Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Cathy Carroll is a leadership coach specializing in family businesses. We talk about her brand-new book – the title says it all. Hug of War: How to Lead a Family Business With Both Love and Logic. You can learn more about Cathy’s work and her book here: https://www.legacyonward.com/.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.  

Structure – of some kind – is an essential element of a model or framework. How would flexibility work without structure? I doubt that you would call it flexibility – the very word suggests a change from something. If there weren’t something solid to start, how could you change from it? It wouldn’t be flexibility then – just confusion, chaos, indecision, meandering, fog.  But models, frameworks, processes provide the structure that flexibility requires. Structure without flexibility? That’s also too much of a good thing. Rigid, unwavering, cookie-cutter approaches? They also invite failure.Not a spoiler alert, but a hint and a heads-up: stayed tuned for more in the coming weeks about polarities – such as structure and flexibility. Like looking at structure and flexibility as concepts to view in harmony, not in conflict. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Paul Edelman talks with me about how he works with clients to make more informed decisions, generating better results. We discuss his proprietary COImpact model, a process for better decision-making. Paul used his experience in a variety of settings to create the Context, Outcomes, Implications, and Action model – considering what he had seen to work well … and not so well. You can learn more about Paul’s work here: https://www.edelmancoaching.com/  You can email him here: paul@edelmancoaching.com and call him here: 508.847.5300.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Our emotions affect the emotions of the person we are talking to in times of stress or conflict. It’s a two-way street.  Wildly oversimplifying the neuroscience of it: when we are physically near each other, we are picking up on the hormones that the other person is experiencing.If only one of us steps aside from the negative emotions, it can have a positive effect on the other person. When I’m calmer, you are calmer. When you are calmer, I am calmer. You can think of it as breaking the negative cycle. Or, reorienting the cycle from negative to positive. You don’t need the other person to agree for you to be calmer. You don’t need to name it. By all means, do not say: “Just calm down!”  Just focus on calming yourself. As you do, you will be able to reap the benefits directly and the other person, indirectly.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

My most recent guest, Natalie McVeigh, talked with me about the neuroscience of stress and conflict. Here’s one excellent idea to highlight from our conversation. To paraphrase:There’s a lot of research on stress, and this one conclusion is key --It’s not the stimuli, it’s our response to those stimuli.First step, be aware. What am I feeling? Is my body telling me that I am stressed? Second step, try to understand what about that stimulus is stressing you. What is the perceived threat? Figuring that out may take a moment. So, buy some time. Take a breath. As a few minutes pass, you are allowing your body to calm itself. Ask a question, calmly. Ask more. Get some clarification. Try to unearth what stressed you.  To get to a place where your body drops down from high alert to a calmer place.A place where you can then be able to more easily say and do things that will serve you better and will not invite or exacerbate unnecessary negative conflict.  Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Natalie McVeigh joins me to talk about her interest in the study of neuroscience of stress and conflict and how she uses what she continues to learn about human brains, emotions, and stimuli in her work with families as a coach, consultant, and mediator. And she helps to bust a few brain myths. Here are some key points Natalie made: perception is everything. When we think about conflict we should focus not on the stimuli (which can very rarely control), but on our response to stimuli. We are 100% irrational. Our beliefs follow our behavior.Natalie recommended two books by Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett: How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain andSeven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. She also mentioned Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer.Find her on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nataliemcveigh/Find Natalie at EisnerAmper here: https://www.eisneramper.com/about-us/professional-directory/natalie-mcveigh/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.  

My perceptions are mine and yours are yours. Nothing will change that fundamental fact. Our perceptions are – logically and inevitably – deeply affected by our experiences, assumptions, and expectations. When we see important things in deeply different ways, we have options. We can take a more positive approach.First, we can recognize and accept that we have different perceptions. Second, we can work to avoid the risk of damage to the relationship that comes with immediately assuming that our perception is necessarily better in some way than the other person’s. Third, we can be open to more deeply understanding the other person’s perceptions.We may find that one or both of us can be influenced by new information and more easily value other viewpoints. We may start to see things a little differently. Even if we don’t, we can move toward respect that these varied perceptions are present, they are unique, and they will have a vital role to play in whether disagreements become creative, good conflict or damaging, bad conflict. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Here are some free resources to learn about conflict: Association for Conflict Resolution is here: https://acrnet.org/Its Greater New York Chapter (ACR-GNY) can be found here: https://www.acrgny.org/ You can sign up for their monthly roundtable and find recordings of past roundtables there. The NYC-DR listserv has a wide range of posts. To join this listserv, or to sign up for the digest [i.e. one email daily], go to: http://listserver.jjay.cuny.edu/. To access listserv archives, go to: http://listserver.jjay.cuny.edu/archives/nyc-dr.html. Please register the first time you access the archives. For additional assistance contact the list administrator, Prof. Maria Volpe of John Jay College at: mvolpe@jjay.cuny.edu, 212-237-8693.You can find Mediate.com here: https://mediate.com/The Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School can be found here:https://www.pon.harvard.edu/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Blaine Donais joins me to talk about a different definition of “conflict”. Blaine suggests that conflict is a perceived injurious event. We break down the three parts of that phrase and what they mean in practice, particularly in the workplace. Blaine mentions some excellent resources that inform his work:“The Emergence and Transformation of Disputes: Naming, Blaming, Claiming”, article by Bill Felstiner, Rick Abel, and Austin Sarat"Social Conflict: Escalation, Stalemate, and Settlement", book by Dean Pruitt, Jeffrey Rubin,and Sung Hee Kim"Getting Disputes Resolved: Designing Systems to Cut the Costs of Conflict", book by William L. Ury, Jeanne M. Brett, and Stephen B. Goldberg"Designing Conflict Management Systems: A Guide to Creating Productive and Healthy Organizations", book by Cathy A. Costantino and Christina Sickles Merchant"Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most", book by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila HeenTo contact Blaine and learn more about his work, visit: Workplace Fairness International, https://workplacefairness.ca/ .Blaine’s June 6, 2024, online roundtable breakfast presentation for the Greater New York Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution is “The EvolvingWorld Of Workplace Conflict Management”. Register for free here:https://acrgny.org/event-5727648. Later, you can access his presentation (and many others) in the ACR-GNY roundtable archives, here: https://acrgny.org/RTB-Videos. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.  

When we are faced with a situation – one that isn’t a problem at all but easily could become one, or is simmering, or volcanic, or somewhere on that spectrum – we may choose to do nothing about it. That’s a choice.  Denial – refusal to admit that conflict is possible or currently exists – is not the same. It’s hard to see any circumstance in which denial is a good plan. Why choose to do nothing? Maybe it’s not worth it to me to act because – on balance – the cost of doing something outweighs the cost of doing nothing. Another variation? Substitute “risk” for “cost”.If I risk nothing with my refusal to bend or even engage, heck, why would I? Inaction is a good choice. Life is dynamic. Priorities change. Perspectives evolve. And the circumstances beyond our control can move in directions we never anticipated at speeds that surprise us. We might see the costs – or risks—of inaction tipping the balance toward action. Costs or risks that can be financial, reputational, emotional, health-related, involve harm to others we care about, or appear in any number of other ways.  And then, the choice to do nothing may lose its appeal.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.