Rediscovering sexual desire and eroticism with Esther Perel

Sep 8, 2024

Esther Perel, a renowned couples therapist and author, delves into the intricate world of eroticism and intimacy. She argues that eroticism transcends mere sexual activity; it thrives on imagination, curiosity, and playfulness. Perel critiques the limitations of porn and how it fails as sexual education, linking modern isolation to a decline in intimacy. She offers insights into rekindling desire in long-term relationships, emphasizing novelty and communication. Ultimately, she advocates for celebrating the rich tapestry of human erotic experience.

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INSIGHT

Eroticism Is Imagination, Not Mechanics

Eroticism is a quality of aliveness shaped by imagination, not merely sexual acts.
You know eroticism when you feel it, and it cannot be measured like frequency or duration.

INSIGHT

Sex Became A Language For Emotional Needs

Modern sexuality shifted from duty to pleasure and sovereignty of desire after contraception and social changes.
Sex became a coded language for core emotional needs like closeness, surrender, and transcendence.

INSIGHT

Porn Bypasses Desire, Delivers Arousal

Pornography bypasses desire by delivering arousal without negotiation, rejection, or vulnerability.
People consume porn for psychological plots that solve sexual vulnerabilities like fear of rejection or performance anxiety.

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Few people offer greater insight, sensitivity, and expertise on human relationships and sexuality than Esther Perel.

Born and raised in Belgium, Perel’s studies took her from Hebrew University in Jerusalem, to the United States where she built a career in couples and family therapy. Today, she is internationally acclaimed for her profound insights into eroticism and intimacy. She’s an author and the host of the popular podcast “Where Should We Begin?”

The exploration of human sexual desire is as complex as it sounds. Our ideas of intimacy are varied and sex today can be measurable and perfunctory. “[It’s] often seen as an act, something you do,” says Perel. “How often do you do it? How many? How hard, how long? How frequent?”

But desire and the erotic is a quality of aliveness and vitality, distinct from sexuality. “You don't measure eroticism,” Perel continues. “It's a quality of experience, but you know when you feel it.”

Eroticism is: “Sexuality transformed by the human imagination. It's infinite. It's surrounded by ritual, by celebration, and it's often transgressive. It's often lured by the forbidden. A lot of it is actually in our head and between our ears… not necessarily between our legs.”

Perel tells us that the key ingredients are “curiosity, playfulness, mystery, imagination” … “the forbidden elicits curiosity, and the curiosity activates the imagination.”

Perel argues that we need to do more than just recognize and celebrate this as a wonderful part of who we are. “[Our] core emotional needs are expressed in the coded language of sexuality. Sex is never just something you do. Sex is a place you go.”

Esther Perel’s latest project, which she calls her “Desire Bundle,” features two online courses: Bringing Desire Back and Playing with Desire. They launch later this September.

Esther Perel’s An Evening With Esther Perel: The Future of Relationships, Love & Desire is currently on tour. See her live at the YouTube Theater in Los Angeles on September 10th. More info here.

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