It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

There are people you shouldn’t marry, have children with, or have a financial entanglement – people with high conflict personalities. They blame, gaslight, lie, deny, make false allegations, and some will seek to destroy you or your reputation.These are relationship destroyers – the people who can ruin your life and make you wish you’d never had children with them.So why do we get involved with them? Why does the brain say ‘yes’ to people who will make your life a living hell? It’s because we don’t have good dating radar and we don’t think we are so stupid that we’d fall into such a horrible relationship.Megan and Bill discuss the five high conflict personality types and how they behave in romantic relationships, including:Borderline HCPsNarcissistic HCPsAntisocial (sociopath) HCPsHistrionic HCPsParanoid HCPsCaveat: Not everyone with these personality disorders has a high conflict personality, but some do. How can you tell? They are the blamers, and they’re no fun in relationships. Listen in as Megan and Bill start this four-part series on Dating Radar.Links & Other NotesBOOKSDating Radar (paperback, audio, e-book)DATING RADAR TEST & SURVEY RESULTSARTICLESDating DenialDating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New RelationshipSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:06) - Dating Radar (05:31) - What Is an HCP? (07:16) - Narcissistic Personalities (09:32) - Borderline Personalities (14:37) - Histrionic Personalities (17:06) - Paranoid Personalities (18:30) - Antisocial Personalities (21:23) - Overlap (23:35) - The Survey (33:43) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: How HCPs Jam Your Radar

The challenge of being emotional creaturesDid you know that emotions are contagious? We like to think we are in complete control of our emotions, but lots of research shows that emotions are contagious and it’s how we handle our own emotions once we’re emotionally hooked.In this episode we’ll break down emotion contagion. If you’re a brain nerd like us, or you simply want to have a better understanding of human behavior and the impact of unmanaged emotions on others, you’ll enjoy this episode. Specifically, we’ll discuss:Can you get emotionally “hooked?” and “unhooked?”How exactly are emotions contagious? How does that work in our brains?Can emotions lead us to make bad decisions?How do High Conflict People deal with emotions?How do High Conflict People communicate differently using their emotions?Are emotions part of why we have such angry polarization today in families and in politics?What can we do to calm down emotionsLinks & Other NotesBOOKSBIFF for everyoneBIFF for Coparent CommunicationBIFF for WorkplaceCalming Upset People with EARON DEMAND COURSEThe Brain 101: For Lawyers & AnyoneWho Are High Conflict People?ARTICLESManaging EmotionsKeep the Conflict Small! (With Managed Emotions)Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Emotionally Hooked & Unhooked (05:22) - Getting Hooked (07:16) - Emotional Persuasion (13:13) - In the Brain (21:33) - Emotions Leading to Bad Decisions (24:48) - HCPs Dealing With Emotions (27:57) - Communicating with Emotions (29:23) - Polarization (34:40) - Calming Emotions (36:46) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: HCPs in Love

You’ve got questions. We’ve got answers.In this episode we host our very first Q & A Lab where we answer your questions about high conflict people. We focus on three questions:Narcissists who get it backwards What do you do when they turn it around and accuse you of being the narcissistic HCP?Bosses who complain and blame e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y) What do you do to get your HCP boss to stop?Parents who blame and make extreme accusations, such as kidnapping What do you do in the aftermath?Listen in as we answer your questions by identifying whether it’s a high conflict behavior or not, providing insight into the behaviors, and making suggestions for handling them.We’ll be doing a monthly Q & A Lab. Submit your questions anytime!Links & Other NotesBOOKSIt’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People (Paperback or e-Book)Calming Upset People with EAR: How Statements Showing Empathy, Attention and Respect Can Quickly Defuse a Conflict (Paperback or e-Book)Don’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce (Paperback or e-Book)AUDIOManaging High Conflict Situations in the Workplace: For EmployeesARTICLESManaging Your Narcissistic Boss7 Tips for Managing Your Narcissistic BossSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:58) - Q&A Lab (02:33) - Question One (07:44) - Question Two (20:22) - Question Three (27:06) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict Emotions

Domestic ViolenceMegan and Bill are joined by the Honorable Karen Adam and Annette Burns to discuss domestic violence. This is part two of this conversation.Links & Other NotesTHE VIDEO THAT WAS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODEConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsBIOSBios for Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Honorable Karen Adam, and Annette Burns, J.D.DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXPERTS INTERVIEWED IN THE VIDEOAbi Ajibolade, Executive Director, The Redwood, Toronto, OntarioAmy G. Applegate, JD, Clinical Professor of Law, Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaLinda Bortell, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Bortell Psychological, Inc., Los Angeles, CaliforniaMelissa Brickhouse-Thomas, LCSW, Manager, Victim Services, Glendale Police Dept., Glendale, ArizonaGabrielle Davis, JD, Legal and Policy Advisor, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaLoretta M. Frederick, JD, Senior Legal & Policy Director, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaAnna Harper-Guerrero, LMSW, Executive Vice President & Chief Strategy Officer, Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, Tucson, ArizonaAmy Holtzworth-Munroe, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Dept. of Psychological & Brain Science, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaHilary A. Linton, JD, LLM, Mediator, President, Family Mediation Services (mediate393) Toronto, OntarioJan Maiden, JD, Family Law/Domestic Violence Attorney, Law Office of Jan Maiden, San Diego, CaliforniaWendy Million, City Magistrate, Tucson City Court Domestic Violence Court, Tucson, ArizonaCharles A. Sawchenko, MSW, Police Lieutenant (Ret), Delaware State Police, Dover, DelawareWilliam Spiller, Jr., JD, Family Lawyer and Minor’s Counsel, Law Offices of William Spiller, Jr., Los Angeles, CaliforniaNancy Ver Steegh, MSW, JD, Professor of Law, Mitchell Hamline School of Law, St. Paul, MinnesotaNeil Websdale, PhD, Director, Family Violence Center, Arizona State University, Tempe, ArizonaDavid Wexler, PhD, Director, Relationship Training Institute, San Diego, CaliforniaSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:44) - Part II: Domestic Violence in Family Law (02:23) - Why Screen Cases for DV (06:52) - Importance for Courts to See Full Picture (10:16) - Avoiding Bias (13:47) - Impacting Cases (17:42) - Therapists' Role (22:25) - Mediation (26:01) - Dealing With Children's Concerns (34:31) - Parenting Plans (37:09) - Treatment (39:14) - Self-Care (43:50) - If You're Currently in a DV Situation (45:27) - Coming Next Week: Listener Questions

Domestic ViolenceMegan and Bill are joined by the Honorable Karen Adam and Annette Burns to discuss domestic violence. This is part one of this conversation.Links & Other NotesTHE VIDEO THAT WAS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODEConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsBIOSBios for Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Honorable Karen Adam, and Annette Burns, J.D.DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXPERTS INTERVIEWED IN THE VIDEOAbi Ajibolade, Executive Director, The Redwood, Toronto, OntarioAmy G. Applegate, JD, Clinical Professor of Law, Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaLinda Bortell, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Bortell Psychological, Inc., Los Angeles, CaliforniaMelissa Brickhouse-Thomas, LCSW, Manager, Victim Services, Glendale Police Dept., Glendale, ArizonaGabrielle Davis, JD, Legal and Policy Advisor, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaLoretta M. Frederick, JD, Senior Legal & Policy Director, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaAnna Harper-Guerrero, LMSW, Executive Vice President & Chief Strategy Officer, Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, Tucson, ArizonaAmy Holtzworth-Munroe, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Dept. of Psychological & Brain Science, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaHilary A. Linton, JD, LLM, Mediator, President, Family Mediation Services (mediate393) Toronto, OntarioJan Maiden, JD, Family Law/Domestic Violence Attorney, Law Office of Jan Maiden, San Diego, CaliforniaWendy Million, City Magistrate, Tucson City Court Domestic Violence Court, Tucson, ArizonaCharles A. Sawchenko, MSW, Police Lieutenant (Ret), Delaware State Police, Dover, DelawareWilliam Spiller, Jr., JD, Family Lawyer and Minor’s Counsel, Law Offices of William Spiller, Jr., Los Angeles, CaliforniaNancy Ver Steegh, MSW, JD, Professor of Law, Mitchell Hamline School of Law, St. Paul, MinnesotaNeil Websdale, PhD, Director, Family Violence Center, Arizona State University, Tempe, ArizonaDavid Wexler, PhD, Director, Relationship Training Institute, San Diego, CaliforniaSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:40) - Dealing With Domestic Violence (03:27) - Meet Our Guests (05:24) - Impetus Behind DV Video Series (06:19) - Overall Objective (07:31) - Surprises (08:54) - Karen's Motivation (12:46) - Survivor vs. Victim (15:56) - Annette's Motivation (18:28) - Biggest Issues in Divorce & Co-Parenting (28:40) - Intimate Partner Violence vs. DV (30:50) - Coercive Control (33:20) - HCPs (40:19) - Last Words (41:58) - Coming Next Week: Part 2

Do you love reading thrillers and mysteries? Or binging shows like Dexter on Netflix? If you do, you’re going to love this episode! We’re interviewing our very first podcast guest, Dr. Todd Grande, who is the author of Harm Reduction, a thriller of extraordinary psychological depth that explores the interactions of a therapist, a narcissistic serial killer, and a detective. Their lives intertwine and revolve around leveraging and holding a secret.Dr. Grande is a content creator on YouTube, with 950k subscribers (he’ll likely reach 1 million before this episode airs). On his channel, he discusses the details of various news events, court cases, celebrities, serial killers, personality theory, mental health and much more.Dr. Grande joins Bill and Megan on this episode to discuss his new book and to take a deep dive into the pathology of serial killers. Are they all narcissistic? Sociopaths? Psychopaths? All of the above? What are intricacies of various types, and do they overlap with other types of mental illness. For example, have you ever wondered about serial killers who also have OCD? Dr. Grande and Bill will discuss the personality types, led by Megan who will also discuss Dr. Grande’s other books, a series titled The Notorious Series. They will talk about:The Psychology of Notorious Serial Killers (2021)The Psychology of Notorious Church Killers (2022)The Psychology of Notorious Celebrity Deaths (2022)Don’t miss this fascinating talk with Dr. Grande.Links & Other NotesHARM REDUCTIONTHE PSYCHOLOGY OF NOTORIOUS SERIAL KILLERSTHE PSYCHOLOGY OF NOTORIOUS CHURCH KILLERSTHE PSYCHOLOGY OF NOTORIOUS CELEBRITY DEATHSYOUTUBE CHANNELDr. Todd GrandeSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Dr. Todd Grande and His Book Harm Reduction (03:56) - What's It About? (04:46) - Why These Characters? (06:49) - Narcissistic Serial Killers (11:15) - Clusters A, B, & C (15:19) - Low Numbers (17:34) - Addiction (18:15) - Tech and Serial Killers (20:32) - Cues to Watch For (23:01) - Dramatic Interests (23:31) - Lack of Empathy (26:12) - Serial Killer Character in Book (28:41) - Not First Person (30:38) - Inspiration for Writing Fiction (31:54) - What would a mental health clinician learn from this book? (34:08) - Any Follow-Up Planned? (35:59) - Movie Adaptation? (36:39) - Wrapping Up (37:11) - The Notorious Series (42:13) - Closing (42:58) - Coming Next Week: Domestic Violence in Relationships 2-Part Interview

What causes conflict? Differing ideas and opinions do, but most people can manage it, although extraordinary circumstances, time pressures and stress can click the conflict dial to max for just about anyone. But when you’re dealing with someone with a high conflict personality, you can expect the any gathering, especially holidays gatherings, to have some dramatic or even explosive situations.In the 2020-21 global pandemic, most people are on edge. Anxiety is high. Arguments over the efficacy of masks; whether vaccines will save you, harm you or kill you; lockdowns as a necessity or a loss of fundamental human rights. These are all important topics and impact almost everyone but only a fraction will end up shouting, slamming doors, ending conversations, throwing phones, and telling you that you’re wrong. It doesn't matter what the topic is, people with high conflict personalities will likely create some conflict around it.This episode focuses on how to handle the person who wants to discuss and debate over the dinner table. Bill Eddy will give his best tips for shutting those conversations down in an non-confrontational way that will save your sanity and keep the conflict low through the holidays.The second half of the episode deals with handling loneliness during the holidays, as many parents, grandparents and even kids spend them alone, isolated from the people they love. Whether a regular divorce keeps you from your kids, or a high conflict divorce with alienation has kept you from them for a long time — it’s hardest to cope during the holidays. Bill and Megan touch on these sensitive topics with some helpful information to help you through the holidays and beyond.Links & Other NotesBOOKSCalming Upset People with EARBIFFBIFF for CoParent CommunicationThe Courage to FeelThe High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival GuideONLINE COURSECalming Upset People with an EAR StatementARTICLESEAR Statements for the HolidaysHandling High Conflict Situations During the HolidaysHandling High Conflict Situations During the HolidaysHow to Survive the Holidays with an Anti-Social RelativeSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Holiday Conflict (02:34) - Tips to Stop Holiday Conflict (08:54) - Assumptions (09:53) - One More Tip (10:37) - A Family of Multiple HCPs (12:24) - The Overly Sensitive Person (14:34) - The Narcissist (15:50) - When Alone (24:59) - HCP Whiplash (27:54) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Dr. Todd Grande

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood and unfairly maligned mental health issue. Years of misinformation on the Internet, filled with scary details or an impossible life cast a dark shadow. Unfortunately, those who struggle with it would be helped if more people understood what it is and how to help. Many with BPD tend to isolate, but those who also blame may have a borderline high conflict personality.What is it like on the other side of the relationship? What do you do when faced with explosive rage? How do you handle the mood swings and need for constant attachment? What do you do when someone you love seems beyond help? Or how do you help your client in the best way when it seems they sabotage their own case?This type of personality is driven by a fear of being abandoned, so the rules of their operating system direct them to try to remain connected with the people closest to them. Once their fear button is triggered, whether perceived or real (it feels very real to them), their mood can take a wild swing, which is when high conflict behaviors surface: blame, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged intense emotions and extreme behaviors. Sadly, this can drive people away, unless you develop some skills to help you manage the relationship. Without diagnosing or labeling, Bill and Megan discuss the borderline high conflict personality type, including:What it means to feel abandonedWhat this looks like in relationshipsHow past trauma may cause or contribute to the development of a borderline high conflict personalityHow to identify someone who may have a borderline high conflict personalityTips for interactions that will help everyone involvedStatistics on Borderline Personality Disorder in the U.S.There’s a gift side to every person, including those with a borderline high conflict personality, but becoming aware and educated are keys to helping them and helping yourself. In this episode, we explore the borderline high conflict personality — the final in the ‘five types of people’ series. In the previous four episodes we talked about Narcissistic, Antisocial, Paranoid, and Histrionic HCPs (high conflict people). Listen in as Bill and Megan explore the basics of this personality type. You will likely learn something new, gain some insight and a few basic tips on managing relationships with them that benefit everyone.Links & Other NotesBOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeCalming Upset People With EARBait and Switch: Saving Your RelationshipThe Big Book on Personality DisorderThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for FamiliesThe Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerARTICLESCan Relationships with People who have Borderline Personalities be Saved?7 Tips for Working with Clients with Borderline Personality DisorderUnderstanding Borderline Personality Disorder in Family Law CasesSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:55) - Borderline Personality Disorder (06:38) - What Is BPD? (09:19) - Main Characteristics (13:41) - BPDs vs. Borderline HCPs (15:53) - What does High Conflict mean? (17:46) - Stats (21:10) - Bipolar vs. Borderline HCPs (26:02) - Where does it come from? (29:51) - Relationships with BPDs (34:55) - Empathy (37:59) - Jealousy (40:03) - Summary (41:35) - Is there hope? (46:26) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Listener Questions

Ever been around someone who was ultra-suspicious? Not just the typical accusatory behaviors, but someone who suspects conspiracies against them or that someone doesn’t like them or feels a certain way about them ... all based on an assumption or jumping to conclusions from a facial expression? Well, you just may have been around someone with a paranoid high conflict personality.This type of personality is driven by a fear of being betrayed, so the rules of their operating system direct them to be suspicious of others. Once their fear button is triggered, whether perceived or real (it feels very real to them), they attack first. The behaviors of those with high conflict personalities all come out at that time: blame, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behaviors. Bill and Megan discuss the paranoid high conflict personality type, including:Their need to be in control of their surroundings and fear of being betrayed and need to hold grudgesThe differences between paranoid high conflict personality and other paranoiasHow to spot people who may have a paranoid high conflict personalityTips for interacting with them, using an EAR Statement™ and BIFF Response®Statistics on Paranoid Personality Disorder and Paranoid HCPs in the U.SBeing around someone like this can wear on your nerves and become draining, but it doesn’t have to. In this episode, we continue talking about the five types of people who can ruin your life. In the previous three episodes we talked about Narcissistic, Antisocial and Histrionic HCPs, or high conflict people. In this episode we are talking about Paranoid HCPs. This one has always been a little confusing for people because the other four types can also appear to have paranoia, and other mental health disorders may also experience the same. Paranoid Personality Disorder is a little different.Links & Other NotesBOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeIt’s All Your FaultCalming With EARBIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict PeopleARTICLESPossible HCP kills former boss, insures lawyer after mediationCan high conflict people change?Compassion for high conflict peopleSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Paranoid HCPs (02:25) - What is Paranoid Personality Disorder? (08:35) - Paranoia in HCPs (09:48) - Stats (10:24) - How They Present Themselves (11:48) - The Fear That Drives Them (12:47) - Relationships With Paranoids (14:30) - Social? (18:05) - In the Workplace (20:05) - What NOT to Do (21:11) - Revenge (22:08) - In Summary (25:06) - Dealing With Paranoid HCPs (28:19) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Borderline HCPs

Histrionic Personality Disorder. It’s all about the drama.Drama abounds online, on television, in movies, and in everyday life. But have you been around a person who is all drama all the time? With loads of storytelling and emotional persuasion? You may have been around someone with a histrionic high conflict personality.This type of personality is driven by an intense need to be the center of attention, and when they aren’t, the blame and anger begin. But in the beginning, you may have been charmed by their sometimes flirtatious behavior (not all are this way) and later experienced and been exhausted by their non-stop drama and attention-seeking. Bill and Megan discuss the histrionic high conflict personality type, including:Their need to be the center of attention and fear of feeling ignoredThe differences between a self-absorbed person and someone with histrionic high conflict personality traits and behaviorsWhy they exhaust those around them and how others experience their high conflict behaviorsHow to spot themStatistics on Histrionic Personality Disorder and histrionic HCPs in the U.S.Understanding and dealing with Histrionic HCPs takes time, but learning about their fear-based operating system as well as learning a few simple skills – like setting limits – will help calm your life and prevent you from burning out.If you’ve spent much time around someone with a histrionic high conflict personality, you know how exhausting interactions with them can be. Plus, their M.O. in life is it’s all about me, creating lop-sided relationships and one-way interactions. Setting limits is a key skill in turning that around. The first step is to understand their behavior patterns, starting now.Send us your stories!We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesBooks:It’s All Your Fault5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeConflict Communication SeriesCalming Upset People with EARBIFFBIFF for CoParent CommunicationBIFF at WorkAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.On Demand Courses:Calming Upset People with an EAR Statement™How to Write a BIFF Response®Submit a Question for Bill and MeganYou can also find these show notes on our website as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:50) - Histrionic Personality Disorders (03:30) - What Is Histrionic Personality Disorder? (06:27) - Superficial Speech (09:08) - Histrionic Fear (10:56) - How Does It Develop (12:49) - Helping Your Children Avoid Becoming Histrionic (15:36) - Stats (17:59) - When In a Relationship With a Histrionic (19:11) - In Romantic Relationship (20:47) - In the Workplace (22:10) - In Summary & Tips (23:22) - Common Areas (24:50) - Persuasive (26:07) - Histrionic vs. the Other Four Types (27:02) - Wrapping Up (27:49) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Paranoid