It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

When an HCP is a Narcissist...Do you know someone whose moods swing wildly? Do they act unreasonably suspicious or antagonistic? Do they blame others for their own problems? When a high conflict person (HCP) has one of five common personality disorders – borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, or histrionic – they can lash out in risky extremes of emotion and aggression. And once an HCP decides to target you, they’re hard to shake.Most everyone has been around a narcissist, but not everyone understands how to handle a narcissistic HCP. Bill and Megan do a deep dive into this personality type, exploring:Their fear-based need to be superior and makes others feel inferiorThe differences between vulnerable, narcissistic and malignant typesWhy they see themselves as a hero and protector while those around them experience them as bulliesHow to spot themStatistics on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic HCPs in the U.SUnderstanding and dealing with Narcissistic HCPs come in layers, and understanding the why they behave that way is the first step.If you’ve been the Target of Blame for a narcissistic HCP, you know the devastating impact it can have. It’s easy to get emotionally hooked by their aggressive behaviors and respond with aggression or avoidance, which emboldens them. Instead, learning the necessary skills –that don’t always feel natural – is the ticket to managing interactions with them. The first step is to understand their behavior patterns, starting now.Send us your stories!We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesBooks:BIFF at Work5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict PersonalitiesIt’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.Training:For attorneys: Dealing with Narcissistic Personalities: The Arrogant Players of DivorceThe Narcissistic Family Member: Prickly and SuperiorArticles:Do Narcissists Make Good Leaders in Business?Narcissism and Incivility: Is There a Connection?Narcissist in Your Family? 4 Tips for Dealing with ThemSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganYou can also find these show notes on our website as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:44) - Last Time... (03:09) - HCP Refresher (06:05) - The Narcissistic HCP (08:37) - Statistics (09:53) - Dealing With an Narcissistic HCP (10:56) - Sexual Abuse (11:20) - Genetic Component? (13:46) - Empathy Factor (15:57) - How They See Themselves (18:44) - Types of Narcissists (24:55) - Lack of Self-Awareness (27:06) - Treatment (29:59) - Dealing With a Narcissistic HCP in Your Life (33:26) - Getting Support (34:39) - Gender Breakdown (36:17) - Don't Tell Them They're an HCP (37:03) - Narcissists vs. Narcissistic HCPs (37:48) - Are HCPs bad people? (39:59) - Raising Healthy Kids (43:05) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Antisocial HCPs Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

When an HCP also has a personality disorder...Personality disorder or not, people with a high conflict personality (HCPs) have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. This pattern usually happens over and over again in many different situations with many different people. The issue that seems in conflict at the time is not what is increasing the conflict. The “issue” is the high-conflict personality and how the person approaches problem-solving. With HCPs, the pattern of behavior often includes a lot of these four characteristics:Blaming othersAll-or-nothing thinkingUnmanaged emotionsExtreme behaviorsHCPs also seem to have personality disorders or some traits of these disorders. This means that they have long-term patterns of:Interpersonal dysfunctionLack of reflection on their own behaviorLack of changeMental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders. Five of these have a tendency to become HCPs: those with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, paranoid, or histrionic personality disorders or traits. This helps us understand why they stay stuck in conflict – namely because of two reasons: they don’t reflect on their part of the problem, and they don’t change. So, the conflict continues or gets worse.Perhaps you know someone with this pattern. Someone who insists that you – or someone you know – is entirely to blame for a large or small (or non-existent) problem. If so, he or she may be an HCP and you likely have felt targeted by them and unsure what to do.In this episode, Bill and Megan give an overview of the five types and why the ways we interact with them don’t work, and why you can’t get them to reflect on themselves.Send us your stories!We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesBooks:5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict PersonalitiesIt’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleIt’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for EverythingAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.Training:Who Are High Conflict People?Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Legal DisputesArticles:High Conflict People in Civil LitigationHandling High Conflict Situations During the HolidaysSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganYou can also find these show notes on our website as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:41) - HCPs In Your Life (03:46) - Four Key Characteristics (06:26) - All or Nothing Thinking (08:47) - Personalities (10:10) - Unmanaged Emotions (11:54) - Giving It Time (13:20) - They Don't Stop Themselves (15:05) - Look for the Pattern (17:40) - Five Personality Disorder Types (21:44) - Range of HCP? (23:33) - They're Everywhere (26:30) - HCPs in Court Cases (28:06) - Antisocial (30:41) - Always Check Yourself (32:56) - Where These Types Pop Up (35:37) - When These Overlap (38:07) - Bipolar (41:41) - Wrapping Up (42:51) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: The Narcissistic HCP Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

We’re looking at HCPs in the workplace and how to use BIFF at work.A narcissistic boss. Have you had one? It’s pretty common, so you’re lucky if you haven’t experienced the dread of waking every morning knowing you must face your boss for the next eight hours. Condescending comments and zingers. Out-of-control narcissistic rage from a narcissistic injury. Storming off to HR, their manager, the CEO — anywhere they go to let out their frustrations — which are many. It seems there’s always a dilemma, which obviously is a major time suck. What’s behind this? And what can be done to manage it? Is termination the only option for a high conflict employee? Or do you just remain in misery? Should you quit or should you stay?Knowing how challenging it can be to handle a narcissistic supervisor, manager, or boss of any kind, Bill and Megan talk about the driving forces behind this high conflict personality type and discuss some specific tips for managing the HCP instead of letting them make you miserable. The good news: it is possible to turn things around using the right skills. Your life gets easier if you use these when dealing with a hostile boss, an undermining co-worker, a disruptive team member or any high conflict situation.Bill and Megan also discuss their thoughts on media observations about whether Steve Jobs from Apple was a high conflict personality, as well as Elizabeth Holmes, who is currently standing trial in federal court for her alleged misdeeds as CEO of Theranos.If you’re in a situation with a Narcissistic HCP at work, try one of these communication tools: an EAR Statement™ or BIFF Response®.Empathy • Attention • Respect: an EAR Statement is all you need to remember when communicating verbally with a Narcissistic HCP.Brief • Informative • Friendly • Firm: use a BIFF Response when communicating in writing. They’re easy to learn, but can be hard to do in the moment, so it will take some practice, especially if you’re emotionally hooked.We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesBook: BIFF at WorkBook: Calming Upset People with EARBook: It’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleTraining: New Ways for Work (a coaching method for dealing with HCPs in the workplace)Article: Do Narcissists Make Good Leaders in Business?Article: Fire or Keep High Conflict Employees?All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.Submit a Question for Bill and MeganYou can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:43) - High Conflict Personalities in the Workplace (03:56) - The Narcissistic Boss (08:18) - Is There Healthy Narcissism? (10:32) - Narcissistic CEOs (11:45) - Emotional HCPs (17:57) - A Few Examples Within Organizations (21:11) - Steve Jobs (23:38) - Using EAR Statements (26:41) - An Example and 'Sorry' (29:21) - Using BIFF Responses (31:24) - An Example Using BIFF (34:28) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

In today’s episode, we talk about how to tackle hostile communications with BIFF Responses.What is a hostile communication? It usually contains blame and personal attacks. You read it. Your heart rate doubles. You either want to blast back or instantly delete. Mostly, you never want to hear from that person again. It was far less common pre-electronic communication. Now it’s a matter of daily life, especially on social media or even more so when the communication is coming from someone with a high conflict personality.The challenge with dealing with HCPs, or people with High Conflict Personalities, is that they wage war wherever they can, including on your screen. The problem is that most people respond right away. Why? Because they think they need to defend themselves. We talk about why people do that; why the HCP sends it in the first place; whether or not you need to respond; and if you do, how to do it differently using a BIFF Response.Do you need to respond?Much of hostile e-communication does not need a response. Letters from (ex-) spouses, angry neighbors, irritating co-workers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.If you do have to respond, use a BIFF Response.Some letters and emails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process – or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. The best way to handle hostile communications from an HCP is with a BIFF Response. BIFF reminds you to be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, assuming you need to respond.We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganArticle on using BIFF Response®Online course for lawyers on BIFF Response®Online course for anyone on using BIFF Response®Info on BIFF CertificationBIFF BooksBIFF for AnyoneBIFF for Co-ParentsBIFF for the WorkplaceAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:41) - High Conflict in the Written Word (05:44) - Using BIFF (08:29) - What's Happening in the Brain? (12:12) - When to Respond (14:07) - An Example (17:13) - Not Taking It Personally (18:22) - Three As (24:52) - BIFFing That Example (30:59) - BIFF in High Conflict Divorce (35:18) - Being Disciplined to Use BIFF (36:24) - BIFF Certification (37:28) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Using BIFF at Work Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

In today’s episode, we look at what makes up a high conflict person and talk about EAR Statements.Blamers. Narcissists. Accusers. Ragers. These are all people who may fall into the category of High Conflict Personality. Most of us don’t act this way, but these people don’t often realize they’re acting this way and can’t control themselves. So should you engage? Or should you learn how to deal with them? If you guessed the latter, you’d be right.Many people say these people are unpredictable, but Megan and Bill talk about how these people actually are very predictable... if you know what to look for. Several things can lead to people becoming HCPs. It could be genetic or could come from how they were raised. And because of this, HCPs can exist anywhere in the world. So how do you deal with them?Well, the first step is learning to identify them. They will usually blame anyone but themselves, and they’ll never be able to connect the dots back to themselves. They rarely take responsibility for their own actions. But the feelings are so strongly in them that they can’t have their mind changed. Once you realize you’re dealing with an HCP, definitely don’t tell them they’re an HCP. It’s likely going to trigger them further.If you’re in a situation with an HCP, try an EAR Statement.Empathy. Attention Respect. These tools may seem opposite to how you’d normally deal with a person who is confronting you, but remember, you’re not an HCP. The HCP needs this so you can get out of the situation you’re in. It’s hard, but give it a try.We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganArticle – ‘What is a High Conflict Individual’Article – ‘Calming Upset People Fast with an EAR Statement™’Online course for attorneys/judges – Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Legal DisputesOnline course for anyone – Calming Upset People with an EAR StatementOnline Course: Who Are High Conflict People?Book: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeBook: Calming Upset People with EARAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:40) - What is a High Conflict Person? (06:28) - Why and How are HCPs Different? (09:48) - Why Are They Like This and Why Don't They Change? (13:43) - Why They Blame (16:23) - How to Deal With HCPs (21:16) - Getting Hooked (25:08) - Breaking Down Megan's Story (28:44) - Using EAR Statements (33:13) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: BIFF Response Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!

Exploring the world of high conflict personalities, the podcast delves into their nature and motivations. Strategies for navigating difficult interactions with them are also discussed.