Relationship Coaching School Podcast

Fighting, arguing, and disagreeing are essential in a relationship, But it’s critical to know how. Here’s a short episode to help you understand how to calm down so you don’t do or say something you’ll later regret. SHOWNOTES Why Jayson doesn’t recommend long-term relationship for everyone. [1:45] Why do some couples that use one single email account? Share your thoughts in the private Facebook group [6:15] The likely reason you struggle with conflict in your relationship. [9:30] What defines a fight? [15:00] The 5 steps [15:45] You must have this ingredient whenever you do a “time-out” during a fight. [17:30] The sure-fire recipe for divorce and breakups. [24:00] Jayson’s two powerful action steps for this episode. [28:00]

In this Q&A episode, there were so many great questions. See the show notes below for a detailed line-up. SHOWNOTES How can I train myself to not go to an extreme dark place when I’m triggered by my partner? [4:30] A tool for calming yourself down. [6:00] What’s the best way to balance individual freedom in a relationship to avoid power struggles?  [6:45] How to know when to stay in a relationship and when to leave? [9:30] Why is my husband not desiring me and initiating physical intimacy and passion? [11:45] My boyfriend surfs porn, a LOT. Is this normal? Should I break up with him? [17:30] Should I move back in with my ex? How do I know if he’s forgiving me? [22:00] My partner says he’s not sure if he still has feelings for his ex. What should I do? [25:00] My old boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for eight years, currently off for a year. What’s the best way to get back together? [27:45] The best way to date someone with a mental illness? When do you know if the struggle is too much if they’re not doing the work to get better? [29:45] Someone challenges Jayson on saying “I’m sorry.” [32:15] How do I get my boyfriend to communicate more often and more openly? [34:15] What’s the best way to apply your communication tools with children? Is it the same as with a romantic partner? [35:15] What do you think about when someone says “I’m sorry you feel that way”? [38:15] Should our partner be our “best friend”? [39:30] How do I navigate my fear of enmeshment with my partner’s fear of abandonment? [40:15] Jayson’s powerful action step for this episode. [43:00]  

Did I interview Yoda or just world renowned human behavior specialist Dr. John Demartini? Okay, buckle your seat belt for this one and be prepared to have some of your paradigms twisted and your feathers ruffled. I could have grilled this guy for hours, but I kept it to one hour to respect his time. Be sure to listen to this one twice and take notes.  From no one being committed to you, to the fact that everyone is dishonest, I’m sure this episode will confront and serve you in many helpful ways. Enjoy! SHOWNOTES The one statement Dr. Demartini said that rocked Jayson’s world.  [7:45] How infatuation is an insight to ourselves. [10:30] Dr. Demartini’s relationship status? [11:30] Do long-distance relationships work? [12:30] How to be true to yourself in relationships. [15:45] Dr. Demartini’s date with a 95 year-old lady. [23:00] How our values powerfully influence our lives. [24:45] What about when two partners have opposite values? [27:00] What’s the link between health, stress and values? [32:30] What happens if we run from challenge? [35:00] How to deal with someone who is lying to you. [43:15] What about sexual polarity and passion in relationships?  [45:15] Is quantum entanglement a real phenomenon? [49:00] Why do we tend to attract partners who mimic our parents? [55:45] If you’ve been hurt in a relationship, do you need to heal through relationship? [58:30]

There are two kinds of expectations in a long-term relationship. Knowing the difference can help you sink or swim in your partnership. See if you can get honest about your expectations of yourself and your partner in this episode. SHOWNOTES The two kinds of expectations [5:45] Why laying a trip on someone doesn’t work in a partnership [9:30] Why trying to force someone to change never works. [11:45] Monogamy as an example of how to set an expectation. [13:45] Jayson’s challenge to the listener. [17:15]

Saying “I’m sorry” is one way to try to repair after a relationship challenge, but it’s exceptionally limited. Not learning a new way to repair is like driving your car without tires. It works and can even get you places, but you’ll go so much further if you learn this one. Roll up your sleeves as I have a good challenge for you in this episode. SHOWNOTES Why regular apologies are weak. [9:00] What you need to do instead of just saying “I’m sorry.” [13:45] A perspective that will empower you when you’re triggered by your partner. [16:00] The secret to apologizing like a pro. [17:30] Jayson’s challenge to the listener. [21:30]  

Relationships get hard. But how do you know when hard is too freakin’ hard? And, what do you do about it? In this episode my wife and I explore a very common complaint about long-term relationships, especially after the initial honeymoon phase wears off. Are you making your relationship hard or are you making it easy? Believe it or not, you are in the driver’s seat on this. SHOWNOTES How do you know when your relationship is too hard? [5:30] The decision Jayson made that was crucial to his relationship. [15:00] Does Ellen ever feel that motherhood is too hard? [17:00] The perspective that matters most in a relationship [18:45] How to work through conflict in a relationship? [20:15] What about working through conflict on your own, without your partner or community? [22:30] Why it’s not wise to “pick your battles”? [26:45] Leave your comment in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group  

Your relationship questions are answered in this episode. We cover a lot of ground. One theme is how to deal with “value” differences in an intimate relationship. This one is really good because it can tear a relationship apart trying to fit each other into your respective boxes of how you prefer they be.   SHOWNOTES How long to wait for your partner to blend your families and get married? [7:15] How can partners adapt in a relationship when one partner has a chronic illness? [11:45] Why do men lie? [14:00] What’s the reason our relationship improves when my man hangs out with this guy friends? [17:30] How to tell your guy about erectile dysfunction without making it worse? [20:00] What skills are best to use when you’re highly triggered and avoid an argument? [21:45] How to keep childhood issues from breaking up your relationship? [23:45] How do you know when to take 100% responsibility and when to leave a partner who is not willing to do the work? [26:00] What if your ex is creating challenges for me to blend families with my new partner? [30:00] When you have different values, what’s the best way to deal with that? [33:30] Does it make sense to avoid dating men whose taxi light isn’t on, like Miranda said in Sex & The City? What about when partners have opposite views on how to handle money in a relationship? [40:45] Long-distance relationships: how do I get my man to show me that he’s emotionally ready to commit? [42:45] What should a woman do with her kids when their dad just walks out? [44:15] How to deal with a man who is emotionally unavailable? [46:45] Leave your comment in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group  

Relationship pain has a very clear purpose. If you are hip to it, you’ll thrive in relationships. If you are uneducated here, you’ll run away and play the victim. Direct and to the point, I suggest a very important daily practice for you to strengthen your mindset about long-term partnership. Pain hurts indeed. And, what if pain was your ally in disguise? SHOWNOTES Your only two choices you have about your relationship pain [4:30] What is one of the harshest versions of relational pain [6:00] The first thing to NOT do when in relationship pain. [11:00] The good news about pain and stress [15:45] What happens when you just bounce from relationship to relationship. [17:00] The link between your emotional pain and your numbing habits. [21:45] What makes someone really unattractive. [25:00] Relationship Pain Daily Practice I have two choices with my relationship pain: 1. Use it to make me weaker by whining, complaining, and blaming others (or myself). 2. Use it to make me stronger by seeing it as my ally to master the lesson it’s bringing me. It’s 100% of the time up to me to choose.

One of the most fundamental skills we need to navigate life’s challenges is not formally taught to us. We learn through the school of hard knocks and most of us get some pretty big scars. These scars don’t heal unless you use the very best methods to become stronger. Join me here as I invite you into something very special. Something that could impact us well beyond our life. SHOWNOTES The flawed thinking behind simply wanting a great relationship. [3:00] What could have benefited Jayson had he taken a relationship class as a kid. [4:00] How wanting to be liked is impacting children’s integrity with themselves. [5:45] Jayson’s puts his stake in the ground. [9:15] The big flaw in the current school system. [11:00] Jayson’s bold invitation. [12:30]  

Do attachment principles actually work in adult relationships? How can secure functioning assist you and your partner into greater safety and openness in your marriage? In this episode I talk with Stan Tatkin, couple therapist, and adult attachment guru. I’ve been studying this guy for the past 2 years through my wife. He’s making a very important contribution, backed by brain science, with the neuro psychobiological approach to how adults to long-term relationship successfully. Get ready to “parent” your partner! Yikes! I learned a lot here and am eager to share his work with you. SHOWNOTES How did Stan get into becoming a therapist? [5:45] What is “secure functioning”? [13:00] How is secure functioning different than “co-dependency”? [21:45] What does a co-dependent dynamic look like in real life? [22:30] Are we re-parenting ourselves with our chosen partners? [28:00] What is a “master regulator” in a relationship? How to tell if that’s you. [31:30] How to avoid choosing a partner who is not a good fit for a secure functioning model? [32:30] When dating, here’s one thing you MUST do. [35:00] What is the allostatic load and how does it impact both your body and relationships? [38:00] The antidote to when a relationship goes on auto-pilot. [47:00] Island, Anchor, Wave and why they matter in your relationship. [48:00] The myth of “you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else”. [52:00] Does your therapist also need to be in a thriving partnership [55:00] Why does Stan say that “dating lasts forever”? [56:30] Stan’s big tip on how couples can stimulate their marriage on a daily basis [58:00]