Interior Integration for Catholics

Episode 21.  Catholic Resilience – Where the Secular Experts Get Resilience Wrong. June 22, 2020 Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 21, and it’s called Catholic Resilience – Where the Secular Experts Get Resilience Wrong In our last episode, we started a deep dive into resilience by looking at secular conceptualizations of resilience.  We discussed how in the secular world resilience is about adapting yourself to life’s demands, it’s about handling the challenges and curve balls that life throws at you with poise and confidence.  It’s about getting back to previous levels of functioning and adaptation.  It’s about getting up as many times as you are knocked down by dangers and misfortunes, it’s about journeying on under the load of troubles and difficulties that life brings us.  It’s about not succumbing to failure, not collapsing under stress, not being destabilized by hardships and tough situations.The American Psychological Association defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress— such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.”   You know, like a racquetball that gets hit, squashed, and then regains its shape.  {insert sound}Seems reasonable enough, right?  I mean, it’s the American Psychological Association, you know, the professionals speaking here.  And in fact there’s a lot of good in that definition that we can draw from.  In considering resilience, though, we as believing, practicing Catholics need to rework the secular notions ingrained in us by our culture.  And that’s what I am here to help you do.  I am here to challenge notions commonly held by Catholics that are actually not grounded in Catholicism.There are three major problems with the secular definition of resilience.First problem:  Secular mental health professionals look to at their clients’ personal resources, their talents, their skills, their gifts.  The secular clinicians will work with primarily with those asset and strengths.  These clinicians think about how their clients can have greater autonomy, greater agency, be better able to access their assets and strengths to better adapt to the world.   Most of them will also assess the social support that their clients can access from their close relationships.  Nothing wrong with that, insofar as it goes.  Insofar as it goes.  But it doesn’t go far enough.  As Catholics, we’re not supposed to rely primarily on ourselves, we’re not supposed to be independent, rugged individualists.  And we’re not supposed to rely primarily on our close relationships either, because all other people have their flaws and they will disappoint us.  We’re supposed to rely primarily on God – on His love, His mercy, His power, His constancy.  And while more and more secular clinicians are open to bringing in their clients’ spirituality to help their clients become resilient, it’s not the top thing on the list.  Spiritual resources made Southwick and Charney’s top ten list of resilience factors, but not until number 4 and a little bit in number 10.  From a Catholic perspective, God is absolutely primary in resilience.  And this is the biggest problem of secular-based psychologies in general, not just with regard to resiliency. We need to not only understand with our minds who we are and who God is – we also need to involve our souls, our hearts, our bodies.  This is not easy.  There are lots and lots and lots of psychological obstacles to seeing God as He really is.  And I am here to help you do that.  We will go through this process together, harmonizing the best of psychology with a Catholic worldview as we go through all the factors of resilience.  That is what is unique about this podcast.  That is what is unique about Souls and Hearts.  We ground psychology in an authentic Catholic anthropology, an authentic Catholic worldview.  Now today we’re not going into all the solutions for Catholics to become more resilient.  Be patient, I promise you that is coming up in future episodes and especially in the workshops and experiential work that we do in the Resilient Catholics: Carpe Diem! Community.  I want you to become much more resilient, and we’re starting with understanding the conceptual landscape first.  All right, so that covers the first problem that secular clinicians have with guiding others to resiliency – not giving God His primary role.  Here’s the second problem of secular approaches to resilience.  Most mental health professionals work to minimize suffering and maximize one’s enjoyment of life.  They misunderstand suffering.  Most assume either consciously or unconsciously that suffering is to be avoided, minimized, that it is bad.  They want their clients to feel better, to enjoy life more, to avoid getting hurt, to be able to pursue their own dreams and follow their own paths, to be able to make their own meaning out of life.  They don’t use this word, but which philosophical system argues for maximizing enjoyment and minimizing suffering as the best way?  Well, dear listeners, the word for the belief system that emphasizes maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain is hedonism.  Hedonism.  And hedonism has always been really popular because in our fallen human conditions, hedonism makes sense to our passions – we naturally want to avoid pain and we naturally want to pursue pleasure.  It’s a very worldly way of looking at meaning and purpose in life.  Most mental health professionals don’t understand the meaning of the cross.  They don’t understand the importance of redemptive suffering.  And hey, it’s not easy to grasp deeply the meaning of the cross.  There’s a lot of ways that people, even Catholics, even faithful devout Catholics get the meaning of the Cross wrong.  The meaning of the cross is not intuitive to the vast majority of us, it’s not available to unaided human reason.  We need divine revelation to understand the meaning of the cross and why the cross is a gift that almost everybody rejects.  Remember that the cross is a stumbling block and a folly – Christ’s cross was seen by the Jews of his day as disgraceful, shameful, a sign that he was cursed by God.  To the Greeks of the day, focused the cycles of time, on order, on harmony, on beauty, the crucifixion was jarring, discordant event, and the resurrection hard to believe.    But all things work together for good for those who love the Lord – Romans 8:28.  All things.  Therefore all things can be gifts.  If we are loving the Lord, we can receive our sufferings, as gifts, as our crosses that will bring us to salvation, to the joys of eternal life.  Now this can be extremely difficult to do.&...

Episode 20.  Resilience: Ten Factors June 15, 2020 Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 20, where we are starting a multi-episode deep dive into resilience and discuss 10 elements that constitute resilience as defined by the general literature.  Today we are going to define resilience and cover 10 primary resilience factors – from a secular perspective.  This is episode 20 entitled Resilience: Ten Factors and it is released on June 15, 2020.  In the next episodes were are going to get much more into how to develop greater resilience.  In the next episode, we are also going to get into a Catholic understanding of resilience that incorporates what we know to be true by our faith.  But for today, we are starting with how secular psychology defines resilience.  We are looking at the elements that secular psychology states are the factors of resilience.  We want a solid conceptual base, we are being catholic with a small c here, meaning universal.  I’m drawing from many sources here, but there’s one book that stands out, one book that I’m using in particular for this episode, because of how it’s based in research and its simple, effective organization.  It includes insights from neuroscience research, and it has great illustrative stories, so it’s more than readable, it’s engaging.  The book is “Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges by Steven Southwick and Dennis Charney.  The book is now in its second edition and I like their structure and their emphasis on looking for research-based evidence, not just their personal experience.  So what is resilience?  What does secular psychology mean by resilience?  Let’s define resilience.   It’s definition time.  [Cue sound effect]The American Psychological Association defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress— such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.” Let’s break that down.   In the secular world, resilience is about adapting yourself to life’s demands, it’s about handling the challenges and curve balls that life throws at you with poise.  It’s about recovering previous levels.  It’s about getting up as many times as you are knocked down by dangers and misfortunes, it’s about journeying on under the load of troubles and difficulties that life brings us.  It’s about not succumbing to failure, not collapsing under stress, not being destabilized by hardships and tough situations.The word resilience derives from the present participle of the Latin verb resilire, meaning "to jump back" or "to recoil." The concept of psychological resilience draws from physics.  In physics, resilience is the ability of an elastic material (such as rubber) to absorb energy when it is deformed by some agent and release that energy as it springs back to its original shape.  Imagine a racquetball flying back to the player, [cue sound] who strikes the ball with the racquet, squeezing the ball, flattening the rubber.  The ball absorbs the energy of the swing and then in its resilience, it launches off the racquet, discharging all that energy as it flies away.  What resilience is not:  Misconceptions that people have.  Being resilient does not mean you won’t struggle, suffer or experience adversity.  It also doesn’t mean that hardships and challenges don’t affect you.  It’s not stoicism and it’s not being numb or nonreactive.  It’s not about not having needs.  Resilience is adapting well, regaining your shape after you’ve been knocked hard, just like that racquetball springing back into shape.  It’s not a fixed trait – it is something that can be learned, practiced, improved.  And that is what this series on resilience is all about – it’s about helping you become more resilient in the face of this coronavirus crisis, so you can be loved and you can love God and others.  So what are the 10 factors of resilience, according to Southwick and Charney?  Let’s just list them, and then we will go into more depth on each one.  Remember, I am using their language here and keeping their focus on a general audience.  In future episodes, we are going to ground the concept of resilience in a Catholic worldview and we are going to really tweak these.  These will be in the show notes on our website, so you can find them there, no need to take notes.  Really listen in, take these in.  In future episodes in this sequence, we will get much more into how do you cultivate these factors, how do you bring them together.  Right now, we are pursuing understanding.  1.      Optimism:  The Belief in a brighter future – that things will turn out well.   With enough hard work, I will succeed.  Can’t be a blind optimism – not a naïve optimism.  Looking on the bright side of life.  Dwell on the positive.  Glass half empty vs. half full.   2.      Facing Fear:  Not avoiding fear.  Southwick and Charney are really talking about courage here.  Not just giving into fear.  Courage is not the absence of fear – it’s overcoming fear, it’s not letting fear master you.  But it’s not just the development of virtue.  There are test techniques that help with this and we will get into those techniques.  Facing fear with friends, colleagues and with spiritual support – general audience, but here is the spiritual entering in.   3.      A Moral Compass, Ethics, and Altruism:  Doing What is Right  -- Southwick and Charney don’t have much patience or acceptance for moral relativism.  They advise having a moral compass and consulting it.  Getting outside yourself, not being self-absorbed.  Here they focus in on courage again.  Having a backbone.  They discuss how sometimes the choices are extremely difficult.    4.      Religion and Spirituality: Drawing on Faith – really interesting in a book for general audience.  Especially helpful in fearing death. – This is not the end.   5.      Social Support  -- can’t be isolated, can’t be alone.  We need to reach out.  Social support protects against physical and mental illness.  Social neuroscience.    6.      Role Models:  We all need them.  We can’t raise ourselves.  We need mentor, guides to help us find our way.  Parents, other relatives, teachers, coaches, friends, colleagues, even children – our own or others.  People that show us the way.  Breaking out from the effects of negative role models, not imitating our parents or others clo...

Episode 19:  Healing from Losses, Healing with GriefJune 8, 2020Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 19, Healing from Losses, Healing with Grief, released on June 8, 2020.  And in this episode we really get into how do we heal?  How do we move through our losses and heal?Story TimeRemember the story of Richard and Susan from Episode 17?  Let’s catch up with them and see how they are doing.  Now Richard and Susan have been married 28 years, and their three sons are 27, 25, and 23 years old, and all have moved out of the home and are very busy with their lives.  Richard is 61 years old and is somewhat emotionally reserved – he was introverted, and didn’t talk a lot about feelings.  He is not that interested in religion, but usually attends Sunday Mass with Susan. He had risen in management at his international engineering firm, eventually leading a team of six in joint venture in artificial intelligence with a foreign company.   When that joint venture ended abruptly due to the other firm stealing intellectual property, and the coronavirus lockdowns happened, Richard was laid off.  With the worsening economic environment, it’s unlikely he will return to that position.  He is struggling with identity issues now, as he has been so invested in his work for so many years. After the layoff he initially kept himself busy with home projects and tinkering with go karts, but lately he has been much more withdrawn and spent much more time distracting himself on the internet, and also experimenting with day-trading stocks.  Susan is 60, she is more extroverted, much more emotionally expressive with a wide circle of friends and acquaintances.  Susan is eagerly awaiting grandchildren now that her oldest son has married.  She had been hoping that with her husband home from work and their sons moved out, they would renew their relationship, but there is more distance than ever.  Susan has been troubled by the emotional distance in her marriage for the last 25 years, and doesn’t know what to do about it, and for several years there has been almost no physical closeness.  This is more acute for her now, that her social activities and connections have been curtailed by the social distancing restrictions.  Twenty years ago, Susan experienced a real deepening of her faith and she began to practice it more seriously, with a regular prayer life an occasional daily Mass and regular confession.  She had a scare with breast cancer five years ago from which she recovered.  She continues to be in high demand as a professional translator in Spanish and Italian.   She has been deeply worried upon finding out two weeks that the first case of the coronavirus has been confirmed at her mother’s assisted living facility.  Now her 87 year old mother has shortness of breath, a fever, fatigue and a cough.  Now her mother’s health is failing rapidly as they wait for the results of a COVID-19 test.  Susan also recently discovered a pornographic pop up window on her husband’s home office desktop.   She asked her husband about it, but he said it was nothing.    Quick review from episode 17, where we made clear some definitions.  Loss: deprived of a real, tangible good.  Something good is taken from us – it can be the loss of an actual good, or a potential good.Grief is our individual experience of loss –Grief is our reaction to the loss.  It’s our experience of the loss.  Psychological, physical, behavioral, emotional.   Mourning is a public expression of our grief, it’s what we show to others.  Mourning is how we show our grief.   For Richard            Loss – loss of job, loss of income, loss of identity, confronting aging and physical decline (no more go-karting, too hard on the body)            Grief – Six stages:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, Making Meaningexpressed through increased activity initially, seeking distractions through focusing attention (excitement of day trading), seeking comfort in increased pornography use, emotional and physical withdrawal, numbing negative emotions            Mourning – façade of being unaffected, brushing off attempts at connection, consolation  For Susan:            Loss – Loss of mother, loss of trust in her husband, loss of illusions about marriage            Grief – Six stages:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, Making Meaningcrying, sadness, anger at husband (sense of betrayal), body image issues (sexually undesirable) regret over lost time, “wasting her life” in the marriage, accepting her husband as he is and loving him anyway.  Concentration difficulties.              Mourning – sharing with friends, bereavement group, letter to Mom, writing poetry, prayer, reading,   Helpful tips 1.       Remember that any loss that God permit is a gift.  He only permits losses to provide a greater good to the one who grieves.  We may not see that – we may only see it in a conceptual, intellectual way, and not feel it.  But our feelings do not dictate reality, and they don’t always reflect reality.  Romans 8:28.  All things work together for good, for those who love the Lord.  If we can conceptualize losses as gifts, we can look for the gift in spite of the grief, in spite of the pain.  2.      Feel the pain of the grief.  Allow yourself to feel it.  Accept your emotions, whatever they are.  Don’t pack it away in amber.  This is what Richard originally tried to do – just wanted to move on with life, considered retirement, porn use to help him feel better, have a sense of control.  a.       Allow the time for grief – packed schedule  -- Susan cut back her work schedule.  b.      Allow for not understanding – when you are grieving you may not understand and that’s ok.  – relief comes not from understanding and knowing, but from confidence, trust, and relational connection.  Think of little kids.  3.      Share the grief with someone you trust– a friend, friend, family member, counselor, confessor – talk about the losses.  Susan’s friend Valerie – listened to her.  a.       Particularly important to share this grief in prayer.  With God.  With Mary, or with another saint.  Guardian angel.  Share it and listen.  b.      Providential view.  We may not unde...

Episode 18:  Grief vs. DepressionGrief:Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   Ok, so I know we’re now into some really heavy, difficult times in our country and in our world.  There’s lots of things going on – we have the pandemic, we have partial lockdowns and closures, we have major unemployment issues, nearly half of small businesses are in danger of shutting down permanently.  We have escalating tensions with Xi Jinping’s government in China and the possibility of the cold war with China turning hot.   We now have riots and looting over the tragic death of George Floyd while under arrest by a Minneapolis police officer, we have very flawed and contentious politicians battling with each other in petty ways in an election year, we have growing revelations of corruption by current and former government officials and bureaucrats. There is a growing lack of confidence in our government, our news media and in our secular and religious institutions.  None of these factors changes the basic Gospel message.  None of them.  None of them can keep us from psychological and spiritual growth, unless we let ourselves be kept down.  We need to rise up, we need to go beyond mere resiliency, to become even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 18, entitled “Grief vs. Depression” released on June 1, 2020. Today, we’re going to really dive into the difference between grief and depression, and to illustrate the difference between grief and depression, we’ll be looking at five people from the Scriptures.First, though, I want to offer a big Thank you to all the Resilient Catholics: Carpe Diem community members who came to our first ever Zoom meeting last Friday evening.  We had a great conversation on unacknowledged or hidden grief.  It was very good for us to get to know each other better and for us to connect and to be in relationship with one another.  Thank you for praying for me, and know that I am praying for you.  So some of you may be asking, Dr. Peter, why, why is it important to know the difference between grief and depression – both of them feel bad, and we want to feel better.  So why bother with the difference?  Normal GriefWaves or intense pages of painful emotion associated with the loss, which gradually soften and diminish over time. Emptiness and loss – something is missing -- but also there are moments of happiness, joy.   Self-esteem generally remains intact.  If there is self-criticism, it tends to be focused on perceived shortcomings about the loss (I should have visited my Mom more often before she died, I should have told her I loved her).Relational connections remain intact.  Able to give and receive in relationships, and can be consoled.  Ruminating on what or who was lost; Hope remains.  Since of life going on.  Thoughts of death and dying focused on the lost person and perhaps reconnecting  with the loved one in heaven.  Some loss of desire to live on, but not overt wishes or impulses toward suicide. Distress, sadness activated by memories or reminders of the loss.   Clinical Depression Sadness, distress experienced continually over timeOngoing depressed mood with anhedonia – unable to enjoy good thingsFeelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, with self-criticism.  Critical toward self, feelings of worthlessness, and self-loathing.  This is much more general.  May involve significant shame.  Emotional withdrawal from others – perhaps with avoidance.  Could be a physical withdrawal as well.  Difficulty being consoledSelf-critical or pessimistic thoughts; tendency toward a loss of hope.  Suicidal thoughts related to feelings of being unworthy of life, or of not wanting to live anymore.  Suicide considered an escape from unbearable pain with no other answers.  Depressed mood is not tied to specific thoughts or preoccupations Let's flesh this out with examples of grief vs. clinical depression from Scripture:Abraham’s GriefGenesis 23: Sarah’s Death and Burial23 Sarah lived one hundred twenty-seven years; this was the length of Sarah’s life. 2 And Sarah died at Kiriath-arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan; and Abraham went in to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her. 3 Abraham rose up from beside his dead, and said to the Hittites, 4 “I am a stranger and an alien residing among you; give me property among you for a burying place, so that I may bury my dead out of my sight.”David is one of the most expressive men in the Bible.   David’s Grief: 2 Samuel 1Saul and Jonathan, beloved and lovely!     In life and in death they were not divided; they were swifter than eagles,     they were stronger than lions.24 O daughters of Israel, weep over Saul,     who clothed you with crimson, in luxury,     who put ornaments of gold on your apparel.25 How the mighty have fallen     in the midst of the battle!Jonathan lies slain upon your high places. 26     I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; greatly beloved were you to me;     your love to me was wonderful,David’s Depression Psalm 38O Lord, rebuke me not in thy anger,     nor chasten me in thy wrath! 2 For thy arrows have sunk into me,     and thy hand has come down on me.3 There is no soundness in my flesh     because of thy indignation; there is no health in my bones     because of my sin. 4 For my iniquities have gone over my head;     they weigh like a burden too heavy for me.5 My wounds grow foul and fester     because of my foolishness, 6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;     all the day I go about mourning. 7 For my loins are filled with burning,     and there is no soundness in my flesh. 8 I am utterly spent and crushed;     I groan because of the tumult of my heart.13 But I am like a deaf man, I do not hear,     like a dumb man who does not open his mouth. 14 Yea, I am like a man who does not hear,     and in whose mouth are no rebukes..21 Do not forsake me, O Lord!     O my God, be not far from me! 22 Make haste to help me,     O Lord, my salvation! ElijahElijah God’s judgments and warnings to several Israelite kings, including the despotic Ahab and his formidable  wife, Jezebel.. Here, Elijah had a great victory over 450 of Baal's prophets on Mt. Carmel, however, he remained fearful of Jezebel's revenge.  He proved not only the power of...

Episode 17:  Loss, Grief, Mourning and Resilience – How do They Go Together?Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 17, released on May 25, 2020 entitled Loss, Grief, Mourning and Resilience – How do They Go Together?Some of you have been in touch with me and asked for work on Grief, which we touched on in Episode 3 with the loss of the sacraments in the lockdown.  There’s been conversation about grief on the discussion boards in the Resilient Catholic: Carpe Diem Community space in Souls and Hearts, and now we are going to dive deep into this whole area of grief.  We are going to do two podcast episodes on grief and the coronavirus, and I will be doing one Zoom meeting for our members.  Seating is very limited for that, I’m only taking on 12 for that meeting at 7:30 PM eastern time on Friday, May 29, I saw one or maybe two open seats left, so check that out at Souls and Hearts.  Joining the community is free for the first 30 days, so come check it out at Souls and Hearts.com.   Our thinking can be heavily impacted when we are experience intense emotions, so let’s really get some clarity, let’s shine some light on things now.  The first thing, really quickly, is to define a few terms around grief, loss, and mourning. Let’s get our vocabulary straight, because that really helps our thinking.    We’re going to start with the concept of loss, loss – and that’s because loss comes before grief.  Loss always comes before grief.  Loss precedes grief.  So we’re going in order here, and starting with loss.  There are two kinds of loss:  Actual Loss and what I call the Loss of Potential.  Actual loss and the loss of potential.    Actual loss is the loss of a real, tangible good.  Something good is taken from us.  It could be death of a loved one, when we lose the relationship, with its intimacy, connection, the love.  It can also mean the actual loss of some part of us – our sense of hearing for example, or the Loss of Potential –  this is the loss of possibilities that we hoped for – something anticipated in the future.   a wedding that will never happen, children that will never be born, a promotion that will not come now, etc.  It also includes words that were never said, words that were never heard, stories that will never be finished.   Grieving at a funeral of family members – not of the actual loss of the abusive, alcoholic, philandering husband – not for the loss of the actual person.  But for the symbolic loss – no longer married, no longer the possibility of living happily ever after.  Grief is our individual experience of loss – so remember, the loss is the good we no longer have. Grief is our reaction to the loss.  It’s our experience of the loss.  And that experience is emotional – sadness, anxiety, irritability we may feel mood swings -- or we may feel nothing apathyPsychological – disbelief, impaired concentration and attention, flashbacks, ruminations, going over and over some memory of the person.   Grief is also physical – for example when the tears flow, have intense fatigue, headaches, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping.   Grief is also expressed through behavior – the heavy sigh, when put our hands to our heads and groan or when we withdraw and sit alone in a dark room.   The experience of grief varies a lot from person to person, situation to situation.  It can be painful, sometime exquisitely painful, horrendously painful, it may seem intolerable.  Sometimes it’s much more quiet.  It may also be bittersweet, or even have a sense of peace in it, such as when a loved one suffering from a terminal illness dies well.  There are different kinds of grief, and we’re going to get into that later in this podcast, but for now, let’s understand that grief is our individual experience of loss.  And with grief comes mourning.  Mourning is a public expression of our grief, it’s what we show to others.  Mourning is how we show our grief.  How we share our grief with others.  How we connect in grief.  Some of this is conditioned by our culture – 3 rifle volleys salutes for deceased veterans, funerals, eulogies, the chicken dinner in the parish hall after the Mass, tossing a handful of dirt on the grave.  Review the above:             Actual Loss            Loss of potential             Grief            MourningSo how can we really solidify our understanding of these definitions?  How can we make these concepts come alive?  Hmmm.  Let me think.  [Ding]  I’ve got it!  How about a story, to make all this come together for us?  I think that’s a great idea.  So it’s story time with Dr. Peter.  Story Time:Richard and Susan (not an actual case).  We’re going back in time 20 years, back to the early 2000s.  At that point, Richard and Susan had been married for eight years.  He was an engineer with an excellent job, highly successful and creative at work.  He really loved their three young sons, aged seven, five and three.  Susan was a professional translator in Spanish and Italian.   She had travelled and lived abroad before her marriage at age 32.  They had met through mutual friends, and both were nominally Catholic, attended Mass on Sundays and their sons were baptized, but it was not a central part of their lives.  Richard was somewhat emotionally reserved and kind of introverted didn’t talk a lot about feelings, and had always been into racing go-karts.  Now he was getting the oldest son into the hobby in a mini go kart and really enjoying that together. Susan was more extroverted, and maintained a lot of connections with her professional women friends, many of whom were younger than her and unmarried and still living in Italy and Spain. Susan really wanted a daughter, and had been going through some recent fertility issues, there were medical complication.  Richard felt he had enough kids, at least in his opinion.  But at age 40, after a deepening of her prayer life – she began to take her faith more seriously -- she conceived again, and the ultrasound indicated the baby was a girl.  She was so excited, and at 22 weeks everything was going well.  And then complications with the placenta started, and by 24 weeks the baby had died.  Susan miscarried her baby daughter and because of medical complications, also wound up with a hysterectomy.  All right. So we have the story or at least the beginning of the story.  Let’s work with the story.So what was the actual loss – remember the actual loss...

Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem Episode 16:  Who Am I, Really?  Identity and Resiliency May 18, 2020 Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 16, released on May 18, 2020 entitled Who Am I, Really?  Identity and Resiliency In the last episode, we discussed the main sign of psychological health.  I asked you to send in your thoughts about what is that main sign.  In the Resilient Catholics Carpe Diem community space at Souls and Hearts, which we launched a week ago, I was having a great exchange with Kathleen which spurred me on to some further consideration about integration, resiliency and especially identity.  Really want to thank you, Kathleen.   Alright, I want to take you back with, way back to the beginning human history, come on with me to Genesis 3.  We’re picking it up in the middle of the story.  Adam and Eve have fallen to Satan’s temptation and eaten the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Let’s listen to the story but be thinking about the theme of identity – Who Adam and Eve were, and how they saw themselves.  That’s what I want you to keep in mind.  So put your listening ears on, and get ready -- It’s story time with Dr. Peter. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons.  And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of thee in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.” Here we see a radical shift in both who Adam and Eve really were – they had been in a state of grace and now they have fallen into sin.  Also, though, you have a radical shift in how Adam and Eve see themselves.  They hear God walking in the garden, gently calling out to them – and God, being all know, He knew exactly where they were.  In his gentleness, in His consideration for them, he didn’t want to startle them or disconcert them any more than they already were.  He was calling out to let them know He was coming.  And their response – to be afraid, to hide from him.  Their identities were devastated.  Think about what just happened.   Very difficult to underestimate the catastrophic psychological effects of the fall.  We get the physical effects of the fall, the effects of the fall on our bodies --  Subjective identity includes the experiences (and how we recall those experiences), the close relationships, and values that come together to form one’s subjective sense of self.  You might say subjective identity is who we feel ourselves to be, in the given moment.  For some that sense of identity is more consistent and stable, and for others, it may vary more from day to day.   Conscious Subjective Identity  Who we profess ourselves to be. Unconscious Subjective Identity – Parts of us that hold assumptions about us that are not available in conscious awareness.  There are moments when these unconscious assumptions break into conscious awareness – particularly when we are stressed, tired, overwhelmed.  These moments are when our regular defenses open up and some of what we keep out of awareness starts bubbling up.   Example: Remember the Boasting Traveler from Aesop’s fable in the last episode  -  episode 15- you know, the one how bragged about how he made the most prodigious leap in the city of Rhodes?  That traveler was troubled with narcissism – deep sense of sense of inferiority, weakness, shame, and inadequacy.  These were not in conscious awareness – but those unconscious beliefs existed and they influenced and motivated his behavior to try to impress others.  But then the bystander punctured his puffed up presentation – challenged his boast and may have deflated him, brought him into contact with his own inadequacy, both real and felt.   Another example of unconscious subjective assumptions about ourselves. Let’s look at  dependency.  Dependent people may not be in touch with their deep unconscious beliefs that they will only have their needs met if they are subordinated to more powerful others – they need the powerful other person to make them whole or complete.   Every personality style every personality disorder has implications for our conscious and unconscious assessments of ourselves.  In a word, every personality style reflects assumptions about our identity. So let’s break this concept of identity down into a more fine-grained analysis.  Come on with me as we go deeper into this.   Objective identity is who we actually are.  How God knows us to be.  The reality of who we are.  This doesn’t depend at all on our opinion of ourselves.  This isn’t as much in fashion these days, the concept of objective reality.  Divine revelation, which doesn’t care much about current fads and fashions in secular psychology, though, Divine revelation teaches us a lot about who we are as human beings – objective reality from the One who is Truth.   Subjectivism is the doctrine that "our own mental activity is the only unquestionable fact of our experience", instead of shared or communal, and that there is no external or objective truth.  My truth.  You have your truth and I have my truth.  And there is no objective truth.   But reality has a way of hanging around – even in secular psychology.  So we still have the concepts of delusions and hallucinations—characteristic of departing from reality, breaking with reality.   So those three elements – 1.      Who we really are in the mind of God (objective reality)2.      Who we profess ourselves to be3.      What we unconsciously assume ourselves to be Relate these back to Adam and Eve Triangle of Pathology – 1:  who we really on in God’s eyes  2: Who we believe ourselves to be in our conscious awareness – this is who we profess ourselves to be – “I am a beloved child of God”.  3: The unconscious beliefs we hold about ourselves those that are outside of conscious awareness, but that still impact us.   When those three points come together into a single point, we are grounded in reality.  The size and the shape of the triangle tell us something about how well adjusted we are.   Exercise – go back and remember how you thought about yourself wh...

 Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem Episode 15:  The Main Sign of Psychological Health May 11, 2020 Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 15, released on May 11, 2020 entitled The Main Sign of Psychological Health. In the previous 11 episodes, we have described and discussed the four pillars of resilience:  Mindset, Heartset, Bodyset and Soulset.  Now, we are getting to the really fascinating exploration of how these four pillars interact.  We’re diving into our internal psychological lives to see how our psychological strengths and weaknesses impact our resiliency but also how they affect our spiritual lives.  Because as a Catholic psychologist, I’m really focused on how psychological factors, our psychological structures, our psychological functioning, our entire psychological lives impact how we accept love from God and how we love God in return.  It all boils down to that.  If what I do as Catholic psychologist doesn’t at least help others to accept God’s love and to love God in return – then I am missing the point of the greatest commandment.   So what is the main sign of psychological health?  What is it?  Take a minute and consider it.  What do you think the main distinguishing characteristic of mental health is?  Let’s struggle with this a bit.  In fact, some of you gutsier types might even be willing to stop this podcast for a few minutes and write down your ideas before you listen further.  Write them down, email them to me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or text them to me at 317.567.9594 – let me know before you continue on.  Let me know what you are thinking!  I want to hear from you.  The answer to the question of what is the main sign of psychological health may not be what you think.  Let’s explore this together   I promise that I will tell you what this central, essential psychological characteristic is.  Not only that, today, I’m going to go over with you the disadvantages of not having that essential quality.  I’m also going to give you a bunch of examples of why this particular quality matters so much and I’m also going to give you some guidance in how to overcome the deficits you have in that area.  All today, all for you.  So hang in there with me.    We are going to start with a story, with a fable by Aesop which will help to illustrate the point.  I really want this to stick with you.  So it’s storytime with Dr. Peter.   A man who had traveled in foreign lands boasted very much, on returning to his own country, of the many wonderful and heroic feats he had performed in the different places he had visited.  Among other tales, he told his listeners that when he was at Rhodes, he had leaped to such a distance that no man of his day could leap anywhere near him as to that.  The traveler claimed there were in Rhodes many persons who saw his prodigious leap, and he could call them in as his witnesses.  The traveler firmly believed his own tale and was adamant about his abilities, and was convincing many of his listeners.  One bystander, though, interrupted him, and said:  "Now, my good man, if this be all true we have no need of witnesses in Rhodes.  Let’s pretend that we are in Rhodes.  Let us see you leap!  Jump for us!" What kind of personality does the boasting traveler demonstrate in this little vignette?   What do you think?  Dependent, Schizoid, Obsessive, Paranoid, Self-defeating, hysterical, psychopathic, narcissistic, depressive, dissociative --  what do you think.   One might argue that you can’t definitively assign a personality style to an imagined character – Oh, but I can.  And I am going to do it, right now.   I see this character, the boasting traveler as narcissistic.  Many of you may have guessed that.  People with narcissistic styles work hard to maintain a very fragile sense of self-worth by getting affirmation from outside themselves.  Something very important is missing – they don’t have deep sense of essential goodness – that they are good because they exist and are made in the image and likeness of God.  At a deep level, often in their unconscious, they feel loveless and fraudulent and are very frightened of their inner sense of inferiority, weakness, shame, and inadequacy.  They work really hard to keep this out of awareness by focusing on the admiration and complements of others.  But their efforts so often backfire and they wind up exactly where they don’t want to be – exposed, ashamed, rejected, despised, alienated from others – like the boasting traveler in the vignette.   Whenever there is psychological disorder, there are disconnects in the internal working of the person. In the case of the traveler, with his narcissism, his idealized image of himself as a great jumper is disconnected from his actual ability.  He is also disconnected from his deep needs and his deep desires, which are buried in his unconscious.  So where there is psychological disorder and distress there are disconnects from reality, internal psychological elements are no longer interconnected, they are split off and fractured, and we break down.   We all have what I call gut-level or intuitive of what it means to be psychological healthy.   You hear this in casual language.   When we describe in casual language someone who is nosediving in his psychological functioning, we say that “He is breaking down.”  “He is falling apart.”  He is losing it.   On the other hand, Someone we see as psychologically well-adjusted – we say that person has got it all together.  He has his act together.  He has all his ducks in a row.   This brings us back to the question:  What is the main sign of psychological health?  The main sign of psychological health is Integration.  The main sign of psychological health is internal integration.  Integration.   Having it all together. So let’s go deeper into that – what does being integrated look like?    It means accepting things in us that we might not like.  We’re not endorsing them or embracing them, but we accept that they exists in us.   Being integrated means that you are aware and accept our emotions, even the ones we don’t like.               For example anger and hatred.  Anger at our parents, our spouses, our children, our God.  Or deep disappointment.  Knowing our heartset.   Being integrated means that you are aware and accept our thoughts, even the ones we don’t like.               Not dwelling on them.  Knowin...

Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem Episode 14:  Soulset:  The core of usMay 4, 2020Screwtape letters:  From the experienced demon Screwtape to his nephew Wormwood – Screwtape is teaching Wormwood the ins and outs of tempting men, trying to drag their souls to hell.  When Screwtape refers to the Enemy he means God.  “Be not deceived, Wormwood, our cause is never more in jeopardy than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe in which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.Cue musicWelcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  Soul CCC: The spiritual principle of human beings. The soul is the subject of human consciousness and freedom; soul and body together form one unique human nature. Each human soul is individual and immortal, immediately created by God.  Soulset.  Soulset is essentially our attitude of soul, how we orient our governing spiritual principle.  Soulset is the core of a man or woman or child. It can and does operate independently of mindset and heartset, both of which are bound up in the body.  Our soulset reflects how we see God, and how we see ourselves in relationship with God, how we see God viewing us.   Consider the man that Screwtape was describing.  A man who has lost his desire for God, who experiences God as vanished, gone, who feels forsaken, alone.  Heartset.  Mindset.  Bodyset curling up.   But he still intends to do the will of God.  In spite of all that his wounded, heart is telling him, all that his confused mind is telling him, all that his aching body is telling him, he still – that man still intends to do the will of God.  That is an admirable man.  The way I’m describing soulset includes our conscience, The council's Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World (Gaudium et Spes) defines conscience "as man's most secret core, and his sanctuary. There he is alone with God, whose voice echoes in his depths. By conscience, in a wonderful way, that law is made known which is fulfilled in the love of God and one's neighbor" (16).  And I love the idealism and I believe every word of this definition.  It was extremely helpful to me when I was experiencing an existential crisis at age 22.  This paragraph was precious to me, in its idealism and its beauty and the way it shows the dignity of men and women and children.  But.  Here’s the But.  but I’m a psychologist, I work with people in messy, painful situations with raw emotions and excruciating, unresolved experiences.  I don’t have the luxury of just retreating and staying in the realm of ideas like philosophers or theologians can.  I’m down here in the trenches often with people who are desperate and frantic, whose lives are chaotic, and you know what?  They hardly experience the voice of a loving God echoing in their depths.  They are not experiencing, in this wonderful way that Vatican II describes, God’s law being fulfilled in the love of God and neighbor.  In their distress, they do not seek out a philosopher or a theologian.  Who does that?  Would you do that?  When you are suffering, do you go to internet or pick up the yellow pages and look up philosophers and theologians in your area?   Why not?  Because we need to nourish and heal  not only the mind, but the heart, and the body and the soul, the whole person.  In an integrated way.When people are suffering this can just seem like words words words, blah blah blah, it just doesn’t seem to stick.  Haven’t all of you experienced that?  How many sermons have you heard that might be speaking to your mind, but not the rest of you?   This intellectualized sermons that speak not to your heart, not to your body. Or it can happen the opposite way – a charismatic sermon that speaks to the heart, it really pulls on the heartstrings but it speaks to the heart only, not the mind or soul or body.  How many of you have heard really emotionally moving sermons that were quite confusing or unclear or even heretical in their actual content.  And let’s also just say it like it is.  Some sermons don’t seem to move the heart or the mind or the body or the soul at all.  Just meh.  Dry.  Boring.  Distant.  And then they can start to feel irrelevant, unattuned.  It’s amazing how mediocre some sermons really can be. It’s not that they are evil or anything.  They just aren’t very human.  Dietrich von Hildebrand:God has called us to become new men in Christ…This new life is not destined merely to repose as a secret in the hidden depths of our souls; rather it should work out in a transformation of our entire personality.  Our entire personality. All facets of our psychic life.  And I am going to go farther than that statement.  Not just our entire personality but our entire personhood, all of us.  Every aspect of us.   That’s what we do here.  Souls and Hearts.  Alice von Hildebrand:  How difficult it is for us fallen men to will what God wills, for as much as we believe we love God, we are tempted to love our own will even more.    Our soulset very much depends on our level of security in our relationship with God.   Let’s be clear.  Soulset does not have to be about feelings.  It’s not driven my emotional states.  For example, in a period of desolation, one can have a very open soul, and be growing spiritually by leaps and bounds, very open to the working of the Holy Spirit – but have no consoling feelings and few or no great spiritual insights.  So it can operate very independently from mindset as well.   Importance of integration of heart, soul, mind, body.  

Episode 13:  Bodyset:  Loving and Reverencing Our Bodies – With Dr. Andrew SodergrenJohn Paul II, in Theology of the Body.  The body is the sacrament of the person – there is a certain sacramentality of the body.  A sacrament makes something present, manifest in a concrete way.  The Body reveals the personhood. The body is essential for human beings in order to relate.  The body is essential for prayer.Some heresies devalue the body (e.g. Manicheanism).  God in his infinite holiness took on our human flesh.  This elevated the dignity of the human body.  Our bodies are designed for a sacred purpose, like the sacred vessels for the liturgy.  Like we care for the sacred vessels, we need to care for our bodies.  The way we dress can adorn the body or debase the body.  It is valuable to reflect on how I have fallen short of honoring my body and those of others.   

Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe DiemEpisode 12:  Bodyset:  Accepting our Bodies – with Dr. Andrew Sodergren Show NotesTo accept the body, we need to accept the body as a gift.  Obstacles to receiving our bodies as a gift:1.       Our bodies are imperfect and we are very aware of things we don’t like about our bodies, that fall short of the ideals that we have for our bodies.  Can be superficial issues, or more major issues such as disabilities and major medical problems.  Shame is often body-related.  Body as an obstacle to my self-perfection.  Our body and identity are given to us, not as blank slates.  There is meaning, order, and purpose already built in to our bodies, we discover those, we don’t create or command the meaning, order and purpose of our bodies.  Times when our bodies let us down, not strong enough.  2.      We associate the body with sin or sinfulness.  We can blame the body for sinfulness and hold the body in distrust.  3.      Our bodies link us to other people, especially in our families of origin.  My body reminds me of my past, my family.  4.      How other people have treated our bodies.  How people react to our bodies.  We can despise our bodies because of what our bodies have elicited from others in the past.   There is always a coherent story about why we might have feelings of hatred toward our bodies.  We want to get to the wound, pain, and the story behind the feelings of hatred for the body.  The feelings toward the body and body sensations can point us toward deeper issues and realities.  Hating our bodies means that we are hating ourselves.  Guided reflection on noticing what is going on in your body and receiving it as a gift. Dr. Andrew and Dr. Peter discuss the need to resolve correctable disorder in the body and about the body either in this life or in Purgatory before entering in to heaven.Get in touch at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or at 317.567.9594.  Register at soulsandhearts.com for the podcast as well.