Becoming Me

Episode 151 (Bonus)  In this special bonus episode for Holy Week, I share a deeply personal and vulnerable story about my journey through spiritual trauma and healing. Last year, I wrote an open letter on my personal blog, disclosing the challenges I've faced and continue to face as a complex trauma survivor within the Catholic faith. From experiencing physical symptoms of distress during Mass to grappling with deeply ingrained religious guilt, I invite you to witness my journey towards understanding, acceptance, and integration. I hope my story resonates with others who struggle with similar feelings during Holy Week, providing language, comfort, and a sense of solidarity. Additionally, I offer practical suggestions for seeking support, emphasizing the importance of trauma-informed care within spiritual and therapeutic frameworks. God meets us exactly where we are, and this episode is an invitation to take that first step towards healing.Read My Blogposts:To My Fellow Complex Trauma Survivors Who Struggle with Holy WeekA Good Friday Confession (I Don’t Feel Anything)Watch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.CHAPTER MARKERS00:00 Introduction02:21 A Vulnerable Self-Disclosure07:41 The Letter Begins13:55 Waking Up to Anger and My Body Saying "No"16:49 Trauma Mingled with Faith19:42 Dying (To Ego) Into Authentic Love21:27 Entering Christ's Wounds Through My Wounds23:12 Why Holy Week Can Be Re-traumatising for Trauma Surviors26:00 Letting God Love Me Through Self-Love28:30 New Trauma-Informed Wine Skins Needed29:54 What Can Trauma Survivors Do To Support Ourselves?33:13 Final Thoughts36:02 ConclusionSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 150  In this heartfelt conversation, I sit down with Paul Fahey, a limited licensed professional counselor, retreat leader, and catechist from Michigan, USA. Paul shares insights from his work in pastoral counseling for Catholics who have been spiritually abused and his efforts to educate ministers to be more equipped in their ministry. We delve into the complex nature of spiritual and religious trauma, the importance of language in healing from trauma, and the profound teachings of the Catholic Church on human dignity. Through personal stories and shared experiences, we explore the critical theme of dignity, how trauma affects our understanding of love and self-worth, and the necessity of creating safe spaces within or away from the Church for healing and authentic connection. This episode offers a rich and thought-provoking discussion on how we can reclaim our dignity and experience God's chaste, non-controlling love in the midst of a fallen world.Visit Paul Fahey’s website here.Documents quoted by Paul:Dignitatis HumanaePatris CordeFratelli TuttiRead my newsletter post Lament, Hope & Healing: Resources on Spiritual Abuse.Watch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.CHAPTER MARKERS00:00 Introduction to Paul Fahey01:12 Discussing Trauma and Spiritual Abuse05:53 Exploring Human Dignity in Church Teachings10:32 Understanding Spiritual Authority and Coercion35:51 Chastity and Non-Possessive Love47:33 Healing from Spiritual Coercion53:45 Struggling with Faith and Depression56:14 Journey Out of Depression58:29 Role of a Catechist and Therapist59:50 The Importance of Experiencing Non-controlling Love01:01:40 Experiencing God's Reverence01:04:00 The Concept of Theosis01:11:51 Challenges in the Church01:15:44 Accompanying Ourselves in Healing01:32:03 Forgiveness Demands Justice for the Victim01:37:22 Wrestling with the Lack of Safety in Church01:42:24 Reality is Greater than Ideas01:44:35 Final Thoughts and GratitudeREFLECTION PROMPTHow have I experienced coerciSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 149  In this episode, I delve into the unique challenges that Catholic and Christian trauma survivors face in their healing journeys. Drawing from my own experiences and observations, I outline five specific reasons why faith can often complicate trauma recovery for believers. From the difficulty of accepting abuse within 'good' religious families, to the guilt around naming harm and the complexities of forgiveness, I discuss the psychological and spiritual hurdles that can impede healing. Join me as I explore how religious convictions, while deeply meaningful, sometimes inadvertently obstruct the path to recovery.LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:Ex-Missionaries of Charity allege culture of abuse and neglect"The Turning" : The dark side of Mother Teresa's order, according to nuns who leftReport: Jean Vanier’s L’Arche Hid ‘Mystical-Sexual’ Sect for Decades'Confusion, control and abuse': Report offers new details about Jean Vanier's secret sect and sexual exploitationWatch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.CHAPTER MARKERS[00:00] Introduction to the Podcast[00:04] Challenges for Catholic and Christian Trauma Survivors[02:15] Reason 1: Difficulty Admitting Abuse in Religious Contexts[11:36] Reason 2: Unrecognised Abusive Dynamics[17:12] Reason 3: The Pressure to Forgive[22:37] Reason 4: Guilt in Naming Harm[27:09] Reason 5: Distrust of Secular Resources[34:43] The Impact of Religious Convictions on Healing[35:58] Conclusion and Invitation to ReflectREFLECTION PROMPTDo you resonate with any of these reasons outlined in this episode? If yes: Which reason(s) do you resonate with? What do you observe about its impact in your healing journey? If no: How did you feel listening to this episode? Are there other reasons you can identify from your own experience?Support the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 148   In this episode, I address a profound question from a long-time podcast listener and religious sister in Southeast Asia regarding her healing journey. We explore the intricacies of feeling productive and empowered at times, facing moments of deep uncertainty and doubt at others, and when questions of authenticity, accountability, and integrity become overwhelming. I break down the layers of her experience from a coaching perspective, discussing the sensation of overwhelm, life scripts centered around productivity, internal family systems (IFS) theory, and the stages of faith development from the Critical Journey model. This episode is rich with insights into the interior journey of healing and integration, emphasising the importance of giving oneself permission to feel, pause, and go at the pace we need in the interior journey.RESOURCESBook on AmazonThe Critical Journey, Stages in the Life of FaithYouTube / Podcast Stages of Maturing Faith: Insights From "The Critical Journey”Personal Vocation Discernment through the Stages of Faith Watch this episode's recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.CHAPTER MARKERS[00:00] Introduction and Listener's Question[00:38] Context and Background[01:04] Reading the Listener's Question[02:25] Breaking Down the Question[03:53] Observations and Insights[05:43] Understanding Overwhelm and Productivity Scripts[11:30] Internal Family Systems (IFS) Explanation[20:03] Stages of Faith Development[31:08] Final Thoughts and EncouragementREFLECTION PROMPTHow would you describe your relationship with (i) Productivity and (ii) Uncertainty? What are some scripts that you might have in moments of overwhelm and uncertainty? Which stage of the Critical Journey is currently the most prominent for you in your journey?Support the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 147   In this episode, I discuss a common challenge faced by complex trauma survivors: the notion that those who harmed us did the best they could. I emphasise why it's crucial not to accept this idea too early in the healing process. We need to focus on acknowledging the harm and injustice inflicted upon us before considering the limitations and reasons why our abusers acted the way they did. This is a journey of radical honesty and acceptance, facing uncomfortable truths without bypassing our emotions. Join me as I explore why truth is essential for healing from trauma and how to reframe our understanding of love and compassion.Watch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.CHAPTER MARKERS[00:00] Introduction[02:00] Internalising Dissonance and Self-Blame[03:13] Scripts and Roles for Survival[04:37] The Capacity for Love and Attunement[08:07] Holding Opposing Truths[10:06] The Importance of Radical Honesty[18:21] Navigating the Healing Journey[24:36] Radical Acceptance vs. Resignation[27:52] Concluding Thoughts and EncouragementREFLECTION PROMPTNotice if there were any particular sensations in your body as you listened to this episode. Which segments might they have been in response to?What relationships in your life might you have noticed difficulty in holding opposing truths, or may have been told or thought that those who had harmed you “did their best”?Support the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 146   In this episode, I delve into the challenging and often misunderstood topic of deconstruction, especially for those of us healing from complex trauma as persons of faith. I share my own journey and how deconstruction has been an essential part of my healing process. We'll define what deconstruction means in this context and explore the three zones where I experienced it: Self-Identity, Family and Cultural Values, and Faith. Despite its inherent risk, deconstruction is a necessary and important part of the journey towards wholeness and a more secure faith in God.  I hope my sharing reassures those of you on the healing journey that your experience of deconstruction or “undoing” is an integral and hopeful part of the healing process even if very few people in your life can understand you.Watch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.CHAPTER MARKERS[00:00] Introduction[01:44] Defining Deconstruction[06:03] 3 Zones of Deconstruction[07:59] 1. Self-Identity Deconstruction[14:34] 2. Familial and Cultural Values Deconstruction[19:58] 3. Faith and Religious Deconstruction[34:53] Existential Faith vs Religious or Doctrinal Assent[42:26] Questions for Pondering and ConclusionTRANSCRIPTAvailable here.REFLECTION PROMPTWhich ‘zones’ have you begun to experience deconstruction in? What are the fundamental questions you are asking right now which you had never asked before?Support the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 145   In this episode, I open up about the challenges of experiencing setbacks in the healing journey. I share a recent personal experience that triggered a significant emotional response and discuss the importance of recognizing and managing these setbacks. By acknowledging the dynamics of our internal responses, such as through the lens of Internal Family Systems and complex trauma, I hope to offer support and validation for those feeling disheartened by setbacks. I seek to share a reminder that setbacks are a normal part of healing. Join me as I share honest reflections from my ongoing journey with you.Watch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.CHAPTER MARKERS[00:00] Introduction and Context[02:55] Patterns in the Interior Integration Journey[04:46] Personal Sharing of Dysregulation Experience[08:41] Setbacks Happen and It's Normal[09:53] Navigating Recovery from Setbacks and Seeking Support[16:45] God's Presence and Grace in the Healing Journey[20:31] Conclusion and EncouragementTRANSCRIPTAvailable here.REFLECTION PROMPTHave there been times where you experienced setbacks in your healing journey? What cues did you notice about your internal responses, and in your body? What resources did you have, or wish(ed) to have, to help you recover from setbacks?Support the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 144   In this episode, I share a deeply personal story about the painful moment when I realized that having faith and spiritual practices alone couldn't save me from the dysfunctional patterns in my life. I discuss the inadvertent impact of unconscious complex trauma, the harm of spiritual abuse, and the significance of human integration in the healing journey. This reflection highlights the importance of seeking broader resources beyond faith practices in the journey toward wholeness in healing. This may include developing insight on psychological and family dynamics. I hope this sharing makes you feel less alone and provides hope on your path to becoming more integrated and whole.In the previous episode, I introduced an invaluable workshop presented by Paul Fahey, focusing on recognising, preventing, and responding to spiritual abuse in the Catholic context. Join me in exploring this significant resource—check the show notes for more information and a link to the workshop. Link to Register for Spiritual Abuse Workshop.  Read Paul Fahey’s article on Spiritual Abuse in the Catholic Church. Watch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.CHAPTER MARKERS[00:00:36] Lack of Awareness and Spiritually Abusive Behaviours[00:01:23] Personal Story on Spiritual Abuse[00:02:27] Gaps in Human Formation and Integration[00:06:07] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Poor Boundaries[00:07:38] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Insecurities and Burnout[00:10:15] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Performing and Pushing for Perfection[00:12:13] The Wake-Up Call that I Had Harmed Others[00:14:12] On Realizing that I Had Been Spiritually Abusive[00:15:45] Trauma and Toxic Shame[00:17:44] 'Waking Up' to the Integration Journey[00:19:17] Acknowledging Our Context with Compassion[00:24:52] Embodied Faith[00:28:56] Encouragement for Listeners[00:31:14] Conclusion and Final ThoughtsTRANSCRIPTAvailable here.REFLECTION PROMPTHave you had an encounter or experience where you realised that you were harming someone when you were only intending to love them to the best of your ability? How did you respond to that realisation?Support the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 143   In this episode, I briefly discuss the importance of understanding spiritual abuse, particularly if you're on a healing journey from trauma and its effects on your relationship with God. I outline three major reasons why learning about spiritual abuse is crucial: it helps identify and heal from obstacles in our relationship with God, prevents the inadvertent perpetuation of abuse, and enhances accountability and responsibility, especially for those in leadership positions within the Catholic Church. I also introduce an invaluable workshop presented by Paul Fahey, focusing on recognising, preventing, and responding to spiritual abuse in the Catholic context. Join me in exploring this significant resource—check the show notes for more information and a link to the workshop. Link to Register for Spiritual Abuse Workshop: https://www.catholicthirdspace.com/p/spiritual-abuse-workshop-7b6 Read Paul Fahey’s article on Spiritual Abuse in the Catholic Church: https://wherepeteris.com/resources/the-place-where-you-stand-is-holy-ground/Watch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.CHAPTER MARKERS00:31 The Impact of Trauma on Faith02:14 Reasons to Learn About Spiritual Abuse03:58 The Systemic Nature of Spiritual Abuse05:25 Introducing a Valuable Resource06:56 Personal Reflections and Endorsements08:14 How to Join the Workshop08:40 Final Thoughts and FarewellTRANSCRIPTAvailable here.REFLECTION PROMPTWhat do you know about spiritual abuse in your own life? Can you think of any spiritual experiences where you had felt like an important boundary was violated but you could not name what it was?Support the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 142   In this episode, I delve into an intriguing question posed by one of my listeners: Can healing of complex trauma happen through a personal encounter with God where He reveals His true nature to us? Building on a previous video that discussed how healing complex trauma transforms our image of God, I explore the multidimensional aspects of such healing. I share insights from my personal faith journey, emphasising that while direct, mystical experiences with God can indeed be a significant part of healing, they are only one facet. I discuss the importance of healing through safe relationships with other creatures, including pets, and the crucial process of repairing our relationship with ourselves. This episode highlights the interconnectedness of our relationships with God, ourselves, and others in the journey towards holistic healing from complex trauma.Watch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.CHAPTER MARKERS00:00 Introduction 01:04 Context03:28 Viewer's Question05:33 Pre-Response Notes on Interdisciplinary Perspective and Complex Trauma09:12 Short Response: One Dimension of Healing10:40 Extended Response: Other Dimensions of Healing14:31 What Healing Is17:33 Healing Through Direct Encounters with God18:35 Healing Through Safe Relationships with Creation22:24 Healing the Relationship with Oneself24:02 Impact of Complex Trauma on the Relationship with Self, Prayer, and Trust29:16 How A Broken Relationship with Self Impacts Relationship with God35:25 God's Presence, and Interconnectedness in the Dimensions of Healing38:52 Response Summary 39:24 Concluding Thoughts40:40 Podcast Plans and UpdatesTRANSCRIPTAvailable here.REFLECTION PROMPTHave you experienced God revealing his loving nature to you in a direct, unmediated encounter before? Have you experienced God loving you through a safe and loving relationship with another person or creature? Have you experienced how healing your relationship with yourself has deepened your ability to connect with others?Support the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.