The Virtual Couch

The Virtual Couch is a podcast hosted by Tony Overbay, a marriage and family therapist, humor columnist, and motivational speaker who works with many individuals and couples in various areas, including marriage, sexual addiction, and parenting. Tony, and his guests, hope to provide listeners with tools and strategies to help break negative patterns and embrace new and exciting challenges in their lives.

Latest episodes

Jan 29, 2024 • 50min

Tackling Marriage Challenges Head-On - Understanding Relationship Dynamics and Emotional Growth

Tony shares the story of Hudson and Bailey, a couple working towards improving their marriage, particularly around communication patterns and how they deal with conflict. The episode focuses on the couple's struggle with common relationship issues that have resulted in miscommunication and misunderstandings. Tony outlines key behavioral models and strategies such as his Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation, his “pre-pillar” based on the concepts of Marshall Rosenberg’s “Non-violent communication” techniques, he talks about boundaries vs. ultimatums, differentiation (ultimately it’s a “me thing,”) and goes over his way to “hold the assertive frame.” Tony also addresses handling post-argument anxiety and practicing emotional maturity. The episode aims to provide viewers with practical solutions to commonplace marital challenges and ways to navigate through them. This episode is sponsored by Tony’s updated “Magnetic Marriage” course. Sign up for his newsletter at http://tonyoverbay.com for more information. 00:00 Introduction and Background of Hudson and Bailey00:26 The Importance of Effective Communication in Relationships00:45 Understanding the Dynamics of Hudson and Bailey's Relationship01:56 A Pivotal Argument: Unpacking the Communication Breakdown05:54 The Aftermath: Dealing with Post-Argument Anxiety08:03 The Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation08:45 Addressing Hudson and Bailey's Specific Concerns12:03 Strategies for Resolving Arguments and Managing Anxiety23:06 The Role of Mindfulness in Navigating Relationship Challenges24:51 The Power of Mindfulness and Meditation25:34 Understanding the Concept of Differentiation26:12 The Role of Emotions in Communication27:52 The Importance of Objective Observations in Communication33:40 The Concept of Holding the Assertive Frame34:45 Understanding and Managing Communication Breakdowns38:01 The Role of Emotional Maturity in Relationships43:23 The Importance of Self-Reflection and Growth48:18 Conclusion and Final ThoughtsTo learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchPlease follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

Jan 15, 2024 • 50min

Rewiring Emotions: From Humor to Honesty in Therapy

Tony takes inspiration from Carolyn Steber's article, "Is Everyone Out Here Lying To Their Therapist," https://www.bustle.com/wellness/lying-to-therapist using it as a muse (and explaining what a muse is) to explore the benefits and challenges of therapy from both the client's and therapist's viewpoints. He delves into primary and secondary emotions, highlighting how humor and anger often serve as secondary emotions. Tony also unpacks the origin of the "what's wrong with me" mindset, explaining how children internalize emotions, leading to a reliance on external validation in adulthood. The episode concludes with insightful discussions on neuroplasticity, implicit memory, and the significant benefits of being honest with your therapist.00:00 Introduction and Welcome00:41 Engaging with the Audience: Social Media and Live Q&A01:58 The Power of Muse and Self-Reflection03:45 Exploring the Article: Is Everyone Lying to Their Therapist?04:07 Understanding the Role of a Therapist06:12 The Science Behind Talk Therapy14:18 The Role of Humor in Therapy17:47 Understanding Primary and Secondary Emotions24:32 Understanding Secondary Emotions24:52 Exploring Anger and Humor as Secondary Emotions25:31 The Role of Childhood Experiences in Shaping Emotions26:38 The Impact of Humor as a Coping Mechanism28:27 The Power of Neuroplasticity and Implicit Memory29:23 The Influence of Environment on Emotional Tendencies30:04 The Role of Humor in Therapy Sessions30:31 The Importance of Honesty in Therapy32:02 Understanding the Role of Validation in Therapy37:54 The Power of Neuroplasticity in Changing Emotional Responses39:57 The Role of Therapists and Coaches in Emotional Growth40:08 Understanding the Importance of Comfort and Trust in Therapy44:04 The Journey of Self-Discovery and GrowthTo learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchPlease follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

6 snips

Jan 4, 2024 • 1h 14min

"Sacred Rest” Author Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: How to Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, and Restore Your Sanity

Did you know there are several different types of rest beyond just sleeping? Coming from a 'we don’t know what we don’t know' standpoint, today’s episode has the potential to be both a game-changer and life-changing as we unveil how identifying and fulfilling these diverse types of rest can revolutionize your health, happiness, and productivity. Tony Overbay, LMFT, interviews Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith about her book 'Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity' (https://amzn.to/3TFp6GZ). They discuss the critical distinction between sleep and rest, amplified through Dr. Saundra’s 'Seven Types of Rest' framework. Dr. Saundra shares the seven types of rest she has found lacking in the lives of those she encounters in her clinical practice and research - physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, sensory, social, and creative - and explains why a deficiency in any one of these types of rest can have unfavorable effects on your health, happiness, relationships, creativity, and productivity. This episode highlights the importance of self-care and the need to become a personal health advocate. Dr. Saundra shares her experiences with burnout, which led to an emphasis on rest in her life. They discuss issues related to work-life balance and the over-reliance on screens and identify areas for enhancing rest that most people aren’t aware of. Then, Tony took Dr. Saundra’s 'rest quiz' and reviewed the results. You can find the Rest Quiz at https://www.restquiz.com/quiz/rest-quiz-test/00:00 Introduction and Personal Reflections on Sleep01:31 Historical Figures and Their Sleep Patterns02:25 The Misconceptions and Judgments Around Sleep04:11 Personal Struggles with Sleep and Introduction of Guest05:21 Taking the Rest Quiz and Discussing the Results06:29 Introduction to Dr. Saundra Dalton and Her Work06:36 Debunking Common Myths About Sleep09:10 The Importance of Different Types of Rest11:14 The Impact of Sensory Overload on Rest12:49 The Role of Spiritual Rest in Overall Wellbeing14:14 The Importance of Emotional and Social Rest36:21 The Personal Journey Towards Understanding Rest37:17 Sharing the Secret to Happiness at Work37:22 Identifying Your Rest Deficit37:46 Taking the Rest Quiz38:44 Personal Journey and Motivation40:17 Navigating the Healthcare System40:43 Taking Control of Your Health42:39 Unexpected End of Interview43:06 Bonus: Taking the Rest Quiz Live01:08:38 Interpreting the Rest Quiz Results01:12:57 Conclusion and RecommendationsPlease follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchSubscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

Dec 28, 2023 • 48min

Yes, We're Talking New Year’s Resolutions (and Goals, and Kale) – But Stick with Me, It's Not What You Think!

Tony addresses why so many New Year’s resolutions don’t last and explores the concept of value-based goals and the importance of aligning them with personal values for the sake of authenticity and lasting change. He discusses the shortcomings of the SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound) goal-setting method. He plays clips from an interview with his friend Neal Hooper about their discoveries on incorporating Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) into the goal-setting process. Neal introduces the elements necessary for genuine progress and fulfillment - the 'why' and 'how' of making SMARTER goals. Drawing from the principles of ACT and illustrating through the story of the client “Jason’s” transformational journey, he emphasizes the significance of acceptance, committed action, and psychological flexibility. The episode also points out the need to view setbacks as opportunities for growth, not pitfalls, and illustrates the importance of flexibility in goal setting.00:00 Introduction: The Struggle with Traditional Goal-Setting01:27 Meet the Host: Tony Overbay and His Podcasts03:11 The Problem with New Year's Resolutions06:48 The SMART Goals Method: An Overview08:21 Jason's Story: A Case Study in Goal Setting09:27 The Limitations of SMART Goals: Jason's Experience14:26 The Shift to Values-Driven Goals15:00 Jason's Transformation: Embracing a Holistic Approach22:27 Conclusion: The Power of Mindfulness and Acceptance in Goal Setting23:01 Challenges and Old Habits23:24 Acceptance and Compassion in Change24:10 The Power of Small Victories24:42 Aligning Goals with Personal Values25:13 The Pitfalls of Yo-Yo Dieting25:42 The Pushup Challenge: A Personal Journey26:25 Embracing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy27:27 The Power of Daily Commitment29:56 The Importance of Why and How in Goal Setting30:22 The Role of Shame in Goal Setting30:56 The Problem with Traditional Goal Setting31:19 The Importance of Perceived Value and Capability in Goals34:36 The Power of Smarter Goals41:58 The Misconception of Committed Action43:25 The Role of Setbacks in Growth44:14 Embracing Discomfort and Doubt44:42 Conclusion: The Power of ACT PrinciplesFind all the latest links to podcasts, courses, Tony's newsletter, and more at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchPlease follow Tony’s new Waking Up to Narcissism Instagram account here https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

Dec 25, 2023 • 42min

Self-Awareness: 95% Of People Think They Are, But Only 15% Actually Are - Unveiling Emotional Intelligence

Research shows that 95% of adults believe they are self-aware, yet only 10-15% actually are. Where do you fit into this equation? Tony delves into the world of emotional intelligence, and how your emotions shape your reactions, and how that can negatively or positively impact your relationships. From personal anecdotes, including a delayed flight and a lucid dreaming experience, Tony illustrates the importance of self-awareness and emotional management. The episode comprehensively explores emotional intelligence, highlighting its impact on personal relationships, leadership, and self-perception. Tony discusses the four critical components of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management, emphasizing the foundational role of self-awareness in recognizing emotional triggers and responding thoughtfully in challenging situations.This episode goes beyond theory, intertwining personal stories, client experiences, and research findings to reveal the transformative power of emotional intelligence in both personal and professional settings. Tony invites listeners to embrace discomfort as a catalyst for growth, emphasizing continuous self-reflection and intentional efforts to enhance emotional intelligence. He also touches on the influence of emotional intelligence in leadership and workplace dynamics, underscoring its value in effective team collaboration and conflict resolution. With a focus on empathy and effective emotion management, Tony's insights serve as a compelling call to action, encouraging individuals to cultivate these skills for improved well-being and success in an increasingly complex and interconnected world.Find all the latest links to podcasts, courses, Tony's newsletter, and more at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchTony mentioned the Instagram account https://www.instagram.com/thesecurerelationship/Please follow Tony’s new Waking Up to Narcissism Instagram account here https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

Nov 13, 2023 • 1h 11min

It’s a Me Thing, Dang It! - Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships From Changing Their Diapers to (Hopefully!) Them Changing Yours

Have you ever wished for a better relationship with your parents? As a parent, do you worry that how you're raising your kids now might make them feel disconnected from you as adults? Where does one start laying the foundation to ensure a healthy parent-child relationship into adulthood? Today, Tony delves deep into these pressing questions, offering insightful answers and practical guidance.Tony discusses the intricate dynamics between parents and their adult children. We explore themes of non-judgmental observation, the crucial role of patience and consistent effort, the art of practicing acceptance, and the importance of self-compassion in mending and strengthening these relationships. Tony sheds light on the common pitfalls of making judgments and assumptions, urging parents to empathize with their children's experiences without imposing their perspectives. The episode emphasizes the parent's role as the primary agent of change, highlighting that while we cannot erase the past, we can certainly start a new, more hopeful chapter. ‘We can't erase the past, but it's okay to start a new chapter, one where growth is possible, and the relationship can find a new form,’ Tony notes, encapsulating the message of hope and resilience.Listeners will discover actionable steps for parents, including the power of self-reflection, acknowledging past hurts, reaching out consistently without pressure, and nurturing self-compassion and patience. The episode also discusses the therapeutic approach of writing a letter to acknowledge a child's experiences to promote understanding and healing. This conversation is about repairing relationships and transforming them through empathy, understanding, and a committed, patient journey toward healing and growth. Tune in for an enlightening exploration of how to nurture and heal the complex yet beautiful connections between parents and their adult children, making this episode a must-listen for anyone looking to deepen and improve these essential relationships in their life.Find all the latest links to podcasts, courses, Tony's newsletter, and more at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchTony mentioned the Instagram account https://www.instagram.com/thesecurerelationship/Please follow Tony’s new Waking Up to Narcissism Instagram account here https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

Oct 30, 2023 • 1h 1min

Processing the Unthinkable: Hours After Lewiston, Maine Neighborhood Mass Murder

Last Wednesday evening, October 25, 2023, Tony Overbay, LMFT, and Joshua Shea traded text messages as they often do on Wednesday to discuss whether or not they were going to meet virtually early Thursday morning as they continue to work on various projects around their best-selling book, “He’s a Porn Addict Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions.” The text conversations took an abrupt turn as Josh was alerted by an emergency broadcast on his phone and through social media that 40-year-old Maine National Guard reservist Robert Card went on two shooting rampages, killing 18 people and wounding 13 with the second only a mile away from Shea's home in Lewiston, Maine. Several days later, Josh and Tony get together to attempt to navigate the complex emotional landscape of discussing such a horrifying event, underscoring the importance of approaching the subject with the utmost sensitivity, empathy, and respect. Tony and Josh dive deep into Shea's personal experiences during the incident and its aftermath. As a former news reporter, Shea candidly shares the surreal emotional and psychological journey he took, contrasting his past experiences running towards crises as part of his job to now sheltering at home in fear and uncertainty. Shea reveals the emotional rollercoaster he's been on: from survivor guilt and concern for his family's safety to the struggles of processing such an immense tragedy, including what the future looks like when an event that we hear about unfortunately far too often actually happens in an area that you know so well. The conversation touches on the psychological toll of collective traumatic experiences, like 9/11 and the COVID-19 pandemic, and the long-lasting effects they have on individuals and entire communities.The episode wraps up with insightful conversations around coping mechanisms and the critical importance of mental health support in the wake of traumatic events. This episode serves as a sobering but necessary dialogue on the unpredictable nature of life and the importance of mental and emotional preparedness while understanding that everybody has their own experience and that there truly is no “correct” way to grieve. It's an episode that invites the audience not just to hear but to listen, reflect, and possibly find solace in shared human experiences.Please visit Tony's linktree to find out more about his various other projects or to sign up for his mailing list to get the latest on courses, podcasts, and more https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch

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