Messy Family Podcast : Catholic Conversations on Marriage and Family

“21% of teens said their #1 concern was not having enough time with their parents. Only 8% of parents said their #1 concern was not having enough time with their kids.” ― Meg Meeker   Summary After 13 years of marriage we had six children and were pretty confident in our parenting. But when our oldest daughter became a teenager, we felt like we needed to learn how to parent all over again!  This sweet 12 year old seemed to begin changing before our eyes and we had to pivot pretty quickly to learn what it was that she needed and what our new role was as parents.  The teen years do not need to be horrible.  In contrast, it should be the flowering of all the parenting you have done and an exciting time for you and your child!  The question for parents is how do I learn how to love my child during this turbulent time of change from being a child to being an adult.  In this episode, we give you some principles to remember and some practical things you can do to REALLY love your teenager.     Key Takeaways If you want your teen to grow in virtue and maturity, you must give them freedom.   Parents of teens move from being a protector to being a coach.   For teens who are forming their identity in relation to the world, their interests are equal with who they are.  So if you learn more about their music, games, friends, and trends, they will receive the message that you like them, not just love them.  Teens need to be encouraged to take appropriate risks. Failure is a part of learning.  They won’t succeed at everything they do and that is OK.  This is the best time for them to learn these lessons.   Invite them into spiritual adulthood.  Give them the opportunity to make the faith their own.     Couple Discussion Questions Looking back on your teen years, do you love your “teen self”?  How can you grow in this?  List the names of your tweens and teens.  What do you love about them? Share with your spouse and add to the list together.  What are your concerns about your teens?  Does your spouse have the same concerns?  Why or why not?  In what areas are you giving too much freedom?  Where can you help your teen grow in independence?   Resources The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt IGen by Jean Twenge

Happiness is determined by our expectations…. If our expectations are modest… we will be happy; if our expectations are unrealistic, we end up disappointed. ~Bishop Anthony Taylor, Diocese of Little Rock Summary All of us come into our vocations with expectations.  We have dreams and plans, but expectations are more like assumptions.  We have our own experience and we expect that things will go a certain way.  The problem is, we can’t always articulate these expectations or even realize that we have them until they are unfulfilled and this can cause conflict with our spouses.  In this episode, we talk about the relationship between expectations and happiness, how to articulate our expectations, and how to have realistic expectations of our marriage as you grow.  We also share on a personal level what our expectations were and how we handled things when we were newly married compared to how we are today.  This podcast is really one that you want to discuss with your spouse to help you both learn how to communicate better and forge greater unity.   Key Takeaways Happiness is determined by our expectations and our ability to notice and rejoice in little things. If our expectations are modest, life will usually exceed our expectations and we will be happy; if our expectations are unrealistic, we end up disappointed. Many young couples have unrealistic expections of their spouse.  They expect their spouse to do what only God can do: To meet all their needs for security, support and closeness. Don’t lower your standards, just make them more realistic and realize you need to grow in your communication skills to have a strong marriage.  No matter if your expectations are fulfilled or now, always choose gratitude.  There is always something to be thankful for and recognizing that is the key to happiness.   Couple Discussion Questions What were my expectations coming into our marriage?   Which of these were fulfilled?  Which has led to disappointment?  What am I grateful for?   Resources Article on Expectations and Happiness

The body is not meaningless, but meaningful - Jason Evert Summary Join us for this insightful conversation with Jason Evert, speaker and author.  Jason has spoken all over the world and has created numerous resources for preteens and teens to dive deep into what it means to be free to love.  Often parents feel under-equipped to talk about sex and chastity, but it is within the home that these lessons need to be learned and it is where they are taught most effectively.  The first step is to communicate to your children how much you delight in them.  Then we can speak to their hearts the truth of who they are.  After that, we can teach them that by embracing the virtue of chastity we can truly be free to love others with a love like God’s.  Jason’s new series for preteens, Envision, can be found at Ascension Press. Key Takeaways We can’t just tell our kids what NOT to do, but we must communicate that chastity gives them freedom.  Chastity gives them the freedom to love.  Knowing the theology of our bodies answers the question, “Who am I and how should I live?”  The world tells our kids that their bodies are meaningless, but in reality, they are meaningful.  What we do with our bodies matters.   Rules without relationships breed rebellion.  Most of our kids know we love them, but do they believe we like them?  That we like being with them?  That is the foundation that needs to be laid to form them.  Couple Discussion Questions How are we communicating to our kids now that what they do with their bodies matters?   What are some ways we can show our kids not just that we LOVE them but that we LIKE them too?   Do we understand the importance of Theology of the Body?  Is this something we need to look into more?     Resources The Chastity Project - https://chastity.com Envision - TOB for Middle Schoolers Women Wonderfully Made Webinar Family Culture and the Temperaments: Messy Family Date Night with Art and Laraine Bennett 

"Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit" Proverbs 25:28   Summary:  Have you ever had a child melt down because they didn’t get what they wanted? How do we respond to emotional outbursts in our children? Self-control is an underappreciated virtue in our modern culture, but ironically, it is the one skill we can teach our children that can help them achieve great success.  Instead of embracing the maxim of today, “Just do it!” we should be echoing the slogan of the 80’s anti-drug campaign, "Just say no!”.  Our children need to learn from a young age that they CAN be in charge of how they react to their emotions, but they need your guidance and help to do this. In this podcast, we give some tips and tricks on how to speak to your child and put them in the driver’s seat of life.   Key Takeaways: Emotional outbursts are a sign of immaturity.  As they grow and as you teach them they will learn.  But if you don’t get this under control when they are young you will be sorry Self control is an unappreciated virtue.  Lack of self control is lauded in our culture “Just do it!” as opposed to “Just say no!” Important to train your child early!! Their brain can change more than any other time in their lives. Often we focus more on training in athletics or academics than virtue, but virtue is where they will find success in life. When they are emotional, teach your children how to activate the logical part of their brain.  As parents of young children, we help them regulate their emotions so they can learn how to do it themselves.   Give them space to make a choice.  The more they do it, the stronger and better they will be at it   Couple Discussion Questions:  How would we define self control?  Why is it important How do we respond to our children when they lose control?  What do we think about this?   What are some good strategies we can use for our children specifically?  

Join us for a special episode of the Messy Family Podcast, recorded live at the 10th National Eucharistic Congress in Indianapolis! In this episode, Mike hosts a lively discussion on the joys and challenges of family life. Mike, who flew in from Ireland, shares his family traditions and reflections on building a lasting legacy. Plus, special guests Ennie and Cana Hickman talk about their journey of raising nine children, balancing ministry and marriage, and the importance of regular date nights. Whether you're a longtime listener or new to the show, this episode offers heartfelt stories and practical advice for every family. Don't miss it! For more information on this and other topics visit: https://www.messyfamilyproject.org/   00:53 - Mike Shares His Family Tradition 03:14 - Introducing Ennie and Cana Hickman 06:01 - Marriage and Family Life 11:30 - The Importance of Date Nights 17:25 - Integrating Ministry and Family 23:45 - Building Family Culture and Traditions 30:10 - Navigating Difficult Times 36:30 - Practical Tips for Busy Families 44:00 - Closing Thoughts and Prayer

Parent’s reaction to their children is more important than any consequence that they may give.  It is our reaction that teaches our children.   Summary One of the trickiest things for a parent is when they catch their child in a lie.  Do you punish them for lying?  Do you punish the offense?  How do you teach the virtue of honesty when lying seems to come so naturally to them?  Join in our conversation with Jordan Langdon of Families of Character, a ministry that coaches parents to be their best for their families.  In this discussion, we hear Jordan’s thoughts on why kids lie, how to create realistic expectations, and why punishing kids for lying only makes things worse.  Hear about the “Honesty Incentive Rule” and how that works for young children and even more importantly as your children become teenagers.   Find more about Jordan and her work at www.familiesofcharacter.org    Key Takeaways Training the will of your child is just as or even more important than training their intellect Most children will lie at some point.  It is a natural part of their development.  It is how you react to them that matters. There are different stages of lying.  The lie of a 3 yr old looks different than that of a 7 yr old.  The Honesty Incentive rule helps children take personal responsibility for their actions. When you find your child lying, allow yourself time to think about how to handle it.  There is no need to react - this is not an emergency! Take time to observe your children’s behavior so you can tell when something is going on beneath the surface.    Couple Discussion Questions What is our reaction when our children lie to us now?  How do we handle it?  How do I feel when our kids lie to me?   Do we feel like we take enough time to observe our children’s behavior?  Would we know when something was going wrong?    

Play is the work of childhood.  Summary It seems like in today’s world, parents are judged by how many activities their kids are in and how committed the whole family is to those activities.  We see this as leading to complete burnout for parents, but more importantly, it robs children of the joy of unsupervised, spontaneous time to just play.  We explain in this podcast what play is and why it is so important for children to engage in. The beautiful thing about play is that parents should NOT be involved!  It is one thing that we can do for our kids that requires less of us, not more.  Parents need to learn that kids must take risks, make choices, and be independent from adults.  And this means less supervision, not more.  Listen in to this conversation where we try to strike a balance between keeping kids busy in a healthy way and giving them space to be bored and make good choices.     Key Takeaways Play is essential for a child’s development. It is “freely chosen and directed by the participants and undertaken for its own sake, not to achieve something” - Dr. Peter Gray You need to be intentional about choosing your child’s activities based on their developmental needs.  Kids under 12 really don’t need structured activities - only do them if they work for your lifestyle and are not a cause of stress in the family Don’t allow external forces to impose false expectations on your involvement.   Encourage your child to persevere even if an activity is difficult or not what they expected, but have the common sense to know when enough is enough. Know the adults that are around your child recognizing that especially in the teen years these people can become mentors for them for good or for bad.    Couple Discussion Questions Share with your spouse your experience with structured activities (sports, theater, lessons, etc).  What would you like to repeat? What would you like to avoid? What activities are our children involved in?  Are they developmentally appropriate for them?  How can we encourage more play among our children?  Are there other families who would join us in this?    Resources: Play Deprivation Is A Major Cause of the Teen Mental Health Crisis By JON HAIDT AND PETER GRAY https://www.afterbabel.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web  

Growing in holiness doesn’t require extraordinary actions, it requires doing ordinary things with great love.  And there is nothing more “ordinary” in the life of a child than a parent.   Summary Often when people talk about life with children, the focus is on just getting through their childhood with your sanity in one piece!  There is some truth to that because parenting can be the most challenging thing you may ever do, but we would like to offer a different perspective.  What if we did allow family life to change us? What if we allowed it to change us for the better? Jesus wants to teach us how to love Him by loving our spouse and our children.  They are the first neighbors that we are called to love and serve and this, as lay people, is our path to holiness.  Listen in to this honest conversation about the challenges of loving those closest to us as we would love Jesus Himself.    Key Takeaways   If you are a frantic family you will resent the sacrifices that naturally come with family life.  Fruitful families embrace these sacrifices.  Our world does not prize the ordinary so we can think that to be holy we need to do extraordinary things.   The true measure of how much you love the Lord is the measure by which you love that person in your life who is most difficult Mark 9 - “Whoever receives such a child in my name, receives me.  And if you receive me, you receive the one who sent me” Matthew 25 - “Then the king will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father. Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.” Jesus doesn’t ask us to love an ideal.  He asks us to love actual people in our lives as we would love Him.    Couple Discussion questions Think of a person in your life who shows God’s love to others.  What do they do?  How do they do it?  What can you imitate?   “Whoever receives such a child in my name, receives me.  And if you receive me, you receive the one who sent me”  Who am I being called to “receive” right now in my state in life?  What are my thoughts on this person being Jesus?  What is one small, practical way in which I can love my husband or wife better, starting today?  How can I receive their love more fully?  

The greatest and most important collaboration you will ever have with another person is raising a child with your spouse.   Summary Parents come to us with discipline issues all the time and our first question is usually, “What does your spouse think about this?”  You see, the most important person to learn from is the other parent of this child you are trying to raise!  It is when moms and dads work together that the greatest power is unleashed in parenting and that is when we can do the most good for our children.  Instead of focusing on your child and their behavior, focus first on yourself, then on how you and your spouse work together, and then you can come up with the best way to love your child and form them.  Listen in to this re-release of our 2019 podcast, Parenting as a Team.     Key Takeaways The best thing you can do for your children is to not focus on them, but focus on your spouse first, and them second. Prioritize your relationship!  Strength is found in your differences!  Respect what each one of you brings to the table.   God never meant for you to be parents alone, or even just the two of you.  He wants to give you all the grace you need if you will just ask Him for it.     Couple Discussion Questions What do you admire about how your spouse parents your kids? Tell them this.   What is the biggest difference between you in how you parent?  How is this a strength?  Take time this week to sit down and talk about your kids and how they are doing.  Make a plan to help them as best you can.  Resources Tip Sheet Worksheet from Discipline guide

Parenting isn’t about doing everything perfectly.  It's about showing up over and over again no matter what.     Summary Some may question how a celibate man could have wisdom for husbands and wives, let alone parents.  But in this interview with Fr. Mike Schmitz, host of the Bible in a Year podcast, we think everyone will agree that his insights are awesome! Drawing from his own family experience as well as his role as a spiritual father, Fr. Mike shares with us how to love children who have fallen away from the church, the importance of your marriage to your walk with God, and why you actually don’t need to have the perfect plan for your family. In this conversation we laughed and cried as we reflected on the beauty and difficulties of life in a family (with some special shoutouts to middle children!).  Listen in as we have an honest and inspiring talk with a priest whose ministry has blessed so many.   Key Takeaways Our family of origin impacts us more than almost anything else in our lives. Parents put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect that sometimes they miss out on the joy of family life.  It's more important that we are intentional about family life than we have the “perfect plan” on how to be a family. It's not a bad thing for kids to see their parents have conflict as long as they are also able to experience the effects of their reconciliation.  We can’t make the world safe for our kids, but we do need to make our kids strong. The heart of the Father is the heart of the priesthood.  If someone falls away from the Church, we may be tempted to cut them out or approve of everything they do, but neither is correct.   Remain in their lives in a consistent and uncompromising way, recognizing that their story isn’t over.    Couple Discussion Questions Are there areas in our family life that we need to evaluate and possibly change?  Is there a course we are on that we need to correct?   Knowing that our kids will be growing up in a difficult world, how can we make them strong?  How can we respond better to those who have turned away from Christ or His Church?  How can we keep those lines of communication open?   Who are the “spiritual fathers” in our life?  How can we pray for them? Resources Bible in a Year Podcast Ascension videos w Fr Mike   Introduction and Fundraising Campaign (0:00 - 4:04) Interview with Father Mike Schmitz Begins (4:04 - 5:09) Father Mike Schmitz's Background (5:09 - 7:02) Parenting and Family Life (7:02 - 13:23) Insights on Parenting and Perfection (13:23 - 18:13) Parental Sacrifice and Consistency (00:19:32 - 00:21:28) Parental Influence and Decision-Making (00:21:28 - 00:23:42) Navigating Marital Challenges (00:23:43 - 00:27:37) Spiritual Fatherhood (00:37:06 - 00:38:41) Parenting Journey and Impact (00:38:42 - 00:41:36) Understanding Parental Heartache (00:46:43:18 - 00:47:31:20) Dealing with Children Leaving Faith (00:47:31:22 - 00:48:57:00) Parental Support and Communication (00:50:29:03 - 00:52:37:11) Sexual Intimacy and Spirituality (00:56:53:17 - 00:58:32:06) Blessing and Spiritual Growth (01:02:14:04 - 01:03:32:18)