Nope! We're Not Monogamous

What happens when you leave monogamy… but bring patriarchy with you?In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I sit down with Cass Banker (they/them) — a polyamorous, eXvangelical, non-binary human on a mission to deconstruct patriarchal masculinity in themselves and the world. Raised and socialized as a man for most of their life, Cass knows firsthand how entitlement, dominance, and pre-written gender scripts sneak into all kinds of relationships — yes, even ethical non-monogamy.We talk about:How patriarchy shows up in ENM (and why “polyamory” doesn’t automatically mean anti-patriarchal)The Chooser vs. Chosen dynamic and how it harms everyoneWhy polyamory can be a playground for men who speak “progressive” but live patriarchalThe ghost of patriarchal programming — and how it can haunt your sex lifeThe emotional labor trap: why your deconstruction work isn’t your partner’s jobSelf-acceptance vs. self-erasure: why shame won’t actually change youBuilding non-monogamy rooted in equity, care, and genuine loveCass also shares their own polyamory journey — the mistakes, the heartbreaks, and the moments of beauty that make it all worth it. And yes, they drop a Just the Tip bonus for better sex that will change how you listen to your partner’s body.Whether you’re new to polyamory, deep into your ENM life, or just curious how gender and power dynamics shape love, this conversation will give you language, insight, and maybe a few “ouch” moments worth sitting with.Follow Cass:TikTok: @cas_of_the_voidhttps://besafecoaching.com/Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy with what I have? Why do I keep wanting more when I already have a ‘good’ relationship?” If that question has been looping in your head, this episode is for you. Spoiler: there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just been taught your whole life that love only “counts” if it fits in the monogamy box—even if that box is crushing you.I’m getting real about my own story—how I contorted myself in my first marriage until I barely recognized who I was, why I stayed way too long, and how my second marriage turned into something more honest, more spacious, and more us once I stopped shrinking and started telling the truth.We’re diving into:The sneaky, everyday ways self-erasure shows up in relationships.Why “compromise” isn’t the same as collaboration (and how to tell the difference).How your nervous system tries to keep you small—and how to rewire it so you can take up space.A quick grounding practice you can use before those scary, important conversations.Six tools to help you be fully yourself without automatically burning it all down.If you’ve ever thought you’re “too much” for wanting more—more love, more connection, more you—this one’s your permission slip to stop twisting yourself into a shape you don’t even recognize.Links & Resources:Join Breaking Free From Monogamy → https://www.elleciapaine.com/breakingfreeHang out with me on TikTok → http://tiktok.com/@elleciapaineShare the Love:If this episode hit home, send it to your partner, your best friend, or that one person who’s definitely tired of playing small. Let’s stop pretending everything’s fine and start talking about what love could look like when it actually fits.Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

What happens when you grow up being told your body isn’t yours, your desires are dangerous, and your worth is tied to being someone’s “only one”… and then you finally break free?In this powerful conversation, I’m joined (again!) by Leah Carey, relationship and intimacy coach and former host of Good Girls Talk About Sex, to talk about what so many folks discover after leaving high-control environments like purity culture, religious abuse, cults, or narcissistic family systems:→ The floodgates of curiosity open—and suddenly queerness, kink, and non-monogamy are on the table.We dig into:Why exploring outside monogamy can feel like a reclamation of autonomyHow high-control systems shape our nervous systems and sexual wiring (and why “just getting over it” isn’t a thing)The sticky shame messages ex-purity-culture kids drag into adult relationships—and how to start untangling themHow non-monogamy can be a massive relief during seasons of mismatched desire (and Leah’s refreshing take on letting a meta meet your partner’s needs)Why true sexual freedom often starts with learning what your real yes and no even areIf you’ve ever thought, “Why can’t I just be normal about love and sex?” this episode will remind you—you’re not broken. You just weren’t given a roadmap. And you get to write a new one.Links & Resources:Connect with Leah: leahcarey.com  | YouTube | @XOLeahCarey on socialsLeah Carey is a Relationship and Intimacy Coach and host of the podcast Good Girls Talk About Sex, which ran from 2019-2024. In a world full of confusing and contradictory messages about intimacy and relationships, Leah helps sex make sense. Drawing on her own healing journey from fear and repression, she specializes in working with people from High-Control childhoods like Purity Culture, narcissistic abuse, cults, and other religious abuse. Regardless of your background, she works with clients to unlearn stigmas and unhealthy patterns around intimacy and communication. Her work has been featured by Buzzfeed, Yahoo, NBCThink, The Journal of Cancer Education, and more.Learn more about non-monogamy support at elleciapaine.comJoin the Nope! We’re Not Monogamous community on Facebook for real-talk convos about love, sex, and autonomySend us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

In non-monogamy, being misunderstood often feels like the default—and being truly seen? That’s the exception. But finding your people truly changes everything.In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, non-monogamous love, sex, and relationship coach Ellecia Paine cracks open the emotional exhaustion of constantly explaining your relationships—especially to therapists, friends, or family who just don’t get it. She shares what real support actually looks like, how it feels in your body, and why tolerating your truth isn’t the same as honoring it.You’ll learn:The nervous system relief of being seen without explanationThe emotional toll of defending your relationshipsA 3-part framework to stop performing and start protecting your peace:✦ The Triage Method – who gets access to your truth✦ The Information Diet – how much to share (and with whom)✦ The Boundary Script – what to say when someone crosses the lineWhy the right support isn’t just validating—it’s healingHow to find (or create) a space where your love doesn’t need a disclaimerWhether you’re solo poly, partnered, or somewhere in between, this episode is your reminder that you don’t have to keep explaining yourself to feel worthy of support. You just need the right people who meet you with curiosity, not correction.🔗 Resources & Links:Join the “Nope! We’re Not Monogamous” Facebook Group → https://www.facebook.com/groups/156086393074950Book a free Clarity Call with Ellecia → https://elleciapaine.podia.com/clarity-chatGet support in Breaking Free From Monogamy → http://www.elleciapaine.com/breakingfreeLet’s Keep the Conversation Going:If this episode gave your nervous system a big ol’ exhale, leave a review or share it with a fellow polyam pal who needs to feel seen too. And don’t forget to subscribe—because your support helps this show keep doing its thing.Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Do you worry that your desires make you “too much”?Like wanting more connection, more honesty, or more love means something is wrong with you?You're not broken—you’re just becoming.In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m getting all the way real about the internalized guilt so many of us carry when we crave “more” in our relationships. More connection. More truth. More you. And especially inside non-monogamy, where wanting more can trigger every insecurity we’ve ever inherited from monogamy culture.🔍 We’re unpacking:Why wanting more doesn’t make you greedy—it makes you honestThe myth of being “enough” in non-monogamy and why it’s total B.S.How monogamous conditioning gaslights our desire and shrinks our relationshipsWhat “enough” actually means—and why it’s YOUR definition that mattersWhy non-monogamy isn’t inherently chaotic (but support + tools matter)How to let go of the shame and build relationships that are truthful, not performative✨ If you’ve been asking yourself, “Am I selfish for wanting more?” or “Would they still want others if I were enough?”—this one’s for you. And spoiler: no, you're not selfish. You're self-aware.Mentioned in this episode:👉 My 3-month coaching program Breaking Free From Monogamy—for folks ready to stop surviving and start creating love on your terms. Learn more at elleciapaine.comIf this episode made your heart exhale…➡️ Leave a review.➡️ Share it with someone who needs to hear it.➡️ Or DM me on Instagram @elleciapaine and tell me what hit.Because you’re not too much. You’re just ready to stop pretending crumbs are enough.And that? That’s the beginning of something real.Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

So your mind gets polyamory—you’ve read the books, done the therapy, had the late-night conversations. But your body? It’s still freaking out when your partner goes on a date. Welcome to the nervous system’s opinion on non-monogamy.In this deeply validating and often hilarious conversation, I’m joined by Dedeker Winston (co-host of the Multiamory podcast) and Orit Krug, a licensed dance/movement therapist, to talk about why your nervous system might not be as on board with polyamory as your prefrontal cortex is—and what you can actually do about it.We cover:Why jealousy can’t be “talked out of”How trauma shows up in open relationships (even years later)Why somatic therapy works when your brain hits a wallWhat healing in community really looks like (spoiler: it’s not group sobbing, but it is a little weird)A behind-the-scenes look at their upcoming somatic retreat for polyamorous folks in SpainWhether you’re solo poly, partnered, in a polycule, or still figuring it out—this episode is a must-listen if you want more ease, embodiment, and nervous system support in your non-monogamous journey.💌 Learn more about the retreat:👉 https://multiamory.com/retreatSeptember 22–25, 2025 | Northern Spain | Sliding scale availableSend us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

What actually happens at sex-positive events? Cuddle parties? Consent circles? Erotic service? 👀 In this episode of Nope! We're Not Monogamous, I sit down with Jamie Love, Executive Director of Sex Positive World, to talk about the radical, healing, and totally human side of building sex-positive community.We cover:How to start a sex-positive space or community near youWhat consent really looks like (hint: it’s not just “yes or no”)Erotic service, safer sex talks, and the power of devotional touchWhat to expect at events like cuddle parties, massage-a-trois, and self-pleasure circlesJamie’s relationship style: when your community is your primary partnerThe truth about creating spaces that are inclusive, beginner-friendly, and deeply transformativeAnd what’s coming up at Polytopia 2025—Portland’s conference for polyamorous people, where I’ll be a featured speaker!If you’re curious about non-monogamy, ethical sluthood, radical consent, or how to make friends (and maybe lovers) outside the mainstream—this episode is for you.🔗 LEARN MORE 👉 Sex Positive World: https://www.sexpositiveworld.org 👉 Polytopia Conference: https://www.sexpositiveportland.org/polytopia-2025 👉 Jamie Love on Instagram: https://instagram.com/jamielove_pdx 👉 Support the show + get bonus content: https://patreon.com/notmonogamous 👉 Learn more about me: https://www.elleciapaine.comSend us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Feeling like the “easy one” in your polycule?Always chill, never the squeaky wheel?This episode is your permission slip to stop shrinking for connection.We’re breaking down what it means to disappear inside non-monogamy, why boundaries aren’t selfish, and how to recognize when your emotional self-silencing isn’t maturity—it’s survival.👉 Topics covered:What emotional self-abandonment looks like in Ethical Non MonogamyHow "being chill" becomes a trapThe difference between inclusion and being heldReal stories from non-monogamous clients + my own experienceWhy you don’t need to squeak louder to get greasedThe truth about interdependence vs codependence💬 If you’ve been wondering: “Why do I feel invisible in my relationship?” “Am I bad at polyamory?” “Do my needs even matter here?”This conversation is for you.🔔 Subscribe for more honest, nuanced, and no-BS conversations about ethical non-monogamy, boundaries, and becoming your whole self in love.👇 Ready to take up space in your relationships?Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Are you having the same fight over and over in your non-monogamous relationship—and wondering why nothing ever changes?You’re not broken. You’re in a pattern. And until you understand what’s underneath that pattern, it’ll keep showing up again and again.In this episode, we’re diving into trauma loops—how they form, why they’re especially common in non-monogamous relationships, and how to start breaking the cycle for good.💥 Whether you're navigating jealousy, communication breakdowns, or emotional overwhelm, this episode will help you:Spot the signs of a trauma loopUnderstand how your subconscious is running the showUse clarity as your North Star to shift patternsExplore tools that regulate, reconnect, and reset your emotional responsesLearn why support accelerates healing—and how to find the right kindSend us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

You’re not broken. You just never learned how to say the hard thing without burning everything down.In this episode, I’m sharing how to actually talk about the uncomfortable stuff in non-monogamy—without losing your shit or starting a relationship wildfire.Whether you're afraid of hurting someone, scared to be misunderstood, or just tired of swallowing your truth, this is your starting point for braver, clearer communication.What you’ll learn:→ How to understand your silence survival pattern→ The exact steps to prep for hard conversations→ Why blurting is not the same as honesty→ The “truth sandwich” that isn’t manipulative→ How to handle defensiveness and emotional shutdowns→ What to say when it all goes sideways (and why repair = magic)You deserve relationships where the truth can live—and still be loved.👇 Grab the free guide:Let’s Talk About It: Your Guide to Ethically Non-Monogamous Conversations[https://elleciapaine.podia.com/conversations]Send us a texthttps://elleciapaine.com/callSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237