sex life will improve the nonsexual elements of your relationship too. He explains that it’s hard to have a truly intimate sexual experience with someone you’re mad at, but reaching a level of a deep, vulnerable union during sex absolutely colors the hours and days that follow. Background Dr. Ari Tuckman has a private practice in West Chester, PA where he specializes in diagnosing and treating adult ADHD. As a certified sex therapist, he also focuses on couples counseling and sex therapy. He frequently presents and co-chairs at CHADD, the national ADHD advocacy organization, and has been featured on CNN, National Public Radio, and several other media outlets. The author of four books, his most recent is “ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship,” a title that explores the impact of ADHD on romance and sex. Resources for Dr. Ari Tuckman http://adultADHDbook.com More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/128-adhd-and-sex-dr-ari-tuckmanWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Amy noticed that even she was having trouble talking to her own child about sex, and she imagined it would be even more difficult for people without her work background. She discusses the difficulty of discerning the right amount of information to share with kids, especially with the poor cultural examples in the US but reiterates that it’s crucial for parents to push through their discomfort. Amy advises us to look at our own lives, our own sexual decisions and early relationships, and our current relationships to get a good idea of what can happen without quality education about sexuality and relationships. She emphasizes that sex and relationships constitute a lifelong social-psychological health issue and that parents can’t rely on schools to teach these things to their kids. Sexual Health Requires Healthy Relationships A lot of sexual health is about relationships, Amy asserts. She explains that many things can go wrong in relationships that will negatively affect the lives and health of people if they don’t know enough about what healthy relationships look like and what isn’t okay. Amy suggests that parents should want their children to grow up with a lot of information so that they can feel good about their decision-making skills and so that they can build safe, healthy relationships and quickly, correctly notice when relationships become unhealthy. What Kids are Learning Now Amy points out that most people are only getting educated about sex in the 5th and 9th grades, and neither of those sessions is comprehensive in any way. She explains that most young people learn the most about sex through pornography, sexualized entertainment media, and their friends. She points out that this gives kids a lot of very adult information about sexuality without providing them any context for that information. Amy advises that parents contextualize pornography for children. She believes it’s important for kids to know that the models are acting, and they aren’t having real, normal sex. The Limits of Sex Ed in Schools Ms. Lang supports kids getting sex ed, even abstinence-only sex ed because that gives parents an opening to discuss the fact that abstinence-only education doesn’t work. She adds that it even lets parents talk about waiting to have sex until they’re prepared and able to make a mature decision with their partner. But she explains that schools can’t provide a values-based sexual education that aligns with the values of all their students’ families, schools can’t provide enough details about sex, and schools really can’t talk about how sex is pleasurable and not just about making babies. How to Answer Questions Amy tells us that a lot of questions kids ask can be answered simply and directly, but sometimes they’ll ask questions that are more sensitive. In those cases, she suggests admitting to your child that you’re not sure how to answer, and you need time to think about what to say. She explains that hot topics and questions about your own history can be dicey; she advises parents not to air their traumas to their children because she believes it’s important to talk about sex in a way that encourages them to have consensual, safe sex in a safe place. Talking About Rape She says that it’s easier to answer questions about difficult issues like rape and abortion if you already have created an early, strong base with your child about the fact that sex is healthy and fun when it’s consensual. When you have that background and talk about rape with your child, you can emphasize that sex is usually a happy thing adults do, but that sometimes people are bad and force others to have sex. She demonstrates that you can reassure children by saying that even though it’s a sad and scary part of life, it’s something they need to know about, and you’re glad they asked you. Age Appropriate Conversations She says that sex talk starts from birth in the form of discussing anatomy and sex differences directly and with correct terminology. Amy believes children should know how babies are made, how consent works, how families are structured, and what safe touch is by kindergarten, because when they’re that small, they are very curious and absorb the information naturally, and they haven’t yet learned enough of the negative aspects of sex to darken or pervert the facts of life. She highlights that early education about sex does a lot to protect kids from sexual abuse, which should motivate most parents to discuss the topic with their kids. She mentions using the opportunities available to talk about sex in everyday life, from family members becoming pregnant or being gay to people displaying the signs of puberty. Amy discusses that it’s important to address puberty before they’ve completed the process, with 8 and 9 being her specific age suggestion. Parents can look for breast buds in girls to spot puberty, and she says in boys, parents with notice them becoming stinky. By middle school, she believes kids should know the basics of everything about sex, the good and the bad. She suggests teaching them about oral and anal sex, about birth control, STIs, slang, and all about consent and healthy relationships. At this age, she explains that you want your child to be the smartest kid on the school bus so that they don’t internalize false information from their peers. How to Start Sex Talks Amy advises parents to talk about sex on car rides, where the kids can’t run away, but she also says that telling your kids you need to talk with them about a sex thing, and asking them if they want to do it now or later is a good tactic to ensure you have the conversation. She says that it’s often easy to observe the mood of adolescents to see when they’re most receptive and chatty, and those times are good opportunities to talk about sex. As eye contact is concerned, she admits that kids often don’t like it (especially boys), and it’s usually better to discuss sex with kids when you’re side to side. She tells us talking about song lyrics or news items with your kids can create good segues into sex conversations. However you do it, she reinforces the idea that you want them to be well-educated before their peers start talking to them about sex, love, and relationships. Gender and Sexual Orientation Talks Being careful with the language you use about LGBTQ+ issues is important to make certain your child feels welcomed no matter what their sexual orientation or gender identity turns out to be. She recalls that with her own child, she and her husband always said things like, “when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend…” until the boy revealed his orientation and settled the matter. It’s important not to transmit prejudice for gay or trans people to your child, because doing so will make them feel alienated, and can even cause suicide attempts if they are LGBTQ+. Young Girls Coming Out In her professional life, Amy encounters a lot of stories about middle school-aged girls coming out as asexual or bisexual, and many parents ask her what that means. Amy suggests that it may be a result of our culture being more open. Sexual experimentation can be a normal, healthy developmental stage in kids that age, she explains, and some children will feel that doing those things makes them gay or bisexual, while others may be experimenting and exploring their sexuality. She suggests just waiting, always demonstrate your acceptance of whatever they may wind up being, and making sure your kid feels safe being themselves around you. How Can Parents Learn to Support Their Kids? Amy refers to her first book, Birds and Bees and Your Kids was written to help parents figure out their values surrounding sex and gender identity and how they want to talk about the issues. She also has a Solution Center on her website that provides lots of resources. It’s important to think about and prepare your responses in advance, she suggests, to communicate your values more clearly and concisely. She also says that the more parents practice by talking about sex with their kids, the easier it will become. Background: Amy Lang, MA has been a sexual health educator for more than 20 years. With a master’s degree in Adult Education and years of experience as a sexual educator, Amy decided to combine those two fields to help herself and other parents have those conversations. As the host of Just Say This Amy helps parents learn to talk to their children about sex and values. She also authored two books to help parents and their kids navigate romantic and sexual relationships titled Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids – A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs About Sexuality, Love, Relationships and Dating Smarts: What Every Teen Needs to Date, Relate or Wait. Amy lives with her husband and teenage son in Seattle, WA, and can be found online at BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com Resources for Amy Lang: https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/category/podcast/ https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/ More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/127-talking-to-kids-about-sex-amy-langWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Dr. McKenzie explains both sexes produce testosterone however it’s much more prevalent and important in men. Serena informs us that puberty is driven primarily by testosterone. She notes that testosterone production increases exponentially in men during puberty, peaks around age 30, and subsequently declines. From driving growth and facilitating sexual function to retaining bone density and cognitive function, Dr. McKenzie describes testosterone as a hormone with lifelong importance in men’s health. Causes of Low Testosterone Serena tells us the most direct cause of low testosterone, clinically diagnosed as testicular hypogonadism, occurs when the pituitary gland produces insufficient hormones to trigger adequate testosterone production. But she explains that many cases of low testosterone are caused by obesity, diabetes, insomnia, sleep apnoea, a sedentary lifestyle, smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, and other varieties of poor self-care. She also mentions that many clinicians understand lower testosterone levels as a natural result of aging, and not as a condition requiring treatment. Symptoms of Low Testosterone Dr. McKenzie admits that most of her patients present with sexual dysfunction. She often finds problems such as low libido, trouble gaining or sustaining an erection, fatigue, or depression. One symptom she describes that points directly to hypogonadism are a measurable decrease in testicular size. She mentions the loss of non-sexual erections as indicative of low testosterone. She points out that these symptoms can also be caused by vascular disease or pituitary dysfunction, but she reassures us that true cases of testosterone dysfunction can be diagnosed fairly easily by physicians. How Low is Low? To diagnose hypogonadism, Serena explains that labs look for reproducible testosterone levels below 300 or 350. The doctor explains that testosterone levels vary from day to day and hour to hour, which is why testing a man’s testosterone more than once is necessary for a correct diagnosis. She admits that some practitioners will skip this second test, which can lead to inappropriate diagnoses. She explains that most men should have testosterone levels between 200 and 900 for full sexual health, but the exact levels vary for different individuals. Treating Low Testosterone Dr. McKenzie believes that it’s important to assess lifestyle variables and consider alternative treatments like testosterone stimulation before rushing into testosterone replacement. For many men, correcting poor self-care, addressing relationship problems, and learning to foster romance in their relationships can solve their sexual and energy complaints. She remarks that these treatments are especially useful for younger men because hormone replacement shuts off the body’s natural ability to produce testosterone, which can prevent men from fathering children or require lifelong testosterone supplementation after treatment. But for men with primary testicular failure or pituitary dysfunction, Dr. McKenzie acknowledges that testosterone treatments will be a necessity for the rest of their lives. Men whose testicular tissue has been damaged by chemotherapy or alcohol abuse may also need continual testosterone treatments to maintain sexual function. Treatment Types Serena describes a market that has produces 15 to 20 different methods of administering testosterone for patients, including injected doses of testosterone, injectable pellets, transdermal gels, sprays, and pills, but she says insurance usually decides the form of treatment. Risks of Different Treatment Types Dr. McKenzie prescribes transdermal gels and lotions most often. For those, she warns that it’s important for men to wash their hands after application and for them to allow the gel or cream to dry after application, otherwise accidental transmission of testosterone to partners or pets may occur. She implies that most other methods are even safer, though high-dose injectable varieties of testosterone have been shown in some studies to increase the risk of blood clots, making heart disease important for prescribers to consider. Testosterone Abuse and Misuse Serena believes that testosterone is a wonderful substance, but she recommends it only be used with a clinician’s oversight. Because of testosterone’s ready availability online, she meets many men who buy themselves testosterone and are puzzled by the substance’s tendency to reduce, rather than increase, libido in healthy men. Producing Testosterone Again For men who don’t need lifetime testosterone treatment, Dr. McKenzie explains that results vary when treatment is discontinued. She says that some men—usually those who did not require treatment—produce adequate levels of testosterone immediately after treatment stops. Other men must wait for three to six months for their testicles to resume testosterone production, a time period that she warns can cause men to feel the depression, fatigue, and other symptoms associated with low levels of testosterone. She says that people who recover more slowly may require testosterone stimulating therapies to regain sexual function or fertility treatments if they intend to conceive a child. She also warns that a few men never regain their fertility or sexual function after undergoing testosterone treatments. Finding Treatment for Sexual Dysfunction Dr. McKenzie admits that medical treatment for sexual problems can be difficult to find. She describes some doctors as being disinterested in hearing about their patients’ low libido and sexual problems. To meet the needs of this under-treated population, Serena tells us that pop-up sexual health clinics began to appear. Because pop-up clinics often provide inadequate or inappropriate treatment, she explains that more clinicians began to understand the need to provide sexual health services to their patients. Thanks to these changes, Serena shares the encouraging news that getting medical help for sexual problems is becoming easier every day. Background: A healthcare worker since 1992, Dr. Serena McKenzie is an evidence-based, holistic primary care physician with expertise in sexual medicine, healthy aging, and the pelvic floor. She is certified as a sexual medicine fellow (IF) through the International Society for Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH), as a nationally certified Menopause Practitioner (NCMP) through the North American Menopause Society (NAMS), and as a sex counselor through the American Association of Sex Educators and Therapists (AASECT). Using a multi-disciplinary approach that assesses her patients holistically, Dr. McKenzie helps her patients treat sexual dysfunction at every stage in life. Links for Dr. Serena McKenzie: https://www.drserena.com/ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-much-testosterone-mak_b_8833162 More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/125-testosterone-dr-serena-mckenzieWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Amanda Walker is a health lifestyle coach whose focus is on helping women feel better naked. She created the Feel Amazing Naked Program and the Feel Amazing Naked Podcast. She is the creator and blogger at awalkmyway.com. Amanda overcame a life of yo-yo dieting and emotional eating, allowing her to live a life where she controls her food, rather than her food controlling her. Now she uses her experience to help thousands of clients unearth the root causes of their food struggles to transform their bodies and their lives. She encourages her clients to lead fuller, healthier lives in which they can embrace their bodies and lose the self-consciousness and guilt that holds them back. Why ‘Feel Amazing Naked’? Amanda explains that many of her clients will lose a lot of weight, see the transformation, but continue to feel inadequate and lack confidence in daily life and their romantic relationships. She says that’s why it’s so important to feel amazing, in addition to looking amazing. When you feel amazing, she reminds us, confidence, and attractiveness can radiate outward and improve your sex life in ways that just looking amazing never will. She believes that looking and being healthy are important, though she doesn’t deny that some individuals can be very attractive even while carrying extra weight. But Amanda tells us that she’s about holistic self-growth that includes mindset elements along with health and body transformation. In order to set a course for individual clients, Ms. Walker informs us that she likes to ask clients what their goals are before they begin. She says that some clients want to lose weight, some want to work on weight-loss goals, and many want to work on mindset and body transformation goals. The Feminine Ideal and Modern Women Amanda suspects that women struggle with body image issues more than men do because social media and traditional media alike put increasingly perfect, and increasingly impossible feminine body ideals into the world. She explains that women are susceptible to these images of perfection from early adolescence onwards and that she feels her personal background with these influences makes her especially passionate about helping women get past the detrimental thoughts and poor mindset these cultural ideas impart. Ms. Walker also mentions that women are encouraged to serve many roles. She lists female roles like being parents, spouses, employees, and entrepreneurs as a small selection of the roles women are expected to fulfill, and she goes on to mention that the more women serve others or fulfill externalized ideals, the less in touch they are with their own needs and desires. She suggests that when people disconnect from their own, personal ideals, they also disconnect from the confidence that’s derived from having a clear view of one’s own desires, needs, and independent identity. She suggests that it’s necessary to serve yourself first sometimes, and it’s imperative that women stop feeling guilty about prioritizing themselves if they want to effectively interact with their friends and families. Confidence’s Link to Health and Happiness Amanda says that if we’re not clear on who we are and are not confident in who we are, then we can’t fully show up in our other relationships and roles in life. Lacking confidence, she explains, dims our light, and tries to hide who we are, while confidence allows for full investment in and involvement with the world. Especially in our sex lives, she says, lacking confidence can lead to us trying to literally hide the body that makes us insecure, and that inhibits connection. Ms. Walker explains that prioritizing health and making healthier choices also allows women’s confidence to improve because it encourages women to make more intentional actions. She suggests that this link between intentional living and growing confidence can encourage women to adopt more healthy changes, like becoming more active, which leads to more confidence and creates a healthy cycle of confidence-boosting. How to Change Your Habits Amanda points out that overeating is usually a coping mechanism being used to cover up something else. She says that people can undereat or overeat, but in either case, she encourages women to discover the root cause that’s preventing them from making the changes they desire. After observing the thoughts that accompany eating or other actions that need to change, she suggests that people can start to chip away at what’s really behind their unhealthy behaviors. By embracing the journey towards wellness and enjoying the systems that lead to our ultimate goals, Ms. Walker suggests that we can enjoy and appreciate where we are on our path to health. She uses the example of a person who wants to be a runner, saying that it’s essential to stop saying you can’t accomplish your goal. She explains that you must say you’re becoming a runner before you’ll let yourself become a person who runs. She reminds us that our thoughts change our beliefs, and changing our thoughts about who we are and what we can do can change our feelings and actions. She also explains that habits are easiest to change by taking small, consistent steps in the right direction. Initially, the tasks should be so easy that you make it hard for yourself to avoid the activity you want to add to your life. She tells us that aligning the actions of her clients with their goals is another important part of her work. To do that, she encourages her clients to look at what they’re actually doing, and accept that those are their priorities right now. Only by changing their actions, she explains, can her clients truly change their lives. Morning Celebrations Amanda encourages her clients to look in the mirror with a dry erase marker and write down one thing they love about themselves each day in the mirror. She says that the constantly lengthening reminder of awesome things about you helps to remind you of how awesome you are. Root Causes of Unhealthy Choices Amanda tells us that time management, not understanding how habits are formed, negative self-talk, and limiting beliefs are a few of the root causes that prevent her clients from making the changes they desire. Being Intentional About Sex Amanda knows that poor body image often limits people’s sex lives, but she also finds that simply talking about sex and bedroom confidence with her clients makes them feel more comfortable approaching and talking about sex in their own lives. Ms. Walker admits that even in her own life, she often fails to manage her time intentionally enough to have time with her husband before the end of the day. To combat this tendency and retain intimacy in romantic relationships, she says we must stop, pause, and make a commitment to approach sex earlier in the day and give our best selves to our partners. She tells us that pausing to think about and realign our actions helps us remember to connect with our spouses and often rejuvenates our lives romantically and sexually. She also insists that taking care of yourself and building your self-love makes it much easier to give yourself freely in intimate contexts. Amanda’s Favorite Weight-Loss Tip Amanda advocates time management and meal planning as great first steps. She suggests planning your food intake a day in advance because having a plan and being fully intentional about food intake solves a lot of problems. She says that just being mindful of what you’re eating, which this type of planning requires, starts to create a spiral of success. Resources for Amanda Walker: https://feelamazingnaked.com/podcast/ https://feelamazingnaked.com/challenge/ https://www.awalkmyway.com https://amzn.to/2SU2tMN https://amzn.to/2DamkSA More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/122-feel-amazing-naked-amanda-walkerWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

The Pressures on Men in the Bedroom Dr. Corey Allan is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor with a Ph.D. in Family Therapy. He has a private practice in McKinney, TX. With his wife, Pam, he hosts a weekly podcast, Sexy Marriage Radio, to help married couples engage with each other and have the best possible sex. He also established sexymarriage.net, a website that strengthens and deepens married relationships. In all his work, he helps people embrace their choice to live life and be married deliberately while growing spiritually, enhancing passion, and embracing the people and events we encounter with joy and simplicity. The Sex Men Desire Corey points out that men are expected to want sex at all times. He stresses that society generally expects men to initiate sex and pursue sex to the exclusion of other romantic and familial goals. Dr. Allan says that many men balk at the expectation because they also experience relationship goals that are more stereotypically feminine, like the desire for emotional intimacy, romance, affection, and lasting interpersonal bonds. When men deny their desire for the quintessentially feminine aspects of sex, they aren’t bolstering their masculinity but missing out on something ineluctably human. Dr. Allan discusses that men and women do have different biological strengths and weaknesses, and they have desires and abilities that statistically differ. He laments the generation of men raised almost exclusively by women and the specter of ‘toxic masculinity’ that produced. He agrees that acknowledging feminine needs in men is important, but it’s equally important for men to live up to their own forthright and healthy forms of masculinity with integrity and honesty. Ten Women, One Man Corey describes a hypothetical scenario posed by Dr. Glover. In it, he posits that a man can have an orgasm with ten of the hottest women of his choice. In that scenario, Dr. Glover asks how long each man would take to accomplish that goal. Dr. Allan says that a young man might be able to do it in a weekend, but given male refractory periods, age-related fluctuations in desire, and the increased time and effort required to please women, he thinks it might take men in their 30s or 40s two or three weeks. He mentions that a woman in a comparable scenario could have sex many more times in a smaller period of time due to the capacity for multiple orgasms and not needing to maintain erections.   Corey believes that because of women’s biological capacity to “go and go” and men’s need to fulfill and satisfy that potentially endless desire, many men are, on some level, afraid of female sexuality—it’s intimidating. Dr. Allan discusses that while male attraction is believed to be fairly straightforward, women’s desire and arousal are more mysterious. He says that reaching beyond the mechanical, physical acts is necessary to facilitate female fulfillment. Instead of following the formula of what worked last time, Corey encourages men to open up a real dialogue with their partners to find out what’s arousing that day without feeling like failures for not intuiting everything. The Role and Meaning of Erections Corey brings up the fact that men often have erectile issues and says that the heavy expectations placed upon men can lead to a cycle of harmful thoughts that perpetuate the situation. He mentions that even women see erections as signs of their own attractiveness; they worry that if a man doesn’t gain an erection, it means he doesn’t desire her.   Corey reminds us that sexual encounters are intimate sessions between two people—they may or may not involve disrobing, and don’t need to involve intercourse or erections. He says that focusing on erections or the superficial characteristics that women assume decrease male desire misses the point. In Dr. Allan’s opinion, attraction to the whole, nuanced being within the skin we wear is what produces sexual desire, not any external feature men or women may have. He believes that getting the chance to ‘taste the essence of the person’ is what makes sex incredible, not mere genital stimulation. Sexual Expectations of Men Corey claims that a great many expectations rest upon the behavior of a body part that’s only three, six, or nine inches long, and that creates performance anxiety and harms men’s sexual desire. Men are expected to always be ready and willing to have sex, to sexually satisfy their partners, and to initiate sexual activity. He claims that always being expected to initiate sex can create leadership fatigue, and many men would be grateful if women took up some of that responsibility. With full responsibility to initiate, men can fall into an uncertain headspace that worries about the implications of them pursuing more or less sex than usual, such as making their partner feel less desired or being accused of only caring about sex. He believes that acknowledging sex in a slow burn element of daily life can ease some of that tension by decreasing the tendency to pathologize differing sex drives. The Role of Masturbation Dr. Allan believes that sex and masturbation too often go hand in hand. He acknowledges that arousal will occur from myriad sources, but he believes it’s healthier to turn to utilize one’s own memories and fantasies for masturbatory content rather than pursuing porn, because those mental scenes make it easier to transform that randomly produced arousal towards one’s spouse, which he believes is the healthiest use of sexual arousal. Corey admits that other masturbatory habits are valid, but reiterates that it’s essential to prevent the formation of secrets and deceit within relationships, which excessive porn usage can create. He suggests that if porn usage is driven by consistent sexual rejections from your spouse, it’s healthier to approach her and try to solve the problem than it is to masturbate the problem away. Resources for Corey Allan: http://sexymarriage.net More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Jessica Drake is an adult film performer, writer, and director. She’s also a sexual health advocate and sex educator. Her onscreen work earned her numerous awards, including three AVN Best Actress Awards. Jessica is a graduate of San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) and a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). To encourage sexual health and wellness, Ms. Drake conceived and produced the award-winning “Guide to Wicked Sex” videos exploring and demonstrating different aspects of human sexuality with knowledge, experience, and good humor. Her advocacy for improved sexual education, broader awareness of sexual health, and her positive portrayal of the adult industry has led to multiple international speaking engagements and being featured in Cosmopolitan, The Daily Beast, CNBC, Playboy, Forbes, the Huffington Post, and more. She is a powerful advocate for sexual health and sexual education, improving the wellbeing and lives of her audiences. From Performing to Educating While Jessica was paying her way through school as an exotic dancer, she recalls meeting a group of people who worked in pornography and invited her to get involved. She says she initially took them up on their offer by doing softcore, solo magazine shoots and working as an extra in edgier, sexier shows on HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime. When her friends offered to show her a porn shoot and let her help out behind the scenes, Jessica was shocked by how much the reality of shooting pornography varied from her preconceptions. At this shoot, she “fell in love” with the controlled and safe eroticism, self-expression, and creativity afforded by filming pornography. She discusses performing in porn films soon thereafter, and signing a contract with Wicked a full decade after filming her first movie. Jessica describes the beginning of her work for Wicked as an actress dedicated to her craft, whether she was delivering scripted lines or performing intimate scenes. She explains that her interest in educating the public started when people would approach her with questions about sex during her promotional appearances at adult stores. From their questions, Jessica deduced a real need for education about fundamental elements of human sexuality, so she created her video series, “Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex,” to augment her educational talks and workshops, and meet that need for sexual education. Ethics in the Sex Industry Jessica shares her perspective on mainstream media, labeling it as condescending towards the porn industry, often using buzzwords like ‘trafficking’ and ‘coercion’ to sensationalize their stories. Despite these stories, she asserts that she’s never seen or heard of anyone being coerced or pressured into doing porn; pointing out that trafficking is not welcomed in the industry at all. She lists the legal documents, contracts, codes of conduct, and proofs of identity that people must complete in order to film for any studio and explains that many groups, from anti-porn feminists to religious fundamentalists have reasons to oppose the porn industry, but is aware their opposition largely stems from misinformation. While she admits that some abuse has happened in the past, she argues that modern performers are more vocal about this although coercive and unethical practices are very rare in the industry and are rooted in hearsay. Civil Rights of Sex Workers The rights sex workers should be afforded are basic human rights, according to Jessica. Currently, she explains that lawmakers pass legislation that can endanger the lives and livelihoods of sex workers under the guise of preventing trafficking. She recounts a story in which she was asked to sign a petition to “help poor women in porn” who were being abused. She explains that the porn industry is so marginalized and stigmatized that starting these campaigns is common and often leads to legislation that infringes upon the civil rights of sex workers. Porn as Sexual Education Jessica reminds us that the porn industry isn’t responsible for providing sexual education, but she admits that many parents’ reticence to discuss sexuality with their children, and legal restrictions leading to practices such as abstinence-only sex ed, has created a knowledge gap that porn is inadvertently filling. In watching porn, many viewers erroneously expect to be able to emulate what they see and receive the same results shown in porn movies. To combat this misinformation, Jessica explains that she pursued educational credentials to create her series of guides. Her videos have her narration throughout, interviews with the performers, and two or three hardcore demonstrative scenes to highlight the practical applications of the information conveyed. With this she has started building credibility as an educator, with increasing appearances at prestigious educational venues. Due to these appearances, she says that she’s worked to fight the stigma against sex and sex education. Porn movies, Jessica discusses, usually present a streamlined, polished, finished product. She describes her educational videos as differing by showing the nonlinear and more technical aspects of having sex, like applying lube, putting on condoms, and locating specific places on human bodies. She explains that she’s also educated people about communication during sex, massage, body worship, and navigating sex with plus sized partners. Creating Senior Sex Jessica describes meeting and bonding with Joan Price at a conference. Several years later, Jessica invited Joan Price to collaborate with her on Senior Sex, a video that helps senior citizens navigate talking about sex, approach kink, and even find new partners. She discussed her difficulties casting senior sex; she wanted to cast people of color in the film to help the content be relatable to more audiences, but was unable to book any by filming time. Jessica is particularly effusive about senior sex, due to society training people to be repulsed by the idea of wrinkles, old age, and sexuality in old age. She reminds us that we’re all ‘seniors in training’ to help us overcome our cultural prejudices. Resources for Jessica Drake: https://www.guidetowickedsex.com https://twitter.com/thejessicadrake https://www.instagram.com/jessicadrake/ http://www.wicked.com More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Dr. Belous is an Associate Professor, the Director of the Couple and Family Therapy Center at Purdue University Northwest, and a practicing therapist. He is a certified sex therapist and educator, a certified family life educator, and a certified gay-affirmative psychotherapist. He is on the editorial board of the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy and the American Journal of Family Therapy. He is the founding chairperson of the Couples and Intimate Relationships Topical Interest Network and is the treasurer of the Queer and Trans Affirmative Network for the AAMFT. He is a sex and sexuality researcher focusing on social justice and couple and family therapy education and supervision. He has over 20 published works, has given more than 40 presentations at national and international conferences, and has completed 7 different research grants.   The Cass Identity Formation Model Dr. Belous has done research on the process of coming out and helped people integrate their sexual identity into their holistic concept of themselves. He explains that science has worked to understand the coming out process for years. He gives The Cass Identity Formation Model as an example from the 1970s. Dr. Belous tells us her model begins with ‘confusion,’ the stage where people discover they aren’t heterosexual. ‘Comparison,’ the stage where people decide to act straight or gay, is second. ‘Tolerance’ is the third step; which Chris describes as the stage when people acknowledge their sexuality without fully accepting it. He says that leads to ‘acceptance,’ when a person’s sexual identity is fully accepted, and people start coming out. He tells us the fifth step is called ‘identity pride,’ which is when people become activists, march in parades, and broadcast their sexuality. Her final stage, he explains, is ‘identity synthesis,’ when a person’s sexual identity is integrated with their everyday personality. Chris mentions that this model has many drawbacks, including its presumptions that straight people don’t have to go through sexual identity integration, and its presumption that gay people must believe they’re heterosexual before they realize they’re gay. A Multidimensional Model of Sexual Identity Formation Dr. Belous more often works with a multidimensional model of sexual identity formation rooted in social constructionism and developed by Horowitz and Newcomb. He explains that in their model sexual identity is more fluid, and their system is less linear. With the Cass model, people look at their behavior to see where they are on a very linear scale. However, Chris describes Horowitz and Newcomb’s model as referencing behaviors, desires, and experiences to form a coherent but temporary understanding of one’s sexual identity.   The Minority Stress Theory Chris explains that the minority stress theory was initially developed by Ilan Meyer to describe LGBTQ+ identities, but has expanded to include other minorities like race, ethnicity, and culture. When used in the context of sexual identity it codifies the fact that being LGBTQ+ is more stressful than being cisgender and heterosexual. Dr. Belous relates that the crux of the matter is that gay people have to come out repeatedly and coming out always involves theoretical or actual threats to their emotional, physical, and social safety. Stress is also compounded, Chris tells us, by the need to constantly fight against assumptions due to their sexuality. Mental health concerns like anxiety and depression are much higher in the LGBTQ+ community, and Dr. Belous believes that this theory accounts for that disparity. Coming Out is More Stressful than Staying Closeted Chris tells us that research has proven coming out is more stressful than staying closeted. In many parts of the world, he reminds us, coming out means you’re risking your life, while it’s a minor issue elsewhere. He tells us deciding to come out is influenced by their family of origin, personal values, and beliefs, and the environment one lives in. In Dr. Belous’ research men often claimed they had to come out because of the depression, anxiety, irritability, and aggression that resulted from being closeted. Nearly half of the men he interviewed exhibited stereotypically gay traits that made people assume they were gay before they came out.   How to Come Out Dr. Belous acknowledges that there is a lot of information online about coming out but reminds us that their information is usually based upon one person’s very good or very bad experience with coming out. He encourages people to watch the videos and consider the advice out there, but he reminds us that your own experience of coming out may be very different. His advice is to think about the people in your life to find the person it’s safest to come out to. He says you should look for someone who’s very supportive and an ally of the community. Chris warns that coming out is hardest the first time, and he encourages practicing first, but he emphasizes that you deserve to feel authentic and to be relieved of the weight of this secret. Coming Out Safely When helping people come out, Dr. Belous emphasizes safety. Coming out to the wrong parents can lead to being kicked out and starting a downward spiral that leads to drug use and sex work. Those risks mean Chris advises some minors to remain closeted while living with their parents. Waiting until you are taking care of yourself or you have another place to live and sleep if things go wrong is essential. Impact of Stereotypes on Sexual Identity Dr. Belous explains that people like to put others into simple, stereotyped categories. He says that when gay men come out, people expect them to fit feminine stereotypes. Similarly, lesbians are expected to be masculine, and women with masculine traits are assumed to be lesbians. He says stereotypes can hinder people’s desire to come out because they can make people feel like they don’t fit in as a gay person when they don’t fulfill those stereotypes. Chris points out that people who are bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, or any other sexual identity that doesn’t fit in the heterosexual or homosexual box often run into similar problems. They can be rejected by both communities for not choosing one or the other. Bisexuals also suffer from bi-erasure, which Dr. Belous illustrated by describing a bi man in a relationship with a woman. He also explains bi privilege, when happens when bi people are out with their different-sex significant other and have most people recognize their relationship and treat them appropriately, while homosexual men and women are often presumed to be friends or brothers. Advice for Parents He advises all parents to think about what values they want to communicate to their child, and what kind of person they want their child to become. Parents also need to identify things that are 100% unacceptable to them. When this happens, Chris says visiting a therapist to make a plan for when those things happen is a good idea, because if you don’t have a plan, you’re not going to react well. He suggests not under or overreacting if your child comes out as a homosexual.   If you suspect your child is gay, be as supportive of the LGBTQ+ community as possible and talk about homosexuality and how it’s okay when it comes up. Those small changes can be enough to make children feel safe coming out. Chris also reminds us that there are completely heterosexual people who interact with the world in ways that mimic gay stereotypes. Those children will frequently be mistaken for homosexuals, and it’s important not to presume your child is homosexual because of stereotypes they personify. Resources for Christopher Belous: https://academics.pnw.edu/marriage-family-therapy/member/christopher-k-belous-phd-lmft/ http://www.thebsi.org https://www.instagram.com/chrisbelous/ More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

After accumulating nine years of experience working as an obstetrician and gynecologist at Swedish OB/GYN Specialists First Hill, Ashley Fuller transformed her practice into gynecology and sexual health. She claims that she was better able to pursue her passion for women’s sexual health by removing the obstetrics branch of her practice. In her practice she offers checkups, gynecological surgery, and regular exams including pap smears and STD screenings. She aims to help women with sexual and gynecological problems evaluate treatment options and make the best choices for their needs and lifestyles. Gynecologists are often Ill-prepared for Sexual Health Problems In her previous practice as an OB/GYN, Dr. Fuller would have women present with sexual health problems such as low libido. While managing women’s sexual health is an important part of gynecological practice, the treatment of sexual health issues related to the vulva are not covered with any depth in residencies or medical training programs. Because of this oversight, Ashley says that when women asked her about sexual health problems, she frequently didn’t know how to help them. In an effort to fulfill this need of her patients, Ashley shifted her focus from obstetrics and gynecology to gynecology and sexual health.   Evaluating Low Libido in Premenopausal Women While menopause does affect libido, when a premenopausal woman presents with low libido, Dr Fuller begins by having her patient fill out the Decreased Sexual Desire Screener (DSDS), a worksheet that asks about SSRI use, possible relationship problems, painful sex, stress and fatigue, and several other common causes of sexual dysfunction in women. Ashley points out that not all of the possible causes are physical, and in those cases, she often refers patients to a therapist or sex therapist. Some causes of sexual dysfunction are physical, and in those cases, medication, hormone treatments, or other tangible interventions may be needed. The great news is Ashley tells us about libido treatment for pre- and post-menopausal women! Tune in for the details! How Giving Birth Impacts Libido Dr. Fuller lists several bodily and environmental changes involved with giving birth that negatively influence libido. As physical causes go, Ashley explains that breastfeeding women often have a very dry vagina, which can cause unpleasant or painful sex, and being postpartum entails hormonal changes that can lower libido. Psychosocial factors change the relationship between partners, as newborns often require nighttime care and fail to sleep through the night, leading to parental fatigue and increased stress.   Mental Health Influences Libido Ashley mentions that depression and the SSRIs that treat it can both reduce libido. She looks for chronic opioid use and addiction issues, obesity, poor body image, and even poor heart health, all of which can contribute to low libido and need to be treated before hormone therapy should be attempted. Painful Sex We learn that tight muscles in the pelvic floor can cause pain upon deeper penetration. When the muscular source of pain is found, physical therapy is often helpful. Ashley also suggests the Ohnut to allow for shallower penetration, and she says that women with this problem can improve with physical therapy. Psychological Treatment Dr. Fuller finds that many of her patients have psychological issues that influence their pain levels. Ashley emphasizes that she isn’t saying their pain is imaginary, but she believes pain influences our psychology. “When you know something is going to hurt, she says it’s natural to tense up, but tensing up also activates the pelvic muscles, causing pain during intercourse.” The secret is to relax! Vulvar Pain Causes and Treatment Ashley treats a lot of patients with vulvodynia. She says it often stems from hormone changes, especially hormone changes that appear around menopause. Birth control pills can also lead to very low testosterone levels and cause vulvar pain while some vulvar pain stems from an immune cascade where an overactive immune system attacks the vulva, causing inflammation. She warns that it can be a long path to significant relief, but she enjoys the process of treatment and is grateful for the opportunity to change her patients’ lives for the better. Resources for Ashley Fuller: https://www.swedish.org/swedish-physicians/profile.aspx?name=ashley+e+fuller&id=157760 https://www.swedish.org/locations/swedish-ob-gyn-specialists-first-hill https://www.sexhealthmatters.org/resources/decreased-sexual-desire-screener https://addyi.com/addyi/ https://ohnut.co https://www.orilissa.com/ https://www.lupronped.com/ More info: Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass