Practicing Polyamory Podcast

Tavo Alcoser is the lead vocalist of the touring band Jarabe Mexicano, whose mission includes outreach to underserved communities promoting diversity and inclusivity. Tavo is also a Latin American Studies major, and with his help I've been able to dig deeper into my roots and heritage. In this episode, Tavo shares his experiences growing up as a transborder resident--living in Tijuana, Mexico, and going to school in San Diego. He talks about why, despite living south of the border, he didn't learn Spanish until his high school years and even when he did, it was European Spanish, not Mexican! Tavo talks about his dual identity as a Mexican-American, and how San Diego felt like home for the majority of his early life, and how that changed in later years. We get to dive deep into what it means to be Chicano, and how we each had struggles when trying to find where we belong in the decolonization movement of Chicano culture.  This is such a deep and personally meaningful episode, and I want to give a huge shoutout and thank you to Tavo, whose insight has helped me connect deeper with my Mexican roots as I work to create the most inclusive community I can here on the pod! Learn more about Tavo at www.jarabemexicano.com and follow him on FB: @TavoAlcoserPerformingArtist !

Today's guest Carrie Sacket practices social therapeutics in the great state of New York and in this episode she explains exactly why social therapeutics uses a group-centered approach to therapy. Carrie explains how, as social creatures, we human beings can find the both the cause and the cure to our emotional turmoil through social interaction. Within the context of polyamory, the group relationship is of even more importance. Carrie talks about how polyamory is full of people who write their own scripts, and how we can create the environments to have important conversations within our polycules. Carrie shares some personal experiences within the groups that she leads, and how people are able to learn to sit with discomfort, allowing for greater vulnerability and deeper conversation and connection. Learn more about Carrie at www.coachingzpd.com and follow on FB: @ZPDCoaching !

I was married and lived with my wife for 6 years until late March 2021. This episode is some of my personal story, where I'm currently at in my own polyamory journey, and my coming to terms with solopolyamory. I talk about the process of decoupling or detangling for new couples, my understanding of what Solopoly usually means, and whether or not I actually identify as SoPo.  Much of my life was spent in fear of being alone, but I've learned to become more comfortable on my own and I talk about how I got here (spoiler: hobbies!).  Follow me everywhere @practicingpolya and sign up to be a guest at www.practicingpolyamory.com !

Therapist Justine Guzman shares her discovery of non-monogamy and the importance of living openly authentic. We talk about being public about polyamory, the role of intersecting identities, and non-judgmental curiosity. Justine gives tips on examining feelings objectively and controlling intense emotions. Check out her show 'Non Monogamous Mondays'!

In this episode I have a chance to chat with Kevin A. Patterson, author of Love's Not Colorblind, the foremost book on race and polyamory. Having been tagged in my interviews with Olivia, Kevin felt called to address my comment regarding my mindset of victims and victors. I have a chance to explain my comment further, and Kevin helps me understand how viewing people by this binary idea is a value judgment based on how much we can endure, even though the problem isn't our strength--it's the social construct of white supremacy. Kevin talks about how many people of color (including myself for most of my life) try to place themselves on equal footing with the white establishment and deny the white supremacy that exists, but how the reckoning comes for us all eventually (see Omarosa and the Trump administration). He shares how friends have turned  him into "the scary Black guy" when the need arose, and how easily his image could be turned based solely on how Black folx are viewed in this country. Kevin and I have an amazing conversation chatting about creating inclusive communities, and he gives me some tips on fostering diversity on the podcast in upcoming seasons, and how you can do the same in your polyam circles! Be sure to tune in and learn how you can create inclusive communities in your polyam world, too! Learn more about Kevin at www.kevinapatterson.com and improve your polyam relationships by learning directly from him at www.unfuckyourpolyamory.com ! Follow him on IG: @polyrolemodels , too!

In this continuing conversation around creating inclusive communities, I share my experiences of assimilation and rejection of my Mexican culture growing up. I tell the story of visiting Mexico as a kid, and my difficulty in taking pride in my Mexican heritage based on my perception of the country, specifically what I saw in the "dirty" border town of Tijuana. I talk about learning Spanish before English, and being placed in the ESL class in early childhood, despite rejecting the language at home. At home, my dad taught us to reject the Chicano culture that he attributed to the Cholo (Mexican gangster) lifestyle. That Cholo stereotype is the one that is most often portrayed in the media, and it was the one that I was taught was wrong, or evil. I didn't want to be associated with it, and I learned to distance myself from it. After sharing my own history with my culture, I talk about how I am connected to it today. I share what I've come to realize about where I stand, including being one generation away from carrying an "illegal" status. Lastly I share my thoughts on what my life might be like had I been born in Mexico instead of here in the US, and my recognition of my privilege by living here. Hope you all are learning along with me, and that this helps us all to continue to create inclusive polyam communities!

Relationship therapist Paige Bond discusses problematic behaviors in relationships, including criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. She provides antidotes for each and highlights the significance of secure attachment, introspection, and gratitude. The conversation also explores the difference between stonewalling and taking space to cool down. Overall, it's an insightful discussion on conflict resolution and building healthier relationships.

What happens when we open our relationships and our partners begin to love someone else? If we are stuck in a scarcity mindset, we may believe that love in finite and become fearful. Petra Stone helps us understand where the scarcity mindset may come from, and invites us to explore strategies to overcome that mindset and welcome a belief of abundance. We talk about the misplaced belief that attention is equated with love, and how that belief is rooted in fear. When it comes to our partners' attention, we find that a romantic connection with someone other than ourselves can be more intimidating with a hobby (like golfing), but when we give our partners the freedom to seek connections elsewhere, we can rest knowing that our partners never have to choose. We also get into the topic of consent, especially when engaging in conversation with new people. We talk about the small infractions that wear down our personal boundaries, and how being more aware of what we want can help us to have better relationships in the long run. Such a fun conversation with a lot of ground covered! Learn more about Petra at www.beginningtherapy.com and www.sentientfest.com!

Dr. Dana McNeil is a fellow San Diegan whose journey into therapy was inspired twofold. First, by her experiences as an insurance claims adjuster, where she would play the role of a witness to people going through pain and trauma; and secondly by going through couples' counseling using the Gottman method with her husband. She tells her story of realizing that being a therapist was her calling, and how she's used her practice to create safe spaces for folx of all walks of life who want to improve their relationships. When we start getting into laying solid foundations, Dr. Dana talks about how people's relationships are affected based on their expectations. She describes how everything a partner does for us is a gift, which might help us realize that our expectations in our relationships may vary, and our individual views of the world affect those expectations. Dr. Dana encourages us to have discussions around our expectations to lay a good, solid foundation for our relationships. We talk about behaviors that reflect our commitments to our partners, with the reminder that if/when we do something for our partners, that behavior is a gift. We also talk about "perpetual issues," issues in relationships that might never be resolved, and how to navigate those issues with our partners. This was such a fun and insightful conversation that you won't want to miss! Learn more about Dr. Dana at www.danamcneil.com and follow her on IG: @DrDanaMcNeil !

Krista Varela Posell, co-founder of @PolyInPlace, shares her journey into polyamory and working through infidelity in her previously monogamous relationship. She discusses the books that inspired her and the upcoming Polyamory in Publishing event. Don't miss her collaboration with Claire from @PolyPages in starting a polyamory book club to provide support and engagement to those interested in learning more about polyamory.