67 Catholic and UnCatholic Sex in Catholic Marriages

May 10, 2021

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IIC 67: Catholic and UnCatholic Sex in Catholic Marriages

Saturday, May 8, 2021

10:27 AM

The Windup – our common ground, a quick summary of where we are today
1. Let's get down to it.
1. Most of us Catholic married folk have deep desires within us for authentic, loving, joyful, intimate sexual sharing with our spouses
1. We want to be loving our spouses, we want to make love to our spouses in ways that are healthy, ordered, and holy.
1. We want to know our spouses and be known, to accept our spouses and be accepted, to be loved and to love.
1. And at least intellectually, we know that God wants that for us too.
The Hurdle: The shared problem
1. Or at least, we all had those desires in the past. Maybe we've given up on them. Maybe we're discouraged, disheartened. So many Catholic spouses are. It's common and it's tragic. But it makes sense to me. Why?
1. Because Sexuality is usually the trickiest and most difficult part of the marriage relationship. Let me say that again.
2. We want deep, loving, joyful, intimate sexual sharing with our spouses
3. But often there's pressure, shame, guilt, anger, conflict, tension, frustration, disagreement, disharmony, sullenness, withdrawal, disconnection, feelings of helplessness, avoidance, resignation and dozens of other painful experiences.
4. We are wounded in a lot of different ways, and those attachment wound, those integrity wounds impact how Catholic spouses related to each other sexually.
5. Sex is the most sensitive barometer
6. God wants Catholic couples not to just have sex -- animals can and do copulate
  1. but ordered, healthy sexual intimacy.
8. Stakes are high. Our Lady of Fatima on Sexual Sins Jacinta later revealed that according to Our Lady, “The sins which cause most souls to go to hell are the sins of the flesh,” or sins against chastity.
9. For many Catholic spouses, the sexual situation can seem impossible
  1. 28% of Catholic marriages end in divorce, and it's probably safe to say that the sexual intimacy isn't great in those relationships
10. 1. Many, many others suffer from significant problems and issues in the sexual relationship.
11. 1. There is no other area of Catholic life so fraught with complexity, nuance, so sensitive to disorder and dysfunction in the married life. Why?
12. 1. Because sex is so often wrenched out of context
    1. Procreation
  2. 1. Union, the bond of the spouses
  3. 1. Catholic spouses often look to their sexual relationship to solve problems that do not originate there.
      1. Misuse of sexuality in the service of trying to get deeper needs met -- attachment needs and integrity needs. Episode 62
13. But you know what? There are solutions. There are ways out, even for spouses who are really jaded, really disheartened and discouraged. And we are going to talk about those ways out, the promise of solutions. We're going to talk about the Good News of Catholic sexual married life today.
  1. All things, all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. Romans 8:28. All things. No exceptions. All things, St. Paul tells us, there is no asterisk or footnote that excludes your particular sexual situation. All things.
    1. The caveat -- for those who love the Lord. That means childlike trust, great confidence.
14. 1. So many Catholic couples could have such a better life of sexual intimacy. That is so possible, even though it may not seem believable, because of a history of disappointment, false starts, and discouragement.
    1. If you feel like you're Charlie Brown and I'm Lucy, holding a football for you, about to yank it away when you try one more time… I get that. Stay with me, listen a while longer, and see if you find some new ideas, new ways of looking at things. I know it may be that you've been married 20, 30 years or more -- but some and see what I have to say.
16. I am clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski, your host and guide
  1. This is episode 67 of the weekly podcast Interior Integration for Catholics
17. 1. And it is titled: Catholic and UnCatholic Sex in Catholic Marriages
18. 1. Thank you for being here with me
19. 1. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our online outreach Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com
    1. Which is all about your human formation, all about shoring up your natural foundation for a solid Catholic spiritual life
  2. 1. We are doing a whole series of episodes on Sexuality in Catholic Marriages
20. 1. We are using the image of a Catholic canopied marriage bed.
21. 1. And today, we are focusing on the the Fitted Sheet, the top sheet and the blankets
    1. Fitted Sheet -- Eros, the sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion, the actual physical, sexual contact
  2. 1. Top Sheet -- Communication between the Catholic spouses
  3. 1. Blankets -- Heartfelt warmth and affection, the emotional connection.
The Vision -- The inspiring option, the way over the problem
1. Four Major point -- Four central concepts.
  1. The human and spiritual formation of the spouse influence the quality of their sexual experience.
  2. Sex always happens in a relational context
  3. The relational context influences the quality of the sexual experience between the spouses
  4. Sexual intimacy is a great good, but there are time when it may not be best.
  5. Repeat the four points.
1. The human and spiritual formation of the spouse influence the quality of their sexual experience.
  1. Human formation of the husband and wife are two of the four legs of the bed.
  2. Focusing in here again on interior integration -- how integrated are we in the sexual sphere
    1. That sexual integration is going to depend on our human formation -- and on all the aspect represented in the Catholic canopied marriage bed check out Episode 58.
  3. 1. Another leg of the bed is understanding ourselves and our spouse from an Internal Family Systems perspective, which I think is so helpful.
  5. As living human being, we have a unity -- each human person is one
    1. But also each human person has parts.
  6. 1. within each person are separate collections thoughts, emotions, attitudes, impulses, desires, abilities, interests, relational styles, body sensations, and worldviews that are not just transient emotional states, but rather constitute discrete “parts,” subpersonalities or distinct modes of operating within the person’s larger internal system -- they seem like selves within us.
  7. 1. Each part within us can phenomenologically seem like its own little person, with its own particular range of emotion, style of e...