Better Sex

How can you bring up your sexual concerns with your partner? On this episode, I focus on talking about sex with your partner when things are not going well. It can be uncomfortable to bring up sexual issues with your partner, and it’s for this reason that I have developed a guide that you can access with the link at the end of these notes. While these talks may be difficult to broach, they create an arena for constructive feedback and help build healthier relationships. I share that this is how you create a sex life that works for BOTH of you. A vital part of this is to first get over any fear you may have about talking about sex. Facing these challenges as a team is crucial to solving them. I outline three different stages for having this type of conversation.   Prepare Like anything, without clarity and knowing what you want, you will have no direction. I emphasize the importance of this step. Highlights are picking up on patterns, emotions, and thoughts in your sex life.  As part of the preparation step, I urge you to identify how you contribute to the problem. “Every situation is co-created.” I bring up a few important questions for you to answer and flesh out in this step. Empathy is also a factor in the preparation step, and I gently guide you around this to help you understand your partner, too.   Approach your Partner About the Topic   “Making time” is something to consider as opposed to spontaneously bringing up the sex talk. I talk about the value of having a time limit on your conversation, too.  I genuinely want you to find a solution, and having a collaborative attitude sets a healthy foundation for working together and talking. This will probably not be solved with one go, so expect a series of talks ahead of time. How to talk about this With collaboration in mind, I urge the use of “I” language. Tune in to learn more about this. I suggest creating space by allowing your partner to tell you how he/she/they feels. In addition to this, “distinguish between what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling.” Tune in to hear my advice on filters and managing triggers. You will learn about empathizing and exercising control in this step, too.   Among other valuable tips, I also emphasize, “Don’t have sex that makes it worse.” Listen for more! Important Links   Link to the guide sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/list More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest today is Martha Kauppi, who is a certified sex therapist and supervisor. Through her practice in Wisconsin, she focuses largely on relationships and how they can affect sex, and vice versa. In addition, she has a background in healthcare, so she brings a very useful perspective and expertise to her practice. Within the episode, Martha talks about how complicated desire is in particular. She describes it as multifactorial, and she also says that desire and arousal is the complex result of a cluster of systems working together. Enjoy this very informative talk from an important figure in the field! Definition of Psychic Energy When describing the libido, many people would define it as a physical phenomenon or a biological culmination of desire. Martha describes it as a psychic energy, or a “want to want to have sex.” Martha says that if someone is wanting to cultivate desire, that’s a crucial first step and a great sign for her client. Because there are so many moving parts that go into desire, there are also many ways for a partner to struggle to become aroused. Martha talks about the internal pressures, of ‘putting out’ in the relationship despite not having the desire, as well as the external pressures, like birthdays or other events. She says that these pressures can contribute to a loss of arousal, even if subconscious. As the pressures ramp up, so too desire can diminish in relation. Other Things That Can Make Accessing Desire Difficult Martha says that sex pain is the biggest obstacle to desire, by far. It’s not technically a desire issue or intimately linked to the desire systems at work, but any sort of sexual pain will kill desire. And unfortunately, a lot of people who have painful sex are not bringing it up because they just assume it’s normal. Or in some cases, a lot of people don’t want to tell their partners because they are afraid of how it will affect the relationship. Martha states that painful sex is treatable and should be addressed, because sex should not be painful. She also states that the pelvic floor is the usual cause for painful sex. In addition to this, she talks extensively about how a lack of pleasure contributes to decreased desire. Check it out! Resources for Women and Men In addition to a lot of valuable information on desire challenges for men and women, Martha shares some good resources: A Woman’s Touch (for men and women), OMG YES and of course The Guide to Getting it on is always a great book to reference. Talk to a Professional! She says that so many people are suffering and discouraged because of a lack of pleasure when they don’t need to be. If you can’t figure it out on your own, Martha really stresses the importance of seeing a sex therapist. She says she can often clear up pleasure problems in a couple of sessions. Anxiety and Depression A major cause for a lack of sexual desire can stem from mood disorders. And the medication that patients take to combat some of the symptoms can often lead to erectile issues and a decreased libido, so desire can be chemically affected as well as the challenges posed from depression or anxiety. The Improvisational Sexual Style Instead of thinking of desire as a linear progression, where kissing leads to touching, which then leads to internal stimulation and climax, Martha’s preferred improvisational style is much more sustainable a way to approach desire. Instead of walking up a staircase and participating in a hierarchy of sexual actions (with a goal in mind), there’s constant communication going on about desire and no script to stick to. Martha thinks that the usual, linear model of sex actually creates needless sexual dysfunction. She thinks we would all be less broken if we could just ditch the linear model! Key Links for Martha Kauppi Martha’s website (for her blog and tons of free information on sexuality!): https://instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/ Amazing article on great sex for a lifetime: https://instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/getting-to-great-sex-for-a-lifetime/ More info:Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest is Dr. Kelifern Pomeranz. She is a licensed clinical psychiatrist, a sex therapist, and an overall expert on arousal disorders and more. She has a practice in Silicon Valley and is here to talk about erections: in particular, how to have healthy erections, what to do if you are having problems getting them, and various strategies for a healthy functioning penis. Definition of Erectile Dysfunction Kelifern says that erectile dysfunction is defined as a recurrent inability to obtain or maintain penile erection. This means that for 75% to 100% of sexual activity, this inability is consistent. And for at least 6 months of consistent inability. She says that physicians will try to determine if a person is experiencing generalized erectile dysfunction, which means that it occurs across the board, in all sexual episodes, or whether they experience difficulty in very specific situations, which would mean situational erectile dysfunction. Also, professionals look to see if the dysfunction has been present since birth or if it is acquired from certain circumstances. Also, when asked the difference between performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction, Kelifern says that it’s similar but not the same in that ‘performance anxiety’ doesn’t meet the criteria for a formal diagnosis. It can be temporary and often is determined by psychological effects. How Common is Erectile Dysfunction? Kelifern starts off this question by admitting that the stats are all over the map, but she says that some stats show that more than 30 million men struggle with erectile dysfunction. Also, a very well known study in Boston showed that about 43% of the 1,700 men studied (between ages 40-70) had erectile troubles.   What Medical Issues to Talk to Doctor About Before Getting Viagra She cited a statistic that said around 70% of erectile dysfunction can be traced to physical conditions. Physicians will look at diabetes, smoking, heart disease, hardened arteries, and anything that inhibits or restricts blood flow.   But sadly, a lot of men are being written prescriptions for medication right away instead of being looked at for many of the other contributing causes. A lot of dysfunction is being written off for psychological causes when they are rooted in treatable physical disorders. The Science of a Hard-On Kelifern says that the penis is comprised of 3 cylinders. One runs along the bottom of the penis, which encircles the urethra. And then are 2 cylinders that run alongside the penis and are made up of the sponge-like tissue that fills with blood.   As she states, an erection is a complex thing. Not only are the body and the brain working in tandem, but psychological and emotional factors have a lot to do with a successful erection as well. When aroused, a man’s penis will fill with blood at 6-8 times the normal rate of blood flow. It becomes engorged, the arteries suspend, and the penis hardens.   Kelifern also says that men can have erections that do not involve the brain. This is called Reflexogenic erection. These types of erections occur by direct stimulation of the penis and are controlled by nerves found in the lowest part of the spinal cord segments. The brain is not involved. But there is much more that goes on. Kelifern says it’s a very complex interplay in the body. Hear her describe the process in more detail in the episode! Psychological Circumstances Surrounding Erectile Dysfunction Kelifern says that arousal is key, as well as relaxation. Anything that disrupts either one of these can make obtaining or maintaining an erection very difficult. Any discomfort can lead to performance anxiety and can decrease the necessary arousal.   So when the brain is anxious, it disrupts the brain’s ability to send the necessary messages to the penis. And this is not good for getting an erection. This often happens when the man is thinking about performance over being present with the sensation and stimulation. In addition, a history of trauma can hinder erections. Religious reinforcements and other sociological factors can also negatively affect physical performance. Treatments for Those Who Are Struggling She stresses again that for those who are struggling, working with a physician first is key. At this part of the episode, Kelifern talks about some very important side effects of pills like Viagra, the effects, who should take them, alternatives such as prosthetics and pumps, and much more.   For psychological treatment, mindfulness and anxiety reduction are the major players for helping men achieve more consistent, healthier erections. Key Links for Dr. Kelifern Pomeranz Kelifern’s website: https://www.drpomeranz.com/ Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/drkelifernpomeranz AASECT: https://www.aasect.org/find-professional/listing/1/7303 More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

All about Feminine Energy My guest Sharon Cohen, PhD has been working in the mental health field for over 25 years. She has also specialized in love and relationships for the past 7 years, but as she states during the interview, she has always been passionate about the subject. Her main clientele is women in their 30’s and 40’s, but she does work with men as well! She says she is committed to helping women find the right relationship for them. In this episode, in particular, she taps into her knowledge base to teach us about the dynamic energy fields at the root of all relationships. Often there are masculine and feminine interplays in energy and the best, most stable relationships have a healthy balance of the two. She talks much more in-depth about this fascinating subject within. Enjoy! The Red, Yellow, and Green Flags of a Relationship In Sharon’s program, she has something called the red/yellow/green flag process, in which she helps her clients to become aware of the people to avoid, as well as the people to pursue a lasting, healthy relationship for you. Sharon says believes that it’s really important to know completely what you don’t want in a relationship. So she has her clients make a list of the 3 non-negotiables to make sure that once the honeymoon period ends in a relationship, the negative qualities they don’t want will not surface unexpectedly. The Importance of Self-Awareness Sharon says that some clients work under the assumption and belief that all of the people they’ve dated are the problem instead of taking some of the ownership for relationship troubles. She said that self-awareness is key to having a healthy relationship, and it’s challenging to work with clients who don’t have any self-awareness. This goes hand in hand with being willing to change. As Sharon shares, if you’re not willing to change, then no change will happen. Common Mistakes Her Clients Are Making A common problem that some of her clients run into is that many of the women feel they have to stop being confident and independent in their work life to have a relationship. But she says that for those who say they want to be completely independent, they might as well not be in a relationship. Relationships, by definition, require interdependency In addition, she also comes across difficulties regarding the dynamic between feminine and masculine energies. For those who are not aware, a balance of masculine and feminine energies seems to spark a healthier interplay during a relationship. These energies are not the same as your gender identity. All people can have both masculine and feminine energy, and each couple functions better if both energies are represented. Couples often struggle when feminine energy is lacking. Understanding all of this is very important and Sharon talks much more about it within the episode! Energy Dynamic Within Same-Sex Couples Sharon says that even with same-sex couples, some people will tend to be more masculine than feminine in their energies. Again, gender identity is not the defining characteristic here. There is an energy range that fluctuates and changes regularly. Working with Sex Sharon says that she works with couples who have trouble communicating their individual sexual desires. Giving each partner a voice and opportunity to respond in an open way is vital for any healthy, fulfilling relationship. She uses a script that is kind of awkward at first, but also somewhat humorous. And through that practice and approach, the difficult subject can be broached in an effective, non-intimidating way. Key Links for Dr. Sharon Cohen Sharon’s website (check out her free-ebook and make a consultation with Sharon!): https://drsharoncohen.com/ More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest is Dr. Amy Gilliland, Ph.D., ADVCD/BDT(DONA), CSE (AASECT). She is a doula, an AASECT certified sexual educator, and her work has been extensively shared and published in many prestigious academic journals on the subject of sexuality and various aspects of childbirth. This episode largely deals with men (with female birthing partners) and the influences that childbirth and post-childbirth time periods can have, not just physically but psychologically as well. Sexual attraction and desire might actually diminish after watching their female partner give birth, relationship dynamics can change, and there are a myriad more things to consider from the male perspective as well. This talk spans a wide array of very important facets of the subject–all of which is driven by Dr. Amy’s expert insight. Inspirations and Influences for Amy’s Involvement in the Work Amy says that she grew up in an environment that was largely women, so she never had a very concrete understanding of men. Due to her line of work, she was witness to this abrupt shift from men being absent from the delivery room to them all of a sudden becoming staples of labor support. This means that men were all of a sudden relied on to give steady labor support with no questions asked and no real training. So, as most males are wired to do, they are left with the difficult prospect of wanting to fix the pain of their spouse but are powerless to do so. That can weigh heavy on the hearts of most men. And not a lot of medical professionals have the time to ask crucial questions about how men are feeling during the delivery. Hormonal Differences in Sexes Pertaining to Childbirth Response As Dr. Amy states, there are some markedly different aspects between the sexes regarding hormonal response to childbirth. So, not only are there anatomical differences, but also hormonal differences. A woman will experience a rush of oxytocin to combat stress or labor, whereas a male partner will not. Dr. Amy talks more about this during the episode. Listen in! The Support System Needs Support Too! When looking at the research, a lot of fathers respond very well to support from a doula. And support, in general, is good for lessening the chance and effects of PTSD that can accompany afterward. In addition, Dr. Amy says that the more men are involved in the decision-making process surrounding birth, the more likely they are going to feel like they have some sort of control. This lack of control, as well as lack of answers during the chaos of childbirth, can adversely affect the physiology (stress response) but also the psychology of the male (PTSD). The Challenges of Asking for Help As Amy says, the medical world is largely patriarchal. But this is not so in the birth realm, which is largely matriarchal. Some men are comfortable within more female spaces and others are not. And on top of this, having to ask for help within a female-dominant place can make some men feel uncomfortable, so within the delivery room, men can feel very powerless. And of course, this powerlessness can manifest itself with PTSD and similar experiences. The Brain’s Response to the Invasive Aspects of Childbirth As Dr. Amy says, we are supposed to act like cervical checks are normal proceedings for our brains to comprehend. But for a male, it can be a strange experience to see multiple cervical checks by multiple doctors, not to mention the other invasive medical procedures on top of this. The aftereffects, no matter how common the practice, can still be traumatic for men, even if not felt in the most concrete ways. The Importance of a Doula Because men often feel like they need to be a protective role during labor, a doula can be essential for calming down and explaining to the male everything that’s going on. So often, it boils down to the man not knowing enough during birth. This lack of knowledge leads to anxiety and stress. A doula or knowledgeable friend is indispensable in this way. And because men typically go into these births with only a few hours of labor support education, they are vastly unprepared for what they are told is their responsibility as a support system. Amy thinks that men are often expected to perform the same way as an experienced doula; she says that is a huge burden to bear for a guy. Advice for Dads Who Are Experiencing Sexual Difficulties She says that admitting a sexual difficulty, first and foremost, is key. For the male, you need to communicate your difficulty. This is not to blame the baby, but just unpack the birth and how you felt about the whole experience. After acknowledging your feelings, then talk about it with someone is knowledgeable about childbirth. Talking to another man who has been through childbirth is also helpful as well for fully relating to the experience before any lasting trauma may set in. But this is just the tip of the iceberg of all that was discussed in this episode. Check it out! Key Links for Dr. Amy Gilliland: Her website: https://amygilliland.com/ Affiliate link for Her book, The Heart of the Doula: https://amzn.to/2Kabfpl Instagram profile: https://www.instagram.com/amylgilliland/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/gilliland_amy More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

An Intimacy that Includes Mind, Body, Heart, and Spirit My guests are Tina Schermer Sellers and Kamara McAndrews, and together they are sharing the important work of Gina Odgen who passed away last year. Gina herself was a sexual educator and researcher who explored the intersection of sexuality and spirituality. From it came the 4-D wheel of mind, body, heart, and spirit. In this episode, Tina and Kamara share their expertise in the 4-D wheel and gives many examples of its transformational power. Tina Schermer, Ph.D. is a marriage and family therapist, the author of Sex, God, and the Conservative Church, as well as an award-winning speaker and the founder of the Northwest Institute on Intimacy. Kamara McAndrews LMFT, CST is a certified sex therapist, the director of programming at the 4-D Network, an expert in teaching and spearheading wheel programs, and studied personally with Dr. Ogden herself. Gina Odgen’s Life and Mission As she is described during the episode, Gina was an amazing researcher in sexuality and devoted her life to her work. Her work began with studying women who were easily orgasmic, and it evolved into the connection between spirituality and sexuality. She also studied Native American spiritualism, which was the precursor for her developing the 4-D Network for Mind, Body, Heart, & Spirit. She was also one of the first researchers to ask these personalized sexual questions to such a large number of people. Her methodology was very narrative driven, and she noticed that the responses people were giving in their surveys all touched upon the 4 crucial aspects of the wheel model she pioneered. The 4-D Wheel To understand the 4-D wheel, we are told to imagine a square clock on the ground that has 4 separate quadrants: one for the mind, body, heart, and spirit. Both Tina and Kamara share just how versatile the wheel is, as well. It can be used for just about anything in your life. For instance, if you are stuck in any position, you can take objects that have certain representations and place them in quadrants. This works very well with couples’ therapy as well. And for those who have anxiety, it can function as a very powerful tool for handling it. This means you take an object that represents anxiety and move into the emotional quadrant or the mental quadrant. And then you take an object that represents the opposite of anxiety, like calm, and put it wherever you feel you need it most. This type of exercise is great for thinking about things from a creative perspective and for externalizing specific areas. Much more is said within the episode; don’t miss it! Sexually Specific Examples of the 4-D Wheel Tina said she’s had couples come in who were really stuck in their relationship. In one of these couples, there was trauma in the man’s life that had surfaced. They had seen 5 different therapists for addiction recovery, group work, and various individual counseling, and then they came to Tina. She did wheel work with this couple who had struggled for so long. They brought symbols with them about what it meant for each of them to move closer into intimacy with each other. And it was through the wheel work and the externalization and explanation of his struggles that led to an impactful realization between them. The female partner was able to see his trauma externalized, and it was eye-opening. Really awesome example and she says much more within the episode! Group Versus Individual Wheel Work There are a lot of differences between group and individual wheel work. One of these differences is that we all often feel isolated in our suffering. Even if we go to therapy, it can still be a very alienating experience sometimes. Group work, on the other hand, actually focuses on using triggers to get at the root of traumas and bring it out or externalize it. In the midst of a group, this can not only be effective but also powerful as well. This can apply to sexual issues of premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, desire discrepancies between couples, shame from an overactive libido, and myriad other things. Suggestions for Those Who Want to Try Kamara suggests going to Gina Odgen’s website and looking through the many valuable resources and books there. Also, Tina has a book called Sex, God, and the Conservative Church, which is amazing as well. In addition to all the books that Gina has written, Kamara suggests that you could also just write down cards that say mind, body, heart, and spirit on them and actually apply the same techniques for externalizing feelings and thoughts through objects. It’s an extremely versatile practice with a lot of flexibility. There are more suggestions within! Other Practitioners of the 4-D Wheel Network Tina and Kamara share that they are teaching people how to become certified 4-D practitioners. On the 4-D website, there is an events page that includes other people who lead retreats and various outreaches for these types of teachings. Be sure to check out all of the resources and get in touch with them if you are interested in this fascinating offshoot of the field. Key Links: Tina’s Website: http://www.tinaschermersellers.com/ Institute on Intimacy Website: https://nwioi.com/ The 4-D Network Site: https://4-dnetwork.com/ Thank God For Sex: http://www.thankgodforsex.org/ She Is Called: https://www.sheiscalled.com/ Affiliate links: Tina’s book – Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: https://amzn.to/2EZEjeG From Diapers to Dating: https://amzn.to/2WqKmno More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest is Jim Fleckenstein. He is a coach and educator on sexuality. He is also a researcher who focuses predominantly on non-exclusive relationships and how they affect the individuals involved. He is an expert in consensual non-monogamy and a wellspring of knowledge and insight, which he graciously shares in this episode. Jim shares stats and information on consensual non-monogamy, how those who practice it are reporting an overwhelming amount of satisfaction and happiness, how emotional needs have a lot to do with those who are drawn towards it, and how these relationship structures are actually much more common than you may have realized. This is just the tip of the iceberg of this discussion though. Listen along and learn a lot about this interesting topic! The Three Main Divisions of Consensual Non-Monogamy To start the interview, Jim breaks down consensual non-monogamy into polyamory, swinging, and open relationships. Polyamory is separate from the others because there is a chance for a deep emotional connection to be reinforced. While the others are more reserved for sexual acts, polyamory is can delve into the emotional as well as the sexual components of a relationship. Jim says that swinging is probably the oldest of the trio. And for those who don’t know, it’s a couple-centric act where couples work hard to establish an emotional wall to prevent emotional developments. They also don’t have sex independently of one another. And in open relationships, partners are free to seek sexual liaisons outside of the primary relationship. Emotional connection is not established, and unlike swingers, they don’t participate in sexual acts together but do their own thing instead. Jim says much more within the episode. Listen along! The Reasons Why Certain People Prefer Consensual Non-Monogamy For the reasons why people go the non-monogamous route, Jim says it has a lot to do with the emotional needs of the person. He says the question of “what is it that I am trying to attain here?” is a great question to ask to evaluate your emotional needs. Your needs will determine which version of consensual non-monogamy that you gravitate towards and want to eventually practice–if you do end up deciding that your emotional needs warrant the lifestyle, of course. Jim also talks about the boundaries that are established and how respecting those boundaries is important for the healthy functioning of any consensual non-monogamous relationship. Tune in! How Many People are Practicing? Jim says that it’s difficult to have an accurate number or statistic for those who practice non-monogamous relationships. This is due to the fact that individuals can lose their jobs and their kids because of it, and in addition, it is still highly stigmatized in our country. This leads to a lot of people practicing in clandestine ways. So, because of these factors, it’s hard to trust the surveys and numbers out there. But according to the stats, Jim says that somewhere between 2-7% of all relationships are practiced through one of the three divisions of consensual non-monogamy. The Importance of Education Jim shares a lot of important information on how people learn about polyamory or swinging by attending educational events where people discuss consensual non-monogamy in a non-sexual environment. Often the trepidations that occur can be alleviated through more understanding. And as is brought up during the episode, some of the concerns of being pressured by a partner into swinging or an open relationship can be addressed once more information is processed. He also makes it clear this needs to be a mutual decision. Who knows, maybe all it takes is a couple of events and you will comfortable enough with shifting your relationship dynamic! Maybe it will confirm your anxiety. Becoming educated is key! It destigmatizes and demystifies. Go-To Resources for Jim He says that his favorite go-to book is Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, for those who are curious about learning about or trying this relationship dynamic. It is a very comprehensive resource. The Ethical Slut is a good book as well, in addition to Designer Relationships. And for those who may have experienced infidelity, Tammy Nelson has a good book called The New Monogamy for handling the subject. Key (Affiliate) Links for Jim: Books he recommends: Opening Up : https://amzn.to/2WWhgZO Designer Relationships : https://amzn.to/2Jk3k7p The Ethical Slut :https://amzn.to/2th3tzf The New Monogamy : https://amzn.to/2Dy0Yxl Jim’s website: https://www.affirmativeintimacy.com/ More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Signs of sexual trauma in children My guest for this episode is Amy Lang: she has been teaching sex for over 25 years now with an emphasis on teaching kids about sexuality in an effective, healthy way. Amy has a Master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. She started her foray into sexual education as a hobby, but she soon made her own company once she realized how uncomfortable she was with talking to her son about sex. Amy’s company is Birds and Bees and Kids. Currently, she educates parents to properly communicate and teach their own children about sex. In this episode, we talk about educating children about sex. Specifically, we give a lot of attention to sexual abuse topics, noticing red flags in your child’s sexual development or behavior, and what to do if your child comes forward as a victim (or a perpetrator) of sexual abuse. These are heavy topics, but they are far too important to ignore. Normal Sexual Behaviors and When to be Concerned Amy says that typical sexual behavior includes what she calls ‘penis meetings’ and ‘vulva conventions’–or other types of behaviors that are based on natural anatomical curiosity between other children. This type of experimentation is normal for all kids. Ages 9-12 is when the experimentation ramps up and can get a little more serious, as porn is typical first viewed within this age range. And then as kids hit the 13-16 age range, Amy says that “all bets are off. They are pretty much doing everything.” Amy says that a way to assess if your child’s sexual behavior is something to be concerned about is just to listen to what they’re saying. If the language sounds adult-like and too established for their age, that is a red flag. And when it comes to self-stimulation, any age for children is normal to start. But it is a red flag if the child is self-stimulating in public on a consistent basis. She goes into much more detail and expands upon this topic within the talk, including a few anecdotes that clarify some of these red-flag behaviors. Our Compulsion to Report Sexual Abuse in Children As Amy points out, adults have a tendency to report any sexualized behaviors in children as a result of sexual abuse when that’s often not the case. Children commonly experiment and discover their bodies in very demonstrative ways, and this is natural. So, shaming kids that exhibit these natural behaviors can be very harmful. Yes, in a public setting, there are boundaries that should be upheld. But corrections that are made shouldn’t be done in a way that shames the natural expression of a child’s sexuality. Communicating in a clear, kind, and simple way is the best way. Of course, though, there are instances where sexual abuse does happen. Some of the red flags for sexual abuse are if the behavior is adult-like, if the behavior is repeated despite multiple corrections, and if the behavior is not between two kids of similar age–say a discrepancy of 3 or more years. For more on this, including red flags between siblings, listen along. Advice for Parents if a Child Discloses Abuse Your natural response would be to react emotionally and get angry if your child came forth and disclosed any sexual abuse that they experienced. Amy advises parents in this situation to stay as calm as possible after your initial reaction. And then ask the important questions in a calm manner: the who, what, when, and where of the abuse. Being gentle is key in this time. She gives some very valuable tips and advice within this section of the interview that everyone should check out, including information on therapy, what to do after sexual abuse, and the complications and confusions that can occur during an abuse. Handle Concerns Calmly There are aberrant sexual behaviors, and there is normal sexual experimentation between children. As a parent, it is important to educate yourself on the difference and to not victimize another child if they exhibit abnormal sexual behaviors. They need help, from a positive place; treating them the same way you would treat an adult who exhibited those behaviors is not constructive, but actually harmful. Resources for Parents Amy provides great resources for you if you are currently dealing with a similar situation that was discussed within this episode. One of the organizations is Stopitnow.org for handouts, resources, and information. All of this is on her website. Check below for links! Key Links for Amy: Her website: https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/ Amy’s book, Birds, Bees & Kids: http://bettersexpodcast.com/amylangbook Stopitnow.org– https://stopitnow.org Amy’s podcast, Just Say This! – https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/just-say-this/id1440215158 More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

This episode is a wealth of information. It is delivered by the expert guidance of guest Dr. Sheila Addison and covers many important elements of transgender and cisgender relationships, the transgender community in general, post-surgery sex, sex between cisgender and transgender partners, how identities are designated at birth, the psychology and complexities of gender identity, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg! Dr. Sheila has a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy. She has a private practice where her client base is about as diverse as it gets, ranging from LBGTQ to Poly Friendly and more. She has an amazing mind and qualified to boot, and her message is absolutely, overwhelmingly important when considering the challenges that the transgender community face and what cisgender people can do to help! Transgender Versus Cisgender To start, Dr. Sheila reminds listeners that we have all been designated as a ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ at birth. This excludes a small number of people who are born as “intersex”, which means their genitals are ambiguous and thus difficult to determine definitively (Gender isn’t binary in any sense – whether you’re talking about genitals or chromosomes; maybe another episode on this later). But for the majority of people, the gender they are assigned at birth fits with their gender identity as they develop throughout life. If you fall into the category, you are cisgender. The ‘cis’ prefix corresponds to mean ‘same’. On the other end of the spectrum, if you haven’t positively identified with the gender that was assigned to you at birth, you are transgender. For those who are born without a clear designation of male or female, the gender identity process can be much more complex than the binary ‘boy or girl’ designations that normally occur at birth. Dr. Sheila eloquently explains the nuances during the talk. Listen in! The Importance of Furthering Education on Gender Identity Dr. Sheila stresses the importance of seeing cisgender and transgender as identities and not conditions. As the nomenclature has shifted and the identities have garnered more societal understanding, Sheila still wishes we that we all had more comprehensive learning opportunities for the cisgender/transgender relationship dynamic and everything the identity entails. Sheila states that an important place to start is being educated enough on the topic to know which questions to ask. And because it’s inevitable that transgender and cisgender individuals will become romantically and sexually involved, the sooner efforts are taken for a balanced understanding, the better. On a Cisgender and Transgender Relationship Providing comfort for a transgender individual is an important role for a cisgender person. This means that the cisgender person is not trying to process the challenges of being transgender so much, but just communicating and giving comfort. She talks about the importance of getting the guidance of a good couple’s therapist–one who can spearhead and direct the processing of certain emotions and feelings. In addition to this very important component, Sheila also devotes some time to discuss the importance of the social aspect of gender identity. She also talks about making sure you understand what your transgender partner is envisioning when they talk about transitioning, and so forth. Really, really important information within. Transgender Surgery and Sexual Expectations This is a rich part of the interview. There’s a lot of ground that is covered and listening along is a must. But to summarize a few important elements: communicating about physical expectations after surgery is very important for sex. There are many variations and options for each individual, so having discussions about expectations is crucial. And because genitalia will function the same after surgery, during a transition from cisgender to transgender, the individual going through that transformation needs support first and foremost. Sit with Your Ambiguity Dr. Sheila encourages you to be more curious in your attraction – mot to make a huge statement, but to lessen our societal tendency to limit our own desires and attractions. So often we get in our own way when it comes to sexual attraction and openness; Sheila encourages you to ‘be a scientist’. This means to keep an open mind despite current societal pressures to do the opposite. Taking a Stand for Transgender People One of the most important things for a cisgender person to do for their transgender partner is to take a stand for them. This means being actively involved in making society more welcoming and comfortable for transgender people. Having that social presence is a positive reinforcement for transgender partners and should not be taken lightly! Key Links for Dr. Sheila: (Affiliate links for Books that Sheila references): The Trans Partner Handbook https://amzn.to/2UvzE9t The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People https://amzn.to/2XtEgPc Trans/Love https://amzn.to/2IKCrJq Queer Sex https://amzn.to/2GzC7vU Fucking Trans Women https://amzn.to/2XoNJHm Her Website: https://drsheilaaddison.com/ Sheila’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/drsaddison?lang=en Her LinkedIn Page: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sheilaaddison/ Sheila’s Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/sheilaaddisonmft —– More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest is Dr. Lori Brotto. She works at the University of British Columbia Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Lori has a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in psychophysiology. She is a practicing psychologist and also spearheads a lab, which focuses on mindfulness-based approaches for the sexual health of women. And within this episode, she talks specifically about mindfulness and its many powerful applications to sexuality, alleviating sexual dysfunction and performance anxiety, and overall increasing the enjoyability of sex in general. There’s so much to say about experiencing each and every moment. Listen along and enjoy! Defining Mindfulness As Dr. Lori states, mindfulness is derived from a larger form of meditation practice called ‘mindfulness meditation’. This discipline has deep cultural and historical roots of about 3,000 years. Mindfulness meditation practices are entrenched in Buddhist worldviews, but in the past four decades or so, mindfulness has undergone a secular shift, which explains its prevalence in the mainstream. In its most simple form, mindfulness means a present, non-judgmental awareness of every moment. Everything is just observed, as Lori states, meaning that any existing anxiety or insertion of judgment is cast aside for the experience of the now. Overlap of Mindfulness and Sex Lori states that something clicked during her work with women who were fundamentally disconnected from their bodies during sex. This means that a lot of women were reporting a lack of physical arousal and being present with physical sensation–which is a pretty common report after all. Lori was wondering if there was a way to apply traditional mindfulness practices with sex, as a way for women to reconnect with their bodies and thus experience sex on a much deeper, physical level. For more on the research, studies, and overall preparation and insight that went into these findings, Lori says more during the episode! The Many Applications of Mindfulness for Men and Women As Lori states, mindfulness is an extremely effective and important intervention because about a third of women are on the lower spectrum for sexual desire and interest; in fact, mindfulness has been shown to increase the levels of desire for most women. In addition, populations of women who experience heightened vaginal pain have benefited, as well as men who have survived prostate cancer. Because the majority of men who undergo prostate cancer treatments are subjected to permanent erectile difficulties, mindfulness can be applied with very beneficial results–not from a physical standpoint, but as a way to shift the understanding of sexual satisfaction and to discover new approaches towards a satisfying sex life. Listen along for more! Recommendations for Practicing Mindful Sex Lori says that she recommends that you first practice mindfulness outside of a sexual context. So, instead of just jumping in and trying mindful sex right away, practicing it at least 15 minutes a day is recommended. This means just being present in whatever moment you are in, being aware, and cultivating the necessary attentional skills. This can involve a ‘body scan’, where the participant follows along with an audio guide or through self-guidance. And after about 4 weeks of body scan practices, usually, a visual sensation is added into the practice with a mirror and to various body parts, noting and being aware of the various sensations. The purpose of all this being that the sexual side of the practice is gradually introduced. Listen along to hear more about this! Alternatives to the Body Scan When asked if there were other options beside the body scan, Dr. Lori provided plenty of practices that cultivate mindfulness just as well. You can practice ‘eating meditation’ or just mindful eating where participants eat food with a very deliberate awareness. Raisins are often used. And because most of us often pop multiple raisins in our mouth without thought, mindfully eating individual raisins with awareness is a great way of cultivating that ‘in the moment’ type of focus that can contribute to profound sexual experiences. Breath meditation is another effective practice for cultivating mindfulness! Dr. Lori shares some more techniques along with the best resources she knows of. You won’t want to miss it! Key Links for Dr. Lori: Twitter: https://twitter.com/drloribrotto Her website and research: https://brottolab.med.ubc.ca/ Affiliate link for the book: Better Sex Through Mindfulness: https://amzn.to/2UJBPv0 Phone number: Tel 604 875 4111 ext. 68901 More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass