Emsolation

We got a bunch of feedback from you over the last few days, so we’re using that to start things off in today's episode. Some of you lovely listeners have lamented the loss of Em’s opening monologue, where she normally talks about life, her thoughts and the such and such that's been floating around in her mind. So she addresses that to begin with, there’s also time to address some of Em and Michael’s diet talk from last week, some of you reached out to say they felt there was a bit of fat shaming happening in that convo, naturally Em’s had some time to think about that, and she shares all the conclusions she’s come to around that. So it actually turns out we have a very long opening monologue as a result of all of that, so ask and ye shall receive, although maybe some of you will regret ye asking for the return of the opening monologue...pfft as if. Then Em and Michael do a very extensive deep dive into the Chris Evans, aka Captain America, dick pic saga, where he accidentally leaked a camera roll shot that included something he probably never intended to expose, a fleshy tent pole. Content warning obviously as this proves to be an extensive deep dive, they really take it there, in fact Em is even suggesting that you will probably come out the other side of this conversation with a Bachelor in Dick Pics, I genuinely can’t see what the problem is with that. Then it’s onto the live action remake of the Disney movie ‘Mulan’ (fun fact - when Em says Mulan she can’t do it without sounding like Kath Day Knight, it’s totally adorbs) anyway this movie is super problematic, but Em still loved the strong female lead. Finally there’s just enough time to focus on the adjustments to Victoria’s lockdown tweaks, which now allow single people to choose a bubble buddy that they can spend time with, and how one woman is actually auditioning people to see if they’re worthy of being her bubble buddy. Obviously this podcast is the only bubble buddy you need, so fill the bath, sink below the bubbles and get your listen on at your earliest convenience. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

After Em and Michael decided a new lockdown extension was the perfect time to re-commit to losing the extra weight they’ve added during the first two lockdowns, New Lockdown, New Us was born. So it makes sense for Em and Michael to begin this episode with a full rundown of their health journey so far. That journey got off to a rocky start with Em experiencing a teensy hiccup on night one, where she found herself secretly eating in bed at 11pm. She can totally justify it though, which she naturally does, that leads into a game of Justify My Food (yes Em sings the intro live, and yes it’s Madonna inspired and squeal, I know right, so excited) anyway this game sees Michael offering up various food items, which Em then justifies by offering up the perfect reason for why it’s okay to eat each one, no matter how bad it is for you, trust us, it’s a very special skill. We’ll also talk about Em’s new self appointed title - Queen of the Magpies. She’s convinced she is now one of them, having been accepted into their feathered community. We then move onto the recommendation from the Victorian Deputy Chief Health Officer, Dr Nick Coatsworth that we all make our beds, and maybe try some housework to help us get through the new lockdown extension. Understandably Em had some very strong thoughts to share around that, then inspired by Daniel Andrews talking about sex, and the difference between friends and intimate partners, during a recent press conference, Michael impersonates Dan explaining sex to his son. There’s also time to talk through the announcement that ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ is ending after 20 seasons, and how Em has an odd respect for that family. She actually doesn’t judge them as much as you might think she probably would, because naturally Em respects a strong matriarch that’s getting shit done. That being said, she probably wouldn’t sell her childs sex tape...but everything else she gets, they’re husslers, and she can respect that. So once again, it’s a heady mix of all of the things, but we can justify that, so sit down and enjoy another substantial feed of delectable audio delights, with a hefty seasoning of laughs throughout. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get ready for a very special toddler themed treat to kick things off, because there’s a lovely little performance of Elio’s good morning song at the beginning of this episode. That teensy little adorable munchkin of delight that is Elio just happened to be seated on his mother's lap as we began the show, so we now have the one and only recording of Em’s world famous good morning song for everyone to enjoy, so huzzah to that. That done it’s then onto a surprisingly optimistic chat between Em and Michael about the new lockdown situation in Victoria, they’re feeling that it’s not going to be as long as everyone thinks. They’ve also got the feels for all the beauticians unable to work right now, however their sadness over that situation is also tinged with an element of fear on their behalf. There’s a tsunami of pubic hair that has been allowed to grow and cultivate itself over the last few months, and Em and Michael are worried that most beauticians are totally unaware that their Olympics are just around the corner, and their trophies will end up being overstuffed garbage bags, filled to the brim with unwanted body carpeting. New lockdown extensions have also inspired the ushering in of the new Em and Michael, they’re going to lose the weight that they’ve both put on in the last two lockdowns. So they’re seeing this as their final chance to emerge from their individual cocoons, as beautiful, fit, healthy butterflies. They’ve committed to it, it’s going to happen, so far, so good...but that was what was happening on day one, so who knows where they are right now. There’s also time to reveal how Em was invited to be a part of one particular reality show and why Em ultimately decided to say NO. Hot tip from Em, she laughed A LOT during this episode, there was a lot of laughing, so expect to join in and maybe grab a towel if too much laughing compromises your pelvic floor area, just saying. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this episode, with Em and her hubby Scott celebrating their 20th anniversary during the week, Em and her bestie Michael will deep dive into a chat about long term relationships, covering everything from how they last, to the different attributes of Michaels relationship compared to Em’s relationship. Then it’s on to the new book about Melania Trump written by her ex best friend called ‘Melania and Me - The Rise and Fall of My Friendship with the First Lady’ which naturally leads to the admission that Michael is the one and ONLY person that could write a tell all book about Em. Unfortunately for Michael, because he has LOTS of close friends, they realise he would be screwed on multiple levels if all of his close friends decided to write an exposé on him. Also in a very ‘how dare he, off with his head’ type moment, Michael refers to Em as Trump, saying that she can be very Trump like, I’m shook just writing that, so no doubt this will be a testing moment for their friendship. There’s also a new TV show obsession that’s just casually wandered into Em’s life called ‘The Casketeers’ that follows a New Zealand couple, Francis and Kaiora Tipene, who own and run Tipene Funerals. Em is describing it as “just the greatest show, Francis is the campest straight man on the face of the planet and we have so many things in common, including our love of leaf blowers” so there’s all of that to work through too. In fact ‘The Casketeers’ is such a life affirming show, that it’s completely changed Em’s perspective on death and she’s now no longer afraid of dying because of this show. There’s actually so much television to consume that Michael’s also got two other TV shows that he thinks everyone needs to watch, and they are ‘I May Destroy You’ and ‘I Hate Suzie’. All of that will eventually wrap up once Em decides it’s time to get out of her pyjamas and put on a winged eyeliner as a special treat for her husband. You however are welcome to stay in PJ’s and consume this with or without a winged eyeliner of course. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Let's start by saying that when I got the recorded explainer from Em for this episode, so I could actually write this description for you, I fully got to the end of it, burst out laughing and said out loud to an empty room...WHAT? Which clearly means there's a lot to unpack, but isn’t there always? To begin, just know that within this episode, Em and Michael will tackle topics like death, cultural appropriation and Victorian politics, so already it’s nothing but light and fluffy content kids. We should also flag please don’t @ them with whack comments, as a lot of what Em and Michael do in every episode of this podcast is workshop themselves in front of the microphone. They are in no way here to school anyone, they recognise and are well aware that that’s not their job, this is just their way of work shopping things for themselves out loud. Obviously there’s chat about the passing of Chadwick Boseman, which leads into a talk about how there needs to be more conversations around death by young people, which hopefully could result in all of us living better lives and not sweating the small stuff. There’s also another social post from Adele to work through, every time she posts something it usually stops the world, so that’s no surprise. This time she’s copping it online for cultural appropriation having posted a picture of herself wearing her hair in Bantu knots and a bikini top of the Jamaican flag. They’ll also cover off the State of Emergency that Dan has announced in Victoria and the freak outs that are going on as a result, and they’ll try and explain why it’s all needed, so more out loud workshopping here obviously. Finally they’ll also briefly touch on Brad Pitt’s new girlfriend being in an open marriage, plus there’s Em’s newest obsession, which is a TV show that involves a man, 20 wives and a female bounty hunter. So get ready for another edition of all of that, and so much more, and don’t ever say we didn’t warn you what to expect.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

To celebrate fifty whole episodes of Emsolation we’ve put together the top ten moments since the show was birthed in April, as voted by you! Expect Britney, Brett and the Bobbitts to make an appearance and of course our favourite sexy kidnapper will pop his head up too. You won’t feel lost baby girl, after reliving the hilarity and confusion of the first fifty episodes of Emsolation! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Emsolation podcast is celebrating its 50th episode, so huzzah, send us gifts, tell us how young and taut we look, and throw in something about this being the new 30th episode or some such complimentary thing. Together Em and Michael delve into the Republican National Convention, which was ushering Melania Trump up to the microphone as they started recording this episode. So naturally they fully got to witness her entrance, her outfit, and the full catwalk moment she delivered as well. All things considered, it was a pretty gentle speech to be honest, the same couldn’t be said for Donald Trump Junior's girlfriend Kimberley Guilfoyle though. Her speech was a LOT. Kimberley may look like a glamorous beauty pageant contestant, but she’s also fully terrifying as well, mostly because she just yelled at us during the entire speech. Em did admit though that she was impressed with how committed Kimberley was to that role. Sure, what she said was horrible, but the way she presented it was very effective, and she no doubt achieved her goal of appealing to their base. So whilst what she said was horrendous, for anyone saying it wasn’t effective, you just have to look at how we’re all talking about it...job well done it would seem. There’s also a bunch of other whoopsie moments to cover off for the Republican Party, including the poolboy that’s come forward to reveal he’s been having a 7 year long affair with the wife of ultraconservative evangelical leader and prominent Trump supporter, Jerry Falwell Jr. We also talk through Michael’s moral dilemma with his favourite hairdresser, who apparently cuts a mean hairstyle Michael loves, but also might be a Covid denier as well, so now he’s not entirely sure what to do. Plus Em attended a funeral for a magpie, a funeral that she organised because she’s clearly reached her peak Covid emotional state. There’s also a special bonus edition of Emsolation on the way for you to enjoy, featuring the Top Ten moments from the last 50 episodes as chosen by you, so prepare yourself for extra moments of us being extra. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week we’ve moved from Em’s patented four phases of bench cleaning, to rooting around in the attic. That’s where Em has stuffed all her previous show wardrobes and just anything else from her life that needed to just be rammed into boxes. Naturally so it can never be acknowledged or addressed ever again. Lockdown life means she decided to tackle all of that and actually stumbled on something that was kinda traumatic. It reminded Em that every time she thinks she’s making progress on herself as a person, she’ll hit a roadblock that makes her think all the other work she’s done before that, doesn’t really count for anything, but really when she’s has a bad day or bad thoughts, it’s just a part of that...journey (vomit we hate that word, thanks reality TV). So yes, Em really did get all of that from the simple act of cleaning out her roof, what of it? Then Em and Michael talk about The Masked Singer being shut-down and how the anger towards that show being filmed during a pandemic is unnecessary. The fact that they both work on or in TV doesn’t mean they’re biased, they promise. Melania Trump has redone the White House Rose Garden, which helped convince Em that Melania isn’t actually a victim or a long suffering wife, but rather the power player in that couple. The Republican National Convention is happening this week too, so Em and Michael are excited. They also talk about the Netflix doco ‘John Was Trying To Contact Aliens’ which is a joyous film of just 16 minutes, perfectly catering to Em’s attention span. You’ll also get an appearance from both Rational Em and Stabby Em, plus there’s a discussion of Em’s version of Dolly World, except her version would mostly be just a really terrifying roller coaster ride to represent her inner monologue. So you pretty much need to be this emotionally tall to get onto this ride or episode, so grab your tickets, join the queue and no pushing. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Em chats to Rob 'Millsy' Mills in this weeks edition of Emsolation Conversation. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Some hard truths to begin with, we aren’t even getting out of bed for this podcast, it’s cold, Em is comfy, so nestle in because it’s happening. In fact, you should probably just get back into bed when you listen to this episode, you know you wanna. Once you’ve settled in and all of your must needs are within reach, we can begin. We start with Em’s very important four stages of fully patented bench cleaning techniques, because quite frankly no one around her house is taking the cleaning of the benches seriously. Yes there are four phases, and yes Em is more than happy to VERY distinctly and vividly outlay all of those details for you, mostly because she’s been doing a LOT of bench cleaning lately, and has had a lot of time to think. Then Em and Michael assume full US Political nerd mode, so they can discuss Michelle Obama’s speech and Trump's response to it. They are also both unashamedly obsessed with the First Lady of Joe Biden, the incredible Dr Jill Biden, and the First Gentleman of Kamala Harris, Douglas Emhoff who’s a massive nerd. That naturally leads to a discussion around who’s husband would do better in the role of First Gentleman if Em or Michael were to go all Presidential. There’s also time to touch on Joe Biden’s very important chat with Cardi B and finally that’s followed by Em going into complete meltdown about Tik Tok, and doing a vocal representation of a Tik Tok dance. It’s something she’s now describing as “not her proudest moment” and she would also like to issue an apology to any Gen Z listeners, because they may feel personally attacked, Em felt personally attacked whilst she was actually doing it. But it’s all because Kanye has demanded we need Jesus Tok, not Tik Tok and it would seem Em has found herself agreeing with him, so perhaps being in bed for this episode is a good idea. At least that way we can pull the sheets up over our heads and listen in peace. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices