Relationship Coaching School Podcast

Fighting and emotional upset is just part of the program in a committed relationship over many years. But what separates the smart couple from people who really struggle is being able to repair well. In this episode, my wife Ellen Boeder covers why "the repair" is so critical in a strong partnership. It's essential as a parent, so why would it be any different with your partner. Listen in to get a few tips on how to do this fundamental skill and learn from Ellen and me as we share from our own marriage. SHOWNOTES What does a good relationship look and feel like? [7:00] Why feeling ‘safe’ is essential for a good relationship [8:00] Why ‘I’m sorry’ is a bad repair-strategy [18:00] What Ellen calls the ‘micro-repair’[20:00] How to really listen to your partner after conflict without getting triggered [23:00] What are some quick ways to reset the nervous system when words aren’t working? [30:00] Ellen’s advice on conflict and repair for couples [34:00]

QUESTION:I’m single and broken up with four months ago and have decided to take time out of the dating pool to get to know myself more, reflect on my last relationship and to enjoy my own company. The thing is, i know that in the near future, I want a partner. What is your advice on choosing a partner? To be more specific, I’m aware of the relationship process of the honeymoon phase, then the real partnership where you get to know the real person… Since in the honeymoon phase usually people try to be their best selves and not always their authentic selves, how can you identify these characteristics of growth and development mindsets, self-awareness, kindness, trustworthiness? - Mariana from Mexico SHOWNOTES Mariana’s question [1:00] What you can do to really get to know someone you’re dating [2:00] Why do we hide parts of ourselves from the person we're dating? [4:00] How do you get a great relationship? [7:00]

Here at The Relationship School®, we focus on the long-term relationship game. But what if you're ready for a relationship but can't find one? This week, I invited Marni Battista to help shed some light on how single women can break out of their comfort zones, start dating and find a quality guy (without repeating the same patterns over and over again). Make sure to listen for her advice on how to get past the last 10% of unconscious patterns that keep most single women stuck in their comfort zone. Here are a few of the highlights:   SHOWNOTES How Marni became a dating coach [9:00] Learning from mistakes and ‘bad dates’ [15:00] How people get stuck in blame and attract bad dates [16:00] How dating can reveal where you have unfinished self-work [24:00] What Marni calls the ‘love shield’ and how it can keep you stuck [26:00] The danger of quick-fix dating solutions [32:00] Baby-steps for women who need to leave a bad relationship [44:00] Does it matter how you date in the modern world? [36:00] The trap of binge-dating and burning out [38:00] The most common mistake people make in their dating profiles [40:00] Should you tell your date your non-negotiables on the first date? [43:00] Advice for singles who are dating [45:00]

QUESTION:I keep running away from relationships with the opposite sex when they start to get close or use the ‘L word’, basically because I think I’m not good enough for them or they’d end up leaving me. I also find it difficult to initiate talks with other people - what do I do? - Elias SHOWNOTES   This episode's question [1:00] The irony in running away because you're scared of being left [2:00] Fear of being alone is human. Here's how you can use it to build intimacy [3:00] Working on your triggers around abandonment [4:00] Owning your fear [6:00] Dealing with self-worth issues [8:00]

Pat Ogden PhD is a pioneer when it comes to somatic trauma therapy. Her work has touched many people including me. Even if you don't think you have any trauma, you likely have some living in your body that your partner will activate. In this episode, Pat has some great guidance to normalize and assist you in taking small steps that will greatly benefit you and your partner as you wade through the daily triggers of long-term relationship. SHOWNOTES What got Pat into studying human beings and trauma [10:00] How Pat helped women who had difficulty experiencing sexual pleasure [13:00] What is trauma? [17:00] Why we see the ‘freeze response’ in people who were abused as children [19:00] How childhood neglect can show up as trauma in adults [20:00] What’s happening in the bodies of a couple who fights all the time? [22:00] The pursuer and withdrawer dynamic in relationship [26:00] Can we rewire our nervous systems together as a couple? [28:00] The significance of the therapist-client bond [33:00] What couples can do at home to work with their automatic nervous system responses [37:00] Is there harm in retelling a traumatic story? [43:00] Pat’s advice on embodying the self [49:00]

QUESTION:What are your thoughts on the ‘Don’t go to bed angry’ rule? SHOWNOTES This episode's question [1:00] When taking a time-out overnight is the best thing you can do [3:00] Rigid rules vs agreements [6:00] How you can make agreements with your partner that leave room for flexibility [8:00]  

Ever feel like you're tolerating shitty behavior, shouldering the burden of being the ‘therapist’ in the relationship, or constantly giving to others (and talking yourself out of your own needs)? Valuing ourselves and having confidence in our boundaries is key to getting more of what you want and less of what you don’t want - especially in relationship. Danielle Laporte is an expert at helping women find their ‘white hot truth'.  She’s got a gift for translating spirituality, self-help and ‘new age’ thinking into something more palatable for women who are growth-oriented and wanting more in their lives. In this episode, we cover why it's a bad idea to be the therapist in the relationship, boundaries, feeling inadequate (and the lies that the 'new age' world sell us), thinking that we’re asking ‘too much,’ how to value yourself and much more. SHOWNOTES Danielle's story [11:00] The difference between someone who learns from their pain vs someone who stays stuck [18:00] How encouragement through childhood shapes who we grow into [19:00] The trap of believing you’re ‘not enough’ and what Danielle calls the ‘Lie of Inadequacy’ [29:00] The issue of inadequacy in relationship and what to do to counter feeling ‘not enough’ [36:00] What is the “Spiritual Woman Trap”? [38:00] Working with the inner-child to move toward wholeness [46:00] Why boundaries matter to the growth-oriented person [47:00] The ‘Poly movement’ - do open relationships work? [60:00] Advice for men, women, and parents [66:00]  

QUESTION:I feel like I’m doing my part setting boundaries, communicating my needs and asking for what I want.  What else can I try?I’ve done the work to learn how to express and articulate my needs, how I want to be treated, what’s not ok with me, behaviour that’s hurtful (very clearly with specific behaviours) and setting clear boundaries.  Some of the behaviours continue even though I’ve clearly told him I won’t tolerate it anymore. When I tell him how this specific behaviour impacts me, I often get a sarcastic “I’m sorry you feel this way” and he just doesn’t listen to me.   SHOWNOTES This episode's question [1:00] How does it feel to get 'I'm sorry you feel that way' from your partner? [2:00] How to diffuse the anger in a heated conversation [4:00] Training your partner to really listen to you [5:00]

Want to know one man's approach to calling in the one? How did he find his dream relationship? What exactly did he do? Then, how did he create the dream relationship even after it got really dark? Find out how to find and create a solid relationship through one man's inspiring story. Once again we learn a lesson from a man who was willing to face himself and go work on what he needed to. SHOWNOTES Dan’s story [4:00] Tools Dan and his wife use when they’re facing challenges in relationship [13:00] When to get help with relationship-trouble outside of the relationship [14:00] How getting clear on what you want on an online dating site can help you meet your dream man or woman [19:00] What Dan did to get himself prepared for marriage [20:00] The danger of pushing your own values onto your partner [29:00] What prevented Dan from bailing after two weeks of non-stop conflict with his wife [34:00] How Dan got into personal growth and men’s work [39:00] Dealing with stigma around men’s work [47:00] How to bring spirituality to men’s work [51:00] How a traditional ‘man’s man’ can relate to the more ‘feeling-centered’ side of men’s work [53:00] The shift in men’s culture and the rise of personal-growth for men [57:00]

QUESTION: Since a boundary of mine is about to be breached - again - does that spell the end of this particular partnership? I've been lying to myself and my partner about my ok-ness with her quarterly 7+ day adventures with a supposedly platonic friend of hers. It took almost a year to figure that out and come to a place of acceptance with it. Last night during a semi-routine check-in conversation I was finally able to be honest with myself and with her that these trips, which started after she and I began seeing each other just over a year ago, are not ok with me - to the point of being non-negotiable. It turns out that I need my partner to have me as their primary adventure person. In less than two weeks, my partner and this friend of hers are scheduled to embark on a 9 day climbing journey together. - Alex, CA SHOWNOTES Alex’s question [1:00] When people use spirituality as an excuse for not standing up for their needs [2:00] How to find win-win when making requests with your partner [4:00] The difference between setting setting boundaries with your partner and controlling them [6:00] When is it best to take what we’ve learnt from this relationship as practice for the next? [9:00]