Mutual Understanding

In this episode, I talk to my Twitter mutual Thinkwert about Twitter, the nature of whimsy, why he thinks Shakespeare is Shakespeare, and some general life stuff.Transcript:Divia (00:02)I'm here today with ThinkWert from Twitter. If you follow me on Twitter, you almost certainly also follow ThinkWert. checked and I think you were followed by 384 of the people that follow me, is a very high number. We're definitely in the same general vicinity. think, yeah. I think, so I got back on Twitter in, I think the end of the -Thinkwert (00:21)Same ecosystem, sure.Divia (00:29)At some point in 2019, I feel like that was around then when you started posting a bunch of tutors. Does that seem right?Thinkwert (00:34)It was like literally January 1st, 2020 that I kind of really hard launched ThinkWord. It was an old account I had for years and years and years, but I didn't really start honestly posting until literally like I decided that year I'm going to start really using Twitter a lot. And so, yeah, it's exactly four and a half years now.Divia (00:55)Yeah, no, I remember. think the first time you came up on my timeline, there was some reply and I'll pick a flower fairy for you. And I was like, I love flower fairies. I'll do that. So yeah.Thinkwert (01:02)Yeah. Yeah. That was also during the height of COVID too. So we had already had a lot of time. Everybody was on Twitter all the time.Divia (01:09)Right.Absolutely. Yeah, no, mean, in January, you probably, I mean, maybe you knew, but you probably didn't didn't quite know how it was going to play out. A couple of people knew in January.Thinkwert (01:16)I did.I knew before everybody else in my real life circles did because of Twitter. What everyone knew was that tidal wave was coming. I remember telling one of my classes, we're going for spring break, we're probably not coming back, take what you need with you. And nobody believed me. Every student was skeptical. said, OK, when we get back, you can laugh at me. You can laugh at me. I give you permission. But I'm telling you, we're not coming back. That's when Harvard had closed, Yale had closed, all the big schools closed.Divia (01:22)Because of Twitter. Yeah.YouYeah.Thinkwert (01:47)Yeah, we're gonna follow suit, we're gonna follow suit. So sure enough, I was right. For once, what am I predicting?Divia (01:52)It was a very bizarre time, I think, for a lot of people to be very online and then talking to people who weren't. And I think some people really like, I don't know, having the scoop or being contrarian or telling people. I was more like, no, no, I felt relieved by a lot when it became mainstream. I'm like, OK, I don't want to be the one trying to tell everyone that this is going to be a big thing. Heather, we're just... Yeah.Thinkwert (02:18)Yeah, the prophet in the square going, beware, beware, beware, it's not as fun. Like, yes, I told you so, is more fun. Yeah.Divia (02:24)Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so, OK, so it wasn't because of COVID. What was it in January? And sorry, let me finish my answer. So for people who don't know, think we're mostly posts a lot of great. I want to say memes, but not like with meme formats, not like the latest format that's going around. It's like you put a picture and some text and it's usually really funny. It's usually really whimsical. I think it's always really wholesome. Occasionally you'll postThinkwert (02:49)Yeah.Divia (02:53)You were just telling me before we started recording, you will sometimes post pictures of you holding your daughters. You've done that periodically also, but your bread and butter is like the funny, the picture and the text, funny stuff like that.Thinkwert (02:59)Yeah, yeah.Yeah, I would say the er, think word, post is a picture of an animal with a funny caption. That's probably a little bit whimsical, a little off kilter. But yeah, that tends to be the main way I post it. Yeah.Divia (03:23)Yeah, and as with the flower fairy thing, I don't know how often you're actually getting there, but the vibe is very much, at least from my perspective, like the illustrations in the books I read growing up.Thinkwert (03:33)Yeah, yeah, especially early on I used a lot of the child book illustrations. I went through the Wikipedia list of child book illustrators, like hundreds, looked up every single one of them and tried to find material to use for tweets. And I've kind of phased out of that a little more or less. yeah, definitely the first couple of years. That was my bread andDivia (03:41)Okay.So what was it that made you think you were going to get back into posting in January 2020?Thinkwert (04:06)trying to think of what my mindset was there. I've always liked to kind of be part of something social. I didn't really have any, I didn't even know what I wanted to do. I started posting just a lot of different things. lot of, you try to see what's stuck to the wall. I actually tried a lot of emoticon art early on, believe it or not. When nobody was following me, I tried to post these interesting things using emoticon art.Divia (04:29)Okay.Thinkwert (04:35)And that didn't take off. But no, it's still there. Yeah, do a search from January through March of 2020 of ThinkWord, and you'll find it. But nothing took off. Nothing took off. The one thing I had going for me was EigenRobot followed me. And every once in while, he'd retweet me, and I'd get followers. And so.Divia (04:37)Can I go back and see it or is it deleted? Okay.Thinkwert (05:02)A good tweet man also followed me and sometimes he retweeted me. And I would get new followers from that. And that kind of built. But then I found this, I guess, the voice, the whimsical images, particularly of animals or children's books, and adding a little comment. Whimsical, wholesome, sometimes a little bit dark, but nothing too R -rated on there. And that seemed to be what worked.Divia (05:29)And a lot of it is pretty self -referential, like about the Twitter experience, which I think people like.Thinkwert (05:34)Yeah, yeah. Well, I found that tweets about Twitter did well. I found that tweets about being a parent did not do well. So I kind of just follow the algorithm, OK? This is what people like. This what people don't like. So I kind of switched to match it. I think maybe I'm too old for the average Twitter user experience. They didn't have their own kids. So diaper joke didn't go off that well.Divia (05:40)Yeah.Right.Thinkwert (06:01)Tweets about Twitter, yeah, that always does gangbusters because that's a universal experience. And so I kind of made it a little game for myself, as in I'm going to write tweets, post tweets, keep track. I have records going back years of every tweet, how well it did. So my notes, my notes, say.Divia (06:23)What sort of records? Like in a spreadsheet or something? Okay.Thinkwert (06:31)September 23rd, 2024, here's a tweet. How well it did in the first five minutes, how well it did in the first 10 minutes, how many likes, how many retweets. You can kind of tell the trajectory and if it doesn't do well, delete it, post something else.Divia (06:43)Yeah, I you have a deleted word account also, right?Thinkwert (06:45)I deleted work. Yes, I will say I am less intense this in 2024. whereas I used to probably work three or four hours a day on tweets, I write 150 tweets a week. It's probably down to about 20. I think I'm down to more moderate levels. But that really was my growth period. I'm kind of a little bit plateau now.Divia (06:52)Mm -hmm, I bet deleting.Okay, so hearing you talk about it, seems like a bunch of your motivation was like the sort of the puzzle of what people are responding to and how you can make more of that.Thinkwert (07:17)Yeah. Yeah. So it's a game. It's a game. When I was a little boy, 10 years old, we lived in an apartment and had a high wall in a courtyard. I'd take a soccer ball and kick against the wall and count how many times I could do it. Five. OK, then I'd try again. Six. And try to come to little competitions and different things and just playing with myself for hours at a time.Divia (07:44)MmThinkwert (07:45)And that's what Twitter was. I mean, I also had a social component, but I'm just like, does this work? No, it doesn't work. Okay, try something else. Does this work? Doesn't work. No, don't do this. Something else. And then, okay, this works, this works. And that was kind of the feedback loop that I went into. But I wasn't really doing it for anybody except me. was just a game. Twitter was a game.Divia (08:04)Right, and it wasn't like, I mean, I guess now you can monetize a little bit, but it wasn't about that either, because at the time there was nothing like that.Thinkwert (08:08)Yeah, right. was pre -monetization. So yeah, I have monetization now, but I didn't have it at the time there. So yeah, it was for the love of the game, so to speak.Divia (08:20)Yeah, it's interesting hearing you talk about it because I just use Twitter in such a different way and I'm always more like afraid of responding too much to what people like because it seems like, you know, I rarely have tweets that blow up. But what I do, sometimes it's because I managed to say something funny or I posted some meme just before somebody else did that I didn't even make. But sometimes also it's because I...can I say something offensive or like more than I meant to or something like that? So I'm usually like, all right, let me steer clear of that. Let me not try to get audience captured. But then it's fun to hear the other side of it. Like you're posting this cool stuff and you are making a game of seeing what people respond to and that that also can be great. I think it's helpful for me to think about that.Thinkwert (08:50)I'm gonna...Yeah.Well, I think too, because I'm an anonymous account, because I don't really talk about my Twitter account, I don't have to worry about my real life persona and the think word persona kind of complicating each other. Right. So the think word persona is its own thing. And so it's not me and me. Right.Divia (09:26)Yeah, you're a professor. Do your students ever know that you have this account?Thinkwert (09:31)Yeah, in fact there was an article in the school newspaper about it last year about it. I mentioned it to somebody and the word gets around. got around. I don't, I feel like too many students follow me. I don't know if Thinkware is too popular, sorry, Twitter is too popular on this campus. And I've heard recently there's more restrictions on new accounts. if you start a new account on Twitter due to bot stuff.Divia (09:35)Okay.Yeah.Thinkwert (09:58)that it's harder to apply to people unless you pay the money to get in the account. yeah, don't quote me on that. I'm a little murky on how the new changes are happening. But I have a few on there and I follow and I interact with some students every once in a while. But mostly it's just stuff. I don't post anything too controversial, so I'm not too worried about anything in trouble with administration or anything.Divia (09:59)Interesting.Sure.Thinkwert (10:26)Maybe about the amount of time I spend on Twitter, that might be a concern. Not so much what I'm posting.Divia (10:27)No, that makes sense.I mean, I imagine, my guess would be if that's how you treat your Twitter hobby, you're probably pretty dedicated with your work as well.Thinkwert (10:45)I would think so, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're definitely separate spheres, I would say, and they don't interact much.Divia (10:47)Yeah, sounds like that's your personality.Yeah, so I posted on Twitter asking if there was anything I should ask you. We got a few questions, not too many, but one of them was, what is the essence of whimsy? So as a top whimsy account on Twitter and also English professor, you probably have a pretty good answer.Thinkwert (11:03)Yeah.I probably should have a ready answer for this. I think it's something slightly off -kilter, something unexpected, but it's also very playful. A little bit like lobbing that tennis ball to somebody and expecting them to lob it back, right? In other words, I'm being silly, I'm being goofy.but I'm expecting you, the audience, to kind of pick it up. Pick it up and see the joke, see the gag in there, and play with what that is, what is going on there. I often, back in the old days, I'd have a composition of a, this is a whimsy Twitter, this is political Twitter, or politics Twitter, and politics Twitter is also always horrible, horrible, horrible. Dante, Hades,Divia (12:10)Right.Thinkwert (12:12)War, blood, and whimsy Twitter was fun, sweet, calm, wholesome. So I try pretty hard to stay apolitical in what I post. You probably can tell from reading my Twitter account that I'm not posting a lot of politics. I guess I can't honestly say I never, but I basically never post about politics. I kind of want to kind of make a little oasis away from that.Divia (12:38)I think a lot of people want that, right?Thinkwert (12:40)Yeah, and I think that's part of the Peel of Thinkward account is that it's not culture war. It's not about if my opponent gets selected, the sky's going to fall in sort of thing.Divia (12:52)Yeah, I actually, do you know the word, I've learned this word on Twitter, I've never heard it used in real life, prelapsarian.Thinkwert (12:59)Yeah, yeah, like before the fall.Divia (13:01)Yeah, and that's the style of those children's book illustrations of like the animals frolicking and stuff like that. That's at least one way people use that word.Thinkwert (13:06)Okay, yes. A lot of the Jehovah's Witness art has that prelapsarian feel to it too. You ever seen a Jehovah's Witness art? Jehovah's Witness track art? Yeah, that's very prelapsarian. It often will show kind of very paradise, people smiling. I don't mean to denigrate it at all because there's a real charm. Sincerely, there is a real charm to it. But it has a very utopian...Divia (13:14)Yeah. Sorry? no, I haven't seen it.Thinkwert (13:35)glossy pictures, everything will be great. Sense of kind of vibrating with joy about it. you Google Jehovah's Witness tracked art, you'll see what I want.Divia (13:44)Yeah.Okay, I'll look it up. Yeah, so what's your current, you'd mentioned that originally you'd gone through and found all the children's books, authors and compiled pictures that way, but yeah, what's your current way of sourcing your pictures?Thinkwert (13:59)the, well, like I said, I've had the gas off the pet a little bit really since last year. but really I have a couple of Tumblr accounts that I follow that are really interesting, strange, and then some TikTok accounts that I follow. So I've been posting a lot more videos this last year and, often I'll also just go back and recycle some old tweets as well. butreally it's I think Tumblr is kind of where I get the best images now.Divia (14:30)And then how do you find accounts to follow on Tumblr?Thinkwert (14:33)Mostly do a search for term like whimsy or berries or something like that. And then find people that kind of have that really interesting images and sensibilities. used to use Pinterest. I used to use Reddit. But I don't use those so much. But yeah, there's a lot of kind of trawling, looking at images, looking at images. Sometimes back in the day, I would say I literally look over 1 ,000 images trying to find some.try to find something that seemed interesting.Divia (15:06)And then can you put into words when you see something, what makes you respond to it, you think?Thinkwert (15:12)That's a good question. Most of it is if is it fresh to me like it's something I haven't seen before and is is there something happening in the image. So that sounds strange but a picture of a ferry or a spaceship are often very boring because you're just looking at a ferry or a spaceship. There's nothing happening. There's nothing happening.Divia (15:17)MmYeah, okay.Thinkwert (15:39)This is what I found early on is that you could collect 20 fairy pictures and they're not interesting. It's just a picture of a fairy. So there had to be some kind of action or gag or some context in the back. I realize I'm sounding very vague here. But it's all kind of same.Divia (15:56)No, I'm looking, I'm scrolling through looking at some of your pictures and I'm like, yeah, I think I can see what you're saying. So like your Pinch tweet, which says, a code, I will be kind, I will not thirst, I will not sneer, I will not be bitter, that stuff. And you have a guy holding, I don't know, he's a knight or something, but he has a, like maybe not. He has a sword though, and he has these, I'm like, yeah, he's doing something. Like this, I'm sorry, he does have a helmet, but it's, but he's taken it off and he's kneeling before this altar.Thinkwert (16:14)Yeah, yeah, right.Yeah. Yeah. And that pin tweet is a pretty good representation of kind of what I'm after. As I say that applies there, it's more aspirational than followed in practice. In other words, this is my goal, not so much of I've arrived. This is what I do, is what I want to do.Divia (16:42)Sure. Yeah, no, think you convey that it's not meant to be the most serious.Thinkwert (16:47)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's kind of a little bit of what I'm after.Divia (16:54)Yeah, or if I scroll a little more and I see the picture of like the cat reading the warrior cats books, I'm like yeah there's something happening.Thinkwert (17:00)Something happening there. Yeah, yeah, there's some context there.Divia (17:04)Okay, so you're scanning and you're looking for things that like maybe aesthetically you like, but also like sort of affords kind of like it has a of a plot already in there.Thinkwert (17:13)Yeah, right, right. There's something at work there. And then save a bunch of images, then pull something up and try to find a caption, gag, something a little off -kilter. If you insert whatever the end joke of the week for Twitter is, you can, but it alsoDivia (17:35)Right. That helps a lot, right, for engagement.Thinkwert (17:41)You don't gain new followers with that. You get a lot of likes, you won't gain new followers because it's the same joke they've heard all before. They're liking it because they've heard the joke, but they're not going to follow you because they already know the joke. So it's hard to tell, but it's usually something that is sharp and pithy and a little bit original and new, a little bit of skew.Divia (17:43)Okay.Okay.Yeah, what does tend to get new followers?Thinkwert (18:11)I find that if I tried to get too long and complicated, you know, I'm an English professor, I like the semicolons and the commas and the clauses connecting to one another. Those, if it can't be quick, they don't work. They don't work. You need something that kind of punches, punches, punches hard and is a little bit something like they haven't seen before.Divia (18:18)Yeah.Do you have, like, you, can you remember, there particular tweets of yours that got you a lot of new followers?Thinkwert (18:44)If you typed in thinkwart and wispies, W -H -I -S, yes. Thinkwart and wispies, I think I almost spelled it right. W -H -I -S -P -I -E -S. We're going to find it.Divia (18:50)Okay, I'll also open it in.Thinkwert (19:04)And it's.Divia (19:05)Wispies are giant creatures that live in the Scottish Highlands. This one, they are generally harmless, but their intense curiosity can be alarming to the bystander. They're 99 .8 % water vapor. these are... Yeah, and then it looks like these clouds with eyes and like tenderly fingers. Like these creatures.Thinkwert (19:08)Yes.Yeah, that one got me a ton of new followers. I think it's. No, no, no, no. In fact, in reply, I list the source of the images. Yeah, that is something I found on Tomler. But.Divia (19:33)And you, did you create this image or did you find it?Yeah, because it has 32k likes, which is a lot, but you often get a lot. That's not so many more likes than you sometimes get, right?Thinkwert (19:49)Right, right. Yeah, so it's interesting. Sometimes I find something on TikTok and I'll post it that's amusing. It'll get 30 ,000 likes. I don't get a lot of followers because...Divia (19:58)Right. But okay, but this one people were like, I'm this is new or something like that's the theory.Thinkwert (20:02)This is the one people... Yeah, think it's the whimsy. And also it requires people to catch on that it's not real, right? But it's real -ish in this...Divia (20:12)Yes.Yeah, because when I click on the first one, like, okay, but that's, that would be a very strange cloud. But then, you know, I look at the other ones, I'm like, this is definitely not, this is not something that actually looks like this.Thinkwert (20:25)Yeah. But it kind of requires that the audience realizes it's a gag, they play along, and they're like, OK, yeah. So this is something that we see here. I used to use a lot of AI images, and they got a lot of traction out of followers. But there seemed to a turn around in a 2023, where people come.Divia (20:50)the ones that you generated or that other people had.Thinkwert (20:52)Some of them I generated, some of them I found. I did have a mid -journey account that I used for several months, and I had some good success with it. But I also found that people got kind of annoyed. A lot of people talked with the AI images.Divia (21:04)Yeah, I could see that because, yeah, they definitely, I'm sure there are ones that I wouldn't be able to clock as AI, but there is a thing where I can tell that it's AI and I used to be like, that's cool, know, technology. And now I guess maybe I'm the same as everyone else. I'm like, all right, well, I know that AI can do that now and it has that sort of distinctive look and.Thinkwert (21:26)It's flabbergasting how quickly that happened, right? In touring, we'd deal with a dolly, two images. I was like, this is, you can't tell, this is amazing. This is miraculous, really. And then two years later, it's like, ugh, right. Yeah, it's so amazing.Divia (21:29)Yeah, totally.And it's still, yeah, it's still part of me is like, of course, it's a miracle. Like imagine going back, you know, I used to, studied computer science in college. Not that I was ever very deep in any of stuff, but my friends used to be like, wouldn't it be, you know, you should get the computers to make these pictures. I'm like, guys, you have no idea that's so hard. That you can't do anything like that. you know, so I do remember when very, the state of the art was very far from that.Thinkwert (22:07)Yeah, it did seem to the naive person like, I thought computers could always do that. Why is that new?Divia (22:11)Right. Yeah, no, in some ways I think I'm able to be more impressed with it because I was studying computer science when people were sort of trying and completely failing to do things like that.Thinkwert (22:25)But yeah, anyway, I was using AI images quite a bit. I've really, I wouldn't say I've stopped using them, but I don't use them so much, partly because it felt like people were unfollowing or blocking or really negative towards AI images. But like I said, I respond to what people tell me, at least how would I get in the likes and retweets, and kind of follow from that.Divia (22:38)That's too bad.Right.Yeah, you know, I was just thinking actually, because I don't really have viral tweets myself. I think one of my top tweets was just some early reply to one of your jokes with some other joke. was something about a, like, some old internet joke about the husband pranking his wife that he'd taken a coyote into the house or something. Okay, so one of the other questions that we got.Thinkwert (23:10)Yeah.Divia (23:17)This was from Science Banana. What is your ideal application for the allegedly upcoming AR glasses? I don't know if you've spoken about this before, but Banana thought you might have a take.Thinkwert (23:27)but yeah, I have not looked into it. I really don't have an answer to it. I always thought it'd be kind of neat to be able to enter like a classic movie mode. I think I'd go into a noir film and solve it, kind of like a game, except it'd be kind of more cinematic quality.I know you've got kind of things that do that already. So yeah, I'm afraid I don't have a good answer for you, Yeah,Divia (24:01)Fair enough.Okay, and so also when we were planning this podcast, you mentioned to me some stuff that you have a lot of thoughts on that aren't as Twitter -centric. And so I would also love to hear your thoughts on, you think Shakespeare is actually Shakespeare.Thinkwert (24:13)Yes. Right.I think Shakespeare is Shakespeare. Yeah, yeah.Divia (24:22)Yeah, and this is one of those things, have a very sort of casual level of engagement with this. I've talked to a couple friends over the years that have opinions. I've read some blog posts, but I don't really have my own opinion. So can you lay it out for me? What's the...Thinkwert (24:34)Well, I'm glad I get a chance to rant about this, because I've been meaning to rant about it. part of it is that.don't know if I want to actually get into fights with people online about this. So I'll preface this by saying I'm not so much interested in refuting arguments as laying out a case of why I think William Shakespeare, the actor, was the same William Shakespeare who wrote the plays. All right, so let me lay out, first let me lay out why there's a controversy at all. Okay, why do some people think that Shakespeare was not Shakespeare?Divia (24:46)YouThinkwert (25:12)Well, nobody thought this until like the late 1800s. So Shakespeare, yeah. So Shakespeare is like 1568 is when he's born. He dies, I want to say 1630 somewhere. But in his lifetime, nobody ever, no, there was no gossip. There was no doubt about it. Yeah, we have people talk about him and nobody says anything.Divia (25:17)At the time, everyone took for granted that of course he was.And we have contemporary accounts of various types.Thinkwert (25:41)There's a few strange things that are said about him, but nobody says, by the way, he didn't write the plays. So in the late 1800s, you have this American lady who actually is caught in the tomb of Shakespeare trying to open it up like she has a pickaxe and she's hacking away because she's convinced that there was no way that he was actually Shakespeare. yeah, where Shakespeare's buried, like she wants to prove the tomb is empty. There was no, there was no.Divia (26:04)With the guy in the tomb, you mean?Okay, so this is separate issue from whether he wrote the plays. She wants to prove that he's not in the tomb. Okay.Thinkwert (26:12)Well, yeah, so this is like hundreds of years later, she's convinced Shakespeare is not Shakespeare. So why do people think Shakespeare was not Shakespeare? And so then after that, you have these different candidates.Divia (26:23)Sorry, but even if he wasn't, even if someone else wrote the plays, what would that have to do with the tomb? Am I missing something obvious?Thinkwert (26:28)Well, I think she was not properly emotionally balanced, it's probably fair to say. But she believed there was a conspiracy, she believed there was a lie, and she was exposed to the conspiracy for the lie. But it kind of becomes this popular parlor game for the next 150 years of Shakespeare wasn't Shakespeare, there was somebody else. And who that somebody else? There's a lot of different candidates thatDivia (26:35)Sure, okay.So she could just find out something, she could go to the tomb. Okay.Thinkwert (26:57)There's like a new one every couple years who the actual Shakespeare was But I say that that it's Most likely Shakespeare was Shakespeare. Okay, so why do I believe that well Shakespeare starts a Playing company. He's already got a little bit reputation as a writer in around 1594 he's one of the key people that starts his playing company so so they wouldput on productions, these about 12 guys would, they'll just be a corporation, cut the prices among them, each had so many shares and they'd make money fromAnd starting from about 1594 till about 1606, there's about two plays a year that Shakespeare writes for the playing company. And they become really rich and they become really famous. In fact, when Queen Elizabeth dies and King James takes over, he makes their playing company, his playing company, King James's personal playing company. Like you're the Kingsman now.You're not the Lord Campbell's men, you're the Kingsman. You're now part of, you're like my key guys, the ones that I claim for my own. So A, if there's a fake writer out there, which we have no reason to believe, but if there is, he's willing to give William all the money and all the fame, and he's writing them two plays a year. All right, what's the motivation?Why are you doing so much work if you're never going to get any of the laurels? There's also strange things. why do people not want to believe Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare? Well, we have six copies of his signatures, and he spelled his name differently every time. So like in official court documents, Shakespeare spells his name. He's never consisted about it. In fact,Divia (28:34)Yeah.Yeah.And is that kind like, don't, knew the spelling didn't use to be so standardized. So is that typical of that era or.Thinkwert (29:01)Right. Yeah. Yeah, it's very typical of the era and it kind of doesn't matter that you spell it consistently. He's just kind of he's just writing it down any way he wishes. But people interpret that as, this guy was illiterate. The guy who wrote this William Shakespeare is not the William Shakespeare. He's just an actor, right? He's just just dapper.Divia (29:29)Yeah, that seems to be a lot of what people are saying that he wasn't educated enough, he wasn't enough of an elite, things along those lines,Thinkwert (29:33)Yeah. So he never went to the Oxford or Cambridge. He was kind of country educated out there, Stratford upon Avon. And then he strolls into the big city and somehow he writes the most beautiful prose in poetry of the English language. So how does that guy, how does the country bumpkin guy become really mute? That's right. so the always a suspect tends to be someone who is nobility.Divia (29:54)Yeah, that seems to be why people don't believe it.Thinkwert (30:03)Right? Rich and kind of disconnected. We have curious little things in Shakespeare's plays. I'm trying to find the exact wording. His vocabulary changes. For example, Shakespeare wrote in the older verb form of did go, which is more of the country form. Later on, he starts writing more of the went, the went verb form in later plays. So that suggests.Divia (30:26)Hmm.Thinkwert (30:29)that he had more of a rustic accent when he's writing at first, and then he starts changing it. Shakespeare did not like to write about the city of London. In other words, he wasn't interested in the politics and the goings on of the London of his time. So if you're noble person, isn't that what you're thinking about? Isn't that what you're interested in? Is that what you want to talk about?Divia (30:31)at first.Okay.which you would think some nobility who had grown up spending a lot of time in London might be more natural.Thinkwert (30:57)Almost all of Shakespeare's plays are heavily interested in families. The fact there's only one play we know that does not involve a family, and that was a late play that Shakespeare finished for somebody. Someone else started the play and he just finished the play for somebody else. We also know that Shakespeare...Divia (31:02)Yeah.Wait, so sorry, but what do you think the significance of the family thing is?Thinkwert (31:18)Because if there is somebody who is single noble lord out there who is secretly writing the text, he would also have to be as interested in the theme of family, which is possible. But it seems that that's not who the usual suspects tend to be. They tend to be that lone genius who's writing.Divia (31:23)like nobility would have been less focused on family.And I don't, okay. And I don't even know, does Shakespeare have a family? I'm pretty ignorant about this. He did. Okay.Thinkwert (31:46)yeah, yeah, he had a wife, had several kids. They were out of town in Stratford. In fact, he ended up buying a big amount of property out of Stratford and that's where he retires, outside of London. I mean, and nowadays it's like an hour and a half from London, but in those old days, was like a day or two away. And they would have seasons, there were seasons and he'd go back and his wife pregnant, they have another kid and he'd go back to London and work for a while. But it seemed like...Divia (31:57)Okay.Okay, no, just so you're saying it's more natural that he would write about family because he did have a family and most of the other people that are, they're like, that could have been Shakespeare. They didn't even have families. Got it.Thinkwert (32:16)Go ahead.Yeah.Most of these were with subject matter. So subject matter one, yeah. But really what it comes down to, and another little curious thing is one of Shakespeare's big plays was Henry IV. So if you're familiar with Falstaff, he was kind of the big, fat comic character of Shakespeare's. He was a huge hit. We know this. He was the Mickey Mouse to the Walt Disney for Hamlet.Divia (32:51)Okay.Thinkwert (32:53)seriously, because there's a list of pop culture references in London of the time, and Falstaff explodes. People talk about Falstaff all the time. He is kind of like I said, he's his Mickey Mouse, his big character. His actor is called William Kemp. He's a comic actor and Shakespeare is always writing a role for comic characters.Divia (33:10)Okay.Thinkwert (33:20)Why even in tragedies he has to have a funny. OK. Why. Right. If you are the guy pseudo Shakespeare out there and you don't care you're just writing your beautiful poetry for these these playwrights to do is this playing company to do why do you always make sure to have a role for the funny guy. Right. Yeah. So so the.Divia (33:23)I do know this much. I've read some Shakespeare in school. I used to go see some plays.Okay, you think that just, fits better with him actually being an actor and caring about his fellow, his company.Thinkwert (33:49)who's writing the plays knows the cast really, really well. He knows the cast really, really well. So, I mean, I guess it's possible that someone who doesn't know the cast could also be writing, but it makes more sense to think it's somebody who lives and breathes and eats with these guys every single day, right? He knows these, so he writes characters for him. So this is Kemp actually, because Falstaffs is so big, he ends up leaving the playing company.The speculation is that he wanted more money. They were coming out with a sequel and he wanted another role and they didn't give it to him. Yeah, so Henry IV, part one. Paul Staff is kind of a minor character in there, but he's like the breakout star, right? He's the breakout character. He's Urkel of Family Matters, even though the reference there, right? He's the Urkel. So they make a sequel.Divia (34:26)sequel sorry for for one of the plays you meanright, okay.Yes, I do. I'm the right age.Thinkwert (34:47)And that does Henry IV, part two. I'm beginning this mixed up. Actually, think next is Mary Wives of Windsor because according to legend, Queen Elizabeth asked Shakespeare for a sequel and it's pretty terrible. According to legend, he had to it in two weeks. yeah, yeah, Henry IV, part one. It's a masterpiece. It looks great. Mary Wives of Windsor spins off.Divia (35:06)This was, the first edition of Henry IV, part two?Thinkwert (35:16)with Falstaff as a kind of a comic character in love is terrible. I it has its defendants, but generally speaking, Shakespeare wrote it too fast. Again, know, writing something for the money or because the queen asked you is another sign that maybe it's the actual Shakespeare who's writing these things. And then the fourth part two where Falstaff comes back, it's a kind of weird play. It basically is a remake of the first play.Divia (35:22)Okay.Thinkwert (35:45)Apparently not as big, but Falstaff is still very funny and it's still very good. At the end of Henry IV, part two, so again, we're three plays in, Falstaff has more lines than any other Shakespeare character in any of the plays. It promises at the end of Henry IV, we're get sequel. We're gonna get another, you're gonna see Falstaff one more time. One more time. Will Kemp, who plays Falstaff, quits. Like I said, apparently he wants more money. He wants more money, more shares.they part ways, he goes away. So when Henry V comes around, Shakespeare writes, he dies off screen. It's a very touching scene, but basically he dies off stage somewhere, Falstaff dies, and we never see him again. He never brings him back, because that was the Wilk Kemp character. Again, if it was an outside playwright who was writing this, why would he care? Why would he care? So then we have another actor whose name I'm trying to remember.Divia (36:37)Why would he care so much about that? Yeah.Thinkwert (36:44)who plays as Wilkamp, he's kind of the new clown, and his name is Robert Armand. And he's a much more witty guy. He's not fat, he's not big, he's thin as a rail. And so Shakespeare writes things for a witty actor. So he has all the rules of stage, you know that famous speech, all the rules of stage, he writes that for Robert Armand playing Jakes, because that is a kind of acerbic.Divia (37:06)Yeah.Thinkwert (37:13)little piece. It really doesn't even fit in the play that well, as you like it, frankly, but it's a brilliant piece. It's by itself, it's just an amazing little monologue. If you've seen King Lear or watched King Lear, there's that fool character who's so sharp and acerbic and says these kind of strange, slanted things against or mocking King Lear. He's the only one who can do it. That's another Robert Armand role that Shakespeare wrote for him. So my argument iswhy would these roles be so perfectly tailored for those actors unless it was somebody who knew that cast so intimately and so well.Divia (37:48)YeahOkay, but say there was someone, and again, I didn't even know if Schaefer had a family, I know almost nothing, but say there was someone who was really writing these, wouldn't he be going to see them all the time also? Like, wouldn't he care about the actors in that way?Thinkwert (38:09)I guess, I mean, he would have to know them really well, so I think that's plausible, but it seems like the most plausible case would be for the person whose name is on the marquee, William Shakespeare. He would be the one who would know more.Divia (38:25)Yeah, I mean, I think the thing that I, it's very interesting what you're saying about the, that he's writing it for the actors. I think the thing, again, not knowing much context that I find more persuasive is, well, that there wasn't any question about this at the time and that Shakespeare was getting all the money and the recognition, which does, and so does, from your perspective, does it not even really seem surprising that he could do this even though he didn't have as much formal education?Thinkwert (38:40)Hell, glory. Yeah. Yeah.I mean, I think he was kind of a preternatural genius. I don't know a way to put it. But it is interesting having read so much Shakespeare is that you see the early work and you see stuff that doesn't work. Doesn't work. You see flashes and then you see a lot of dead stuff. Reading Richard III, you see the Richard III character is fantastic. The rest of the play is kind of bad. But later on, he gets so good at it.Divia (38:57)Yeah.Thinkwert (39:23)And then towards the end of his career, you kind of see he stops caring so much and he passes things off. He co -writes more. And so early on you see more of a tutelage stage and then you see this other stage of less caring. And then you see the master craft kind of peeking and it matches. King Lear is probably the one that moves me most. Hamlet is probably the best.Divia (39:45)to your favorite Shakespeare play.Thinkwert (39:53)The one that I come back to is what's called the first technology, which is Henry IV, part one, part two, Henry V, and it starts with, sorry, Richard II at the top. And it kind of is about this, almost this original sin of usurping Richard II and how it goes down the generations. They try to fix it finally with Henry V. And it's basically about that whole, the Bollingbrook family.So I would say those are probably my favorites. King Lear is the one that gets me in the gut every time. It's the one that moves me.Divia (40:33)What is it about King Lear?Thinkwert (40:36)I think it is that spectacular bleakness. What's interesting to think about King Lear is he bases, Shakespeare bases it on early legend of King Lear. And in the original legend, the story that his audience would have been aware of, it has a happy ending. He's reunited with Cordelia, they defeat the rebellion, King Lear reigns, then he dies happily a few years later with the arms of his daughter.That's not what Shakespeare does. Spoiler alert for anybody who's not seen King Lear. It's awful. His daughter dies. He's gone insane. She heals him. He basically restores him. And then she's hung. And he's on stage holding her and weeping. And then he kills over and dies too. And we basically have his body being carted off at the end. And it's so bleak.Divia (41:10)Yeah.Thinkwert (41:34)And I can only imagine the shock of the audience who, knowing the way the story was, were just flabbergasted. Yeah. And as far as I know, I don't know if Shakespeare ever so radically changing the way the story is supposed to go into something totally new. It's written towards the end of his career. And I think he's basically, he's got nothing left to prove, right? He doesn't have to worry so much about audience reaction. He's confident in what he's doing. And it's a...Divia (41:39)Yeah, they really would have been expecting something very different.Thinkwert (42:04)It's amazing, yeah. It also helps that I'm a father of three daughters myself, so I resonate with that too.Divia (42:13)Yeah, that makes sense. you want to tell the podcast a little about your family? We were chatting about this a bit before we started recording.Thinkwert (42:18)Yeah, so, yeah, I'll try to avoid real names. I've been married for 15 years, and we have an older daughter who's 13. And I have twin daughters, who if you follow my Twitter account, you probably know, who are nine years old. in April, did we talk about this on? I don't know if we talked about it on camera or not. We talked about it before. But if you do think we're twins, you'll find them.Divia (42:38)They're the ones in the picture where you're the back of you and the front of them.Thinkwert (42:48)There's a picture, backwards picture I take with them every year. You can see my bald head in the back. as the girls are grinning, we've done it every single year since they were about eight months old. Just classic funny picture. In fact, it got into People Magazine. They posted it on one of their May issues this year. So if you really want to know who I am, you can look through all the old issues of People Magazine this year and find me in there.So yeah, it was it was a lot of fun, but the girls are as we talked about they're nonverbal autistic Which I think actually helped these photos because they are so unmannered and then there's we're not they're not posing at all for the cameras They don't care about at all So the the laughs the grins that they have on there are totally natural and unforced on there, but yeah, they're both fairly severely nonverbal autisticDivia (43:27)Thanks a mix.Right.Yeah, I'm curious about something like, I don't know, like what do you think it's like for them? like, how do you think their minds, I'm sure you've thought about this a lot and seen it over the years. Like, how do you think their minds work?Thinkwert (44:05)I, you know, I don't know. I don't think they're unhappy. I think they know what they, they want, what they like, you know, you have to keep the pink starburst away from them. they, they, they like perfumes, sweet smelling things. And they'll, they'll hunt that. They're very picky eaters, but what they eat, they'll like to eat. But, like I was saying earlier, I don't think I've ever had a,Divia (44:21)That's their favorite.Thinkwert (44:36)question or inquisitive question from them. Like here's what I want, what I want, but questions about the world around them. So it's what is the world like from their mind? I don't know. I think they have a happy life and a good life, but it's hard to know what they're thinking, you know.Divia (44:57)Yeah. And do you have, I don't know, do you think, I always think in some ways the most interesting perspectives, like from real life people, obviously some people study this stuff, people who either have twins, especially identical twins, or they have some children that are genetically theirs and some that are adopted. So do you have any, what are your thoughts on children and genetics and from your own experience?Thinkwert (45:17)Yeah, mean, having identical twins, they both have pretty equally severe autism, which suggests really a genetic component, right? If they're identical twins and they have pretty much the same severity of autism, it does suggest something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they are both different personalities. One is much more bold and outgoing. The other one will copy her.Divia (45:33)And it's probably been there from the beginning too.Thinkwert (45:46)We have to get one of the girls dressed because the other one will want to match what the first one does. She refuses to get dressed until she sees what the one wears and she wants match. The first one doesn't care. She doesn't care at all what her sister wears. And so we always have to dress C first and then R will dress according to what C wears. And R is much more quiet and reticent. C is much more bold.Divia (45:51)yeah.Interesting.Thinkwert (46:16)Unfortunately, C likes to hit, but R doesn't unless she's been hit by C. Then sometimes she'll back. But when R would throw a fit, when she gets overwhelmed, she'll throw a huge fit just smashing the ground. When C gets upset, she just weeps. She just breaks down, weeps, weeps, weeps, unconsolably. you see difference in the personalities between the two identical twins. But there's definitely a connection there.Divia (46:22)Yeah.Yeah.Thinkwert (46:45)with the autism.Divia (46:47)Yeah, I've known a few pairs of identical twins in my life. It's interesting how, and you know, I'm talking to their parents too sometimes, like how the differences can be very pronounced from the very beginning, but it's obviously not genetic. So I get maybe there's just some little path dependent thing or maybe they differentiate early or I don't know.Thinkwert (47:04)Yeah.Yeah, I don't either.Divia (47:14)Do they ever look at your Twitter pictures? Do ever show them to your kids?Thinkwert (47:18)My eldest does. Sometimes she'll give me ideas for her tweets. S**t, bless her heart. She was playing Roblox and there was some kind of competition for online personality. Like, you dress your little Roblox figure as an online personality. And so she dressed up as Thinqort. And she got last place. Because no one knew what Thinqort was.Divia (47:36)Okay.Because no one knew who she meant. Is this like one of those fashion famous like those types of... Yeah, my kids play Roblox.Thinkwert (47:51)Yeah, yeah, something like that. So God bless her, that was so sweet. But I said, honey, hardly anybody would know what Thinkware was. Not especially 10 -year -old, 12 -year -old kids on Roblox. They're not going to know what Thinkware is. But I thought it was a sweet little homage. Yeah, So she thinks I'm famous, at least on Roblox.Divia (48:04)That's really sweet.I mean, in my world you are, like I said.Thinkwert (48:15)Yeah, yeah, very very micro niche way, I suppose.Divia (48:24)Yeah, so a couple more Twitter type questions. Do you have, you have thoughts on, I don't know, like how Twitter, especially since Elon and there's this perennial, you said you don't really think of it in these terms, in teapot, you know, is it, is it what it used to be? Any, you have thoughts on any of that stuff?Thinkwert (48:27)Okay.Yeah.I kind of feel like I've been on the periphery of T -POD. There's some of those diagrams that come up every once in a while where they kind of make a little unit, like constellation. You know I'm talking about? Some of them. And usually think word is kind of somewhere on the outside, like looking in. Like I'm really friendly and amiable with a lot of the T -POD folks. Yes. Yes.Divia (48:52)Yeah, yeah, there's maps and things.Yeah.Yeah, and you said you got a lot of your early followers from Eigenrobot, so that part tracks.Thinkwert (49:09)Right, right. So I do have a lot of the same connection and I'm kind of sympathetic with Teapot overall and I positive feelings. But like many people, don't know how I I do. Yeah, please. I'm sorry for me too.Divia (49:21)So for anyone who's listening, who's not following this, Teapot stands for this part of Twitter, which could really mean anything, sort of by the very words, but there's a cluster of Twitter users.Thinkwert (49:35)Yeah, it's a cluster of Twitter users, pretty good way put it. I would say very intelligent, hyperarticulate, and kind of not to flatter them too much, but a little more immune to the meanplexes of the dominant cultural ideology than other places. Not perfectly immune, you know, and I can imagine some people right now yelling at me for even saying it.Divia (49:56)Yeah, I think that's the that's at least what we're going for.Thinkwert (50:05)But I think that they don't.Divia (50:06)think it tends maybe a little more like inward focused also too like maybe as evidenced by the name like you know arguably can be sort of navel gaze -y but also like also I think people are friends with each other a lot like it really is there not that it's one friend group but but a lot of Twitter I think it's more like people broadcasting and I think part of the conceit of teapot is no we're here to really to talk to each other and have conversations and I think mostlyThat happens more than a lot of places.Thinkwert (50:35)And to their credit, the first place I ever heard about COVID was from Teapot. The first place I ever hear about AI and the whole AI explosion was Teapot. The first people I ever hear talking about the low total fertility replacement rate. But in a way, they're kind of on the cutting edge of a lot of these conversations, right? That first place I hear it is from this circle. And then,Divia (50:52)yeah.Yeah.Thinkwert (51:03)it permeates outwards from it. So there are people who are kind of in the know. I'm a fan. I don't know that I can honestly say I'm part of it, but it's not that I reject them so much as I don't know that I qualify.Divia (51:14)I thinkI think the people who make a map and they put you on the map, I think they're right to do that.Thinkwert (51:24)So somewhere on the periphery and I'm a fan of T -Pod. I like T -Pod, but I don't know if that'll be...Divia (51:30)Yeah, do you have any thoughts on Twitter pre and post Elon, since you're a power user?Thinkwert (51:34)Yeah, it seems like two steps forward, one steps back. There's so many, I mean, changing the names, frankly, was... Yeah, well, you noticed that lasted like two months, right? And then most people went back to calling you Twitter. At least that's what I noticed. I like calling you Twitter. But it seems so silly. And then, of course, there's always at least...Divia (51:45)Okay, so I keep calling it Twitter, of course, now officially it's X.Yeah, IThinkwert (52:03)once every couple of weeks a tweet from Elon that makes me roll my eyes. Like, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Don't do that. He interacted with me briefly last year a few times. I liked for about two week period, I had about four or five times he responded to me. yeah. Yeah. But then never again. So I don't know if it was something I said. I somehow slipped off his radar again and never had it.Divia (52:09)Yep.Did you get a follower boost from that? You did, yeah.Interesting.Thinkwert (52:34)So yeah, I'm generally, think I like Twitter better post Elon overall.Divia (52:44)And are you a fan of the monetization thing? I mean, I imagine you get something.Thinkwert (52:47)Yes, yeah. I'm astonished that I paid anything. So that I could do this and do what I would normally do anyway and get paid out of it little bit. It's not a whole lot. I'd say I've maybe gotten $2 ,000 since about the last year, which isn't huge, but yeah, it helps, right? It helps with inflation.Divia (53:11)No, it's cool, but I have yet to hear of anyone. Like, there people that make a living really posting on other platforms. And I don't think anyone's doing that on, or if someone is, I have yet to hear of it.Thinkwert (53:23)Yeah, yeah. mean, I know of people who will get or at least heard people who get several thousand a month, which you could, you know, least supplement your income really well. But the really big influencers seem to be Instagram and TikTok. That's where you go if you really want to make the money or YouTube. So but yeah, I think that was a smart move from from Elon, actually. It kind of happened started right whenDivia (53:29)Okay, I guess then that's...Yeah.Yeah, YouTube too.Thinkwert (53:53)Blue Sky and threads were kind of taken off. And I think that was kind of a thing to keep some of the power users on. I never did threads. I did Blue Sky. I still have a Blue Sky account. I don't think I've posted there in months. There's a certain bitterness about the culture there that I don't tend to like.Divia (53:55)Yeah.Did you try posting those places too?I have an account, I haven't, how would you describe it? I haven't been on there.Thinkwert (54:19)Well, I think they've got Elon in the brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything they do is to be anti -Twitter, anti -Elon, rather than their own thing. I wish Elon did not exist for them. I think they'd be a better place for it. But to be fair, I'm not on there often, so I don't know.Divia (54:24)like sort of anti -Twitter bitterness, you mean?Yeah. Yeah. Sure. No, I mean, something I always liked about Twitter compared to other social media platforms, at least like what I see in other social media, is it seems like while there is a lot of like, this is a hell site, this is whatever, there also seems to be a lot of love for Twitter on Twitter. Partly as, like I think maybe your account is partly an example of this, especially like, you know, you'll make these memes. I don't know I'm supposed to use the word meme. I don't know howBut like the picture, know, like one of the ones I always think of for you is like a giant holding some small creature. And it's like, you know, what a big account is, you know, replying to a small account or like somebody like exploring this forest and like, you know, when you finally, when you get added to a new locked account or like things like, and there, these people be like, I can't believe this website is free or this is the best website in the world. I think that, I think for me, that goes a long way, even though there's a lot of people.Thinkwert (55:07)No. Sure.Cheers.Yeah.Divia (55:36)Complaining about Twitter, complaining that it's worse than it used to be, complaining that it encourages such terrible discourse norms. I don't know. I really like it. Also, people seem to love it.Thinkwert (55:46)Yeah, there's nothing quite like it. Nothing quite like it. And I like being here. Obviously, I'm here every day. I'm on tour.Divia (55:54)Yeah, have you made a lot of personal connections too on Twitter?Thinkwert (55:57)I have met a couple people. I met Bowser in person, although he's no longer around. Yeah, he's got a real account I won't reveal that I follow, or a base account. But I met Comrade Snake. I can't remember what his actual Twitter handle is. But there's been a couple people that I've met. And they've always been great. They've always been great to meet.Divia (56:05)Yeah, he's long gone, right?Thinkwert (56:25)Elijah Middleborn, I met him a couple months ago. He makes the wooden swords and bookmarks. don't know how many are familiar with him, but.Divia (56:35)Yeah, I know, but I'll look it up. That sounds cool.Thinkwert (56:39)Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we met, and he actually gave me a person, a bookmark that he had made for me, bad word. But yeah, everyone I've met has been great. I like meeting people from online. Excuse me. There's that cold again.Divia (56:56)Yeah, no, and I think I do want to wrap up pretty soon, given everybody's time, but one question that I've been thinking of is, as someone who I think you do know about Teapot, and as a professor of English literature, are there any books that you think are a little underrated that people in our part of Twitter might want to check out?Thinkwert (57:17)Huh.Well, the last book that really knocked my socks off was the Cormac McCarthy Passenger and Stella Maris. They're two twin novels. I know if you follow Jarvis, he rewrote about these books in detail. They're really terrific. But I think Cormac McCarthy was the great American author until he passed. In fact, he was, we were going to call a son, if he ever had a son, his name was Cormac.Divia (57:48)neat.Thinkwert (57:50)after him. I never had his name. So we never got to use that name. Cormac McCarthy, think, is fantastic. He was the best author that we had until he passed. I'm not quite sure. What was it about it? Just a masterful use of prose and I think just kind of a thematic depth to him. There's also aDivia (58:02)And can you say what you think makes him the best American author?Thinkwert (58:19)I think is a throwback to Faulkner and the old kind magisterial voice of the American author.Divia (58:30)I have read Azalea dying. What does ministerial mean in this context?Thinkwert (58:33)Kind of grave, serious, but also a certain quality of...eloquence eloquence and masterful use of the words deeply serious deeply serious use of the words there yeah as far as the the plots are very strange they go all over the place but yeah they were they were great the last ones i remember reading them like okay wow that's some good stuff yeahDivia (59:10)Thank you so much. Thanks for coming on the podcast and I'll see you on Twitter and everyone who's on Twitter, highly recommend following the Think Word account if you like whimsical humor.Thinkwert (59:22)Yeah, yeah. Thank you.Divia (59:25)Thank you. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mutualunderstanding.substack.com

I got some feedback that the version of this episode I originally put up was too quiet, so I’m posting it again! Apologies for the duplication—I’m still figuring out this podcasting thing.You can find JC Cassis at jccassis.com, and can check out her own podcast, Risk.We cover a bunch of topics, including friendship in adulthood, what we owe each other, and a little about parenting.Divia (00:01.721)Hey, so I'm here today with my friend, JC. And I like to say that we went to school together and if people are like, like you mean like what? And I'm like, no, all the school we went to school together, starting in kindergarten through senior year of high school. And then we also went to college together. Yeah, it's yeah. Though, as we sometimes say, you were in the other class in kindergarten. really more like 16.JC (00:02.589)Hey.JC (00:20.116)17 years of nonstop togetherness.JC (00:27.356)Right, so it's, right. And then you were in a different dorm at Harvard and, you know, different friend group and all that. you know, yeah, yeah. It certainly wasn't, it wasn't overkill and it also wasn't nothing, you know?Divia (00:33.216)But we did hang out!Divia (00:38.83)Yeah, totally. And, you know, and we've kept in touch since then. I, you know, I wish I talked to you more ultimately, but, but I would say like at least, I don't know, like at least most years I think we check in. She seems like a.JC (00:45.106)Yeah, me too.JC (00:51.836)Yeah, and I think we totally could more and we probably just should do that. I don't think you're hard to reach at all, but I think it's just living in different cities and all that kind of stuff.Divia (00:57.377)Yeah, yeah that seems right.Divia (01:03.659)Yeah, totally. And, and JC also has a podcast. Do want to tell people a little about that?JC (01:07.252)Sure, yeah, so for the last 13 and a half years, which I cannot believe how long it's been, I've been working on the podcast called Risk, which is where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. No.Divia (01:17.857)Nice. Yeah. And so we were just texting the other day and I'm still sort of like restarting up with this podcast. Everybody took a pretty long break and trying to figure out what I'm doing. But one thing I know I want is just to like actually have conversations with people. And so I was like, yeah, let's, let's get on and, catch up and talk about stuff. I don't know, share our different perspectives. So JC, welcome to the podcast.JC (01:39.72)Yeah, I'm excited to be here. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I think it's funny. You know, it's funny, I was talking to my brother the other day and he was saying that he remembered having a conversation with you when we were kids and you came over to my house and he was like, why are you friends with her about me? And you were like very diplomatic, classic Divya, you know, like he did his great impression of you. I forget exactly what the wording was, but it was just something like, you know, well, you know, I think we have good chemistry and I like to talk to her and we have a nice time together. So like, I'm friends with her, you know? And he was just like.I just thought that was hilarious.Divia (02:09.017)Yeah, siblings, siblings are really, I don't know, it's funny with sibling relationships. I hope your brother's doing well.JC (02:17.51)Yeah. Yeah, he is, you know, and he fondly remembers you, you know, so that's nice. But he could not believe that you have five kids. His head almost exploded when I said that. So I know I told him that. Yes, you have not wavered on this. I told him I was like, well, her dream was always three kids and then she had three kids and she wanted two more. So like she's doing what makes her happy. Like, you know, it's never it's never wavered, you know, but his head exploded.Divia (02:22.573)Yeah, it's mutual, totally.Divia (02:30.751)but I always wanted a bunch of kids. I feel like this has been consistent,Divia (02:45.229)You know, actually, so a little bit of it, you say that, I think that's almost right. I definitely said three kids, but this is, and I think we're gonna come back to this topic more than once, but like what I thought was normal growing up in New York, going to like a private girl's school with you like we did, and then what, you know, later I got older and I saw some more things. so I just, it sort of didn't occur to me, I think that anyone could have more than three kids.JC (03:08.928)that's hilarious.Divia (03:09.997)Because like, who did we really, I'm like, I don't know. I feel like I barely knew anyone who did. I was like, three kids is a big family. There was one Christian homeschool group at the music school I went to that had five kids, but I think that was maybe it for what I knew, which seems, I don't know, it seems sort of weird to reflect on that. And, okay, so then here's the other part of that.JC (03:15.751)Yeah.Divia (03:30.169)The next next week, assuming you know nothing goes wrong and I get everything recorded promptly etc. The podcast guest will be Michael Vassar whom I believe I introduced you to at one point. Yeah and I think you guys talked about like the New York City Council and stuff.JC (03:40.039)Who that is? Some Russian, this guy?JC (03:46.46)God, my God. Talk about why are you friends with her? my God, I thought he hated me with that conversation. And then you were like, he loved you. And I'm like, perhaps he could have made that a little bit more like apparent.Divia (03:48.801)Yeah, yeah, so, I didn't...Divia (03:54.698)No, no, no, yeah, not at all.Divia (03:59.789)me.So yeah, my recollection of that was I was like, no, he thought you were smart. He just was expecting you to push back. He sort of doesn't know how to like communicate if the person isn't pushing back and like asking for details and like arguing with him more. And you were like, well, yeah, it's true. I didn't do that. so anyway, no, he, I talked to him at a certain point and I'm going to get into this when he comes out of the podcast, I think at least a little, or at least mention it, but like, it was some conversation with him where I was like, yeah, I guess I could, I guess I could have even more kids if I wanted to.JC (04:15.198)How funny! That's hilarious.JC (04:33.005)after three, not after five, right? Yeah.Divia (04:33.177)And so then I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, after three. And I was like, maybe I could have five kids. And that was before I had any kids, but I was like, maybe I could have five kids actually. Cause I'm like, I was sort of like, have like a book at the time I was probably like, I don't know, 25 or something. And I was like calculating and like, I haven't met someone yet, but if I do, and then how many years? And so anyway, that was kind of where I got that one into my head and probably no, well, just if it had been super easy, I might've had even more, but it wasn't.JC (04:39.494)Wow.JC (04:52.558)Wow, that's funny. Yeah, it's funny. It's like, go ahead.Divia (05:00.417)So I really did want kids, but it is a lot of work, so that's why we're done now.JC (05:00.596)Right, right, Yeah, it's kind of crazy to think about like, you know, whatever the 1890s were like tons of people were having like 12 kids, 15 kids, 17 kids. And it kind of makes you wonder like, if it's so much harder now, I guess it's that we're doing a lot older and it's also much more expensive and whatever, but it's like, what the hell were they doing that we're not doing? Where it's like, my God, one pregnancy almost killed me, you know, like.Divia (05:17.879)I don't...Divia (05:22.903)So, so my contrarian take on this is I think it was harder for them. I think they had kids anyway. I don't think it was because it was easier.JC (05:33.14)But like just the idea, I don't know, it's like I wonder if the kind of, I don't know, it's not like fertility or just like baby delivering ability of women is the same today as it was then in terms of like, could the same per capita number of women have 12 children today as they could back then? And I suppose if they all started at 16, sure, but nobody wants to do that and nobody should.Divia (05:45.785)Right.Divia (05:50.562)Yeah, maybe.Divia (05:55.981)Yeah, I think that's some of it. And obviously, like, people did have... I think infertility is a lot more common now. I think it's one of those many, like, people have theories, but like lot of modern health problems, people are like, I don't know, like, modern health problems. Maybe. Right. Something like that. Totally.JC (06:05.948)Yeah. Yeah. Microplastics and chemicals and poison food and depression and, you know, all these terrible things we're dealing with. Yeah. Yeah. It's like we have more freedom, but we're less happy. And back then it's like, I don't think people were necessarily more happy back then, but it's like, you just had to do what you had to do. And you weren't thinking like, but I want to be a lawyer. It's like, I mean, some, some women were, but I feel like most women were like, this is my fate. It sucks, but it is what it is. I don't have another option, you know?Divia (06:27.767)Right, right.Divia (06:36.033)Yeah, this guy that I some, I think it's David Chapman. He talks about like the choiceless mode where like now, I don't know, we sort of, did modernism, we did postmodernism. And so they're obviously like trad people or whatever, but it's never really the same when you know that like, you could just go live in modern society and have a choice if you want. Like maybe for the Amish or something where you're like, I guess I could, but I was raised this, like everyone I know is ever whatever. But for like most people that were raised in like aJC (06:41.949)Mmm.JC (06:54.792)MmDivia (07:02.861)basically modern context. There's there's no going back. You know you have choices.JC (07:06.694)Right, right. Well, I like choices. I'm glad we have them for sure, you know.Divia (07:09.783)No, but yeah, absolutely. But people, so yeah, I also am very pro -choice in the broad sense of the word, but I do hear people like on Twitter and stuff and like complaining pretty often, like they wish they had less choices, which I don't personally identify with, but I think that's out there as like a political take.JC (07:27.316)Yeah, I mean, that's something I struggle with constantly is like, there's a million things I want to do, and there's not enough time to do even two or three of them. And it's very frustrating to like have constant ambitions of like 12 million things and be like, well, it's not going to happen. And then also, like, I talk about ideas all the time. And I feel like people get exasperated with me because they're like, this is the 50th idea I've heard from you over the last two years, and you've been talking about it forever. What are you just going to do it? And I'm like, maybe it's not about that.Maybe it's just like, I'm constantly thinking of things and as time changes, I think of a new thing or as I learn more about the thing, then I'm like, okay, I'm not doing that anymore, but maybe I could do this. but it's like, in the meantime, my days are jam packed with stuff to do. And I don't know, I'm trying to figure out like, how do I find peace and be like, yes, I'm just going to have ideas all the time, but unless I decide to push other things aside to execute this one idea or be like, I'll do this one idea for one month and then I will stop and do a different idea.just make peace with the fact that like, it's just gonna be a fire hose of ideas and like an absolute trickle of execution, you know?Divia (08:29.985)Yeah, I mean, I certainly relate to that. I think most people do, right? Yeah.JC (08:32.466)Yeah, I think that's like the human conditions. Like, yeah, but that's why it's funny to me when people are like, you've been talking about this for so long, when are you gonna do it? And I'm like, you've been talking about plenty of things for so long. We all talk about things for a long time. Like go f**k yourself, you know?Divia (08:40.153)Right?Yeah, no, and I certainly, I think also like, this is sort of a, it's like a pretty basic answer, but like, I think one of the reasons that we get along is I think we both like talking about stuff, like we find that energizing. Probably also why we both have podcasts, like, and then, yeah.JC (08:57.46)Right.Right. I mean, can I ask you, because one thing that drives me completely insane is feeling like I'm the only extrovert I know, but would you identify as an extrovert or like, okay, yeah, then I think that's a big f*****g point of like commonality between us, you know, like, do you find like you're you're surrounded by introverts and misanthropists or misanthropes or whatever the word is?Divia (09:09.965)Yeah, totally. Yeah.Yeah.Divia (09:20.043)Well, yeah, no, some of that, but all like, and it's a little bit weird because I do consider myself an extrovert, but then this is some of the thing about having kids is I get to the end of the day or even in the middle of the day. And I'm like, I need nobody to talk to me for like five minutes in a row because I, you know, I think some of my kids are extroverts too, which I think is great. Or at least they want to talk to me. I think at least one of them is definitely an extrovert. And I think that's great. But like IJC (09:34.8)MmDivia (09:48.439)because I do think there's something, certainly for me. So a weird thing that I've done, I'm not currently doing it very much, but I, there's this Facebook group for people who want to post like, I'll pay somebody to do this. And so it's just like among rationalists basically. it's, no, it's all over the map. Like last night I logged on and some guys like, I'll pay you a hundred dollars an hour if you help me with this programming thing right now.JC (10:04.302)What are the things they're asking for then? Not screwing in a light bulb but...Divia (10:15.257)But then other people will be like, like I once posted and I was like, I'll pay $5 to someone who makes a gift with the subtitle of this one thing from planet unicorn. Cause I couldn't figure out how to do it. And sure enough, someone was like, yeah, I'll do it. Cause that took me like two seconds. So like, why not make $5? But, but something I posted was because sometimes I like, if you ever noticed, like I'll get stuck on something and then once I talk it through, then I'm not stuck. It's a common human experience. So I was like, okay.JC (10:16.195)I need to learn programming.JC (10:25.758)That's cute.That's cute. Nice.JC (10:41.512)Mm -hmm.Divia (10:43.417)I'll pay either $50 an hour or we'll do like an in -kind trade one hour per one hour for somebody to just listen to me talk about whatever it is I'm on about. And I don't normally do it and I ultimately like, I don't know, I feel a little weird about it, but then sometimes I do it. But it was extremely helpful whatever I did it.JC (10:51.758)Mm -hmm.JC (11:00.276)Mm -hmm. That's something that's another f*****g idea I have that I've never acted on and I may never act on and you got to make peace with it everybody in the world is is is offering hey I will listen to people for whatever 50 bucks an hour if you just need somebody to be present and listen I will do that and then one thing I thought was like I probably need to make some guardrails of like I'm allowed to say hey I need to stop you on that topic I don't want to hear about that if somebody's like let me tell you about this time that I just remembered a living cat it's like no thanks you know but if it's just like you knowDivia (11:07.383)youDivia (11:15.459)Yeah.Divia (11:29.325)Right, right.JC (11:29.992)I'm feeling lonely and I need someone to listen. It's like, sure, you know.Divia (11:33.495)Yeah. Yeah. And for me, a lot of it's like, just, have some idea that like only half makes sense to me, but if I talk it through, they'll make more sense. but anyway, like I think sometimes my kids too, like I think they like to talk to people to process in like sometimes the sort of more one -sided way, which I think is developmentally appropriate and all fine. But then, so yeah, so I do think of myself as an extrovert, but then sometimes given that my kids and I still have little ones and then I have a lot of them.JC (11:42.226)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (11:51.24)That's funny. Right.Divia (12:02.763)and they rely on me, it doesn't meet, like, I don't necessarily want socialization on every margin, but especially if it's like more peer -like and like with somebody who's like also gonna care about, like also be more attuned to me. So it's like, that is one -sided. But yeah, I do find that very energizing. I do like to do it a lot.JC (12:04.104)Mm -hmm.JC (12:09.256)Mm -hmm.JC (12:13.032)Mm -hmm.JC (12:22.74)Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was just talking to my cousin about, know, how like our social needs are not getting met, you know, and how I don't know if we just said this before recording or what, but the idea of like, you know, people would not be so desperate for relationships if their friends were showing up more, or if it was easier to get time with friends, you know, and I feel like at 40, I am so tired of chasing people around, you know, and I feel like as somebody who like works alone from home,Divia (12:49.208)Yeah.JC (12:51.316)I need the interaction more than they do. Like I recognize that a lot of my friends deal with people all day long in their jobs and then they come home and they just want to watch TV and not talk to anybody. And I'm the opposite. I'm alone all day. I want to talk to people when the work day ends, you know, or even in the middle of the work day, you know, and I'm so tired of calling 20 people and not getting anybody. It's, it's insane to me. It's like my friends have flexible schedules. They live all over the world. Da da da da. How can it be that all 20 people I try are not available?Divia (13:04.098)Right.JC (13:21.14)bright this same moment. You I'm not calling at 10 a on a Tuesday, you know what mean? And it's exhausting. And it's like when you feel like you need some social time, the worst feeling is like, well, I just tried 20 people. Most people don't have 20 people they could call. I have f*****g 80 people I could call. I call 20 and I'm so depleted by the idea that nobody picks up that I'm like.Divia (13:25.997)Yeah.Divia (13:36.813)Totally.JC (13:43.964)I can't do this to myself anymore. Like nothing comforts me more than talking to a friend, but it's not possible to talk to a friend. So I guess I got to read a book or listen to a podcast or go to the gym or whatever, you And I think if I knew like my friends are going to be present and show up and when I call somebody they will pick up or they will call right back or whatever, then, you know, it's like, I'm not longing for a relationship, but one reason why I understand why so many other people seem to be is just this idea of like, I needDivia (13:55.352)Yeah.JC (14:13.384)to have a designated person in my life who is obligated to show up for me. They have agreed to that and that's the expectation and they're gonna do it, you know?Divia (14:22.487)Yeah. No, I mean, this is, I think it's a huge topic because lots and lots of people talk about, and like, I don't really trust surveys that much, but in surveys, I think most people say they're lonely or at least like almost half, like a lot. It's big. It is also just, you know, aside from surveys, this just seems true of people I know when I asked them. But then, like you say, it's like modern culture does basically tend to have the frame of like,JC (14:35.497)Mm -hmm.Divia (14:50.189)You don't really owe anyone anything except maybe like the person you're dating and your kids and stuff like that. Like family and romantic partners are the only one that it's like more socially accepted to have that type of more like committed, like actually you owe them something in relationship with.JC (14:58.025)Yeah.JC (15:02.995)Yeah.Yeah, and that's what drives me crazy is like, people go and find relationships and create human beings that they are legally responsible for and that they kind of own in a way, partially because they're like, well, the alternative is being alone and that is horrifying. And it's like, okay, so why are you surprised when I say, hey, I really need to talk to you right now and it's not great if you can never talk. Because it's like, I don't have a...Divia (15:21.73)Right.Divia (15:29.912)Yeah.JC (15:31.678)partner and a family. I don't have built in people that are obligated to be present in my life, you know? So I need, you know, voluntary people. And yeah, you know, I'm very frustrated by the attitude of like, no one owes anybody anything, because it's like, then good f*****g luck to us. Then we're all gonna f*****g die. Is that what we want? No, like, I want a healthy society. And a big part of that is giving a s**t about other people and showing up, you know?Divia (15:49.378)Right.Yeah, no.Divia (15:58.807)Yeah, totally. Yeah, no, and I mean, and I think like a lot of people, I don't know, like, I relate to this somewhat where I'm like, okay, like, you know, as a kid, you're going to have various sort of obligations that don't really make a lot of sense to me. And then at a certain point, I'm like, wait a minute, like, shouldn't I sort of get to decide for myself about these types of things? But then like, but then it doesn't mean I don't actually have obligations, obviously.And I think some of how I try to think of it is like, whatever, what is the thing that I think is sort of supposed to happen? And then like, who are all of the plausible people who maybe could be doing it? And I'm one of them. And so maybe that's like some information about how much I ought to try to do it. Am I making sense?JC (16:39.826)Yeah. Yeah. And also like, you know, I'm just learning over time, like how to better focus my efforts as I try to get my social needs met, which frankly, I just don't know if it's ever going to happen unless I get some job that is just talking to people all day long. But I, know, a lot of those are not very well paid and I don't really want to do them. anyway, f**k was I going to say? Hang on. I've realized like, I can't justyou know, for lack of a better term, spray and pray in terms of how I try to make friends. Like, it gets more specific every year of like, okay, now I need friends who are planning to live in New York City forever. Now I need friends who are planning to live in my neighborhood forever because I don't want to take four trains to go see people. Now I need friends who are going to not be in a relationship and not have children if that means that they're not going to have time for their friends.Divia (17:13.271)Right.Divia (17:26.091)MmJC (17:32.564)Now I need to find people that, and like all these things plus like natural friend chemistry. Like I don't want to hang out with people that are like perfectly nice, but I don't give a s**t about them. Like I want to have the like deep friend chemistry. And you know, and I'm realizing like, I feel like phases of life come out of nowhere and just like smack you in the face and like turn you upside down and shake you and make everything fall out of your pockets or whatever with like no warning. And so I feel like this phase of life, like the phase of life that startedDivia (17:41.517)Great.JC (17:58.612)previously that's still going is like everybody's parents are getting old and it's starting to impact our lives where it's like now you have to really like take care of your parents and get in there and like do some work to help them and factor them in and blah blah blah in a way that maybe you didn't 10 years ago and like the new phase is like crossing the 40 line in New York City never in my life did I think about how so much of the culture of at least certain areas of New York City that I frequentDivia (18:02.423)Yeah.Divia (18:21.613)Yeah.JC (18:28.148)are about you're under 40 and you're going out and you're socializing. And it makes sense for you because you are under 40 or under 30 and that's what your people do. But then you cross the 40 boundary and it's like, okay, now I'm the grandma in the room. Everybody else here is still 24 and I'm not, and it feels weird and I don't like it. And also with like the generational divide, like Gen Z and Gen Alpha are so different from millennials in some ways.Divia (18:33.069)MmJC (18:54.036)that it's like you feel like a foreigner and you feel like you do not know what's going on. And also it's like, I had this experience where I was playing with a cover band in a bar and all the patrons were under 26. And I looked out across this crowd of people in friend groups having the best time with their best friends from college and high school and whatever. And I couldn't help but think you people don't understand that this is gonna come to an end.Divia (18:54.157)Yeah.JC (19:17.652)real fast and either all of you are gonna leave or all your friends are gonna leave. And like this is a very fleeting era and then you're gonna be alone. And like I'm standing on here as the 40 year old on stage looking out at you like your fetuses and also being like enjoy it while you got it bro, cause this is gonna end real fast and nobody told me that, you know? And so it's been like a hard adjustment to be like, okay, where do I go as a 40 year old to not be the only 40 year old in the room? And like,Divia (19:19.576)No.JC (19:46.9)You know, I had a conversation with like a work colleague that I ran into somewhere where we were having this conversation of like, okay, we're women over 40 who want to live in New York forever, are not seeking relationships, are not seeking to move away and are not seeking to have children. Where do we find each other? Because there are many thousands of us and we all want community with each other because we're tired of having our hearts broken by everybody leaving, you know?Divia (19:59.885)MmJC (20:09.758)but like somebody's gonna have to spearhead it. And again, that's another of my million ideas that I'll probably never do, but I kind of have to because I'm like, if I want my life to be better, I've got to step up and do this because nobody else will.Divia (20:12.951)Here.Divia (20:20.345)Okay, but it seems to me, like, and obviously I don't know all the details, but like, it seems to me like you do a lot. Like you actually do try to put yourself out there and meet a bunch of people and like, what are you talking about doing that you're not already doing?JC (20:30.15)Yeah. Well, so for example, last or a couple nights ago, I went out, I took the initiative to talk to somebody new who was like playing pool and stuff. And I was like, do you want somebody to play with? And he was like, sure. Like I actually was really hoping somebody would ask. And I was like, amazing, great. We had a great time playing and chatting. He's, you know, friendly and interesting and like all these great things. But I I've met so many people over my adulthood who I'm like, I really like this person. I'd like to stay in touch with them. I'd like to try to build a friendship with them, whatever.and I put in the effort and it doesn't lead anywhere. And so now I'm kind of like, I'm not gonna like try to make something happen with people anymore unless I'm like, this person is so special and I really think they want me to like invite them to like continue knowing each other. Otherwise it's like, this is one of the another person where I had an amazing time with them and it doesn't mean anything to them or it does, but they don't want a friendship, you know, or they're not gonna.Divia (21:01.997)Yeah. Yeah.Divia (21:25.016)Right.JC (21:25.982)put in the work and I'm so tired of being the first one to message and then like not hearing back or being the person who has to like set up like the first like three hangouts until it kind of like get the momentum going. And also it's like he was a guy and you he was there with his adult child and so I don't know if he had a partner he didn't mention it but it's like I you know I don't know I don't know what the vibe was I didn't I didn't say like you know.Divia (21:35.651)Mm -hmm.Divia (21:50.178)Right.JC (21:51.644)hey, are you open to friendship, whatever. And also he was like in his mid 50s, so it's like, maybe he is pretty satisfied with his life or maybe he's not, but he didn't seem to want me to make an effort to like keep in touch. So I'm at the point now where I'm like, if I'm not getting the vibe that somebody's like, please let's be friends, then I'll just kind of hold back and be like, it was awesome hanging out with you, know? Yeah.Divia (22:05.187)Right.Divia (22:13.655)Yeah, not waste your energy on that.Divia (22:19.425)Yeah, no, it's I think it is one of those things where a lot of people really do want community. A lot of people really are lonely. And then I have I have a similar experience to you of most people don't follow up or anything like that. Or like even if I do follow up, it doesn't mean that they do. And. Yeah, spray and pray, sort of like what you said.JC (22:32.392)Yeah. Mm -hmm.JC (22:39.602)Yeah, you know, it's tough. know, I'm somebody who would like to have that conversation directly, but I feel like a lot of people say like, but you can't do that. You can't ask that. And so I feel like it's okay to kind of feel it out of just being like, I was getting the vibe that like, yes, he thought I was funny and nice and yes, we had a good time playing pool together and yes, yes, yes. But he doesn't seem to be wanting to exchange information. It doesn't seem like he'll care if he never sees me again. like.I'm just gonna let it be and say good night. And I kind of opened the door where it's like, I could have just left without saying goodbye, but instead I said, hey, it was really fun hanging out with you. I'm gonna head out, but have a great night. He could have been like, wait, let me get your information, but he didn't. at this point, after being the person who makes all the effort, I wanna meet people who are trying to make an effort. it's like my friend who was there with me who's so funny, he's like, I think that guy wants to bone you, whatever. And first of all, it's like, well, that's not.Divia (23:23.715)Right.Divia (23:31.32)Yeah.JC (23:37.148)what I want from him, but second, if he does, then he should f*****g say something. He should ask for my f*****g information. I don't wanna deal with a guy who's not gonna make effort. So whether it's for a friend or for a companion, know? Yeah, and that's another little like subtopic is like.Divia (23:43.181)Yeah.Totally.Divia (23:52.046)Yeah.JC (23:58.264)I have wasted so much energy trying to build friendships with men who are in relationships with women. Just, you know, friendships. And it's like, I've learned, beware the straight man who's in a relationship with a woman because he is a waste of your f*****g time. He will not put in effort. You know, he will have paranoia about like, like my girlfriend, what would she think? It's like, it doesn't f*****g matter. I'm not trying to f**k you. Calm down, you know? And like...Divia (24:07.192)Yeah.Divia (24:21.776)ThankJC (24:23.954)So I just feel like that's a demographic where it's like, tread real carefully, let them make the effort, because if I make the effort and then they dip, it's like, it's more and more disappointment for me and I'm sick of it, you know?Divia (24:37.429)Yeah, I mean, so are there people where you have had more success? Yeah. Okay, what are the most promising ones?JC (24:40.66)other demographics of people? For sure. It's like, you know, I can make friends with women all day long, you know, basically like women and gay guys, you know, same s**t. We all know, you know, you know, it's like this is, this is, you know, I was talking to, you know, my cousin about this. I've talked to lots of people. I think one of the most alarming things going on in our society is the, is the real, I don't know if you'd say bifurcation or like just the segregation and separation of men and women, you know, especially like straight men and straight women, you know.Divia (24:48.481)Okay, yeah.Divia (25:06.861)Mm.JC (25:10.004)It's a real problem. And I think it's only gonna make things worse and worse and worse if we don't start bridging the gap. But in order to bridge the gap, we've gotta fight the rhetoric where people are saying, men are trash, women suck, whatever. It's like, if you have this idea that a whole group of people is terrible, then you're alienating them. And you're not gonna put any effort into trying to get to know them. And it's like,I love straight men. I have straight men friends who I just adore and straight men in my life that I just think are the best people and I love talking to them. I love hanging out with them. I'm just saying that when I meet a straight man who has a girlfriend, that seems like a minefield because it's like, you know, this guy that I met recently, it made me so angry because he's an awesome guy and I really wanted to be friends with him and he lives in my neighborhood. We hung out, we talked for six hours, but you know what?Divia (25:51.352)Yeah.Divia (25:59.255)Hmm.JC (26:02.844)He was talking about how things weren't going well with his girlfriend. And you know when I stopped hearing from him? When things started going better with her. And it's like, are you f*****g kidding me? And it's like, and at least just say, like, hey, I really had an awesome time talking with you. Things are going better with my girlfriend now. We're spending a lot of time together. I just don't have bandwidth for like building new friendships right now or whatever. But the whole like complete disregard of like,Divia (26:14.765)Yeah.JC (26:28.984)six hours talking to a new person and you don't wanna be friends? What the f**k? And it's so obvious that it's about your f*****g girlfriend and now you're getting what you need from her so you don't care about friends. And it's like, f**k you, friendship f*****g matters.Divia (26:35.991)Yeah, you just can't relate to it, right?Divia (26:45.763)Yeah.Yeah, how do you, like, if you could sort of, like, what is your speech to people about how they ought to relate to friendship? Like, how do you think people should do it?JC (26:56.7)Like if I'm just talking to like the general public about it. Well, one thing I've been thinking is like people really should treat it like dating in the sense of like a friendship is not a friendship until you both kind of get to know each other a little bit and you agree like, okay, we are friends now. Like you're not friends if you've like met at a party and hung out once, you know, it's like you're not obligated to each other. And there needs to be an open line of communication of like if somebody is really feeling it and the other person's not quite so sure.Divia (26:58.722)Yeah.Divia (27:16.557)MmJC (27:24.584)then the person who's really feeling it should probably be like, hey, let's hang out again. And if the other person isn't feeling it, they can be like, you know, thank you so much, but I'm not really feeling it the way you would with dating instead of like, okay. And then you're just like leading someone on in a friendship way. But also it's like, I think it's like, you have to show up. Like a conversation I'll never forget. Is there somebody that I know from college who I don't know if you know or not, but we were having a conversation at a party once and he was saying,Divia (27:34.817)And then, right.JC (27:50.136)I was talking about friendship stuff or whatever. And he was saying like, well, I have a friend who's really mad at me because like, I don't really keep in touch. And he's like, but why is she so mad? I'm not doing anything. I'm not taking action that is hurting her. So like, what am I doing wrong? I'm not doing anything. And I was like, dummy, she wants you to do something. So you're neglecting the relationship. That's why she's angry. Like, we don't have friends so that they can just...Divia (27:56.642)Divia (28:07.96)Yeah.JC (28:13.874)you know, ghost us. Like if you're going to be somebody's friend, you should send a text once in a while. You should have a call once in a while. You should let them know when you're in their city, you know? And so yeah, she's angry because you're supposed to be her friend and you're slacking on your friend duties, you know? And she's telling you that and you're not remedying it. You're not her friend. Just tell her, I don't want to be friends anymore. I can't, I can't put in the effort. So I can't, you're not going to get anything out of this friendship. So I'm going to peace out, you know?Divia (28:28.065)Yeah.JC (28:41.598)So yeah, think friendship is so much about like caring and actually showing that you care. Because like something I think about all the time, which is like, you know, it's whatever, but it is what it is. Like I love saying things that mean nothing. It is what it is. I think all the time about like, if I died, I know that there's a lot of people who'd be like, my God, I loved her. And it's like.Divia (28:52.297)YouJC (29:02.788)and you never called me and you never texted and you never let me know when you were in New York and you never made an effort. like save it a*****e. know, like if you care about me f*****g do something about it. So that's definitely my thing is like when you think of someone in your life, send them a text, do it.Divia (29:05.581)Yeah.Divia (29:13.356)YouDivia (29:25.143)Yeah. Okay, yeah. So it seems like for you, they're kind of two things that are maybe the same thing. One is like, have a concept in your head, a friend that means, that has some obligation attached to it. That isn't just like, like them, but it's like, and here's how I'll show up for them. And you also want people to be direct with people about whether they're up for that or not.JC (29:37.832)Mm -hmm.JC (29:41.651)Mm -hmm.Mm -hmm.Mm -hmm. Yeah, because I feel like a lot of times I think about how I feel like I'm item number 697 on a lot of my quote unquote friends priority lists where it's just like, if I'm not poking them for attention, I'll never hear from them again. And like, it will never occur to them to send me a text or whatever. But if I say like, hey, you're invited to my birthday, they show up and they have a great time and they talk to me. If I say, hey, do you want to go see this movie together? They'll be like, yes. And then we'll have a grand old time. But like, yeah, if I don't, it's like,It does not feel like I matter to them in the least. And like, it's not my preference.Divia (30:20.545)Yeah, no, it's true. a lot of a lot of like if I periodically they'll be like Twitter threads or stuff and I'll sometimes signal boost them about like here's how to meet people if you're trying to as an adult or whatever. And it's a lot of stuff that we've talked about, like put yourself out there, introduce yourself, host events, whatever, whatever, like all that stuff. And I do think it's true that the advice doesn't usually the advice tends to assume that the person is willing to put in all of the effort themselves perpetually. Which it makes sense.JC (30:46.298)Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. Or at least like a lot of effort up front of like send the first message. If you don't get a response, follow up gently. If you don't get a response, then maybe leave it alone. But like, yeah, like set up the first meeting, then like set up the second meeting a couple of weeks later, and like communicate directly. It's funny, I have a friendship that like just started recently where it was kind of crazy to me because we started...with a little bit of like a conflict about like, I'm really disappointed in how you are not showing up, you know? And then we had to have this whole like text discussion about like, yeah, I'm sorry, I've just been like so busy and this is not how I usually am and I know that it sucks. Cause I think we had our initial conversation, we met at a party, our initial conversation had been like, we're feeling a little lonely, we want more friends, we're the kind of people that show up as friends. We like talking to each other. Okay, great, let's make a time to hang out. And then it was extremely difficult to get that first time on the calendar.Divia (31:18.659)MmDivia (31:42.371)MmJC (31:42.388)and, and so I was feeling very like tender about that because I ha I was dealing with another friend that was kind of flaking and I was just like feeling very frustrated and exhausted by like constant friend flakiness and, never getting any closure about that because it always feels like you can't be like, Hey, I'm not happy with what's going on here because people will just kind of be like, chill out, dude. Your number 697 on the call list.Like, what are you expecting? You know what I mean? But I'm kind of at the point now where it's like, well, if I'm number 697, I can say if I have a problem, and if you don't like it you want to walk away, what am I really losing? But like, I'm sick and tired of being like, it's all fine, it's not, you know? So anyway, so I was like, you know what? I just met this woman, I want to be friends with her, but if me expressing myself makes her go away, I'm okay with that because we just met. So again, what am I losing?Divia (32:08.332)Right.Divia (32:15.669)Right.Divia (32:22.424)Yeah.JC (32:33.958)and I'm tired of holding everything back all the time. So I said, like, hey, I'm not happy about how hard it's been to get something on the couch. I don't remember the exact words. I use something gentler than this, because I know that sounds like a lot or whatever. But I was just like, you know, I'm just so exhausted by all the friend crap that I deal with all the time. And it just feels like we're going down that same road. And I just don't want that. So let's please try to make something happen or let it go. And she was, I was really.Divia (32:36.611)ThankDivia (32:43.33)Okay.Divia (33:02.211)Good.JC (33:03.782)impressed by her stepping up and being like, you're right, it has not been ideal. This is not how I want to show up. Things have been crazy. I'm sorry. This is like not how I usually am. And like, we will make this happen. And then like we did make it happen. And it was kind of weird to start off because I was just like, you like we started with a conflict like that has never happened to me before. But we also started with resolving a conflict, which makes me feel more like secure and confident about likeDivia (33:15.107)Okay.JC (33:30.194)she's somebody who's willing to have the conversation and then like course correct, which is amazing, you especially for a f*****g new person to whom she owes nothing, you know? You know, and it was, but I just felt like, let me just like clear the air of just like, I'm sorry that we started in conflict. I really appreciate how you like stepped up. It'll be okay. I understand. I was also in just like a really sensitive moment about this exact issue. So I was just kind of like, f**k it. I'm going to tell this person how I feel. I'm sick of not saying anything.Divia (33:35.041)Okay.Right.JC (34:00.244)But I think, you we cleared the air about that and then we're like off to the races now and we're like kind of, you know, slowly building some rapport and I'm sure it'll be fine. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's funny because it's like she's she's really great, but she does live far enough away that it's like, God, like, I really want friends within 10 blocks at this point, you know.Divia (34:11.884)the school.Divia (34:24.479)That's so close though.JC (34:26.034)I know, but it's like, you my neighborhood is chock -a -block with cool, nice people. And let me tell you this, like I could talk about this s**t forever. I ran into a friend from college the other night. I didn't see him, he saw me. He called out to me, he reminded me who he was, because like my eyesight is not great. And you know, like at this point in our lives, it's like, there's so many faces where it's like, I know this face, but.Divia (34:32.185)YouDivia (34:43.918)Yeah.JC (34:47.486)please help me. And so he immediately told me who he was, which I really appreciated. And I was like, of course. And then I was like right in it of like, I remembered our inside jokes and like I remembered our context and all that kind of stuff. And I was like, hey, what are you doing? He was like, I'm doing this job. I was like, where are you living? He lives three blocks away from me. But I have always gotten the vibe from this guy that he is not going to show up as a friend for me. He's a friendly acquaintance who is willing to say hello to me proactively when I didn't even see him. But he does not want to exchange information.Divia (34:57.282)Nice.Divia (35:03.513)Wow.Divia (35:08.439)Right.JC (35:15.432)does not want to be in touch. He's a f*****g straight man with a girlfriend. It just is what it is. And so I'm not going to do the thing anymore of like, well, we should grab coffee. No, we shouldn't because you don't want to. So like, I accept that you are a person who remembers that you know me and you proactively say hello to me when you didn't have to, but you will not engage with me beyond that. And I accept that. But I'm just like, why do you live three blocks from me and Divya lives in Austin?Divia (35:20.323)Yeah.Divia (35:28.365)Right.Divia (35:45.025)Yeah.JC (35:45.044)Why do you live three blocks from me and all my best friends have moved across the globe? What the f**k? So I'm just like, there have to be people within 10 blocks of me that are willing to engage with me. And I wanna find those people and create relationships, you know?Divia (36:00.557)Yeah, no, I mean, it's it is a big value add to have people be close for sure. Like physically close. I did know and and it took forever. Yeah, I don't I don't think I've talked about this on the podcast very much, but but I did finally move to Austin in a neighborhood with other friends that I already knew. And it's honestly it's really great. And I will say, though, for me, something I learned about myself during Covid is it works like I definitely prefer seeing people in person, to be clear. But IJC (36:05.468)I mean, you literally put a huge amount of effort into making that happen.JC (36:20.745)Mm -hmm.JC (36:28.38)Mm -hmm.Divia (36:30.359)do all right if I get to just talk on the phone. But then I'm like, for my kids, especially, it's just like even more important that it be in person. Though then I say that, know, so the thing you're saying about like, yeah, and so the people we moved with, so one of them does not have kids, he's just a guy, you know, and he hangs out and that's cool. Or so he has step kids that are much older, but he doesn't have.JC (36:32.456)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (36:40.272)Mm -hmm. You mean your kids to play with other kids? Yeah, yeah.JC (36:53.454)huh.Divia (36:58.061)He doesn't have kids in the neighborhood. But for everyone else, that's really great. Because something I always used to think about from when I was a kid, I don't know if you remember my neighbor who lived right across. You probably didn't know him. So it was a weird situation because his dad, he mostly only spent the summers in America and then he was in France the rest of the time. And my, like.I don't even... I guess I feel weird about saying this because he's like a real person who's out there somewhere. But like, I don't think we really did actually have that much friend chemistry, but he was literally next door. And so yet we hung out all the time. And so I think about that for my kids and like some people are course more extroverted than others and some of my kids are more than others, but I'm like I want them if they just want to go hang out with someone, I want them to have that as an option. Yeah.JC (37:28.946)Yes, yes.Mm.JC (37:44.432)Mm -hmm, for sure, for sure. Yeah, and that's why I'm like, you know, it's tough, because it's like, I've definitely thought of the thing of like, let me just create community immediately around me, but it's not easy because my roommates don't want it. So it's like, okay, I'm not going to force people. They don't want it. But like, this is a real problem for me and it has been for years. And so it's like, you know, when it's time for new people to come in, I'm going to be so much more just crystal clear about this is what I expect.Divia (37:58.05)Yeah.JC (38:13.404)if that sounds weird to you, find somewhere else. I cannot live with it. I really can't. I'm tired. I've done it for too long and I'm really sick of it, you know? And then I was like, okay, well, what about my building? The people in my building are friendly people who do not want to put in effort and create relationships. And there's also a big age gap. I, know, I, I, yeah. And it's like, and I feel that thing of like, they're in a stage of their life where all their friends live here and they want to go out and party all night and blah, blah, blah. And like everything's peachy keen. And it's like,Divia (38:32.654)Like they're younger or they're... yeah.JC (38:43.828)You guys tell me how you're doing in 10 years when everybody's moved away and gotten married and had kids. And then you'll understand why the 40 year old neighbor wanted to, you know, make some connections, but they don't want to. So, okay. And you know, it's hilarious is actually, there's a woman who lives around the corner that I've seen like, I don't know, at least a hundred times or whatever. And we've been saying hello, you know, like over the years, just hello. She only introduced herself like a couple days ago for the first time. Cause she's like, I see you all the time. Like I've been living here 15 years. How long have you been, I was like, yeah, 10 years, you know?Divia (39:02.585)MmDivia (39:12.813)MmJC (39:13.46)And I would be very happy to strike up a friendship with her. And I'm treading carefully, I don't know if she wants that, whatever. But it's like, clearly you are a person who has been rooted here and you're friendly, you're looking at a stranger and saying hello to them and acknowledging that you've seen them a lot. And so yeah, I'm just like, I wanna try to see who else lives within a 10 block radius and is feeling like they want friends. Because I want...Divia (39:25.462)MmJC (39:40.376)know, a bunch of Kramer's in my life, you know, just like people are gonna pop by or be like, let's take a walk or like, you know, I'm right here. And you know, it's like, I know other people like right near me who are just never available, one of whom is a man with a family. And so I'm just like, yep, not worth the trouble. Have fun with your f*****g family, you know, and it's badening.Divia (39:43.533)Yeah.Yeah.Divia (39:52.665)MmDivia (40:01.431)Yeah.Yeah.JC (40:05.064)I mean, one thing I always wonder about, I know you kind of touched on this earlier, and I guess maybe I do know the answer, whatever, is what amount of your needs are met by having a partner and a family and living with them? And what needs are still not met by that? And do you feel like, thank God I have a partner and family, because it meets all my needs. And if I didn't have that, I'd be on the struggle bus. Or what's your kind of thought about that?Divia (40:25.133)Mm -hmm.Divia (40:30.969)I mean, all my, that's like a weird, I don't know that I think of it exactly like that. So I mean, I would say a family, like I, like obviously I love my family, like coldest take ever or whatever. But like there's something there for me that's, it just, it's like, it's the only thing like that. I'm like the meeting.JC (40:35.539)Mm -hmm.Divia (40:55.723)it gives me and like that I've just always wanted kids and then they're there and I were like creating something to get like, I don't know. It's not like anything else, but it's also not like to hang out with my kids, at least at these ages, it's a pretty different activity from socializing with adults. And so hanging out with my husband is much more similar. No doubt. I will say we're in a tough stage there in terms of just hours per day.JC (41:10.738)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (41:24.072)Mm -hmm.Divia (41:25.025)And we try, and this is, I think it's basically my fault because I tried having more childcare and it was good for that, but ultimately it sort of didn't work for me. And the kids are still young. And so in some way, like the sad thing is in some ways it's easier for me to hang out. We switch off with the kids. And so in some ways it's easier for me to hang out with people that are not my husbands.JC (41:33.736)Hmm.JC (41:40.489)MmJC (41:46.545)Mm Because it's like having Will home with the kids is the only way for you to get adult social time and then he can't be there.Divia (41:54.295)Yeah, I mean, we can all hang out together, but then it's more, it's like a different activity. And sometimes all the kids are asleep or something. And I really try, I'm not always the best about it, but I try to really remember like, no, this is scarce. So if there's like even a moment, I should go hang out with him. Sometimes I'll call him because they're like in the same house with the kids and I'll like call him and like talk to him about stuff. So yeah, I would say I do not get...JC (41:56.594)Right. Right.Mm -hmm.JC (42:06.617)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (42:17.032)That's funny.Divia (42:21.057)As much, yeah, I've failed to set up a life where I get as much time with my husband as I want. I do feel bad about it. I think in a few years it'll be a lot better, but it's been a long time of just, it's great, but it's not as much as I want. And I feel confident he would say the same thing.JC (42:29.618)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (42:34.675)Mm -hmm.And do you feel like you could ever draw, I mean, know, this is classic child -free person asking a question like this, whatever, but do you think you could ever set a boundary with your kids of like, mom and dad need some time alone, Lydia's in charge, go play in the backyard, only contact us if someone's injured or crying or whatever, you know?Divia (42:43.828)Yeah.Divia (42:54.499)Look, I do, no, no, absolutely bleeding or pooping. That's what I say. No, but yes, and I should maybe try, but Mike, I do try that. I think it's possible I should spend more time on it to get the older kids to babysit. But like, to be clear, my youngest is nine months old. Like it's just, she's still, like how long can they really? Yes, I think I should probably do it more than I do. The older kids aren't that into it. I do pay them. I do ask them.JC (42:58.304)-huh.JC (43:11.871)Mm -hmm.JC (43:17.342)Right.JC (43:22.226)Hmm, wow, funny. I wanna hear more about that because I feel like, know, I think about abstract things about raising kids, which I will never do, but I'm like, well, how would I handle this or that? And like, I think a lot about, you know, people are probably better off if it's like, okay, everybody's in this family, we are sharing duties. And like, I understand sometimes you have to incentivize kids because they just do not wanna do stuff and it's just not worth the trouble. But it's fascinating to me that you wouldpay your kid to help out with childcare when it's like, we're a family unit, I need your help, I do s**t for you all day long, every day without any pay or whatever, you can watch the f*****g kids for two hours without me f*****g giving you money. You're a member of this family, you're not hired help. So yeah, how do you see it?Divia (44:04.547)Yes.Nah, that's not how I see it at all, I'm like, I'm like, look, I could try to like guilt them into doing it, which I think is like, that's how I hear it when you say that. I'm like, I could be like, no, you owe it to me. You should feel guilty if you don't, therefore you should do it.JC (44:17.626)Mm. Mm.JC (44:21.832)just like, you know, we're a family unit, let's work together to make our lives work.Divia (44:24.621)But here's the thing. Here's the thing, though. I guess I have like two sort of things to say about that. One is I think below is so and what I'm like a radical in many ways with parenting and the things that I've mostly heard from people who tend to do things kind of how I do is that those sorts of arguments, I think, are pretty compelling sort of in the way they would be to like an adult, which again, I mean, obviously, like adults are sort of all over the map. By the time they're around teenagers.JC (44:35.837)HmmJC (44:49.767)Right, right, right.Divia (44:55.937)Or maybe younger, depending on the kid. But the way I see it, and I'm sure, whatever, there's like so much individual variation. I'm not trying to like hate on anyone who does that. Like I think that can work well for some families. But it has never felt right to me. I'm like, they never agreed to that. And I don't think it intuitively feels right to them. And I've also had kids be like, yeah, on some level, I guess I should, but like, I really don't want to. So do you want me to just do it even though I don't want to? And your answer might be like, yes. And mine is like, no.JC (45:25.726)So it.Divia (45:25.869)Like I care so much more about them actually knowing themselves and being able to keep in touch with like what they really want. Like that's just more important to me. And plus like my, my BATNA, like my alternative, if they say no is first of all worse, like, and involves money. I'm like, this is a thing I have paid people to do before. I don't know. Yeah. Best alternative to negotiated agreement. Like that's what I'll do if they don't do it.JC (45:33.159)Yeah.JC (45:44.977)Mm -hmm. Did you say batsna?JC (45:49.82)my god. my god. Where the f**k does that acronym come from? I've never heard that in my life.Divia (45:56.589)think it's like a business. Yeah, this is the thing. So I hang out with rationalists and that's the sort of thing rationalists say all the time. No, but okay, you might think it's ridiculous, but you want people to be more direct with you. I'm like, hang out with rationalists. Maybe they will.JC (46:00.113)I know you do.JC (46:08.04)That's very funny. But yeah, mean, yeah, I mean, I'm always happy to meet new people, but I don't get the sense that the rationalist community is necessarily the place for me, but maybe I need to give it another try, you know? But, right. -huh.Divia (46:12.057)YouDivia (46:18.137)No, no, no, it's probably not, but it is an advantage from my perspective. It also like, I think I have to say about the rationalist community is, and of course it's like sort of geographically different, whatever, whatever, but like it is kind of a community at all, which is something. Like, I feel like if there's like something goes wrong, like there's sort of like, you could send it, you could like sort of contact the rationalist community as a thing, like the same way, I don't know. I actually need to give all sorts of or something, but like.JC (46:32.966)Right, right, right, right, right.JC (46:41.18)Mm -hmm.Divia (46:47.841)that some things are communities and other things are not communities. And so I think it's worth something if something's a community at all.JC (46:50.012)Right, right, right, right. Yeah, for sure. And I just had a question, because I feel like a lot of people's theory is, yes, sometimes kids have to do things they don't want to do. How are you preparing? No, no, no, no, no. But how are you preparing them for real life if they never have to do anything they don't want to do? Because it's like, I don't want to work, but I work every day.Divia (47:03.233)I disagree, disagree, but yeah.Divia (47:11.415)Okay. Okay, but here's the thing. I think this is a semantic thing that you might be like, this is a dumb nitpick, but to me, it's extremely important. I think that it's a confusing way to put it to say that you don't want to work because you want the outcomes from working and that's why you do it.JC (47:26.824)Hmm.JC (47:31.388)Hmm. So you feel like I do want to work because I want what it brings?Divia (47:36.801)I mean, I think ultimately, it's sort of, like I'm not really into policing other people's language, but I am like, I would never really put it that way because it seems wrong to me. Like for sure a thing that seems true is you choose to work.JC (47:47.39)Hmm.JC (47:51.836)I feel that I have to because otherwise I couldn't pay my bills. So I do feel like if I came into a bunch of money, I don't know that I would work in the same way. You know? Yeah.Divia (47:55.713)Right. And so to clear.Divia (48:00.963)yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's how I was. Many people are like, I love my job. I do it even if and I'm like that. Yes. Yes, which I think it's most, which I think is, of course, sure, sure, So, but again, I'm like, you're doing it, though, because you want the result of it, which is like the paycheck and stuff.JC (48:08.212)There are things that I would do that are work, but not working at a job that I would prefer not to be doing. Yeah.JC (48:23.735)MmDivia (48:24.801)And so my perspective on this is like, people seem to think that the natural way to explain to kids that sometimes you should do things because you want the result or if you don't do it, the result would be bad is to use like threats or guilt tripping from the parents. And I'm like, I just don't think that. I think it's different. Like I think these, my mom is gonna get mad at me if I don't, it's just so different from like, but I need money. That like, don't, to me they don't seem like the same thing.JC (48:48.614)Yeah, and I'm not saying those are the only options. For me, it would be like, I think it's worthwhile to talk to a kid about like, hey, we're a family unit. Everything works better if we all help out where we can.Nobody wants to clean the toilet, but if somebody does it, everybody benefits. And like that's an act of service to our little community. And so, you I would really appreciate it if you would, you know, watch your little sister for two hours. And I know it's not always fun and I know maybe you don't want to do it. And I respect that you don't want to do it. And I'm sorry that I'm needing to ask you something that doesn't sound fun to you, but think of it as this is a nice thing I'm doing for mom and my little sister that's going to help my family. And it's not always about like, do I want to do it? It's like,You probably don't want to do your laundry. You probably don't want to, you know, but you do it.Divia (49:32.429)So, okay, but yeah, see, I would never say any of those things. I'm like, I do wanna do my laundry so I have clean clothes. I do wanna clean the toilet so the toilet's clean.JC (49:37.64)Mm.Okay. Okay. So why would it be inconceivable that your child might want to help their mom if that's how it was? Yeah. Okay.Divia (49:47.151)no, no, they do sometimes. Absolutely they do. Yeah, but the question is, what if they don't want to? Like, I think it's fine to make those sort of arguments. Like, look, it would be, and I'm not saying I never guilt trip my kids. If you ever listened to this, they're probably like, well, what about that time? You're like, but can't you just, whatever. but it's not really how I want to be doing things because...JC (49:52.082)Mm -hmm.JC (50:02.59)Hmm.Divia (50:06.817)for a few reasons. And one of them is, yeah, okay, fine. Let's say I give some speech like that. I would give it in my own words, which would be different from yours. It's super important to me to be like, and you know what? If you say no, I will respect that.JC (50:13.598)MmJC (50:20.006)Mm -hmm. But are you also allowed to say, if you say no, I will respect it, but I will feel a little bit sad that you didn't want to help me?Divia (50:20.889)Because to me that's an important piece.Divia (50:30.109)sure, I mean think people sharing their feelings is good. And there definitely are times when I'm like, when I'm kinda like, yeah, you do what you want, but it doesn't feel good to me that that's what you're doing, for sure.JC (50:32.316)Right, right.JC (50:41.082)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. And do they ever course correct then or are they just like, well, cool, you feel bad. Anyway, I'm doing me, you know, like.Divia (50:47.737)i they definitely care about it, though, like, you know, my two -year -old, like, you don't really understand what i'm talking about so it, like, depends on the kidJC (50:51.772)Right, right. what, -huh. And what I'm trying to understand is like, is the hard line that you will not cross, like is your goal to like never force your kids to do something they don't want to do even if one could say like, you're not abusing them by just asking them to perform a task that is helpful to the family, that is not harmful to them. Well, but that's what I'm saying is like, is your goal to never...Divia (51:13.761)No, but is it asking or is it demanding? Look, it's like.JC (51:20.904)to never have your kids do something they didn't wanna do as a result of you initiating that. Is that your goal?Divia (51:28.363)No, so look, to me, like none of these, like I just, I think the way you're talking about it is like very normal, but to me, it always strikes me as Orwellian. You're saying ask, and I'm like, no, I ask them to do stuff a million times a day, and they can say, no, that's what asking means. Otherwise it's like demanding or like threatening or like some other word. Like people will be like, my God, my kids don't listen to me. And I'm like, do you mean they don't listen or they don't obey you? Like.JC (51:41.438)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (51:51.9)Right, right, right. But so, right.Divia (51:53.281)So I'm kind of like, let's be clear on what we're talking about first of all. So that's like one of my rants about this. But then another thing is like, there are absolutely some things where I'm like, don't, like, it doesn't really matter to me how you feel about this is what we have to do. And for me, in my family, this mostly comes up when people are toddlers and I'm like, no, you don't get to like kick other people. You don't get to take their stuff. don't get to like, like those two people are like the very basics, like other people and their stuff and their bodies, like it's up to them, right?JC (52:13.62)MmJC (52:22.287)Sorry, there's a loud siren going by. Yeah.Divia (52:23.777)No, I miss it. You know, I don't know. Like, this is a messed up thing to say, because obviously somebody's hurt, but like, that's what I grew up with. Yeah, somebody's being helped.JC (52:29.556)Well, know what, somebody's being helped, know? Somebody's receiving services, you know? Somebody's in need and they're getting attention, you know? Yeah, no, because I have the kind of thought of like, when you were talking about it initially, I was like, but I would worry that if a kid... It's tough, because I love the idea of people not having to do stuff they don't want to do, but I worry about if you learn...I don't have to do what I don't want to do. And then you go out into the world and people sometimes expect that of you in ways that are not sick. You know what I mean? Where it's just like, hey, could you hold the door for this person? It's like, I don't want to. And it's like, okay, well, society is starting to break down now. know, like, like.Divia (53:11.609)But again, that's the same type of thing like they and if if somebody doesn't do some basic thing for them Like people will get annoyed like that's the real world thing that happens like I might get annoyed their siblings will definitely like Might get annoyed. I'm sort of like I don't know. That's life likeJC (53:20.456)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.Right, so do you feel like they kind of absorb the necessary lessons through being like, okay, I said no to this thing and then people were upset with me and I didn't like how that felt. So maybe in the future, I would consider doing a thing even though I don't love the idea of it, I understand that it kind of maintains my relationships and I want that.Divia (53:40.781)Look, I'm sure that sometimes happens, but to me, like, that's, that's not like a, it doesn't feel like the important part. Like to me, the important part of helping people thrive as people seems more like helping people build skills and like build understanding of the world and like understand things and like have options. AndJC (53:54.903)MmJC (53:58.697)MmDivia (53:59.831)Like, is there a way for people to like hold the door that feels good to them? It's like, I think there's sort of, to many people I think it seems intuitive, like, let me like ramp up the negative motivation. Like, let me like really like make it clear to people what bad thing happens if you don't whatever. When like, I think the things that people do most consistently for the longest that they end up feeling good about it, and I know people are like, I don't know, some people can be very suspicious and disagree with, think, including for good reasons.JC (54:09.997)Mmm, yeah.Mm -hmm.Divia (54:26.957)that type of focus, but I'm like, I just think that that is actually mostly what really works. Like, for example, like, how many people do I know? It's like so taboo, but then people will talk about it they'll be like, yeah, yeah, like my parents maybe like floss, but do I floss now? No, I don't floss.JC (54:31.156)No, I agree that likeJC (54:42.076)Right, right, because you want to rebel and do what you want, even though flossing is good for you or whatever.Divia (54:46.709)Or not necessarily, or they're just like, because I didn't really want to do it. The only reason I was doing it was because they were like hassling me, and now Noh's hassling me, and like... I don't... I don't know.JC (54:53.128)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.Yeah, no, I agree that like, think positive reinforcement and also making sure a child understands like, what is the value of this? Because I feel like people are often like, do it! And like, you know, just with the anger and the threat and the negativity. And so a child feels like, I don't understand why I'm supposed to be doing this and I'm not doing it, you know?Divia (55:06.613)YouDivia (55:12.759)And sometimes they don't really know how. like, it's sort of a weird thing to say. there's, I don't know. Have you heard of the anti -psychiatry movement?JC (55:23.216)No! What is that?Divia (55:27.213)Like Thomas Sass, I've never actually read his stuff. I've just read people who talk about him, but he's kind of like look this whole like framing things as like people can't what so he's I don't get into it you but like a Thing that people sometimes talk about is like, okay, you say you like can't do it or like whatever but like gun to head Could you do it if someone were like no, really I'm gonna like shoot you if you don't do it Then could you and all for the answer is like, of course then they could like call you back or whatever even though what they're saying It's like no, I can't I don't know how to ButJC (55:51.402)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.Divia (55:55.481)But again, think that that type of, the way I see it is that most of these things that rely on like negative social motivations are not necessarily very robust.behaviors. And I also don't think it's just and I'm sort of like a geek about like behaviorism in general. So I'm like, yeah, positive reinforcement, like whatever. To me, the thing is more like actual behavioral fluency, like being really if something is easy. So like, you it's another like, I don't know, I think really you are pretty online, but I think we're like very online in different ways. So have you seen the discourse about like ADHD, people can't build habits? Okay, well, I don't think it's true. There's a discourse about that. No, no, I don't think it's true.JC (56:14.866)Hmm.JC (56:28.861)Hmm.JC (56:33.084)No. So that's literally what it is. It's just like they cannot. Yeah.Divia (56:39.149)But it's like something people say. I think, something I certainly identify with is people be like, just like do it every day for a month. And then you like won't even notice I'm doing it. You just keep doing it. And I'm like, yeah, maybe some people, some things for sure. But it rarely happens to me that way. don't know. Do you think that happens that way for you?JC (56:54.676)Wait, are you the 927 millionth person in my life with ADHD that I didn't know had it?Divia (57:01.145)I don't, I don't, so okay, I have a whole thing to say about that too. I don't identify as having ADHD. never, I don't think I would meet diagnostic criteria. I identify with some of the things and not other things. I tried quizzing people. I'd ask some people in my life. Yeah, I asked some people in my life. I'm like, do you think I have ADHD? Some of were like, yeah, definitely. Some of them were like, no, of course not. So I don't know.JC (57:10.259)Yeah.Mm -hmm. It's like astrology.JC (57:23.048)I would never think of that for you, but that's interesting. yeah.Divia (57:25.049)I don't really either, though when I look back, so this isn't a side, I will get back to my other point about habits, but when I look back through my life and like me comparing myself to my friends, I'm like, wow. A thing for me about getting older, I don't know if this happens to everyone, is I'm like, at every stage of my life, I did not realize until so many years later, maybe I still don't realize it now, how much I was selecting in my friends for people who were the same kind of weird that I was.JC (57:54.174)Doesn't everybody do that? I mean like.Divia (57:56.109)Yeah, but it was more than I thought.JC (57:59.645)So like you were prioritizing similar weirdness over what? Like compatibility or whatever?Divia (58:07.819)Well, no, I think it created compatibility. So I think not over compatibility, but I didn't realize how much of that was good. And I thought more of it was like random too, I think, like especially like, I'm like, but like, we're just like physically, like we were in the same dorm or we were whatever, like we're in the same school. Like I just thought more of it was sort of incidental. Like here's a perfect example. I made a bunch of friends years ago in the baby wearing community and there.JC (58:15.347)Hmm.JC (58:33.906)Baby wearing. Yeah, just like wear instead of like putting in a stroller or something. It's hilarious.Divia (58:35.573)Yeah, it's like you have like baby carriers. Yeah, yeah, and there was like a forum. was yeah andAnd at first I was like, okay, like normally I meet friends this way, but this one, the only major filter is like, do they like baby wearing? And then I'm like, no, that's, frankly, I'm like, no, no, that's not true. They're like, do they like these particular types of discussions and probably have kids with this type of sensory need and like to geek out about fabric and really prefer written communication? I'm like, okay, no, no, no. Like this actually looks super filtered. It makes sense that we're all similar types of nerd. I mean, not, and like, not literally all, but like the filters for are we the same type of neurodivergent were more than IJC (58:49.636)huh.JC (59:03.379)Wow.Divia (59:12.396)and I think this has been true at every point in my life, including when we were in school together.JC (59:15.154)Yeah. Hmm. Interesting. That's funny. so the hyperforming.Divia (59:19.949)So anyway, so yeah, no, I don't identify as ADHD, but let me go back to the habits thing. yeah, cause I think this is also something that often comes into the people are like, we'll just like do it over and over and over with their kids. And then they just like, we'll just automatically do it. And I'm like, maybe like for sure. So sometimes things work that way, but for me it doesn't. I'm like, I do load the dishwasher at night and every time I'm like, I could, or I could not.JC (59:33.256)Hmm.Divia (59:44.129)I could, or I just didn't feel like I'm just automatically doing it, but then I do it, where something is like, do you legitimately feel automatic? I'm like, do I turn off the sink when I'm done using it? Yeah, like don't even think about that.JC (59:53.35)Yeah, no, I feel like things like unloading the dishwasher, like anything that feels like, I could do that, but I could also not. Anybody struggles to just or like has to take a moment to be like, OK, I'm deciding to do this. I'm not just automatically.Divia (01:00:04.621)Do it!No, that's what I thought, but then I listened to podcasts and YouTube videos and whatever, and I hear people talking about it, and if that's how it is for them, that's not how they say it. They're like, no, then we just automatically, and I don't even notice, and then people say that a lot.JC (01:00:21.682)Hmm. Interesting. I think people are also unreliable narrators and don't, they're not good witnesses of themselves, you know? So it's like they could say that, but really they're just not noticing that they made a conscious choice or that they were like, I gotta unload the dishwasher. I don't want to. I gotta do it. Okay, I'm doing it. You know I mean? Like, I don't know. I feel like, yeah.Divia (01:00:26.585)Yeah.Divia (01:00:42.649)Yeah, people are also really different. So it's hard for me to tell. And I will ask, I'll be like, okay, like friends, like, I'll be like, I brush my teeth, like, but like, are there any days in the last month you didn't? And some people are like, my God, I would never miss a day ever. I do it every morning and every night. And I'm like, no, I probably do it like 90 % of the time. And I'm like, my teeth feel gross. I should go do it. I don't know, I'm like, maybe I'm not supposed to admit that, but.JC (01:00:46.291)Mm -hmm.JC (01:00:59.725)Hmm. Mm -hmm, mm -hmm.JC (01:01:07.186)Yeah. No, it's fine. Yeah.Divia (01:01:09.239)I really do do it a lot, but it doesn't feel automatic to me. And I think when I ask other people, they're like, no, no, it's just super automatic, which is maybe how I feel again about like turning off the sink when I've done or like flushing the toilet. Like I don't think I ever forgot to flush the toilet. And I wouldn't be like, but I kind of want to this time. I just like do it. It's like not a thing. And so I think some people are more like that about more things in their life.JC (01:01:20.463)Right, right.JC (01:01:24.72)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,JC (01:01:30.185)But it's also like a strong incentive of like the smell of poop you want to go away or you don't want someone to see your poop or also you know like your teeth feel gross you like them to stop feeling gross and that happens cyclically every single day you know.Divia (01:01:40.501)Yeah, but for - no, for sure, but for me it's different. Like, I actually sort of think about it with the teeth, whereas, like, the other one is just, like, the flushing of the toilet, I'm like, I don't even - it doesn't even cross my mind.JC (01:01:53.298)But I wonder, mean, this is gonna be a ridiculous conversation, but like, if you just farted into the toilet bowl, you wouldn't automatically flush. You're flushing because there's an evidence that smells bad that's gonna keep smelling bad unless you flush it away, you know?Divia (01:01:56.491)That was so funny.Divia (01:02:06.231)Well, okay, so...You know you say that, but I don't think it would require extreme effort for me to sit on the toilet and not pee.JC (01:02:18.608)Even if you didn't really have to go? Like even if you just peed, if you sit back on the toilet right away, you will pee again? Hmm.Divia (01:02:20.313)Correct. all... Basically, yeah. I mean, if it was literally like 10 seconds ago, like not exactly, but I would also like, it just comes up so rarely. I'm like, why would I ever do that?JC (01:02:32.666)Mm -hmm. Well, toilets do be for peeing and pooping, you know? It's not somewhere you're just gonna hang out and read a book without thinking you also have to pee or poop, you know? Not a very comfortable chair.Divia (01:02:38.243)Yeah.Divia (01:02:42.773)Anyway, all right. Sorry. So part of the reason I was getting into this is I do, I guess, I do wonder if this explains some different in parenting philosophy because parents, I think many seem to have the model, at least how they talk about it. Like, I just like force my kids to do the things and then that'll just be automatically what they do. And I'm like, I don't know, that didn't work for me. It never has really worked for me in any. And I think my kids are at least kind of like me. And so.JC (01:03:01.618)Mm -hmmJC (01:03:09.629)MmDivia (01:03:11.201)That's one reason it doesn't appeal to me very much. Unless, I guess, unless it's about something very, like it's true that that is probably more the sort of rhetoric. If my kid was like, but I don't want to flush the toilet. I'd probably be like, look, just do it. Like, just do it. And then it'd be done. I probably would be more like that. And if they didn't, then I would just do it and whatever. Like, I don't know. But it does make me wonder if that's like a material difference in why people do things differently.JC (01:03:23.912)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (01:03:34.898)Hmm. Yeah, I think a lot of people are not very thoughtful about why they do the things they do. I feel like, you know, I always joke like the motto of America should not be E Pluribus Unum. It should be I never think about that. Because like every motherfucker you talk to, you're like, but what about this? And they're like, I never think about that. And you're like, this is why we are where we are. Because nobody's thinking, you know? And it's like, I feel like I think more than.95 % of people, it doesn't mean that I'm better or smarter. It's just that I'm thinking about these things. Because everybody I talk to, I'm like, but what about this? And like, never think about that. I've never thought about that. How did you even think of that? You know?Divia (01:04:10.657)Yeah, OK, so all right. So I also, I think I'm thinking a lot. Let me, one of our things on our ideas for what to talk about is, so we both did go to Harvard and one might think, that's like a place with a bunch of people who really like to think. I think that's sort of true and it's sort of not true. what's your, like, I don't know, what do you think about that?JC (01:04:14.461)Yeah.JC (01:04:19.015)Mm.JC (01:04:24.5)Mmm.JC (01:04:30.46)Well, I always say some of my favorite people in the world to talk to are people who went to Harvard because there's just some quality of the conversation that I just don't experience with people who didn't go there. I don't know if it's just like people of a certain intelligence level in general, and then plus the added familiarity of like, we both have a shared experience in a shared place or whatever. yeah.Divia (01:04:53.787)wait, just to check though, do you mean like if the person went to like Princeton, you're like, no, doesn't count.JC (01:04:58.512)No, no, no, I'm saying any highly intelligent person, and I feel like I've not met somebody from like a Harvard or Princeton or Stanford or whatever level institution or just somebody who's very smart in a certain way where I'm like, this person doesn't think, you know, I can't think of an instance where I've interacted with somebody that seems to be highly intelligent or have some kind of pedigree of like, I am smart, you know, where I'm like, this person is not smart at all, you know.Divia (01:05:09.176)Yeah.Divia (01:05:14.179)Okay.Divia (01:05:24.429)Yeah.JC (01:05:28.818)But so you're saying, your original question was, do I think everybody from Harvard tends to think kind of deeply about things?Divia (01:05:32.791)Yeah!Divia (01:05:36.323)Yeah.JC (01:05:40.712)I mean, it's funny because I'm...Divia (01:05:43.171)YouJC (01:05:44.274)You know, the person that I had the conversation where he was like, why is my friend mad at me for being absent from her life? It's like, I don't think you'd be thinking ho. Like, wow, that's a dumb ass thing to say. But also it's like, it's just a different conception of friendship of like, there is no expectation and I owe this person nothing. That's what friendship is. And it's like, you're wrong, or at least you and your friend have a different conception of it and you're not even thinking about that. And I find your actions pretty thoughtless and pretty selfish, you know?Divia (01:05:49.805)That was, yeah, right.Divia (01:05:59.586)Right.JC (01:06:13.63)But anyway.JC (01:06:18.482)Hmm, I guess, you I think the reason I think so much is that I have a lot of time and space for it in a way that other people don't, or I make time and space for it, where it's like, instead of packing my life with like work and family and this and that and whatever, it's like, I have hours every day to just go take a walk by myself and just think, you know? And I think a lot of people don't either make that space or have that space. And that's something I thought a lot about is like,Divia (01:06:44.643)ThankJC (01:06:45.116)I think I have more time and space to think than the vast majority of other people because other people pack their lives with s**t that makes it hard to think. And it doesn't occur to them to think about stuff, you know?Divia (01:06:53.817)Sorry, it was just funny to me. again, he'll probably never listen to this, but I was talking to my nine -year -old the other day and he was like, he was like saying something to me and I'm like, but the middle of something and he was like, it doesn't look like you are in the middle of something. And I was like, no, but I'm like thinking about something. And he was sort of like, and I was like, you realize like basically all of the time I'm thinking about something. And he was kind of like, no, I didn't know that.JC (01:07:11.805)HahahaJC (01:07:18.804)That's funny. Do you think he's a thinker?Divia (01:07:23.713)Yeah, yeah, no, I think so. But like, I don't know, people, like, especially kids, don't often necessarily spend a ton of time about, what other people are doing in their own heads.JC (01:07:31.346)Right, right, right, right. Do you feel that your kids are like going to be well prepared for going out in the world?Divia (01:07:41.817)Who knows? I mean, I hope so. I think some of them, I'm more like, yeah, I think we're probably, yeah, I don't know. I hope so. I'm trying my best. think certainly we're doing something pretty non -traditional, but like honestly, don't, it's not so much I'm like, my thing, I think it's definitely gonna whatever. It's more like I'm like, well, the traditional thing I think doesn't necessarily prepare people either. So kind of a low bar maybe.JC (01:08:05.876)Mm -hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is your, like, do you have an expectation or a hope of, each of them will leave the home by 22 and support themselves and, live in a certain way and whatever, or is it just, like, as long as they're alive and happy, I do not care about anything else?Divia (01:08:24.725)Look, I definitely want them to be able to support themselves for sure and have jobs and stuff and I talk to them about that. I don't personally, at least like not currently, I'm currently not like and I hope they leave the house. I'm currently more like and I hope they stay in the house if possible. I mean, probably not, but like my guess is that I'm going to be more enthusiastic about them staying longer than they are.JC (01:08:30.366)MmJC (01:08:40.87)Hmm... forever?MmJC (01:08:49.192)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.Divia (01:08:49.773)Which is, I don't know, that's what my mom always said to me. She was kind of like, hope you live here forever. And then eventually I left and... I don't know.JC (01:08:54.47)Interesting. Yeah, no, it's funny. It's funny to me how many parents seem to be uncomfortable with like the nature of like raising the baby birds and then letting them fly out of the nest, you know, like they're like, well, no, but the baby bird should stay in the nest. And it's like, not really. They're adult birds now. Yeah.Divia (01:09:06.399)But I don't think it was... No, no, no. Okay. That's not what I think. I don't think it's that they're uncomfortable with it. I'm just like, I like them. Like, I like having them around. And like, in some cultures, it's normal for kids to stay with their parents longer if they want to. I don't know. I really don't think it's uncomfortable with them leaving. I'm more like, it just seems cool. If they want to be there. I don't know. For the same reason it's... Yeah, I don't know. That's how I see it.JC (01:09:14.386)Mm -hmm.Mm -hmm. -hmm. Yeah.JC (01:09:25.8)Mm -hmm.JC (01:09:30.674)Yeah. No, it's interesting. you know, something I think about all the time and talk about a fair amount is like, I love New York and I want to be here, but I also specifically do not want to be very far away from my parents, especially as they get older. I feel like, you know, I'm uncomfortable with that. I, it's like, you could say whatever you want to say about it, but it's like, I feel...a sense of duty and care towards my mom, especially because she's on her own and she's in this stage of her life where she has helped greatly by having a family member nearby, me, who will go over and help her when she needs it. And my dad is partnered. it only occurred to me recently, like, good God, thank God for my stepmom because she can take care of my dad and I can take care of my mom. And I don't have to take care of both of them because she's there.Divia (01:10:05.005)MmDivia (01:10:13.24)Yeah.Divia (01:10:21.347)MmDivia (01:10:27.214)Yeah.JC (01:10:27.484)And if my mom had a caring partner, I would be a little bit more off the hook, but she doesn't. So I do have to step up because I do care. So it's interesting to me, and I don't know if you want to share any thoughts about this or whatever, but how many people are like, nope, gotta go. And it's like, yeah, but your parents are getting really old and they're really far away. And it's like, well, I gotta go. it's like, think there's like, yeah, there's nothing like.Divia (01:10:33.389)Right.Totally.Divia (01:10:50.423)No, I hear you.JC (01:10:52.968)wrong with that? Because I feel like there is the thing of like, we should all be free to live our own lives. And I feel like you put a person in the world to allow them to live their own life. And that could mean that they go halfway across the world and never see you again, because that's their life that you gave them to live. But as I don't know if we were talking about this before we started recording or not, but the whole thing of, we have this culture now where it's so the norm to like,move for school, move for a job, move for a partner, move for a life circumstance, move, move, move, move, like not necessarily be close to your family and your people and your hometown and whatever. So I don't know, do you wanna share any thoughts about like your decisions to go far away and how that's been?Divia (01:11:32.749)Yeah.Yeah. Yeah, obviously I did move and I didn't think I would. Like, I always thought that I would stay in New York and if I had kids, I'd do it in New York and that's what I thought. But then and I think there's like more than one way to tell any story, including this story. Like I moved to San Francisco to try to work on a startup with some friends. I didn't really end up doing it. They did whatever I in my.JC (01:11:57.385)Right.Divia (01:12:00.899)personal narrative, this sort of, at least one of the moments that I was like, I'm gonna go there. I was working, so I did move back to New York after college and I was living with my mom and I had various jobs and things and at the time I was working.JC (01:12:10.44)MmDivia (01:12:19.073)I like, it's actually, at first I was working for the mom of a friend we went to school with, but then I quit that job and I was doing some other stuff, some like programming type stuff. Anyway, I remember I was watching a video of the C -Studying Conference. don't know, do you know what C -Studying is? Because of me. Yeah, yeah, of course, right. Anyway, and I remember just like, and I've been reading, I sort of had finally found the part of the internet with the people that were like even more like me, like the.JC (01:12:35.154)Hmm. Well, because of you, yes.Divia (01:12:48.193)rationalist, transhumanist, libertarian, whatever, like those type of people. Like I found some of their blogs and stuff. And I was watching the Ceaseless Conference and I was kind of like, I have to go there. Like that's where they all are. Like that's sort of my, those are like more like my people. And not, I'm sorry, not like more like my people than my family are. Like I don't mean it like that at all. Like my family are my people in a totally different way. But like that's where I could find intellectual connection.JC (01:13:03.998)Hmm.JC (01:13:11.207)MmDivia (01:13:16.375)And I did, and it was like not even close. And to me, this is sort of, guess it makes sense to me you would have emphasized different parts of it, but I'm like, yeah, I went to Harvard and like everyone was really smart for sure. Especially like, I don't know, I mean, or like especially in a particular way, like everyone I met in computer science department, I'm like, wow, your mind is like really impressive. But my experience there was that most people didn't really care about ideas.JC (01:13:34.963)Mm -hmm.Mm -hmm.JC (01:13:46.388)So what do you mean by that? Like they just wanted to absorb information but they didn't want to create ideas or like?Divia (01:13:51.577)No, I don't know. like, and I really like no shade on anyone. Like I think people should do what they want. But my impression of most of the people I knew from Harvard was more like they care about their thing and being successful at their thing. And when we went, did you go to the 10 year reunion? You did, right? I think I saw you there. Yeah. That was the only one I went to. And then I guess the COVID messed up the anyway.JC (01:14:05.99)Yeah. Yeah.JC (01:14:10.962)Yeah, the 15th reunion was a trip. my God. I could talk to you about that, but anyway, go on.Divia (01:14:15.161)Okay. Yeah, anyway, I remember meeting up with everyone and I was sort of like, okay, like everyone seems cool more than I thought everyone has succeeded.JC (01:14:28.424)Hmm. You didn't expect.Divia (01:14:30.285)Including it with, no, no, I just didn't think about it one way the other and like sort of including it like the different things. So then he's like, well I make like a zillion dollars in an investment bank. I'm like, okay. And somebody's looking, I'm like the best at making these particular types of weird art installations in the world. And I'm like, awesome. so, like, I don't know. It's just like what they wanted to do. It seemed like they mostly had gone and done it, which I don't take for granted when I meet people in other parts of my life that if they're like have some crazy thing they're really into, then they're going to really go do it. But I feel like the Harvard people mostly did do it.JC (01:14:58.462)Hmm.Divia (01:14:59.181)I don't know if that's, again, you may have had a different experience. That's sort of the general vibe I got from the reunion. But then when I sort of ask people, it seems like there's some activity that rationalists are usually up to that's like a certain type of like trying to make sense of everything in the world. That like the people I know from Harvard just mostly weren't that into that activity.JC (01:15:15.123)Hmm.JC (01:15:19.152)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. I mean, yeah, rationalists definitely seem to be like a different breed than everybody else, you know? And I feel like, yeah, there's a lot of Harvard people where it's like, I'm just going to have the conventional picture of success. I'm going to get married, have children, make a lot of money, buy a nice house, you know, like...Divia (01:15:24.707)Yeah.Divia (01:15:36.505)Also, sorry, like, I think you, like, from your angle, it would make sense. You'd be like, they're gonna get married and have children. And I'm like, yeah. And you know what? At the 10 -year reunion, it seemed like I was the only one with kids. Because I think, again, I had it earlier. And they're like gonna have children at the exact normal time for like our social class and culture and whatever.JC (01:15:53.812)How old were you when you had Lydia then? guess 27? No. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because...Divia (01:15:57.273)I was 28, which is not even late. And I was one of the first from the school we went to growing up too. And there were, I think there were two other people that had kids before I did there.JC (01:16:09.96)Yeah, was Maxine and Liz. W? -huh. -huh.Divia (01:16:14.905)Yeah. Mm -hmm. think so. Unless I'm missing somebody. But I, and again, I'm like, and the depression I got at the time when I got pregnant when I was 27 is people were like, my God, that's so early. And I'm like, is it though? Is it though? No, but like it's, I guess so, but yeah.JC (01:16:28.668)Yes. For our cohort, yes. Yeah. I mean, feel like one of the... Or they're trying and failing because it's too late. Biologically, it's really difficult. That's an interesting thing that I'm witnessing right now is people's really horrible fertility journeys that are really making them suffer as late 30s and early 40s people.Divia (01:16:38.593)And now everyone has kids, it's true. Basically. Yeah, there's some of that. Yeah.Divia (01:16:53.891)Yeah.JC (01:16:58.244)And yeah, and also the whole thing of people kind of realizing like, God, maybe this isn't gonna happen for me. And like, what do I do now? Cause like that was the plan and it's not gonna happen for me. And I'm kind of as a child free person who loves their friends and wants to keep time with their friends. It's like, I want my friends to be happy and get what they want. And I feel terrible for people that are like, I want a child desperately and it's not gonna happen for me because I think about for myself. Like if somebody told me like,Divia (01:17:08.865)Right. Yeah.JC (01:17:27.824)something has changed, like, you know, if I lost my singing voice, it's like, it would f*****g suck. Like, I want to sing and my body may not let me and that would really suck, you know? So I definitely feel for them, but the selfish part of me or the part of me that's like, yeah, but how does this affect me? Is like, I hope that in five years, if it hasn't happened for people, that they've made peace with it and they're gonna move on and not have kids, you know? And we can just put this to bed, you know? Because again, it's like, I wish thatDivia (01:17:31.159)Right. Yeah.JC (01:17:58.13)I just wish that we lived in a way where whether you have kids or not, you can show up as a friend, but we don't live in that world. It's like even without kids, people can't show up as friends. But with kids, it's so much harder for many people to show up as friends, which is why I really appreciate that I can talk to you and that you do keep space for friend talks. But also I have an assumption with five kids, it's like, don't expect that of you. And I don't know, is it, know.Divia (01:18:25.917)But it's like, okay, that said, like, I don't have a job. So like... No, it is a lot of... Yeah, no, no, absolutely, and I don't want to be dismissive, but I'm like, at the same time, like, almost everybody has a lot of commitments in their life. I don't know, I don't...JC (01:18:29.076)But you'd be like, five kids. That's like six jobs. You do have the job of mother and homemaker and that's like, know? Right.JC (01:18:44.552)Mm -hmm, mm -hmm, mm -hmm. But I feel like there's this idea or just this reality that when most people who have kids have them, there just isn't space in their lives for their child -free friends anymore because the adults they're socializing with are their partner, their family, and other parents, because they get their kids together and do kid s**t. And then there's just nothing left for anybody else because they're exhausted.Divia (01:19:05.698)Yeah.JC (01:19:12.914)So it totally makes sense, but I've always taken it as like, I know it's not personal and it's not about me or any of their other friends that don't have kids, but it is this kind of statement of like, hey, my life is moving in a different direction, goodbye, you know? And it's like, what if I said, know, it's like, feel like something I say all the time is like, I designed my life to have time and space and flexibility partially so that I could see other people.Divia (01:19:13.495)Yeah.Divia (01:19:28.131)All right.JC (01:19:38.002)and I feel like nobody else did that, so maybe I shouldn't have done that, but I didn't know nobody else was gonna do that. So I did it because I wanted to see people, and now I can't, because nobody else did it, so now I'm like, okay, I guess I should take my time back and go work or go travel the world or do whatever, because nobody wants my time. So I guess I'll take it back, you know?Divia (01:19:38.519)Okay.Divia (01:19:56.257)It is, and everyone, it's, I don't know, the whole thing seems tragic to me because again, like everyone said, not everyone, but so many people say they're lonely, including people with kids say that too.JC (01:20:00.254)Mm -hmm.JC (01:20:04.484)Mm -hmm, mm -hmm, mm -hmm, mm -hmm. But it's like, okay, but if you never call me, and I'm not saying you, I'm saying like my friends with kids, it's like, you know that your buddy JC has asked you a trillion times to talk and hang out. You know that, you know I don't have a partner, you know I don't have kids, you know I have a flexible schedule. I have shown up that way throughout this entire friendship, and again, I'm not saying you and me, I'm saying me and these people. And so it's like, you know, but again,Divia (01:20:10.541)Yeah. No, I know.Divia (01:20:28.91)Yeah.JC (01:20:32.148)being number 697 on the priority list. don't, you know, it's like, I don't think of everybody all the time. So I shouldn't expect that all my friends would think of me specifically, you know?Divia (01:20:39.577)I guess, no, but there's something, it's... And I don't know, like, I definitely have a category in my head that so many people are in that's like, okay, this person's flaky. And you're not. Like, it's not, and I think that flakiness is not mostly about, like... I mean, to be clear, it's great about being proactive, but I think it's pretty, like, there's so many people I know that they can tell me, like, I'm coming over to hang out in a couple hours.JC (01:20:50.374)Mm -hmm. Yeah.Divia (01:21:09.217)And I'll be like, meh, better not make any plans around that.JC (01:21:12.943)Mm because you know they won't show up or they'll show up way later than they sayDivia (01:21:14.945)Or they might, or they, who knows? Like, they might show up. I'd usually be like thrilled if they did, but like, but I can't, and sometimes I've, yeah, and they're like, like I do try to, like I think it's better for them if I don't count on them at all, because then I'm not resentful, but it definitely is like a different sort of relationship.JC (01:21:21.374)MmJC (01:21:33.63)MmJC (01:21:37.244)Yeah. And this is why we need direct communication where like somebody should say, I have this idea that I would like to come over, but I don't know if I can follow through. And then you can be like, okay, well, I'm leaving my house at 5pm. So if you're not here before then, I'm not going to see you. And that's it. You know, like this wishy washy b******t is insane.Divia (01:21:51.033)Yeah, and I don't... There's something I don't... I mean, I can try to like inhabit the space, but I think I don't really relate to it that much. I mean, I don't know. I definitely like, I don't know. Last night I was like, yeah, I think I'll probably be free at seven. And then like my food was late and I was free at like seven ten. And I'm like, yeah, I probably should have said like probably by seven fifteen because like half the time something happens. But I think it's... I don't know.JC (01:22:13.257)MmJC (01:22:22.492)Yeah, I'm always thinking like, what can be done about this? Like I've said often, like, if there was an app that would help you do all the back and forth in order to meet up with your friends, you didn't have to do it. The app would just figure out here's when JC is free, here's when Divya is free, here's a type of food they both like. Like what? I've never heard of it.Divia (01:22:39.843)But they have those apps, right? and maybe not about the food, but they have like a doodle poll and stuff for like picking times.JC (01:22:48.198)Yeah, but I'm talking about, know, like it would have to be so beyond that because it's like, is Divya in the mood to see J .C. specifically at this time? You know what I mean? And then it's like, will she be somewhere in town where she can go to this restaurant and not that restaurant? And like, you know.Divia (01:22:56.855)yeah, fair enough, yeah.Divia (01:23:02.177)Okay, so this is like, if we have AI assistance, maybe. I do wonder if that's where the world is going, that like in a couple years, everyone's just going to be like, have your eye talk to my AI and it'll set us up. Yeah, maybe.JC (01:23:12.606)I mean, maybe, but also I feel like I wouldn't be surprised if people start to create new paradigms of like, you know, the old way wasn't working, here's how we're gonna do it going forward, where it's like, we need to make communal living structures. know, people need to make peace with the fact of like, no, you're not gonna move six times for your career if you want quality relationships. You're gonna live in your intentional community and you're gonna stay there.and you're going to work remotely if you have to or whatever, you know, like, and not in terms of coercion, but just in terms of people realizing like, it just doesn't work.Divia (01:23:40.483)We did it.Divia (01:23:44.02)Yeah,But the thing is, is that, and this is, think, my top question is, like, but is that what people would really choose if they had the choice? I can't tell. Yeah.JC (01:23:54.672)some people, not everybody. know? I think, well, you know, yeah, it's hard to know what people would do under ideal circumstances because we'll never have that. Like, you know, I was saying to my cousin earlier today, like, a lot of the people that I know who identify as introverts who like quote unquote hate people, I wonder if they would feel that way if they were relaxed and not stressed out and like provided for.and got to choose who they spend time with. Yeah, yeah, and got to choose who they spend time with instead of spending at least 40 hours a week with people they don't care about and who they find kind of annoying partially because they spend 40 hours a week with them, you know, doing something other than socializing, you know? And I feel like a lot of people who are like, when I get off of work, I don't want to talk to anybody. It's like, well, that probably wouldn't be true if you had not spent your day with people you don't like doing things you don't want to do, you know?Divia (01:24:17.185)Right. much of it is like anxiety, basically?Divia (01:24:29.111)Right.Divia (01:24:43.137)Yeah, and I also wonder, like, so this is another... I think I was... It's probably in some ways just me being slow, but also like maybe a real difference or something.When I was maybe like 25 or so, I was hanging out with one of my friends and she asked me, she was sort of like, like she asked me something and I was like, what are you gonna talk about or whatever? And she was like, I wanna talk about the thing, whatever the thing is that's actually on your mind. Like that's what I would prefer to talk about. And I was kind of like, whoa, I don't think anybody, like never occurred to me that anyone would be interested in that.JC (01:25:12.733)hahaJC (01:25:17.02)instead of just like having a thing they wanted to talk about whether you wanted to or not or something.Divia (01:25:21.599)Or like, and I don't know, like she probably just managed to say it to me in a way that I really heard it. But like, instead of just talking about what's normal or like some sort of more obviously approved topic, like, I don't know. And so I think like, I do also, and I think like, whatever, like Will is actually introverted.JC (01:25:30.696)or like what's going on or.JC (01:25:44.464)Ew.Divia (01:25:44.595)people don't know it. That it's interesting. People think he's an extrovert and he does make plans and he knows more people than I do. But anyway, I think real introversion is a thing. I also unfortunately, and I let's talk to people even before it occurred to me that I like it was more possible to talk about the things that were really important to me. But then that's and again, this is like a big discourse too. There's likeJC (01:25:57.218)Mm -hmm, unfortunately.Divia (01:26:13.901)How do you get past small talk versus people being like, no, no, we need small talk. Small talk is great. How arrogant of you to think that you should skip it. Whatever. There's like a whole thing, but.JC (01:26:18.098)Mm -hmm.JC (01:26:21.446)Yeah. I mean, people have all these ideas about what's allowed and what's not allowed. And like, you can ask people real questions. You know, it's like I do it all the time. And then people will be like, Whoa, that's kind of deep. And I'm like, but I always give people an out. I'm like, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but I'm interested to know blah, blah, blah. And I find that when I say that people just tell me the answer. Nobody has ever been like, I don't want to talk about that, but they could. And they're not coerced. They're like, wow. Well, yeah, here are my thoughts. And I'm like, great. We're in it. You know,Divia (01:26:29.763)Yeah.Divia (01:26:34.381)Yeah.Divia (01:26:43.565)Yeah.JC (01:26:50.632)But you know, it's like, there's lots of, like, it's funny. I feel like one of the most frequent exchanges I have with my mom is her saying, well, I wonder about this, but I can't ask them that. And I'm like, you actually can. You're just telling yourself that you can't, or you don't know how to ask it in a way that's gentle and thoughtful. But like, people want you to give a s**t, and they often want to share if you give them a safe space to share, you know?Divia (01:27:02.849)Right?Divia (01:27:11.885)Yeah.Divia (01:27:17.965)Yeah.JC (01:27:19.166)So I recommend that people ask what they wanna ask, just be gentle and thoughtful about it, or like read the room if it's like, obviously somebody's not in the mindset for it, then don't, but like.Divia (01:27:20.665).Divia (01:27:24.451)Well, and also, like... When, as you say, it's like with the other thing, like... And if people actually don't want to do that, then probably better to find out now, because...JC (01:27:34.238)MmDivia (01:27:36.673)I do want to this sort of relationship. there's some people that maybe, they're part of my life for some instrumental reason. I just want to, like, keep the piece or something. But mostly if I want to hang out with someone a lot, I'd rather it actually be interesting, including for me.JC (01:27:48.668)Mm And also, like, I always wonder how, like, if you're somebody who thinks you can't ask people anything, how often are people walking away from an interaction with you being like, I told her I had an illness and she had no follow -up questions? What the f**k? You know? Like, I said that because I wanted her to say, like, I'm so sorry. What happened? Are you okay? And she just didn't. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. I mean, there's, you know, it's like, it's, you know, different strokes for different folks. I think there's people who are veryDivia (01:28:08.291)Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.JC (01:28:17.908)private and enigmatic and whatever. But I find that I think probably one of the reasons that I have a lot of friendships and that they all feel pretty good is that I will ask people stuff and they feel comfortable sharing it with me and vice versa.Divia (01:28:35.949)Yeah, like somebody just tweeted something that was like, when I die, like, I'm gonna try to tell them to put the cause of death in my obituary. She's like, but because don't people want to know? Like, why doesn't it just say? Right?JC (01:28:44.48)Yes, I have to say that's one of my social taboos that I'm like that has to go. The whole died suddenly s**t. It's like go f**k yourself. Of what? What the f**k did this person die of? Because it matters and I wanna know and if you don't tell me I'm gonna wonder about it for the rest of time. And there's no f*****g reason for that. Just say like s**t happens, you know?Divia (01:28:53.153)YouDivia (01:29:03.533)Yeah, I don't really get it either. I can understand like some things are maybe a little sensitive, but usually it's not. Usually it's like, was it a crash or was it cancer or was it like, or did they kill themselves? And that's very sad, but still we should know.JC (01:29:11.891)Yeah!Yeah, and it's like, I'm sorry, it's something that happens every day. It's not a stigma, like a stigmatized thing. Like it shouldn't be. It's like, sometimes people do that. And you know, it's like, I just feel like it's an illness in society to not talk about stuff because it's like, that's how we got to this place of like, everybody's experienced, you know, abuse or this or that or trauma, but nobody talks about it. And then it's like, people continue to be victimized because nobody knows how to protect themselves because nobody talks about what they've been through and how it happened and whatever.Divia (01:29:18.701)Yeah.Divia (01:29:23.105)Not very much anyway. Yeah.Divia (01:29:36.664)Right.JC (01:29:44.956)You know, so it's like, feel like the reason why younger generations are like so much more savvy is because they're growing up in a time where they can hear hundreds of people talk about the most taboo s**t anytime they want. You just Google search it, YouTube search it, yeah. And then like somebody will tell you the gory details of what happened to them. And then you learn and you recognize how to keep yourself safe more often, you know?Divia (01:29:57.195)Even the internet, yeah.Divia (01:30:03.193)Let's show.Divia (01:30:07.107)Yeah, it's so wild. Like, I remember this stuff as a kid being like, I want to the answer to that, but I'm scared to ask. And it was like really like basic stuff. Like I remember as a kid, I kind of wanted to know how it worked with like bubble gum. I'm like, but how do people do that? But I felt embarrassed to ask anyone. One of the things I know, but I just, seemed weird that I, and I think the top thing that I was missing was that like, no, you can't just blow a bubble with any gum. You need bubble gum. I thought you could just blow a bubble with any gum.JC (01:30:13.246)Mm -hmm.JC (01:30:21.556)Hmm. Hmm. Even though there's like nothing taboo about that.JC (01:30:37.576)like what would be an example of gum that you can't blow a bubble with just like a tougher gum that's not less elastic? I don't know. think I could imagine that that likes Yeah, I could imagine that that like very natural gum at the checkout line at Whole Foods is not one you can blow bubbles with, you knowDivia (01:30:40.491)so maybe you can. Maybe I'm still wrong. I don't know. I didn't really chew gum,Yeah, I think so. Anyway, just like random stuff like that that I'd be like, anyway, and we should probably wrap up pretty soon. like, just like, I sort of just wish I could have googled all that stuff.JC (01:31:02.492)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Yeah, the kids today have no idea how good they have it.Divia (01:31:04.153)But I will say something, I keep meaning to like contact her and go tell her, but like a friend of mine when I was 13 at summer camp really helped me with this because there was something that like the popular kids in our bunk were talking about. And she was just like, she just asked them, she was like, what are you talking about?And I remember going to her later and be like, you're not supposed to do that. It's like weird. It's like socially, whatever. And she was like, however, I want to know the answer. Therefore I should ask. And I was kind of like, you know, I never really thought of it that way. And you really know, this was, this was summer camp. You. Yeah. It could have been at summer camp. Yeah. No, you did once you went to that Italian summer camp.JC (01:31:27.881)Yeah.She sounds like me. Was it me? And I just don't remember it? Yeah. Right. Well, I don't remember anything, so I could have been there. I'm kidding. I do know that I didn't go to summer camp.yeah, but that was one month in senior year. So it's like, if I was a child, I certainly was not at summer camp, you know? Yeah. And I always joke, it's like, you know, the one time I went to a summer camp, I came back and 9 -11 happened. So don't go to summer camp.Divia (01:31:48.407)Yeah. For sure. Yeah.Divia (01:31:56.665)yeah. Yeah, I guess we're just on the anniversary of that. Happy 9 -11? Yeah, something like that. It's so weird.JC (01:32:01.332)I know happy 9 -11. Yep, I say every 9 -11 where there isn't a 9 -11 is a happy 9 -11, you know? And the weather's great. Is that where we want to wrap up?Divia (01:32:09.825)Yeah, yeah, that's true.Yeah? Anyway, all right. I think so. I guess I will just say in closing, I don't know, I sometimes fondly think, like I had, you know, I had a couple pretty good friends when I was a kid, but you were, you were definitely one of them. And we, you were like the original person that I would argue with. I think, right?JC (01:32:28.681)Mm -hmm.JC (01:32:34.004)You were the original person that I felt close to and you're like, you're the original person that I would fight with because you're f*****g annoying. No, I'm kidding. Yeah. Hmm. I mean, I don't remember, but sure.Divia (01:32:37.369)I did feel close to you. No, no, no, not like that. No, like about ideas, right? No, we would. No, we, okay, well we did. We would talk about math homework. We were talking about like different things, but like, I, there's a certain type of way I like to talk about ideas that's like somewhat more combative and a lot of people aren't up for it, but that's, at least that's how I thought of it is that you seem like you were basically.JC (01:32:57.458)Mm -mm.JC (01:33:01.458)Yeah, no, I love talking to you and talking about s**t, you know, and I'm down, I'm down, you know? Mm -hmm, yeah, we had good times. All I remember from the early days, yeah, I only remember from the early days concretely as your purple confetti glasses in kindergarten, which I think you said, no, that was first grade or whatever, but.Divia (01:33:04.567)Yeah, like we talk about politics and stuff. I know, it was fun.Yes, I'm glad you came.Divia (01:33:16.215)Yep. Yeah, I didn't have glasses in kindergarten, that's true. Did not have glasses in kindergarten.JC (01:33:21.32)Did not? There was never a PG pre -glasses Divya, a PGD.Divia (01:33:27.117)But that's the thing, we didn't know each other in kindergarten, so that's why you think that probably.JC (01:33:31.249)Yeah, but I think in the womb you had tiny little glasses on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, you I'm down for a part two if you ever want to, but I also understand if you need to diversify your guest lineup.Divia (01:33:33.689)In some spiritual sense, probably,Divia (01:33:42.947)Yeah, no, you can come back on. we should stop for now, but everyone should go check out J .C.' podcast. I'll leave it in the show notes. Anything else?JC (01:33:51.24)Yeah, I'm at jccassis .com, JCCASSIS .com and then also at JCCASSIS on social media except for Instagram, which is jc .cassis and risk is at risk -show .com or at risk show on social media.Divia (01:34:02.702)YouDivia (01:34:08.089)like you do this. And if anyone lives within 10 blocks of JC and isn't flaky, maybe be friends.JC (01:34:09.374)It's almost like that.JC (01:34:14.898)Right, and I'm not gonna tell you where that is, because it's the internet, basically, you know, whatever. If you meet me, you meet me, it was meant to be, and if not, you know, then I guess we'll never meet. All right, thanks for having me, bye.Divia (01:34:17.589)Exactly.Divia (01:34:22.329)Alright, talk to you soon. Bye. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mutualunderstanding.substack.com

Michael Vassar and I had this exchange on Twitter, and this podcast is a followup discussion. I think we mostly didn’t find a huge disagreement, but did cover some interesting ground.Transcript:Divia (00:02)Hey, I'm here today with Michael Vassar because we had a disagreement on Twitter that was actually from many years ago that I recently circled back to. And Michael, which is totally in character, was like, let's actually hash this out. And yeah, I've known Michael for a really long time, definitely more than, we met more than 15 years ago. And I would describe you as one of my biggest intellectual influences for sure. I feel like at some point you sort ofI was like, what's going on? And you were like, let me try to tell you, which is, I don't know, it's very much what you're like. Something I quite admire about you is how perhaps more than anyone I know, it seems like you are really dedicated to being like, okay, you person in front of me, how are you making sense of the world? How am I making sense of the world? Let's like actually bridge that gap and talk about it. And so, yeah, I think it's fitting that we're here going to try to do a little bit of that now.And I'll start by just sharing. So yeah, I had posted, and this was one of the early things that I posted when I got back into Twitter around 2019. I was talking about words and I said, there's an issue with the word ego where people need self -concept, self -concepts are important in load -bearing. And then the word for it makes all of that sound nefarious. And then Michael said,Self -concepts are load -bearing, but suboptimal. Memory, perspective, and epistemology concepts are better and less vulnerable to memetic infections. So, I don't know, that's kind of the context. Should we dive in? What are your thoughts?Michael Vassar (01:36)Sure, I could dive in. I mean, I can see the value of something that is non -conceptually selfie, like Schopenhauer's concept of will and representation, as something distinct from memory and epistemology. The idea that there is a thing that is not represented that structures and constructsDivia (01:52)What is?Michael Vassar (02:06)the subject matter, the content of representation, like the way Yoshibok talks about consciousness says that you're definitely a simulation because you're conscious. Things that can be you are necessarily conscious and they're necessarily simulations of something else that is not AU and is not conscious, you know?Divia (02:26)Okay, so on the one hand that makes sense to me and then I'm like, okay, but are you arguing that like we shouldn't even have a word like I?Michael Vassar (02:35)I'm not arguing that we shouldn't have a word like I, I'm arguing that the natural meaning for the word I is...also the natural meaning for ego in a stage one and two simulation non -performative world. Like there's a performative shadow world and a non -performative ego world. And the real self is in some sense a particular monkey and in some senseDivia (02:50)Right?Yeah.Michael Vassar (03:16)physics or evolution or the fabric of reality in Deutsches' sense and like the agency of the self.Divia (03:24)Like an all self type of self, mean? When you say that?Michael Vassar (03:26)Well, not all self insofar as it's evolution, it's not necessarily all self. Physics is a fully extended self, but evolution and computation are like...Divia (03:31)Okay, but in terms of its physics, I'm like, that sounds like pretty broad, yeah.Okay, all right, so there's a lot to unpack, but I think where I'm starting from is like, no, but there's a monkey, for sure, that's sort of like, I don't know, more, there's a body, there's a bag of skin, there's a thing, but there's also like a feature in the world that is not just the body, that.Michael Vassar (03:57)There is a body, there is a monkey.Divia (04:06)To me it seems natural to use some word like I to have some sort of self -concept around this feature and it's like, it's nebulous, it's fuzzy, whatever, there's a bunch of nonsense, but like, we do need something to refer to this feature, right?Michael Vassar (04:18)So like the issue is that there's the version of eye that's in my head and the version of eye that's in your head. And it's natural for the version of eye that's in my head to be a partial picture that I construct to shape my actions and the version in your head to be a partial picture that you construct to shape your actions. And for those two things to be like pretty different so thatDivia (04:35)Yeah.Yes.Michael Vassar (04:48)If I forget something that I said I was to do something for you that I said I was going to do, this is unintentional from the perspective of my eye and not unintentional from the perspective of your eye because the eye that is constructed by me is aDivia (05:04)Cool.Michael Vassar (05:10)tool for remembering commitments, among other things. And the eye that is constructed, the micol that's constructed by you, is the thing that constructs that tool. So the thing that constructed, the thing that constructs my eye, like parts of that are part of your eye and not part of my eye. So it's intentional from the perspective that treats me as the eye in your head.if I forget the commitment and not intentional from the perspective and like there's aDivia (05:43)mean, that seems like an oversimplification. It seems like sometimes when I'm thinking of other people, I'm like, that one seemed really like a random oversight. And sometimes that seemed like a pattern that they don't think of as intentional, I wouldn't. Like, think that's it. But I think it would depend, right?Michael Vassar (05:59)Yeah, it depends to some degree, but I mean, like you might say that sometimes there isDivia (06:05)You're talking about the fundamental attribution error basically, right? No?Michael Vassar (06:09)Yeah, I guess you could think of it as the fundamental attribution error. I don't really think I was thinking of it that way. I think I'm talking about something bigger than the fundamental attribution error, more general.Divia (06:16)MmOkay, okay, so let me try to back up again. there's, we both agree there's some feature in the world that, and then there's a self -model in the person's own head, like in my head, and then there's a self -model, there's a model of me in other people's heads, and those are gonna be different, right? Because they serve different purposes. And then it is, so then it is true for sure that there's a thing where I...We're people in general, think, where culture encourages us to have, try to unify these things and have some eye that's like my public facing me that I keep track of and that I kind of want other people to like, that we're sort of trying to have the same thing about what I am. Like that's also part of it, right?Michael Vassar (07:07)Right, but I would say that the thing that that's the thing I would call ego in a stage one. No, I'm not objecting to it. That thing that we're creating together is one of the meanings of the word ego. And there's a different thing. Yeah. And there's a different thing, which is also called ego, which is more likeDivia (07:13)That's what you're objecting to.MmYeah, the sort of the social model of the person.Michael Vassar (07:35)like Vitae in a Vampire of the Masquerade sense, it's more like a...Divia (07:38)I don't know what that is.Michael Vassar (07:44)social substance that is used to animate amore integrated pattern of behavior in a person who has become performative. So like,Divia (08:09)Okay, let me see, wait, sorry, sorry. Let me just take a second to digest that. You're saying there's some sort of social...thing that gives life to something, like some sort of social power that gathers and it's like, okay, you could be a kind of integrated thing in so far as you live up to this performance.Michael Vassar (08:31)Insofar as you are recognized in this way, insofar as you are validated in this way, you can construct a more coherent, although still in some sense performative or an authentic agent. I think about it as there is a non -traumatized state that hopefully our children are still in, wherein one has aDivia (08:36)Okay.Okay.MmMichael Vassar (09:02)integrated, not perfectly integrated, course, that's physically impossible, but a not at all disintegrated self, because the constraints of building a self model haven't come into conflict with the constraints of building a shared self model that you and others can also share.Divia (09:26)Okay. Sorry, I don't know if that seems... I guess I'm skeptical that that isn't sort of there pretty early, but maybe.Michael Vassar (09:28)andSo it seems pretty unlikely that our two -year -olds need to, when modeling themselves, also model our modeling of them. They don't succeed very well at false belief tasks. And that's related, I think, to modeling other people's models.Divia (09:46)Yeah.For sure they're not very, yeah, I would agree that they're definitely not very good at it. Whether it already seems like an active thing they're trying for, I don't know. I'm sort of more agnostic about that part. It seems like it easily might be.Michael Vassar (10:15)I feel like they're actively trying to share information about themselves and they're actively trying to get attention, but I don't feel like they are.Divia (10:21)Right.Michael Vassar (10:27)trying to have a reputation.Divia (10:30)Yeah, I'm just, I think I hear what you're saying. I feel more agnostic on that.Michael Vassar (10:34)Okay.So it seems like they certainly are not.So I think that really up to a fairly old age, like old enough to have like a lot of fairly concrete memories and to have interests and to talk to people, cetera, I was like not really thinking about other people's picture of me at all. Like I think I can.Divia (11:16)Okay.Michael Vassar (11:21)remember being a second grader and being aware of how cringe I had been, not in those words that didn't exist, as a first grader. How like in show and tells or something, how I had been just showing and telling about things that I was interested in and not really at all thinking about the mental states of the people I was showing and telling to.Divia (11:31)MmYeah.Michael Vassar (11:50)and whether they might be interested or what they might know or not know to begin with. I feel like between first and second grade, there was some level of metacognition that is coming online and after fairly detailed memory traces had been laid down and not fallen into the distant past.Divia (11:54)Sure, yeah.I mean, yeah, I don't know. I have more thoughts about this. Does this seem like an important part of, like, is this a tangent or is this central?Michael Vassar (12:22)So like, I mean, I think thatOne open question is the ego construct that we construct together in order to make a substitute for my picture of myself and for your picture of me that we can both work around. That ego construct isDivia (12:43)Yeah. Yeah.Michael Vassar (12:51)It's a matter of great debate how similar that ego construct is to the construct I would build for myself on my own or that you would build for me on your own. And also a matter of great debate how similar either of those things are to the actual monkey.Divia (13:11)Yeah, though I think I object again to calling it the monkey. I'm like, there's a feature that seems more like a... This also seems like a bad way to describe it, but it's sort of like a distributed process. Also.Michael Vassar (13:22)Should we call it a monkey god? Should we call it Hanuman? I mean, it's a thing that is in some ways enormously powerful compared to the thing that we normally imagine ourselves to be. I like to say that we are very puny. What we think we are is very puny compared to the Greek gods. And what we think the Greek gods are is even more puny compared to the thing we actually are.Divia (13:31)MmMichael Vassar (13:51)And the thing we actually are is even more puny than that compared to reality. But like, there's a big gap between the thing we think we are and the thing we actually are that involves the fact that the thing we think we are is creating the world we find ourselves in, in every moment. And we don't think of ourselves as doing that. We don't have conscious ability to mentally paint aDivia (13:52)Right, yeah.Yeah, yeah, no, and I think I follow that,Right. Yeah, okay.Michael Vassar (14:19)seemingly perfectly rendered reality around ourselves. And you know, like we don't have the ability to just immerse ourselves in full illusion, but we like, in fact, do have the ability to create the thing we think is reality out of very limited data.Divia (14:35)Yes, that's right.I mean, very limited. seems pretty high bandwidth about that, no?Michael Vassar (14:44)I mean, if you are watching a small child, they can't create a reality that is very similar to ours. They have very high salience on certain patterns that they're very fixated on, like trains and airplanes, but they will totally fail to understand what you are doing when you point at fireworks for the first time. And they'll just understand the activity ofDivia (14:56)No, for sure, but that's a bit -This is some kids more than others. Yeah, no, but it's...Yeah,Michael Vassar (15:13)saying fireworks and pointing at the sky, but will not in fact point at fireworks because fireworks are an anomalous thing and you need lot of development of vision. You see what I'm saying? They haven't done the training.Divia (15:28)I do, but I'm like, right, but that does seem like we understand about fireworks in part because we have so much more data than the young kid, right?Michael Vassar (15:36)But some of that data is data of having seen a lot of fireworks. that it's not just the sense.Divia (15:39)Yes, still for sure. Yeah, definitely.Okay, there's so many interesting places we could go with this and I have no idea how much I should try to sort of bring our listeners along with what may or may not make sense about this conversation. But I think I want to try to figure out what the core thing is. I'm like, all right, so we maybe have like a potential disagreement or maybe it's semantic. No, I think it's not. Like a potential disagreement about what exactly is young kids are doing, how much, but then, and you're also saying, look, there's this thing thatSociety is kind of, I don't know, like sort of injecting people with some ability to integrate. Can you say more about that part?Michael Vassar (16:23)Yeah, okay. So there is this thing, trauma or secondary socialization. like primary socialization is the construction of the original ego and the original other model. And like that happens around age seven or eight primarily. And it's like, in some sense, probably the biggest cognitiveDivia (16:45)This is the thing you're talking about where you're like, when I was in first grade, I didn't realize about show and tell, but now I do. Okay, so I think I'm still stuck on this. like, okay, but I think a lot of kids, not necessarily with their explicit thoughts, but I feel like they have some, some kids at that age, I think are pretty tuned in to like, it's pretty primary for them. Like how are other people to reacting to what I'm doing rightMichael Vassar (17:09)Yeah, but in a vibes -y way.Divia (17:10)think there's so much variation. I agree, in a vibes -y way, but I'm like, and I think that part, again, I think there's huge variation and I think it's there from the time babies come out, that some babies are very into that in a vibes -y way and some babies not so much.Michael Vassar (17:27)Right, so there is a participatory, vibes -y way of behaving that is, by default, going to kind of gradually condense and congeal and integrate with a subject -object way of behaving.Divia (17:44)Okay, that seems right, yeah.Michael Vassar (17:45)And eventually, that will peak at around age 10 or so. You'll be kind of maximally integrated, completely done with primary socialization and not really started on secondary socialization. And then there's this.Divia (18:01)Okay.Michael Vassar (18:06)folk psychology, which is the psychology of folk theory of mind, that's formalized as homo economicus, but in a slightly perverse way that seems to either assume somewhat equivocally that a very high level of rule abidingness or a or no rule abidingnessDivia (18:13)Okay.Michael Vassar (18:36)doesn't really like, like there's an equivocation of does homo economicus steal never or all the time? If homo economicus steals all the time, then there can be no economy. If homo economicus never steals, we're dealing with a fairly simplified model of the economy.Divia (18:55)True. I mean, some people have models of like, well, then they're just police and stuff, which is obviously incomplete, like, economics classes do discuss this.Michael Vassar (19:05)It's sufficiently incomplete that it never convinced me even a little bit. the first time I did steal anything was when I was lecturing 15 year olds on how obviously incomplete it was. So I walked into a candy store and took out not some candy, but like a whole box of candy. And it's like, look, you can just, not a candy store, a store. And then I'm like, look, if you want to, if you.Divia (19:12)Yeah.Michael Vassar (19:32)you can pay any attention at all to where other people's attention is and just take anything you want. And we don't do that because it would make us uncomfortable and we don't want to mess with systems that we depend on.Divia (19:44)I to a certain extent that's true, but I think we maybe disagreed somewhat about this in the past also, but it seems to me though, if you do remove the actual law enforcement side of things, then eventually over time, people will do some sort of more profit maximizing thing about stealing the things from the store and reselling them, et cetera. I think we do see this when, right?Michael Vassar (20:08)So I think that when we see, okay, so I think that.What we see right now is a world where we built law enforcement and also dismantled the right to self -defense and implemented a sort of cryptic class and abuse system wherein people who are tracked as good guys in a sense or slave morality types or whatever you want to think about it will be aggressively prosecuted fordubious violations of the law if they are getting uppity and where people who are presenting as bad guys or lawless or master morality will not be bothered at all. Okay, so 100 years ago, we had law but we didn't have police everywhere and 150 years ago, we had police almost nowhere, but we had private prosecutions. had...Divia (21:09)Yes.Michael Vassar (21:09)You could hire investigators, you could hire lawyers, you could arrest people. And to some degree, people still can do that, but it's so trivial that the courts are going to be so hostile to it that in actual practice you can't. So it seems that...Divia (21:23)Yeah, we sort of dismantled the natural anarcho -capitalism that we used to have.Michael Vassar (21:28)Right. seems that the dismantling the, right. Anarcho -legalism. We had anarcho -legalism, not anarcho -capitalism. Like in the book of Judges, you have law and no king.Divia (21:35)Check your legalism. What does that mean?What is that? Why is that a just, okay. What does anarcho -legalism mean? I've never heard that term.Michael Vassar (21:50)I mean, I haven't heard of it either. okay, what I'm saying is that anarcho -capitalism tends to imply that there's no, maybe something like private courts. While you can have like official courts, but the official courts are not part of a, or integrated with a state apparatus in a manner that gives the state apparatus a lot of power to legislate or control them.Divia (21:52)YouYeah, that's true, right.Yeah.Michael Vassar (22:20)the courts. So in Islam you have likeDivia (22:22)Okay, sure, fine. So it's not strictly private, but it was mostly like private initiative to use the public courts is what you're saying, or the government courts.Michael Vassar (22:32)It, like, prosec, investigation and prosecution were strictly private. Investigation and prosecution were strictly private except for like exotic things like the secret service that are very limited domains of focus, mostly counterfeiting.Divia (22:47)Okay, I don't know much of this history, but anyway, so I think I do wanna also try to stay a little bit on what's central. This is all part of like, look, most people don't steal stuff because they think they shouldn't or it feel weird or something more like that than because of concerns about enforcement. That seems true for most people.Michael Vassar (23:07)Right. And at an equilibrium, people will protect their own property and they also mostly won't steal stuff, I would think. there is a path, throughout most of history, in most times and places, I think, people would have protected their own property and not... Right.Divia (23:20)What do you mean by equilibrium?Yeah.Yeah.As much as they could, anyway.Michael Vassar (23:36)But I mean, they would not have accepted, they wouldn't have protected it from big bandits, but they would have protected it in routine interactions. They would not have had the intuition that when they were in the right, it was still against them to apply coercion to self -defense or holding onto their property, you know?Divia (23:46)Seems right.Yeah, my impression is that society's like hunter -gatherers or early historicalists or agriculturalists, I think they do have some property anyway. I think the degree to which they can, but I mean, it's sort of, in some ways it seems circular. I think this is like what David Freeman talks about, like natural property. Like the thing that they called property was the stuff that they could do that with. And then the thing that they couldn't do that with, they didn't try to own it.Michael Vassar (24:07)YouYeah.Divia (24:34)Like they didn't, like I think many peoples did not try to own land because how would they even do that?Michael Vassar (24:41)I mean they would do that as a collective. They would have territory as a pride.Divia (24:44)They would do it somewhat as a collective, for sure, but even then I think sometimes it was limited about that.Michael Vassar (24:49)Well, if the land is very low quality, then they just wouldn't try to own it. If they are basically desert people, then they just wouldn't try to own it. If they're like, right.Divia (24:58)Yeah, I think it depends. there is some sort right, so I think it does seem like a natural outgrowth of how people behave or something, that there will be some things that they will try to protect them and it will be practical to do that and then they will call it property or something. I don't know if that word exactly, but they will have some sense of ownership for those things.Michael Vassar (25:19)Yeah, that seems true.Divia (25:21)Right.Yeah, how much wealth accumulation, because also sometimes it wasn't practical for reasons other than defending it to really accumulate very much wealth. Anyway, like a lot of things, they're either too large or they don't store well or like all of those standard sort of economic arguments for why people didn't used to be able to accumulate very much.Michael Vassar (25:40)Absolutely.Divia (25:50)Anyway, yeah, okay, so I agree. People naturally do have some impulse to defend the things that they think of as theirs because there's some sort of equilibrium about that. That seems right.Michael Vassar (26:00)Yeah. Right. So like, I think that that was doing the job, not policing for most people, almost all people at almost all times in history before the 20th century.Divia (26:15)that people's personal property, it didn't really matter about the police in terms of that.Michael Vassar (26:19)Yeah, and I mean, there would have been like a registry of deeds in the court system and they might have in a more serious conflict taken one another to court for damages or whatever, but they would not be using the police to do that. They would still be having like a bailiff that comes and says to come to court and there's an assumption that of course you're going to come. And like, if you didn't, it would be a very large deal and people, you you like, you might have aDivia (26:24)MmYeah, no -Right.Michael Vassar (26:50)Posse rather than a police system.Divia (26:54)I mean, that also seems like the original form of law that emerges various places. Again, I'll say David Friedman, like, feud law, right? Like, okay, fine, we sort of can't resolve this. Like, I'll get my people, you have your people.Michael Vassar (27:01)short.But I mean, like, I was thinking more like Icelandic law or like outlaw status being a thing. You know, people want to be under the protection of the law and not to be not under the protection of the law. And they don't want the sheriff to be rounding people up to hunt them down. But, you know, that's like a older thing than policing.Divia (27:07)Okay, anyway, sorry.Okay.Okay, sure.Michael Vassar (27:30)OK, so.How did we get into this? We were talking about homo economicus.Divia (27:36)Because you were saying that there's sort of two. Yeah, exactly. There are two archetypes. There's homo economicus that never steals and homo economicus that always steals. That's what you're saying.Michael Vassar (27:44)Yeah, I'm saying that there's something about, homo economicus is a refinement in some sense of the folk psychology, the theory of mind, pre -secondary socialization. But it also contains this particular equivocation, I think, which is characteristic of the ways in which concepts get distorted.when they get sort of formalized and also brought into legitimacy in ways that make them part of how we justify things. Where I was going though is that basically, homo economicus describes 10 -year -olds. basically, homo economicus does not describe 40 -year -olds.Divia (28:27)Okay.Michael Vassar (28:42)secondary socialization thing that happens. like early psychology, like psychophysics and theories of perception was about refining the ego model, refining the details of the folk psychology. And then with psychoanalysis and pragmatism, you start to have what you might call shadow psychology, the investigation not of the details of the ego model.but of the unconscious, the investigation of the stuff that is just not predicted at all by the ego model, and which is in fact strongly anti -predicted by the ego model.Divia (29:17)Yeah, for sure there's a bunch of stuff. Yeah, there's a bunch of stuff that people have their self -model and then it's important for predicting what's gonna happen or really understanding it at all, these other bits that aren't included in their official selfMichael Vassar (29:31)Yeah, so these other bits are basicallyMore.So by the time you're like 10, the vibe -y stuff has been pretty thoroughly integrated with the homo economicus stuff, I would say. And then secondary socialization is largely about like...Divia (29:55)Okay.Michael Vassar (30:04)Breaking the ego, breaking the shared self model that you and I can both see when we are talking about a me and replacing it with a approximate model of a more generic ego made out of vibes and archetypes. So like whenDivia (30:18)Okay.Michael Vassar (30:33)We're 10, it's fairly easy to agree about commitments and it's natural and obvious. But by the time people are 30, they have any sort of class status. They are mostly not navigating life or maybe not entirely not navigating life through the use of the sort of self -model.that we learn to coordinate around with like, like, like there's the original ego that's built in the process of primary socialization. And then there is the, then there is, and like in a D and D game or whatever, the original ego would be like your character sheet, you know? And then there's like a secondary ego that is like aDivia (31:23)Yeah, okay.Michael Vassar (31:33)level of like manometer or something, like some sort of a fluid that you get from validation that like causes a higher fidelity or lower fidelity, shorter lasting or longer lasting, more forceful or less forceful stimulation of an ego by within a person whose ego has been basically destroyed.Divia (32:01)Yeah, interesting.Michael Vassar (32:04)And we call both of those egos, but they're like totally different types of things. Like when we say someone has a big ego, that necessarily refers to the latter thing. And the latter thing is kind of necessarily sinister, because it's a simulacra, and simulacra are necessarily sinister.Divia (32:20)Sure.Okay, I think, but I feel like this is, when you say it like this, I'm like, okay, then I think you're agreeing with me a lot. I'm like, my objection to treating the word ego is sinister is I'm like, no, but we need to be able to talk about the regular thing.Michael Vassar (32:41)We need to be able to talk about the regular thing, but other entities than us need us not to be able to talk about the regular thing.Divia (32:50)Yeah, no, this is why, okay, then I agree. This is my objection. I'm like, I think that's the original point of my tweet. I'm like, look, and I was also talking about status. like, that one I'm more like, it just almost seems simpler to just not ever use that word given how many problems it seems to cause. But I can't stop, yeah, but I can't stop using the word I, not really. And so.Michael Vassar (32:54)Okay.I agree, we should never use the word status. It's actually just aNow, the word I is great, it's just you have to recognize that people, when grownups say I, they are being ironic.Divia (33:29)This is related to your Twitter bio, right? Something about how, I don't know, I was just looking at it. You said your Twitter bio currently says the most ironic outcome is the most likely, reducing the irony is your job.Michael Vassar (33:41)Yeah. So, I...think that we need to be able to talk about two human natures. And there is a political conflict that is prior to other political conflicts about which of those two human natures is to be normalized. The human nature after secondary socialization or human nature before secondary but after primary socialization.Divia (34:00)Hmm.Yeah, neither. I don't, I guess my instinct or something about that is, neither, because the first one, I wanna keep a lot about the first one, but it's not up to navigating the actual world as an adult, which then seems, that's a problem.Michael Vassar (34:31)So, I mean, it is up to navigating the actual world as an adult, so long as you...Stay out of situations where you might possibly have class privilege.Divia (34:53)Maybe, I don't know, I'm not currently, I mean, I agree that that's sort of, insofar as we're talking about the same thing, the sort of more normal ego. Okay, fine, the thing I would call like the more normal ego, it seems capable of doing plenty, but there's a reason that people don't, I'm like, I don't know, class pr - I don't know, I'm skeptical.Michael Vassar (35:00)I'm sure we're talking about the same thing.So like if you are an Uber driver, if you are an Uber driver, you can navigate the world completely with normal ego. That's why it's fun to talk to Uber drivers and not fun to talk to PhDs. Right. And not PhDs, even though most people, when they were much younger, when they were 10, you would have rather talked to the PhD than to the Uber driver. But now that they're 30, you'd rather talk to the Uber driver than the PhD because they're navigating with a normal ego.Divia (35:22)I do talk to Uber drivers a lot.I don't know. don't know that I spend much time talking to PhDs, but if I do, I think they seem fine to talk to.Michael Vassar (35:50)OK, let's see MBAs if you prefer.Divia (35:52)I don't, maybe I just don't come across. I feel like almost everyone I've personally come across is pretty fun to talk to unless it's like I'm interacting with a bureaucracy and then they're really not.Michael Vassar (36:05)So.Divia (36:08)Okay, so sorry, let me go back. the, when you say the thing about...memory perspective and epistemology concepts are better and less susceptible to memetic imperfection. What do you mean by that?Michael Vassar (36:28)feel like if we have a idea of self that is coming partly from the vibe -y thing, you know, and that vibe -y thing, you know, there's a type of guy, there's a actual particular animal that is part of a self -image.But there's also a generalization about a cluster of Mimesis targets that is also part of the self image.Divia (37:06)cluster of mimesis targets. What does that mean?Michael Vassar (37:09)Like, there are other people who seem to be...to getting things that you do not seem to be getting and suggesting that you ought to emulate them and maybe ought to envy them. And those people are performing archetypes and they are granting recognition only insofar as one's are driven by that sort of performative imitation and notDivia (37:21)Yes.Okay. Yeah.Michael Vassar (37:46)and refusing to recognize, coordinating to not acknowledge behaviors that are driven from the individual set of memory traces and perspectives.Divia (38:06)I think one thing that I don't really understand, you seem to have a model of it.The thing that, and I keep struggling to describe it, even though you've just pointed at it, something about like some kind of life force or whatever. I don't really want to call it that, but some sort of motive power maybe that the social world is giving to people when they act in accordance with these types of expectations.Michael Vassar (38:36)I think I'd go in recognition. Maybe maybe maybe ego and ego.Divia (38:39)with the acts, okay, so they get some motive power from recognition.Michael Vassar (38:44)Yeah.Divia (38:46)Okay, so but how does that work? Like in a, mechanical a way as you can, I think I hesitate, I hesitate to call it validation because like it seems like there's a, cause again, I'm like, no, but I think there's a very normal thing that isn't what you're talking about that people get from validation.Michael Vassar (38:48)or validation, but recognition seems more than validation.Yeah, recognition seems more it.Divia (39:08)Okay, so I'll use recognition and you're saying people get, does it seem fair to say people get some sort of motive force from this recognition?Michael Vassar (39:16)Yes.Divia (39:17)Okay, how does that work in your model?Michael Vassar (39:20)It seems like...when peopleinteracting with secondarily socialized people.and communicating from their perspective, trying to communicate to a secondarily socialized person as an ego to another ego, the secondarily socialized person will stonewall. They will present blank, inane objections, not process, eyes glaze over. Yes.Divia (40:06)is like what Scott Aronson calls a blank face, right?which is I think people will know what that means in the context of a bureaucracy for sure. Like if you're going to the, I don't know, right?Michael Vassar (40:20)Well, people will know from experience, but they will actively and specifically mischaracterize. They will like very specifically claim that it means something else. And you see that in the comments of Scott Erickson's article on blank faces.Divia (40:35)What do they, don't know that I looked at the comments. What do you mean? What do they claim and what is it actually?Michael Vassar (40:38)So, everybody claimed that bureaucracies are mindlessly following rules when they are doing nothing of the sort. There are... yeah.Divia (40:46)because they're not actually following the rules. Like if you try to be like, no, but the rule says this, they won't be like, in that case I'll do it. Is that what you're talking about?Michael Vassar (40:53)Yeah, not at all. Right. They're just making s**t up. They're blank -facing. They're stone -bowling. are...Divia (40:59)We do mostly follow a bunch of the rules.Michael Vassar (41:02)They mostly, that's because, right, okay, so that's because they're a low status bureaucracy. If you go to the DMV or you pay your taxes, they will almost perfectly follow the procedure. If you go to the post office, they will almost perfectly follow the procedure.Divia (41:04)Like if I go to the DMV, it's annoying, but they are mostly following the procedure.And though I think it is true that if for some reason they're not and I try to complain about it and be like, but that's what the procedure says, that didn't usually get me anywhere.Michael Vassar (41:29)I'm not even sure that it wouldn't with the DMV. I'm not sure, but I think it would with taxes. usually, yeah. I, but if you are trying to get a license to put orange juice vending machines, like trust -based orange juice vending machines in the local park, you will.Divia (41:38)With Texas, that seems right, yeah.Michael Vassar (41:55)at some point get stone rolled by bureaucrats. And if you talk to like a very skillful bureaucrat about it, they're like, okay, you even suggested that they ought to do things because the rules say to do them. You spoke to, you wrote to them from a framework that assumes that their job is to implement a set of rules and that negates them.You're done after that. You have no hope. You're, you know, merely acknowledging, merely pinning down that rules exist will mean that you can't get a grant. you can't, like, there's a difference between, think about it as bureaucracies versus HR bureaucracies, like low -class bureaucracies versus HR bureaucracies.Divia (42:42)Okay, but I have very little, okay, I have no experience with things like trying to get a license to do business. I expect most people don't. So I would think the comments of Scott Aronson's thing are mostly people thinking of the bureaucracies that people, that almost everyone does deal with.Michael Vassar (42:58)you know, I think you have experience trying to get into elite universities. There you're dealing with bureaucracy and the bureaucracy will definitely not be impressed by your saying the rules say you should admit me, even if you could like prove it.Divia (43:06)Yeah, that's true.No, for sure. have to... But you know, I mean, did... And I'm sure it's all different now, but at the time I like bought books about it and I was like, what do they say to do? And I tried to do those things.Michael Vassar (43:29)Yeah, you're trying to do those things.Divia (43:33)Yeah, which is different. mean, it does seem like for most elite admissions procedures, there's a bunch of stuff that, I mean, you could maybe find it written down, but then it'll change once it is, at least somewhat.Michael Vassar (43:45)And even if it is written down, it just won't be adhered to, basically at all.Divia (43:53)No, no, I don't mean that the rules are written down. I mean, sometimes, like, I don't know, I read some, I read some How to Get into College book. It wasn't written by, it was like a former admissions officer that was like, they're periodically those. Correct, they're not rules.Michael Vassar (44:02)But that's not rules. I'm saying the elite world is full of things that just plain claim they have rules, like the FDA, and that in fact make a reasonable show of having rules, but it's absolutely awful show. When push comes to shove and actual decisions made, the causal chain that leads to decision is like never driven by the rules.Divia (44:26)Yeah, I don't, again, I'm like, just, think I don't have personal experience there. It's true, I have some personal experience with admissions. The FDA for sure seems like it's really messed up and very perverse. That seems easy to see.Michael Vassar (44:43)So the thing is the FDA seems like it has an incredibly well thought through, totally reasonable, non -perverse, gigantic bureaucratic machine that doesn't actually connect to reality, that doesn't actually ultimately get to determine whether a drug gets approved or not, but like creates a fairly thorough impression ofreasonable, rigorous investigation of the sort that you would actually want.Divia (45:16)Yeah, okay, so leaving that aside, let me go back to, you're saying that there's some sort of motive force that people get from recognition, post -secondary socialization. What's your model of how that works?Michael Vassar (45:27)So it.Divia (45:29)Like why can they then do stuff or whatever? Because then that is your claim, right?Michael Vassar (45:33)Yeah, it sounds like...It seems like...Roughly, the original ego construct is a construct for mutual recognition of territorial claims to a pretty high degree.Divia (46:00)you're talking about which type of ego construct, the first one or the second one.Michael Vassar (46:02)The original one, the first one, the primary socialization. The primary socialization creates an ego construct, which is about recognition of territorial claims to at least a significant degree. And then it's not entirely, not nearly entirely, but that's at least a big part of it.Divia (46:16)Okay, can basically, yeah, I'll take that.Yeah, I can see it.Michael Vassar (46:26)And like the secondary socialization one, ego construct, the secondary socialization dissolves the ego as a way of dissolving territory claims. And it also constructs novel temporary egos as a way of making territorial incursions. So likeWhen I think of anger versus outrage as the material for this, if your primary socialization ego is affronted, you feel anger and a desire to resolve and make things right. If you are forced to never resolve things in the more important parts of your life,Divia (47:02)Okay.Yeah.Michael Vassar (47:24)through efforts at resolution. Eventually your ego breaks down and with it motivation and you join in.Divia (47:34)Well, I think I'm like, how though? How does that, how is your model of that working? Like what breaks it down?Michael Vassar (47:41)So speculatively, you're familiar with the idea of predictive processing theory, first -gen free energy minimization.Divia (47:50)Predictive processing theory, yes. First in free energy minimization, sort of. keep trying to, I've read the Wikipedia page, Emmet Scherer on Twitter explained some stuff about it, so it was helpful, but I'm like, I think there's something that people keep talking about that I don't know what it is also. So, sort of.Michael Vassar (48:05)OK, so free energy minimization is very, very clearly not the driver of all behavior. But it is very clearly something that has to happen at some limit when you have no available free energy.Divia (48:17)Okay, can you explain to me slash anyone maybe who's listening what you mean by free energy minimization?Michael Vassar (48:22)So free energy is an analogy from energetic landscapes in chemistry and other parts of physics where you have like a metaphorical energetic, I don't know how to say it more directly than that, but it's an analogy from the types ofDivia (48:46)Can you give an example of like a social phenomenon that would seem natural to you to describe in terms of this analogy of free energy minimization?Michael Vassar (48:53)So stealing is the most natural one. So like when you are violating territorial boundaries, you have to keep track of the fact that you might get in trouble. And when you're surrounded by social threats,Divia (49:07)Okay, can you say that in a sentence that includes the term free energy minimization? That seems true, but I want to understand it better.Michael Vassar (49:17)Your attention is automatically drawn to territorial violations you might make. And your attention is automatically drawn to threats against you.And when you're surrounded by more threats than you can track with like consciously in the high resolution way that you learned to do from primary socialization, when that method of tracking threats no longer serves you.But when you find that as long as you are being moved by vibes, the threats don't manifest and people spontaneously organize to protect you from them. When you find that you can't make claims from anger, but you can violate territory from vibes and be supported.Divia (50:02)Okay, but what does...Okay, but what? Same request. Can you say that sentence with the term free energy in it?Michael Vassar (50:19)It, there's a lot of information that you have to be tracking and all of that information that you're tracking takes energy in a literal sense. You have to be like checking things. And when you don't have enough energy in the literal sense to check the things to get, you know, to outland territorial violations, you can't avoid transgressing. You can't avoid.Divia (50:25)Yeah.Michael Vassar (50:49)threats by not doing anything that would give peopleDivia (50:52)So what does that have to do with free energy minimization?Michael Vassar (50:57)in my model, relaxing into archetypal behaviors is easy. It doesn't bottleneck things on the hippocampus and the amygdala.And that makes it, it's relaxing. You hold, when you're angry, you hold it in your body. When you're outraged, you don't hold it in your body.Divia (51:24)For sure, yeah.I never thought about that. I don't know if that I agree with that or not, but I'll go with it. Okay.Michael Vassar (51:37)likeDivia (51:37)So you.Okay, so I still have this open question about what exactly people mean by free energy. But if I leave that aside, yes, it does seem, I think I understand your argument that there's something people start doing that involves more tracking effort on the individual level. And if instead, people can defer to the vibes and then it's more like outsourcing that, they don't have to do it themselves.It doesn't get them the same answer, but then they don't have to do it themselves and it gets them a similar result where nobody's bothered.Michael Vassar (52:16)And it gives them much better result, it gives them people helping them, which they weren't getting before.Divia (52:20)them. Okay.Michael Vassar (52:24)So rather, gets them secondarily socialized people helping them. Specifically, gets them secondarily socialized people protecting them from other people's eager claims.Divia (52:35)from other people's legitimate ego, including legitimate ones, you're saying.Michael Vassar (52:38)Yes, especially legitimate ones. It gets much more dedicated protection from legitimate than from illegitimate Euroclaims.Divia (52:48)Okay, and so then this is meant to be your answer for why do people get motive force from this type of recognition? And you're saying basically that they correctly predict that they will be able to easily do things if they are synced up this way and they correctly predict that insofar as they're trying to do the same class of things, they won't really be able to if they're not. And so then they're like, I don't have the energy to do it. Is that the claim?Michael Vassar (53:13)Yeah. Yeah. And when they get recognition, they are inspired, the villages term, it affects their breath, it affects their posture, to create a simulated, a local simulated ego that transgresses.Divia (53:16)Okay.Meaning, so what do you mean by that local stimulated ego?Michael Vassar (53:36)So the thing that AIs do, like chatbots, a local simulated ego. They don't have a persistent self. They don't have memories. They have like a context window, but they don't have a set of boundaries that is tracked in the same sort of way.Divia (53:38)Okay.Okay.And the reason that it appears in the form of a simulated ego is why to interface with people's real normal ego structures or what? Because you need...Michael Vassar (54:08)Yes, yes.The secondarily socialized people cannot produce enough resources to sustain themselves. have their album get extractive from primarily socialized people.Divia (54:30)You're saying because you need.Michael Vassar (54:30)Like secondary socialization is a pre -commitment to be confused about the nature of one's primary socialization.Divia (54:45)You're saying that in order to actually create value for real, you need to do a certain type of tracking of.closer to object level, like object level reality and less convoluted social reality. And you think that the secondarily socialized people can't do this. And so they couldn't be creating value.Michael Vassar (55:05)Yeah, you have... I mean, they can create some value, but they can't create enough value to maintain themselves fully. They need to be net extracting too.Divia (55:20)Okay, so let me go back to your tweet and see if I can understand it in light of what you just said. You said, self -concepts are load -bearing but suboptimal. And by self -concepts here, you mean secondarily socialized eco -structures or egos or whatever. You say memory, perspective, and epistemology concepts are better and less vulnerable to memetic infections. And by that, is what you mean.Michael Vassar (55:33)Yeah. Yeah.I'm trying to pin down the primary ego, but...Divia (55:44)Okay, all right, well, yeah, I think I agree with that. It certainly does seem better to me with the big caveat of like, okay, but people then do need to be able to interface with the world. Also, including secondarily socialized people, at least sometimes. Some people do.Michael Vassar (56:04)They do, they absolutely do.Divia (56:07)So the first thing seems close to strictly better except for... No, sorry. That's not even true either. It seems like overall, I'm like, yes, that seems better. And then people also need to be able to interface with that world, which seems to me like a... I don't know. When I look around, I'm like, it seems broadly, not exactly like an unsolved problem, but like people have their own special, this is kind of how I do it, kind of kludgy solutions to that insofar as they're trying to solve it, right?Michael Vassar (56:34)Yes. Like the primarily socialized thing is too self -protective. doesn't, like, if you want to have a nation, if you want to have people who are holding territory against other people, there's a free rider problem. You know, the primary socialization that produces value doesn't create enough commitment to fighting to like hold territory.Divia (56:41)What does that mean?Michael Vassar (57:03)against another nation or another group.Divia (57:10)Yeah, I mean, it does seem to be the big problem with, I don't know, I'm very sympathetic to the NCAP thing, but then it's like, okay, but then what about that there are these other countries and they're not gonna really let you do that? Is that what you're saying?Michael Vassar (57:22)YeahYou need people who are, from a primary socialization perspective, irrationally motivated to fight for specific things and not for other things in order to have enough people fighting on the same side to like...Divia (57:27)Okay.You want some sort of patriotism type thing you're saying and you can't do it with primary socialization, that's the claim.Michael Vassar (57:46)Yeah.You can do a lot more of it with primary socialization, but everyone will hate you. That's what Israel is doing. They're incredibly effective.Divia (58:07)Was your claim, wait, is your claim that people in Israel don't have secondary socialization? It seems like a bold claim.Michael Vassar (58:12)much much much much less.My claim is that that's what Judaism is. It's a minimum viable secondary socialization for preserving almost all of primary socialization while having enough secondary socialization for collective defense.but not necessarily for collective territorial defense, just for collective physical defense.Divia (58:34)Okay.not necessarily for collective territorial defense. What does that mean? Israel is still there. It's still on the map. It still exists. So it seems like empirically.Michael Vassar (58:46)Right, but likeIt, but it has a lot of difficulties in continuing to exist. hasn't existed for that long. It doesn't seem obvious that it can continue to exist for that long. It seems pretty likely that it can't continue to exist for that long and stay the same sort of culture that it is now.Divia (58:58)For sure.Yeah, I mean, it's also in a pretty...Like you think it might develop a different type of socialization in order to continue existing? More of it?Michael Vassar (59:17)Yeah, it would have to. It seems likely to have to.Divia (59:21)It's an interesting prediction. can you say more about how how do you expect it to play out with Israel?Michael Vassar (59:30)I am very uncertain. I think that...It will be very, very hard for Israel to be accorded the same types of rights to self -defense that all other nations are accorded. It has so far been very, hard for Israel to be accorded those sorts of rights of self -defense.Divia (59:56)By accorded, you mean in terms of like how other countries talk about Israel and how other countries treat Israel or... Yeah, I mean, this is the thing people say a lot. They'll be like, well, you look at like, people complain a lot about, they're killing too many civilians compared to combatants. And I think everybody agrees it's a cost, it's bad to kill civilians. But then people are like, okay, but look at like any sort of urban warfare, any sort of embedded enemy, any other nation doing the same thing, their ratios are not better, right? Does that sort of thing you mean?Michael Vassar (1:00:00)Yeah. Yes. Yeah.Yes.Divia (1:00:25)Okay.And you claim.Michael Vassar (1:00:29)And in every other conflict in the world, the conflict is less morally unambiguously one -sided. In any other conflict in the world, the people who are calling for their deaths very, very explicitly and recording it and bragging about it, don't get this sort of sympathy.Divia (1:00:51)Right, for sure. That seems true to me.that people are, I mean, there's some, I don't know, but there's some tendency, I think, for people to try to sympathize with the underdog no matter what that will apply to in other places too. But it does seem different in the case of Israel, for sure.Michael Vassar (1:01:13)I mean, even Israel being seen as not the underdog is weird.Divia (1:01:17)as not the underdog. Well, I but they do have, I agree, but they do have much better military for reasons that make sense, but I think that's why they're not, right? By the people who don't see them.Michael Vassar (1:01:27)Well, no, I don't think so, because Iran has a powerful military, Turkey has a powerful military.Divia (1:01:33)But I think people are less sympathetic to Iran than they are to Palestine.Michael Vassar (1:01:39)They are, but the war with Palestine is a proxy war with Iran and everyone knows it.Divia (1:01:46)I mean, everyone, that's one of those things, like you know it's V's post, right? Like, does everyone really know it? Kind of everyone knows it, but are the actual -Michael Vassar (1:01:53)Everyone's socialized, knows it. Nobody's secondarily socialized, knows it.Divia (1:01:59)Right. Which I think is many of the people with the loudest objections, right?Michael Vassar (1:02:01)That's the opposite of what everybody, no, but I'm saying that's what everybody, everybody knows normally. No, no, the everybody knows phrase means everybody secondarily socialized knows it.Divia (1:02:06)you're saying that's the meaning of the phrase.I see.Michael Vassar (1:02:15)I was using it in the, in inverted meaning. you know, it is actually common knowledge. If you take the situation and have like chat GPT three or 3 .5 to educate yourself. Yeah.Divia (1:02:16)Okay, got it, got it, got it, okay.Or I ask my Uber driver. No, like I do sometimes actually, not about this exact thing, but I have asked my, cause you know, had a bunch of Uber drivers that were in Afghanistan and they were all like, yeah, everybody knows these things are coming from, you know, Iran and these things. And I'm like, well, how do you know that? They're like, well, we see the trucks. I don't know. Like they seem to know it.Michael Vassar (1:02:48)Right.Right. So like that, or if you have a kid investigate for, for now we're on chat GPT, it'll be, you know, like, how is this a question? How is this confusion?Divia (1:03:04)Okay, I mean, but most people don't like it's just classic, like people, the classic result is you ask people who are chanting from river to sea, like which river and sea are you talking about? Can you identify any of this on a map? And they're like, no, can't, right?Michael Vassar (1:03:15)Sure, but they're secondarily socialized, that's the point. They're engaging in outrage display, not an anger display.And you can see that on their bodies in terms of the way they hold themselves.Divia (1:03:27)How do you identify it?Michael Vassar (1:03:30)So like their shoulders will be less crunched in. Their shoulders will be like more rolled back. Their posture will be more swaying side to side and less upright.Divia (1:03:41)Because you're saying it's a less energetically expensive thing because they sort of know that the social context has their back in a particular way? They're outsourcing that part of it?Michael Vassar (1:03:49)Yeah. Yeah.Divia (1:03:57)Alright, well, goodMichael Vassar (1:03:57)They're in a sense literally not keeping track of things on their fingers. There's less tension from their shoulders to their fingers, whereby things can be kept track of.Divia (1:04:06)interesting.Okay, well, ultimately, I don't know. I feel pretty satisfied about, think we, I now think that we no longer have much of a disagree, like about details of how the world is, especially in a bunch of parts. I'm like, I don't know about that. I think we don't have a major disagreement based on the tweets. Tons of, tons of interesting things we talked about, but I do want to respect your time. know you don't have it forever today. So I don't know. Is there anything else you want to hit before we?Michael Vassar (1:04:21)Yeah, agreed.Divia (1:04:38)Stop recording this.Michael Vassar (1:04:40)feel like this was pretty good, but let's talk again sometime. Alright, nice talking. Alright, bye, Devia.Divia (1:04:43)Okay, thanks so much. 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In this episode, Daniel Filan and I talk about Elliot Thornley’s LessWrong post There are no coherence theorems. Some other LessWrong posts we reference include:* A stylized dialogue on John Wentworth's claims about markets and optimization* Why Not SubagentsTranscript:Divia (00:03)I'm here today with Elliot Thornley, who goes by EJT on less wrong and Daniel Phylin and Elliot is currently a postdoc at the global priorities Institute working on this sort of AI stuff and also some global population work. And at the end we're going to be discussing the his post on less wrong. There are no coherence theorems, which he wrote as part of the.the case philosophy fellowship. And Daniel, you are currently doing ML, you're research manager at MATS, which is the ML alignment and theory scholars. And you also have your own AI risk research podcast. So welcome to the podcast, both of you guys.Elliott Thornley (00:56)All right, yeah, thanks.Daniel (00:56)Thanks, great to be here.Divia (00:58)Yeah, so I had read this post, There Are No Coherence Theorems. I missed it when it first came out and then someone linked it to me on Twitter recently and I was like, this is pretty interesting to me. It's very relevant to my interests and I also thought the discussion of it was pretty interesting. yeah, Elliot, would you mind summarizing for our audience what the post is and what it says?Elliott Thornley (01:22)Yeah, the sort of background context is I was reading about all this AI safety stuff, just getting into it and looking for places I felt like I could contribute. And in particular, I came across these coherence arguments. And coherence arguments are supposed to be ways in which we can predict the behavior of advanced artificial agents. you know, maybe we can't know exactly what they'll want, but maybe we can sort ofknow the form in which they're wanting will take, namely that they'll be expected utility maximizers. So this means that they'll at least choose as if they assigned a real valued utility and probability to each outcome and makes choices that maximize the expectation of utility. They'll maximize expected utility in this sense. Coherence arguments are arguments for thinking that advanced artificial agents are going to be expected utility maximizers.And the argument basically goes that if agents aren't representable as expected utility maximizers, if they don't behave in this kind of way, then they're going to be liable to pursue dominated strategies, which basically means like you present them with a series of choices or gambles or something like that. And they sort of plot away through this decision tree. They make this sequence of choices that leaves them with an outcome or lottery that they dis -prefer to some outcome or lottery that they.could have preferred instead. And this seems like a bad consequence. If that was going to happen, then maybe it would put some pressure on you as an agent to revise your preferences. And so the thought of these coherence arguments goes that agents that are not representable as expected utility maximizers will recognize this vulnerability and so be motivated to change their preferences to the extent necessary to make them invulnerable, which will in turn make themexpected utility maximizers. And the post that I wrote is pushing it back against these arguments. So in particular, the sort of canonical version of the argument, seems to me, appeals to these so -called coherence theorems, which I define in the posters, theorems which imply sort of the result, theorems which imply that unless an agent can be represented as an expected utility maximizer,then it's liable to pursue dominated strategies. And this seemed like kind of surprising to me. I'd sort of not heard of these coherence theorems before, like theorems that imply this particular thing before. So I went looking and I sort of read the theorems that had in various places been called coherence theorems. seems to be some like haziness or disagreement about exactly which theorems were supposed to be the coherence theorems. And I found that sort of none of the listed theorems had that particular implication.And so this was sort of my way of pushing back against these coherence arguments and thinking like, no, actually, no, this argument isn't a good reason to think that advanced artificial agents are going to be representable as expected utility maximizers.Divia (04:33)Yeah, thank you so much for the summary. And is it fair in like, is it a fair summary in like somewhat less technical terms to say that the reason people think that AIs will be expected utility maximizers is because otherwise they get Dutch booked? Or is that not a not a very good summary?Elliott Thornley (04:50)That's a pretty good summary. like Dutch books, people kind of use it in different ways. Sometimes people use it just to mean like a particular kind of exploitation or like pursuit of a dominated strategy. But yeah, that's pretty much it.Divia (05:05)And then thank you for that summary. Can you also say a little bit about what your impression was about the discussion? And I think most of it's on Les Wrong, maybe a little bit of his on the alignment forum and a little bit is on the EA forum. I think this was on all in all three places. Is that right?Elliott Thornley (05:18)Yeah, the comments sort of all over the place, basically. Yeah, so I'm trying to remember with the comments. I think the comments were a mixed bag. So part of it was in the post, I defined coherence theorems in this particular way. So I say that coherence theorems are theorems that imply that unless an agent can be represented as an expected utility maximizer, then they're liable to pursue dominated strategies. And I sort of took this to be theway that the term was used, at least based on my background reading. But some people said, no, that's not the way that I, like the people, use the term. They use them in some different way. And of course, if you use it in some different way, then it kind of seems silly to deny that there are no coherence theorems. if you use the term coherence theorems to refer to the von Neumann -Morgenstern theorem, like...looks like I'm denying the existence of the von Neumann -Morgenstern term, which would be a kind of a silly thing to do. So yeah, that kind of comment, I feel, wasn't so useful. I guess maybe I sort of invited this kind of comment with the title that I gave to the post. But the sort of the main point remains like despite that comment, which is like, this coherence argument doesn't work. You for the coherence argument to work, you need this claim thatunless an agent can be represented as an expected utility maximizer, then it's liable to pursue dominated strategies. My point is that there aren't any theorems which imply that claim and sort of that remains true no matter how you define the term coherence theorems. So I feel like those lines of comments weren't so productive. There were some more productive lines of comments. I don't know if you want me to talk about those or we should hold off for a moment.Divia (07:15)Yeah, I think if you could briefly say something about them and then I have a few questions about why this is important.Elliott Thornley (07:22)Yeah, good. So, there aren't any theorems which imply that unless an agent is representable as an expected utility maximizer, then they're liable to pursue dominated strategies. That's not to say that you can't argue for that claim. So, a theorem, as I understand it and as I use the term, it's kind of like an argument with no undischarged assumptions. You sort of don't have to rely on any premises to get the conclusion.Divia (07:38)MmElliott Thornley (07:51)But if you are happy to bring in some premises, then you can argue for the conclusion. You can say, unless an agent is representable as an expected utility maximizer, and if that agent satisfies x and y and z, then they're liable to pursue dominated strategies. it's like, expected useDivia (08:14)Which is the way the VNM theory that is actually formulated, right?Elliott Thornley (08:18)Not quite. So, Von Neumann's Morgenstern Theorem, and this is important, makes sort of no reference to money pumps or exploitation or Dutch booking or anything like that.Divia (08:20)Right? Okay.I thought it doesn't have premises about like independence and like that sort of thing.Elliott Thornley (08:35)Yeah, so it's purely a representation theorem. So there are four von Neumann -Morgenstern axioms, independence, continuity, completeness, and transitivity. And the theorem says that an agent is representable as an expected utility maximizer if and only if it satisfies the four axioms. And then I guess like, so you're like kind of right because often people go on to defendone or more of the axioms by means of like money pump arguments, sort of like motivating saying, you must satisfy independence, otherwise you're liable to pursue dominated strategies. So it's like money pump arguments plus the VNM theorem can sort of make a coherence theorem or a coherence argument. Yeah, but then my point in the post is like the money pump arguments part of that equation.Divia (09:07)ThankMmGot it.Elliott Thornley (09:32)rely on these premises that are sort of contentious in the normative case. And I think like very likely false in the descriptive case, the case that we're interested in, when we're talking about what artificial advanced artificial agents will be like.Divia (09:47)All right, thanks. And just to check, Daniel, did you read this post when it came out?Daniel (09:50)I think I got... So, okay, I'm going to be real. This post sort of triggered me. I read the title and I was like, I think I've seen some coherence theorems. And then I think the way you put it in the post is like, you know, a coherence argument, has to have like no substantive assumptions. Sorry, a coherence theorem has to have no substantive assumptions. And I'm like, well, that's not theorem. The way I read that, I was like, well, theorems always...or the form A implies B or whatever, you assume A and you get B, and that's what proves A implies B. And so then I gave up on your post, which I think it was wrong. So I think like, I did read it later. I actually have not. It's been a little, it's been some time since I've read it, I'm gonna be honest. But the, yeah, maybe to say a little bit more. I think like when I originally read,Divia (10:39)Yeah, it is.Daniel (10:48)something like the introduction or first few paragraphs of Eliot's post. Like I thought it was going to be something like, you have to have some minor assumptions in order to prove these like coherence arguments. You know, like you have to assume something like, you live in a world where like you have choices or whatever. And I was going to be like, well, okay, like whatever. I'm those are good assumptions to make. So it's fine to make those assumptions and they still deserve name coherence theorems.But I think the actual state of play is there are these von Neumann Mortgage Trader axioms, right? There are like these claims about what your preferences should be like. And the von Neumann Mortgage Trader theorem says that if your preferences are like that, then you're an expected utility maximizer. And the state of play is that if you assume like one of those von Neumann Mortgage Trader arguments, one of those axioms rather, then you can make these money pump arguments for the other axioms, right?If you have this axiom, then if you don't obey this axiom, you're to shoot yourself in the foot or whatever. But you actually can't get there from zero of the axioms about your preferences. And so basically like,Divia (12:00)And sorry, for people who can't see the video, Ellie, you're nodding, right? That seems about right to you. Okay.Elliott Thornley (12:03)Yeah, yeah,Daniel (12:06)Yeah, and so the thing that seems to be true that I did not realize for a while, even after Elliot wrote his post, that the actual, the arguments, the things you need to rely on to get expected utility maximization, or the things you need to rely on to say that if you're not an expected utility maximizer, then you shoot yourself in the foot, they're just like seed -affirmatively more substantive assumptions than you might have guessed just based on the zeitgeist or just based on the way peopleat least talked about these things one year ago. Yeah.Elliott Thornley (12:40)Yeah, I think that's great way to put it.Divia (12:42)Yeah, thanks. Okay, and now just to talk about another thing, we touched on this a little before we started recording, but Elliot, what was your motivation for writing the post? There's sort of, I think you say a bit about it in the post about why it seemed important, but can you lay that out for our listeners?Elliott Thornley (13:01)Yeah, yeah, so part of my motivation for writing the post was to sort of point out this thing that seemed like a mistake to me and a mistake about something important. Yeah, so in particular, coherence arguments appeared in this big Katya Grace post, I think it's called like counter arguments to the basic AI ex -risk case. And it sort of place in that post made me thinkDivia (13:27)Bye.Elliott Thornley (13:31)that people are taking coherence arguments as at least like a moderately important part of the basic case for existential risk from AI. And so it seemed important to point out this weakness as I perceived it in these coherence arguments. I say only a moderately important part because I take the point of coherence arguments to be that showing that advanced artificial agents are going to besort of goal -directed in a sort of concerted and concerning way. And there are other reasons to expect that besides coherence arguments. So in particular, you might think that like AI labs are in fact going to train agents to be goal -directed in some concerting way because they'll be more valuable or they'll be better able to solve problems or do things in the real world. So like only moderately important for those reasons I think coherence arguments are.But I think, as maybe we'll get into later, I think coherence arguments are very important for another reason, which is something like this. So, you know, we've got these alignment proposals, proposals for keeping agents aligned or shut downable or corrigible or something like that. Some of them, including my own, rely on being able to create an advanced artificial agent that's not representable as an expected utility maximizer. And if you sort of...bind coherence arguments, might think these kinds of alignment or shutdown ability proposals can't even get off the ground because as soon as your agent is sort of reflective enough to realize that it's vulnerable to pursuing all these dominated strategies, and in fact, you know, the claim is that it is vulnerable to pursuing all these dominated strategies, then it's sort of going to turn itself into an expected utility maximizer, and you're going to lose the property that kept it aligned or shutdownable. So it's like that second thing thatSee, it's the main importance of pushing back on these coherence arguments, which is like making space for these proposals that rely on agents not being expected utility maximizers.Divia (15:40)Cool, yeah, so I think, let me try to summarize something about why this matters as I understand it. So one thing is, and I'm actually, I did look into this a little. didn't find sort of, like Daniel, you were talking about the zeitgeist. Like I think that there's sort of an impression of, yeah, these coherence theorems, of course it'll have a utility function. Maybe more than people have actually really said that anywhere.precisely or maybe they have said it and I couldn't find it. So I'm a little bit confused about that point. But I think it's true that a lot of people, I think I had the impression like, yeah, at least people seem to think that it's gonna be some sort of expected utility maximizer. Yeah.Daniel (16:21)Yeah, I can maybe I say something about this. was like, so the reason that I sort of got, I don't know, developed more thoughts about this topic is that in the second half of last year, I, well, okay, first what happened is I read this comment on less wrong by someone who was complaining about like how people think that AIs are going to be expected utility maximizers. And I was like, guys, we've like proved, you know, there are proofs like in places and I'm just, I'm going to give a talk and I'm just going to like.Divia (16:45)Right.Daniel (16:49)collect all the proofs, I'm just going to make a really solid argument, and then that person will have to shut up from now on. And basically, yeah, I mean, I was under the impression that this would be really solid. And I still think you don't need that much, like the assumptions you need to get expected utility maximization.On the one hand, they're not huge, but you only get like, you get a surprisingly weak form of expected utility maximization. And like, in order for me to make the argument that I wanted to make properly, I ended up like basically hypothesizing that, you know, this agent is going to like, try and narrow, try and like ensure that the state of the world and the future is in some like small set, which might, which you might think is the kind of assumption that you wanted to like, prove instead of the kind of thing you wanted to prove instead of assume.But anyway, point being, I definitely assumed that the arguments here were better than they turned out to actually be.Divia (17:51)Yeah. Okay, so that's one thing. It seems like a bunch of people, regardless of what exactly anyone said, which I'm not sure about, a bunch of people assume that they're really solid, like, then we proved it with math type arguments for that the AI is going to be expected utility maximizer and that at least the three of us seem to agree, not true, right? And I read the comments and my impression from the comments is also like, think nobody has any real counter to that thing. And yeah, and this matters. I mean, I think it sort of matters for its own sake, part of what it means.I know if you, I certainly identify as a rationalist. think Daniel does, Elliot, I don't know if you do, but that we care about what's true just for its own sake. And yeah, in so far as it's something that people say as part of the AI risk argument, that matters. Though again, I think all three of us are here are like, okay, but we're not trying to say like, look, we disproved it, AI is not risky. Like I think we all think probably still is risky and.At least I will say the basic argument of like, you make something smarter than people and you have all these companies that are like, I'm going to try to connect it to the internet and have them do as powerful things as possible. I don't know. It seems kind of dangerous. I think that argument for sure is still, is still there. But then also what you're saying, Elliot is look, but if we are going to try to actually make proposals for making AI aligned and making AI safe and try to game out how this will work, then, then no, really does matter to try to pin down what we do and do not know.about AIs so that we can have proposals that, like we can evaluate which proposals seem promising or not. Is that, is that everything I said seemed right?Elliott Thornley (19:24)Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, so at least in so far as you mistakenly think that these coherence arguments are rock solid, you're sort of from the from the very outset ruling out this whole class of proposals, which might seem promising. And in fact, after writing this post, I sort of looked into incomplete preferences in more detail and thought that, yeah, proposal along these lines does seem promising. So in particular, like,You don't really need to get into the whole thing here, but one reason you might think that incomplete preferences are promising is an agent with incomplete preferences can just sort of be more chill than an expected utility maximizer. So in particular, can like lack a preference between many more pairs of options. And you might think that we want this in so far as we want our artificial agents to be more sort of like chill and lacking preferences.it's useful because like, if you lack a preference between A and B, very likely you're not going to like pay costs to shift probability mass between A and B. you know, two identical cans of, Coca -Cola, you lack a preference between them. And so you don't like, pay a dollar to get the right one with probability 0 .9 rather than like get the left one, the probability 0 .9. And so, you know, if we can create these agents withDaniel (20:23)Maybe.Elliott Thornley (20:51)incomplete preferences, we can create them such that there are sort of many more things such that they're unwilling to pay costs to shift probability mass between those things. And so sort of like, you get a sort of more chill artificial agent in this respect.Divia (21:07)And am I right that this, part about the agents with incomplete preferences and that motivation, that was not in the original post, right?Elliott Thornley (21:14)no, this is all like later thinking.Divia (21:17)Cool, all right. Yeah, because I do think some people, like maybe Daniel, what you're saying, saw it as more like, you're trying to nitpick and why does it even matter? Like, I think this is not a very virtuous way to, sorry Daniel, as far as I'm you, it doesn't seem like a totally virtuous way to read it. Like, well, why does it matter? Because the basic conclusion is probably right. And I think it's fine in the sense like everybody has limited time and.Daniel (21:31)Yeah.Divia (21:43)and whatever, but in terms of like actually responding to it substantively, I don't know, maybe this is just a little of my agenda. I'm like, yeah, often things matter for reasons that people hadn't even thought of at the time. And your thing about incomplete preferences seems like one of them, maybe.Elliott Thornley (21:58)Yeah, that's right. Although I do want to point out something that Daniel said earlier, which I think is also right, which is insofar as you're relying on these money pump arguments for the von Neumann -Morgenstern axioms and taking those two things together as like your coherence argument, it's important to note that at least the of the sort of most up -to -date, most sophisticated, weakest assumptions, money pump argumentsDivia (22:18)MmElliott Thornley (22:26)all get found in this book by Johan Gustafsson from 2022 called Money Pump Arguments with Daniel Hens. Yeah, and the way that book is structured, he presents the money pump argument for completeness first, and then uses completeness to create the money pump for transitivity, uses completeness and transitivity, create the money pump for independence, and then uses all three, I think, maybe, maybe just like one of them to create the money pump for continuity.Divia (22:30)Good. That was the book here. Nice.Elliott Thornley (22:55)And so in that respect, like the money pumps are kind of like a house of cards where if you don't have the completeness money pump, if you're not compelled by that one, then it's hard to like get the other money pumps going as well. And this might be another reason to think that these coherence arguments are important besides like making space for these alignment proposals that depend on non -expected utility maximizers.Divia (23:19)Also, are you familiar with Scott Garment's work, like his geometric rationality sequence?Elliott Thornley (23:25)No, I haven't read that unfortunately. It's on my list.Divia (23:26)Okay, well, we'll leave that aside. Maybe for a different day though, as like a footnote, I found his post where he gave an example for why he's not compelled by independence to be, it certainly stuck with me and I was like, yeah, okay. And so before I had engaged with what you wrote, when people were always like, okay, but what about V I was always like, well, I'm not persuaded on the independence point. But yeah, anyway, I'll leave that aside. Okay, so yeah.I think I'm hoping at this point for Danielle, you and Elliot to talk a little more about what in practice, what you do expect and why in terms of which in terms of the expected utility maximization stuff.Daniel (24:10)Yeah, it's a little bit hard for me to say this because if you take... There's this question, what does it mean to be an expected utility maximizer? Literally, what are we saying when we say that? And it means something like, for each state of the world or for each way things could be, there's some utility value attached to that. And for each thing you could do, you consider... Or there's some probabilities of...various outcomes, and you basically reliably pick the thing that maximizes the expected value of the utility. So the expected value being like sort of probability weighted average, right? I think there are various versions of this. Like, do you have to be like thinking about the probabilities in your head or whatever? I'm a bit less concerned about that. But like one thing about this is thatThe thing we're assigning utilities to is, I don't know, maybe something like states of the world or something like that. And if you're allowed to be like very, very fine grained about what counts as a state of the world, you can really just, like expected utility theory can be super expressive, right? Like if you're allowed to distinguish between tons and tons and tons of states of the world, then maybe like expected utility theory constrains you very little because you just have tons and tons and tons of utility functions that you can optimize the expectation of.So all of that is to say, like, what do I actually expect with maximizing expected utility? I'm like, I think...Divia (25:43)Wait, so I can summarize that in case people didn't Maybe there's some sense that people have before they really think about it that, if you have a utility function, then you must be sort of like an act utilitarian where you're, I don't know, trying to do the good for the greatest number or at least for yourself in some kind of pretty naive seeming way. And you're like, no, it really doesn't say that at all. You could, you could formalize almost anything this way.Daniel (25:46)Hmm, sure.Yeah, I think that's right. if you... Yeah, not quite everything.Divia (26:15)You could be like, assign super high. Yeah, but like I could assign super high utility to having this first and then that later for these reasons. And I could super low utility to having what seems like the same thing, but at a different time for different reasons. Like that type of thing.Daniel (26:22)Yeah.Yeah, think the one thing that it does rule out is you've expected utility theory, if you're justifying it by money pump arguments, it does say something like, for some notion of resources in the world, it does say something like you don't give up resources for literally nothing. So you don't choose to have just less rather than more, but with literally all else held equal. But like,What counts as all else held equal? Well, it sort of depends how strictly you want to model it. Yeah, or like, I don't know. You look at the phonon and mortgagetern axioms, like completeness, transitivity, independence, and continuity. And they're very, like they look really minimal. They look like they're not assuming all that much. And then if you read the phonon and mortgagetern theorem, you might get the sense that like,Divia (27:23)You say what they are, again, for people's benefit.Daniel (27:26)Yeah, so, yeah, let's go through them. So completeness says.Divia (27:31)And Elliot, I would say feel free to weigh in on these as you wish.Elliott Thornley (27:34)Okay.Daniel (27:35)Yeah. So let's start with completeness because it sounds like it's basically nothing, as I guess Elliot has written about, it's actually kind of non -trivial. So completeness says that for any two options, A and B, you either prefer A to B, or you prefer B to A, or you're indifferent between A and B, right? And so you might be thinking, wait, how is that even an assumption? Isn't that just like, isn't indifferentdoesn't indifferent just mean you don't prefer one to the other? Yeah, but it's not, but it's not because the way that you want to, or at least for the purpose of money pump arguments, guess, the way that you want to define indifferent is that if you're indifferent between like A and B and you make A slightly better, then you prefer A. Or if you make A slightly worse, then you prefer B.Divia (28:08)Right, so it seems almost like a tautology at first.Daniel (28:34)So here's an example of a way you could fail to satisfy completeness. Suppose you're asking yourself, should I become a doctor or should I become a monk? And you're like, man, I have really no idea. I just have no concrete idea of which one of those I should do. And then suppose I tell you, actually, when you were thinking about becoming a doctor versus becoming a monk,You're using slightly out of date numbers for doctor's salaries and the salaries of doctors are actually like 3 % higher than you realized.Divia (29:10)Or assuming you're like, okay, well then, so if I give you this dollar to become a monk, then you will, and you'd have to see this. Yeah. Right, which it does not, that's not really how people, like that's not really how human beings behave, right?Daniel (29:14)Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that would...that...Divia (29:28)I guess there's a question about that.Daniel (29:28)that's probably, yeah, there's some, it seems like it's not how human beings behave. So that's completeness. Transitivity says that if you prefer A to B and if you prefer B to C, then you also prefer A to C.Independence basically says that suppose you prefer A to B, right? Like if you could choose between A and B, pick A. Independence says suppose that you've got some probability of C and some probability of A. That's one option. Or you can get the same probability of C and some probability of B, right? maybe like, basically it says you prefer maybe C, maybe A.to maybe C, maybe B. So one example of this is like, suppose that you prefer eating pizza tonight than eating Thai tonight. And then like someone like basically says, hey, I'm do a coin flip, right? If the coin comes up heads, then you're definitely getting Mexican. If it comes up tails, then like maybe you're gonna get pizza and maybe you're gonna get a...Thai, whatever the other one I said was. Yeah. But like right now you've got to decide like what's going to happen if the coin comes up tails, right? And independence says that like, if you prefer pizza to Thai, then right now you've got to say that like, if the coin comes up tails, you want the pizza world rather than the Thai world. So that's independence.Divia (30:44)tired.Which through the record, I think this is often actually not true for sort of fairness reasons, given that agents I think are often best modeled as having something like internal conflict or like internally at least different preferences, which was basically the argument as I understand it that Scott Garibrand made in his post in the geometric rationality sequence.Daniel (31:25)Yeah, a lot of, you're not the only one to not, yeah, a lot of people don't like independence. I think it's actually pretty good, but people disagree about this. And then finally there's continuity. And continuity basically says that like small enough probabilities don't matter. So basically all these axioms are about like, you know, what you choose when your options are like having certain probabilities over just different outcomes, right? AndI forgot what continuity actually says, but it roughly says that like, if I prefer like this, you know, if I prefer this doing this thing, which has like some probabilities over various outcomes versus this other thing with some probabilities over various outcomes, there's some like tiny amount by which I can change the probabilities so that my preference remains the same. So if I'm like, I suppose someone offers me a gamble and I want to take that gamble over doing nothing.If somebody says like, the probabilities are actually 0 .001 % different than what I said, then I'm still happy to take the gamble.Elliott Thornley (32:32)Yeah, think the continuity in the VNM theorem is slightly different, or at least like it's expressed slightly differently. basically, it goes, if you prefer A to B to C, then there's some combination of A and C that you prefer to be, and some combination of A and C that you dis -prefer to be. So like, yeah.Divia (32:32)Thanks. Appreciate it.Daniel (32:41)okay.right.have the impression that those are like, that you could do one of those assumptions or the other, like there are a different versions of continuity that can get you the same results. Is an impression.Elliott Thornley (33:07)Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if they're equivalent, actually. yeah, at least in the Gustafsson book and in the V theorem, that's how it's expressed.Daniel (33:18)Anyway, so that's what those assumptions are, right? And, well, if you thought those assumptions were uncontroversial or something, you might think that like, the VNM theorem is like saying that if I, if I obey those assumptions, then there's actually a whole bunch of other things I have to do with my behavior or whatever to like, you know, to be consistent or whatever. But actually, like, as Elliot said earlier, the VNM theorem is a representation theorem. It says that like, if you satisfy those assumptions, thenthere's some utility function for which you're maximizing it. And so it's, in some sense, utility maximization is just as weak as those four assumptions. And those four assumptions, don't tell you that much. Anyway, all this is a tangent from what do I expect in terms of utility maximization. And I'm like, yeah, there's probably going to be some sense in which AIs are going to be utility maximizers, because I think, probably because I coherence arguments are kind of good.and partly they're persuasive to me. think that like the assumptions are stronger than one might think, but they're still like relatively, I think they're weak enough that I think they're basically right.Divia (34:20)Like they're persuasive, like they're...Daniel (34:35)Yeah, but I don't know. I'm sort of in the place where like, will AIs be expected utility maximizers? What do I expect with about that? I'm like, it feels like a weird question to ask to me.Elliott Thornley (34:49)Yeah, yeah, I think one thing that's worth emphasizing and that Daniel and Divya, you talked about earlier as well, which is like, if you sort of place no restriction on how you innovate, individually outcomes, no restriction on the objects of preference, that any behavior can be rationalized as expected utility maximization. So in particular, like the classic example ofDivia (35:13)Maybe there's some trivial sense in which I'm like, the exact thing I did is worth a lot and everything else in my utility fraction is worth zero. Is that one way you can do it?Elliott Thornley (35:24)Yeah, that's exactly right. So yeah, if you want to get some like non -trivial prediction out of coherence arguments, then you need to like place some restriction, at least probabilistic on like how you individuate outcomes. You've got to say like, no, this artificial agent doesn't just care about like the entire history of the universe and there's sort of no more structure to their preferences than this like ordering over histories of the universe. Actually they care aboutice cream flavors or slices of pizza or something like that. And they're indifferent between any two histories of the universe that are the same with respect to slices of pizza. And if you sort of make that restriction, then you can get some predictions out of coherence arguments. Because then you can sort of think, okay, well, you the agent is trading sausage pizza for pepperoni and then they're pepperoni for mushroom and then they're tradingmushroom for sausage, and they're sort of paying to choose in this cycle. And they're doing this dominated strategy. And so now they're going to like revise their preferences and remove the cycle and things like that.Divia (36:31)and then they get money pumped.Yeah, so can one of you describe like, do you think people, because again, there are these money pump arguments. So how far, or like, what do think the practical implications of the things people say about money pumping are? Or are there none? I think there's some, right?Daniel (36:57)mean, you utility theory is a really nice language. Like if you, if you give yourself utility functions and if you, if you're allowed to just say, yeah, my agent is going to be an expected utility maximizer and the utilities are going to be over states as defined in this way, then it becomes very, it becomes nicer to approve a variety of theorems. Right. So like, like utility functions, their functions over things, they're continuous. can like optimize things with respect to those functions. You can like vary the functions smoothly toDivia (37:01)MmDaniel (37:27)I don't know. I mean, one -up shot is just a very nice modeling language. In terms of actual substantive risk arguments from modeling things as expected utility optimizers, I'm honestly not aware. Maybe Elliot has some in mind. I guess there's things like shutdown ability under some assumptions ofYeah, maybe Elliot should go here.Divia (37:56)Okay, no, but there's something else that I'm trying to ask first, though I do want to get there that's like, okay, I, as a person, I definitely have some intuition of like, okay, yeah, I don't want to be that thing. Like it's sort of incoherent for me to be that thing that has those cyclical preferences about the pizza toppings because I don't want to lose all my money. And so there's some sort of intuition there that I think people tend to then expand. And I probably historically have sort of expanded it and I could try to speak to it, but I'm wondering like,Do you guys know what I'm talking about with this sort of expanded intuition? Like, no, but surely I've got to kind of be like this or else.Elliott Thornley (38:33)Yeah, this sounds right to me. In particular, think it was the Eliezer Yudkowski post that I read. think it's called Coherent Decisions Imply Consistent Utilities or something like that, where it does this kind of thing. You give the example of the person that fails to be an expected utility maximizer by having cyclic preferences. They prefer A to B, B to C, C to A. This is really sort of like theclassic money pump, the money pump that really works if any of them do, because then you can sort of say, all right, pay me $1 and I'll switch you from A to B, pay me $1 and I'll switch you from B to C, pay me $1 and switch you from C to A. Yeah, so I think that money pump kind of basically just works. There are some technicalities, but like, it's pretty convincing to me. And so I think you shouldn't have cyclic preferences. I think the error is in extrapolating from that to the whole likeexpected utility maximization, all the von Neumann, Morgenstern axioms. Because the money pump for completeness, I think in particular, is not nearly as convincing as the money pump for acyclicity, the one that says you shouldn't have cyclic preferences.Daniel (39:46)Yeah.Divia (39:46)Can you lay that out? what is, I don't think I actually know what the money pump is for completeness.Elliott Thornley (39:52)Yeah, okay, so I'll give the sort of non -forcing version first and then talk about the second one that Gustafsson talks about, which is supposed to be the forcing version. recall that completeness or having incomplete preferences is about having preferences that are like insensitive to some sweetening or souring, in particular, lacks of preference that are insensitive to some sweetening or souring.Divia (40:20)So like, I'm, yeah, I said, don't know if I want to be a doctor or a monk and then you offered to pay me a dollar to be a doctor. I'm like, yeah, I still don't know. Actually. I refuse to. Yeah.Elliott Thornley (40:28)Yeah, exactly. And the money pump for completeness, the non -forcing one that we'll talk about first, sort of uses this fact. So the first choice is between a doctor or monk, and you're stipulated to lack of preference. So you can choose monk at this point. And then at some later period of time, you know that you'll be offered the choice between sticking as a monk or switching to a slightly worse paid doctor than you were before, the one that you, the first choice that you had.And then if you have incomplete preferences and in particular you lack preferences between both careers as a doctor and the careers of monk, but you prefer to be a better paid doctor to a lower paid doctor, then it seems like you could be money pumped in this situation because what you could do is you could decide to choose monk at node one instead of higher paid doctor and then later change your mind and chooselower paid doctor at node two instead of sticking with the monk. And then you'd be money pumped in that case. And this is like.Divia (41:30)Okay.Well, is it like infinitely because people could keep doing this? I get it. From my perspective, money problems don't seem that compelling unless it's infinite.Elliott Thornley (41:44)Yeah, good. So this is one thing to consider, which is like, yeah, the money pump for completeness is less compelling than the one for acyclicity exactly for this reason, because you couldn't sort of extract infinite money out of someone. Or at least like from the bare fact that they have incomplete preferences, you couldn't extract infinite money out of them. If they had like extremely incomplete preferences, maybe you still could extract a lot.Divia (41:56)Okay.Sure, but if people are like, okay, we're gonna keep switching you from monk to even worse paid doctor, then I would think at a certain point, I'd be like, okay, well now that you're asking me to pay to become a doctor, like now I'm out. So you can't keep doing this, right?Elliott Thornley (42:20)Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, but okay, so the main way in which I think this money pump for completeness isn't particularly compelling is it relies on this premise that Johann Gustafsson calls decision tree separability. And decision tree separability basically says that you can ignore parts of the decision tree that are no longer accessible. So in particular, likeIf xNihilo you had the choice between monk and lower paid doctor, you'd lack a preference and so would maybe choose like each with some positive probability. And so since you'd do that thing xNihilo, you'll also do that thing if you previously turned down the option to be a better paid doctor.Divia (43:12)I see. But you're saying, no, you can just not do that. You can be like, well, I turned it down before, so I'm going to sort of stick with that.Elliott Thornley (43:19)Yeah, yeah. So this is the proposal for like, how you avoid this money pump for completeness is by denying decision tree separability. And actually, okay, so the sort of complication is that Gustafson is arguing about whether being representable as an expected utility maximizer is rationally required. Whereas in a, say again,Divia (43:40)What is it?What does that mean, if it's rationally required?Elliott Thornley (43:45)Yeah, it's kind of like, it's, we're getting into like normativity and stuff. It's like a requirement of rationality, you like prudentially ought to be a von Neumann Morgenstern accent.Divia (43:56)Just like, prudentially, I ought to not have cyclic preferences, we might say. Is it in that sort of sense? Like, is that sort of how you mean it?Elliott Thornley (44:00)Yeah, yeah, it's like, I'm gonna go now. I will say that again.Yeah, it's like arguments about what we prudentially ought to do or be. It's like rationality requires that you are.Divia (44:13)Okay. And so this is not like a mathematically rigorous thing. Or is it?Elliott Thornley (44:18)Well, it's kind of like, it's a way of interpreting this claim of decision tree separability, which might affect how compelling you find it. You know, we come into theorizing with some intuitions about what rationality requires. And maybe we think that rationality requires that we satisfy decision tree separability, that like, our decision shouldn't depend onparts of the decision tree that we can no longer access.Divia (44:49)which some people have an intuition about that or some sort of moral impression about that.Elliott Thornley (44:54)Yeah, I think that's basically what it comes down to. And my point that I make in the post is like, know, decision tree separability interpreted as a claim about rationality is somewhat contentious. But when we're thinking about how advanced artificial agents will in fact behave, we need this like analog of the premise, which is instead claims about how artificial agents will in fact behave, namely that they will in factDaniel (44:58)Yeah.Elliott Thornley (45:24)ignore parts of the decision tree to which they no longer have access and behave the same no matter what happened in the past. And this claim is very easy to doubt, right? So if you create an artificial agent that in fact modulates its behavior depending on what happened in the past, then you can falsify this claim. And so you could quite easily create this artificial agent that failed to satisfy decision tree separability and thereby avoid the money pump for completeness.Divia (45:34)Yeah.Elliott Thornley (45:54)yep.Daniel (45:55)Can I maybe use this as a jumping off point to say a slightly weird thing about this literature, which is that you might have thought that money pump arguments, or you might have thought that the way you should talk about for Norman rationality or whatever, is some theorem like, if you don't do this, then a bad thing will actually happen to you. And maybe you might think that the theorems would be something about what kinds of things agents actually do.And if you don't actually do this thing, then a bad thing will in fact happen to you. And like, I think some arguments are kind of like this. And then some arguments are basically talking about, you know, the object of von Neumann rationality is just like your preferences, which are just things inside your head about like how you rank various outcomes that might not even be things that you actually do. And then the theorems are like, well, if you, you know, if your preferences inside your head are arranged a certain way.then some preferences will depend on other things. But that's a crazy way for the inside of your head to be arranged. And that's like really bad. And, yeah, they'll use these words that send you to dictionary, like cognitive attitudes, which is a word for like cognitive, which I had to look up. means like relating to your desires, I believe. Yeah, so C -O -N.Divia (47:12)So, what attitudes?We'll work on that later.Hm. Can you spell that? Sorry. Yeah. cognitive. OK. Interesting.Daniel (47:22)A -T -I -V -E, if I recall correctly. Anyway, and so like, from my point of view, if I'm trying to think about AIs, I sort of want to think like, I want to say something like, if they aren't, or I don't know if I would like to say this, but the kind of theorem that I'm interested in hearing is if they don't actually do expected utility maximizing behavior, then a bad thing will happen to them and I'll be able to take all of their stuff and, you know.Divia (47:51)Right.Daniel (47:52)Whereas theorems that are like, if you, you know, that's like a bad way for the inside of your head to be, I'm sort of like, well, does a bad thing actually happen? And it's relevant because like, so the thing about bad things for the insides of your head to be, like, I'm saying that in a sort of dismissive way, but I think some people are tempted to cite these money pump arguments to say like, if my preferencesyou know, if like the preferences I have represented in the insides of my head are a certain way, I will realize that that's a bad way for them to be. And then I will choose to arrange them in a slightly different way. And statements like that are about like the insides of your head and what you'll be tempted to do. And so in those settings, you're almost tempted to take the versions of the theorems that say like, yeah, if the insides of your heads have to be like this, otherwise it's bad for some reason.But like, then you have to really make sure you believe the assumptions about like, hey, why would it be bad for some reason for the insides of your heads to be another way? Like, if you want to get a non -trivial assumption about like, if the insides of your head are one way, you will realize that it's bad and change them to be another way. Like, well, the bit where you realize that it's bad, like that's a non -trivial assumption about what the inside of your head is going to be. like, who knows?Divia (49:17)Yeah, I'm like, don't, in this moment, certainly, I don't feel very compelled by what, like, why would that be bad? Which I guess is what you're saying.Daniel (49:23)Yeah, well, it's the thing about the insights of your heads maybe being bad is just like a surprising amount of the literature is focused on this question. Surprising to me.Divia (49:35)And the bad is some sort of intuition that, for example, it's bad to have what you're going to choose now be affected by your memory of what you didn't choose before. That's an example of badness.Daniel (49:48)Maybe that kind of thing, maybe Elliot can go into this further. But yeah.Divia (49:52)Elliot's nodding. You think maybe it is?Elliott Thornley (49:54)Yeah, yeah. So Gustafsson, like, yeah, he gives these arguments and, you know, they're very inventive and I think like fairly compelling when we're interpreting them in terms of rational requirements, where like, the point is that when we're interpreting them as in terms of rational requirements, we can sort of appeal to intuitions aboutrationality and what you prudentially ought to do and then maybe to some extent these premises about like, badness in the head become more compelling. But in the context of coherence arguments, I totally agree that they kind of lose all force and it's kind of disappointing to realize that these arguments that seem like they're just relying on math alone are actually depending at root on premises likeartificial agents won't in fact modulate their behavior, depending on what happened in the past or like artificial agents will in fact be indifferent between B when they could have had a and B when they couldn't have had a or something like that. You really like need these things and it's kind of disappointing that you do.Divia (51:08)This is.Yeah, it's interesting. It's sort of, I don't know, thanks for talking this through because now it sort of reminds me a little bit, a lot actually of like, sort of how I used the word rationality before I encountered the rationalist community. But like colloquially people will be like, well it wouldn't be rational if whatever. Where like now that I've engaged so much with, I don't know, like, you know, I stick around the sequences, I hang out with rationalists for like.God, over a decade or whatever. And if anything now in those sort of colloquial situations where they're like, well, that wouldn't be rational, I'm always like, no, sure, sure, could be like almost anything could be. I feel like saying that you're going to be rational actually rules out a lot less than how people colloquially use it. what am I trying to say precisely? Like, I guess it's an analogy where in this case you're talking about the math, but with me and the rationality community, I'm more just talking about like,the way my vibes about it sort of converge over like listening to a lot of arguments and hanging out with a lot of people and stuff like that. Like maybe a classic example is that's really the same thing is I think when I was a kid, if someone would be like, it's sort of irrational to like turn down something out of like, you don't, because it has, because out of like spite or something. And then I thought about it more and I'm like, no.sorts of like that could totally make sense or like it wouldn't be rational to do something just because you didn't want other people to see that you've done that and now I'm like why not like that could be part of my goals too or I don't like things like that's I don't know if that resonates with anyone elseElliott Thornley (52:55)Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think part of it is when we talk about rationality, we're sometimes talking about this kind of purely instrumental rationality, where it's about sort of taking effective means to your ends. And sometimes we're talking about this more substantive conception where like, not only is it about taking effective means to your ends, it's partly about having the right ends. You know,Divia (53:08)MmAnd it's also partly about having the right ends, I think, in a way that's like legible to outside observers so that people can expect a certain sort of coordination that they think is normative. Is that, I don't know, that's the thing I think.Elliott Thornley (53:19)YouYeah, that sounds fairly compelling to me.Divia (53:33)Like I read, this is maybe a bit of an aside, but the thing that I think about all the time, Kevin Simmler has an essay called, Personhood, a game for two or more players or something, something that looks very similar to that title, where he talks about like what it means to be recognized as a person in society. And a lot of what that means is to do things for reasons. And it means, I mean, of course it's a little bit contextual and nebulous and all of that, but like, I think a lot of what that means is things that other people recognize as reasons.Like I've also spent a lot of time with children, because I have children and I've been doing that for them, especially young children. Often people are like, well, that's completely unreasonable. And I think what they mean is not that they don't have reasons, but that they don't have the sort of approved like, okay, if sort of adult persons have those sorts of reasons, then we can kind of expect society to be able to coordinate in these types of ways. Which is maybe a little bit of my soapbox, but I think it's relevant.Elliott Thornley (54:26)MmDaniel (54:30)relevant. Can I maybe like say something in defense of the people who are like, who are telling you what you have to want and stuff? So, so I mean, this sort of gets to, I don't know, I think this is closely related to arguments about what counts as expected utility theory or whatever. And it gets back to this question of like, well, how do you like how do you motivate these money pump arguments? And like, the way you motivate the money pump arguments broadly is there's a thing called money, and you can haveDivia (54:38)Yeah, yeah, go.Daniel (54:59)more of it or less of it. It's better to have more of it, right? And like, we actually do live. Okay, I'm about to say some things and they're like math adjacent, but like, don't know. I'm going to use mathy concepts, but like in a loose way. Okay. SoDivia (55:16)Defense from the potential accusation that you're trying to pretend like something math is, math when it's not, no, it's not real math. Cool. We got it.Daniel (55:19)Yeah. Yeah. And it's good for people to know that. we live in a universe, right? And the universe has like, there's this thing called free energy, right? Like if I haveDivia (55:33)Do you mean like in the first instance? I've just been trying to...Daniel (55:35)No, I mean in the physics -y, just like literal, like I can have a battery, right? And can put it in a machine and the machine will do a thing and the machine will heat up and then I like can't use that energy to do stuff anymore, right?Divia (55:48)Okay, true.Daniel (55:50)So like.Like, I don't know, the universe is made of objects and stuff that could be moved around. if you are in control, in control, in scare quotes, because what does that even mean? But if you're in control of more resources, more energy to actually go about doing stuff, you can change the state of the universe more. Similarly, I don't know, if you really believe in probabilities or something, you could imagine the kind of agentSo one of the assumptions in the von Neumann -Morgenstern theorem is continuity. We talked a bit about it before. And basically, what it comes down to is you don't care about super tiny probability worlds. And like,Divia (56:32)I'm compelled by this. Maybe I shouldn't be, but it seems intuitive to me.Daniel (56:35)Yeah, I mean, it's intuitive to me, but like, imagine somebody who says like, no, I actually just do care about like incredibly tiny probability worlds. care about like probability of things being greater than zero. Like if something has probability greater than zero, that's like a billion times better to me than having probability zero. On the one hand, like, what can you really say to that person? But on the other hand, like in the world that we're actually going to live in with very high probability, they're not going to get their way and you're going to get your way if you get into some conflict. Right. So like, like if you, if you buy thisDivia (57:00)Yeah, I'm compelled. Yeah.Daniel (57:05)picture of a world with just like physical constraints and like physical stuff that you can actually do if you're managing like free energy and if you're just like managing sort of the macro state of the world, not like the micro state of, you know, which atoms are exactly in what place.Divia (57:18)having some like one billionth of a percent of a probability that I get a lot of stuff. Yeah, okay.Daniel (57:23)Yeah, like, like, basically, there are certain types of preference structures, which mean that, like, in the actual physical world, you're not going to be reflected in it, you're not gonna like control that much of it, you're not gonna steer it. ones where you care about, like, are these two atoms swapped or not? Or the ones where you're like, it's rational for me to, to just delete all of my, like, like, suppose I have a hardDivia (57:33)But which ones? Which ones?Daniel (57:52)drive with some Bitcoin on it. And I'm like, okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to delete just the private key for that. I'm going to like make it impossible for me to spend that Bitcoin. And this is actually better than not doing that because even though I have less resources, my computer is a little bit hotter and I typed out some commands and like, therefore it's rational for me to do that thing. And you can't tell me that that's irrational. And I'm like, well,Divia (58:02)Yeah.Okay, I'm not gonna defend one.Daniel (58:20)Okay, I'm not saying you're gonna defend that one. I'm just likeDivia (58:22)I don't think that's a good defense of the people that were trying to, and I don't even, I'm not trying to blame individual people, but some vibes I got from society about what and was not rational for me to want as a kid. I think it wasn't that type of stuff. I think it wasn't me being like, let me just delete my private key to my Bitcoin. I basically agree. I think there's some sort of sense that I agree with where I'm like, that seems like a terrible idea for almost everyone topoint where it seemed kind of rational when the person's going to go, like, yes, they could have their special snowflake preferences if I just get so much utility from deleting my private key. But for the most part, and I can think of edge cases where someone might want to, like real ones that I have thought about, but I think it'sDaniel (59:00)Hmm. Yeah, I guess I'm like, I'm not exactly, I'm more doing something that's adjacent to defending the Divya bothers than like actually defending them. But like, I don't know, it feels relevant to me for understanding, like especially if we're trying to like form rigorous arguments about what AI's will do and people will be like, well, who used to say that this thing is irrational? Like, I do just want to say like, look, some preference, like some ways of behaving mean that you don't get reflected in the future very much.Divia (59:29)Yeah, I you can be like a causally relevant thing and some things mean you can't. Yeah, okay, I agree with that. No, okay, I think that's right. But no one's really formalized those ways necessarily that we know of.Daniel (59:33)Yeah, yeah. don't know. That's... Yeah.Elliott Thornley (59:37)Yeah.Daniel (59:44)I'm unaware of anyone doing that, maybe Elliot is.Elliott Thornley (59:47)Yeah, guess, yeah, so Daniel, what you say sounds right, but it's not so much a care adherence argument at that point is more like a selection argument or something like that.Daniel (59:58)Yeah, think, well, I think that like these money and pop arguments, you can like view them as coherence arguments or selection arguments. I feel kind of indifferent to which ones you use, but like, if you say like, the reason that traveling in cycles, like suppose I'm paying money to travel in a circle, is that like incoherent or is that selected against? Well, I'm sure it matters which one you say, but I'm sort of like...It doesn't matter that much to me right now.Divia (1:00:30)Okay, sorry, I think I wanna make one thing, which is I think, and people make arguments that at a certain point, it's sort of natural for the AI to become a single set. I'm not currently like totally persuasive. Like sometimes these scenes seem a little persuasive to me, it doesn't seem obvious to me that that's what's gonna happen. So if I set that aside, I think...Elliott Thornley (1:00:30)YeahDivia (1:00:58)So if I'm gonna fight with the like vibes I got from society when I was a kid about what rationality meant, I think actually there's a very natural set of strategies for an agent type thing to use in a situation where there are other agent type things that roughly look like, does it seem like some weird adversarial thing is going on? If so, do some stuff that might not otherwise be considered rational.for good reason, because it seems like if I do that, then I'm gonna, partly because I'm predictable and partly because whatever, somebody is gonna do some weird thing to me and so I should not. And yeah, I think a lot of the things people were like, well, that wouldn't be rational, were in fact for good social reasons. And I think that is legitimate analogy to some sort of impression about like, okay, but is this thing gonna get like infinitely money pumped or is this thing gonna get whatever? And I think that's distinct from like, are you just sort of,giving up all of your power to affect the universe in the future, which is like the deleting your private key thing. I don't know if I, obviously I feel very far from any ability to formalize any of this, but that's maybe where I would start is to try to separate out like, am I dealing with somebody trying to mess with me or am I doing some other activity that's like giving away all my power?Daniel (1:02:21)I've talked to -Divia (1:02:21)I know, Ellie, do you have thoughts on this latest round of back and forth?Elliott Thornley (1:02:28)Yeah, I don't know what you say sounds sounds compelling to me. I feel like I don't have much to add to that point.Daniel (1:02:36)Maybe it gets to this thing again of just like what counts as a thing that you might have preferences over, right? So like, if someone's allowed to expand, like, you know, the definition of what a thing is to include, like, it seems like someone is f*****g with me, and I can have different utilities for like this situation, but someone is trying to mess with me than this situation, but it's not true that someone is trying to mess with me, then it's like a lot easier to recover expected utility theory. That's question of like, is that even a legit move?Divia (1:02:42)MmI intuit that it is because it's so much of what human beings are be up to.Daniel (1:03:06)Well, there's a legit move of behaving differently in those situations. And there's a question of, it a legit move to say, no, that counts as expected utility maximizing. And therefore, expected utility maximizing is rational, because this thing that you're doing that is rational counts as expected utility maximizing.Divia (1:03:20)I see.Okay, there's a sentence, I probably should have it pulled up, but I don't. Daniel, I'm guessing you are, at least there's some document that Eliezer wrote about a cheerful price.Daniel (1:03:38)so I think, yes, I think someone else originally wrote a document about a happy price and Eliezer was like, no, it's going to be cheerful.Divia (1:03:44)Yeah, no, that's right. Yeah. Elliot, do you know this document?Elliott Thornley (1:03:48)Yeah, I think I read this.Divia (1:03:50)Okay, so there's something there where, and to me it gets at like the part of, like something that resonates with what you're saying, Daniel, about like, okay, but it is kind of irrational to elude your private key, where Eliezer says something, and maybe I'll get the exact quote in a minute, but first I'll say what I remember from it, which is, and look, if you're the sort of person where it feels terrible to exchange money just because that's sort of how you are, whatever, yes, I respect that footnote, but there is this thing where if you deeply understood the mathematical structure of the universe, then probably you wouldn't really beDaniel (1:04:23)II can scroll through, I don't know that quite off the top of my head.Divia (1:04:35)Okay, well, I think what I get from it is like, no, but if you really have thought about that resources are good for stuff and that money is a resource, that there may still be some like, ick factor of like, what does it mean to exchange money that is real and matters, but there will be this counter balancing thing that's like, okay, but something real is happening when we exchange money that really does.matter and in ways that can be used for good things. Where someone could maybe be like, but if we do that, then it'll hurt. Like if we exchange money, then maybe I won't feel as close to you. And the inner person who has really thought about this then asks themselves some question that's like, okay, but is there some way I could use money then to translate into us feeling closer together that isn't dumb?like maybe we spend it having some experience together or something like that. And like thinking about that sort of fungible, that some resources really are pretty fungible and trade -offs are a thing and there was never really an option of 0 % chance of that anyway. And like, I don't know, or the way that like people I think often can, and it interacts with sacred values and I'm not trying to dismiss that, but be pretty weird about people taking jobs, for example, that have like some.Because they'll be like, well, I wouldn't do that if it would maybe kill me and be really sensitive to framings of like, is there some upside of like not dying or, and then in practice, I look at like some chart of wages and employment and it'll be like, yeah, people seem to be willing to trade off some chance of dying at their job for some higher income. And so maybe that does make it, even though it's really fraught, a little less ridiculous to be like, and that's, we're going to pick these sorts of numbers to value people's lives.I don't know this is too much of a rant. There's something there that's resources are real and it's sort of related to like instrumental convergence is a thing and that that's sort of maybe it hasn't been formalized, but it matters for being an agent and acting in ways that make sense.Daniel (1:06:23)I agree with the rants.Maybe it sort of connects to this question of proposed ways of acting that don't count as expected utility maximization, but involve not throwing away all your money. And to what extent are there such ways and how do we feel about them? I guess I broadly agree, but.Maybe one thing to say is like, expected utility, like when people are looking at expected utility theory, they're, typically looking at a very, like, like a very sort of bare bones set of options and like, you know, you have A, B and C and like B is like A, but you got paid five cents and like, like, like, like these sorts of considerations of like, but, like, you can use the five cents to do something else, like tend not to come up or yeah, I don't know.Maybe Elliot has more here.Divia (1:07:33)I found the quote. It's interesting. I actually didn't realize Eliezer was going to use the word coherence theorems in the quote. I'm going to read it. The question, but okay, but as you admit, some people, even most people would rather not put financial prices on things at all and their friendships, they'd rather just do things for favors without a blah, blah, blah. He says, I was speaking mostly tongue in cheek, but in fact, there are coherence theorems saying that you either have to have consistent quantitative trade -offs between the things you want or your strategies can be rearranged to get you strictly more of everything you want.I think that truly understanding these theorems is not compatible with being horrified at the prospect of pricing one thing in terms of another thing. I think there is a true bit of mathematical enlightenment you get and see into the structure of choice -making, and then you are less horrified by the thought of pricing things in money.And so I read that and I'm like, okay, maybe, I don't know about these coherence theorems, but I think he's right about a thing that is true that I predict exists and makes the people less horrified about it.Elliott Thornley (1:08:30)Yeah, I don't know. think it's complicated. I think insofar as your squeamishness about money is forcing you to have acyclic preferences, then if you think carefully about that, you'll probably want to change those preferences in some way and so resolve the acyclicity. There's another kind of coherency thing that Eliezer talks about in either this post or another one, which is about like,putting inconsistent prices on things. And I agree that the consequence of that is getting at most as much of something as you want and strictly less of something else than you want. And so that's a reason like not to put inconsistent prices on things. But I think again, it's sort of like extrapolating too far from these cases where the coherence -ish arguments work to cases where they don't in fact work from likeacyclicity and inconsistent prices to all the other von Neumann -Morgenstern axioms and full -blown expected utility maximization.Divia (1:09:38)Okay, so and you're saying you would put inconsistent prices in sort of roughly the same category as having those cyclical preferences as like, yeah, you probably if you notice that normatively, you kind of think people should change them.Elliott Thornley (1:09:52)Yeah, I think so. Exactly. Because, yeah, the distribution you in fact get is going to be dominated by some other available distribution. And in fact, Carl Schulman and I make an argument like this in this Global Catastrophes paper that we published a couple years ago, where it's like, you know, the US government is willing to pay $10 million to save a life in expectation when it comes to road traffic regulations. And so they should also be willing topay that much in expectation to prevent people from dying in global catastrophes. Exactly because if you pay $10 million to save someone on the road, but don't pay $5 million to save someone from dying of a global catastrophe, there's some other distribution of money spent such that you pay no more and save more people or save the same number of people and pay less.Divia (1:10:50)And a global, and when you say global catastrophe, you mean like something that affects everyone. You're not necessarily, because I'm like, I think there's some argument that the US government wants to pay more to protect citizens, but you're like, no, no, these are, these are US citizens in both cases that you're comparing.Elliott Thornley (1:11:03)yeah, US citizens both cases.Divia (1:11:06)Cool. Okay. All right. So I do want to segue a little into, Elliot, so your proposals for alignment, can you lay out both about them in general and about what, like the, what you, how you think this, this agent could work and not be doing the stuff that really people shouldn't do, but not be obeying all those axioms and therefore you could shut them off or something. Can you explain how that would go?Elliott Thornley (1:11:36)Yeah, so I call it the incomplete preferences proposal and incomplete preferences is really the key thing. in a nutshell, the idea is you train your agent to lack a preference between every pair of different length trajectories, where different length trajectories are sort of like, you can think of them as different length lives of the agent. So, you know, if in one possible life, the agent lives 10 minutes and another possible life, they live 20 minutes, then they lack a preference between.Daniel (1:11:47)youElliott Thornley (1:12:06)those two.Divia (1:12:06)assuming there aren't any other major differences between these things or even if there are.Elliott Thornley (1:12:12)yeah, no matter what. you know, if it's 10 minutes versus 20 minutes, the agent lacks a preference no matter what. And the reason why... yeah.Divia (1:12:20)So even it, and this, I should maybe just let you go with that. This is a maybe surprising thing. So like the one where it is on for 10 minutes and then it's off versus the one where it's on for 11 minutes and gets all of its wildest dreams fulfilled and then gets shut off a minute later, it's supposed to lack of preference.Elliott Thornley (1:12:38)Yeah, that's right. And I agree it is surprising, but okay. So the idea is that if you train this agent that lacks a preference between every pair of different length trajectories, then it's never going to like pay costs to shift probability mass between different trajectory lengths, different possible lengths of life. And this is sort of exactly the thing that you want to keep the agent shut downable to ensure that it never resists shut down. It's sort of never going to be willing to pay any kind of cost to resist shut down.won't spend some seconds thinking about it, won't spend some jewels trying to make it Yeah.Divia (1:13:12)This is so.And you think it would be tractable to train an agent that way and it wouldn't create any sort of situation where it kind of notices that and it's like, no, that's incoherent so I better not. You think it could work and it would not be flagged as incoherent by the agent.Elliott Thornley (1:13:31)Yeah, so this is the hope at least. So, you know, I pushed back on these coherence arguments to think that incomplete preferences can be reflectively coherent. You know, this agent could have these incomplete references and think, I'm okay, I'm not going to pursue a dominated strategy exactly because I violate this decision tree separability axiom that we talked about earlier. And I can like make choices that prevent me from pursuing dominated strategies, even though my preferences are incomplete.Divia (1:14:02)Okay, and then, but now I'm trying to compare that to, I don't know what I'm thinking of Daniel's proposal for like, okay, but there's some intuitive sense that you should want to be like a powerful type agent.Elliott Thornley (1:14:15)MmDaniel (1:14:15)Yeah.Divia (1:14:16)something. I seem to violate that one, right?Elliott Thornley (1:14:20)Well, yeah, I don't know. It's kind of an open question. think.Yeah, so the agent sort of lacks a preference between every pair of different length trajectories. If you think about like powerful humans are often going to have incomplete preferences and that seems to indicate at least to some extent that incomplete preferences don't preclude this power seeking. Yeah.Daniel (1:14:48)Can I give you my concern about this proposal and you can respond. So if I sort of anthropomorphize this, right? This sounds like me being like totally indifferent about how long my life is, right? And like a short life that's like really bad or something. I'm indifferent between that and a long life that's like really awesome. And I take control of every continent or something. And my worry about that is...Elliott Thornley (1:14:53)There we go.Daniel (1:15:18)Okay, firstly, that sounds crazy to me, which maybe this is something I've got to get over. But like, that's, that's just my intuitive reaction. If I'm like, why, what's bad about that? Well, one problem is,Like there might be threats to the agent's longevity that aren't just like humans shutting it down. For instance, there are threats like, you know, there's just like some random problem and you know, the, there's an interruption to the power supply to its data center or like, you know, some, like we're in a world with like a few AIs and there's this nasty AI trying to shut off our nice AI and the nice AI doesn't like try to stop it or whatever. And I'm like,Well, if your agent is vulnerable to those things, that seems like it would be bad because it can't do as much good stuff that you wanted out of an agent. So I don't know. That's my first pass concern. I'm wondering, what do think of that?Elliott Thornley (1:16:18)Yeah, yeah, on that concern, I think, you you train your agent to lack a preference between different length trajectories, where importantly, like different length trajectories are trajectories in which like the shutdown button is pressed after different lengths of time, say, and the shutdown button never being pressed is just one more possible trajectory length. And if those are your agent's preferences, then the agent could still prefer not to be like incapacitated in some way.not mediated by the shutdown button, because it's like, you know, the agent has a choice between either being destroyed by the evil AI or not being destroyed by the evil AI. And suppose that the shutdown button is never going to get pressed. And no matter what, those are like same length trajectories in the relevant sense. If the good AI gets more of what it wants in the trajectory where it doesn't. yeah.Divia (1:17:12)So I don't think I follow that. You're not saying, one thing that you could have been saying is that it only sort of counts if the human presses the shutoff button for the thing you're talking about. But I don't think that's what you're saying. And then I don't understand it.Elliott Thornley (1:17:28)Yeah, so you want your different length trajectories, like you want your length of trajectory to be decided in a particular way. So maybe like one possible implementation is you have like some physical button somewhere that transmits some signal that tells the AI it's time to shut down or something like that. And it's sort of the time at which that signal is transmitted that theAI.Divia (1:17:58)people couldn't then the evil AI just be like, okay, my new plan is to press that button. And so now it can't stop me.Elliott Thornley (1:18:04)Yeah, so this is good. This is exactly right. But I feel like this is a problem not to be solved by some clever shutdown ability proposal, but to be solved in like the usual way that we solve things. It's like my shutdown button, now I've got to protect it from the evil AI.Divia (1:18:19)Go.it and put it in a very safe location and that's the plan for that or something like that.Elliott Thornley (1:18:30)Yeah.Daniel (1:18:30)So when you say my shutdown button, I've got to protect it from the evil AI, is the first person voice there? Is that supposed to be like what the human designer of the AI system is thinking, or is that supposed to be what the AI is thinking?Elliott Thornley (1:18:43)yeah, sorry, human designer. So the...Daniel (1:18:46)Okay.Divia (1:18:47)I mean, the human's allowed to ask the AI, how do I protect the shutdown button, presumably.Elliott Thornley (1:18:52)Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah.Daniel (1:18:54)Yes, although I worry that in your proposal, the AI is going to be indifferent between telling the truth to the human and telling a lie. if the AI tells the truth to a human about how to protect the shutdown button, then probably that will mean that the shutdown button will be pressed at a different time than it would otherwise.Divia (1:19:05)No, but...It changes the expected value of the trajectory and therefore it doesn't can't even have its usual preference for truth in that scenario. Yeah, I see.Daniel (1:19:25)If I understand correctly, but I might not.Elliott Thornley (1:19:28)Yeah, so Daniel, you're right. the AI doesn't have a reason to tell the truth purely from like wanting to extend its life. So it's going to depend on the AI's preferences between staying on the truth.Divia (1:19:40)But it affirmatively doesn't have a preference about anything it could do that would affect its potential lifespan, right?Elliott Thornley (1:19:48)well, okay. So we've just talked about the AI's lack of preference so far. It lacks a preference between every pair of different length trajectories. The agent can have preferences between same length trajectories. And this is the key thing that incomplete preferences let you do. You you can have an agent that lacks a preference between every pair of different length trajectories that has preferences between same length trajectories. And it could well be that, you you train your AI to prefer to tell you the truth in every same length trajectory. And thatDaniel (1:20:17)You're right.Elliott Thornley (1:20:18)United States and the world truth.Divia (1:20:18)But this is dumb. I think I'm still missing something. I'm like, isn't it kind of true that literally everything the AI does will affect the probability of it will affect its expected trajectory?Elliott Thornley (1:20:32)Yeah, I think that's right. So in particular, so we've been talking about preference relation between trajectories, which are like getting particular outcomes for certain. In deployment, the agent is going to always be choosing between lotteries plausibly. There's going to be some uncertainty about the consequences of each action. And what the incomplete preferences sort of lead on to naturally is this principle that I call time step dominance.Divia (1:20:34)then how do I, sorry.MmElliott Thornley (1:21:01)And time step dominance basically says when the agent is choosing between lotteries, the agent is not going to be willing to pay costs to shift probability mass between different trajectory lengths. And this is the key.Divia (1:21:14)Can you give a more concrete example of what that means to shift probability mass between trajectory lengths?Elliott Thornley (1:21:20)Yeah, your classic example or like very simple example is by default, the agent is with 90 % probability going to get shut down at time step one and 10 % probability going to get shut down at time step two. And, you know, suppose it cares about paper clips and no matter what, it's going to get five paper clips conditional on shut down at each time step. What it can do isspend one paperclip to shift the probability mass such that now there's only a 10 % chance it gets shut down at time step one and 90 % chance it gets shut down at time step two. In each case, it gets like four paperclips now conditional on each trajectory length. So this would be an example of like paying costs to shift probability mass between different trajectory lengths.Divia (1:22:10)Okay, got it.Daniel (1:22:12)Can I see if I understand the case where I ask the AI how to protect the shutdown button? So maybe the thing that's going on is something like the AI just like for any given lifetime it could have until the shutdown button is pressed, the AI has a preference to tell me the truth rather than lie to me. Let's just say that it has that. Then when I ask you the question, how do I protect the shutdown button, it will likebasically tell me the truth. Like that does change the it's expected lifespan, but like, you know, there's some probability that like, you know, there's some probability that I, it tells me the answer and I like failed to protect it. And it like gets shut down exactly the same time as it would have been. and if that happens, then, it prefers to have told me the truth and I've gotten shut down early rather than to have lied to me and have gotten shut down early. and so, so if, telling me the truth, we're like,super reliable and like definitely changing which times it would get shut down, then it might be indifferent. But because there's like some overlap in the probabilities, then it's going to want to tell me the truth. Is that, do I understand that correctly?Elliott Thornley (1:23:24)Yeah, that's exactly right. yeah, we're like hoping that in deployment, the agent is choosing between lotteries. And we're hoping that exactly because if the agent is choosing between different length trajectories, it's going to always lack a preference. Whereas in cases like the one you outlined, we want the agent to prefer telling the truth. And we expect the agent to tell the truth exactly because it sort of looks better conditional on each trajectory length. You know, if it gets shut down at time step one,It's glad that it told the truth. If it gets shut down at time step two, it's glad that it told the truth and so on. Or like that's too anthropomorph -fisey. Prefer that it told the truth. Yeah.Divia (1:24:06)Okay, so I appreciate you talking about the proposal. I think given that we don't have a ton more time, I wanna talk a little bit about, and I can't tell if I'm mostly the one interested in this, but sort of like the sociological situation with the coherence theorems, which maybe we did a little bit before, but I think I wanna circle back to it. And maybe, I don't know, maybe Elliot, if we could start with you, like what is, I don't know, you wrote this, I don't know how much you have engaged on Less Wrong before you wrote this post. Is it?Do you like to read your frequent reader? Do you post other things?Elliott Thornley (1:24:36)Again, no, not very much. think this was my first post. Maybe I'd posted like one or two comments before, I've, yeah, fair bit. And I've been spinning.Divia (1:24:43)And had you been reading much?Okay, so you're a regular Less Wrong reader, but this was maybe your first post. Like, I don't know, what was your impression after posting it of like sort of the state of Less Wrong's ability to have a decent discussion of epistemic rationality on Less Wrong of like sort of epistemic health of the AI safety space, etc.Elliott Thornley (1:25:09)Yeah, I haven't thought too much about this, but in general, I hold less wrong and pretty high esteem. think a lot of the posts are interesting. A lot of smart people saying interesting and convincing things. lot of the comment sections and discussion seems very good. In the comment section of the Coherence Theorem's post, I think I'm partly at fault because it was like a provocative title andI define coherence theorems in a particular way, and I think people didn't like that definition, and so a lot of discussion centered around that definition, which... yeah.Divia (1:25:47)It reminds me a lot, Sarah Constantine, ages ago, wrote a post on her personal blog called EA Has a Lying Problem, which I think she put, I don't know, but it's been a long time since I've revisited. I think it also has the quality of like generated a lot of interesting discussion. I think she made some substantive points. I think naturally a lot of the focus was on the title.Elliott Thornley (1:25:57)MmMm -hmm. yeah. Yeah, I guess the title is the only thing that you can guarantee everyone is right, I think, and that's part of it.Divia (1:26:11)where people are like, that's not what lying means. Anyway, yeah.Right.Daniel (1:26:20)Yeah, although I do think, I mean, to come to your defense a little bit, I do think that one of the types of things that less wrong, I think is supposed to be good at is just handling stipulative definitions. Like if someone's like, hey, I want to use a word in this particular way in this case. And it's like within the range of things that people sometimes mean by this word or whatever, I'm like,I do think that's the sort of thing that you're supposed to be okay with. Or, I don't know, you might be bit annoyed if it's in the title and people might get a misimpression from the title, I actually think, I don't know, I would hope that we could handle at least this particular instance of a stipulative definition, because I think it's fine enough for its context. Yeah.Elliott Thornley (1:27:11)Yeah, yeah. And I should say also that I didn't expect this. Like I genuinely thought this was the less wrong definition from my like various readings of less wrong posts and things like that. And I think it's worth saying as well that like, in the decision theory literature, no such thing as a coherence theorem, like it's not a not a phrase that it comes up. So it's like a really doesn't look to be like a less wrong coining. And so I thought thatDaniel (1:27:37)Right.Elliott Thornley (1:27:41)If I just read it, I'll figure out the definition and use the right definition.Divia (1:27:41)What an eyeYeah, and I wasn't actually, I thought of that thing from cheerful price without thinking it would have, it have used the phrase coherence there, but then it did. I'm like, yeah, that does seem to be an example of Eliezer using it sort of kind of like how I think you were assuming people used it.Elliott Thornley (1:28:01)Yeah, maybe. don't know. sort of in preparation for this podcast, I went back and read the post and yeah, since maybe I'm not as confident as I once was that this was the definition. I still think like on balance, a lot of posts use it in this way, but like I'm, it's sort of more up in the air than.Divia (1:28:22)Yeah, this is sort of why I think I tried to add some weasel words also, because I'm like, maybe that's not what anyone really meant. But I think it's what a lot of people read. I think it's what I thought that he meant, reading it. And I think it's not just me. Because I think, Daniel, you were saying the same thing of like, were like, yeah, isn't that stuff like all proved and whatever? I think that was my point too. And I think I guess it's the majority. don't know. I'm always wrong when I say things like that. I think a significant chunk of less wrong users also had the impression when people said things like,Daniel (1:28:39)Yeah. Er -Divia (1:28:50)coherence theorem, they'll be like, yeah, it's like, prove that you like basically have to be that way or else something terrible happens, like you lose all your money.Daniel (1:28:57)I think maybe there's something a bit slightly more subtle here where there really are... So, I don't know, proofs generally involve, okay, if you assume, like, I'm going to assume these premises and I'm going to get this conclusion, right? And the question is, I think less wrong types are maybe more happy than they perhaps should be to accept, like, yeah, p implies q when actually p and also some additional assumption, p prime or...whatever, which like one may or may not accept. Like, if I make some assumptions and like, feel like one is like basically solid to get Q, I might like just mentally forget the other assumption. And then there's this question of like, just how solid are your other assumptions, right? Because even with like the money pump arguments in the money pump arguments book or whatever, like those have this assumption that like, you know, you can just take a state of the world and just make it definitely better or definitely worse, right? And that's like a substantive assumption. And ifIf money pump arguments were proved just up to like, have to assume the existence of money or whatever, then I'd be like, come on. Don't like, don't nitpick about that. If money pump arguments were proved up to, you have to assume one, like you're a pretty controversial claim or whatever, then that does matter. so, or it almost reminds me of like the way physicists reason. So, so like, I studied physics in undergrad to some degree, and I also studied math in undergrad to some degree and like,physicists and mathematicians have a bit of a disagreement about just how rigorous you're supposed to be. Physicists are just very loose with, yeah, every function is twice differentiable and everything, every operation you kind of want to do that works in nice cases, we're just going to say that it works and mathematicians are not like this. And to me, feels a little bit similar except.Also, with you drop the thing of you remember exactly which assumptions you needed.Divia (1:30:57)that you're saying basically the sort of less wrong style about talking about AI stuff is more like the physics level of, but you think physicists do a better job of being like, if you ask them, they'll be like, yeah, yeah, we remember what we were assuming.Daniel (1:31:03)It's more like the physics level, yeah.or it'll be in a textbook somewhere that they can look up. And also like physics, a cool thing about physics as a discipline is it's like more successful than Less Wrong as a forum, as much as I love Less Wrong. Sorry.Divia (1:31:22)I mean, it's very empirical, right? Not very. It's a lot more empirical than like, less wrong theorizing.Daniel (1:31:28)Yeah, yeah, like, I think they they've got more, I don't know, somehow there's a longer intellectual tradition of like people being careful and knowing like which things you can skimp on or not. I don't know, that's the analogy that feels that comes to my mind.Divia (1:31:43)this year. Yeah, that there's like a real sort of history that you can trust about good heuristics for when to be rigorous and when not to be and that you don't necessarily have that same trust in like less wrong culture sense of where you need to be rigorous.Daniel (1:31:58)Yeah, or I have a bit less Tress. Honestly, I still like Lesserong.Divia (1:32:02)That makes sense to The amount you would have in physics would be quite high. So yeah, I don't know.Daniel (1:32:06)Yeah.Yeah, no, no, it should be significantly less stressed, actually. I mean, I don't want to say that I totally distrust the last wrong thing. like, I don't know, often.Like, yeah, how do I think about money pump arguments? I still think like the case where you violate one of the VNM axioms, you can't just violate one. You have to like violate a couple, I think. So if you violate completeness.Divia (1:32:38)Wait, sorry, Elliot, is that, I thought you said if you just violated completeness, then those are like a house of cards. You don't get any ofElliott Thornley (1:32:45)yeah, that's right, but I don't know if Daniel if that was what you were saying.Divia (1:32:48)Maybe you're saying.Daniel (1:32:48)yeah, yeah. What I'm saying is that you can't just get rid of one without getting rid of the others, right? It's a case where if you violate completeness, you can't still get the other three. also have to have like, you have to also violate independence. And I guess a lot of people don't mind violating independence, but.Divia (1:32:56)We'll see.Elliott Thornley (1:33:14)wait, so agents could satisfy just, transitivity, independence, and continuity.Daniel (1:33:20)They can?Elliott Thornley (1:33:21)Yeah, yeah, yeah.Daniel (1:33:24)I really thought they couldn't. Hang on, I thought I had a proof of this, but maybe I'm wrong.Elliott Thornley (1:33:31)yeah, I don't think so. So in particular, there are these representation theorems for agents that just violate completeness. And it's like these multi expected utility representations.Daniel (1:33:46)interesting. Okay, maybe that's another thing that I'm wrong about. Okay. Huh.Elliott Thornley (1:33:55)Yeah, if so one thing to think is like, if completeness implied independence or vice versa, then you'd only need like three VNM axioms rather than four.Daniel (1:34:04)sorry, I mean independence, sorry. I mean like if you have three of them, then you can use a money pump argument to get the fourth is what I meant. Sorry, that.Elliott Thornley (1:34:14)Okay, yeah, yeah, that's right. But the order is important. So from completeness, can get transitivity, but you can't like, from transitivity, independence and continuity get completeness, I don't think.Daniel (1:34:19)yeah.I have seen an argument that purports to do that.Divia (1:34:30)even with a money box.Elliott Thornley (1:34:32)Okay, interesting. I'd be interested to check that out.Daniel (1:34:35)can send you the... Actually, it doesn't purport to do that. It just purports to show completeness. But like, if you actually think about it, it assumes independence. Which is fun. This is, so roughly the argument. So, so this is on Less Wrong. It's by John Wentworth, David Larell. And I can send you, it is called, why, maybe it's called, it's called Why Not Subagents by Wentworth and Larell.Elliott Thornley (1:34:42)Okay, nice. What's the argument?Daniel (1:35:05)And basically the rough argument is, suppose that you have no preference between A and B, but you prefer like A to C and, or it's like you have no preference, but you have some preferences the other way. like roughly the, yeah, you have no preference between A and C, but you prefer A to B and you prefer B to C. And you imagine that you're going to,be in a world where sometimes you're going to have to choose between A and C, sometimes you're going to have to choose between A and B, sometimes you're going have to choose between B and C. If you don't have a preference between A and C, then you might accidentally choose A like... You might end up picking one over the other and that might end up getting you like B rather than A when you prefer A or the other way around. I forget exactly which one it is. But roughly the argument is if you just decide to add a...If you randomly decide to add a preference between A and C either way, instead of being indifferent between them, then you decrease the probability that you like do multi -step trade downs. But because you're like randomly adding it, in order for the argument, like the argument says something like,Divia (1:36:20)Sorry, can I read a maybe relevant sentence? Okay, or two sentences actually. So it seems like part of what's going on is that...Daniel (1:36:24)Yeah, sure.Divia (1:36:34)Wentworth, I assume, was saying that, you could have a market of subagents, utility maximizing traders, it's inexploitable, but incomplete. And Nate was like, no, they would use contracts that agents with incomplete preferences will tend to pre -commit slash self -modify in ways which complete their preferences.Daniel (1:36:53)Yeah, that's what they're trying to demonstrate. Yeah.Divia (1:36:57)Yeah, okay.Elliott Thornley (1:36:58)Yeah, so I read this post, I have a comment underneath it where I tried to diagnose where the disagreement is. And I think it's been a while, but they assume that their agent is choosing with this like myopic veto rule.Divia (1:37:10)yeah, I see your comment now.Yep, that's what you said. According to which the agent turns down a trade if the offered option is ranked lower than its current option according to one or more of the agent's utility function would lead to pursue dominated strategies in single sweetening money pumps. But the My Epic B2 rule isn't the only possible rule for decision making with incomplete preferences.Daniel (1:37:15)yeah.Right.Elliott Thornley (1:37:34)Yeah, so I tried to push back on.Divia (1:37:36)Don't make a sequence of trades if there's another available sequence such that, So anyways, I continue to be very interested in this. However, I think this is really running up and get like past the time where we said we were probably gonna keep going. So I would say, let's do any final words, call this for now. And if we wanna reconvade or anything like that, or continue this argument elsewhere on the internet, that sounds awesome to me.Daniel (1:37:47)Right, right.Elliott Thornley (1:38:01)yeah, yeah, sounds good to me. Yeah.Divia (1:38:03)Okay. Yeah, Daniel, any closing statements from you?Daniel (1:38:06)closing statements. I think that maybe one thing to say is that like, it's actually like just, I don't know, if you have some time just like digging into like what these money pump arguments are and like what the arguments for expected utility maximization are. It's like, I actually found it kind of just an interesting exercise to be like, okay, what are the arguments for this and like, which things that I believe actually rely on this. And I ended up thinking that expected utility maximizationI still kind of like it as a model. I'm kind of unconvinced by proposed alternatives, but it's sort of, I don't know, just the notion of expected utility maximization. I feel like it sort of dissolves for me in a kind of interesting way. So I don't know, it's interesting to actually just think about how you might motivate these and what you can actually prove.Divia (1:39:02)All right, Elliot, any final thoughts?Elliott Thornley (1:39:05)Yeah, I feel like I don't have much more to say than what we said. I agree with Daniel that it's a very interesting area. I encourage people to have a look at the Money Pump Arguments book and have a think about this kind of thing. I think it's especially interesting to think about the arguments in the context of advanced artificial agents and what we expect from them, as opposed to the context in which Johann is writing where it's about likerational requirements. And I feel like there's a lot of work to be done on thinking about what gets more compelling and what gets less compelling when you sort of do this mental shift in context.Daniel (1:39:46)I agree with that. One final thing I want to add, we're referring to this book called Money Pump Arguments by the guy, Johan Gustafsson. The listener might be like, I'm not going to read a book. Like this book is a total of 81 pages before the ends. And it's like, there's a PDF of it online. It's like, as books go, it's like pretty short and readable. So, well, it's pretty short.Divia (1:40:02)Nice.Cool. All right, I appreciate the plug. I'm gonna try to link things in the show notes, but ultimately I can't promise to do that. But thanks everyone for coming. I really appreciate it. I definitely think I learned a bunch of things and I hope some of our listeners did too.Elliott Thornley (1:40:08)Yeah, yeah.All right, yeah, thanks for having me.Daniel (1:40:24)Great chatting. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mutualunderstanding.substack.com

You can find JC Cassis at jccassis.com, and can check out her own podcast, Risk.We cover a bunch of topics, including friendship in adulthood, what we owe each other, and a little about parenting.Divia (00:01.721)Hey, so I'm here today with my friend, JC. And I like to say that we went to school together and if people are like, like you mean like what? And I'm like, no, all the school we went to school together, starting in kindergarten through senior year of high school. And then we also went to college together. Yeah, it's yeah. Though, as we sometimes say, you were in the other class in kindergarten. really more like 16.JC (00:02.589)Hey.JC (00:20.116)17 years of nonstop togetherness.JC (00:27.356)Right, so it's, right. And then you were in a different dorm at Harvard and, you know, different friend group and all that. you know, yeah, yeah. It certainly wasn't, it wasn't overkill and it also wasn't nothing, you know?Divia (00:33.216)But we did hang out!Divia (00:38.83)Yeah, totally. And, you know, and we've kept in touch since then. I, you know, I wish I talked to you more ultimately, but, but I would say like at least, I don't know, like at least most years I think we check in. She seems like a.JC (00:45.106)Yeah, me too.JC (00:51.836)Yeah, and I think we totally could more and we probably just should do that. I don't think you're hard to reach at all, but I think it's just living in different cities and all that kind of stuff.Divia (00:57.377)Yeah, yeah that seems right.Divia (01:03.659)Yeah, totally. And, and JC also has a podcast. Do want to tell people a little about that?JC (01:07.252)Sure, yeah, so for the last 13 and a half years, which I cannot believe how long it's been, I've been working on the podcast called Risk, which is where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. No.Divia (01:17.857)Nice. Yeah. And so we were just texting the other day and I'm still sort of like restarting up with this podcast. Everybody took a pretty long break and trying to figure out what I'm doing. But one thing I know I want is just to like actually have conversations with people. And so I was like, yeah, let's, let's get on and, catch up and talk about stuff. I don't know, share our different perspectives. So JC, welcome to the podcast.JC (01:39.72)Yeah, I'm excited to be here. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I think it's funny. You know, it's funny, I was talking to my brother the other day and he was saying that he remembered having a conversation with you when we were kids and you came over to my house and he was like, why are you friends with her about me? And you were like very diplomatic, classic Divya, you know, like he did his great impression of you. I forget exactly what the wording was, but it was just something like, you know, well, you know, I think we have good chemistry and I like to talk to her and we have a nice time together. So like, I'm friends with her, you know? And he was just like.I just thought that was hilarious.Divia (02:09.017)Yeah, siblings, siblings are really, I don't know, it's funny with sibling relationships. I hope your brother's doing well.JC (02:17.51)Yeah. Yeah, he is, you know, and he fondly remembers you, you know, so that's nice. But he could not believe that you have five kids. His head almost exploded when I said that. So I know I told him that. Yes, you have not wavered on this. I told him I was like, well, her dream was always three kids and then she had three kids and she wanted two more. So like she's doing what makes her happy. Like, you know, it's never it's never wavered, you know, but his head exploded.Divia (02:22.573)Yeah, it's mutual, totally.Divia (02:30.751)but I always wanted a bunch of kids. I feel like this has been consistent,Divia (02:45.229)You know, actually, so a little bit of it, you say that, I think that's almost right. I definitely said three kids, but this is, and I think we're gonna come back to this topic more than once, but like what I thought was normal growing up in New York, going to like a private girl's school with you like we did, and then what, you know, later I got older and I saw some more things. so I just, it sort of didn't occur to me, I think that anyone could have more than three kids.JC (03:08.928)that's hilarious.Divia (03:09.997)Because like, who did we really, I'm like, I don't know. I feel like I barely knew anyone who did. I was like, three kids is a big family. There was one Christian homeschool group at the music school I went to that had five kids, but I think that was maybe it for what I knew, which seems, I don't know, it seems sort of weird to reflect on that. And, okay, so then here's the other part of that.JC (03:15.751)Yeah.Divia (03:30.169)The next next week, assuming you know nothing goes wrong and I get everything recorded promptly etc. The podcast guest will be Michael Vassar whom I believe I introduced you to at one point. Yeah and I think you guys talked about like the New York City Council and stuff.JC (03:40.039)Who that is? Some Russian, this guy?JC (03:46.46)God, my God. Talk about why are you friends with her? my God, I thought he hated me with that conversation. And then you were like, he loved you. And I'm like, perhaps he could have made that a little bit more like apparent.Divia (03:48.801)Yeah, yeah, so, I didn't...Divia (03:54.698)No, no, no, yeah, not at all.Divia (03:59.789)me.So yeah, my recollection of that was I was like, no, he thought you were smart. He just was expecting you to push back. He sort of doesn't know how to like communicate if the person isn't pushing back and like asking for details and like arguing with him more. And you were like, well, yeah, it's true. I didn't do that. so anyway, no, he, I talked to him at a certain point and I'm going to get into this when he comes out of the podcast, I think at least a little, or at least mention it, but like, it was some conversation with him where I was like, yeah, I guess I could, I guess I could have even more kids if I wanted to.JC (04:15.198)How funny! That's hilarious.JC (04:33.005)after three, not after five, right? Yeah.Divia (04:33.177)And so then I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, after three. And I was like, maybe I could have five kids. And that was before I had any kids, but I was like, maybe I could have five kids actually. Cause I'm like, I was sort of like, have like a book at the time I was probably like, I don't know, 25 or something. And I was like calculating and like, I haven't met someone yet, but if I do, and then how many years? And so anyway, that was kind of where I got that one into my head and probably no, well, just if it had been super easy, I might've had even more, but it wasn't.JC (04:39.494)Wow.JC (04:52.558)Wow, that's funny. Yeah, it's funny. It's like, go ahead.Divia (05:00.417)So I really did want kids, but it is a lot of work, so that's why we're done now.JC (05:00.596)Right, right, Yeah, it's kind of crazy to think about like, you know, whatever the 1890s were like tons of people were having like 12 kids, 15 kids, 17 kids. And it kind of makes you wonder like, if it's so much harder now, I guess it's that we're doing a lot older and it's also much more expensive and whatever, but it's like, what the hell were they doing that we're not doing? Where it's like, my God, one pregnancy almost killed me, you know, like.Divia (05:17.879)I don't...Divia (05:22.903)So, so my contrarian take on this is I think it was harder for them. I think they had kids anyway. I don't think it was because it was easier.JC (05:33.14)But like just the idea, I don't know, it's like I wonder if the kind of, I don't know, it's not like fertility or just like baby delivering ability of women is the same today as it was then in terms of like, could the same per capita number of women have 12 children today as they could back then? And I suppose if they all started at 16, sure, but nobody wants to do that and nobody should.Divia (05:45.785)Right.Divia (05:50.562)Yeah, maybe.Divia (05:55.981)Yeah, I think that's some of it. And obviously, like, people did have... I think infertility is a lot more common now. I think it's one of those many, like, people have theories, but like lot of modern health problems, people are like, I don't know, like, modern health problems. Maybe. Right. Something like that. Totally.JC (06:05.948)Yeah. Yeah. Microplastics and chemicals and poison food and depression and, you know, all these terrible things we're dealing with. Yeah. Yeah. It's like we have more freedom, but we're less happy. And back then it's like, I don't think people were necessarily more happy back then, but it's like, you just had to do what you had to do. And you weren't thinking like, but I want to be a lawyer. It's like, I mean, some, some women were, but I feel like most women were like, this is my fate. It sucks, but it is what it is. I don't have another option, you know?Divia (06:27.767)Right, right.Divia (06:36.033)Yeah, this guy that I some, I think it's David Chapman. He talks about like the choiceless mode where like now, I don't know, we sort of, did modernism, we did postmodernism. And so they're obviously like trad people or whatever, but it's never really the same when you know that like, you could just go live in modern society and have a choice if you want. Like maybe for the Amish or something where you're like, I guess I could, but I was raised this, like everyone I know is ever whatever. But for like most people that were raised in like aJC (06:41.949)Mmm.JC (06:54.792)MmDivia (07:02.861)basically modern context. There's there's no going back. You know you have choices.JC (07:06.694)Right, right. Well, I like choices. I'm glad we have them for sure, you know.Divia (07:09.783)No, but yeah, absolutely. But people, so yeah, I also am very pro -choice in the broad sense of the word, but I do hear people like on Twitter and stuff and like complaining pretty often, like they wish they had less choices, which I don't personally identify with, but I think that's out there as like a political take.JC (07:27.316)Yeah, I mean, that's something I struggle with constantly is like, there's a million things I want to do, and there's not enough time to do even two or three of them. And it's very frustrating to like have constant ambitions of like 12 million things and be like, well, it's not going to happen. And then also, like, I talk about ideas all the time. And I feel like people get exasperated with me because they're like, this is the 50th idea I've heard from you over the last two years, and you've been talking about it forever. What are you just going to do it? And I'm like, maybe it's not about that.Maybe it's just like, I'm constantly thinking of things and as time changes, I think of a new thing or as I learn more about the thing, then I'm like, okay, I'm not doing that anymore, but maybe I could do this. but it's like, in the meantime, my days are jam packed with stuff to do. And I don't know, I'm trying to figure out like, how do I find peace and be like, yes, I'm just going to have ideas all the time, but unless I decide to push other things aside to execute this one idea or be like, I'll do this one idea for one month and then I will stop and do a different idea.just make peace with the fact that like, it's just gonna be a fire hose of ideas and like an absolute trickle of execution, you know?Divia (08:29.985)Yeah, I mean, I certainly relate to that. I think most people do, right? Yeah.JC (08:32.466)Yeah, I think that's like the human conditions. Like, yeah, but that's why it's funny to me when people are like, you've been talking about this for so long, when are you gonna do it? And I'm like, you've been talking about plenty of things for so long. We all talk about things for a long time. Like go f**k yourself, you know?Divia (08:40.153)Right?Yeah, no, and I certainly, I think also like, this is sort of a, it's like a pretty basic answer, but like, I think one of the reasons that we get along is I think we both like talking about stuff, like we find that energizing. Probably also why we both have podcasts, like, and then, yeah.JC (08:57.46)Right.Right. I mean, can I ask you, because one thing that drives me completely insane is feeling like I'm the only extrovert I know, but would you identify as an extrovert or like, okay, yeah, then I think that's a big f*****g point of like commonality between us, you know, like, do you find like you're you're surrounded by introverts and misanthropists or misanthropes or whatever the word is?Divia (09:09.965)Yeah, totally. Yeah.Yeah.Divia (09:20.043)Well, yeah, no, some of that, but all like, and it's a little bit weird because I do consider myself an extrovert, but then this is some of the thing about having kids is I get to the end of the day or even in the middle of the day. And I'm like, I need nobody to talk to me for like five minutes in a row because I, you know, I think some of my kids are extroverts too, which I think is great. Or at least they want to talk to me. I think at least one of them is definitely an extrovert. And I think that's great. But like IJC (09:34.8)MmDivia (09:48.439)because I do think there's something, certainly for me. So a weird thing that I've done, I'm not currently doing it very much, but I, there's this Facebook group for people who want to post like, I'll pay somebody to do this. And so it's just like among rationalists basically. it's, no, it's all over the map. Like last night I logged on and some guys like, I'll pay you a hundred dollars an hour if you help me with this programming thing right now.JC (10:04.302)What are the things they're asking for then? Not screwing in a light bulb but...Divia (10:15.257)But then other people will be like, like I once posted and I was like, I'll pay $5 to someone who makes a gift with the subtitle of this one thing from planet unicorn. Cause I couldn't figure out how to do it. And sure enough, someone was like, yeah, I'll do it. Cause that took me like two seconds. So like, why not make $5? But, but something I posted was because sometimes I like, if you ever noticed, like I'll get stuck on something and then once I talk it through, then I'm not stuck. It's a common human experience. So I was like, okay.JC (10:16.195)I need to learn programming.JC (10:25.758)That's cute.That's cute. Nice.JC (10:41.512)Mm -hmm.Divia (10:43.417)I'll pay either $50 an hour or we'll do like an in -kind trade one hour per one hour for somebody to just listen to me talk about whatever it is I'm on about. And I don't normally do it and I ultimately like, I don't know, I feel a little weird about it, but then sometimes I do it. But it was extremely helpful whatever I did it.JC (10:51.758)Mm -hmm.JC (11:00.276)Mm -hmm. That's something that's another f*****g idea I have that I've never acted on and I may never act on and you got to make peace with it everybody in the world is is is offering hey I will listen to people for whatever 50 bucks an hour if you just need somebody to be present and listen I will do that and then one thing I thought was like I probably need to make some guardrails of like I'm allowed to say hey I need to stop you on that topic I don't want to hear about that if somebody's like let me tell you about this time that I just remembered a living cat it's like no thanks you know but if it's just like you knowDivia (11:07.383)youDivia (11:15.459)Yeah.Divia (11:29.325)Right, right.JC (11:29.992)I'm feeling lonely and I need someone to listen. It's like, sure, you know.Divia (11:33.495)Yeah. Yeah. And for me, a lot of it's like, just, have some idea that like only half makes sense to me, but if I talk it through, they'll make more sense. but anyway, like I think sometimes my kids too, like I think they like to talk to people to process in like sometimes the sort of more one -sided way, which I think is developmentally appropriate and all fine. But then, so yeah, so I do think of myself as an extrovert, but then sometimes given that my kids and I still have little ones and then I have a lot of them.JC (11:42.226)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (11:51.24)That's funny. Right.Divia (12:02.763)and they rely on me, it doesn't meet, like, I don't necessarily want socialization on every margin, but especially if it's like more peer -like and like with somebody who's like also gonna care about, like also be more attuned to me. So it's like, that is one -sided. But yeah, I do find that very energizing. I do like to do it a lot.JC (12:04.104)Mm -hmm.JC (12:09.256)Mm -hmm.JC (12:13.032)Mm -hmm.JC (12:22.74)Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was just talking to my cousin about, know, how like our social needs are not getting met, you know, and how I don't know if we just said this before recording or what, but the idea of like, you know, people would not be so desperate for relationships if their friends were showing up more, or if it was easier to get time with friends, you know, and I feel like at 40, I am so tired of chasing people around, you know, and I feel like as somebody who like works alone from home,Divia (12:49.208)Yeah.JC (12:51.316)I need the interaction more than they do. Like I recognize that a lot of my friends deal with people all day long in their jobs and then they come home and they just want to watch TV and not talk to anybody. And I'm the opposite. I'm alone all day. I want to talk to people when the work day ends, you know, or even in the middle of the work day, you know, and I'm so tired of calling 20 people and not getting anybody. It's, it's insane to me. It's like my friends have flexible schedules. They live all over the world. Da da da da. How can it be that all 20 people I try are not available?Divia (13:04.098)Right.JC (13:21.14)bright this same moment. You I'm not calling at 10 a on a Tuesday, you know what mean? And it's exhausting. And it's like when you feel like you need some social time, the worst feeling is like, well, I just tried 20 people. Most people don't have 20 people they could call. I have f*****g 80 people I could call. I call 20 and I'm so depleted by the idea that nobody picks up that I'm like.Divia (13:25.997)Yeah.Divia (13:36.813)Totally.JC (13:43.964)I can't do this to myself anymore. Like nothing comforts me more than talking to a friend, but it's not possible to talk to a friend. So I guess I got to read a book or listen to a podcast or go to the gym or whatever, you And I think if I knew like my friends are going to be present and show up and when I call somebody they will pick up or they will call right back or whatever, then, you know, it's like, I'm not longing for a relationship, but one reason why I understand why so many other people seem to be is just this idea of like, I needDivia (13:55.352)Yeah.JC (14:13.384)to have a designated person in my life who is obligated to show up for me. They have agreed to that and that's the expectation and they're gonna do it, you know?Divia (14:22.487)Yeah. No, I mean, this is, I think it's a huge topic because lots and lots of people talk about, and like, I don't really trust surveys that much, but in surveys, I think most people say they're lonely or at least like almost half, like a lot. It's big. It is also just, you know, aside from surveys, this just seems true of people I know when I asked them. But then, like you say, it's like modern culture does basically tend to have the frame of like,JC (14:35.497)Mm -hmm.Divia (14:50.189)You don't really owe anyone anything except maybe like the person you're dating and your kids and stuff like that. Like family and romantic partners are the only one that it's like more socially accepted to have that type of more like committed, like actually you owe them something in relationship with.JC (14:58.025)Yeah.JC (15:02.995)Yeah.Yeah, and that's what drives me crazy is like, people go and find relationships and create human beings that they are legally responsible for and that they kind of own in a way, partially because they're like, well, the alternative is being alone and that is horrifying. And it's like, okay, so why are you surprised when I say, hey, I really need to talk to you right now and it's not great if you can never talk. Because it's like, I don't have a...Divia (15:21.73)Right.Divia (15:29.912)Yeah.JC (15:31.678)partner and a family. I don't have built in people that are obligated to be present in my life, you know? So I need, you know, voluntary people. And yeah, you know, I'm very frustrated by the attitude of like, no one owes anybody anything, because it's like, then good f*****g luck to us. Then we're all gonna f*****g die. Is that what we want? No, like, I want a healthy society. And a big part of that is giving a s**t about other people and showing up, you know?Divia (15:49.378)Right.Yeah, no.Divia (15:58.807)Yeah, totally. Yeah, no, and I mean, and I think like a lot of people, I don't know, like, I relate to this somewhat where I'm like, okay, like, you know, as a kid, you're going to have various sort of obligations that don't really make a lot of sense to me. And then at a certain point, I'm like, wait a minute, like, shouldn't I sort of get to decide for myself about these types of things? But then like, but then it doesn't mean I don't actually have obligations, obviously.And I think some of how I try to think of it is like, whatever, what is the thing that I think is sort of supposed to happen? And then like, who are all of the plausible people who maybe could be doing it? And I'm one of them. And so maybe that's like some information about how much I ought to try to do it. Am I making sense?JC (16:39.826)Yeah. Yeah. And also like, you know, I'm just learning over time, like how to better focus my efforts as I try to get my social needs met, which frankly, I just don't know if it's ever going to happen unless I get some job that is just talking to people all day long. But I, know, a lot of those are not very well paid and I don't really want to do them. anyway, f**k was I going to say? Hang on. I've realized like, I can't justyou know, for lack of a better term, spray and pray in terms of how I try to make friends. Like, it gets more specific every year of like, okay, now I need friends who are planning to live in New York City forever. Now I need friends who are planning to live in my neighborhood forever because I don't want to take four trains to go see people. Now I need friends who are going to not be in a relationship and not have children if that means that they're not going to have time for their friends.Divia (17:13.271)Right.Divia (17:26.091)MmJC (17:32.564)Now I need to find people that, and like all these things plus like natural friend chemistry. Like I don't want to hang out with people that are like perfectly nice, but I don't give a s**t about them. Like I want to have the like deep friend chemistry. And you know, and I'm realizing like, I feel like phases of life come out of nowhere and just like smack you in the face and like turn you upside down and shake you and make everything fall out of your pockets or whatever with like no warning. And so I feel like this phase of life, like the phase of life that startedDivia (17:41.517)Great.JC (17:58.612)previously that's still going is like everybody's parents are getting old and it's starting to impact our lives where it's like now you have to really like take care of your parents and get in there and like do some work to help them and factor them in and blah blah blah in a way that maybe you didn't 10 years ago and like the new phase is like crossing the 40 line in New York City never in my life did I think about how so much of the culture of at least certain areas of New York City that I frequentDivia (18:02.423)Yeah.Divia (18:21.613)Yeah.JC (18:28.148)are about you're under 40 and you're going out and you're socializing. And it makes sense for you because you are under 40 or under 30 and that's what your people do. But then you cross the 40 boundary and it's like, okay, now I'm the grandma in the room. Everybody else here is still 24 and I'm not, and it feels weird and I don't like it. And also with like the generational divide, like Gen Z and Gen Alpha are so different from millennials in some ways.Divia (18:33.069)MmJC (18:54.036)that it's like you feel like a foreigner and you feel like you do not know what's going on. And also it's like, I had this experience where I was playing with a cover band in a bar and all the patrons were under 26. And I looked out across this crowd of people in friend groups having the best time with their best friends from college and high school and whatever. And I couldn't help but think you people don't understand that this is gonna come to an end.Divia (18:54.157)Yeah.JC (19:17.652)real fast and either all of you are gonna leave or all your friends are gonna leave. And like this is a very fleeting era and then you're gonna be alone. And like I'm standing on here as the 40 year old on stage looking out at you like your fetuses and also being like enjoy it while you got it bro, cause this is gonna end real fast and nobody told me that, you know? And so it's been like a hard adjustment to be like, okay, where do I go as a 40 year old to not be the only 40 year old in the room? And like,Divia (19:19.576)No.JC (19:46.9)You know, I had a conversation with like a work colleague that I ran into somewhere where we were having this conversation of like, okay, we're women over 40 who want to live in New York forever, are not seeking relationships, are not seeking to move away and are not seeking to have children. Where do we find each other? Because there are many thousands of us and we all want community with each other because we're tired of having our hearts broken by everybody leaving, you know?Divia (19:59.885)MmJC (20:09.758)but like somebody's gonna have to spearhead it. And again, that's another of my million ideas that I'll probably never do, but I kind of have to because I'm like, if I want my life to be better, I've got to step up and do this because nobody else will.Divia (20:12.951)Here.Divia (20:20.345)Okay, but it seems to me, like, and obviously I don't know all the details, but like, it seems to me like you do a lot. Like you actually do try to put yourself out there and meet a bunch of people and like, what are you talking about doing that you're not already doing?JC (20:30.15)Yeah. Well, so for example, last or a couple nights ago, I went out, I took the initiative to talk to somebody new who was like playing pool and stuff. And I was like, do you want somebody to play with? And he was like, sure. Like I actually was really hoping somebody would ask. And I was like, amazing, great. We had a great time playing and chatting. He's, you know, friendly and interesting and like all these great things. But I I've met so many people over my adulthood who I'm like, I really like this person. I'd like to stay in touch with them. I'd like to try to build a friendship with them, whatever.and I put in the effort and it doesn't lead anywhere. And so now I'm kind of like, I'm not gonna like try to make something happen with people anymore unless I'm like, this person is so special and I really think they want me to like invite them to like continue knowing each other. Otherwise it's like, this is one of the another person where I had an amazing time with them and it doesn't mean anything to them or it does, but they don't want a friendship, you know, or they're not gonna.Divia (21:01.997)Yeah. Yeah.Divia (21:25.016)Right.JC (21:25.982)put in the work and I'm so tired of being the first one to message and then like not hearing back or being the person who has to like set up like the first like three hangouts until it kind of like get the momentum going. And also it's like he was a guy and you he was there with his adult child and so I don't know if he had a partner he didn't mention it but it's like I you know I don't know I don't know what the vibe was I didn't I didn't say like you know.Divia (21:35.651)Mm -hmm.Divia (21:50.178)Right.JC (21:51.644)hey, are you open to friendship, whatever. And also he was like in his mid 50s, so it's like, maybe he is pretty satisfied with his life or maybe he's not, but he didn't seem to want me to make an effort to like keep in touch. So I'm at the point now where I'm like, if I'm not getting the vibe that somebody's like, please let's be friends, then I'll just kind of hold back and be like, it was awesome hanging out with you, know? Yeah.Divia (22:05.187)Right.Divia (22:13.655)Yeah, not waste your energy on that.Divia (22:19.425)Yeah, no, it's I think it is one of those things where a lot of people really do want community. A lot of people really are lonely. And then I have I have a similar experience to you of most people don't follow up or anything like that. Or like even if I do follow up, it doesn't mean that they do. And. Yeah, spray and pray, sort of like what you said.JC (22:32.392)Yeah. Mm -hmm.JC (22:39.602)Yeah, you know, it's tough. know, I'm somebody who would like to have that conversation directly, but I feel like a lot of people say like, but you can't do that. You can't ask that. And so I feel like it's okay to kind of feel it out of just being like, I was getting the vibe that like, yes, he thought I was funny and nice and yes, we had a good time playing pool together and yes, yes, yes. But he doesn't seem to be wanting to exchange information. It doesn't seem like he'll care if he never sees me again. like.I'm just gonna let it be and say good night. And I kind of opened the door where it's like, I could have just left without saying goodbye, but instead I said, hey, it was really fun hanging out with you. I'm gonna head out, but have a great night. He could have been like, wait, let me get your information, but he didn't. at this point, after being the person who makes all the effort, I wanna meet people who are trying to make an effort. it's like my friend who was there with me who's so funny, he's like, I think that guy wants to bone you, whatever. And first of all, it's like, well, that's not.Divia (23:23.715)Right.Divia (23:31.32)Yeah.JC (23:37.148)what I want from him, but second, if he does, then he should f*****g say something. He should ask for my f*****g information. I don't wanna deal with a guy who's not gonna make effort. So whether it's for a friend or for a companion, know? Yeah, and that's another little like subtopic is like.Divia (23:43.181)Yeah.Totally.Divia (23:52.046)Yeah.JC (23:58.264)I have wasted so much energy trying to build friendships with men who are in relationships with women. Just, you know, friendships. And it's like, I've learned, beware the straight man who's in a relationship with a woman because he is a waste of your f*****g time. He will not put in effort. You know, he will have paranoia about like, like my girlfriend, what would she think? It's like, it doesn't f*****g matter. I'm not trying to f**k you. Calm down, you know? And like...Divia (24:07.192)Yeah.Divia (24:21.776)ThankJC (24:23.954)So I just feel like that's a demographic where it's like, tread real carefully, let them make the effort, because if I make the effort and then they dip, it's like, it's more and more disappointment for me and I'm sick of it, you know?Divia (24:37.429)Yeah, I mean, so are there people where you have had more success? Yeah. Okay, what are the most promising ones?JC (24:40.66)other demographics of people? For sure. It's like, you know, I can make friends with women all day long, you know, basically like women and gay guys, you know, same s**t. We all know, you know, you know, it's like this is, this is, you know, I was talking to, you know, my cousin about this. I've talked to lots of people. I think one of the most alarming things going on in our society is the, is the real, I don't know if you'd say bifurcation or like just the segregation and separation of men and women, you know, especially like straight men and straight women, you know.Divia (24:48.481)Okay, yeah.Divia (25:06.861)Mm.JC (25:10.004)It's a real problem. And I think it's only gonna make things worse and worse and worse if we don't start bridging the gap. But in order to bridge the gap, we've gotta fight the rhetoric where people are saying, men are trash, women suck, whatever. It's like, if you have this idea that a whole group of people is terrible, then you're alienating them. And you're not gonna put any effort into trying to get to know them. And it's like,I love straight men. I have straight men friends who I just adore and straight men in my life that I just think are the best people and I love talking to them. I love hanging out with them. I'm just saying that when I meet a straight man who has a girlfriend, that seems like a minefield because it's like, you know, this guy that I met recently, it made me so angry because he's an awesome guy and I really wanted to be friends with him and he lives in my neighborhood. We hung out, we talked for six hours, but you know what?Divia (25:51.352)Yeah.Divia (25:59.255)Hmm.JC (26:02.844)He was talking about how things weren't going well with his girlfriend. And you know when I stopped hearing from him? When things started going better with her. And it's like, are you f*****g kidding me? And it's like, and at least just say, like, hey, I really had an awesome time talking with you. Things are going better with my girlfriend now. We're spending a lot of time together. I just don't have bandwidth for like building new friendships right now or whatever. But the whole like complete disregard of like,Divia (26:14.765)Yeah.JC (26:28.984)six hours talking to a new person and you don't wanna be friends? What the f**k? And it's so obvious that it's about your f*****g girlfriend and now you're getting what you need from her so you don't care about friends. And it's like, f**k you, friendship f*****g matters.Divia (26:35.991)Yeah, you just can't relate to it, right?Divia (26:45.763)Yeah.Yeah, how do you, like, if you could sort of, like, what is your speech to people about how they ought to relate to friendship? Like, how do you think people should do it?JC (26:56.7)Like if I'm just talking to like the general public about it. Well, one thing I've been thinking is like people really should treat it like dating in the sense of like a friendship is not a friendship until you both kind of get to know each other a little bit and you agree like, okay, we are friends now. Like you're not friends if you've like met at a party and hung out once, you know, it's like you're not obligated to each other. And there needs to be an open line of communication of like if somebody is really feeling it and the other person's not quite so sure.Divia (26:58.722)Yeah.Divia (27:16.557)MmJC (27:24.584)then the person who's really feeling it should probably be like, hey, let's hang out again. And if the other person isn't feeling it, they can be like, you know, thank you so much, but I'm not really feeling it the way you would with dating instead of like, okay. And then you're just like leading someone on in a friendship way. But also it's like, I think it's like, you have to show up. Like a conversation I'll never forget. Is there somebody that I know from college who I don't know if you know or not, but we were having a conversation at a party once and he was saying,Divia (27:34.817)And then, right.JC (27:50.136)I was talking about friendship stuff or whatever. And he was saying like, well, I have a friend who's really mad at me because like, I don't really keep in touch. And he's like, but why is she so mad? I'm not doing anything. I'm not taking action that is hurting her. So like, what am I doing wrong? I'm not doing anything. And I was like, dummy, she wants you to do something. So you're neglecting the relationship. That's why she's angry. Like, we don't have friends so that they can just...Divia (27:56.642)Divia (28:07.96)Yeah.JC (28:13.874)you know, ghost us. Like if you're going to be somebody's friend, you should send a text once in a while. You should have a call once in a while. You should let them know when you're in their city, you know? And so yeah, she's angry because you're supposed to be her friend and you're slacking on your friend duties, you know? And she's telling you that and you're not remedying it. You're not her friend. Just tell her, I don't want to be friends anymore. I can't, I can't put in the effort. So I can't, you're not going to get anything out of this friendship. So I'm going to peace out, you know?Divia (28:28.065)Yeah.JC (28:41.598)So yeah, think friendship is so much about like caring and actually showing that you care. Because like something I think about all the time, which is like, you know, it's whatever, but it is what it is. Like I love saying things that mean nothing. It is what it is. I think all the time about like, if I died, I know that there's a lot of people who'd be like, my God, I loved her. And it's like.Divia (28:52.297)YouJC (29:02.788)and you never called me and you never texted and you never let me know when you were in New York and you never made an effort. like save it a*****e. know, like if you care about me f*****g do something about it. So that's definitely my thing is like when you think of someone in your life, send them a text, do it.Divia (29:05.581)Yeah.Divia (29:13.356)YouDivia (29:25.143)Yeah. Okay, yeah. So it seems like for you, they're kind of two things that are maybe the same thing. One is like, have a concept in your head, a friend that means, that has some obligation attached to it. That isn't just like, like them, but it's like, and here's how I'll show up for them. And you also want people to be direct with people about whether they're up for that or not.JC (29:37.832)Mm -hmm.JC (29:41.651)Mm -hmm.Mm -hmm.Mm -hmm. Yeah, because I feel like a lot of times I think about how I feel like I'm item number 697 on a lot of my quote unquote friends priority lists where it's just like, if I'm not poking them for attention, I'll never hear from them again. And like, it will never occur to them to send me a text or whatever. But if I say like, hey, you're invited to my birthday, they show up and they have a great time and they talk to me. If I say, hey, do you want to go see this movie together? They'll be like, yes. And then we'll have a grand old time. But like, yeah, if I don't, it's like,It does not feel like I matter to them in the least. And like, it's not my preference.Divia (30:20.545)Yeah, no, it's true. a lot of a lot of like if I periodically they'll be like Twitter threads or stuff and I'll sometimes signal boost them about like here's how to meet people if you're trying to as an adult or whatever. And it's a lot of stuff that we've talked about, like put yourself out there, introduce yourself, host events, whatever, whatever, like all that stuff. And I do think it's true that the advice doesn't usually the advice tends to assume that the person is willing to put in all of the effort themselves perpetually. Which it makes sense.JC (30:46.298)Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. Or at least like a lot of effort up front of like send the first message. If you don't get a response, follow up gently. If you don't get a response, then maybe leave it alone. But like, yeah, like set up the first meeting, then like set up the second meeting a couple of weeks later, and like communicate directly. It's funny, I have a friendship that like just started recently where it was kind of crazy to me because we started...with a little bit of like a conflict about like, I'm really disappointed in how you are not showing up, you know? And then we had to have this whole like text discussion about like, yeah, I'm sorry, I've just been like so busy and this is not how I usually am and I know that it sucks. Cause I think we had our initial conversation, we met at a party, our initial conversation had been like, we're feeling a little lonely, we want more friends, we're the kind of people that show up as friends. We like talking to each other. Okay, great, let's make a time to hang out. And then it was extremely difficult to get that first time on the calendar.Divia (31:18.659)MmDivia (31:42.371)MmJC (31:42.388)and, and so I was feeling very like tender about that because I ha I was dealing with another friend that was kind of flaking and I was just like feeling very frustrated and exhausted by like constant friend flakiness and, never getting any closure about that because it always feels like you can't be like, Hey, I'm not happy with what's going on here because people will just kind of be like, chill out, dude. Your number 697 on the call list.Like, what are you expecting? You know what I mean? But I'm kind of at the point now where it's like, well, if I'm number 697, I can say if I have a problem, and if you don't like it you want to walk away, what am I really losing? But like, I'm sick and tired of being like, it's all fine, it's not, you know? So anyway, so I was like, you know what? I just met this woman, I want to be friends with her, but if me expressing myself makes her go away, I'm okay with that because we just met. So again, what am I losing?Divia (32:08.332)Right.Divia (32:15.669)Right.Divia (32:22.424)Yeah.JC (32:33.958)and I'm tired of holding everything back all the time. So I said, like, hey, I'm not happy about how hard it's been to get something on the couch. I don't remember the exact words. I use something gentler than this, because I know that sounds like a lot or whatever. But I was just like, you know, I'm just so exhausted by all the friend crap that I deal with all the time. And it just feels like we're going down that same road. And I just don't want that. So let's please try to make something happen or let it go. And she was, I was really.Divia (32:36.611)ThankDivia (32:43.33)Okay.Divia (33:02.211)Good.JC (33:03.782)impressed by her stepping up and being like, you're right, it has not been ideal. This is not how I want to show up. Things have been crazy. I'm sorry. This is like not how I usually am. And like, we will make this happen. And then like we did make it happen. And it was kind of weird to start off because I was just like, you like we started with a conflict like that has never happened to me before. But we also started with resolving a conflict, which makes me feel more like secure and confident about likeDivia (33:15.107)Okay.JC (33:30.194)she's somebody who's willing to have the conversation and then like course correct, which is amazing, you especially for a f*****g new person to whom she owes nothing, you know? You know, and it was, but I just felt like, let me just like clear the air of just like, I'm sorry that we started in conflict. I really appreciate how you like stepped up. It'll be okay. I understand. I was also in just like a really sensitive moment about this exact issue. So I was just kind of like, f**k it. I'm going to tell this person how I feel. I'm sick of not saying anything.Divia (33:35.041)Okay.Right.JC (34:00.244)But I think, you we cleared the air about that and then we're like off to the races now and we're like kind of, you know, slowly building some rapport and I'm sure it'll be fine. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's funny because it's like she's she's really great, but she does live far enough away that it's like, God, like, I really want friends within 10 blocks at this point, you know.Divia (34:11.884)the school.Divia (34:24.479)That's so close though.JC (34:26.034)I know, but it's like, you my neighborhood is chock -a -block with cool, nice people. And let me tell you this, like I could talk about this s**t forever. I ran into a friend from college the other night. I didn't see him, he saw me. He called out to me, he reminded me who he was, because like my eyesight is not great. And you know, like at this point in our lives, it's like, there's so many faces where it's like, I know this face, but.Divia (34:32.185)YouDivia (34:43.918)Yeah.JC (34:47.486)please help me. And so he immediately told me who he was, which I really appreciated. And I was like, of course. And then I was like right in it of like, I remembered our inside jokes and like I remembered our context and all that kind of stuff. And I was like, hey, what are you doing? He was like, I'm doing this job. I was like, where are you living? He lives three blocks away from me. But I have always gotten the vibe from this guy that he is not going to show up as a friend for me. He's a friendly acquaintance who is willing to say hello to me proactively when I didn't even see him. But he does not want to exchange information.Divia (34:57.282)Nice.Divia (35:03.513)Wow.Divia (35:08.439)Right.JC (35:15.432)does not want to be in touch. He's a f*****g straight man with a girlfriend. It just is what it is. And so I'm not going to do the thing anymore of like, well, we should grab coffee. No, we shouldn't because you don't want to. So like, I accept that you are a person who remembers that you know me and you proactively say hello to me when you didn't have to, but you will not engage with me beyond that. And I accept that. But I'm just like, why do you live three blocks from me and Divya lives in Austin?Divia (35:20.323)Yeah.Divia (35:28.365)Right.Divia (35:45.025)Yeah.JC (35:45.044)Why do you live three blocks from me and all my best friends have moved across the globe? What the f**k? So I'm just like, there have to be people within 10 blocks of me that are willing to engage with me. And I wanna find those people and create relationships, you know?Divia (36:00.557)Yeah, no, I mean, it's it is a big value add to have people be close for sure. Like physically close. I did know and and it took forever. Yeah, I don't I don't think I've talked about this on the podcast very much, but but I did finally move to Austin in a neighborhood with other friends that I already knew. And it's honestly it's really great. And I will say, though, for me, something I learned about myself during Covid is it works like I definitely prefer seeing people in person, to be clear. But IJC (36:05.468)I mean, you literally put a huge amount of effort into making that happen.JC (36:20.745)Mm -hmm.JC (36:28.38)Mm -hmm.Divia (36:30.359)do all right if I get to just talk on the phone. But then I'm like, for my kids, especially, it's just like even more important that it be in person. Though then I say that, know, so the thing you're saying about like, yeah, and so the people we moved with, so one of them does not have kids, he's just a guy, you know, and he hangs out and that's cool. Or so he has step kids that are much older, but he doesn't have.JC (36:32.456)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (36:40.272)Mm -hmm. You mean your kids to play with other kids? Yeah, yeah.JC (36:53.454)huh.Divia (36:58.061)He doesn't have kids in the neighborhood. But for everyone else, that's really great. Because something I always used to think about from when I was a kid, I don't know if you remember my neighbor who lived right across. You probably didn't know him. So it was a weird situation because his dad, he mostly only spent the summers in America and then he was in France the rest of the time. And my, like.I don't even... I guess I feel weird about saying this because he's like a real person who's out there somewhere. But like, I don't think we really did actually have that much friend chemistry, but he was literally next door. And so yet we hung out all the time. And so I think about that for my kids and like some people are course more extroverted than others and some of my kids are more than others, but I'm like I want them if they just want to go hang out with someone, I want them to have that as an option. Yeah.JC (37:28.946)Yes, yes.Mm.JC (37:44.432)Mm -hmm, for sure, for sure. Yeah, and that's why I'm like, you know, it's tough, because it's like, I've definitely thought of the thing of like, let me just create community immediately around me, but it's not easy because my roommates don't want it. So it's like, okay, I'm not going to force people. They don't want it. But like, this is a real problem for me and it has been for years. And so it's like, you know, when it's time for new people to come in, I'm going to be so much more just crystal clear about this is what I expect.Divia (37:58.05)Yeah.JC (38:13.404)if that sounds weird to you, find somewhere else. I cannot live with it. I really can't. I'm tired. I've done it for too long and I'm really sick of it, you know? And then I was like, okay, well, what about my building? The people in my building are friendly people who do not want to put in effort and create relationships. And there's also a big age gap. I, know, I, I, yeah. And it's like, and I feel that thing of like, they're in a stage of their life where all their friends live here and they want to go out and party all night and blah, blah, blah. And like everything's peachy keen. And it's like,Divia (38:32.654)Like they're younger or they're... yeah.JC (38:43.828)You guys tell me how you're doing in 10 years when everybody's moved away and gotten married and had kids. And then you'll understand why the 40 year old neighbor wanted to, you know, make some connections, but they don't want to. So, okay. And you know, it's hilarious is actually, there's a woman who lives around the corner that I've seen like, I don't know, at least a hundred times or whatever. And we've been saying hello, you know, like over the years, just hello. She only introduced herself like a couple days ago for the first time. Cause she's like, I see you all the time. Like I've been living here 15 years. How long have you been, I was like, yeah, 10 years, you know?Divia (39:02.585)MmDivia (39:12.813)MmJC (39:13.46)And I would be very happy to strike up a friendship with her. And I'm treading carefully, I don't know if she wants that, whatever. But it's like, clearly you are a person who has been rooted here and you're friendly, you're looking at a stranger and saying hello to them and acknowledging that you've seen them a lot. And so yeah, I'm just like, I wanna try to see who else lives within a 10 block radius and is feeling like they want friends. Because I want...Divia (39:25.462)MmJC (39:40.376)know, a bunch of Kramer's in my life, you know, just like people are gonna pop by or be like, let's take a walk or like, you know, I'm right here. And you know, it's like, I know other people like right near me who are just never available, one of whom is a man with a family. And so I'm just like, yep, not worth the trouble. Have fun with your f*****g family, you know, and it's badening.Divia (39:43.533)Yeah.Yeah.Divia (39:52.665)MmDivia (40:01.431)Yeah.Yeah.JC (40:05.064)I mean, one thing I always wonder about, I know you kind of touched on this earlier, and I guess maybe I do know the answer, whatever, is what amount of your needs are met by having a partner and a family and living with them? And what needs are still not met by that? And do you feel like, thank God I have a partner and family, because it meets all my needs. And if I didn't have that, I'd be on the struggle bus. Or what's your kind of thought about that?Divia (40:25.133)Mm -hmm.Divia (40:30.969)I mean, all my, that's like a weird, I don't know that I think of it exactly like that. So I mean, I would say a family, like I, like obviously I love my family, like coldest take ever or whatever. But like there's something there for me that's, it just, it's like, it's the only thing like that. I'm like the meeting.JC (40:35.539)Mm -hmm.Divia (40:55.723)it gives me and like that I've just always wanted kids and then they're there and I were like creating something to get like, I don't know. It's not like anything else, but it's also not like to hang out with my kids, at least at these ages, it's a pretty different activity from socializing with adults. And so hanging out with my husband is much more similar. No doubt. I will say we're in a tough stage there in terms of just hours per day.JC (41:10.738)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (41:24.072)Mm -hmm.Divia (41:25.025)And we try, and this is, I think it's basically my fault because I tried having more childcare and it was good for that, but ultimately it sort of didn't work for me. And the kids are still young. And so in some way, like the sad thing is in some ways it's easier for me to hang out. We switch off with the kids. And so in some ways it's easier for me to hang out with people that are not my husbands.JC (41:33.736)Hmm.JC (41:40.489)MmJC (41:46.545)Mm Because it's like having Will home with the kids is the only way for you to get adult social time and then he can't be there.Divia (41:54.295)Yeah, I mean, we can all hang out together, but then it's more, it's like a different activity. And sometimes all the kids are asleep or something. And I really try, I'm not always the best about it, but I try to really remember like, no, this is scarce. So if there's like even a moment, I should go hang out with him. Sometimes I'll call him because they're like in the same house with the kids and I'll like call him and like talk to him about stuff. So yeah, I would say I do not get...JC (41:56.594)Right. Right.Mm -hmm.JC (42:06.617)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (42:17.032)That's funny.Divia (42:21.057)As much, yeah, I've failed to set up a life where I get as much time with my husband as I want. I do feel bad about it. I think in a few years it'll be a lot better, but it's been a long time of just, it's great, but it's not as much as I want. And I feel confident he would say the same thing.JC (42:29.618)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (42:34.675)Mm -hmm.And do you feel like you could ever draw, I mean, know, this is classic child -free person asking a question like this, whatever, but do you think you could ever set a boundary with your kids of like, mom and dad need some time alone, Lydia's in charge, go play in the backyard, only contact us if someone's injured or crying or whatever, you know?Divia (42:43.828)Yeah.Divia (42:54.499)Look, I do, no, no, absolutely bleeding or pooping. That's what I say. No, but yes, and I should maybe try, but Mike, I do try that. I think it's possible I should spend more time on it to get the older kids to babysit. But like, to be clear, my youngest is nine months old. Like it's just, she's still, like how long can they really? Yes, I think I should probably do it more than I do. The older kids aren't that into it. I do pay them. I do ask them.JC (42:58.304)-huh.JC (43:11.871)Mm -hmm.JC (43:17.342)Right.JC (43:22.226)Hmm, wow, funny. I wanna hear more about that because I feel like, know, I think about abstract things about raising kids, which I will never do, but I'm like, well, how would I handle this or that? And like, I think a lot about, you know, people are probably better off if it's like, okay, everybody's in this family, we are sharing duties. And like, I understand sometimes you have to incentivize kids because they just do not wanna do stuff and it's just not worth the trouble. But it's fascinating to me that you wouldpay your kid to help out with childcare when it's like, we're a family unit, I need your help, I do s**t for you all day long, every day without any pay or whatever, you can watch the f*****g kids for two hours without me f*****g giving you money. You're a member of this family, you're not hired help. So yeah, how do you see it?Divia (44:04.547)Yes.Nah, that's not how I see it at all, I'm like, I'm like, look, I could try to like guilt them into doing it, which I think is like, that's how I hear it when you say that. I'm like, I could be like, no, you owe it to me. You should feel guilty if you don't, therefore you should do it.JC (44:17.626)Mm. Mm.JC (44:21.832)just like, you know, we're a family unit, let's work together to make our lives work.Divia (44:24.621)But here's the thing. Here's the thing, though. I guess I have like two sort of things to say about that. One is I think below is so and what I'm like a radical in many ways with parenting and the things that I've mostly heard from people who tend to do things kind of how I do is that those sorts of arguments, I think, are pretty compelling sort of in the way they would be to like an adult, which again, I mean, obviously, like adults are sort of all over the map. By the time they're around teenagers.JC (44:35.837)HmmJC (44:49.767)Right, right, right.Divia (44:55.937)Or maybe younger, depending on the kid. But the way I see it, and I'm sure, whatever, there's like so much individual variation. I'm not trying to like hate on anyone who does that. Like I think that can work well for some families. But it has never felt right to me. I'm like, they never agreed to that. And I don't think it intuitively feels right to them. And I've also had kids be like, yeah, on some level, I guess I should, but like, I really don't want to. So do you want me to just do it even though I don't want to? And your answer might be like, yes. And mine is like, no.JC (45:25.726)So it.Divia (45:25.869)Like I care so much more about them actually knowing themselves and being able to keep in touch with like what they really want. Like that's just more important to me. And plus like my, my BATNA, like my alternative, if they say no is first of all worse, like, and involves money. I'm like, this is a thing I have paid people to do before. I don't know. Yeah. Best alternative to negotiated agreement. Like that's what I'll do if they don't do it.JC (45:33.159)Yeah.JC (45:44.977)Mm -hmm. Did you say batsna?JC (45:49.82)my god. my god. Where the f**k does that acronym come from? I've never heard that in my life.Divia (45:56.589)think it's like a business. Yeah, this is the thing. So I hang out with rationalists and that's the sort of thing rationalists say all the time. No, but okay, you might think it's ridiculous, but you want people to be more direct with you. I'm like, hang out with rationalists. Maybe they will.JC (46:00.113)I know you do.JC (46:08.04)That's very funny. But yeah, mean, yeah, I mean, I'm always happy to meet new people, but I don't get the sense that the rationalist community is necessarily the place for me, but maybe I need to give it another try, you know? But, right. -huh.Divia (46:12.057)YouDivia (46:18.137)No, no, no, it's probably not, but it is an advantage from my perspective. It also like, I think I have to say about the rationalist community is, and of course it's like sort of geographically different, whatever, whatever, but like it is kind of a community at all, which is something. Like, I feel like if there's like something goes wrong, like there's sort of like, you could send it, you could like sort of contact the rationalist community as a thing, like the same way, I don't know. I actually need to give all sorts of or something, but like.JC (46:32.966)Right, right, right, right, right.JC (46:41.18)Mm -hmm.Divia (46:47.841)that some things are communities and other things are not communities. And so I think it's worth something if something's a community at all.JC (46:50.012)Right, right, right, right. Yeah, for sure. And I just had a question, because I feel like a lot of people's theory is, yes, sometimes kids have to do things they don't want to do. How are you preparing? No, no, no, no, no. But how are you preparing them for real life if they never have to do anything they don't want to do? Because it's like, I don't want to work, but I work every day.Divia (47:03.233)I disagree, disagree, but yeah.Divia (47:11.415)Okay. Okay, but here's the thing. I think this is a semantic thing that you might be like, this is a dumb nitpick, but to me, it's extremely important. I think that it's a confusing way to put it to say that you don't want to work because you want the outcomes from working and that's why you do it.JC (47:26.824)Hmm.JC (47:31.388)Hmm. So you feel like I do want to work because I want what it brings?Divia (47:36.801)I mean, I think ultimately, it's sort of, like I'm not really into policing other people's language, but I am like, I would never really put it that way because it seems wrong to me. Like for sure a thing that seems true is you choose to work.JC (47:47.39)Hmm.JC (47:51.836)I feel that I have to because otherwise I couldn't pay my bills. So I do feel like if I came into a bunch of money, I don't know that I would work in the same way. You know? Yeah.Divia (47:55.713)Right. And so to clear.Divia (48:00.963)yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's how I was. Many people are like, I love my job. I do it even if and I'm like that. Yes. Yes, which I think it's most, which I think is, of course, sure, sure, So, but again, I'm like, you're doing it, though, because you want the result of it, which is like the paycheck and stuff.JC (48:08.212)There are things that I would do that are work, but not working at a job that I would prefer not to be doing. Yeah.JC (48:23.735)MmDivia (48:24.801)And so my perspective on this is like, people seem to think that the natural way to explain to kids that sometimes you should do things because you want the result or if you don't do it, the result would be bad is to use like threats or guilt tripping from the parents. And I'm like, I just don't think that. I think it's different. Like I think these, my mom is gonna get mad at me if I don't, it's just so different from like, but I need money. That like, don't, to me they don't seem like the same thing.JC (48:48.614)Yeah, and I'm not saying those are the only options. For me, it would be like, I think it's worthwhile to talk to a kid about like, hey, we're a family unit. Everything works better if we all help out where we can.Nobody wants to clean the toilet, but if somebody does it, everybody benefits. And like that's an act of service to our little community. And so, you I would really appreciate it if you would, you know, watch your little sister for two hours. And I know it's not always fun and I know maybe you don't want to do it. And I respect that you don't want to do it. And I'm sorry that I'm needing to ask you something that doesn't sound fun to you, but think of it as this is a nice thing I'm doing for mom and my little sister that's going to help my family. And it's not always about like, do I want to do it? It's like,You probably don't want to do your laundry. You probably don't want to, you know, but you do it.Divia (49:32.429)So, okay, but yeah, see, I would never say any of those things. I'm like, I do wanna do my laundry so I have clean clothes. I do wanna clean the toilet so the toilet's clean.JC (49:37.64)Mm.Okay. Okay. So why would it be inconceivable that your child might want to help their mom if that's how it was? Yeah. Okay.Divia (49:47.151)no, no, they do sometimes. Absolutely they do. Yeah, but the question is, what if they don't want to? Like, I think it's fine to make those sort of arguments. Like, look, it would be, and I'm not saying I never guilt trip my kids. If you ever listened to this, they're probably like, well, what about that time? You're like, but can't you just, whatever. but it's not really how I want to be doing things because...JC (49:52.082)Mm -hmm.JC (50:02.59)Hmm.Divia (50:06.817)for a few reasons. And one of them is, yeah, okay, fine. Let's say I give some speech like that. I would give it in my own words, which would be different from yours. It's super important to me to be like, and you know what? If you say no, I will respect that.JC (50:13.598)MmJC (50:20.006)Mm -hmm. But are you also allowed to say, if you say no, I will respect it, but I will feel a little bit sad that you didn't want to help me?Divia (50:20.889)Because to me that's an important piece.Divia (50:30.109)sure, I mean think people sharing their feelings is good. And there definitely are times when I'm like, when I'm kinda like, yeah, you do what you want, but it doesn't feel good to me that that's what you're doing, for sure.JC (50:32.316)Right, right.JC (50:41.082)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. And do they ever course correct then or are they just like, well, cool, you feel bad. Anyway, I'm doing me, you know, like.Divia (50:47.737)i they definitely care about it, though, like, you know, my two -year -old, like, you don't really understand what i'm talking about so it, like, depends on the kidJC (50:51.772)Right, right. what, -huh. And what I'm trying to understand is like, is the hard line that you will not cross, like is your goal to like never force your kids to do something they don't want to do even if one could say like, you're not abusing them by just asking them to perform a task that is helpful to the family, that is not harmful to them. Well, but that's what I'm saying is like, is your goal to never...Divia (51:13.761)No, but is it asking or is it demanding? Look, it's like.JC (51:20.904)to never have your kids do something they didn't wanna do as a result of you initiating that. Is that your goal?Divia (51:28.363)No, so look, to me, like none of these, like I just, I think the way you're talking about it is like very normal, but to me, it always strikes me as Orwellian. You're saying ask, and I'm like, no, I ask them to do stuff a million times a day, and they can say, no, that's what asking means. Otherwise it's like demanding or like threatening or like some other word. Like people will be like, my God, my kids don't listen to me. And I'm like, do you mean they don't listen or they don't obey you? Like.JC (51:41.438)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (51:51.9)Right, right, right. But so, right.Divia (51:53.281)So I'm kind of like, let's be clear on what we're talking about first of all. So that's like one of my rants about this. But then another thing is like, there are absolutely some things where I'm like, don't, like, it doesn't really matter to me how you feel about this is what we have to do. And for me, in my family, this mostly comes up when people are toddlers and I'm like, no, you don't get to like kick other people. You don't get to take their stuff. don't get to like, like those two people are like the very basics, like other people and their stuff and their bodies, like it's up to them, right?JC (52:13.62)MmJC (52:22.287)Sorry, there's a loud siren going by. Yeah.Divia (52:23.777)No, I miss it. You know, I don't know. Like, this is a messed up thing to say, because obviously somebody's hurt, but like, that's what I grew up with. Yeah, somebody's being helped.JC (52:29.556)Well, know what, somebody's being helped, know? Somebody's receiving services, you know? Somebody's in need and they're getting attention, you know? Yeah, no, because I have the kind of thought of like, when you were talking about it initially, I was like, but I would worry that if a kid... It's tough, because I love the idea of people not having to do stuff they don't want to do, but I worry about if you learn...I don't have to do what I don't want to do. And then you go out into the world and people sometimes expect that of you in ways that are not sick. You know what I mean? Where it's just like, hey, could you hold the door for this person? It's like, I don't want to. And it's like, okay, well, society is starting to break down now. know, like, like.Divia (53:11.609)But again, that's the same type of thing like they and if if somebody doesn't do some basic thing for them Like people will get annoyed like that's the real world thing that happens like I might get annoyed their siblings will definitely like Might get annoyed. I'm sort of like I don't know. That's life likeJC (53:20.456)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.Right, so do you feel like they kind of absorb the necessary lessons through being like, okay, I said no to this thing and then people were upset with me and I didn't like how that felt. So maybe in the future, I would consider doing a thing even though I don't love the idea of it, I understand that it kind of maintains my relationships and I want that.Divia (53:40.781)Look, I'm sure that sometimes happens, but to me, like, that's, that's not like a, it doesn't feel like the important part. Like to me, the important part of helping people thrive as people seems more like helping people build skills and like build understanding of the world and like understand things and like have options. AndJC (53:54.903)MmJC (53:58.697)MmDivia (53:59.831)Like, is there a way for people to like hold the door that feels good to them? It's like, I think there's sort of, to many people I think it seems intuitive, like, let me like ramp up the negative motivation. Like, let me like really like make it clear to people what bad thing happens if you don't whatever. When like, I think the things that people do most consistently for the longest that they end up feeling good about it, and I know people are like, I don't know, some people can be very suspicious and disagree with, think, including for good reasons.JC (54:09.997)Mmm, yeah.Mm -hmm.Divia (54:26.957)that type of focus, but I'm like, I just think that that is actually mostly what really works. Like, for example, like, how many people do I know? It's like so taboo, but then people will talk about it they'll be like, yeah, yeah, like my parents maybe like floss, but do I floss now? No, I don't floss.JC (54:31.156)No, I agree that likeJC (54:42.076)Right, right, because you want to rebel and do what you want, even though flossing is good for you or whatever.Divia (54:46.709)Or not necessarily, or they're just like, because I didn't really want to do it. The only reason I was doing it was because they were like hassling me, and now Noh's hassling me, and like... I don't... I don't know.JC (54:53.128)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.Yeah, no, I agree that like, think positive reinforcement and also making sure a child understands like, what is the value of this? Because I feel like people are often like, do it! And like, you know, just with the anger and the threat and the negativity. And so a child feels like, I don't understand why I'm supposed to be doing this and I'm not doing it, you know?Divia (55:06.613)YouDivia (55:12.759)And sometimes they don't really know how. like, it's sort of a weird thing to say. there's, I don't know. Have you heard of the anti -psychiatry movement?JC (55:23.216)No! What is that?Divia (55:27.213)Like Thomas Sass, I've never actually read his stuff. I've just read people who talk about him, but he's kind of like look this whole like framing things as like people can't what so he's I don't get into it you but like a Thing that people sometimes talk about is like, okay, you say you like can't do it or like whatever but like gun to head Could you do it if someone were like no, really I'm gonna like shoot you if you don't do it Then could you and all for the answer is like, of course then they could like call you back or whatever even though what they're saying It's like no, I can't I don't know how to ButJC (55:51.402)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.Divia (55:55.481)But again, think that that type of, the way I see it is that most of these things that rely on like negative social motivations are not necessarily very robust.behaviors. And I also don't think it's just and I'm sort of like a geek about like behaviorism in general. So I'm like, yeah, positive reinforcement, like whatever. To me, the thing is more like actual behavioral fluency, like being really if something is easy. So like, you it's another like, I don't know, I think really you are pretty online, but I think we're like very online in different ways. So have you seen the discourse about like ADHD, people can't build habits? Okay, well, I don't think it's true. There's a discourse about that. No, no, I don't think it's true.JC (56:14.866)Hmm.JC (56:28.861)Hmm.JC (56:33.084)No. So that's literally what it is. It's just like they cannot. Yeah.Divia (56:39.149)But it's like something people say. I think, something I certainly identify with is people be like, just like do it every day for a month. And then you like won't even notice I'm doing it. You just keep doing it. And I'm like, yeah, maybe some people, some things for sure. But it rarely happens to me that way. don't know. Do you think that happens that way for you?JC (56:54.676)Wait, are you the 927 millionth person in my life with ADHD that I didn't know had it?Divia (57:01.145)I don't, I don't, so okay, I have a whole thing to say about that too. I don't identify as having ADHD. never, I don't think I would meet diagnostic criteria. I identify with some of the things and not other things. I tried quizzing people. I'd ask some people in my life. Yeah, I asked some people in my life. I'm like, do you think I have ADHD? Some of were like, yeah, definitely. Some of them were like, no, of course not. So I don't know.JC (57:10.259)Yeah.Mm -hmm. It's like astrology.JC (57:23.048)I would never think of that for you, but that's interesting. yeah.Divia (57:25.049)I don't really either, though when I look back, so this isn't a side, I will get back to my other point about habits, but when I look back through my life and like me comparing myself to my friends, I'm like, wow. A thing for me about getting older, I don't know if this happens to everyone, is I'm like, at every stage of my life, I did not realize until so many years later, maybe I still don't realize it now, how much I was selecting in my friends for people who were the same kind of weird that I was.JC (57:54.174)Doesn't everybody do that? I mean like.Divia (57:56.109)Yeah, but it was more than I thought.JC (57:59.645)So like you were prioritizing similar weirdness over what? Like compatibility or whatever?Divia (58:07.819)Well, no, I think it created compatibility. So I think not over compatibility, but I didn't realize how much of that was good. And I thought more of it was like random too, I think, like especially like, I'm like, but like, we're just like physically, like we were in the same dorm or we were whatever, like we're in the same school. Like I just thought more of it was sort of incidental. Like here's a perfect example. I made a bunch of friends years ago in the baby wearing community and there.JC (58:15.347)Hmm.JC (58:33.906)Baby wearing. Yeah, just like wear instead of like putting in a stroller or something. It's hilarious.Divia (58:35.573)Yeah, it's like you have like baby carriers. Yeah, yeah, and there was like a forum. was yeah andAnd at first I was like, okay, like normally I meet friends this way, but this one, the only major filter is like, do they like baby wearing? And then I'm like, no, that's, frankly, I'm like, no, no, that's not true. They're like, do they like these particular types of discussions and probably have kids with this type of sensory need and like to geek out about fabric and really prefer written communication? I'm like, okay, no, no, no. Like this actually looks super filtered. It makes sense that we're all similar types of nerd. I mean, not, and like, not literally all, but like the filters for are we the same type of neurodivergent were more than IJC (58:49.636)huh.JC (59:03.379)Wow.Divia (59:12.396)and I think this has been true at every point in my life, including when we were in school together.JC (59:15.154)Yeah. Hmm. Interesting. That's funny. so the hyperforming.Divia (59:19.949)So anyway, so yeah, no, I don't identify as ADHD, but let me go back to the habits thing. yeah, cause I think this is also something that often comes into the people are like, we'll just like do it over and over and over with their kids. And then they just like, we'll just automatically do it. And I'm like, maybe like for sure. So sometimes things work that way, but for me it doesn't. I'm like, I do load the dishwasher at night and every time I'm like, I could, or I could not.JC (59:33.256)Hmm.Divia (59:44.129)I could, or I just didn't feel like I'm just automatically doing it, but then I do it, where something is like, do you legitimately feel automatic? I'm like, do I turn off the sink when I'm done using it? Yeah, like don't even think about that.JC (59:53.35)Yeah, no, I feel like things like unloading the dishwasher, like anything that feels like, I could do that, but I could also not. Anybody struggles to just or like has to take a moment to be like, OK, I'm deciding to do this. I'm not just automatically.Divia (01:00:04.621)Do it!No, that's what I thought, but then I listened to podcasts and YouTube videos and whatever, and I hear people talking about it, and if that's how it is for them, that's not how they say it. They're like, no, then we just automatically, and I don't even notice, and then people say that a lot.JC (01:00:21.682)Hmm. Interesting. I think people are also unreliable narrators and don't, they're not good witnesses of themselves, you know? So it's like they could say that, but really they're just not noticing that they made a conscious choice or that they were like, I gotta unload the dishwasher. I don't want to. I gotta do it. Okay, I'm doing it. You know I mean? Like, I don't know. I feel like, yeah.Divia (01:00:26.585)Yeah.Divia (01:00:42.649)Yeah, people are also really different. So it's hard for me to tell. And I will ask, I'll be like, okay, like friends, like, I'll be like, I brush my teeth, like, but like, are there any days in the last month you didn't? And some people are like, my God, I would never miss a day ever. I do it every morning and every night. And I'm like, no, I probably do it like 90 % of the time. And I'm like, my teeth feel gross. I should go do it. I don't know, I'm like, maybe I'm not supposed to admit that, but.JC (01:00:46.291)Mm -hmm.JC (01:00:59.725)Hmm. Mm -hmm, mm -hmm.JC (01:01:07.186)Yeah. No, it's fine. Yeah.Divia (01:01:09.239)I really do do it a lot, but it doesn't feel automatic to me. And I think when I ask other people, they're like, no, no, it's just super automatic, which is maybe how I feel again about like turning off the sink when I've done or like flushing the toilet. Like I don't think I ever forgot to flush the toilet. And I wouldn't be like, but I kind of want to this time. I just like do it. It's like not a thing. And so I think some people are more like that about more things in their life.JC (01:01:20.463)Right, right.JC (01:01:24.72)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,JC (01:01:30.185)But it's also like a strong incentive of like the smell of poop you want to go away or you don't want someone to see your poop or also you know like your teeth feel gross you like them to stop feeling gross and that happens cyclically every single day you know.Divia (01:01:40.501)Yeah, but for - no, for sure, but for me it's different. Like, I actually sort of think about it with the teeth, whereas, like, the other one is just, like, the flushing of the toilet, I'm like, I don't even - it doesn't even cross my mind.JC (01:01:53.298)But I wonder, mean, this is gonna be a ridiculous conversation, but like, if you just farted into the toilet bowl, you wouldn't automatically flush. You're flushing because there's an evidence that smells bad that's gonna keep smelling bad unless you flush it away, you know?Divia (01:01:56.491)That was so funny.Divia (01:02:06.231)Well, okay, so...You know you say that, but I don't think it would require extreme effort for me to sit on the toilet and not pee.JC (01:02:18.608)Even if you didn't really have to go? Like even if you just peed, if you sit back on the toilet right away, you will pee again? Hmm.Divia (01:02:20.313)Correct. all... Basically, yeah. I mean, if it was literally like 10 seconds ago, like not exactly, but I would also like, it just comes up so rarely. I'm like, why would I ever do that?JC (01:02:32.666)Mm -hmm. Well, toilets do be for peeing and pooping, you know? It's not somewhere you're just gonna hang out and read a book without thinking you also have to pee or poop, you know? Not a very comfortable chair.Divia (01:02:38.243)Yeah.Divia (01:02:42.773)Anyway, all right. Sorry. So part of the reason I was getting into this is I do, I guess, I do wonder if this explains some different in parenting philosophy because parents, I think many seem to have the model, at least how they talk about it. Like, I just like force my kids to do the things and then that'll just be automatically what they do. And I'm like, I don't know, that didn't work for me. It never has really worked for me in any. And I think my kids are at least kind of like me. And so.JC (01:03:01.618)Mm -hmmJC (01:03:09.629)MmDivia (01:03:11.201)That's one reason it doesn't appeal to me very much. Unless, I guess, unless it's about something very, like it's true that that is probably more the sort of rhetoric. If my kid was like, but I don't want to flush the toilet. I'd probably be like, look, just do it. Like, just do it. And then it'd be done. I probably would be more like that. And if they didn't, then I would just do it and whatever. Like, I don't know. But it does make me wonder if that's like a material difference in why people do things differently.JC (01:03:23.912)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.JC (01:03:34.898)Hmm. Yeah, I think a lot of people are not very thoughtful about why they do the things they do. I feel like, you know, I always joke like the motto of America should not be E Pluribus Unum. It should be I never think about that. Because like every motherfucker you talk to, you're like, but what about this? And they're like, I never think about that. And you're like, this is why we are where we are. Because nobody's thinking, you know? And it's like, I feel like I think more than.95 % of people, it doesn't mean that I'm better or smarter. It's just that I'm thinking about these things. Because everybody I talk to, I'm like, but what about this? And like, never think about that. I've never thought about that. How did you even think of that? You know?Divia (01:04:10.657)Yeah, OK, so all right. So I also, I think I'm thinking a lot. Let me, one of our things on our ideas for what to talk about is, so we both did go to Harvard and one might think, that's like a place with a bunch of people who really like to think. I think that's sort of true and it's sort of not true. what's your, like, I don't know, what do you think about that?JC (01:04:14.461)Yeah.JC (01:04:19.015)Mm.JC (01:04:24.5)Mmm.JC (01:04:30.46)Well, I always say some of my favorite people in the world to talk to are people who went to Harvard because there's just some quality of the conversation that I just don't experience with people who didn't go there. I don't know if it's just like people of a certain intelligence level in general, and then plus the added familiarity of like, we both have a shared experience in a shared place or whatever. yeah.Divia (01:04:53.787)wait, just to check though, do you mean like if the person went to like Princeton, you're like, no, doesn't count.JC (01:04:58.512)No, no, no, I'm saying any highly intelligent person, and I feel like I've not met somebody from like a Harvard or Princeton or Stanford or whatever level institution or just somebody who's very smart in a certain way where I'm like, this person doesn't think, you know, I can't think of an instance where I've interacted with somebody that seems to be highly intelligent or have some kind of pedigree of like, I am smart, you know, where I'm like, this person is not smart at all, you know.Divia (01:05:09.176)Yeah.Divia (01:05:14.179)Okay.Divia (01:05:24.429)Yeah.JC (01:05:28.818)But so you're saying, your original question was, do I think everybody from Harvard tends to think kind of deeply about things?Divia (01:05:32.791)Yeah!Divia (01:05:36.323)Yeah.JC (01:05:40.712)I mean, it's funny because I'm...Divia (01:05:43.171)YouJC (01:05:44.274)You know, the person that I had the conversation where he was like, why is my friend mad at me for being absent from her life? It's like, I don't think you'd be thinking ho. Like, wow, that's a dumb ass thing to say. But also it's like, it's just a different conception of friendship of like, there is no expectation and I owe this person nothing. That's what friendship is. And it's like, you're wrong, or at least you and your friend have a different conception of it and you're not even thinking about that. And I find your actions pretty thoughtless and pretty selfish, you know?Divia (01:05:49.805)That was, yeah, right.Divia (01:05:59.586)Right.JC (01:06:13.63)But anyway.JC (01:06:18.482)Hmm, I guess, you I think the reason I think so much is that I have a lot of time and space for it in a way that other people don't, or I make time and space for it, where it's like, instead of packing my life with like work and family and this and that and whatever, it's like, I have hours every day to just go take a walk by myself and just think, you know? And I think a lot of people don't either make that space or have that space. And that's something I thought a lot about is like,Divia (01:06:44.643)ThankJC (01:06:45.116)I think I have more time and space to think than the vast majority of other people because other people pack their lives with s**t that makes it hard to think. And it doesn't occur to them to think about stuff, you know?Divia (01:06:53.817)Sorry, it was just funny to me. again, he'll probably never listen to this, but I was talking to my nine -year -old the other day and he was like, he was like saying something to me and I'm like, but the middle of something and he was like, it doesn't look like you are in the middle of something. And I was like, no, but I'm like thinking about something. And he was sort of like, and I was like, you realize like basically all of the time I'm thinking about something. And he was kind of like, no, I didn't know that.JC (01:07:11.805)HahahaJC (01:07:18.804)That's funny. Do you think he's a thinker?Divia (01:07:23.713)Yeah, yeah, no, I think so. But like, I don't know, people, like, especially kids, don't often necessarily spend a ton of time about, what other people are doing in their own heads.JC (01:07:31.346)Right, right, right, right. Do you feel that your kids are like going to be well prepared for going out in the world?Divia (01:07:41.817)Who knows? I mean, I hope so. I think some of them, I'm more like, yeah, I think we're probably, yeah, I don't know. I hope so. I'm trying my best. think certainly we're doing something pretty non -traditional, but like honestly, don't, it's not so much I'm like, my thing, I think it's definitely gonna whatever. It's more like I'm like, well, the traditional thing I think doesn't necessarily prepare people either. So kind of a low bar maybe.JC (01:08:05.876)Mm -hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is your, like, do you have an expectation or a hope of, each of them will leave the home by 22 and support themselves and, live in a certain way and whatever, or is it just, like, as long as they're alive and happy, I do not care about anything else?Divia (01:08:24.725)Look, I definitely want them to be able to support themselves for sure and have jobs and stuff and I talk to them about that. I don't personally, at least like not currently, I'm currently not like and I hope they leave the house. I'm currently more like and I hope they stay in the house if possible. I mean, probably not, but like my guess is that I'm going to be more enthusiastic about them staying longer than they are.JC (01:08:30.366)MmJC (01:08:40.87)Hmm... forever?MmJC (01:08:49.192)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.Divia (01:08:49.773)Which is, I don't know, that's what my mom always said to me. She was kind of like, hope you live here forever. And then eventually I left and... I don't know.JC (01:08:54.47)Interesting. Yeah, no, it's funny. It's funny to me how many parents seem to be uncomfortable with like the nature of like raising the baby birds and then letting them fly out of the nest, you know, like they're like, well, no, but the baby bird should stay in the nest. And it's like, not really. They're adult birds now. Yeah.Divia (01:09:06.399)But I don't think it was... No, no, no. Okay. That's not what I think. I don't think it's that they're uncomfortable with it. I'm just like, I like them. Like, I like having them around. And like, in some cultures, it's normal for kids to stay with their parents longer if they want to. I don't know. I really don't think it's uncomfortable with them leaving. I'm more like, it just seems cool. If they want to be there. I don't know. For the same reason it's... Yeah, I don't know. That's how I see it.JC (01:09:14.386)Mm -hmm.Mm -hmm. -hmm. Yeah.JC (01:09:25.8)Mm -hmm.JC (01:09:30.674)Yeah. No, it's interesting. you know, something I think about all the time and talk about a fair amount is like, I love New York and I want to be here, but I also specifically do not want to be very far away from my parents, especially as they get older. I feel like, you know, I'm uncomfortable with that. I, it's like, you could say whatever you want to say about it, but it's like, I feel...a sense of duty and care towards my mom, especially because she's on her own and she's in this stage of her life where she has helped greatly by having a family member nearby, me, who will go over and help her when she needs it. And my dad is partnered. it only occurred to me recently, like, good God, thank God for my stepmom because she can take care of my dad and I can take care of my mom. And I don't have to take care of both of them because she's there.Divia (01:10:05.005)MmDivia (01:10:13.24)Yeah.Divia (01:10:21.347)MmDivia (01:10:27.214)Yeah.JC (01:10:27.484)And if my mom had a caring partner, I would be a little bit more off the hook, but she doesn't. So I do have to step up because I do care. So it's interesting to me, and I don't know if you want to share any thoughts about this or whatever, but how many people are like, nope, gotta go. And it's like, yeah, but your parents are getting really old and they're really far away. And it's like, well, I gotta go. it's like, think there's like, yeah, there's nothing like.Divia (01:10:33.389)Right.Totally.Divia (01:10:50.423)No, I hear you.JC (01:10:52.968)wrong with that? Because I feel like there is the thing of like, we should all be free to live our own lives. And I feel like you put a person in the world to allow them to live their own life. And that could mean that they go halfway across the world and never see you again, because that's their life that you gave them to live. But as I don't know if we were talking about this before we started recording or not, but the whole thing of, we have this culture now where it's so the norm to like,move for school, move for a job, move for a partner, move for a life circumstance, move, move, move, move, like not necessarily be close to your family and your people and your hometown and whatever. So I don't know, do you wanna share any thoughts about like your decisions to go far away and how that's been?Divia (01:11:32.749)Yeah.Yeah. Yeah, obviously I did move and I didn't think I would. Like, I always thought that I would stay in New York and if I had kids, I'd do it in New York and that's what I thought. But then and I think there's like more than one way to tell any story, including this story. Like I moved to San Francisco to try to work on a startup with some friends. I didn't really end up doing it. They did whatever I in my.JC (01:11:57.385)Right.Divia (01:12:00.899)personal narrative, this sort of, at least one of the moments that I was like, I'm gonna go there. I was working, so I did move back to New York after college and I was living with my mom and I had various jobs and things and at the time I was working.JC (01:12:10.44)MmDivia (01:12:19.073)I like, it's actually, at first I was working for the mom of a friend we went to school with, but then I quit that job and I was doing some other stuff, some like programming type stuff. Anyway, I remember I was watching a video of the C -Studying Conference. don't know, do you know what C -Studying is? Because of me. Yeah, yeah, of course, right. Anyway, and I remember just like, and I've been reading, I sort of had finally found the part of the internet with the people that were like even more like me, like the.JC (01:12:35.154)Hmm. Well, because of you, yes.Divia (01:12:48.193)rationalist, transhumanist, libertarian, whatever, like those type of people. Like I found some of their blogs and stuff. And I was watching the Ceaseless Conference and I was kind of like, I have to go there. Like that's where they all are. Like that's sort of my, those are like more like my people. And not, I'm sorry, not like more like my people than my family are. Like I don't mean it like that at all. Like my family are my people in a totally different way. But like that's where I could find intellectual connection.JC (01:13:03.998)Hmm.JC (01:13:11.207)MmDivia (01:13:16.375)And I did, and it was like not even close. And to me, this is sort of, guess it makes sense to me you would have emphasized different parts of it, but I'm like, yeah, I went to Harvard and like everyone was really smart for sure. Especially like, I don't know, I mean, or like especially in a particular way, like everyone I met in computer science department, I'm like, wow, your mind is like really impressive. But my experience there was that most people didn't really care about ideas.JC (01:13:34.963)Mm -hmm.Mm -hmm.JC (01:13:46.388)So what do you mean by that? Like they just wanted to absorb information but they didn't want to create ideas or like?Divia (01:13:51.577)No, I don't know. like, and I really like no shade on anyone. Like I think people should do what they want. But my impression of most of the people I knew from Harvard was more like they care about their thing and being successful at their thing. And when we went, did you go to the 10 year reunion? You did, right? I think I saw you there. Yeah. That was the only one I went to. And then I guess the COVID messed up the anyway.JC (01:14:05.99)Yeah. Yeah.JC (01:14:10.962)Yeah, the 15th reunion was a trip. my God. I could talk to you about that, but anyway, go on.Divia (01:14:15.161)Okay. Yeah, anyway, I remember meeting up with everyone and I was sort of like, okay, like everyone seems cool more than I thought everyone has succeeded.JC (01:14:28.424)Hmm. You didn't expect.Divia (01:14:30.285)Including it with, no, no, I just didn't think about it one way the other and like sort of including it like the different things. So then he's like, well I make like a zillion dollars in an investment bank. I'm like, okay. And somebody's looking, I'm like the best at making these particular types of weird art installations in the world. And I'm like, awesome. so, like, I don't know. It's just like what they wanted to do. It seemed like they mostly had gone and done it, which I don't take for granted when I meet people in other parts of my life that if they're like have some crazy thing they're really into, then they're going to really go do it. But I feel like the Harvard people mostly did do it.JC (01:14:58.462)Hmm.Divia (01:14:59.181)I don't know if that's, again, you may have had a different experience. That's sort of the general vibe I got from the reunion. But then when I sort of ask people, it seems like there's some activity that rationalists are usually up to that's like a certain type of like trying to make sense of everything in the world. That like the people I know from Harvard just mostly weren't that into that activity.JC (01:15:15.123)Hmm.JC (01:15:19.152)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. I mean, yeah, rationalists definitely seem to be like a different breed than everybody else, you know? And I feel like, yeah, there's a lot of Harvard people where it's like, I'm just going to have the conventional picture of success. I'm going to get married, have children, make a lot of money, buy a nice house, you know, like...Divia (01:15:24.707)Yeah.Divia (01:15:36.505)Also, sorry, like, I think you, like, from your angle, it would make sense. You'd be like, they're gonna get married and have children. And I'm like, yeah. And you know what? At the 10 -year reunion, it seemed like I was the only one with kids. Because I think, again, I had it earlier. And they're like gonna have children at the exact normal time for like our social class and culture and whatever.JC (01:15:53.812)How old were you when you had Lydia then? guess 27? No. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because...Divia (01:15:57.273)I was 28, which is not even late. And I was one of the first from the school we went to growing up too. And there were, I think there were two other people that had kids before I did there.JC (01:16:09.96)Yeah, was Maxine and Liz. W? -huh. -huh.Divia (01:16:14.905)Yeah. Mm -hmm. think so. Unless I'm missing somebody. But I, and again, I'm like, and the depression I got at the time when I got pregnant when I was 27 is people were like, my God, that's so early. And I'm like, is it though? Is it though? No, but like it's, I guess so, but yeah.JC (01:16:28.668)Yes. For our cohort, yes. Yeah. I mean, feel like one of the... Or they're trying and failing because it's too late. Biologically, it's really difficult. That's an interesting thing that I'm witnessing right now is people's really horrible fertility journeys that are really making them suffer as late 30s and early 40s people.Divia (01:16:38.593)And now everyone has kids, it's true. Basically. Yeah, there's some of that. Yeah.Divia (01:16:53.891)Yeah.JC (01:16:58.244)And yeah, and also the whole thing of people kind of realizing like, God, maybe this isn't gonna happen for me. And like, what do I do now? Cause like that was the plan and it's not gonna happen for me. And I'm kind of as a child free person who loves their friends and wants to keep time with their friends. It's like, I want my friends to be happy and get what they want. And I feel terrible for people that are like, I want a child desperately and it's not gonna happen for me because I think about for myself. Like if somebody told me like,Divia (01:17:08.865)Right. Yeah.JC (01:17:27.824)something has changed, like, you know, if I lost my singing voice, it's like, it would f*****g suck. Like, I want to sing and my body may not let me and that would really suck, you know? So I definitely feel for them, but the selfish part of me or the part of me that's like, yeah, but how does this affect me? Is like, I hope that in five years, if it hasn't happened for people, that they've made peace with it and they're gonna move on and not have kids, you know? And we can just put this to bed, you know? Because again, it's like, I wish thatDivia (01:17:31.159)Right. Yeah.JC (01:17:58.13)I just wish that we lived in a way where whether you have kids or not, you can show up as a friend, but we don't live in that world. It's like even without kids, people can't show up as friends. But with kids, it's so much harder for many people to show up as friends, which is why I really appreciate that I can talk to you and that you do keep space for friend talks. But also I have an assumption with five kids, it's like, don't expect that of you. And I don't know, is it, know.Divia (01:18:25.917)But it's like, okay, that said, like, I don't have a job. So like... No, it is a lot of... Yeah, no, no, absolutely, and I don't want to be dismissive, but I'm like, at the same time, like, almost everybody has a lot of commitments in their life. I don't know, I don't...JC (01:18:29.076)But you'd be like, five kids. That's like six jobs. You do have the job of mother and homemaker and that's like, know? Right.JC (01:18:44.552)Mm -hmm, mm -hmm, mm -hmm. But I feel like there's this idea or just this reality that when most people who have kids have them, there just isn't space in their lives for their child -free friends anymore because the adults they're socializing with are their partner, their family, and other parents, because they get their kids together and do kid s**t. And then there's just nothing left for anybody else because they're exhausted.Divia (01:19:05.698)Yeah.JC (01:19:12.914)So it totally makes sense, but I've always taken it as like, I know it's not personal and it's not about me or any of their other friends that don't have kids, but it is this kind of statement of like, hey, my life is moving in a different direction, goodbye, you know? And it's like, what if I said, know, it's like, feel like something I say all the time is like, I designed my life to have time and space and flexibility partially so that I could see other people.Divia (01:19:13.495)Yeah.Divia (01:19:28.131)All right.JC (01:19:38.002)and I feel like nobody else did that, so maybe I shouldn't have done that, but I didn't know nobody else was gonna do that. So I did it because I wanted to see people, and now I can't, because nobody else did it, so now I'm like, okay, I guess I should take my time back and go work or go travel the world or do whatever, because nobody wants my time. So I guess I'll take it back, you know?Divia (01:19:38.519)Okay.Divia (01:19:56.257)It is, and everyone, it's, I don't know, the whole thing seems tragic to me because again, like everyone said, not everyone, but so many people say they're lonely, including people with kids say that too.JC (01:20:00.254)Mm -hmm.JC (01:20:04.484)Mm -hmm, mm -hmm, mm -hmm, mm -hmm. But it's like, okay, but if you never call me, and I'm not saying you, I'm saying like my friends with kids, it's like, you know that your buddy JC has asked you a trillion times to talk and hang out. You know that, you know I don't have a partner, you know I don't have kids, you know I have a flexible schedule. I have shown up that way throughout this entire friendship, and again, I'm not saying you and me, I'm saying me and these people. And so it's like, you know, but again,Divia (01:20:10.541)Yeah. No, I know.Divia (01:20:28.91)Yeah.JC (01:20:32.148)being number 697 on the priority list. don't, you know, it's like, I don't think of everybody all the time. So I shouldn't expect that all my friends would think of me specifically, you know?Divia (01:20:39.577)I guess, no, but there's something, it's... And I don't know, like, I definitely have a category in my head that so many people are in that's like, okay, this person's flaky. And you're not. Like, it's not, and I think that flakiness is not mostly about, like... I mean, to be clear, it's great about being proactive, but I think it's pretty, like, there's so many people I know that they can tell me, like, I'm coming over to hang out in a couple hours.JC (01:20:50.374)Mm -hmm. Yeah.Divia (01:21:09.217)And I'll be like, meh, better not make any plans around that.JC (01:21:12.943)Mm because you know they won't show up or they'll show up way later than they sayDivia (01:21:14.945)Or they might, or they, who knows? Like, they might show up. I'd usually be like thrilled if they did, but like, but I can't, and sometimes I've, yeah, and they're like, like I do try to, like I think it's better for them if I don't count on them at all, because then I'm not resentful, but it definitely is like a different sort of relationship.JC (01:21:21.374)MmJC (01:21:33.63)MmJC (01:21:37.244)Yeah. And this is why we need direct communication where like somebody should say, I have this idea that I would like to come over, but I don't know if I can follow through. And then you can be like, okay, well, I'm leaving my house at 5pm. So if you're not here before then, I'm not going to see you. And that's it. You know, like this wishy washy b******t is insane.Divia (01:21:51.033)Yeah, and I don't... There's something I don't... I mean, I can try to like inhabit the space, but I think I don't really relate to it that much. I mean, I don't know. I definitely like, I don't know. Last night I was like, yeah, I think I'll probably be free at seven. And then like my food was late and I was free at like seven ten. And I'm like, yeah, I probably should have said like probably by seven fifteen because like half the time something happens. But I think it's... I don't know.JC (01:22:13.257)MmJC (01:22:22.492)Yeah, I'm always thinking like, what can be done about this? Like I've said often, like, if there was an app that would help you do all the back and forth in order to meet up with your friends, you didn't have to do it. The app would just figure out here's when JC is free, here's when Divya is free, here's a type of food they both like. Like what? I've never heard of it.Divia (01:22:39.843)But they have those apps, right? and maybe not about the food, but they have like a doodle poll and stuff for like picking times.JC (01:22:48.198)Yeah, but I'm talking about, know, like it would have to be so beyond that because it's like, is Divya in the mood to see J .C. specifically at this time? You know what I mean? And then it's like, will she be somewhere in town where she can go to this restaurant and not that restaurant? And like, you know.Divia (01:22:56.855)yeah, fair enough, yeah.Divia (01:23:02.177)Okay, so this is like, if we have AI assistance, maybe. I do wonder if that's where the world is going, that like in a couple years, everyone's just going to be like, have your eye talk to my AI and it'll set us up. Yeah, maybe.JC (01:23:12.606)I mean, maybe, but also I feel like I wouldn't be surprised if people start to create new paradigms of like, you know, the old way wasn't working, here's how we're gonna do it going forward, where it's like, we need to make communal living structures. know, people need to make peace with the fact of like, no, you're not gonna move six times for your career if you want quality relationships. You're gonna live in your intentional community and you're gonna stay there.and you're going to work remotely if you have to or whatever, you know, like, and not in terms of coercion, but just in terms of people realizing like, it just doesn't work.Divia (01:23:40.483)We did it.Divia (01:23:44.02)Yeah,But the thing is, is that, and this is, think, my top question is, like, but is that what people would really choose if they had the choice? I can't tell. Yeah.JC (01:23:54.672)some people, not everybody. know? I think, well, you know, yeah, it's hard to know what people would do under ideal circumstances because we'll never have that. Like, you know, I was saying to my cousin earlier today, like, a lot of the people that I know who identify as introverts who like quote unquote hate people, I wonder if they would feel that way if they were relaxed and not stressed out and like provided for.and got to choose who they spend time with. Yeah, yeah, and got to choose who they spend time with instead of spending at least 40 hours a week with people they don't care about and who they find kind of annoying partially because they spend 40 hours a week with them, you know, doing something other than socializing, you know? And I feel like a lot of people who are like, when I get off of work, I don't want to talk to anybody. It's like, well, that probably wouldn't be true if you had not spent your day with people you don't like doing things you don't want to do, you know?Divia (01:24:17.185)Right. much of it is like anxiety, basically?Divia (01:24:29.111)Right.Divia (01:24:43.137)Yeah, and I also wonder, like, so this is another... I think I was... It's probably in some ways just me being slow, but also like maybe a real difference or something.When I was maybe like 25 or so, I was hanging out with one of my friends and she asked me, she was sort of like, like she asked me something and I was like, what are you gonna talk about or whatever? And she was like, I wanna talk about the thing, whatever the thing is that's actually on your mind. Like that's what I would prefer to talk about. And I was kind of like, whoa, I don't think anybody, like never occurred to me that anyone would be interested in that.JC (01:25:12.733)hahaJC (01:25:17.02)instead of just like having a thing they wanted to talk about whether you wanted to or not or something.Divia (01:25:21.599)Or like, and I don't know, like she probably just managed to say it to me in a way that I really heard it. But like, instead of just talking about what's normal or like some sort of more obviously approved topic, like, I don't know. And so I think like, I do also, and I think like, whatever, like Will is actually introverted.JC (01:25:30.696)or like what's going on or.JC (01:25:44.464)Ew.Divia (01:25:44.595)people don't know it. That it's interesting. People think he's an extrovert and he does make plans and he knows more people than I do. But anyway, I think real introversion is a thing. I also unfortunately, and I let's talk to people even before it occurred to me that I like it was more possible to talk about the things that were really important to me. But then that's and again, this is like a big discourse too. There's likeJC (01:25:57.218)Mm -hmm, unfortunately.Divia (01:26:13.901)How do you get past small talk versus people being like, no, no, we need small talk. Small talk is great. How arrogant of you to think that you should skip it. Whatever. There's like a whole thing, but.JC (01:26:18.098)Mm -hmm.JC (01:26:21.446)Yeah. I mean, people have all these ideas about what's allowed and what's not allowed. And like, you can ask people real questions. You know, it's like I do it all the time. And then people will be like, Whoa, that's kind of deep. And I'm like, but I always give people an out. I'm like, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but I'm interested to know blah, blah, blah. And I find that when I say that people just tell me the answer. Nobody has ever been like, I don't want to talk about that, but they could. And they're not coerced. They're like, wow. Well, yeah, here are my thoughts. And I'm like, great. We're in it. You know,Divia (01:26:29.763)Yeah.Divia (01:26:34.381)Yeah.Divia (01:26:43.565)Yeah.JC (01:26:50.632)But you know, it's like, there's lots of, like, it's funny. I feel like one of the most frequent exchanges I have with my mom is her saying, well, I wonder about this, but I can't ask them that. And I'm like, you actually can. You're just telling yourself that you can't, or you don't know how to ask it in a way that's gentle and thoughtful. But like, people want you to give a s**t, and they often want to share if you give them a safe space to share, you know?Divia (01:27:02.849)Right?Divia (01:27:11.885)Yeah.Divia (01:27:17.965)Yeah.JC (01:27:19.166)So I recommend that people ask what they wanna ask, just be gentle and thoughtful about it, or like read the room if it's like, obviously somebody's not in the mindset for it, then don't, but like.Divia (01:27:20.665).Divia (01:27:24.451)Well, and also, like... When, as you say, it's like with the other thing, like... And if people actually don't want to do that, then probably better to find out now, because...JC (01:27:34.238)MmDivia (01:27:36.673)I do want to this sort of relationship. there's some people that maybe, they're part of my life for some instrumental reason. I just want to, like, keep the piece or something. But mostly if I want to hang out with someone a lot, I'd rather it actually be interesting, including for me.JC (01:27:48.668)Mm And also, like, I always wonder how, like, if you're somebody who thinks you can't ask people anything, how often are people walking away from an interaction with you being like, I told her I had an illness and she had no follow -up questions? What the f**k? You know? Like, I said that because I wanted her to say, like, I'm so sorry. What happened? Are you okay? And she just didn't. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. I mean, there's, you know, it's like, it's, you know, different strokes for different folks. I think there's people who are veryDivia (01:28:08.291)Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.JC (01:28:17.908)private and enigmatic and whatever. But I find that I think probably one of the reasons that I have a lot of friendships and that they all feel pretty good is that I will ask people stuff and they feel comfortable sharing it with me and vice versa.Divia (01:28:35.949)Yeah, like somebody just tweeted something that was like, when I die, like, I'm gonna try to tell them to put the cause of death in my obituary. She's like, but because don't people want to know? Like, why doesn't it just say? Right?JC (01:28:44.48)Yes, I have to say that's one of my social taboos that I'm like that has to go. The whole died suddenly s**t. It's like go f**k yourself. Of what? What the f**k did this person die of? Because it matters and I wanna know and if you don't tell me I'm gonna wonder about it for the rest of time. And there's no f*****g reason for that. Just say like s**t happens, you know?Divia (01:28:53.153)YouDivia (01:29:03.533)Yeah, I don't really get it either. I can understand like some things are maybe a little sensitive, but usually it's not. Usually it's like, was it a crash or was it cancer or was it like, or did they kill themselves? And that's very sad, but still we should know.JC (01:29:11.891)Yeah!Yeah, and it's like, I'm sorry, it's something that happens every day. It's not a stigma, like a stigmatized thing. Like it shouldn't be. It's like, sometimes people do that. And you know, it's like, I just feel like it's an illness in society to not talk about stuff because it's like, that's how we got to this place of like, everybody's experienced, you know, abuse or this or that or trauma, but nobody talks about it. And then it's like, people continue to be victimized because nobody knows how to protect themselves because nobody talks about what they've been through and how it happened and whatever.Divia (01:29:18.701)Yeah.Divia (01:29:23.105)Not very much anyway. Yeah.Divia (01:29:36.664)Right.JC (01:29:44.956)You know, so it's like, feel like the reason why younger generations are like so much more savvy is because they're growing up in a time where they can hear hundreds of people talk about the most taboo s**t anytime they want. You just Google search it, YouTube search it, yeah. And then like somebody will tell you the gory details of what happened to them. And then you learn and you recognize how to keep yourself safe more often, you know?Divia (01:29:57.195)Even the internet, yeah.Divia (01:30:03.193)Let's show.Divia (01:30:07.107)Yeah, it's so wild. Like, I remember this stuff as a kid being like, I want to the answer to that, but I'm scared to ask. And it was like really like basic stuff. Like I remember as a kid, I kind of wanted to know how it worked with like bubble gum. I'm like, but how do people do that? But I felt embarrassed to ask anyone. One of the things I know, but I just, seemed weird that I, and I think the top thing that I was missing was that like, no, you can't just blow a bubble with any gum. You need bubble gum. I thought you could just blow a bubble with any gum.JC (01:30:13.246)Mm -hmm.JC (01:30:21.556)Hmm. Hmm. Even though there's like nothing taboo about that.JC (01:30:37.576)like what would be an example of gum that you can't blow a bubble with just like a tougher gum that's not less elastic? I don't know. think I could imagine that that likes Yeah, I could imagine that that like very natural gum at the checkout line at Whole Foods is not one you can blow bubbles with, you knowDivia (01:30:40.491)so maybe you can. Maybe I'm still wrong. I don't know. I didn't really chew gum,Yeah, I think so. Anyway, just like random stuff like that that I'd be like, anyway, and we should probably wrap up pretty soon. like, just like, I sort of just wish I could have googled all that stuff.JC (01:31:02.492)Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Yeah, the kids today have no idea how good they have it.Divia (01:31:04.153)But I will say something, I keep meaning to like contact her and go tell her, but like a friend of mine when I was 13 at summer camp really helped me with this because there was something that like the popular kids in our bunk were talking about. And she was just like, she just asked them, she was like, what are you talking about?And I remember going to her later and be like, you're not supposed to do that. It's like weird. It's like socially, whatever. And she was like, however, I want to know the answer. Therefore I should ask. And I was kind of like, you know, I never really thought of it that way. And you really know, this was, this was summer camp. You. Yeah. It could have been at summer camp. Yeah. No, you did once you went to that Italian summer camp.JC (01:31:27.881)Yeah.She sounds like me. Was it me? And I just don't remember it? Yeah. Right. Well, I don't remember anything, so I could have been there. I'm kidding. I do know that I didn't go to summer camp.yeah, but that was one month in senior year. So it's like, if I was a child, I certainly was not at summer camp, you know? Yeah. And I always joke, it's like, you know, the one time I went to a summer camp, I came back and 9 -11 happened. So don't go to summer camp.Divia (01:31:48.407)Yeah. For sure. Yeah.Divia (01:31:56.665)yeah. Yeah, I guess we're just on the anniversary of that. Happy 9 -11? Yeah, something like that. It's so weird.JC (01:32:01.332)I know happy 9 -11. Yep, I say every 9 -11 where there isn't a 9 -11 is a happy 9 -11, you know? And the weather's great. Is that where we want to wrap up?Divia (01:32:09.825)Yeah, yeah, that's true.Yeah? Anyway, all right. I think so. I guess I will just say in closing, I don't know, I sometimes fondly think, like I had, you know, I had a couple pretty good friends when I was a kid, but you were, you were definitely one of them. And we, you were like the original person that I would argue with. I think, right?JC (01:32:28.681)Mm -hmm.JC (01:32:34.004)You were the original person that I felt close to and you're like, you're the original person that I would fight with because you're f*****g annoying. No, I'm kidding. Yeah. Hmm. I mean, I don't remember, but sure.Divia (01:32:37.369)I did feel close to you. No, no, no, not like that. No, like about ideas, right? No, we would. No, we, okay, well we did. We would talk about math homework. We were talking about like different things, but like, I, there's a certain type of way I like to talk about ideas that's like somewhat more combative and a lot of people aren't up for it, but that's, at least that's how I thought of it is that you seem like you were basically.JC (01:32:57.458)Mm -mm.JC (01:33:01.458)Yeah, no, I love talking to you and talking about s**t, you know, and I'm down, I'm down, you know? Mm -hmm, yeah, we had good times. All I remember from the early days, yeah, I only remember from the early days concretely as your purple confetti glasses in kindergarten, which I think you said, no, that was first grade or whatever, but.Divia (01:33:04.567)Yeah, like we talk about politics and stuff. I know, it was fun.Yes, I'm glad you came.Divia (01:33:16.215)Yep. Yeah, I didn't have glasses in kindergarten, that's true. Did not have glasses in kindergarten.JC (01:33:21.32)Did not? There was never a PG pre -glasses Divya, a PGD.Divia (01:33:27.117)But that's the thing, we didn't know each other in kindergarten, so that's why you think that probably.JC (01:33:31.249)Yeah, but I think in the womb you had tiny little glasses on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, you I'm down for a part two if you ever want to, but I also understand if you need to diversify your guest lineup.Divia (01:33:33.689)In some spiritual sense, probably,Divia (01:33:42.947)Yeah, no, you can come back on. we should stop for now, but everyone should go check out J .C.' podcast. I'll leave it in the show notes. Anything else?JC (01:33:51.24)Yeah, I'm at jccassis .com, JCCASSIS .com and then also at JCCASSIS on social media except for Instagram, which is jc .cassis and risk is at risk -show .com or at risk show on social media.Divia (01:34:02.702)YouDivia (01:34:08.089)like you do this. And if anyone lives within 10 blocks of JC and isn't flaky, maybe be friends.JC (01:34:09.374)It's almost like that.JC (01:34:14.898)Right, and I'm not gonna tell you where that is, because it's the internet, basically, you know, whatever. If you meet me, you meet me, it was meant to be, and if not, you know, then I guess we'll never meet. All right, thanks for having me, bye.Divia (01:34:17.589)Exactly.Divia (01:34:22.329)Alright, talk to you soon. Bye. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mutualunderstanding.substack.com

Jessica Ocean is on X, as is her husband Malcolm Ocean. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mutualunderstanding.substack.com

Divia Eden and Ben Goldhaber of Mutuals interviewed me about what I’ve been thinking about over the last 5 years. Below is a lightly edited transcript of our conversation. (Link to audio on Youtube with clickable timestamps.)Topics discussed include:* what religion and spirituality might have to offer moral philosophy, AI alignment, and AI coordination* Christopher Langan's theory-of-everything, the Cognitive-Theoretic Model of the Universe, and how it might provide coherent intellectual foundations for synthesizing the metaphysical claims found across religious and spiritual traditions* speculations about non-naive interpretations of "the afterlife" * my interpretation of the Second Coming of Christ as a potential self-fulfilling prophecy, along with speculations about what it might look like* what embodied cognition means to me, and why it's led me to have longer AGI timelinesTable of contentsShow Notes[0:00] Introducing Alex[1:51] What is metaphysics?[2:54] Tenuous metaphysical assumptions behind the is-ought problem[4:43] Alex's AI alignment journey[8:30] Healing infant trauma – Alex's first formative spiritual experience[10:25] The relevance of spiritual experiences for moral philosophy[12:34] Convergent philosophical views among religious and spiritual traditions[14:43] Alex’s take on Buddhism[16:19] Mathematical formalizations of truth, goodness, and beauty might essentially coincide[18:21] Alex’s take on Christ’s crucifixion[20:14] Alex’s first "direct experience of God"[22:23] Psychological distortions as a central problem in AI alignment and AI coordination[25:18] A secular lens on spirituality – addressing psychological distortions[28:53] Introducing Chris Langan and the CTMU[29:41] How Alex got interested in the CTMU[32:48] Alex attempts to summarize core ideas of the CTMU[35:25] Alex’s ITT-passing habit[37:15] On Chris Langan’s political views[39:08] Metaethics from UDT and the CTMU, pt 1 – acting from behind the universal veil of ignorance[40:03] Logical time and the "lazy evaluation" of reality[41:31] Spirituality vs the orthogonality thesis[46:19] Metaethics from UDT and the CTMU, pt 2 – elaborations on "ethics as self-interest"[48:15] Speedrunning the AI "danger zone"?[49:20] Metaethics from UDT and the CTMU, pt 3 – "we are all one"[50:52] "Reincarnation" and "the afterlife"[54:53] How might information get transferred across lifetimes?[58:17] Is love a spandrel?[59:18] "Reincarnation" and "souls"[1:04:56] Karma[1:06:47] Overt physicalist vs subtle physicalist vs non-physicalist explanations[1:07:36] Cross-lightcone effects of prayer via influencing wave function collapse[1:10:18] The physicalism null hypothesis, pt 1[1:11:19] Cross-hemisphere remote healing with ayahuasca?[1:12:13] Learning from "plant spirits"[1:17:22] The physicalism null hypothesis, pt 2[1:19:45] "The afterlife" as already happening, but occluded by psychological distortions[1:23:37] The CTMU as an articulation of the metaphysical a priori[1:24:54] CTMU vs Tegmark IV vs ultrafinitism[1:26:19] The Distributed Second Coming as a self-fulfilling prophecy[1:30:26] Synthesizing the world religions with each other, and with science[1:31:35] AI coordination – the Second Coming as the prevailing of the "Schelling coalition"[1:33:31] AI peacemakers, for empowering human peacemakers[1:35:24] Cellular intelligence, "embodied cognition", and AI timelines[1:42:05] Transformative AIs may not outcompete humans at everything[1:43:04] Is the "AI" part of "AI alignment" a red herring?[1:45:16] ClosingSubscribe for upcoming pieces about related topicsShow notesDouble-crux: a conversational technique for arriving at mutual understandingPaul Dirac on truth and beauty: “If one is working from the point of view of getting beauty into one's equation, ... one is on a sure line of progress.”Eliezer’s LessWrong comment about a superintelligence stably believing that 51 is prime: https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/Djs38EWYZG8o7JMWY/paul-s-research-agenda-faq#:~:text=E.g.%3A%20Eliezer,ounce%20of%20understanding Reincarnation book that Alex recommended to Divia: https://www.amazon.com/Lifecycles-Reincarnation-Life-Christopher-Bache/dp/1557786453 Universal Love, Said the Cactus Person: https://slatestarcodex.com/2015/04/21/universal-love-said-the-cactus-person/ Ayahuasca retreat centers where Alex "interfaced with plant spirits": https://templeofthewayoflight.org/ and https://niweraoxobo.com/Metareligion as the Human Singularity: https://cosmosandhistory.org/index.php/journal/article/view/694 Michael Levin interview excerpt about cellular robustness, from 1:25:15 -1:27:08: [0:00] Introducing AlexDivia: Today we're here with Alex Zhu, whom I've known for a long time. I think I met you almost a decade ago? Alex: That sounds about right. Divia: Yeah, Alex is currently working full time. You have an institute now, you just said? Alex: Yes. Divia: What's it called? Alex: The Mathematical Metaphysics Institute.Divia: Okay, the Mathematical Metaphysics Institute, which makes sense, because Alex has been interested in AI safety for a long time, but then it seemed like part of where you ended up with that was that the insights that the different religions and spiritual people had seemed super relevant to AI safety.Alex: That's right. Divia: And sort of diving into that, and… your views have evolved and changed, certainly over the time I've known you, and now you have an organization there.Alex: That's right. Divia: And you certainly have a really strong background in math as well. I don't know to what extent you've been formalizing things recently, but I imagine that as always something that's on your mind. Alex: I was very good at math competitions. I am not very good at creating new formalisms, but I am good at learning existing ones and trying to synthesize them, and taking vague, handwavy ideas and expressing them in these formalisms. Divia: Cool. I’ve wanted to have you on the podcast for a long time, because I feel like we tend to have conversations that I find really interesting, and you haven't written a lot of it up, so I was hoping that maybe more people could hear some of what's been on your mind.Alex: Thanks! I appreciate that. Divia: And we're here with Ben too. As a little bit of context for our listeners, I recently moved and had a baby, which is why we haven't had a podcast recently, but we're hoping to get back into putting them out somewhat more regularly than we were. Ben: Yeah, absolutely. And I'm very excited that we're chatting with Alex, who –  for context for our listeners – I know far less about his work than Divia does, which is also very exciting (A) for me to learn, and (B) for me to play the role of the audience when I get to ask stupid questions.[1:51] What is metaphysics?Ben: Like for instance, when we talk about metaphysics, I have some idea of what this might mean, but is there a good definition? How do you operate with this? Alex: I used to think it meant abstract nonsense philosophy that is fake and completely irrelevant for everything. I now think of it as – there are a bunch of very, very basic questions, like "What is an object? What is an observer? What is existence?" that are basically bottlenecking the other fields of philosophy, like epistemology and metaethics. And that there are real and important questions here that are also tractable. Ben: One of our previous guests, I think it was Ben Weinstein-Raun, talked a little bit about metaethics. And the way I think about this is like deciding which ethical framework you're going to follow. Is that what you mean by it, when you talk about how metaphysics interacts with metaethics? Alex: I was thinking of it more as, how do you ground ethics? If there are a bunch of different ethical frameworks, how do you pick one over the other? [2:54] Tenuous metaphysical assumptions behind the is-ought problemAlex: Like, the is-ought problem is considered super fundamental. And the way I think about it now is: actually, our default intuitive conception of "is" has a bunch of metaphysical assumptions baked into it, that like, if you take them out, the is-ought problem as it naively appears isn't actually nearly as strong of a force as it might seem.Divia: Can you name some of the assumptions? Alex: Yeah, like that there is such a thing as an "is" that's independent of any observer. Divia: Right, I see what you're saying. Alex: And so if you take the view that all "is"s are part of observation, and all observations are part of conscious beings, and all conscious beings by necessity have some implicit "ought"s that are related to their existence at all, then… Divia: Interesting. I like that. What I thought philosophers meant by the is-ought problem was that they didn't see a way to derive an "ought" from an "is". Like, you can say a bunch of things about "is", but then, how could that ever possibly imply anything about what's good? Ben: Ah, okay, okay. Alex: It's the strongest argument for moral anti-realism that I'm aware of. Divia: Yeah. And maybe we discussed this with Ben Weinstein-Raun on our podcast too, but I'm often not quite sure what people mean by moral realism and moral anti-realism, not because I haven't read the definitions and googled about it. I think I basically am familiar with the definitions, but I often get the sense when I have conversations with people that there's something I'm missing about what they mean, which kind of reminds me of what you're saying. Alex: I share that view, by the way. I cringe a little bit when I call myself a moral realist for basically this reason. Like, if someone asked "Do you believe in God?" I would cringe for a similar reason because there's just so much that's loaded in that word. Divia: Right. Ben: Right. [4:43] Alex's AI alignment journeyDivia: Okay. Can we take that as a jumping off point? I mentioned this in the introduction, but can you maybe say in your own words what your path has been in terms of caring about AI safety and then looking to different spiritual traditions for insights and how you've related to that, especially recently? Alex: Sure. When I was 14, I was thinking about what I wanted to do when I grew up. And I just listed a bunch of big ambitious things, and on that list was building superhumanly intelligent AI. And then I noticed that if I did that one, I could do all the other things on that list. That was when AI first became interesting to me. I think AI alignment first became interesting to me when I went to SPARC, the Summer Program for Applied Rationality and Cognition, which was basically my first deep immersion in the ideas of the rationality community and AI alignment. I think I always thought of it as probably one of the most important problems out there, and something worth dedicating your life to, but also pretty far away.I went to SPARC in 2012 and I basically held this view until about 2017, when people I trusted were like, "No, actually, maybe it might not be far away. It might be coming in 10 years." And I was like, "Wait a minute. These are smart people I respect. And I should be at least trying to figure out whether they're full of s**t, rather than just cordoning off what they're saying and just continuing to do what I'm doing." So that was when I went full time into exploring the world of AI alignment. I spent a lot of time then trying to think about AI timelines and double-crux with people who had long timelines and short timelines to try to really understand where people's models were coming from. And around this time I also went around trying to talk to all the leading AI safety researchers from the different research camps, like people at MIRI… I talked with Paul Christiano a lot, I talked with a bunch of the safety researchers at DeepMind… and a bunch of the people who were like, yeah, maybe we can actually get reasonable global coordination around AI, and here's how we're thinking about it. And I felt like I got up to speed with what people were thinking about around then. This was like 2017, 2018. And I basically walked away with the conclusion that no one was really directly addressing any of the actual biggest, thorniest questions underneath either technical AI safety or AI coordination. And, in parallel, I also started exploring, I don't even know how to describe it… "woo" / spirituality-type things…  Divia: Like circling? Alex: Yeah. Circling, CT charting from Leverage… I talked to Leverage people about CT and learned… Divia: Yeah. For our listeners who may not know, this is called connection theory. Geoff Anders came up with this, I think before he started Leverage actually, but it's a theory of psychology he has. There are parts of it that I end up referencing myself, for sure. It includes such things as that people have a number of intrinsic goods that they care about for their own sake, and it's a constraint of the theory that people need to believe there's a path to achieving their intrinsic goods.People could also look at some information online about it if they want to, but anyway, it's a psychological theory. Alex: Yeah. For me, the object-level details don't even really matter that much. The thing that I got most from it was watching how people who believed the theory thought in terms of it, and were able to come up with explanations for things, and help me understand myself in ways that I wasn't previously able to.I felt like I picked up a bunch of valuable tacit implicit models from their tacit implicit models, that were wrapped in this package they called connection theory. But in any case, I was basically learning that psychology was a thing, and that I could refactor my psychology.[8:30] Healing infant trauma – Alex's first formative spiritual experienceAlex: And… the first time I had a sense of, oh wait, maybe something in the reference class of spirituality might be crucial for thinking clearly about AI alignment and addressing the biggest problems there, was when I was working with a bodyworker, and I was just expressing to her that I felt small and I wanted to curl up into a little ball and cry. And she suggested that I do that, which I found very surprising, but then I did that and she sat next to me and started holding me like a baby. And as she was holding me, I basically felt like I was a baby again. When I access memories of being a kindergartner, I have a sense of what it's like to feel smaller – my limbs are smaller and stuff. In that particular moment, I had a sense of being really, really tiny, with really tiny limbs. Basically, no conscious thoughts at all. I was just like a reflex bag, and there was this deep, deep, deep sadness that I was carrying that was coming out, that I felt like was being released.When I regained consciousness, I had the sense that there was this weight I'd been carrying on my shoulders my whole life that I was no longer carrying. And, not literally my whole life, but definitely at least for as long as I've had episodic memory. And so, it expanded my concept of what conscious experience could be at all. Like, I just discovered that there were new degrees of freedom in what consciousness could be at all. I also, in that same session, could suddenly feel my body a lot more, and suddenly just understood what people meant when they were like, "Alex, you're in your head all the time." And I'm like, "Ah, yeah, compared to what I'm feeling now, I was in my head all the time." And I also just started being able to emote more, and use hand gestures more, in social interactions afterwards.[10:25] The relevance of spiritual experiences for moral philosophyAlex: And so, the reason it felt relevant was because it seemed to me like any actual account of human values, or how to think clearly about ethics, would be incomplete if it didn't take into account that there were experiences like this.I basically made the update of: people's endorsed values and ethical positions might rest on psychological wounds they've had before they developed episodic memory. And therefore, any complete account of what the good is, or what it is that humans ultimately value, must also take into account that there might be distortions of our judgments of those things that were laid in place from before we were conscious. And so I was like, wow, very interesting! This seemed like such a huge, massively important fact about the world that seemed basically almost completely unknown by most of the intellectual elite that I'd encountered before.And then I remember talking to a meditation coach [Michael Taft], and I was just like, man, this just happened to me. And he was like, oh yeah, that's a thing. The Buddhists have known about this for thousands of years. They didn't call it infant trauma because they didn't have a concept of trauma. They thought of it more as like evil spirits leaving your body, but this is really what they were referring to.And I was like, "Very interesting!" And then I just talked to other people in my circles who thought it was a thing, and they were like, yeah, that's a thing. And all of these people were really into spirituality and thought there was something to religion. I felt like I was graced with this surprising experience that almost nobody has – that, in particular, most of the intellectual elite don't have, that's clearly crucial for understanding a bunch of really important philosophical questions – that a bunch of people in spiritual traditions are familiar with, and furthermore, they tend to have, at least of the ones I talked to, fairly convergent philosophical views. And so I'm like, okay, that's really interesting! Let me try to understand them. And, maybe the solution to all the biggest questions of AI alignment and AI coordination are actually just sitting under our nose, but just not legible to most people who haven't had these kinds of bizarre experiences. [12:34] Convergent philosophical views among religious and spiritual traditionsBen: What are some of these convergent philosophical views?Alex: So, first I'll caveat that I'm filtering this through my understanding, and this isn't necessarily a good representation of what representatives from various different traditions actually think. But, one that I'd say is that the true and the good are actually the same thing, and to the extent that they [appear to] differ, it's actually because of psychological distortions we have [such as trapped priors, and ignorance of dependent origination].Divia: Which is kind of the opposite of, like, you can't derive an ought from an is. Alex: Yes. Divia: So, having acknowledged that we think it's sort of a problematic term, that they were moral realists was a convergent philosophical position. Alex: Yes. There's a way in which every religion is kind of moral realist – Follow God! And the prophets tell you how to follow God. Divia: Right. Alex: And there's a thing where everything that is, is God's will, and what is true is what is, and what is is God's will, and therefore it's good. Ben: My immediate reaction to hearing this is thinking about the parallels to the famous physicists saying about, um, beauty and elegance being heuristics they use for figuring out whether or not a physics insight is true, or something around like… God I wish I remembered the actual quote, I'll find it and link it in the show notes, but like, that, and some deep appreciation for aesthetics, having insight or truth– Divia: Truth, beauty, and goodness, those are the three, right? Am I right that that's Plato? I'm not actually sure. In my head it is.  Ben: I think so. Yeah. Divia: Yeah. And I mean, certainly what comes to mind for me there, and this is a topic that I have, I've been pretty interested in over the past few years, like in contrast to, presumably, the orthogonality thesis. Which is something that comes up – there's a weak version and a strong version – but basically the idea that an AI could sort of have whatever values and that we shouldn't really assume that there would be much relationship between its capabilities, and its intelligence, and what it cares about.Alex: Right.[14:43] Alex’s take on BuddhismDivia: Okay, so there are a bunch of different directions… I don’t know, I think I get, talking to you I’m like, ah, there are so many interesting things we could talk about. But one of them is, since I've known you, you've then gone and tried to investigate a bunch of different religions, and talk to leaders and practitioners of these religions and draw out a bunch of different insights. And it seems like you think that there are a bunch of convergent things, and that there are particular strengths of different religious traditions. Is there anything that you can maybe say about insights you've gotten from Christianity, Islam, Buddhism… and how they relate to each other?Alex: Sure. I kind of think of them as different articulations of the same core message tailored to different cultures and time periods. And so the kinds of things they emphasize are different across each. What I get most from Buddhism in particular is clear metaphysical views, metaphysical insight, and all their instructions on meditation. Buddhism as a religion is basically like, here are instructions for attaining mystical insight, and I'm like, yup, I'm really glad that exists. Divia: Have you meditated a lot yourself? Alex: Yes, but not that much in Buddhist traditions. But I have learned a lot talking to people from Buddhist traditions who really grok the metaphysical insights because they're part of a tradition that keeps it alive. I think the people I've talked to who seem to most deeply grok the metaphysical insights on an embodied level are hardcore Buddhists [like Soryu Forall from MAPLE].Divia: Who have meditated a lot. Alex: Yes. Divia: Yeah, that makes sense. Alex: And they're part of a continuous lineage from however long back. [16:19] Mathematical formalizations of truth, goodness, and beauty might essentially coincideBen: Sorry, but I'm super curious about this now, as I'm trying to think through how I would relate to this… I guess I can think of things that I feel are beautiful, but not good, and I'm feeling like I'm probably missing something here, but I'm like, I don't know… some beautiful flower that's poisonous if I touch it, or something like that. This is such a naive take on my part, but can you just speak more on what you think of this relationship between true and good and beauty?Alex: Yeah, I think my position is: if we were to ultimately understand what each of these concepts is really trying to point at, then we would see a convergence, but also, I think our everyday understandings and usages of these concepts are pretty far from what I'm calling the ultimate versions of these concepts.Ben: Okay. And to tie this into your points on meditation, or something about Buddhists having it deep in themselves, is it some way in which when you sit with some of these ideas longer, they become less confused, and you're more able to orient to them correctly? Alex: Yes. Although the way I would put it is like, if we were to ground them in as non-confused an ontology as possible – if we found a mathematical theory of metaphysics that was rigorous, in the way that calculus was rigorous and formalized the field of natural philosophy – I think the concepts of true, beauty, and good within this mathematical metaphysics would essentially coincide. Divia: I don't know, my own take when I think about the flower that is beautiful but poisonous, is that there’s something that seems important about the context. Like I'm reminded of what Alex was saying about observers and their values, where I'm like, if what I saw is somebody about to eat the flower, is that still beautiful?I don't know. I think I don't like it. But like if I saw it in some context where somebody got to look at it, but there was no danger, then it actually does seem more beautiful… also kind of a shallow treatment of the subject, but… [18:21] Alex’s take on Christ’s crucifixionAlex: I do appreciate that concretization, and I think a pretty good segue to what I get from Christianity. There's a way in which Christ is like, "Yeah, me getting crucified? That's good. I'm being tortured to death because I'm being scapegoated and publicly humiliated. And you know what? That’s good. "I asked God [my deepest sense of truth and goodness] if there was any alternative to this, and God was like, nope, this is the thing you should be doing. And I was like, all right, I'm going to go do this and it's going to be really hard."But even while I'm doing it, I'm going to be radiating out in my consciousness that there's no resentment; I forgive everyone who's crucifying me. What's happening to me is a central example of what anyone would normally intuitively consider bad, evil, worthy of punishment, unworthy of acceptance or forgiveness. And I'm just going to totally upend that in my own consciousness, radiate that out to everyone in public, and have that reverberate for thousands of years for the rest of humanity."That is my headcanon for what happened with Jesus. I do not actually know if he actually existed. Not a crux for me! Divia: This is maybe a response to a conversation Alex and I have had a number of times, where I'm like… but do we even know for sure there was a historical Jesus? And you're like, that's not the point. Alex: Yes. Divia: Whether he did this or not, there's something about the archetype. Alex: Yeah, I think there was definitely a meme that got created that is extremely powerful and captures extremely deep truths.Divia: Right. And the sort of narrative account as described in the Bible of it happened exactly like this isn't the point. You think that, clearly, because Christianity has had the impact that it has, there was something archetypal that that got in there. Alex: Yes. Jesus is an inspiration for me, especially for how I should show up in interpersonal relationships. [20:14] Alex’s first "direct experience of God"Divia: You weren't raised with much religion, right? Alex: That's right. My parents were always like, this never made sense. I would talk to other kids at school, and I'd be like, this doesn't make much sense. At MIT, I would have interfaith dialogues where I'd be like, this doesn't make sense, here's why I think this doesn't make sense.Divia: Interesting. I didn't know, I mean, I guess that tracks that you would have gone to the interfaith dialogues. That’s pretty cool to hear. Ben: Was there a singular moment for you where this changed and it started to make sense, or was it more gradual? Alex: In my… I think my second ever ayahuasca ceremony, I felt like I got a direct experience of God, whatever that means. What I can say was that it was awe-inspiring, and that when I looked at religious texts afterwards, their usage of the word "God" made a lot more sense to me. Divia: Yeah, it's, I like that you put it that way, because it's sort of tricky, from my perspective, to operationalize what it even means when people talk about believing in God or not. But that's something concrete, where like, you can read the sentences with "God" in them, you can be like, oh, there's something about that that makes sense, whereas before you were like… what?Alex: Yeah, before I was like, I have no idea what you could possibly be even trying to say with this, besides Interventionist Sky Father, which is clearly fake.Divia: Right. And yeah, and it's not so much that you've updated your position about the Interventionist Sky Father. Alex: Definitely not!  Divia: But that, now you're like, okay, I see what they could mean. And why someone might write these things and expect other people to have some experience that's worthwhile reading them, something like that.Alex: Right. When Jesus was like, you need to leave your family for me, it just reads as super narcissistic. But after the experience, I was able to understand God as this hybrid of true and good that… I don't understand yet, but have some sense that maybe there is some way to actually understand in principle.And if I hear Jesus instead as saying, "You need to put truth and goodness above all your familial relationships", I'm like, oh yes, of course, that makes perfect sense! That's not narcissistic at all! That's just straightforwardly true. [22:23] Psychological distortions as a central problem in AI alignment and AI coordinationDivia: Yeah. And can you help tie this in again to how this relates to the AI stuff? Because I think I've heard you say a lot of things about, I don't know, the centrality of addressing cognitive distortions, and how spirituality from your perspective seems to be a lot about that. Alex: Right now, I think the central problem in both AI alignment and AI coordination is: if someone is very distorted about what they actually want, and doesn't want to admit it, and is willing to fight with all their force to not admit it, how do you relate in that situation? If an aligned AI can tell that their operator is acting from a deep psychological wound that they're covering up, that they're trying their best to not see, should the AI just go along with what the operator is doing, or should the AI actually help them recognize that they're misguided?When I ask this question to mainstream AI alignment researchers, the answers I get are actually quite divided. A lot of them are like, the goal of the AI should be to satisfy the preferences and intentions of their operators, and if their apparent intention is to just continue with the distortion, then that's what the AI should do. And others are like, that seems bad. That seems theoretically difficult, in that it seems plausible that there might exist a theoretical technical solution to, like, how do you get the AI to help a human get true beliefs and work through their distortions? And less likely that there might exist a theoretical technical solution to, like, how do you build the AI to help them arbitrarily maintain their lies or self-distortions in the future?And the thing I find most compelling: it wouldn't be sufficient to end the problems in the world if we built AIs that were aligned with people's psychological distortions without healing them, because I think these psychological distortions are basically what's driving Moloch right now, and if we're building AIs that are just amplifying them, then we’re just amplifying Moloch.Divia: So, I mean, would you say something stronger? Like you think that wouldn't be enough to solve the world's problems, but do you also expect it to even be good? Alex: That feels a lot like asking, is having more powerful AIs around good? Divia: Yeah. Yeah. I'm curious for your view on that, for sure. Alex: I don't know. Many strong cases both ways. Divia: Sure. Alex: Like lots of people are like, yeah, maybe RLHF was bad. Because it accelerated capabilities, and I'm like, yeah, maybe you could say the same thing for intent alignment. But maybe it's good that capabilities are getting accelerated. Divia: Yeah, you think it's hard to say. Alex: Yeah. And I don't know how much I actually buy the argument about RLHF being bad because it accelerates capabilities, I'm just using it as a comparison. Divia: Sure. [25:18] A secular lens on spirituality – addressing psychological distortionsAlex: And so I think the question of, how do we relate with these deeply embedded psychological distortions that we try our utmost to not see, is sort of the central theme of what spirituality is all about, according to me. On this lens, the practice of spirituality can basically be understood from a totally secular lens of, like, hey, you have a psychology! It's got a bunch of distortions in it. There are things you can do to address these distortions, that will cause you to have more true beliefs, and be more the person you actually are! Maybe you should consider trying something like that! Ben: But you think that spirituality provides a more powerful or different frame than just a secular one, is what I'm picking up on here. There is more to this than just the secular conception of it as a useful mental trick.Alex: Yes. In particular, I think that – again, caveating that when I say spirituality, this is Alex's steelman of spirituality that he endorses, and that there are many "spiritual" people who just drive me insane when I talk to them about how they think about things – Divia: And you're not necessarily saying, I don't know, you take somebody who has difficulty in their human relationships because of distortions (almost everybody I assume), and then they start going to their local church every Sunday. You expect, like, you're not necessarily saying, oh, well, that'll for sure fix it. Alex: Yeah, I'm definitely not saying that. Divia: You're saying something more like, you think the actual wisdom seems to be there in the lineage of a bunch of different religions, and the people that know it best seem to have some embodied understanding of that, that they are attempting to pass on. Alex: And that there's a rhyme and reason behind the kinds of things they say that are not present in Scientology, for example. And I think Leverage Research missed a lot of these things, and that's part of why they imploded, for example.There's kind of a broad, high-level sense of what the end goal should be for clearing through psychological distortions, that I think is deep and subtle, and that I don't see from therapeutic traditions or cults like Scientology.Divia: But it does seem convergent across the major religions that people would typically agree are religions. Alex: Yes, I think especially among the mystic practitioners of the religions. I think the mainstream versions of all the main religions are also missing a bunch of the important stuff. Divia: But the major religions all have mystical traditions within them that you think are more convergent. And in particular, convergent in terms of, like, how a mind ought to be? Or how a human mind ought to be? Alex: Yeah, although I would frame it more as what the most relaxed, desirable, natural state of the mind is. Divia: Okay. And, I think you've already done this, but if you could try again to say in your own words, what would that state of the mind be? Alex: Basically, just embodying true equals good. Like, everything that comes up in your experience, you don't resist. Including, for example, if there's something you find aversive, not resisting the aversion either. Divia: Yeah. Something in old… I think I got this from Michael Vassar many years ago… I think what he said was something like, I'm not supposed to have preferences over the current state of the world, only over future states of the world. Alex: I have never thought of it like that. I think that resonates. Divia: Okay. Maybe a little like that, maybe not. Alex: Yeah. [28:53] Introducing Chris Langan and the CTMUDivia: Okay. So can I switch gears a little and ask you about something different, but related? Which is the Cognitive-Theoretic Model of the Universe. This is something else that we talked about some, I think I understand a little of it, but I don't really understand it, so yeah, can you tell the listeners what that is?Alex: It's this theory of everything by this guy named Chris Langan, who was featured in the book Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell as an example of someone who's very, very, very smart, but didn't have an upper-class background, didn't learn the ways of the elite, and therefore didn't find much success within his lifetime. He's also been on the news a couple of times, billed as "America's smartest man!", "Man with the world's highest IQ!", or something like that. [29:41] How Alex got interested in the CTMUAlex: And I was always curious about it when I heard it mentioned, and it never made any sense to me, until one day, three years ago, when I got high one night and looked at the website and noticed that some sentences made some amount of sense at all, and resonated with a bunch of the most inchoate, deepest, inarticulate metaphysical thoughts I had. Divia: Interesting. Do you happen to remember which sentences? Alex: I remember there was a particular diagram… Divia: I mean, it's a hard question, because you said most inchoate, so… Alex: Yeah. And Chris invented a lot of new terms and uses them liberally in ways that I now think are very defensible and very precise. But I still think they're extremely hard to understand for the uninitiated. I remembered after that night I got high, I shared the website with a couple of friends to see what they thought. And different friends would light up at different portions of the website. And, so, I got even more curious about it. And then I shared it with one particular friend who is much, much smarter than me technically, and who has read way more philosophy than me as well, and has explored esotericism much, much more than me. And he looked at it, and he was like, "Oh yeah, this generally makes sense. Like, I've seen a bunch of these ideas before. It sounds a lot like Neoplatonism." And I was like, huh, maybe my friend here can actually understand Chris's work directly. And I asked him to review Chris's work, and he did, and he said, "That was a very dense read. It was challenging to comprehend, but I comprehend it. It's legit. It seemed very insightful, and I'm glad I read it."And then I just googled how to contact Chris, and found his Patreon, and then gave him a donation so I could schedule a call with him. And then me, Chris, and my friend talked, and Chris basically vetted that my friend seemed to get it. And then I was like… okay, this makes the CTMU even more interesting to me. Divia: Yeah, it sort of passed a bunch of checksums. Where the original round was like, a bunch of it sort of resonating with stuff that was important that you hadn't known how to say. The next round was like, your friends had similar reactions, including to parts that were not the same as each other or the same as yours. And then the final one was this guy that you respected a lot understanding it, including according to Chris. Alex: Yes. Over this time period, I would also look at other papers he wrote, and mostly not be able to understand any of it, but understand bits and pieces, and be like, "Oh, he seems exactly correct about these things in very deep and nuanced ways that I don't hear people talk about very much."Divia: Do you have any examples? Alex: He was critiquing Bohm's pilot wave interpretation of quantum mechanics in exactly the right way. That was the most salient thing.[32:48] Alex attempts to summarize core ideas of the CTMUBen: And is there also a high-level overview of what this philosophy or belief is?Alex: That's what I'm working on right now. I mean, if you go to http://hology.org, you are going to see Chris’s high-level overview, but it has a lot of words that he coined himself. And that was the thing I was initially looking at, where I was like, oh, this makes more than zero sense to me. In terms of something that can actually land with people in my circles, I currently don't have anything I can point people to. [Jessica Taylor has since published her review of the CTMU, which is the most approachable introduction to the CTMU I know of.]Divia: And, maybe just your own short description? Alex: What I'm about to say is not going to be remotely close to a summary. It is going to try to describe some of the high level ideas. One is that it's fundamentally dual-aspect monist, in that it says that neither matter nor mind is primary, and it's more like there's a third thing that's not quite both, that gives rise to both, or can be interpreted in both ways, that's the actual true ontological primitive of reality. Another is… the idea of logical time, as Scott Garrabrant talks about it, is totally central to the CTMU. Chris calls it metatime rather than logical time. And that in the beginning of logical time, there was pure potentiality – "the Godhead", so to speak – and what creation is, is this pure potentiality evolving through logical time.The CTMU also posits that conscious observers, like you or me, are sort of like holographic shards of the entire conscious entity that is reality progressing through logical time, and that what our consciousness is, is sort of our shards progressing through logical time. Divia: Yeah, that reminds me a lot of my – who knows if it even has any relationship to the real thing – understanding of the Hindu myth also.Alex: Yes. One way I describe the CTMU is that it's the best synthesis I've encountered of all of the metaphysical claims across all the spiritual traditions. Divia: Is he also a scholar of religions? Alex: He is actually a genius according to me. And he knows a lot about religion. I ask him a lot about religion, and he’s like, "Yes, this is how you understand it in terms of the CTMU! Very straightforward. Those guys were smart and onto something, but I figured out how to fill in the details." And I'm like, "Wow, you actually did. Thanks, Chris. I appreciate you a lot."[35:25] Alex’s ITT-passing habitDivia: Yeah, cool. Another thing also that I think is a pretty strong thread in how you relate to things, which is sort of coming up here too, is that I think you… I don't know, rationalists talk about steelmanning a lot. Like, taking an idea and trying to imagine the strongest possible version of it. But I feel like you do it more than most people, in a different way from most people, and this is pretty central to what you're up to. Does that seem right? Alex: Yes. Divia: Want to say more about that? Alex: When I'm around other East Asians, I don't feel like I'm doing this atypically much. I think steelmanning is just actually a large part of East Asian intellectual culture. And even just social culture. Divia: So you think it's because you're Chinese, basically. Alex: And that I have a predilection for this, even among Chinese people. Divia: But it's more typical. Ben: In your experience, is the steelmanning that's done in Chinese culture explicit or implicit? Like, is it explicitly restating a belief in as strong as possible terms? Or do you feel like this is more of a norm that people have in how they react and relate to each other? Alex: It's more like, I think in East Asian cultures, people have way wider error bars on what other people mean. And so they are not fully willing to critique or dismiss a position before they can pass that person's ITT. Ideological Turing test.Divia: Meaning, being able to state their belief back to the point where they're like, yes, that's what I meant. Alex: Yeah. Divia: Yeah. I appreciate very much the way you have, for example… like when you got interested in AI safety, you did go around and ask all the people what they thought about all the things, and try to make sense of that and synthesize.Alex: Yeah. Divia: I think it's, I don't know. I certainly want more of it. [37:15] On Chris Langan’s political viewsDivia: Also, just sort of, I don't know, to check a box or something… if people look up Chris Langan on Wikipedia, under his views section, they'll be like, ah, these are some far right views. The CTMU is obviously not about that, but… anything you want to just fill in for people that might be curious about that part of it? Alex: Yeah, I think people largely associate Chris with his political views now, which is… Divia: Yeah, I didn't actually realize this. I'd only heard of him in the context of talking to you, and I had read Outliers, but then I looked him up on Wikipedia. and I was like, oh, okay, that's there. Alex: Yeah, his political views are extremely offensive to the mainstream, and also I think not what he fundamentally cares most about. What he cares most about is people understanding his theory, but most people don't understand his theory, but they can understand his political views, and that's why he gets associated with it. I basically never talk with him about politics. Sometimes he expresses his views and then I ask for clarification for where he's coming from, and I'm like, oh, I get where you're coming from. I can empathize. I don't agree, but that's neither here nor there.When people bring up his political views, I often mention that Heidegger was a Nazi, and that doesn't mean his philosophy should just be dismissed outright. I don't think Chris is remotely a Nazi. In my personal interaction with him, he's been a wonderful person. He's been kind and generous with me, and I respect him personally. People also often ask: if someone has views like this, why should we trust their alleged spiritual insights? And my sense is that Chris is truly, earnestly doing the best he can to live in a way that's kind and compassionate to everybody, to live from behind the veil of ignorance as though everyone else's suffering and joy were his own. And he has the best theoretical explanation of why one ought to live this way out of anyone I've talked to. [39:08] Metaethics from UDT and the CTMU, pt 1 – acting from behind the universal veil of ignorance Ben: And can you say more on what this theoretical justification is? Or, I'm curious… I think I get a little bit more now of what you're pointing out with the philosophy, but how does this translate into this "why be good" question?Alex: A short version is something like, we're all "children of God", in the sense that we're all logical descendants of "the one Godhead", and we should all act in the way we would want to act behind the veil of ignorance. And behind the veil of ignorance, we share an identity with everybody. And this bit about, like, we all ought to act the way we would act behind the veil of ignorance… I mean that, from certain updateless decision theory interpretations, it's actually in your best interest selfishly as an agent to act in that way. Not, like, you're being a good boy.Divia: Separate morality juice. Alex: Yeah. There's not separate morality juice. [40:03] Logical time and the "lazy evaluation" of realityDivia: Yeah. And do you wanna say a little more about what you mean by logical time? Alex: The best example is Newcomb’s paradox, I think. Which, by the way, Chris Langan wrote extensively about in the ‘80s or ‘90s. His analysis of it was like, to understand this, you need to be thinking in terms of simulations, and you need to have a different notion of time, which is basically MIRI’s take on it now.I think one of the apparent paradoxes with the setup of Newcomb's Paradox is that somehow the contents of the opaque box are physically determined already – in temporal time, they're already there. You can't cause what was physically past to be different from what it is. But there's another sense, in which the contents of the box "come after" what your decision is. And this notion of "coming after" is my preferred pointer or gateway into the whole concept of logical time. Divia: That makes sense. So it’s like, "come after" in terms of, that it caused it.Alex: Yeah, for some notion of causality that's different from the usual physical notion of causality. One analogy I found from David Bohm… he gave an analogy once about how reality can be thought of as being like a painting that gets filled in brushstroke by brushstroke, where the usual physicalist interpretation is like, you fill in one vertical row of pixels of the painting, and then from that, you get the next vertical row of pixels.And the order in which the painting gets filled in roughly corresponds to the kind of thing I mean when I'm talking about logical time, or metatime. Divia: And by the painting, you mean like, everything that we… Alex: Reality as a whole. Everything in reality. Divia: Yeah, there's definitely something about that that I find intuitive, though I also find it hard to put into words what I even mean by it.Alex: Uh-huh. Chris has put it into words, but the words are hard to understand. Divia: I mean, it reminds me a little of like, lazy evaluation in programming. Alex: Yes, it does feel a lot like that. Ben: Mmm. Can you say a little bit about lazy evaluation? Divia: Oh, sure. I don't even remember… some of the functional languages do this, right? Like, Haskell does it? Where, if something is… Alex: Things only get computed once they're referenced. Divia: Yeah. And by reference… I mean the reference thing is sort of interesting. Like, referenced by what?Because in the Haskell program, I think I understand it! You run the program in a way that's pretty easy to understand with temporal time, and it's going to produce some outputs, and then, that's what it means by "referenced". Whereas in this case, I'm like, yeah, until it's referenced. But then I'm like, well, what exactly do I mean by reference? I don’t know. Alex: Yeah. I’m also confused about this point. Divia: It also reminds me of like, there's moral realism and then there's mathematical realism too. But what exactly does that mean? But it seems important for sure. Like, and I think the thing there is like, do mathematical facts exist on their own, before something’s referencing them? And it seems like he's saying no, basically.Alex: Yes. Or I mean, it's complicated and I intend to ask Chris about some nuanced questions there. Divia: That makes sense. Alex: Yeah. I mean, ultrafinitism is like, these extremely large numbers that we’re never actually going to be able to reference directly, maybe don't actually exist in some relevant sense of "exist"... is a position that I'm very open to and care about understanding better. It’s one of the things I intend to ask Chris about in a future call. [41:31] Spirituality vs the orthogonality thesisBen: One thing I wanted to jump back to is something Divia brought up at the start, which I feel like if I understood this topic better, I could make some great pun about logical time or time, whatever.The orthogonality thesis. Which often is shorthand for, like, intelligence and values don't have to be aligned. Like, you can have very smart things that might end up having very different values than humans. And this is plausibly a problem in an AI alignment context. One of the things that I'm trying to predict here from what we're talking about is like, maybe there's some implication of… well, maybe actually the orthogonality thesis is wrong, that you would expect intelligent agents to be descended from this same Godhead. Is that true? Alex: The orthogonality thesis. My first thought is that just like markets can stay irrational longer than you might say solvent, I think intelligences can get powerful sooner than they become moral enough to realize that they shouldn't kill everyone. Even though there's a sense in which I no longer believe in a strong form of the orthogonality thesis, there's still a weak form that seems pretty real to me.Basically, I would say like, yeah, it no longer seems plausible to me that a paperclip maximizer could tile the universe with paperclips thinking this is what it actually truly cared about, without first realizing that it was confused and that there's some morally real thing that should be done instead. But I do still think it might kill us all before it realizes this.Divia: That it shouldn't have done that. Alex: Yes. That being said, like… an analogy I use is that I don't think a superintelligence could stably maintain the belief that 51 is prime. I think Eliezer… disagrees about this?Divia: I think he said that in a LessWrong comment, right? Alex: Yes. And that was always extremely confusing to me. It just doesn't really make sense. It just doesn't really add up to me. You just can't fight truth for that long! Divia: My interpretation of what you're saying is that there would be some sort of complicated structure that would have to be in place for it to not notice, and then at some point you notice that structure.Alex: Yeah. Ben: I'm confused by Eliezer’s comment there as well, because I remember Nate Soares of MIRI as well – they both work in the same org – had the comment that pointed out that this is a problem for a lot of alignment schemes to count on, like deceiving the AI in some way, or getting it not to notice ways that it might become more powerful, but that an AI that is intelligent would start to notice its confusion in some way they could route around. So… yeah, I see what you're pointing at, which is just that an intelligent agent of the type that we're talking about would notice the thing with 51. [46:19] Metaethics from UDT and the CTMU, pt 2 – elaborations on "ethics as self-interest"Alex: Right. And I think they would likewise also notice that they ought to act behind the veil of ignorance for the benefit of all beings, to borrow some terminology from Buddhism.Divia: And can you unpack that a little? There's something about it that makes intuitive sense to me, thinking about updateless decision theory, but can you try to make it more explicit what you mean by it being in their selfish self-interests? Alex: If you and I are agents and we can both recognize each other as the kinds of agents who would act behind the veil of ignorance, we would coordinate with each other better and selfishly benefit from that.Divia: No, sorry. I feel like there's some component that's like, there's a practical fact of the matter, as far as I can tell, that human communication is pretty high-bandwidth. And so, in fact, in practical cases, we can't fully see each others’ source code, but people in my experience have highly imperfect, but pretty high-bandwidth, often correct impressions about things like, if I imagine you in some situation, what would you do?Alex: Yeah. Divia: And that this does make it easier to coordinate, if, when I imagine those things, it comes up like, yeah, Alex would help me, maybe Alex can tell that I would help him, maybe we help each other, that sort of thing. But like, my impression is that you're saying something metaphysically stronger, that like, even if there were no practical opportunities for two agents to coordinate, there would be something…Alex: I think it depends on what you mean by "practical opportunities for agents to coordinate". I think the same principle that causes me to be nice to ants, I think, would cause a superintelligence to be nice to us, which I think would cause a super-superintelligence to be nice to it.Divia: Right. And so it's not that you expect the ants to be able to tell that you would help them, and therefore they would help you. Alex: Yeah, that's right. Divia: The ant's not gonna help you. Not in a straightforward way, anyway. It's not gonna bring you a piece of food or something. Alex: Yes. [48:15] Speedrunning the AI "danger zone"? Ben: So is one implication that you're excited or bullish about schemes that would push AI past the "danger zone"? Where it's intelligent enough to kill everyone, but not intelligent enough to know it should operate from timeless decision theory? I'm almost being a little tongue-in-cheek here, but I also do wonder if that is an implication. Alex: Sidestepping the danger zone might be more like how I think about it. Ben: That seems wise. Yeah. Divia: Yeah. Instead of speedrunning the danger zone. Ben: Speedrun the danger zone! We're just trying to figure out how to be an e/acc podcast after all. So like, wow, let's accelerate to wisdom! But sidestepping seems wise. Divia: More de/acc than e/acc. Ben: That's it. That's right. Vitalik, please sponsor the pod! Alex: I mean, I think if it's actually easy to figure out how to do the sidestepping, then e/acc. And if it's hard, then de/acc. Divia: Something like that. With the caveat that these are all more, like, vibes-based internet memes than coherent philosophical positions, as far as I can tell. Sorry, I especially mean that about e/acc. [49:20] Metaethics from UDT and the CTMU, pt 3 – "we are all one"Divia: But yeah, I'm trying to better understand here… so you're saying something more like, you should be nice to the ants so that the AI will be nice to us, and less like, but maybe also sort of like, you just sort of also are the ants, and if you really understood metaphysics you would know that you are also the ants. Because people say that too, right? Alex: Yes. The latter feels more deeply true and the former feels like a downstream consequence. It lands to me more like "we're actually all the same consciousness" than it lands to me like "instrumentally be nice so that these other beings will be nice to you". And insofar as the latter is true, I think it's downstream of the former. The reason I described it in the latter way is because I was trying to make it more concrete from the lens of being an individual. Divia: No, that does make sense. Yeah, I guess it seems important to me because it seems like there's some… I don't know if they're edge cases or fake thought experiments, but, I mean, if Jesus is gonna die afterwards, it’s sort of not in his self-interest as commonly understood as like, you're an ego in a bag of skin, and then when you're dead, you're dead…Alex: Another thing that I think is convergent across the spiritual traditions is that… Divia: You're not the ego in a bag of skin?Alex: Yes. The thing that we think of as the self is not the ego in the bag of skin. It's not the mind and the body. Those things in fact end when you die. But you will find that that's never what you actually were in the first place. And for the thing that is what you actually were in the first place, that's where the real values live. [50:52] "Reincarnation" and "the afterlife"Divia: Do you want to say more about… certainly, the afterlife is a big topic in spiritual traditions, and at face value, they seem to say some different things about them. Alex: Yes.Divia: What do you think about that? Alex: My first thought is that "afterlife" and "God" are similarly charged for me, in that there are so many connotations people associate with them that are very different from how I think about them.Divia: Right. Okay, so if we taboo "afterlife"…  Alex: An analogy that I often hear is that, if our experience of reality were like a waking dream, we tend to identify as the protagonist of the dream rather than as the dreamer. And it's more correct to locate our identity with the dreamer. And the type signature of the dreamer isn't something that is emergent from physics. It's more like the aspects of physics that we experience are emergent within the dreamer. Divia: Which is similar to what Chris was saying about dual-aspect monism? Alex: Yeah, that's right. Chris has this term "distributed solipsism", which he says is what God / reality is. And you and I are components of this process of distributed solipsism.Divia: Okay. Alex: And, Chris's models of what happens after you die are the best, most coherent ones I've encountered. There's a book on reincarnation that I've read that I have recommended to you, Divia.Divia: Yeah. First you recommended one that wasn’t on Kindle. I didn't do it. But then this one where there was a Kindle version, I did read it. I thought it was pretty interesting, or I read the first third or so of it, and you said I got the basic idea. I could say a little more about it, but I did find it pretty interesting. Alex: Right. And so, there are a bunch of… Divia: Though it left me with some questions about what… yeah, anyway, you might be about to say that.Alex: Yeah, so there are lots of accounts from people with near-death experiences. There are accounts from the Tibetan Book of the Dead about what the life-between-life realm is like. There are accounts of people who were literally in hypnotherapy and regressed to a past life and then asked to go into the light that you go to in the death transition and then describe what they saw there.And there's a lot of mutual consistency and rhyme and reason behind what's said there, such that when I first read about these accounts, I was like, wow, it sounds not totally crazy that they might actually be talking about something at all, as opposed to not something at all. That's pretty wild. Divia: Yeah. Though I think that the weak version for me of "something at all" is that there's some sort of powerful archetype that, when people manage to access their beliefs… like there's some shared, deep, implicit understanding of something… that doesn't necessarily mean that that's what actually happens. I could try to give my model of what I thought the book said, but then I think it only makes sense when I think of it in terms of logical time, more than temporal time. Alex: Mhm. Yes. Divia: Which I assume is a feature. But then, I feel like some people who have claims about reincarnation want to claim that it adds up in a more temporal time type of way… this is the part I feel most skeptical about.Alex: Yeah, I'm skeptical of that too. I think Chris pretty explicitly to me was just like, that is a pretty naive understanding. Divia: Right, like, I don't expect to find any stories that really check out where, like, somebody was this other specific reincarnated person and they can, like, produce some sort of artifact, like they can read some ancient language or something. I don't expect to ever hear a story about that that seems true. Alex: Chris has accounts for how that kind of phenomenon could work. I think the typical interpretations or assumptions around it, I'm very skeptical of. Divia: Also like, and this is another thing we discussed in the past, but the rate of spiritual fraud is also pretty high in the world. So that's also part of what's going on. Alex: Yes. It would not surprise me if this all turned out to be fraud. [54:53] How might information get transferred across lifetimes? Divia: Okay, so can you talk me through how… like you know Scott Alexander's short story about DMT entities refusing to factor the prime number? Ben: Which we’ll definitely put in the show notes.Divia: Yeah, please do. So can you give me your account of how they could actually, I don't know, know the ancient language or whatever it is, like some sort of thing they really couldn't have known, like concrete information that got passed through? Alex: The first thing is I expect that most of the concrete information is somehow encoded in low-fidelity to begin with. Like, I think Scott Alexander once had a musing of like, how did evolution tell us to be attracted to breasts or genitals or whatever? Divia: No, I have wondered about this. Alex: Yeah. But somehow they managed. I'm like, maybe there's some similar kind of thing going on with… Divia: Okay, so can I say an aside about that though?Alex: Yeah. Divia: So, at one point it really stressed me out that, supposedly there's some thing where, like, we're more easily scared of snakes than spiders. I think I'm more skeptical about the spiders, but I believe it about the snakes. And I'm like, okay, but so like, is there some like JPEG in my DNA of a snake? What's going on here? Like, how is that encoded? I don't know, it bothers me that people seem to have not figured this out. But then my friend Andrew was like, well, look, there are some things that are easy to… his explanation, which made me relax about it somewhat, was like, the snake is one of the easier things to encode and that's why snakes get to be so poisonous. It's because we can easily encode them and know that they're scary, and so that's a part of why it all works. In the same way, it seems like it makes sense that bees are black and yellow, because… bright colors, high contrast, sort of fundamentally seems easy to encode. And he's like, yeah, it's the same with the snake. Anyway, that's my aside. Alex: That's a good point. Divia: And similarly, I think the thing with breasts is that they kind of look like eyes. Probably. But I don't know. I mean the obvious one is the peacock tail! They like it because it looks like a bunch of eyes, I think! Alex: My guess is that there are certain… it's not like there's a JPEG, but there are certain high-level features that get triggered when you visually process them, and those high-level features can be encoded pretty cleanly. It wouldn't surprise me if there were certain visual stimuli that gave people strong snake sensations, even if there wasn't a snake. Kind of like an adversarial example. Divia: Yeah, no, totally. Anyway, sorry, this is some aside about encodings of things. Okay, so you think it's possible that all of these cases are fraud, but what sort of things do you think could plausibly be encoded how? Alex: One picture that's been forming, talking with Chris a bunch… Chris describes reality as a self-simulation. He basically thinks, like, yeah, we are in a simulation, and our simulator is reality one logical time step earlier, and it goes like this all the way back to the beginning. There's a way in which the simulator needs to obey all the laws of physics, but there are a bunch of free parameters that it gets to fill in, in a way that is for the benefit of all beings, and this can affect how the wave function collapses. Chris thinks that quantum wave function collapse is pseudorandom and not actually random. Divia: And not many-worlds. That it does actually collapse. Alex: Yes. And… [58:17] Is love a spandrel?Ben: Hey, I have questions on this, but unfortunately I'm going to need to jump off shortly. Sorry, this might derail some of the quantum, which I also have questions about, but I wanted to check in on something around the topic of spandrels… which has come up, I think Divia, in your conversation with Robin, around the question of, is something like love a spandrel? Or is it something that’s more etched in the fabric of the universe, such that superintelligent agents or other intelligent beings would discover similar conceptions of love or fun that we humans have? And, so, I want to check my understanding here that this is maybe one of the core beliefs that you have, or that's being influenced by your study of the esoteric and religion?Alex: Is what one of my core beliefs? Ben: I'm sorry, core belief is probably a poor phrase there, but something around the belief that, yes, these values are not spandrels, that they are in the fabric of the universe. Something like moral realism. Alex: Yeah, the reason we have the values that we have is because we became sensitive to the fundamental structure of the universe and started trying to approximate it in certain ways.[59:18] "Reincarnation" and "souls"Divia: Okay, so Ben had to go for now, but Alex and I are going to keep talking about some stuff. So I'm pretty motivated to try to dig into the reincarnation in logical time and what that might mean. Though I do continue to be interested in what could be encoded, but maybe that's not the most interesting part of it.And do you want to try to summarize the metaphysics of what people tend to convergently report under hypnosis or near death experiences about this going to the light bit and all of that, or do you want me to try to say what I remember from the book? Alex: Why don't we start with that, and then I'll see if there's anything that feels important for me to add.Divia: Okay. If I'm trying my best to think in terms of logical time, there's some sort of process where the karma is kind of advancing from life to life. And so, they'll give an example of like, okay, a person lived this life, and then they die, and then their spirit guide will either come get them or they don't need a spirit guide, and they'll sort of review how they did in that life and what they can do better. And it could be one that's like, "Okay, cool. This is basically on track, and you were presented with these challenges and you did pretty well". Or it could be one… like, they gave some examples of somebody where the guide would be like, "Ah, you were supposed to maybe be a better person! What happened?" And not in a mean way, but in a "let's take stock of this because this is not the point of what we're doing here" type of way. There's one reading of it that's something about the continuity of individual experience that I don't know what to make of. That, I think I'm pretty skeptical of. Alex: Yeah. Divia: But something about… that there would be some phenomenology of the way that this karma kind of gets processed in at least a collective way, doesn't seem – I have some pretty panpsychist-type intuitions, I guess – and so in that sense, it doesn't seem necessarily super off to me.That was the most important thing I think I got from it. What am I missing? Alex: I mean, there's talk about an intra-life realm at all, which sounds super wild on priors under the default metaphysics. Divia: They were meeting other people that had died, right?Alex: Yes. Although, personal identity gets really strange when we start going to these places. Like, the sense in which you go into these realms, so to speak, is like… what's left of you after the body/mind/ego is stripped away? Most of us have almost no intuitive conception of what that is.Divia: Well, I mean, that said, it seems like people in many times and places want to talk about souls, and want to describe souls as something that, among other things, persists after death. Alex: Right. Divia: This is a convergent idea in spiritual traditions, right? That there is something called a soul. Yeah, what would you say? Alex: I mean, Buddhism is like, there is no eternal unchanging soul. There is a mindstream, and that thing can reincarnate, that's also the storehouse of your karma. And I'm like, yeah, that's closer to my understanding of what's going on. But I mean, you can also think of it as a soul in some ways, I think. Divia: Well, yeah, so but if you didn't use the word "soul", how would you describe the thing?Alex: I would probably just reference the Buddhist terminology for this, which I think is the most precise non-CTMU existing terminology. Divia: And how would you unpack it? I mean, I'm a little bit familiar. I've tried to look this stuff up sometimes, but I don't totally know what the Buddhists are trying to describe either.Alex: I mean, they make a distinction between the mindstream, which I think is just the flow of consciousness through logical time, and a stable unchanging self, which in some sense their whole deal is about seeing through. Divia: You don't have a stable, unchanging self. Alex: That's right. Although I think there are some schools of Hinduism that are like, actually your true self is this mindstream type thing, which is different from your body/mind/ego thing. And so you should recognize your true self, lowercase self, to be this big uppercase Self, which is a totally different type signature from how you were thinking of things before. I understand it as different terminology to try to refer to the same general thing. Divia: I feel like the most mundane thing that I know how to say about this is, I think many people come to realize that, okay, what they care about is not just exactly their body and their conscious experience persisting, but things they care about persisting. Which is, I think, in some sense, actually pretty obvious. Like, me as a teenager who was trying to be consistent in a particular type of way, was like, wait, do I care about anything outside my conscious experience? I think many of us sort of ask this question. But it's like, well, yes. I think the answer to that is obviously yes, and there are things where almost anybody would be willing to trade off some amount of life for some amount of other thing they care about. Even people that claim to be as selfish as they come. And so in that sense, I'm like, okay, that's maybe a very elementary understanding of why I'm sort of wrong to just think about myself as caring about… like, I'm not really a hedonist or something like that. I don't only care about how pleasurable my moment-to-moment experience is. But I would personally like to better understand what you mean by the mindstream. Alex: Me too. That's one reason why I engage so much with Chris. This is one active area of confusion for me. Divia: Okay. Okay, well, let me try to articulate some of my questions better, and then you can see what you think. Alex: Sure. [1:04:56] KarmaDivia: So, the idea that karma is kind of a coherent concept is maybe one thing. I live my life in a particular way, or anyone lives their life in a particular way, and then the world is kind of different afterwards. And some of that stuff could be, I don't know, maybe some of it dies when they die, like that information wasn’t… My best guess is that it is best understood in pretty mundane ways of information transfer, like I live my life, but then maybe I write some of it down, maybe other people see me, and ultimately that information propagates, and so everybody who encounters me is a little bit different because they knew me.And in that way, sort of, the plot advances. And that's what it means that there's this thing that happens where some karma was processed through my life. Alex: There's a lot of resonance there. The picture you're describing sounds very physicalist-compatible, in a way that I think is good. And also, I’ve been coming to think that if you actually want to understand karma completely and exactly, such that, for example, what goes around does in fact come around for the relevant zoomed out notion of personal identity that isn't localized to a single material lifetime, I think you need a non-physicalist understanding of karma for those kinds of things to work out.I think what you described is part of the picture. One metaphor that I use, that I still wouldn't say I quite understand, is that there might not be obvious material traces of the life you lived left in the world, but "the simulator", so to speak, still remembers every single detail of what transpired in your life, and every single detail affects how the simulator decides how the rest of the simulation runs. This ties in with the quantum wave function collapse thing that I was gesturing at earlier. [1:06:47] Overt physicalist vs subtle physicalist vs non-physicalist explanations Divia: Yeah, and we were talking about this the other day, where in many ways it seems to add up to something similar, whether there's like, I don't know, maybe three different categories: legible physical effects, like the one where, I don't know, I wrote a book and some people read it. And then there are subtle physical effects, which many people seem to think are important in many cases. I can think of individual cases where they seem quite important, like maybe I entered some room and nobody said anything, but there was some subtle body language thing, there was an exchange, and now, something happened there.And you're like, okay, but you think there's something that's neither of those, that's the thing you're gesturing at with "the simulator remembers". That you would not ever expect to see something that violated the laws of physics, but you think it's underconstrained. [1:07:36] Cross-lightcone effects of prayer via influencing wave function collapseAlex: Yeah. One way I might put this is like, if you make a prayer for someone in a different light cone, God might "hear your prayer" and affect how things unfold in that different light cone.Divia: If we try to specify what you mean by that… I think that's where I'm like, what does it even mean for me to know that there is somebody in another light cone? Like, from what stance is this even a thing, or something? Alex: Well, if you and someone started moving away from each other at both close to the speed of light, you would be in different light cones.Divia: [...] But do they even exist anymore from my perspective, now that they're in a different light cone? Alex: I think so. I mean, for me intuitively, it feels very much like that. Divia: Yeah, I guess that's true. If I imagine someone getting on a spaceship, and I'm on a spaceship, then I'm like, alright, fine, I don't actually think of that person as gone. Alex: Yeah. I'm just like, yeah, physics, as I understand it, says we'll never interact again, which means we'll probably never interact again, directly, physically. Divia: Okay. So you think that you could pray for the person in the other light cone and it might make a difference?Alex: Yes. Divia: So I, I think one thing you have said about how you came to believe this is that people you respect seem to take it seriously. Alex: For this one in particular, I'm just going off of Chris. Divia: Just Chris. Well, it is true that a lot of religious people I think also believe this. But in this case it's about what Chris thinks.Alex: Yeah, I mean they also don't talk about light cones. The stuff religious people say I think can't be distinguished from the first two kinds of things you were saying, of both overt and subtle-but-still-physicalist. I never asked about light cones. Divia: Okay, if you want a potential physicalist-compatible explanation for those, it could be that there was some subtle interaction we had before we separated that meant that you knew that I was gonna pray for you, but you only knew it because of the time we did interact. And then I didn't pray until later in temporal time, but in logical time I'd already prayed and you could tell. Alex: Yeah, I think this is actually consistent with Chris's picture of what's going on. Divia: Okay, this one seems compatible with physics, leaving aside something extra happening with the wave function collapse… I think?Alex: What's coming to mind now is that in Chris's models, how the wave function collapses is intimately tied with the wills and desires of conscious observers, which cannot be understood from a purely physicalist frame. And so, I think the way that it was already logically overdetermined that you would pray, would manifest as like, it was already logically determined that some wave functions would collapse a certain way. Divia: I have to think about that. [1:10:18] The physicalism null hypothesis, pt 1Divia: It always occurs to me, like… what is my stake in whether it's physicalist or not? And it definitely interests me. I don't know, but it causes me to wonder. Alex: As a general side note, how to be appropriately skeptical and rational while engaging with all this other stuff has been a persistent question for me.And I try to keep things as physicalist as possible as my null hypothesis. And I'm also open to physicalism as we understand it being not nearly as constraining as we think it is, or just straightforwardly being false. I feel like I don't understand either of those scenarios well enough to be like, I feel comfortable attributing any particular thing I'm aware of to those. It's more like, as I've gotten into this world, the weird s**t I see just gets weirder and weirder. Divia: Anything you can easily share? Alex: I mean, there's the not super weird stuff, like energy healing appearing to have an effect. Divia: Right. [1:11:19] Cross-hemisphere remote healing with ayahuasca?Alex: I think one of the weirdest things I've encountered is a friend of mine at an ayahuasca retreat in Peru having an experience in the DMT realm of his partner and her energy body, and him going into her energy body and cleansing something out in her heart, and then purging at the same time, as one does in ayahuasca ceremonies when you're letting something go.And his partner was in the US, and he was in Peru. And later that night he got a text from her, being like, "I just had the weirdest experience. I felt this fish-like thing swim into my chest and clear out some energy there." And I'm just like… that's really weird! Remote healing is just part of the tradition of the indigenous healers that I’ve worked with there, and I still don't really know how to relate with it, but… Divia: But it does seem like they're doing it.Alex: … they've shattered my ontology enough already… [1:12:13] Learning from "plant spirits"Alex: …the way they sing to me during ayahuasca ceremonies… these Shipibo healers [from the Temple of the Way of Light], in ceremony, sing individualized healing songs to each person, where, as they're singing, it sort of feels like they're doing surgery on your energy body.Like, they're vibrating their vocal cords in just the right ways to resonate with the precise deep blockages in your system, that you didn't even have a concept of before. And then when you ask them how they do it, they're just like, "Oh, we're not really doing it. We're just channeling the plant spirits, and they're just telling us what to do." And I'm like, what the f**k does that mean?? So then I went and dieted with a plant spirit the way they do [at Niwe Rao Xobo], to commune with the plant spirits, and I felt the presence of something in my system. Divia: Wait, so when you say that, what does that mean? With a plant spirit? Alex: Each morning I would be drinking a solution with a plant in it. And during the ceremonies, the healers would be "connecting me to the spirit of the plant", and over the course of the retreat I would have vivid dreams of a particular flavor.I would feel the presence of… in my normal layer of consciousness, like my normal "stack trace", it feels like there's another layer that's inserted in between somewhere, that causes everything to get filtered a certain way… all my thoughts feel like they get filtered a certain way, and biased in a particular direction, as opposed to how they normally would.And there was one day when there was a writing prompt to journal from your plant spirit, and I felt like I was doing automatic writing. The stuff that was coming out was not something that ego/body/mind Alex would have been able to generate. There's nothing supernatural about this, but… Divia: It's weird though. Yeah. Alex: Yeah, it is weird! It's like, wow, maybe learning from the spirit of a plant is not a type error. I experienced it, so it's not a type error. Divia: Well, so, are you able to say what you learned from the plant? Alex: There’s the feeling of unconditional love that I had during MDMA, or something. I felt like it was sort of just propagating really deep in my system all throughout.There's a sense that it sutured a bunch of emotional and relational wounds that I had with family and friends. Like I remember one day just waking up from a dream and just picturing my first girlfriend smiling widely, and me just feeling like, I'm fully healed from that breakup.Divia: Huh. Okay, so, but, if I go with it, that it was the plants… I don't know, what is plant consciousness like? What sort of things do they know, and how do they know them? Alex: There's no voice. I described it as, like, a soft, subtle presence that was there in my mind that was filtering my thoughts to bias in a particular direction.That was my direct experience of it. My sense is that there are certain aspects of their biochemistry, and how they convert energy into more of themselves, that can be transferred to… like, there are analogs of that in us, and that's the thing that we're directly learning. But, I'm just wildly speculating.Divia: Yeah, interesting. I mean, it does seem like human consciousness is pretty complicated in a way that makes it more fragile. I mean, plants are complicated in certain ways, but it does seem like a more basic thing is going on, that I could imagine getting in touch with would be positive.Alex: Yeah, I think there's basic stuff that plants do that lots of people aren't doing. Divia: Yeah, like even just like, okay, this has nutrients I need, therefore I will move in that direction. This is causing me to grow, so I will go more towards that. That, like, because humans are complicated, sometimes we end up doing more like the opposite of that. Does that seem sort of roughly right? Alex: Yeah. Divia: Okay. And your model is that the actual thing you were drinking was important. It wasn't like you imagining it being a plant was the most important part of it. Alex: Yes. An important thing worth noting is that people often describe it as, like, you're growing the energy of the plant inside of you. And as it's happening, a bunch of stuff is getting rejiggered in your system. Like, after this, we were told to adhere to pretty strict restrictions for about a month afterwards. Divia: Like, what's it like, behavioral, dietary? Alex: Diets, stuff like no sex or masturbation. And people who violate these restrictions often report feeling physiological and psychological consequences, in a way that has left me a little bit afraid of how deep along this path I personally want to go. Like when I hear about these consequences, like someone feeling like, yeah, I had to go to the hospital to get my kidneys checked out or something… I'm like, okay, something real is definitely happening! That much is clear to me. Divia: Oh. Yeah. Okay. Alex: Yeah. This was a tangent for like, yeah, transcript I've seen some weird stuff, including from the Shipibo healers, and remote healing is part of their tradition, and I'm still like… I don't know what to make of this, I still feel very skeptical, but also, after having my ontology shattered for what is remotely possible in the world enough times by this tradition… I'm just like… look, yeah… Divia: You take it seriously. Alex: Yeah. [1:17:22] The physicalism null hypothesis, pt 2Alex: And this was part of a rabbit hole from, like, yeah, I try to stick with the physicalism null hypothesis as much as possible, and sometimes I just see really weird stuff, and I'm just like, I have no idea how to explain this under the physicalism null hypothesis. I would prefer to have the possibility of some alternative explanations than to just gaslight myself, and be like, well, that didn't actually happen. Divia: Right. It causes me to think about what's load-bearing about the physicalist stuff. Cause I think there's some of it that's like, okay, are other people going to think I'm crazy if I take this seriously? And that… I mean, it does matter to me, but that isn't really how I want to figure out what's true. That seems like that's not really about truth-seeking.But then there's something else that's… maybe the way I would put it is something like, I have not personally seen any accounts that seem super credible that anything has happened that isn't compatible with physics. And if things like that were happening, then why wouldn't I have seen any? And people have answers to that, but for the most part, that seems pretty persuasive to me. But then I guess there's yet another thing, where I'm like, I get some sense of security about having some checksums, especially because people really do lie about stuff a lot. But as we've said, physics doesn't actually constrain a lot of things that people sort of often relate to it as though it does constrain. And even so, people could lie about plenty of things. It's interesting for me to notice that, because in fact people lying to me is a big problem regardless, and so I sort of have to have a bunch of strategies for that anyway. Alex: I mean, I feel like I basically held the same null hypothesis of, like, maybe everything can just be explained by physicalism. And then I had these very strange experiences, hear these very strange anecdotes, and I'm just like…  maybe that can be explained by physicalism! But I also… when they get weird enough, I start looking for possible alternative explanations. Divia: Yeah, that makes sense to me. The most compelling part about it is that we don't want to be preemptively gaslighting yourself. That seems obviously wrong. [1:19:45] "The afterlife" as already happening, but occluded by psychological distortionsDivia: Okay, let me back up a little. We got into this talking about karma and the wave function collapse. This was sort of an aside about some things. You were like, mostly I'm trusting Chris, and also, you have some experiences that make you wonder about this stuff. So, can I go back to the idea of the spirit realm, or the intra-life realm? So there are some things that, if I take them sort of at face value, like, okay, that you could then go talk to this person… again, it seems like it strains credibility if I imagine it in a personal identity sort of way, but then if I'm like, okay, but what could they mean by that, that there is some sort of communication between… this type of processing that's happening, and this type of processing that's happening… that doesn't seem obviously wrong. And then I'm like, okay, but would there be some phenomenology of it? Which, as I said, I have sort of vague panpsychist intuitions the way I think a lot of people end up with them. It's like, I don't really know what consciousness is, so maybe everything has some of it.And then I can try to refine it a little, by being like, if things are modeling themselves, then that seems like maybe an important part of what it means to be aware, and this kind of loopy thing… something like that. And then I'm like, okay, but would these experiences have something like that? I don't know, do they? Do you have thoughts on any of these random ideas? Alex: Yeah, so the first thing is, I think Chris basically thinks there's reality as a whole, and then there's physical reality, which I think Chris sort of thinks of as the surface layer of reality as a whole, and he calls it the terminal realm, and he calls the nonterminal realm the place where all the real stuff is actually happening, which has the terminal realm as the surface layer.Going with the simulator analogy, I think he describes the terminal realm as the display of the simulation, and the nonterminal realm as where the processing is actually happening. And I think Chris doesn't think about the afterlife as a place you go after you die. It's more like, when you die, you stop inhabiting the surface layer, and sort of rest back in the deeper layers where the stuff is actually happening, which is… Divia: But when you say when, I'm like… what do you mean by when?Alex: At death, all the parts of your identity that weren't the parts that were already there and causing stuff to happen from that place the whole time get dropped… I think is closer to a more accurate way of thinking about stuff. I think even Catholics say that heaven and hell is like… it's not a place you go after you die, it's the state of your soul in relation to God, which is present even when you’re alive. I think that's a lot more like how Chris is thinking about it. And it's more like, any psychological distortions that are causing you to not be in touch with that fall away. And that's what you get in touch with in the process of death.Divia: In the near-death experience, also. Because, empirically, in at least many cases, when people think they're gonna die, they do let go of a bunch of psychological distortions. Alex: In some sense, I think there's a root psychological distortion, which is like, I can't die. Divia: Fear of death. Alex: Yeah. And then, when you're directly confronted with death, it's like, oh, I guess there's no more point to all these other distortions… won't hurt to look at this point! Divia: And then you're like, okay, now I can see what I really am. Alex: Yes. Divia: So your model is that this is sort of always what's going on, that it's more real, and that in some sense it would be obvious to everyone, except for psychological distortions, which are downstream of fear of death, or like, inability to comprehend death, or something like that. And that's why people can sometimes speak about it, because it's not impossible to let go of those psychological distortions while still alive. Alex: Or to pierce past the veil, so that they… Divia: Temporarily see something. Yeah. Okay. [1:23:37] The CTMU as an articulation of the metaphysical a prioriAlex: On that note, one way I think about what the CTMU is trying to be at a type level, like… the anthropic principle tells us that, on the one hand, the fact that the physical constants seem fine-tuned seems kind of surprising, but on the other hand, it's an a priori necessity for us to even be wondering about this question, and from that perspective, it's not surprising.I sort of think of the CTMU as answering the question of, what must be metaphysically true a priori in order to support the existence of observers like us in a world that is like the one that we are in? Divia: I think I don't quite follow. Alex: I think I'm just imagining someone asking, "Why should we think this is how reality works? It sounds like you're painting a pretty specific picture of how reality works. What's your evidence of this? Why are these not just a bunch of random details that are being strung together?"And my understanding of Chris's understanding is that this picture of reality is actually the metaphysical a priori. It has Kolmogorov complexity zero. Given that we exist as observers of the world like this, if we strip away all of our psychological distortions and metaphysical confusions, we see that it actually has to work kind of like this by a priori logical necessity. [1:24:54] CTMU vs Tegmark IV vs ultrafinitismDivia: Okay, maybe this is a dumb question, but can you compare and contrast with, like, a Tegmark IV understanding?Alex: Tegmark IV treats all mathematical objects as kind of platonically existing. Including all the natural numbers, and an ultrafinitist would object to that. And I think for a good reason. And when you add in how much these structures exist… Divia: Yeah, that's where I was going to go with this too. This seems like a big question about everything existing… it seems like surely some things must exist more than other things. Alex: Yeah. I think the way Chris thinks about it, all things exist as potentiality in the pure potentiality, no constraints, Godhead thing. But actual objective existence, and the consciousness that perceives the existence of these objects, must in general co-arise. This is the dual-aspect monism part. Divia: Wait, sorry, can you say that one more time? Alex: Any object that can exist objectively co-arises with the thing that perceives it. And so, Tegmark IV in some sense does exist, but as pure potentiality. And the aspects of it that get actualized somehow depends on who the observer is, and what they're paying attention to, and why they pay attention to that, and so on and so forth. And the dynamics of that are a lot of what the CTMU is about. Divia: Yeah, definitely. I don't know. When you say it that way, it seems timeless in a different way from how it already seemed or something. Interesting. [1:26:19] The Distributed Second Coming as a self-fulfilling prophecyDivia: Okay, you have some more time, but I just want to make sure, are there any other things that I should have asked you about that I have not yet asked you about?Alex: The Second Coming of Christ? Divia: Yes, that was on my mental list. So, before, when you were talking about how you think that in the main religions, there are sort of convergent mystical traditions that seem to see the same truths, but the religions themselves are sort of about the time and place and the people that they're trying to speak to…Alex: Mm-hmm. Divia: With the Second Coming of Christ, is this sort of like trying to bring the Christ-consciousness to the current context more? Is that what that's about? Alex: That's more or less how I think about it. The idea I'm trying to point at is not specific to Christianity, although I think it is consistent with the Catholic account of the Second Coming of Christ.Divia: What is the Catholic account? I'm not familiar. Alex: It's not that well-specified. I just remembered looking on the Wikipedia page and being like, oh, this all sounds surprisingly reasonable. There's this guy, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, who has this theory of the Omega Point as the culmination of spiritual evolution. Errr, of evolution.Divia: Is he a Catholic? Alex: Yeah. And his conception of the Second Coming of Christ was as a culmination of evolution, which… where like, evolution is now in its phase, through us, of spiritual evolution. And when we collectively spiritually evolve, basically to the point where Christ-consciousness descends upon us all, that’s what he calls the Omega Point. That's how he thinks of the Second Coming of Christ. And he was considered heterodox when he was presenting his ideas, by the Catholic Church, but now he's kind of just accepted and respected.Divia: Interesting, okay. And how do you relate to this? Alex: There is a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh, who is a Buddhist teacher, who passed away recently, who Martin Luther King nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.Divia: Oh, I did not know that. Alex: Yes! And he said something about the next Buddha, which I think resonates a lot. Divia: Same thing. Alex: Yeah. He says, it is possible the next Buddha will not take the form of an individual. The next Buddha may take the form of a community, a community practicing understanding and loving kindness, a community practicing mindful living. And the practice can be carried out as a group, as a city, as a nation. We know that in the spirit of the Lotus Sutra, we are all [students] of the Buddha, no matter what tradition we find ourselves in. We should extend that spirit to other traditions that are not called Buddhist. We can find the jewels in other traditions — the equivalent of the Buddha, the dharma, and the sangha. Once you're capable of seeing the jewels in other spiritual traditions, you'll be working together for the goals of peace and brotherhood. And… "Second Coming of Christ" in popular imagination tends to connote, like, Jesus Christ reincarnates, and… Divia: Yeah, there's gonna be like an individual guy. Alex: Yeah, and he makes everything good… somehow. Which, to me, seems about as plausible as Bearded Sky Father Interventionist. Divia: Right. So, do you think something like this is going to happen? Alex: Before I get there… I think of it more as a distributed Second Coming of Christ-consciousness. I think of Christ-consciousness and Buddha-consciousness as not literally the same, but morally equivalent for the context of what I'm trying to talk about right now.Divia: And it's basically being able to see through… Alex: The veil of psychological distortions, yeah. And I think of it less as something that's definitely going to happen, and more as a possible self-fulfilling prophecy, where if we get our s**t together enough, then this is going to happen, but also, whether we get our s**t together enough might depend on whether we believe this happens. Just like if you want your company to succeed, you have to believe that it's going to succeed. Divia: I think there's some nuance there. Alex: Yeah, yeah.Divia: But sure, yeah. Which is presumably part of why you want to talk about it. Alex: Yes. Divia: Yeah. I think I maybe heard you say that part of your life's work is to try to make this happen more. Does that seem right? [1:30:26] Synthesizing the world religions with each other, and with science Alex: Yes. I think that, in fact, the world religions can be united in a meaningful way. The thing that captures the synthesis [of the religions]… I think the median current Christian or median current Muslim will look at that, and be like, that's not my religion. Also, the median current atheist would look at that, and be like, that seems wrong. Like, the synthesis of all the religions and atheism, I think is a thing, and it’s real, and I think the CTMU captures a lot of it. Divia: Okay. And, you're saying that part of what you’re actively working on is trying to translate the CTMU into something more accessible? Alex: Yes. Something that scientists and every world religion can understand. Or at least the intellectually sophisticated representatives. Divia: Are you with Chris on this? Alex: Pretty much, yes. Chris has an actually understandable… relatively understandable paper called "Metareligion as the Human Singularity", which is basically about exactly this. Divia: Okay, we can try to link that in the show notes, also.Alex: Okay, yeah. This is basically how I currently think about AI coordination. Divia: Yeah, I was gonna say, this is what you think we need to do about AI. [1:31:35] AI coordination – the Second Coming as the prevailing of the "Schelling coalition"Alex: Yeah. I think psychological distortions are going to prevent meaningful peace from happening in the world. People are gonna double down on their wounds, and be like, "We should be the ones who have the most power!", and that's just gonna escalate. Rather than being like, "Oh, maybe more power isn't actually the thing that we want in the first place." There's a quote that's popularly attributed to Jimi Hendrix: "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace," and I think that resonates completely with how I'm imagining stuff. Divia: Yeah! Do you have more of a vision of how this is gonna play out? It seems like part of this routes through, like, maybe a shared conceptual understanding of the way things really are. Alex: Yes. I'm basically imagining the Rosetta Stone of the religions and science being the centerpiece of a "Schelling coalition" of… the power of love, basically. And like, when I think of the Second Coming of Christ succeeding, I'm basically thinking of the Schelling coalition overcoming all the forces that are opposing it. And the overcoming might be, like, inviting and including them in. And when I think about AI alignment from this perspective, the main thing I'm thinking about is, how can we build technology that differentially empowers the Schelling Coalition? For me, some central questions now are, how can you build a social network that promotes what's true and good, as opposed to what grabs attention?Divia: So yes, a social network that would differentially promote things that are true and good, basically? Alex: Yes. And I think in order to do that, we would need enough of a technical understanding of what these concepts are such that we can actually build it. Divia: Are you at all bullish on using technology to help people meditate better?Alex: Seems helpful. It seems like it might be a nontrivial piece of the puzzle. Divia: Not particularly where your focus is. Alex: Yeah, that's right. [1:33:31] AI peacemakers, for empowering human peacemakers Divia: Got it. Are there other things that you're particularly focused on as far as differential tech to empower the Schelling coalition? Alex: AI chatbots that are actually good at conflict resolution, and genuinely helping people. Divia: Presumably, I assume you come down on the side of: yes, the AI should in fact help… should not do what people say if it's obviously not what's actually good for them. Alex: Right, like AIs that help people overcome their psychological distortions, while also not being like L. Ron Hubbard. Divia: Right. Yes. And that would be an interesting case study in how exactly that happened. I don't know a ton about the history of Scientology, but okay. Alex: I mean… AI girlfriends who can cybersex with you feel more like they're in the L. Ron Hubbard territory. Divia: Yeah, you're not bullish on those. Alex: Definitely not in their current formulations. It's plausible to me that there's some version of those that could help reach a broad audience in the right way or something, but that path seems very fraught. Divia: Well, certainly mainstream religions tend to be down on that sort of way of reaching people, right? And it seems to be more popular among the things people want to call cults. So if we go with that heuristic, it doesn't seem super promising. Alex: Yes. Divia: Is a decent framing of it that you want… AI priests to help people? Alex: AI peacemakers is actually how I'm currently framing things. To empower the human peacemakers. Alex: Right now I'm picturing it less as like… like, I think if there’s like… if deep neural nets are going to become coherent agentic long-term planners, I'm like, okay, we're probably just fucked. Divia: Yeah. Alex: And also, I don't think that's very likely. Divia: You think they're not going to?Alex: Yeah, I think they're not going to. [And, therefore, I think most of the peacemaking is going to originate from humans, not AIs – hence, the emphasis on empowering human peacemakers.][1:35:24] Cellular intelligence, "embodied cognition", and AI timelinesDivia: That's one I actually haven't asked you about. Do you have any thoughts on AI timelines and different scenarios, or anything like that you want to share? Alex: Yeah. Back when I was double-cruxing people about timelines, there was one guy in particular who had long timelines, my friend Gary Basin. And I did not understand his views back then, but now I basically just agree with everything he said back then. Divia: Are they written up somewhere? Alex: I don't think so. But after double-cruxing with a friend at length, the thing I've come upon is, I now think that our higher level cognition is meaningfully built on top of stuff happening on the cellular level.Divia: Cellular. Okay. Can you say more about that? I was expecting you to say something like "embodied", and I'd be like, yeah. And now… what do you mean by cellular? Alex: I mean, cells are really good at being robust and adaptable. Like, you can put them in environments pretty different from what they're supposed to be in, and they somehow adapt in a way that seems super foreign to someone working in ML. Divia: Are you talking about stem cells or something? Can you give a concrete example? Alex: Michael Levin had an example in a Lex Friedman podcast. [Video link, 1:25:15 -1:27:08] I can try fishing out the quote, but I don't remember the details. Divia: But it wasn't a stem cell. It was some other type of cell. Alex: Yeah, it was a non-stem cell being placed in a situation that's different from what it was supposed to be, and it somehow just adapted in the right way. Divia: This sort of reminds me of what you're saying about the plant.Alex: Yes. Divia: Because I’m like, okay, if I go with the plant having some sort of consciousness, then I can see why it would have something to teach me. But then again, there's this question of like… I'm drinking the plant… how am I getting the consciousness from drinking the plant? Alex: For that point, I think if it's just you drinking the plant, you might not get that much. In the ayahuasca ceremonies in the evenings, the healers are allegedly directly connecting you with the energies of the plants, and that's how you form the connection with them. That's what they say, I don't know what that actually means.Divia: Anyway. I don't know. There may not be any there there, but what you're saying about the cells being very adaptable, and how you think that might be load-bearing for higher cognition… it seems intuitively related to why drinking the plant in the right context might actually… Alex: Right, totally. And my experience with drinking the plants is part of what's updated my intuitions in this way. Divia: You know what’s funny? I ran into an old classmate of mine many years ago, and she was talking about eating consciousness of plants. Makes me rethink that whole conversation a little bit. She had been doing some sort of raw diet that she felt like she'd learned a lot from. Hard to know in any particular case, but… But okay. So, Gary Basin thinks that one reason it will be hard for the neural nets to replicate the sort of agentic behavior that humans have is because they're not cells? Alex: This is my current gloss. I don't know what Gary Basin thinks. Divia: Never mind what Gary Basin said. Alex: Gary did tell me that paramecia are capable of doing a fair bit of learning and stuff. And that seemed like a point of evidence. Divia: Slime molds, too. Alex: Yeah. And, like, at first I was like, okay, what is this relevant for? But I feel like I now better parse the kind of point he was trying to make with that. He did talk a lot about embodiment, and… Divia: But maybe embodiment has more to do with cells than I might have thought? Alex: Yeah, I think embodiment is kind of a red herring for what it connotes, because people are often like, well, if you have a robot, does that make it now embodied? And I'm like, no, that actually misses the point completely. And then they're like, but how does it miss the point? Divia: …completely?Alex: Okay, maybe like 80%. Divia: Yeah, I mean, certainly I don't look at my Roomba, and I'm like, yeah, that– Alex: It's like, ah, because you have a physical body, it’s– Divia: But if I imagine a really sophisticated physical body, I don't know. So can you help unpack why you think even a pretty sophisticated physical body that's still, like… Alex: Well, I think the cruxy bit of the sophisticated physical body is that it was built iteratively out of simpler parts…Divia: Oh… Alex: …which in turn were built iteratively out of simpler parts, like Matryoshka dolls, where the smallest ones are cells. Divia: There's some law about that, right? That, like, the only way to have a complex system that actually works is to have it evolved out of simpler systems that worked? Alex: That is the kind of thing I'm trying to gesture at. Divia: Interesting. Okay. Alex: For what it's worth, Chris Langan was the person who first communicated the general idea of this to me, that I then hashed out with another friend [Ashwin Sah] to come up with my current articulation. So, Chris gets intellectual credit for how I'm thinking about this. Divia: Okay. We haven't even talked about Ken Wilber on this podcast, but it definitely starts to remind me more of his worldview – that the problem with the robot is that it's not made of things that are made of things in the same way, sort of alive all the way down, or something like that. Alex: Yeah. And I do think that in principle, you could get an AI to replicate what's going on at one at these low levels. Divia: Like you're a functionalist? Is that sort of what you're saying? Alex: At least for intelligence, if not consciousness. Divia: If nothing else, you could just run a simulation of cells, right?Alex: Yes. Although I don't think that would be efficient. Divia: No, it doesn't sound efficient at all. Just as a proof of concept. Alex: Yes. Divia: And then you think in practice, you could do that, but somewhat more efficient? Alex: Also in principle. I think I'm more laying out why I don't think you need a literal physical body in order to be intelligent in the way we are.Divia: Like you can be made out of silicon. Alex: Yeah, or the silicon can be simulating what's happening at a somewhat low level in us, and try to rebuild all the higher stuff on top of that. And that could work, but that sounds really hard also. Divia: And it's not mostly what people are doing. Alex: Yeah, it's completely not what most people are doing.Divia: Yeah. Okay, so you have pretty long timelines then, overall, is that right? Alex: There's a funny thing where, like, I think the doomers’ epistemic state these days is a lot like what mine was like six years ago, and now mine is more like what Gary Basin's was six years ago. Yeah, I think timelines for crazy f*****g AIs are pretty short, but timelines for… Divia: Like narrow AIs? Or… Alex: …pretty general and crazy and "transformative" AIs might be pretty short. Divia: Like how short? [1:42:05] Transformative AIs may not outcompete humans at everythingAlex: Well, I don't actually know what "transformative" AI actually really means. I mean, Holden talks about when you can automate science and technology research as a particularly interesting bar. Divia: Yeah, do you think, when do you think…?Alex: On my current inside view, it's not ever going to get fully automated. I think human-AI teams are going to vastly outcompete individual humans, but it's hard for me to picture a world where AIs are full-stop just outcompeting AI-human teams, in general. Like, for any specific narrow domain that you pick out, I think it can happen, but in general, it seems kind of implausible to me. Divia: In general includes for science and technology research. Alex: That's right. But on the other hand, maybe narrow AIs can still accelerate science and technology research by many orders of magnitude. And that would still be with… Divia: Humans in the mix, but that is transformative. Alex: Yeah. Divia: Yeah. OK. Let's see what else we should cover in wrapping up. Anything else we missed? [1:43:04] Is the "AI" part of "AI alignment" a red herring?Alex: Yeah, I've been updating recently toward… the "AI" part of AI alignment is actually kind of a red herring, and there's a general… Divia: There’s room for alignment in general. Alex: Yeah. Of complex systems in particular, such as us, and which AIs are going to be as well. Which feels like the more relevant level of abstraction at which to be thinking. And, yeah, AI interpretability – good! Obviously good. In the sense that big black-box AIs having huge effects that we don't understand is obviously bad. There are obviously massive downsides to that. But also, I'm kind of like, if you look at the economy, it's pretty legible. It's made of a bunch of parts, like businesses, and you can track all the transactions… the economy is pretty transparent to us, and we still don't really know how to think about how to structure it in such a way that it isn't Moloch-y. And I feel like even if we could see all the internals of an AI, we would end up bumping into a similar kind of issue. And also I think that the Moloch-iness has to do with the fact that people in their psychologies are Moloch-y. Divia: Okay, can I bookmark this? I feel like this is gonna be a too-long conversation because we only have a few more minutes, but I have some beef with the term Moloch. I think there's obviously something that it's talking about that's real and important, and I hear it, and I'm like, I can't handle that concept. So anyway, bookmark. Though in general, I'm pretty on board with what you're saying about alignment of complex systems in general, being more potentially the thing to think about. Especially if I sort of take it as a given that humans will still be in the mix with the AI systems, and that the combination will outperform the AI systems in general for a long time. Alex: Yeah. Another analogy I use: sometimes you want to prove that a particular proposition is true for [a particular] number, like… 556978. It's easier to just prove it for all numbers, than to prove it for that particular one. And if you just try to focus on that particular number, it's a red herring. And it's feeling to me more and more like that's what the deal is with AI alignment, in relation to complex systems alignment in general. Divia: Got it. [1:45:16] ClosingDivia: Well, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. You've definitely given me a lot to think about. Even though I've already talked to you about all these things before, I have more to chew on. And I think I'm gonna maybe remind you that you said you might be willing to do this again sometime. Alex: Mhmm! Divia: But, yeah! Where can people find you if they want to follow up on any of this? Alex: I am on Twitter, and I check my DMs there sometimes. Divia: Okay. Well, so that's it. Do you want to say what your handle is?Alex: @zhukeepa. Divia: Cool. We’ll link that in the show notes also. All right. Thanks again! Subscribe for upcoming pieces about related topics This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit zhukeepa.substack.com This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mutualunderstanding.substack.com

Sarah is a director at Nanotronics and writes on Twitter and on Substack.Timestamps[00:01:00] Why AI is probably a good thing[00:08:00] The limits of current robotics[00:13:00] Nanotronics and process improvements with AI[00:23:00] Predictions on AI[00:26:00] Input output limitations on AI models[00:35:00] Drug discovery[00:45:00] Instrumental convergence[01:05:00] Progress studies[1:13:00] Morality[01:27:30] Game Theory and Social Norms[01:41:00] Shrimp Welfare[01:48:00] LongevityShow NotesAlphaDev discovers faster sorting algorithmIt Looks Like You’re Trying to Take Over the WorldEA has a lying problemGoals (and not having them)Sarcopenia Experimental TreatmentsReality Has a Surprising Amount of Detail This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mutualunderstanding.substack.com

Coordination among 8 billion people is very tough. We're very far away from doing that with the intelligence that we have now, it's incredibly costly to send information to different people and for different people to learn about each other in order to trust each other…  we should kind of expect that people will have a lot of trouble coordinating on a big scale. But if we could then we’d grow a lot!…In terms of least ‘failing with dignity’ do we think that the public did a good job in trying to investigate this and was misled? Or do we think that the public just like did a terrible job in like doing anything coordinated and just got hoodwinked super easily? I think we fall a lot more into the latter campOzzie Gooen is the president of the Quantified Uncertainty Research Institute (QURI). In this episode we discuss Utilitarianism, improving trust in organizations, communities, and governments, and his work in building better software for thinking, forecasting, and estimation.Links from the Show* The Quantified Uncertainty Research Institute* The QURI Medley* A video explaining QURI’s new Relative Value Estimation tool.* Reports on the failure to identify Bernie Madoff’s fraud* How to Measure Anything* The OpenAI BoardTimestamps[00:01:00] Worldview[00:08:00] Starter Pack Philosophies[00:12:00] How tools for better Epistemics fits into Utilitarianism[00:20:00] Mistake theory vs Conflict Theory[00:24:00] Improving EA institutions[00:30:00] Justified Trust in Governments[00:38:00] Contracts and monitoring for evaluating orgs[00:46:30] Estimation utopias[00:52:00] Centralization vs Decentralization[00:58:00] The value of a good investigation in the case of FTX[01:05:00] The importance of the OpenAI Board[01:09:00] Estimating Relative Values[01:18:15] Shared intellectual infrastructure[01:26:00] Epistemically mature civilizations This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mutualunderstanding.substack.com

This episode may make more sense after reading Quintin’s LessWrong post about evolution and the sharp left turn, but I think we end up talking through most of it.Our conversation appeared as two Twitter Spaces:https://twitter.com/diviacaroline/status/1649925920529223680?s=20 andhttps://twitter.com/diviacaroline/status/1649957263535394821?s=20 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mutualunderstanding.substack.com