Interior Integration for Catholics

Intro:  This is it, this is the last episode in our 21 episode series on sexuality , our last episode of 14 in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages, it has been a long run, thank you for being hereWe are finishing up with our metaphor of the canopied Catholic Marriage Bed And today we'll be discussing the four bedposts, the canopy, and the bedskirt, bedspread and the shams with more examples.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor.In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. This is episode 70, released on May 31, 2021, entitled Catholic Sex and the Four Pillars -- and the Dos and Don'ts of Sharing about your Sexual Life.Review of the bed Review the bed -- remember this canopied marriage bed represents the sexual life of a married Catholic couple.  The floor -- The Presence of God and His Providence -- everything begins here.  This is the most fundamental piece of the whole metaphor.  We need to be in contact with "I AM" with God who is the source of all reality.  We can't forget thatThe four legs Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation Leg 2.  the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation Leg 3.  Understanding Attachment needs and integrity needs.  Leg 4.  Internal Family Systems  -- Episode 60 --  How well do you really know your spouse? The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately.  IndependentlyThe mattress  Empathetic attunement -- covered that in episode 65, last episode  Two pillows:  Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance -- this is what we are focusing on today.  Pillows support us, comfort us.  Great security with pillows Pam travels with her pillow -- learned this from her friend Cabrina -- comfort in having your own pillow Comfort in being accepted by someone who knows you.  Bottom Sheet:  sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passionTop Sheet:  Communication between the spousesThe blankets:  human warmth, emotional connectionCovering today Four Bedposts -- imagine two spiral intertwined, like the double-helix structure of DNA -- these are the four pillars of Catholic resilience, going all the way back to episode 4 of this podcast  MindsetHeartsetBodysetSoulsetCovering today: The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse.  Covering today:  The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world.  Bedposts Four Sets Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset Double helix structure -- the husband's strand and the wife's strand interwoven, entwined together like the double-helix structure of DNA rising up overhead, looking down on the bed Dynamism of Sets -- not static -- our sets shift, they vary as a function of our parts and what is activated and not activated within us in a given moment. Descriptions review from way back in Episode 4 Bodyset is how our body affects us, how our physical reactions impact us and our dispositions and inclinations.  Mindset is essentially a frame of mind.  Our mindset is the position of our intellect, and how we apply reason to our situation and our experiences. Heartset is the dispositions or the orientation of our heart, the emotional and intuitive ways of our heart.  Soulset is essentially our attitude of soul.  It is the disposition of our spirit, or how our souls is oriented.  It can operate independently of mindset and heartset.  Our soulset reflects how we see God, and how we see ourselves in relationship with God, how we see God viewing us.  Our soulset very much depends on the virtues we have acquired, especially the virtues of faith, hope and charity.  Our soulset is also very dynamic, it can change rapidlyA lot of your human formation is being aware of your own sets -- Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset So much of your empathy for your spouse will involve reading your spouse's sets -- Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset Will this legitimate sexual experience be good for your spouse's mind, heart, soul and body, right now, in these circumstances?  Where is she emotionally, relationally with you?  How is she doing physically right now, how is her soul?Paying attention to common, repeated relational patterns or cycles that happen between you and your spouse. Our parts have very different experiences of sexual intimacy Definition of parts:  Discussed this at length in episodes 60 and 61.  Parts:  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  IFS therapist Robert Falconer calls parts "insiders."  Each part also has its own approach to sexuality.  One part may be blended within you Your spouse may be blended in a part Parts can switch -- episode 61 Fractured, Fragmented Sex in Catholic Marriages described how parts in a sexual encounter can switch rapidly.  Bodyset is how our body affects us, how our physical reactions impact us and our dispositions and inclinations. We are embodied beings, body and soul composites.  Our physical bodies have a huge impact on us.  So our bodyset is the impact of our bodily states on us.   For example, if we are exhausted from a lack of sleep – that has an impact on us.  Obviously our bodyset is dynamic and can change as well. Understanding bodyset is so important in marriage because the bodies of the husband and wife are so united.  Body has a huge impact on our relating.  The bodies of the husband and wife Genesis 2:21-25   So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a ...

Opening Questions (connect to vignettes) Cindy wants to know, "Is oral sex okay in marriage? -- My husband every now and then likes it if I give him a blowjob, just for some variety in our sex life and he says there's no moral problem with that and it turns him on, but I'm not sure what I think and feel about that."    Barbara asks "In episode 61, in the story of Jeff and Joanne, you seemed to say that the husband's kissing of breasts was wrong, that it was disordered.  But I like it when my husband kisses my breasts during foreplay, and it really helps me to be sexually stimulated -- so is that off-limits in a Catholic marriage?" Bill raises the question "I really get turned on when my wife bites me, it helps me to have sex with her, I find I don't have to use Viagra then -- is that ok, or is it better for me to use the Viagra?  I don't want to not be able to have the fullness of sexual intimacy with her…"  The last two episodes brought up questions. These were not the actual questions, but questions like them came up.Today we're going get into this more deeply -- and into how to think about the moral quality of sexual acts in Catholic marriage.  Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God. 'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor This is episode 69, released on May 24, 2021 And it is titled:   Good and Bad Sex in Catholic Marriages: What are the Moral Limits? How far is too far? That all depends on the direction you are going! Augustine -- evil as a privation of the good.  Evil is what happens when there is a vacuum because there isn't any good around.  So if you are attempting to just avoid evil -- makes sure there's no evil in your sex life, you're trying to make a privation of the privation of good.  It's much better to reorient and seek what is good, what is best, whatever that may mean for your sex life.  Even if you may have to give up some things from which you derive pleasure.  Not to condemn the physical pleasure of sexual intimacy -- Not at all Bring that into an ordered hierarchy Lot of confusion about the morality of different sexual expressions Lack of clear guidance on this, almost like a conspiracy of silence when it comes to really getting into specifics.  Lot of terrible advice from all kinds of Catholic sources as well.  It may be well intentioned, but it causes harm.  I could be making mistakes here too -- a lot of this is new territory and not well defined.  -- And to that end, I invite feedback, especially if I teach anything that is in error.  Please get in touch with me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or at 317.567.9594 on Tuesdays and Thursdays between 4:30 PM and 5:30 PM Eastern time in conversations hours.  Citations -- Catechism, Church documents, Canon Law, Denzinger's Compendium, Ludwig Ott Fundamentals of Catholic DogmaDon't email me and tell me that a confessor you went to ten years ago said that anything goes sexually in your marriage and God doesn't mind at all as long as it all leads to vaginal intercourse in the end. That's not helpful.   Learning to reflect and consider thoughtfully our sexual intimacy.Ways of approaching sexual morality Some people want a list List of Dos and Don’ts List of approved sexual activities and a list of activities that are not approved.  Simple, easy to understand, doesn't require much reflection -- is the activity on the good list or the bad list?And there is a bad list -- actually, a pretty long one Acts that can never be ordered, never be oriented to procreation by their very nature Examples Anal sex -- anatomically, anal sex cannot lead to procreation. Oral sex performed by a wife on a husband in which he ejaculates Fetishes in which some body part becomes the focus of sexual interest, like feet or ears or navel or an external object like shoes or underwear Acts that cannot ever be oriented to the bond of marriage because they are degrading to the human person Emphasis on "consenting adults" Issue of mutual hedonism.  -- very worldly Using the spouse for mutual masturbation Using the spouse as a sex toy Examples Impact Play -- spanking, flogging, paddling -- power and domination Bondage -- restraints, dominance and submission -- use of leather belts or handcuffs. Voyeurism -- watching porn together Roleplaying -- power dynamics -- teacher /student Erotic asphyxiation (EA) is the official term for breath play. From healthline.com  This type of sexual activity involves intentionally cutting off the air supply for you or your partner with choking, suffocating, and other acts.  People who are into breath play say it can heighten sexual arousal and make orgasms more intense.  But it isn’t without its risks — and lots of them. It can turn deadly if you don’t take the proper precautions. Does not capture anything like the complexityCatholic Understanding of the morality of human acts Check out with the catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraphs 1749 to 1761 for an excellent discussion of how to evaluate the morality of any given act, including sexual acts.  Very much worth reading We are going to do a brief review of how to evaluate the morality of acts, specifically sexual acts And I promise we won't get to technical or philosophical, will keep this clear CCC 1750 The morality of human acts depends on: - the object chosen; - the end in...

Dr. Peter tells a story of a Catholic couple to show how they were able to recognize, take ownership of and work toward resolution of their sexual issues. The audience is encouraged to engage in active listening and be interested in what the story brings up inside, as a way of identifying potential issues in one's own life.

IIC 67:  Catholic and UnCatholic Sex in Catholic MarriagesSaturday, May 8, 202110:27 AMThe Windup – our common ground, a quick summary of where we are today Let's get down to it.  Most of us Catholic married folk have deep desires within us for authentic, loving, joyful, intimate sexual sharing with our spouses We want to be loving our spouses, we want to make love to our spouses in ways that are healthy, ordered, and holy. We want to know our spouses and be known, to accept our spouses and be accepted, to be loved and to love. And at least intellectually, we know that God  wants that for us too.  The Hurdle:  The shared problem Or at least, we all had those desires in the past.  Maybe we've given up on them.  Maybe we're discouraged, disheartened. So many Catholic spouses are.  It's common and it's tragic.  But it makes sense to me.  Why? Because Sexuality is usually the trickiest and most difficult part of the marriage relationship. Let me say that again.  We want  deep, loving, joyful, intimate sexual sharing with our spousesBut often there's pressure, shame, guilt, anger, conflict, tension, frustration, disagreement, disharmony, sullenness, withdrawal, disconnection, feelings of helplessness, avoidance, resignation and dozens of other painful experiences.  We are wounded in a lot of different ways, and those attachment wound, those integrity wounds impact how Catholic spouses related to each other sexually.  Sex is the most sensitive barometerGod wants Catholic couples not to just have sex -- animals can and do copulate but ordered, healthy sexual intimacy.  Stakes are high.  Our Lady of Fatima on Sexual Sins  Jacinta later revealed that according to Our Lady, “The sins which cause most souls to go to hell are the sins of the flesh,” or sins against chastity.For many Catholic spouses, the sexual situation can seem impossible 28% of Catholic marriages end in divorce, and it's probably safe to say that the sexual intimacy isn't great in those relationships Many, many others suffer from significant problems and issues in the sexual relationship.  There is no other area of Catholic life so fraught with complexity, nuance, so sensitive to disorder and dysfunction in the married life.  Why? Because sex is so often wrenched out of context Procreation Union, the bond of the spouses Catholic spouses often look to their sexual relationship to solve problems that do not originate there.  Misuse of sexuality in the service of trying to get deeper needs met -- attachment needs and integrity needs.  Episode 62But you know what?  There are solutions.  There are ways out, even for spouses who are really jaded, really disheartened and discouraged.  And we are going to talk about those ways out, the promise of solutions.  We're going to talk about the Good News of Catholic sexual married life today. All things, all things work together for good for those who love the Lord.  Romans 8:28.  All things.  No exceptions.  All things, St. Paul tells us, there is no asterisk or footnote that excludes your particular sexual situation.  All things.  The caveat -- for those who love the Lord.  That means childlike trust, great confidence.  So many Catholic couples could have such a better life of sexual intimacy.  That is so possible, even though it may not seem believable, because of a history of disappointment, false starts, and discouragement. If you feel like you're Charlie Brown and I'm Lucy, holding a football for you, about to yank it away when you try one more time… I get that.  Stay with me, listen a while longer, and see if you find some new ideas, new ways of looking at things.  I know it may be that you've been married 20, 30 years or more -- but some and see what I have to say.  I am clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski, your host and guide This is episode 67 of the weekly podcast Interior Integration for Catholics And it is titled: Catholic and UnCatholic Sex in Catholic Marriages Thank you for being here with me Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our online outreach Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com Which is all about your human formation, all about shoring up your natural foundation for a solid Catholic spiritual life We are doing a whole series of episodes on Sexuality in Catholic Marriages We are using the image of a Catholic canopied marriage bed. And today, we are focusing on the the Fitted Sheet, the top sheet and the blankets Fitted Sheet -- Eros, the sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion, the actual physical, sexual contact Top Sheet -- Communication between the Catholic spouses Blankets -- Heartfelt warmth and affection, the emotional connection.  The Vision  -- The inspiring option, the way over the problem Four Major point -- Four central concepts.  The human and spiritual formation of the spouse influence the quality of their sexual experience. Sex always happens in a relational contextThe relational context influences the quality of the sexual experience between the spousesSexual intimacy is a great good, but there are time when it may not be best.  Repeat the four points.  The human and spiritual formation of the spouse influence the quality of their sexual experience.  Human formation of the husband and wife are two of the four legs of the bed.  Focusing in here again on interior integration -- how integrated are we in the sexual sphere That sexual integration is going to depend on our human formation -- and on all the aspect represented in the Catholic canopied marriage bed check out Episode 58.  Another leg of the bed is understanding ourselves and our spouse from an Internal Family Systems perspective, which I think is so helpful.  As living human being, we have a unity -- each human person is one But also each human person has parts. within each person are separate collections thoughts, emotions, attitudes, impulses, desires, abilities, interests, relational styles, body sensations, and worldviews that are not just transient emotional states, but rather constitute discrete “parts,” subpersonalities or distinct modes of operating within the person’s larger internal system -- they seem like selves within us. Each part within us can phenomenologically seem like its own little person, with its own particular range of emotion, style of e...

Intro It is good to have you with us, Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist Weekly Podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Part of our Online outreach Souls and Hearts and soulsandhearts.com Which is all about your human formation, all about shoring up your natural foundation for a solid Catholic spiritual life.  Episode 66 Acceptance vs. Endorsement: A Critical Difference in Catholic Marriages.   we are in the middle of a series on Sexuality in Catholic Marriages, but there is so much in here that is relevant about all kinds of close relationships.  Where have we been?  Review the bed -- remember this canopied marriage bed represents the sexual life of a married Catholic couple.  The floor -- The Presence of God and His Providence -- everything begins here.  This is the most fundamental piece of the whole metaphor.  We need to be in contact with "I AM" with God who is the source of all reality.  We can't forget thatThe four legs Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation Leg 2.  the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation Leg 3.  Understanding Attachment needs and integrity needs.  Leg 4.  Internal Family Systems  -- Episode 60 --  How well do you really know your spouse? In that episode, I made five bold assertions: You don't really know your spouse.  Your spouse doesn't really know you.  Your Father doesn't or didn't really know your mother Your mother doesn't or didn't really know your father And you don't really know you.  Gave evidence for those bold claims are likely, not going to repeat all that evidence here, you can go to Episode 60 and listen to them again.  For those of you listeners who are married: Can seem like spouse have such widely varying modes of operating like they can be even different people when they are in these different modes of being. Remember what your spouse or someone close to you is like when they are different states -- like when they are really angry, or really sad, or really anxious or really happy.  How different they think, how their worldview changes in these different states.  what we call parts:  Parts are constellations of emotions, body sensations, thoughts, feelings, impulses, assumptions about the world and so many other things.  Internal Family Systems thinking help us to make sense of our own internal experience and others' internal experience, breaking us out of the model that we have just one monolithic, homogenous personality.  That's what episodes 60 and 61 are all about Surprising how not integrated the husband's internal object representations of his wife are -- surprising how unintegrated a wife's internal object representation of her husband can be.  How confused.  Definition time with Dr. Pete,  Definition of internal object -- Roots in Freud, really developed my Melanie Klein: Internal object refers to the mental representation that results from how we have taken others inside of us and viewed them.  Not necessarily similar to who the person actually is, it's how we construe the person to be, which depends heavily on our subjective experiences, including how we experience ourselves. Two dimensional -- sometimes even one dimensional You are the person who is supposed to make me feel better about myself, help me avoid shame Fragmented How much husbands and wives don't see in and about each other.   Three of these four legs are really helpful in accepting what the actual realities are inside your spouse.  The fourth one is great to have, but it's not as essential.  It's the one that we sometimes require first, though Just tell me what's going on -- assumption that she knows what's going on.  90% unconscious.  Sometimes she just cant.  The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately.  IndependentlyThe mattress  Empathetic attunement -- covered that in episode 65, last episode  Two pillows:  Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance -- this is what we are focusing on today.  Pillows support us, comfort us.  Great security with pillows Pam travels with her pillow -- learned this from her friend Cabrina -- comfort in having your own pillow Comfort in being accepted by someone who knows you.  Bottom Sheet:  sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passionTop Sheet:  Communication between the spousesThe blankets:  human warmth, emotional connectionFour Bedposts -- imagine two spiral intertwined, like the double-helix structure of DNA Mindset Heartset Bodyset Soulset The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse.  The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world.  Lay of the land:  Loving -- three elements:  Benevolence, Capacity, Commitment/ConsistencyNot only do we not understand our spouses very wellWe also don't accept the realities about our spouses that we do understand or the realities that we could understand if we allowed ourselves to see. But so often we parts that don't want us to see who our spouses really are.   Some of that is due to confusion between acceptance and endorsement.  Acceptance vs. endorsement -- Definitions Acceptance -- acknowledging the reality of who I am in my entirety, all my parts with their burdens, all the roughness, the wounds, the disorder, the imperfections, all the baggage, all the "stuff."  It means admitting, conceding all the things that are really true about myself.   acknowledging the reality who my spouse Pam is, in her entirety, in her complete being, with her parts, with her perspectives, with her virtues her vices.  Right at this moment Endorsement on the other hand.  means essentially approving or embracing as good some feature within myself or my spouse.  So husband can accept the idea that his wife is abusing painkillers without endorsing her misuse of pain medication.  Why we struggle with accepting something about our spouse,...

Intro It is good to have you with us, Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist Weekly Podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Part of our Online outreach Souls and Hearts and soulsandhearts.com Episode 65  Why Catholic Spouses Find it Hard to Empathize with Each Other, Especially About Sex -- with Solutions.  -- we are in the middle of a series on Sexuality in Catholic Marriages, but don't worry if you are not married, there is so much for you in today's episode that applies to any close relationship.  Definitions of Empathy: Daniel Siegel:  Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine.  Interpersonal Neurobiology. Interpersonal Neurobiology Wikipedia: Interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB) or relational neurobiology is an interdisciplinary framework associated with human development and functioning. It was developed in the 1990s by Daniel J. Siegel who sought to bring together a wide range of scientific disciplines in demonstrating how the mind, brain, and relationships integrate to alter one another. Dan Siegel's work is very accessible -- easier for non-professionals to understand, very available.  Five types of Empathy  -- Short YouTube Video  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdhMY_DNb1M  5 Levels.   There's an order to them.  Emotional Resonance or attunementPerspective TakingCognitive EmpathyCompassion -- Seigel calls it Empathetic ConcernEmpathetic JoyI am going to expand on his basic presentation.  Expanded definitions of empathy Emotional Resonance, attunement, empathic resonance -- receiver begins to feel what the sender is feeling.  You feel the feelings of the other person.  Attunement ‘is a kinesthetic and emotional sensing of others knowing their rhythm, affect and experience by metaphorically being in their skin, and going beyond empathy to create a two-person experience of unbroken feeling connectedness by providing a reciprocal affect and/or resonating response’. (Clinical psychologist Richard Erksine 1998).When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of “feeling felt” that emerges in close relationships. Children need attunement to feel secure and to develop well, and throughout our lives we need attunement to feel close and connected."  Dan SiegelModeration Emotional contagion.  This really can be overwhelming Experience of being sucked into the other's experience -- blending or fusing with the other with a loss of boundaries Perspective Taking:  Let me put myself in the other's skin -- in the other shoes.   Not a fusion Capacity to enter into your spouse's internal world with your own mind to consider the other's experience You remain separate from the other person.  Cognitive Empathy: -- a bit further  -- what does the experience mean for the person.  Memory, emotion, history influences the other.  Empathetic understanding.  So much of our suffering comes not from the facts of our situation, but from the meaning we make from those facts.  Compassion:  Empathic Concern -- synonym for compassion.  I feel your pain, I want to reduce your suffering. You feel the suffering Take the suffering in Use of the imagination -- what could I do now to help you feel better.  Be with the person -- doing flows from that being Empathic joy -- I get so excited about your success -- delighting in and with the other. Joy in who the spouse is, not what the child does -- "delighting in the spouses very being Wife believes in the husband's goodness -- the husband is precious, worth sacrificing for and vice versa.  Song of Songs -- Joy 1:4 We will exult and rejoice in you; we will extol your love more than wine  Review Emotional Resonance or attunement Perspective Taking Cognitive Empathy Compassion -- Seigel calls it Empathetic Concern Empathetic Joy Empathy is the mattress on our Catholic Canopied Marriage bed, which I introduced in episode 58 -- working with that metaphor.  The mattress on a bed -- we want the mattress to be consistent and solid, firm and not lumpy.  The frame and box spring -- firm commitment between the husband and the wife, the upholding of the marriage vows Episode 64 It's the charity.  Willing the highest good for one another -- sacrificial love four legs of the bed. Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration, his own human formation, his psychological health, his emotional wellbeing -- removing the beam from his own eye -- last episode. Episode 63 Leg 2.  the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation, her own psychological health, her own emotional wellbeing -- her taking on her own personal responsibility for her natural life  last episode. Episode 63Leg 3.  Attachment Needs and Integrity Needs --  Episode 62,Leg 4.  Internal Family Systems approaches -- understanding deeply how the human person is both a unity and a multiplicity -- like an orchestra is a unity -- one orchestra, but also has within it multiplicity, multiple musicians -- check out Episodes 60 and 61The rock-solid floor in the bedroom is the Foundation -- The presence of God -- and an active belief in God's Providence This is the foundation Childlike trust, absolute confidence Reflects the reality of our existential dependence and God's paternal care, Mary's maternal care for us.  So many Catholic try to solve their marriage issues without bringing in anything spiritual Or they avoid any meeting between faith and sex.  Why we lack different kinds of empathy In General Lack of interior integration Lack of benevolence -- good will.  Lack of seeking the good for our spouse and being willing to suffer for it Conditionality I'll work on it if my wife does X and Y I'll start trying again if my husband stops behavior Z.  Not what your vows say.  Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. Jack Handey.  Lack of consistency...

Intro It is good to have you with us, Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist Interior Integration for Catholics Part of our Online outreach Souls and Hearts and soulsandhearts.com Episode 64 released April 19, 2021 Subtle Ways Catholics Cheat on their Spouses:  How and Why. Getting into natural level issues around our commitment, the covenant a husband and a wife make in a Catholic sacramental marriage.  Brief Review -- Canopied Marriage Bed Description of each part of the bed -- symbolism of each part, what each part represents.   The rock-solid floor in the bedroom is the Foundation -- The presence of God -- and an active belief in God's Providence This is the foundation Childlike trust, absolute confidence Reflects the reality of our existential dependence and God's paternal care, Mary's maternal care for us.  Four legs -- now more in the natural realm Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration, his own human formation, his psychological health, his emotional wellbeing -- removing the beam from his own eye -- last episode. Episode 63 Leg 2.  the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation, her own psychological health, her own emotional wellbeing -- her taking on her own personal responsibility for her natural life  last episode. Episode 63 Definition of Human Formation  Human formation is the lifelong process of natural development, aided by grace, by which a person integrates all aspects of his interior emotional, cognitive, relational, and bodily life, all of his natural faculties in an ordered way, conformed with right reason and natural law so that he is freed from natural impediments to trust God as His beloved child and to embrace God's love.  Then, in return, because he possesses himself, he can love God, neighbor and himself with all of his natural being in an ordered, intimate, personal, and mature way. That is what we are focused on in this podcast.  Human formation: This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God. Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation, a radical conversion at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. Leg 3.  Attachment Needs and Integrity Needs --  Episode 62, Leg 4.  Internal Family Systems approaches -- understanding deeply how the human person is both a unity and a multiplicity -- like an orchestra is a unity -- one orchestra, but also has within it multiplicity, multiple musicians -- check out Episodes 60 and 61 The Frame  and the Box Spring -- this holds the whole bed together and it represents the firm commitment between the husband and the wife, the upholding of the marriage vows,  We are focusing on this today.  The commitment, the vows of Catholic married lifeI promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.  It's the charity.  Willing the highest good for one anotherThe Mattress -- Empathetic attunement -- really knowing the spouse, really being able to enter into the phenomenological world of the spouseBottom sheet fitted sheet -- sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion -- hinges on all that is underneath it.  Can't you just help us get the fire, the passion back into our love life.  Top Sheet -- communication between the Catholic spouses. Two Pillows -- Acceptance of who the husband is right now -- Acceptance of who the wife is right now. Self-acceptance and Spouse acceptance   The blankets -- human warmth, emotional connectionFour bedposts -- intertwined spirals, like a double helix --  Mindset, Heartset, Bodyset, Soulset  The Canopy and the curtains, which cover the bed and provide privacy -- for good or for ill.  The Shams, the bedspread and the bed skirts -- these cover up the bed, give a favorable and even a false impression to the world of what the bed is like, keep the real bed under wraps, as it wereDefinition Marriage Commitment Commitment is essential Frame and box spring of the bed -- holds the whole structure of the bed together.  The commitment to loving the other person in the sacramental marriage covenant is vitally important No one else can do it for you.  Not even God.  Definition of Marriage -- Fr. John Hardon, Modern Catholic Dictionary MARRIAGE. As a natural institution, the lasting union of a man and a woman who agree to give and receive rights over each other for the performance of the act of generation and for the fostering of their mutual love. The state of marriage implies four chief conditions:  there must be a union of opposite sexes; -- one man and one woman it is a permanent union until the death of either spouse; CCC 2382:  Between the baptized spouses, "a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death"   1983 CCL 1141 Until Death  I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. it is an exclusive union, so that extramarital acts are a violation of justice;its permanence and exclusiveness are guaranteed by contract; mere living together, without mutually binding themselves to do so, is concubinage and not marriage. Christ elevated marriage to a sacrament of the New Law. Christian spouses signify and partake of the mystery of that unity and fruitful love which exists between Christ and his Church, helping each other attain to holiness in their married life and in the rearing and education of their children.Solemnified by Formal Vows Usually the only vow a Christian Layman or Laywoman will ever make CCC 2364:  Both spouses give themselves definitively and totally to one another.  They are no longer two; from now on they form one flesh.  The covenant they freely contracted imposes on the spouses the obligation to preserve it as unique and indissoluble.  Originates in the will  I will love you and honor you all the days of my life  Love is an act of the will.  Not just a one-time event  I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. Ongoing willing, year to year, week to week, day to day, moment to moment But impacted by human formation and spiritual formation Supported in the natural realm by human formation, an awareness of attachment needs and integrity needs, an awareness of how complex w...

Intro:  I am clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski, and you are listening to the weekly podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Today in episode 63, we are discussing human formation -- what is it?  What do you mine it's missing for many people? Windup: I am going to start with a bold claim and a controversial claim.  For many, many Catholic adults in our day and age, in our culture, there is a much greater need to focus on human formation than on spiritual formation.Let me repeat that:  Many, many Catholic adults at this point in their lives need solid human formation more than they need spiritual formation. Serious Catholic adults. Commitment to human formation is so important in the Catholic married sexual life that it composes two of the four legs of my model of a Catholic marriage bed.  The husband's commitment to human formation -- one legThe wife's commitment to human formation -- the other legAnother leg is really understanding attachment and integrity needs (episode 62)Another leg is a model the Internal family systems-informed model of the person with a self and with parts -- we are a unity and a multiplicity -- episodes 60 and 61. The floor is the a deep, abiding, childlike trust in Mary our Spiritual Mother and God our Spiritual Father.  Building a whole bed here, starting in episode 58.  No need to review all of it now.   So many Catholics with lots of spiritual formation who have built their spiritual lives on a very, very unsound natural foundation, with mediocre or poor human formation. So their spiritual lives are unstable.  Example of early client -- extreme example Mid 30's, very earnest Catholic, very sincere, distressed --  I have to help his wife understand the Faith.  Wife was Catholic, but a lot of tension between them about his spiritual practices.  Danger of divorce -- wife: get to counseling or I'll divorce you Wife concerns? Spending three hours per day in Eucharistic Adoration Bringing their young children Our Lady of Lourdes No gainful employment Wife feeling constantly criticized by his fraternal corrections, his attempts to help her become more holy.  Spiritual Problems?  No -- problems in the natural realm.  Blended with a part that is so driven by fear.  Part desperately trying to please an extremely demanding God and Mary -- trying to become holy, Pelagian effortsLack of attunement to children -- alienated from them, they were becoming alienated from the faithWedge in the marriage, wife thinks he's a religious nutcase.  He recognizes there are problems, wife needs to change Praying the Rosary Fatima Visionary Sr. Lucia:  There is no problem, I tell you, no matter how difficult it is, that we cannot resolve by the prayer of the Holy Rosary. Problems come from his distorted human formation.   Priest sex abuse scandal.  Can frame it all spiritually.  The priest who sexually abused children gave in to lust, it was a violation of the virtue of chastity, among other virtues.  Ok.  Hmmm.  So it was a spiritual problem, a failure, he gave into temptation.   No doubt there are spiritual dimensions to this, including a most grave and serious sin.  Or is a primary issue with his disordered sexual attraction to children and a real lack of impulse control --problems in the natural realm, a problem with his human formation.  That makes so much more sense to me as being primary.  Scrupulosity -- so often seen as a spiritual problem, but is one of the most frustrating issues for confessors and spiritual directors encounter -- so often it doesn't resolve with traditional spiritual means. Primarily in the natural realm.  Did a whole episode with Adam Cross The Catholic Therapist on human formation issues, the real issues in the natural realm that underlie scrupulosity.  Serious Devastation -- original sin.  Effect on the human body -- death, illness, pain -- and now intensity of pain in childbirth, physical labor and toil to survive scratching out an existence from cursed ground.  Effect on the rest of our human formation Distrust of God Fear Anger Loss of harmony Really a kind of dis-integration -- in the world and inside of us.  Grace perfects nature; it does not destroy it.  St. Thomas Aquinas We need to work with our human natures.  We need our human natures to be formed.  Jesus discussed foundations Discussion of foundations in Scripture -- Matthew 7:24-27 24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” Jesus as the cornerstone. Algebra and arithmetic.  Hold up, we're getting ahead of ourselves here.  What is human formation?Definitions Those who follow this Interior Integration for Catholic Podcast know that I am all about defining our terms. So much rests on a clear understanding of what we are discussing. Human Formation, to be honest is a nebulous term. Used a lot in Catholic contexts -- primarily in seminary contexts. A whole section is devoted to human formation in the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops document entitled "Program of Priestly Formation, Fifth Edition" which came out in 2006.  pages 29-42 Longest and most complete discussion of human formation I could find in an official church document 14 pages -- but no definition of human formation.  The foundation and center of all human formation is Jesus Christ, the word made flesh, paragraph 75Also in paragraph 75, we learn that "human formation is the 'necessary foundation' of priestly formation.  We learn that the goals of human formation is to foster growth so that a man can become A free personOf solid moral characterPrudent and discerningInvested in and capable of communion, of relating deeply with othersWith Good communication skills Affective maturity - integration of feelings, thoughts and valuesWho cares for his bodyWho relates well with othersA good steward of material...

Intro:  This is Interior Integration for Catholics, it's great that you can join us, and today we are wrestling with the deep attachment needs and the deep integrity needs that Catholic spouses have. In this life, we all have deep attachment needs and deep integrity needsWe all struggle with deep attachment needs and deep integrity needs -- whether we realize it or not.  And some of those needs are unmet.  They cause us difficulties and suffering and tension in our important relationshipsThose unmet needs are part of being human in our fallen world.    How we choose to handle those attachment needs and integrity needs really determines how well our close relationships, especially our marriages go.  How the husband chooses to address his attachment needs and integrity needs will have a huge impact on his relationship with his wifeHow the wife chooses to address her attachment needs and her integrity needs will have a huge impact on her relationship with her husband.  Meeting these attachment needs and integrity needs well is foundational, essential for you to have a psychologically sound, a solid marriage relationship.  Today, in episode 62 of Interior Integration for Catholics, released on April 5, 2021, the sixth in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages And it is titled:  Unmet Attachment Needs, Unmet Integrity Needs we won't just lay out all the definitions of our terms what are attachment needs, Dr. Peter?  What are integrity needs? We're not just going to discuss how these needs impact the rest of the marriage relationship We're not just going to explore how sex in the Catholic marriage bed is impacted by these needs and our responses to them No, wait, there's much more We're going to also dive into how do you engage with these needs constructively -- how do we start on a course of action to really meet these needs.  So stay with me until the end and you will get really specific recommendations for setting up a personalized program to have your personal set of attachment needs and integrity needs met.  This is such an important area that we are going to spend some time on it, more than just this one podcast. I am Catholic psychologist Peter Malinoski, and I am bringing my 20 years of experience in the clinical trenches with real Catholics with real problems to bear on this question of attachment needs and integrity needs in this episode for you.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach -- check us out at soulsandhearts.com Souls and Hearts is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor. Brief Review Each episode stand on its own, no need to review if you don't want to, if you're just jumping in here that's greatI do review from time to time because reviewing helps with spiral learning, with retaining thingsAnd because this podcast is programmatic, episodes build on each other, we're not just doing little isolated soundbites of information, odd, assorted nuggets.This is meant to be a program in your Catholic human formation to help you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony in the natural realmSo let's do a quick rewind here, just to catch you all up to date:[Insert review/rewind sound effect]I introduced the model of a Catholic Canopied Marriage Bed to represent the sexual life of a married Catholic couple in Episode 58.  The Catholic Canopied Married Bed has these interrelated parts The floor -- A deep abiding trust in the Presence of God and His Providence -- we started here in episode 59 The four legs -- these four supports hold up the Catholic marriage bed.  Leg 4.  Internal Family Systems Approaches to understanding myself and my spouse Covered this conceptually in episodes 60 and again with a story of a Catholic couples' problems in a sexual relationship in episode 61. Leg 3.  Understanding my own and my spouse's attachment needs and integrity needs   -- this is what we are focus on today. In Episode 57 we discussed how the one main psychological reason why Catholic marriages fail is our response and reactions to deep unmet needs Leg 2.  the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formationLeg 1.  the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formationThe frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately.  Independently The mattress  Empathetic attunement  Two pillows:  Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance Bottom Sheet, the fitted sheet:  sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion -- the eros Top Sheet:  Communication between the spouses The blankets:  human warmth, emotional connection Four Bedposts MindsetHeartsetBodysetSoulsetThe canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse.  The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world.  All of these elements work together.  Dynamic model, which can change over time.  The Windup / the Hurdle -- What is our situation here? [Definition time sound effect]:  Definitions:  We all have attachment needs and we all have integrity needs Hard to find good summaries of these needs, hard to find good definitions, so here are my definitions. Attachment needs = The needs that a child has for a deep and enduring emotional and relational bond with a caregiver, usually a parent, who provides a felt sense of closeness, security, understanding, reassurance in times of trouble, for affection and warmth, and a sense that someone really is looking out for my best interests.  Integrity needs --  drawing from self-psychology here, Heinz Kohut  = The needs a child has for a sense of identity has the following features: A separate existence from others --  I exist in my own right, a separate person Is bounded, has boundaries is stable over time and across different situations Self is regulated Is integrated -- coherent interconnections inside between aspects of experience -- self-cohesion Is active, with agency, can effectively function in the world

Dr. Peter walks you through an example of how the parts of a Catholic husband and wife blend and take over, leading to fractured, fragmented sex that is ultimately disordered and unsatisfying.