Relationship Coaching School Podcast

Do you want more connection while your partner wants more space? One of the most common issues in a partnership is the distancer/pursuer dynamic. In the second of our two-part series, Ellen and I help the distancers understand and deal with your pursuing partner. SHOWNOTES What does it mean to the distancer with a pursuer partner? [7:00] Is the pursuer really being needy when they want attention from a distancer? [10:00] The link between a pursuer and their childhood relationship with their caregiver. [12:30] A better way to ask for space. [15:00] Why the pursuer can be an MVP in a long-term relationship. [19:30] Jayson’s action step for the listener [23:00]  

One of the most common issues in a partnership is the distancer/pursuer dynamic. What is going on here and how do you deal with a partner who needs a lot or one who is distancing. In the first of our two part series, Ellen and I help the pursuers (connectors) understand and deal with your distancing partner. SHOWNOTES What is the pursuer/distancer dynamic? [10:30] What’s going on with the distancer when they are asking for time and space? [12:30] What 2 things do you need to balance when dealing with someone who is distancing. [17:30] The single focus trap that pursuers can fall into. [21:30] How time agreements can make re-connecting easier. [25:30] The positive side of being someone who is a distancer? [26:30] Quick review of the 5 tips [28:00] How this dynamic can be different in a marriage vs dating. [29:00] Jayson’s action step for the listener [33:00]

Running away from relationship pain and problems often just creates more problems. Here I remind you why facing pain is useful. Check it out. Now. SHOWNOTES The simple point of relationship pain. [10:00] The smarter strategy when you’re triggered by your partner. [10:45] How Jayson’s back pain woke him up to something deeper. [13:15] Erectile dysfunction and Viagra as an example of what NOT to do with relationship pain. [16:00] The big signs that you’re hitting the snooze button on your relationship pain. [18:30] Jayson gives your action step. [23:00]

The grass is greener with that other person! I used to think this quietly in my mind all the time, no matter who I was with. In this episode, I share my personal drama with this mentality and what it’s really about. Not only that, I offer something to help you get through it. It might just make you more likely to commit to the one you’re with. SHOWNOTES Jayson shares his personal story about leaving relationships when the going got tough. [8:45] The kinds of partners who will more likely have a “grass is greener” mentality. [11:00] How closeness and space impact ambivalence. [13:00] Will a new partner solve the current problem or bad feelings I’m having? [16:15] Jayson’s recommendation if you’re wanting to jump from relationship to relationship. [18:00] When the grass really is greener over there and it might be time to exit. [21:15] Jayson’s action steps for the listener. [ 24:45]

It’s really normal to experience jealousy, depression, anger, intense attraction and so much more when you find yourself in a good relationship. Our relationships trigger the deepest of human emotions and experiences. In this episode, I answer some fun, very painful, and challenging questions from you the listener. Notice how all of these questions may bring up stuff from your past or present relationship and see if you can find the nugget in each question that you can learn something from.   SHOWNOTES What’s really happening when someone says “you make me feel X”. [6:45] Is it a mistake to stay with my husband who is a functioning alcoholic? [9:30] How to deal with premature ejaculation after you’re married? [12:15] One factor that will guarantee your relationship is doomed. [15:30] How to get your boyfriend to talk more when all he wants is occasional texting? [16:30] Can a guy be emotionally mature if he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings five months into a relationship? [18:15] When a partner struggles with depression, how do deal with a big transition when moving to a new country? [21:45] A partner goes MIA after his mother dies, does this mean the relationship over? [25:45] Is there a limit to being too open and honest with your partner? [30:30] Jealousy when your boyfriend has a lot of interaction with other women on Facebook? [34:00] The best way to eliminate anger? [37:00] Best approach for a couple that is going to be long-distance for two years? [40:30] Personality disorders and loving yourself? [42:45] How to regain trust when a partner refuses to open up? [47:15] Jayson’s action step for the listener. [50:00]  

It is possible to rewire your brain in relationships and build inner strength. In fact, if you don’t work toward this, you’ll be in trouble down the road when the allostatic load catches up to you later in life. In this episode I interview Dr. Rick Hanson. He’s a passionate expert on mindfulness, the brain, neuroscience and relationships. We geek out on the intricacies of the brain but he also brings some very practical tools and insights on how we can improve our relationships by using the natural genius of our mind. Lots of notes to take on this one! Hang in there. It can get dense.    SHOWNOTES Why Jayson was anti-marriage until age 34 [2:00] How did Dr. Hanson get so passionate about brain science and relationships? [11:00] A Native American story about love and hate [13:00] Why is so difficult for couples to work their shit out? [17:30] What are two lessons from the wiring of our ancestors’ nervous systems? [19:30] Two practices to rewire your brain to build your inner psychological strength [22:00] How to stop the negativity train of our mind when we’re already triggered [25:00] Tips for developing ourselves before we get into a fight with our partners [32:30] What happens in our brains when we are triggered by our partner? [46:00] How being chronically frustrated, lonely, let down, disconnected impacts the brain and body. [51:30] The ratio between positive interactions and negative interactions [60:00] A 10-day challenge to the listener on how to radically shift the dynamic in your relationship. [65:00]

Maureen writes “I’ve really lost interest in your work since you said on your webinar that if you get cheated on it’s your fault.” Thanks Maureen for prompting this episode because so many people get “fault” confused with “responsibility.” This episode sets it straight. I clear up what it means to choose to be a victim and to choose to be empowered. Even when someone does something “to you.” After you listen, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group. Also check out the blog post on the same subject here. SHOWNOTES Why people love and hate meditation. [3:30] The difference between fault and responsibility. [6:15] The best way to get back into the driver’s seat of your own empowerment. [9:30] How to not get cheated on again. [10:15] The difference between the victim and the empowered person. [12:00] Jayson’s challenge for the listener. [19:30]

Chris and Billy Jo are two podcast listeners who won a chance to be interviewed and laser coached by me on the podcast. As you listen, pay close attention to their dynamic, their openness to feedback and most importantly a commitment to growing individually and as a couple. If you got value from this episode format, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group and I’ll do more!   SHOWNOTES How did Chris & Billiejo meet and how long have they been together? [8:00] When did they know it was the right time to tell the kids about their relationship? [11:15] Their advice for couples on how to introduce your kids to your new dating partner? [13:30] How has The Smart Couple Podcast helped Chris & Billiejo in their relationship? [15:30] The big lesson that Billiejo learned from a big fight with Chris [19:00] Jayson gives his laser coaching on how to move beyond their repeating patterns. [20:15] The best reframe to heal from blame and resentment with an ex. [24:00] What to do to move beyond infidelity. [28:30] Jayson gives an action step to heal and process blame. [34:00]  

Codependency gets a bad rap. Parenting your partner? Who wants be married to their mom or dad? But there’s more to the story here. And lots of gold if you’re willing to reframe and play the “attachment” game in your primary relationship. My wife Ellen joins me again with her attachment knowledge and personal experience on how to track and parent your partner. We give some personal examples from our marriage as well. SHOWNOTES Why do people freak out when they hear the idea of “parenting your partner” or “co-dependency”? [13:30] What is attachment in a relationship? [18:00] The huge benefit of using the lens of attachment in a relationship. [20:30] What does it mean to parent your partner? [21:45] Track my partner? What does that even mean? [23:45] The “secure home base” and how it can be a great barometer of the relationship. [25:30] The physiological cost of not giving attention to your primary relationship. [27:45] 3 action steps you can take today to improve your relationship. [29:30] Jayson’s action step for the listener. [36:30] Leave your comments in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group

Most of us have no idea how damaging relational stress can be. In this episode, legendary medical doctor and psycho-physio-spiritual trailblazer Dr. Gabor Maté brings some very grounded, practical examples of how relationship stress can impact our lives. The result of stress can be seen throughout the web of our life and it’s up to us to learn how to relate and attach well to our fellow humans. I love how this man turns such complicated topics into common sense. If you want a deeper cut about your marriage, children, or any stressful relationship, this episode is a must listen. SHOWNOTES Why we’re evolutionarily wired to get high off of the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. [2:30] What happens when Gabor’s wife forgets to pick him up at the airport. [13:30] How our partners are perfectly suited to help us grow. [15:35] What happened in Gabor’s childhood that makes his wife a perfect match for him now. [18:00] The long-term cost of not dealing with stress. [20:00] How parents can be compromised by raising their children. [22:30] The link between our relationship health and our physical and mental health. [24:30] What’s the best way to deal with our own relational and attachment issues? [34:00] Why relational healing modalities are so effective. [38:00] What we can learn from pygmy cultures about parenting and relationships. [40:30] How relationship can most effectively be taught to children. [42:00] The effect of Facebook and Internet on kids. [46:00] Jayson gives an action step [50:30]