Nope! We're Not Monogamous

Are you stuck running relationship patterns you never consciously chose? In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m breaking down how to identify the default “rules” you inherited about love, sex, and partnership, and how to rewrite them so your relationships actually work for YOU.So many of us grew up believing myths like:“If you’re really in love, you won’t be attracted to anyone else.”“To be a good partner, you have to want everything your partner wants.”“Jealousy means love.”The problem? These defaults often create shame, confusion, and conflict in non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships.In this episode, you’ll learn the 5 steps to rewriting your relationship code so you can experience real freedom:Identify the beliefs you inherited.Question what’s actually true for YOU.Create new agreements with intention.Practice new habits until they stick.Celebrate every time you choose yourself.By the end, you’ll see how rewriting your defaults allows you to show up with more confidence, clarity, and joy in every connection.What you’ll take away from this episode:Why inherited relationship beliefs hold us back in non-monogamy.The surprising truths about love, attraction, and jealousy.Practical tools to create new agreements with your partners.How gratitude and celebration make new patterns stick.Why freedom is a daily practice, not a one-time decision.Send us a textSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Feeling anxious in a polyamorous relationship? You're not alone! Discover the roots of relationship anxiety and jealousy beyond just partner dynamics. Learn practical tools to soothe your nervous system and build emotional safety without relying solely on external reassurance. Ellecia shares how to communicate hard feelings effectively, create supportive agreements, and trust yourself amid challenging emotions. Embrace self-soothing techniques to empower your journey in non-monogamy!

Have you ever thought, “If my partner can’t meet all my needs, maybe another partner will”? In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I break down why that belief is one of the biggest traps in polyamory and open relationships.We hear it all the time in the ENM community: “No one person can meet all your needs.” That’s true, but when we take it as a free pass to collect partners to fill every emotional gap, it backfires. Instead of feeling fulfilled, we multiply our insecurities, create pressure on new relationships, and leave our existing partners feeling like they’re not enough.👉 In this episode, you’ll learn:Why seeking new partners to fill emotional needs can backfireHow to stop jealousy in polyamory and open relationshipsPractical self-care tools to create wholeness within yourselfWhy community and friendships are just as vital as romantic partnersHow to build healthier, more joyful non monogamous connectionsPolyamory isn’t about finding enough people to complete you. It’s about cultivating wholeness within yourself so every relationship becomes a choice — not a patch for what’s missing.✨ Listen now and start creating the kind of polyamorous relationships that feel sustainable, nourishing, and fun.Send us a textSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Most people think the toughest part of polyamory is jealousy. But according to Richie, it’s actually… logistics. Yep, the calendar.After a life-changing cancer journey with his partner, Richie realized that the hardest part of opening their relationship wasn’t emotions, it was managing schedules, consent, and privacy across multiple partners. With his background in software product management, he decided to do something about it, and created PYE, a scheduling and consent management app designed specifically for the polyamorous community.In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, Richie and I dig into:Why scheduling is considered an “unsolvable math problem” (and why we need more self-compassion when we feel polyunsaturated).How misunderstandings about dates, boundaries, and consent are quietly breaking relationships.The creative ways poly folks use calendars as safety tools.Why color coding, structure, and intentional planning actually free us up for more intimacy and fun.Richie’s vision for cutting down burnout and building more trusting, joyful relationships with better tools.If you’ve ever juggled multiple Google Calendars, forgotten to communicate a boundary, or lost a relationship to logistics overwhelm — this one’s for you.👉 Learn more about PYE and grab one of the free-for-life beta spots at www.lovepye.comSend us a textFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

What if midlife wasn’t the decline everyone warns you about, but a second spring?In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I sit down with Carla Wainwright, Holistic Wellness Coach, Sexual Awakening Facilitator, and self-proclaimed Midlife Alchemist. We talk about what really happens to women’s desire, relationships, and identity in midlife, and how it all ties into exploring non-monogamy, polyamory, and rewriting the love scripts we didn’t ask for.Carla shares why:🔥 Desire evolves with us (and midlife is often when it finally gets honest)🧠 Communication has to start with the nervous system, not just words🚧 Boundaries get sharper as we age, and that’s actually freedom💋 Pleasure isn’t optional; it’s medicine for hormones, libido, and vitalityWe also get real about:✔️ What non-monogamy looks like in midlife✔️ Why menopause can actually increase desire and sexual energy✔️ How pleasure and presence help regulate hormones and deepen connection✔️ Why this stage of life is a portal into power, clarity, and turn-onIf you ever think, “I don’t know what I want, but I know it isn’t this,” this conversation will remind you: you’re not broken, you were born lovable, and you get to want what you want.👉 Don’t miss Carla’s Just the Tip segment, available exclusively on Patreon at patreon.com/notmonogamous. Become a friend with benefits and get access to the spicier stuff.🔗 Resources & Links Mentioned:Connect with Carla + download The Vibrancy Guide: vibrancyreset.com or www.carlawainwright.comSupport the podcast on Patreon: patreon.com/notmonogamousSend us a textFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Curious about open relationships but tired of the Instagram highlight reel version?This episode gets real about what it actually takes to make non-monogamy work — the messy feelings, the constant negotiations, and the communication skills you didn’t know you needed until it was too late.As a relationship coach, I’ve seen the glossy fantasy and the gritty reality. Spoiler: opening your relationship isn’t a shortcut to freedom — it’s a crash course in radical honesty, emotional intelligence, and navigating fears you thought you buried years ago.Whether you’re just poly-curious or already in the thick of it, this episode will give you the clarity and tools you need to decide if non-monogamy is really for you.What You’ll Learn in This EpisodeThe different types of non-monogamy (open relationships, swinging, polyamory, relationship anarchy) and why defining your terms matters.The 4 brutal truths about open relationships, including constant renegotiation, jealousy, networked heartbreak, and social stigma.Why rejection hits different when you haven’t dated in 10+ years (hello, modern dating apps 👀).The communication skills that make non-monogamy sustainable — like weekly relationship check-ins, compersion practice, boundaries, and building a “couple bubble.”Research insights: how CNM couples report commitment and satisfaction rates on par with monogamous couples.Send us a textFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

What happens when you leave monogamy… but bring patriarchy with you?In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I sit down with Cass Banker (they/them) — a polyamorous, eXvangelical, non-binary human on a mission to deconstruct patriarchal masculinity in themselves and the world. Raised and socialized as a man for most of their life, Cass knows firsthand how entitlement, dominance, and pre-written gender scripts sneak into all kinds of relationships — yes, even ethical non-monogamy.We talk about:How patriarchy shows up in ENM (and why “polyamory” doesn’t automatically mean anti-patriarchal)The Chooser vs. Chosen dynamic and how it harms everyoneWhy polyamory can be a playground for men who speak “progressive” but live patriarchalThe ghost of patriarchal programming — and how it can haunt your sex lifeThe emotional labor trap: why your deconstruction work isn’t your partner’s jobSelf-acceptance vs. self-erasure: why shame won’t actually change youBuilding non-monogamy rooted in equity, care, and genuine loveCass also shares their own polyamory journey — the mistakes, the heartbreaks, and the moments of beauty that make it all worth it. And yes, they drop a Just the Tip bonus for better sex that will change how you listen to your partner’s body.Whether you’re new to polyamory, deep into your ENM life, or just curious how gender and power dynamics shape love, this conversation will give you language, insight, and maybe a few “ouch” moments worth sitting with.Follow Cass:TikTok: @cas_of_the_voidhttps://besafecoaching.com/Send us a textFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy with what I have? Why do I keep wanting more when I already have a ‘good’ relationship?” If that question has been looping in your head, this episode is for you. Spoiler: there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just been taught your whole life that love only “counts” if it fits in the monogamy box—even if that box is crushing you.I’m getting real about my own story—how I contorted myself in my first marriage until I barely recognized who I was, why I stayed way too long, and how my second marriage turned into something more honest, more spacious, and more us once I stopped shrinking and started telling the truth.We’re diving into:The sneaky, everyday ways self-erasure shows up in relationships.Why “compromise” isn’t the same as collaboration (and how to tell the difference).How your nervous system tries to keep you small—and how to rewire it so you can take up space.A quick grounding practice you can use before those scary, important conversations.Six tools to help you be fully yourself without automatically burning it all down.If you’ve ever thought you’re “too much” for wanting more—more love, more connection, more you—this one’s your permission slip to stop twisting yourself into a shape you don’t even recognize.Links & Resources:Join Breaking Free From Monogamy → https://www.elleciapaine.com/breakingfreeHang out with me on TikTok → http://tiktok.com/@elleciapaineShare the Love:If this episode hit home, send it to your partner, your best friend, or that one person who’s definitely tired of playing small. Let’s stop pretending everything’s fine and start talking about what love could look like when it actually fits.Send us a textSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

What happens when you grow up being told your body isn’t yours, your desires are dangerous, and your worth is tied to being someone’s “only one”… and then you finally break free?In this powerful conversation, I’m joined (again!) by Leah Carey, relationship and intimacy coach and former host of Good Girls Talk About Sex, to talk about what so many folks discover after leaving high-control environments like purity culture, religious abuse, cults, or narcissistic family systems:→ The floodgates of curiosity open—and suddenly queerness, kink, and non-monogamy are on the table.We dig into:Why exploring outside monogamy can feel like a reclamation of autonomyHow high-control systems shape our nervous systems and sexual wiring (and why “just getting over it” isn’t a thing)The sticky shame messages ex-purity-culture kids drag into adult relationships—and how to start untangling themHow non-monogamy can be a massive relief during seasons of mismatched desire (and Leah’s refreshing take on letting a meta meet your partner’s needs)Why true sexual freedom often starts with learning what your real yes and no even areIf you’ve ever thought, “Why can’t I just be normal about love and sex?” this episode will remind you—you’re not broken. You just weren’t given a roadmap. And you get to write a new one.Links & Resources:Connect with Leah: leahcarey.com  | YouTube | @XOLeahCarey on socialsLeah Carey is a Relationship and Intimacy Coach and host of the podcast Good Girls Talk About Sex, which ran from 2019-2024. In a world full of confusing and contradictory messages about intimacy and relationships, Leah helps sex make sense. Drawing on her own healing journey from fear and repression, she specializes in working with people from High-Control childhoods like Purity Culture, narcissistic abuse, cults, and other religious abuse. Regardless of your background, she works with clients to unlearn stigmas and unhealthy patterns around intimacy and communication. Her work has been featured by Buzzfeed, Yahoo, NBCThink, The Journal of Cancer Education, and more.Learn more about non-monogamy support at elleciapaine.comJoin the Nope! We’re Not MonogamousSend us a textFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

In non-monogamy, being misunderstood often feels like the default—and being truly seen? That’s the exception. But finding your people truly changes everything.In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, non-monogamous love, sex, and relationship coach Ellecia Paine cracks open the emotional exhaustion of constantly explaining your relationships—especially to therapists, friends, or family who just don’t get it. She shares what real support actually looks like, how it feels in your body, and why tolerating your truth isn’t the same as honoring it.You’ll learn:The nervous system relief of being seen without explanationThe emotional toll of defending your relationshipsA 3-part framework to stop performing and start protecting your peace:✦ The Triage Method – who gets access to your truth✦ The Information Diet – how much to share (and with whom)✦ The Boundary Script – what to say when someone crosses the lineWhy the right support isn’t just validating—it’s healingHow to find (or create) a space where your love doesn’t need a disclaimerWhether you’re solo poly, partnered, or somewhere in between, this episode is your reminder that you don’t have to keep explaining yourself to feel worthy of support. You just need the right people who meet you with curiosity, not correction.🔗 Resources & Links:Join the “Nope! We’re Not Monogamous” Facebook Group → https://www.facebook.com/groups/156086393074950Book a free Clarity Call with Ellecia → https://elleciapaine.podia.com/clarity-chatGet support in Breaking Free From Monogamy → http://www.elleciapaine.com/breakingfreeLet’s Keep the Conversation Going:If this episode gave your nervous system a big ol’ exhale, leave a review or share it with a fellow polyam pal who needs to feel seen too. And don’t forget to subscribe—because your support helps this show keep doing its thing.Send us a textFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237