Life Examined

This week Esther Perel, psychotherapist, bestselling author and the host of the podcast “Where Should We Begin?” talks about a sexual recession. Perel says that compared with previous generations Gen Z is having less sex and becoming increasingly isolated - and the more time spent online is resulting in less time spent on the skills, experience or patience that help make a relationship work. This episode with Esther Perel was originally broadcast September 8th, 2024

If you feel like we’re living in an era marked by increased mistrust, political tension, and cynicism — you’re not alone, research confirms this shift. Research shows that in 1972, half of Americans believed that most people were trustful. By 2018, the percentage had fallen to only a third.  The rise in distrust and cynicism is a central theme in the book Hope for Cynics: The Surprising Science of Human Goodness, by Stanford psychologist Jamil Zaki. Zaki explains that cynicism is not just human nature, it is directly impacted by our environment. “If you look across both space and time, inequality and cynicism track one another,” Zaki says. “So in more unequal nations, states, and counties people trust each other a lot less. In times that have been more unequal, people have generally trusted each other a lot less than during more egalitarian times.” What we hear in the media on a daily basis also feeds our fears and disillusionment, fostering distrust. “There's something known as ‘mean world syndrome,’” Zaki continues. “The more that people tune into the news, whether it's on their phones, on the radio, on television — the worse they think people are. You might go the realist route and say, ‘well, yeah, because they're informed.’ But it turns out that the more that people tune into the news, the more wrong they are about others.”  Zaki, who also directs the Stanford Social Neuroscience Lab, explains that there’s some science pointing to the fact that cynicism can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. “Human beings are psychologically adaptive, we are molded by our environment,” Zaki says. “And so if you're in an environment where it feels like people can't trust each other, where people have to look out only for themselves, then you will become mistrustful. You will become more selfish.” Tania Israel, professor of counseling psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and author of Facing the Fracture: How to Navigate the Challenges of Living in a Divided Nation, says the remedy for dealing with people we don’t agree with is not to disengage or set boundaries. Instead, she suggests a three-pronged approach to bring about a less contentious dialogue. First, to reduce our consumption of negativity from our phones and TV. Second, broaden our own capacity for understanding and empathizing. For example, Israel says: “We so seldom say, ‘here's what I'm thinking, these are the limits of my understanding. What am I missing?’ And really inviting something that's outside of what we have been focusing on in terms of information or narrative.”   Finally, Israel advocates for engaging with your community — participating and demonstrating that you are open. “Not to say that we need to change our minds,” Israel points out. “Or not to say that we need to agree with where that other person is coming from, but to always want to know where they're coming from. More is a great stance to be in.”   Delve deeper into life, philosophy, and what makes us human by joining the Life Examined discussion group on Facebook.

This week Robin Stern, psychoanalyst, and author of “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life,” talks about gaslight effect.  What to watch for in a relationship or perhaps with a manager, coworker or doctor and how to succesfully navigate the feelings of invalidation that accompany that behavior.   This episode with Robin Stern was originally broadcast July 14th 2024  

Few people offer greater insight, sensitivity, and expertise on human relationships and sexuality than Esther Perel. Born and raised in Belgium, Perel’s studies took her from Hebrew University in Jerusalem, to the United States where she built a career in couples and family therapy. Today, she is internationally acclaimed for her profound insights into eroticism and intimacy. She’s an author and the host of the popular podcast “Where Should We Begin?”  The exploration of human sexual desire is as complex as it sounds. Our ideas of intimacy are varied and sex today can be measurable and perfunctory. “[It’s] often seen as an act, something you do,” says Perel. “How often do you do it? How many? How hard, how long? How frequent?”  But desire and the erotic is a quality of aliveness and vitality, distinct from sexuality. “You don't measure eroticism,” Perel continues. “It's a quality of experience, but you know when you feel it.”  Eroticism is: “Sexuality transformed by the human imagination. It's infinite. It's surrounded by ritual, by celebration, and it's often transgressive. It's often lured by the forbidden. A lot of it is actually in our head and between our ears… not necessarily between our legs.” Perel tells us that the key ingredients are “curiosity, playfulness, mystery, imagination” … “the forbidden elicits curiosity, and the curiosity activates the imagination.”  Perel argues that we need to do more than just recognize and celebrate this as a wonderful part of who we are. “[Our] core emotional needs are expressed in the coded language of sexuality. Sex is never just something you do. Sex is a place you go.”  Esther Perel’s latest project, which she calls her “Desire Bundle,” features two online courses: Bringing Desire Back and Playing with Desire. They launch later this September. Esther Perel’s An Evening With Esther Perel: The Future of Relationships, Love & Desire is currently on tour. See her live at the YouTube Theater in Los Angeles on September 10th. More info here. Delve deeper into life, philosophy, and what makes us human by joining the Life Examined discussion group on Facebook.

*This episode originally aired on January 28, 2023. Jonathan Bastian talks with Harvard Medical School Professor of Psychiatry Robert Waldinger about his latest book, “The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness.” Waldinger is also director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the home of the world’s longest-running studies on happiness. The project has followed 724 men — ranging from “Harvard sophomores to inner-city Boston boys” — and their subsequent spouses and families, since 1938, and now encompasses three generations of people.  Waldinger says that although there is no blood test for happiness, researchers are able to examine and evaluate happiness from various angles.  “We ask people, ‘Are you happy? How happy are you?’ We also ask other people, their partners, their kids and follow their work lives,” he explains, adding that psychologist Sonya Lubomirski calculated that “about 50% of our happiness is determined by inborn factors, about 10% is determined by what our life circumstances are right now, and the remaining 40% is under our control.”  What was the surprise discovery from the study?  While it’s important to look after your health, eat right, and exercise, the most significant impact on happiness, Walindger says, was that “the quality of our relationships predicts who's gonna be happy and healthy as they get older … one of the most important things we need is a person who we know will be there for us in times of stress.” Delve deeper into life, philosophy, and what makes us human by joining the Life Examined discussion group on Facebook. Later, Jonathan Bastian speaks with Cassie Holmes, author of “Happier Hour: How to Beat Distraction, Expand Your Time, and Focus on What Matters Most,” about maintaining a happy lifestyle. Time, Holmes says, isn’t just the problem — it’s the solution.  “Time is so important, because how we spend the hours of our days sum up to the years of our lives,” she explains. “And as we're looking to feel happier in our days and about our lives, it's crucial to understand how we invest this resource of time and to make the most of the time that we have.” Holmes offers some tools and tips on being happier and how to harness time towards doing so. She encourages people to “actually track their own time, write down what they are doing and rate coming out of that activity, on a 10 point scale, how they feel,” she says. “That will allow you to pick up on whether those ways of connecting and socializing are truly satisfying and truly fulfilling.”   

*This episode originally aired on October 25, 2023. This week, economist and author of “Wild Problems: A Guide to the Decisions That Define Us,” Russ Roberts offers a different perspective and approach to tackling some of life’s biggest challenges and decisions.

According to Chaplain Devin Sean Moss, death “informs how we live.” The idea of impermanence —the notion that everything is in a constant state of flux— and a “meditation on finitude,” Moss suggests, is a  “cheat code of sorts to making deliberate and intentional decisions and forces the hand of what are my values…to know what my core is about.”    For most people,  the subject and contemplation of death and dying is hardly a source of inpiration. We fill our lives  with work, travel,  and spending time with friends and family. These are life affirming activities to keep our minds from wandering too far down to our inevitable end.  For Devin Moss, confronting death has been both equally a sobering  and inspiring journey. As a Humanist Chaplain, Devin Moss forged a year-long bond with Phillip Hancock who was executed by the state of Oklahoma for a double murder. Moss’s experience was chronicled by the New York Times and the subject of an earlier Life Examined. More: Facing death without God: Spiritual care in the final hours of a death row inmate Today, Moss writes and hosts the podcast The Adventures of Memento Mori in which he explores the science, mysticism, culture, and mystery of death. Moss regularly grapples with his own mortality and says its a mistake for our culture to shy away from the topic - “the inability to talk about it on a societal level has very harmful byproducts.” Moss suggests that the message society perpetuates is that there is a misunderstanding of what it means to be finite, and that “everything is limitless.”   And when it comes to death itself, Moss urges listeners not to be deterred by fear or not knowing what to do or say. “Just be okay with the unknown and do all that you can do to make it about the other person, to heck with being good at it or knowing what you're doing.” For Moss, it’ss “the ability, not what I can learn from this person as they pass, but more like, how can I ensure that their passing is maintained as a sacred act within a sacred space.”  Delve deeper into life, philosophy, and what makes us human by joining the Life Examined discussion group on Facebook.

This week James Danckert, psychology professor at the University of Waterloo in Ontario and co-author of “Out of My Skull: The Psychology of Boredom,” provides some tips for parents to deal with kids who say they are bored.  As boredom is a natural occurrence, Danckert advises parents not to over schedule their kids or find things to keep them busy. Instead, whenever they can, parents should stand back more and allow their kids to take more agency in how to navigate being bored.    This segment with James Danckert is from an upcoming episode of Life Examined.

Finding an ideal partner can be an elusive quest. Over the past three decades, attitudes on relationship roles and dynamics have shifted. Thanks to online dating, people of all ages have the opportunity to cast a wider net, expanding their horizons and redefining their expectations.  The journey doesn't stop at finding a partner; maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship is the ultimate goal. As challenges arise, seeking support from a therapist before issues become deeply rooted can prove to be one of the most effective ways to foster a lasting connection. 

When it comes to relationships, a friendship can hold a far more nuanced and significant place in our hearts, than perhaps we fully appreciate. The Platonic relationship, an ideal talked about by the ancient Greek Philosopher Plato, recognizes the existence of a closeness of mind and soul between two people, absent of any physical attraction. This kind of affection and tenderness is captured in letters and stories throughout history — friendships that have been as deep and intimate, meaningful, and powerful as any romantic relationship, and, says author Raina Cohen, “friendships could be the thing that makes life feel full and complete.”