Nope! We're Not Monogamous

What happens when you go from 26 years in a sexless marriage… to a full-blown sexual awakening in your 50s? This week, I’m joined by Xanet Pailet — a former healthcare lawyer turned tantra teacher, somatic sex coach, and the author of Living an Orgasmic Life.We’re talking about:How she went from disconnected and dissociated… to having the best sex of her life in her 60sWhy pleasure is your birthright (and what to do if that feels impossible right now)Why communication matters more than rules — and what healthy sex agreements can actually look likeHow trauma, disconnection, and shame keep people stuck in unsatisfying sex livesXanet’s year-long throuple experience (including a very helpful metamour 👀)How to figure out what you want in non-monogamy, even if it’s not what your partner wantsWhat to do when pleasure feels really far awayIf you’ve ever felt broken, stuck, or too late for good sex and real intimacy — this one is gonna hit. There’s so much wisdom here for midlife lovers, non-monogamous folks, and anyone healing their relationship to pleasure.🔗 Links + Resources: Get Xanet’s free gift: 10 Ways to Reignite Your Relationship Book a private retreat with Xanet: passionateintimacyretreats.com Follow us on Patreon for bonus content like “Just the Tip”: patreon.com/notmonogamous🎧 Listen now and let yourself feel what’s possible.Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Tired of misunderstandings, silent resentment, or agreements that leave you feeling unseen?In this episode, we unpack the real difference between collaboration and compromise—and how building intentional, values-based agreements in non-monogamy can transform your relationships.💬 Because assuming = conflict waiting to happen.💛 Collaboration = connection, clarity, and care.What You’ll Learn:✔️ Why Assumptions Create Emotional Landmines And how to avoid them with clear, compassionate communication.✔️ The Difference Between True Collaboration & Self-Sacrifice Spoiler: Giving up what matters to you isn’t love—it’s burnout waiting to happen.✔️ 5 Practical Steps to Create Solid Agreements From identifying shared values to scheduling regular check-ins that actually work.✔️ How Cultural Conditioning Shapes Our Agreements Learn to spot and dismantle the “martyr mindset” many of us were raised with.✔️ Real Stories, Real Struggles, Real Solutions Hear personal and client experiences where agreement-making went wrong—and how they turned it around.Whether you're just opening your relationship or years into non-monogamy…This episode will give you tools to stop guessing, start asking, and co-create a love that honors everyone involved.Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Do you ever feel like you’re doing everything right in your open or polyamorous relationship—and yet still crumble inside the moment your partner connects with someone else? In this honest and unfiltered episode, I explore what real self-love looks like in non-monogamous relationships—especially when comparison, jealousy, and insecurity hit hard. 🎙️We talk about:Why affirmations fail when your body’s in panic modeHow comparison is actually a survival responsePatriarchal conditioning + why it fuels competitionWhat real self-love looks like when you feel triggeredHow to support your nervous system when jealousy hits “Self-love isn’t about perfection. It’s about staying with yourself when things feel messy.” 💜 Want to go deeper?Join Beyond Compare—my 4-week group coaching program for non-monogamous women who are ready to stop spiraling and start feeling safe, confident, and grounded.🕓 Starts May 28 | Early bird ends soon👉 https://www.elleciapaine.com/compareSend us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

What happens when a long-term couple invites a third person into their relationship—and it doesn’t go as planned?In this raw and revealing episode, I sit down with six-time Emmy-nominated TV producer Jeff Hudson to talk about his memoir Deconstructing Us: My Trouble with a Throuple. Jeff shares what it was like to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of a throuple, how jealousy blindsided him, and why non-monogamy cracked him wide open—in the best and worst ways.We explore:Why three-person relationships are emotional rocket fuelHow jealousy shows up even when you're experienced in open relationshipsThe difference between love and compatibilityIdentity shifts that come with loving outside the boxWhy breakdowns in love can lead to breakthroughs in self-awarenessWhether you're polyam-curious, actively non-monogamous, or just fascinated by the complexity of modern love—this conversation will challenge and expand how you think about commitment, identity, and connection.📘 Grab Jeff’s book: "Deconstructing Us: My Trouble with a Throuple", available now on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

You know you’re enough—but the second your partner mentions her, the spiral starts. Sound familiar?In this honest, grounding episode, I break down the real costs of comparison in non-monogamous relationships—like the way it quietly erodes your presence, self-trust, and peace.You’ll hear:Why “knowing better” doesn’t stop the spiralHow patriarchy conditions us to compete—even in open dynamicsWhat comparison really steals from youAnd the exact reframe and tools that help you come back to yourself💭 “They’re not my rival. They’re a reflection of what’s possible.”This episode is your invitation to stop shrinking and start showing up for yourself—even when the spiral hits.Ready for deeper support? Join Beyond Compare, my group coaching program for non-monogamous women. We turn awareness into embodied confidence. 👉https://www.elleciapaine.com/compareSend us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Navigating non-monogamy can stir up some BIG emotions—especially jealousy. But what if jealousy wasn’t something to fight against... but a tool for deeper connection?In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Emma Smith, licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist, to talk about:✨ How to create emotional safety plans when opening a relationship ✨ The difference between healthy boundaries and rigid rules ✨ Why jealousy isn’t the enemy—and how it can guide your growth ✨ Tips for crafting relationship agreements that actually work for you"Boundaries are about care, they're about safety. They are about being grounded in your love and respect for another person." — Dr. Emma SmithIf you're exploring non-monogamy (or just want stronger, healthier connections), this conversation is packed with real talk and practical strategies you’ll want to come back to.🎧 Listen now and start rewriting the rules on love, safety, and emotional connection.👉 Connect with Dr. Emma Smith https://www.instagram.com/emmasmithphd/👉 Get the bonus "Just the Tip" from Dr. Emma by joining us on Patreon!Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Ever wondered if you can learn to feel compersion instead of jealousy? Or if talking about opening up your relationship means you're actually ready to do it? This episode dives deep into these questions and more!I'm joined by Ally Iseman, a certified relationship coach and founder of Passport to Pleasure. Ally brings her unique blend of humor, compassion, and practical tools to help couples navigate the complexities of non-monogamy.In this episode, we explore:Why "conversation is lubrication" and how to make it work for youReframing jealousy (even the hot kind!) as a tool for growthThe value of understanding consensual non-monogamy, regardless of your relationship styleAlly's step-by-step method for moving through jealousyHow to know if your relationship is truly ready to open upKey Takeaways:Compersion vs. Jealousy: Ally shares her personal journey from experiencing what she thought was jealousy to realizing it was actually compersion.The NERD OUT Method: Learn Ally's unique technique for transforming jealousy into a mindful, growth-oriented experience.Effective Communication: Discover the crucial difference between clear communication and effective communication in relationships.Curiosity Over Conviction: Why approaching non-monogamy with genuine curiosity is more powerful than trying to convince your partner.Whether you're actively practicing non-monogamy, considering it, or simply curious about different relationship styles, this conversation offers valuable insights for everyone. Ally's approach emphasizes personal growth, effective communication, and creating relationships that truly work for you – no matter what form they take.Ready to explore if your relationship is prepared for non-monogamy? Take Ally's free Relationship Ratio quiz at  www.passport2pleasure.com/ratio to get started on your journey.And check out Ally's Substack https://allyiseman.substack.com/Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Struggling with comparison in your non-monogamous relationship?Whether it’s jealousy, insecurity, or spiraling thoughts when your partner mentions someone new—you’re not alone, and you’re not broken.In this episode, we explore why comparison shows up in polyamory and non-monogamy, how it impacts your nervous system, and what you can do to stop the spiral and build emotional safety.You’ll learn:Why comparison hits hard in non-monogamy (even when you “know better”)How internalized patriarchy and survival instincts fuel insecurityGrounding tools to manage triggers in real-timeDaily practices to rebuild self-trust and self-worthHow to reframe your value beyond your partner’s other connections💛 Ready to reclaim your peace and confidence in non-monogamy?Join the Beyond Compare confidence program waitlist here → https://elleciapaine.podia.com/beyondcompareSend us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

If you’ve ever struggled with mismatched desires, defining commitment with a partner, or navigating the messier side of non-monogamy — this episode is for you.In this candid conversation, I talk with Dr. Tammy Nelson, sexologist, therapist, TEDx speaker, and author of Open Monogamy. With 35+ years of experience working with couples in both monogamous and open relationships, Tammy brings a nuanced lens to everything from sexual boredom and emotional disconnection to jealousy, relationship fatigue, and the evolving nature of commitment.We explore:Why mismatched desires and “monogamy gaps” show up even in non-monogamyHow open relationships can become more intimate — not less — when built on clarityTools for navigating jealousy, initiating hard conversations, and honoring shifting needsThe danger of jumping to a solution before naming the real problemWhy fantasy, communication, and appreciation matter more than frequency or rules🛠️ Relationship Tools You’ll Walk Away With:How to co-create a flexible relationship agreement (that actually works)A framework for checking in when needs or desires changeWhat to say when your partner reacts with fear or defensivenessWhy shared language (and revisiting your agreements) matters more than labelsTammy’s insights offer a refreshing, non-shaming perspective for anyone doing the work of building relationships that actually fit. Whether you're deep in your ENM journey or just refining your agreements, there’s something in here for you.Curious to learn more? Check out Dr. Tammy Nelson's book, "Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement," and visit her website at https://www.drtammynelson.com/ for additional resources and insights. Mention this episode to get her free download: 100 Questions for Your Monogamy AgreementSend us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

When I was invited to interview someone from Ashley Madison, I hesitated. My first instinct was judgment — but then I realized, that’s the same kind of stigma people apply to non-monogamy all the time.This powerful conversation with Paul Keable, Chief Strategy Officer at Ashley Madison, dives deep into the complex, often misunderstood world of infidelity, emotional disconnection, and unmet needs in long-term relationships.🔍 This episode is NOT about promoting cheating — it’s about understanding why it happens.🔑 What We Cover in This Episode:💔 Why People Cheat: The surprising (and often deeply emotional) reasons people seek connection outside their marriage — and it’s not always about sex.🧠 Emotional vs. Physical Needs: Paul shares data from Ashley Madison showing that over 60% of women on the platform report being in sexless or orgasm-less relationships, while many men are searching for emotional validation more than physical release.📖 The Infidelity Education Gap: How inadequate sex education and cultural silence around pleasure leave many people feeling unfulfilled and unable to communicate their needs.❤️ Compassionate Affairs & the Grey Area of Cheating: Can infidelity actually save a marriage? We explore the idea of "compassionate affairs" and what happens when people cheat because they don’t want to leave — they just want to feel alive again.😶‍🌫️ Shame, Secrecy & Communication Breakdown: How fear of judgment keeps people quiet — and how creating space for honest conversations can prevent betrayal before it happens.🎧 Listen If You’re Curious About:Why infidelity happens — even in loving marriagesHow modern relationships are evolvingThe overlap between non-monogamy, cheating, and unspoken desiresWhat it really takes to build lasting intimacy👂 Whether you're monogamous, non-monogamous, or just asking bigger questions about love and desire — this episode is for you.👍 Like, comment, and subscribe for more raw, real conversations about modern relationships, non-monogamy, and emotional truth.🧡 Ready to explore your own desires with less shame and more clarity? Work with me at www.elleciapaine.com.Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237