Messy Family Podcast : Catholic Conversations on Marriage and Family

Your authority in the family does not come from perfection, it comes as a grace from your parenthood.   Summary There are two kinds of families - those that are frantic and those that are fruitful.  As Catholics we have an incredible grace to be fruitful families, but often our families don’t look much different than the secular, frantic families around us!  How can we live family life differently? There are so many different parenting philosophies out there.  Which ones should Catholics follow?  In this podcast, we give an overview of The Catholic Parenting Course - a guide for parents who want to have a roadmap for raising their families to be in the world, but not of the world.  The two parts of this podcast are how to parent like God the Father and then the secret weapon of the Catholic family (our regular listeners can guess what that is!).   Listen in!    Other Resources   Book:  Abba’s Heart Podcast:  MFP096 and 097, Elements of a Family Culture and Building a Family Culture   Key Takeaways To parent like God the Father, we need to start by conforming our hearts to His. Unity within your marriage needs to flow out and encompass everyone, all of your children giving them purpose and belonging. More than anything else, our children need us to delight in them.  Forming the hearts of our children is our sacred task.  Our goal should be to hand over the locus of control from us as parents to them. When lived intentionally, the culture within your home can be a powerful weapon against secular forces arrayed against us.    Couple Discussion Questions Do we see our Heavenly Father as delighting in us?  Why or why not?  On a continuum from isolation to oneness, where are we now?  How unified are we in our home?  What does it mean to delight in our children?  What does that look like for each of us, realizing that we will do this differently?  What are the values that our family culture is communicating to our children?  

Summary: In this episode, we explore several listener's questions about how to manage friendships when personal values differ, particularly in situations where children are involved. Mike and Alicia are joined by their daughter, Katie to dive into the challenge of maintaining friendships with those whose lifestyle choices may conflict with Catholic teaching, while still modeling love and compassion for others. The conversation focuses on how to love the person, hold true to your beliefs, and balance protecting your family’s moral development.  Couple Discussion Questions: How can you love friends or family members who hold values different from your own while protecting your children’s development? How do you explain complex adult relationships to your children in a way that aligns with your values? What boundaries do you set when it comes to relationships that conflict with your beliefs?  Resources: For more information on this and other topics visit: https://www.messyfamilyproject.org/

Beauty resets our compass.  It reminds us of who we are and what we are made for. ~ Andrew Peterson   Summary Our children will grow no matter what, but how they grow and what they learn is heavily dependent on their environment.  Parents can shape the world of their children to include beauty, freedom of artistic expression, and space to wonder.  In this podcast, we talk to Andrew Peterson, singer, songwriter, author, father and now grandfather.  Over the last 25 years, Andrew has used his creative talents in the world of music and fantasy books for kids. He has done this out of the firm belief in the power of art to commuicate eternal truths and draw people into relationship with God.  Our family has been blessed by his work over the past 25 years and we hope that all our families will be too!  Key Takeaways Parents need to shape the world to be beautiful for their children.  Beauty evangelizes even to the very young child. Art, in all its expressions, is essential to life.  Beauty resets the compass.  It reminds us of who we are and what we are made for. It awakens within us the desire for the Kingdom - God’s Kingdom here on earth and in heaven.   Delight in your children.  They need to know that they are wonderfully made and they learn that by how we respond to them.  Sin is when I forget who I am.  Our kids need to be solid in their identity as a child of God and so do we!  We need to learn to desire things in the right order.  Sin happens when we live a life of disorder.  As parents we can help order the lives of our children in the right way.  Couple Discussion Questions How does our family experience art (music, literature, movies) in our home?  What do these things communicate to our children?  Do we delight in our children?  How can we do this more?  What are we doing in our home to help our children “desire things in the right order?”  How can we shape the environment in our home to do this?     Resources God in the Garden Wingfeather Series (books) Wingfearther series (series on Angel studios) Andrew-peterson.com Music list on spotify  

“21% of teens said their #1 concern was not having enough time with their parents. Only 8% of parents said their #1 concern was not having enough time with their kids.” ― Meg Meeker   Summary After 13 years of marriage we had six children and were pretty confident in our parenting. But when our oldest daughter became a teenager, we felt like we needed to learn how to parent all over again!  This sweet 12 year old seemed to begin changing before our eyes and we had to pivot pretty quickly to learn what it was that she needed and what our new role was as parents.  The teen years do not need to be horrible.  In contrast, it should be the flowering of all the parenting you have done and an exciting time for you and your child!  The question for parents is how do I learn how to love my child during this turbulent time of change from being a child to being an adult.  In this episode, we give you some principles to remember and some practical things you can do to REALLY love your teenager.     Key Takeaways If you want your teen to grow in virtue and maturity, you must give them freedom.   Parents of teens move from being a protector to being a coach.   For teens who are forming their identity in relation to the world, their interests are equal with who they are.  So if you learn more about their music, games, friends, and trends, they will receive the message that you like them, not just love them.  Teens need to be encouraged to take appropriate risks. Failure is a part of learning.  They won’t succeed at everything they do and that is OK.  This is the best time for them to learn these lessons.   Invite them into spiritual adulthood.  Give them the opportunity to make the faith their own.     Couple Discussion Questions Looking back on your teen years, do you love your “teen self”?  How can you grow in this?  List the names of your tweens and teens.  What do you love about them? Share with your spouse and add to the list together.  What are your concerns about your teens?  Does your spouse have the same concerns?  Why or why not?  In what areas are you giving too much freedom?  Where can you help your teen grow in independence?   Resources The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt IGen by Jean Twenge

Happiness is determined by our expectations…. If our expectations are modest… we will be happy; if our expectations are unrealistic, we end up disappointed. ~Bishop Anthony Taylor, Diocese of Little Rock Summary All of us come into our vocations with expectations.  We have dreams and plans, but expectations are more like assumptions.  We have our own experience and we expect that things will go a certain way.  The problem is, we can’t always articulate these expectations or even realize that we have them until they are unfulfilled and this can cause conflict with our spouses.  In this episode, we talk about the relationship between expectations and happiness, how to articulate our expectations, and how to have realistic expectations of our marriage as you grow.  We also share on a personal level what our expectations were and how we handled things when we were newly married compared to how we are today.  This podcast is really one that you want to discuss with your spouse to help you both learn how to communicate better and forge greater unity.   Key Takeaways Happiness is determined by our expectations and our ability to notice and rejoice in little things. If our expectations are modest, life will usually exceed our expectations and we will be happy; if our expectations are unrealistic, we end up disappointed. Many young couples have unrealistic expections of their spouse.  They expect their spouse to do what only God can do: To meet all their needs for security, support and closeness. Don’t lower your standards, just make them more realistic and realize you need to grow in your communication skills to have a strong marriage.  No matter if your expectations are fulfilled or now, always choose gratitude.  There is always something to be thankful for and recognizing that is the key to happiness.   Couple Discussion Questions What were my expectations coming into our marriage?   Which of these were fulfilled?  Which has led to disappointment?  What am I grateful for?   Resources Article on Expectations and Happiness

The body is not meaningless, but meaningful - Jason Evert Summary Join us for this insightful conversation with Jason Evert, speaker and author.  Jason has spoken all over the world and has created numerous resources for preteens and teens to dive deep into what it means to be free to love.  Often parents feel under-equipped to talk about sex and chastity, but it is within the home that these lessons need to be learned and it is where they are taught most effectively.  The first step is to communicate to your children how much you delight in them.  Then we can speak to their hearts the truth of who they are.  After that, we can teach them that by embracing the virtue of chastity we can truly be free to love others with a love like God’s.  Jason’s new series for preteens, Envision, can be found at Ascension Press. Key Takeaways We can’t just tell our kids what NOT to do, but we must communicate that chastity gives them freedom.  Chastity gives them the freedom to love.  Knowing the theology of our bodies answers the question, “Who am I and how should I live?”  The world tells our kids that their bodies are meaningless, but in reality, they are meaningful.  What we do with our bodies matters.   Rules without relationships breed rebellion.  Most of our kids know we love them, but do they believe we like them?  That we like being with them?  That is the foundation that needs to be laid to form them.  Couple Discussion Questions How are we communicating to our kids now that what they do with their bodies matters?   What are some ways we can show our kids not just that we LOVE them but that we LIKE them too?   Do we understand the importance of Theology of the Body?  Is this something we need to look into more?     Resources The Chastity Project - https://chastity.com Envision - TOB for Middle Schoolers Women Wonderfully Made Webinar Family Culture and the Temperaments: Messy Family Date Night with Art and Laraine Bennett 

"Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit" Proverbs 25:28   Summary:  Have you ever had a child melt down because they didn’t get what they wanted? How do we respond to emotional outbursts in our children? Self-control is an underappreciated virtue in our modern culture, but ironically, it is the one skill we can teach our children that can help them achieve great success.  Instead of embracing the maxim of today, “Just do it!” we should be echoing the slogan of the 80’s anti-drug campaign, "Just say no!”.  Our children need to learn from a young age that they CAN be in charge of how they react to their emotions, but they need your guidance and help to do this. In this podcast, we give some tips and tricks on how to speak to your child and put them in the driver’s seat of life.   Key Takeaways: Emotional outbursts are a sign of immaturity.  As they grow and as you teach them they will learn.  But if you don’t get this under control when they are young you will be sorry Self control is an unappreciated virtue.  Lack of self control is lauded in our culture “Just do it!” as opposed to “Just say no!” Important to train your child early!! Their brain can change more than any other time in their lives. Often we focus more on training in athletics or academics than virtue, but virtue is where they will find success in life. When they are emotional, teach your children how to activate the logical part of their brain.  As parents of young children, we help them regulate their emotions so they can learn how to do it themselves.   Give them space to make a choice.  The more they do it, the stronger and better they will be at it   Couple Discussion Questions:  How would we define self control?  Why is it important How do we respond to our children when they lose control?  What do we think about this?   What are some good strategies we can use for our children specifically?  

Join us for a special episode of the Messy Family Podcast, recorded live at the 10th National Eucharistic Congress in Indianapolis! In this episode, Mike hosts a lively discussion on the joys and challenges of family life. Mike, who flew in from Ireland, shares his family traditions and reflections on building a lasting legacy. Plus, special guests Ennie and Cana Hickman talk about their journey of raising nine children, balancing ministry and marriage, and the importance of regular date nights. Whether you're a longtime listener or new to the show, this episode offers heartfelt stories and practical advice for every family. Don't miss it! For more information on this and other topics visit: https://www.messyfamilyproject.org/   00:53 - Mike Shares His Family Tradition 03:14 - Introducing Ennie and Cana Hickman 06:01 - Marriage and Family Life 11:30 - The Importance of Date Nights 17:25 - Integrating Ministry and Family 23:45 - Building Family Culture and Traditions 30:10 - Navigating Difficult Times 36:30 - Practical Tips for Busy Families 44:00 - Closing Thoughts and Prayer

Parent’s reaction to their children is more important than any consequence that they may give.  It is our reaction that teaches our children.   Summary One of the trickiest things for a parent is when they catch their child in a lie.  Do you punish them for lying?  Do you punish the offense?  How do you teach the virtue of honesty when lying seems to come so naturally to them?  Join in our conversation with Jordan Langdon of Families of Character, a ministry that coaches parents to be their best for their families.  In this discussion, we hear Jordan’s thoughts on why kids lie, how to create realistic expectations, and why punishing kids for lying only makes things worse.  Hear about the “Honesty Incentive Rule” and how that works for young children and even more importantly as your children become teenagers.   Find more about Jordan and her work at www.familiesofcharacter.org    Key Takeaways Training the will of your child is just as or even more important than training their intellect Most children will lie at some point.  It is a natural part of their development.  It is how you react to them that matters. There are different stages of lying.  The lie of a 3 yr old looks different than that of a 7 yr old.  The Honesty Incentive rule helps children take personal responsibility for their actions. When you find your child lying, allow yourself time to think about how to handle it.  There is no need to react - this is not an emergency! Take time to observe your children’s behavior so you can tell when something is going on beneath the surface.    Couple Discussion Questions What is our reaction when our children lie to us now?  How do we handle it?  How do I feel when our kids lie to me?   Do we feel like we take enough time to observe our children’s behavior?  Would we know when something was going wrong?    

Play is the work of childhood.  Summary It seems like in today’s world, parents are judged by how many activities their kids are in and how committed the whole family is to those activities.  We see this as leading to complete burnout for parents, but more importantly, it robs children of the joy of unsupervised, spontaneous time to just play.  We explain in this podcast what play is and why it is so important for children to engage in. The beautiful thing about play is that parents should NOT be involved!  It is one thing that we can do for our kids that requires less of us, not more.  Parents need to learn that kids must take risks, make choices, and be independent from adults.  And this means less supervision, not more.  Listen in to this conversation where we try to strike a balance between keeping kids busy in a healthy way and giving them space to be bored and make good choices.     Key Takeaways Play is essential for a child’s development. It is “freely chosen and directed by the participants and undertaken for its own sake, not to achieve something” - Dr. Peter Gray You need to be intentional about choosing your child’s activities based on their developmental needs.  Kids under 12 really don’t need structured activities - only do them if they work for your lifestyle and are not a cause of stress in the family Don’t allow external forces to impose false expectations on your involvement.   Encourage your child to persevere even if an activity is difficult or not what they expected, but have the common sense to know when enough is enough. Know the adults that are around your child recognizing that especially in the teen years these people can become mentors for them for good or for bad.    Couple Discussion Questions Share with your spouse your experience with structured activities (sports, theater, lessons, etc).  What would you like to repeat? What would you like to avoid? What activities are our children involved in?  Are they developmentally appropriate for them?  How can we encourage more play among our children?  Are there other families who would join us in this?    Resources: Play Deprivation Is A Major Cause of the Teen Mental Health Crisis By JON HAIDT AND PETER GRAY https://www.afterbabel.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web