70 Catholic Sex and the Four Pillars -- and the Dos and Don'ts of Sharing about your Sexual Life

May 31, 2021

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Intro:
1. This is it, this is the last episode in our 21 episode series on sexuality , our last episode of 14 in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages, it has been a long run, thank you for being here
2. We are finishing up with our metaphor of the canopied Catholic Marriage Bed
  1. And today we'll be discussing the four bedposts, the canopy, and the bedskirt, bedspread and the shams with more examples.
3. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.
4. This podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor.
5. In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way.
6. This is episode 70, released on May 31, 2021, entitled Catholic Sex and the Four Pillars -- and the Dos and Don'ts of Sharing about your Sexual Life.
Review of the bed
1. Review the bed -- remember this canopied marriage bed represents the sexual life of a married Catholic couple.
  1. The floor -- The Presence of God and His Providence -- everything begins here. This is the most fundamental piece of the whole metaphor. We need to be in contact with "I AM" with God who is the source of all reality. We can't forget that
  2. The four legs
    1. Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation
  3. 1. Leg 2. the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation
  4. 1. Leg 3. Understanding Attachment needs and integrity needs.
  5. 1. Leg 4. Internal Family Systems -- Episode 60 -- How well do you really know your spouse?
  7. The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately. Independently
  8. The mattress Empathetic attunement -- covered that in episode 65, last episode
  9. Two pillows: Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance -- this is what we are focusing on today.
    1. Pillows support us, comfort us.
    2. Great security with pillows
      1. Pam travels with her pillow -- learned this from her friend Cabrina -- comfort in having your own pillow
    3. 1. Comfort in being accepted by someone who knows you.
  10. Bottom Sheet: sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion
  11. Top Sheet: Communication between the spouses
  12. The blankets: human warmth, emotional connection
  13. Covering today Four Bedposts -- imagine two spiral intertwined, like the double-helix structure of DNA -- these are the four pillars of Catholic resilience, going all the way back to episode 4 of this podcast
    1. Mindset
    2. Heartset
    3. Bodyset
    4. Soulset
  14. Covering today: The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse.
  15. Covering today: The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world.
Bedposts Four Sets
1. Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset
1. Double helix structure -- the husband's strand and the wife's strand interwoven, entwined together like the double-helix structure of DNA rising up overhead, looking down on the bed
1. Dynamism of Sets -- not static -- our sets shift, they vary as a function of our parts and what is activated and not activated within us in a given moment.
1. Descriptions review from way back in Episode 4
  1. Bodyset is how our body affects us, how our physical reactions impact us and our dispositions and inclinations.
  2. Mindset is essentially a frame of mind. Our mindset is the position of our intellect, and how we apply reason to our situation and our experiences.
  3. Heartset is the dispositions or the orientation of our heart, the emotional and intuitive ways of our heart.
  4. Soulset is essentially our attitude of soul. It is the disposition of our spirit, or how our souls is oriented. It can operate independently of mindset and heartset. Our soulset reflects how we see God, and how we see ourselves in relationship with God, how we see God viewing us. Our soulset very much depends on the virtues we have acquired, especially the virtues of faith, hope and charity. Our soulset is also very dynamic, it can change rapidly
1. A lot of your human formation is being aware of your own sets -- Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset
1. So much of your empathy for your spouse will involve reading your spouse's sets -- Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset
  1. Will this legitimate sexual experience be good for your spouse's mind, heart, soul and body, right now, in these circumstances?
    1. Where is she emotionally, relationally with you? How is she doing physically right now, how is her soul?
1. Paying attention to common, repeated relational patterns or cycles that happen between you and your spouse.
1. Our parts have very different experiences of sexual intimacy
  1. Definition of parts: Discussed this at length in episodes 60 and 61. Parts: Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view. IFS therapist Robert Falconer calls parts "insiders." Each part also has its own approach to sexuality.
2. 1. One part may be blended within you
3. 1. Your spouse may be blended in a part
4. 1. Parts can switch -- episode 61 Fractured, Fragmented Sex in Catholic Marriages described how parts in a sexual encounter can switch rapidly.
1. Bodyset is how our body affects us, how our physical reactions impact us and our dispositions and inclinations. We are embodied beings, body and soul composites. Our physical bodies have a huge impact on us. So our bodyset is the impact of our bodily states on us. For example, if we are exhausted from a lack of sleep – that has an impact on us. Obviously our bodyset is dynamic and can change as well.
  1. Understanding bodyset is so important in marriage because the bodies of the husband and wife are so united.
2. 1. Body has a huge impact on our relating.
3. 1. The bodies of the husband and wife
    1. Genesis 2:21-25 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a ...