The Private School Leader Podcast

Mark Minkus

The Private School Leader Podcast exists to help you go from SURVIVING to THRIVING as you lead your school. Do you ever feel lonely and isolated in your role as a private school leader? Do you wish that you could get back to what really energizes you (making a difference in the lives of your students)? Do you want to have a long AND fulfilling career in private school education? Are you an aspiring Head of School and you want to accelerate your leadership growth? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions then the Private School Leader Podcast is for you!

Your host, Mark Minkus, has been a private school leader for over 30 years. He’s been where you are. He’s been in the hospital with ulcers. He’s had his daughters ask, “Dad, when do we get to see you instead of the back of your laptop?” About 10 years ago, Mark went from surviving to thriving and he is here to help you do the same! You will learn step by step strategies to effectively deal with difficult parents, overcome burnout, change your school’s culture, increase your productivity, improve teacher morale and more! Most importantly, you will learn how to effectively lead your school while still taking care of your mind, body and spirit. Sounds impossible, right? It’s not!

Mark knows how incredibly busy you are. That's why he created a weekly podcast that you can listen to while driving to school, working out or running errands. Think of this podcast as your weekly dose of inspiration, motivation and PD, all while doing something else! If you want to get out of “survival mode” and start thriving at school, then tune in every week to the Private School Leader Podcast!

Episodes

Mentioned books

Nov 30, 2024 • 39min

Episode 111: Who Gets The Credit And Who Takes The Blame?

Picture this. The coach of your favorite NFL team is having his post-game press conference. Your quarterback just threw four interceptions, including one that very likely cost your team the win. When your coach is asked about the quarterback’s interceptions, you already know what he is going to say. “This loss is on me. I need to do a better job getting everyone ready to play. I need to put him in a better position so that he doesn’t have to try to make those throws.” He will take responsibility publicly and have a conversation with the quarterback behind closed doors. A characteristic of great leadership is to accept responsibility, even if it is not your fault. A characteristic of poor leadership is to play the blame game, get defense and throw your people under the bus. On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to answer the question: At your school, Who Gets The Credit And Who Takes The Blame? Thank you for taking me along with you when you are walking the dog, driving to school or running errands. I appreciate you and what you are doing for the lucky kids and teachers at your school. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference! Mark Minkus Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget. That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible. I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1. I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide! I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week! Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode111 Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!! I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks! I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations. George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo TRANSCRIPT: Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, • where private school leaders learn how to thrive • and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. • I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that • right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So I want you to imagine • • • • that the • • • • NFL team nearest you or the NFL team that you are interested in, or • • maybe you're not a big football fan, but you can just use your imagination. But let's say that it's an NFL • • game • • and that after the game the coach has his mini press conference. • • • • And during that press conference, • • • one of the reporters asks the coach of the team, • • well, how do you feel about the fact that your quarterback • threw four interceptions, especially that one right near the end of the game that lost the game for your team? • • • • Well, you probably already know how the NFL coach, how the coach is going to respond to that question. • • He's going to say something along the lines of, well, you know, • • um, I'm the coach and I take full responsibility for that. • And, um, I just need to really get the guys ready to play. And our coordinators need to, you know, not put him in that situation. • • • And, you know, we need to scheme m up something better on offense and so on and so forth. • • So • • we know that he's not going to throw his quarterback under the bus in that press conference. • • Now, he is very likely going to have a conversation • • with his quarterback in private • • and talk about decision making and, • um, • you know, things of that nature. But, you know, we've seen it before, many, many times. • • You know, a coach is going to praise • • their, um, athletes, they're going to take responsibility for the loss, and then very likely in private, they're going to deal with the situation. • • • • And here's the thing that is a characteristic of great leadership to accept responsibility even when it's not your fault. • And a characteristic of poor leadership is to play the blame game. Sometimes I like to say it's when you get your get out, your blame thrower, • • • and, um, you know, getting defensive and throwing people under the bus, those are characteristics of poor leadership. • • And, you know, why does this happen? Well, I think it happens for two reasons. One is because it's very • difficult to take responsibility • • • and it's very easy to blame everybody else. • • • • And so • on, uh, today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we're going to • • answer the question • • at your school, who gets the credit and who takes the blame. • • • • But before we jump into that subject, • • • I have a free resource for you • and it's called the top six ways to protect your school from a lawsuit. • • And this is a 10 page PDF that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. • • Litigation is expensive and time consuming and extremely stressful. And this common sense guide can help you be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. • • And you can grab the top six ways to protect your school from a lawsuit at the private school leader.com lawsuit again, that free guide for you is available over@theprivateschool leader.com • • lawsuit • • and then a quick question for you. One on one coaching is all about helping you solve your biggest school problem What's your biggest problem at school right now? What is it that you're dealing with? Maybe it's • • • • parents. Maybe it's a difficult teacher. Maybe it's • • something, um, • • to do with, • um, facilities. • • Maybe it's um, something to do with retention and recruitment. • • Um, you know, what is your, what's your biggest challenge right now? What's the biggest problem? Well, one on one coaching is all about helping you solve that problem. And it's also all about helping you • to have a transformation, • • um, wherever you are in your current state • • to help you get clear on what you want and where you could be as a private school leader, as a parent, as a spouse or partner, as a, as a person. • • • • You can't, you know, if you could get those things • • for free and maybe you can, you know, with all the free content that's out there. But if you want to take that next step • • and • • work with me one on one • • and get that transformation in your life and • um, work together to solve your biggest problem at school right now. Then head over to the private school leader.com coaching • and check it out. • • • Great leaders take responsibility even when it's not their fault So we're talking about • • who • • • um on this, on this episode of the podcast, we're talking about who gets the credit and who takes the blame. • • • And so I want to just talk for a moment about the importance • • • of • taking responsibility • • and how that helps with your bedrock of integrity in your leadership at your school. • • Because it's a fundamental truth that great leaders • • take responsibility • • • • and great leaders take responsibility even when it's not their fault. • • This isn't about whose fault it is. It's about the fact that as the school leader, you're the face of the institution. • • You're the one who is the leader. • • • And when things go right, • you should highlight the work of your team and give them credit. And when things go wrong, it's your role to step forward and just own that situation. • • • And that is very, very difficult. And it can lead to a lot of internal feelings about. Yeah, but I'm not the one who did that. And, • • • • • um, I'm here to tell you it's hard, • but it's our responsibility • • to step up and to take responsibility • • • and to lead in that way. • • • So I want to tell you • • • three reasons why this is so important. • • • And then I'm going to talk about why • • some leaders blame others rather than take responsibility. • • And then I'm going to give you seven strategies • for effective leadership • • with regards to taking the blame and giving credit. • • • • • • Now, I know what I just said sounded like a lot, • • and as usual, I will take good care of you in the show notes. • • Those will be@theprivateschool • leader.com • episode • 111. • • • • And you know, again, I always encourage you to • • • do something else while you're listening to the podcast. You're so busy. And if you can take in this, this content, • • um, while you're walking the dog or working out or running errands or driving to or from school, then, um, maybe later, if there's something you want to go back to, you can check it out in the show notes. • • Taking responsibility for mistakes builds trust, so it's important for leaders So what are three reasons why this is so important? • • You know, who. Who gets the credit and who takes the blame? Why? Why is that so important? Well, reason number one is because it builds trust. • • You know, I've talked about this before. • • I've talked. I actually just talked about it last week in episode 110. • • That trust • • and honesty • and integrity is the foundation of leadership. • • • • And when you take responsibility for your mistakes, • • • • that's huge. Okay, but it's even • bigger • • when you take responsibility for mistakes • • in the organization or for other people's mistakes. And even when it's not entirely your fault, you're showing your team • • that you are going to be accountable as the leader • • and that you're trustworthy. And there are a few things • that build trust more • • • • • • than stepping up and taking responsibility and holding yourself accountable, apologizing • • and not throwing people under the bus. • • • • So the reasons why this is so important, • • number one is building trust. Number two is empowering others. • • • • So when you give credit to your staff when things go well, you're empowering them. M and it's great for boosting morale. • • • • And honestly, this encourages your teachers • • • • to take initiative and to. I think they feel more valued for the things that they contribute for their hard work. • • And • • • • it really helps to empower your teachers. And then the third reason why this is so important is because you are actually modeling integrity. • • You know, our teachers, • • • • they tend to do what we do. • • So if we're showing up late, • • • • three out of five days, • • • we're giving them permission to show up late. • • • If we have an unpredictable mood and we get angry and just every once in a while • kind of pop off in a, in a meeting, • • um, • and let somebody have it, • then we're giving them permission and modeling that that's okay. Uh, that's an okay way to treat other people at our school. So we, what we model, • • • that's what they follow. That's what they do. And so with your, with your staff and your students and even the parents of the school, they're watching how you handle situations. And if you take the blame and give credit, • • that just sets an example • • not only of accountability and responsibility, but also of humility. • • I'm telling you there, • • the Venn diagram does not overlap very much or at all • • when it comes to a leader • • • that doesn't take responsibility. • • • • And • • • • • the word humility, • • • • • • • • • • • • when the leader has arrogance and insecurities • • • and • um, • • • • • • conceit, • • um, and is a positional leader, • • that's the kind of leader • • • • that does not display humility and is going to • • • throw people under the bus and is going to get defensive and is not going to take responsibility. And so, you know, we're, • I just, it's just a reminder that what we're modeling is that um, taking the blame, giving credit to others when they succeed, • • • it's, it's all about setting that example, you know, humility, integrity, selflessness, those keys for • • um, being a great leader and for um, building • that trust and building those relationships. • • • So why do some leaders blame others rather than take responsibility? • When we look back over our time as a leader, no matter how long it's been, • of course there have been times where we have not stepped up and taken responsibility. So why does that happen to us? Or why are some leaders just so prone to that? Well, I think there's a few reasons. One is fear of failure. • • • • • We all have a fear of failure • • • • • • and when something goes wrong, • • • • we don't want to attach our name to that. • Then we look like the failure. • • • • • Uh, another reason is lack of self awareness. I think that some leaders do this and aren't really fully aware that they're doing it. It's just like a defense mechanism. Most defense mechanisms are reflexive • • and we're not really thinking through what we're doing. We just do it. And that's, that's even worse because then that's a Pattern, it's not situational as much as it's, it's a habit. It's a pattern of what we do. So a lack of self awareness. • • Um, another reason why sometimes we don't take responsibility is just insecurity. And imposter syndrome. You know, imposter syndrome is all about that when bad things happen, it, when good things happen, it's luck. And when bad things happen, it's proof. • • • • • • And so we don't want those bad things to be attached to us. • • • • And then that comes, that leads to the next reason why sometimes leaders don't take responsibility. And that's reputation. • • We want to have a good reputation. We want to be perceived • as • a good leader or popular or well liked or whatever. And when something goes wrong, we don't want that attached to our reputation. • • • • Um, another reason could be a need for control. • • Some of us • • have more of a need for control than others. • • And I believe that leaders who tend more towards • • wanting control and micromanaging, that they are less likely to take responsibility • • • when things go wrong because they're super clear on who's responsible for what. And it's really hard to not, • • • um, to, to know that and then to not shine the light on people who, • • while you were responsible for this part of the project and that didn't happen. • • • • And so then the, and the final reason, and I have this in all caps in my notes, is, is when we're under a lot of stress and under a lot of pressure, • • • that, that's a lot of the reason when, when we don't take responsibility and when we do get out our blame thrower, • • • • • you know, we're under a lot of stress, we're under a lot of pressure • • • • • • and when we don't meet a goal, you know, if we're at a board meeting, see, here's the other thing. • • It's one thing to stand up in front of your teachers at a meeting and take responsibility for something, but what about when you're at a board meeting and the teachers aren't in the room • and, or your admission director isn't in the room • • • • and you're under a lot of pressure to meet certain, um, goals for enrollment or certain test scores or you know, things of that nature. • • • • • It's pretty • • • • • hard • • • • to accept responsibility • • • • • • • and to not blame others, • • • • especially when they're not there and especially when we're under stress. And so, • you know, integrity doesn't take a time out when we're • • • no longer in the presence of others. In fact, integrity, many people, we've seen that definition where uh, integrity is how we act when no one is watching. • • So I think that these are a lot of the reasons why we don't take responsibility • • and why we like to blame others. Or I don't want to say we like to blame others, but sometimes we resort to • • • blaming others. Fear of failure, lack of self awareness, insecurity, imposter, syndrome, • protecting our reputation and need for control. And we're under a lot of stress. • • • So all of those are really, really valid things and they happen. • • But what we want to do is kind of pause • and take that step outside of ourselves and be curious observers of the way that we behave and the way that we act when it comes to this specific issue. • • • And we're going to step up like we always do on this podcast. Okay, so here are the seven strategies for effective leadership Okay, so here are the seven strategies for effective • leadership with regards to • • who gets the credit and who takes the blame. • • • • So I'll just run through them and then we'll take them one by one. • • • • And, um, like I said, they'll be there for you in the show notes@theprivateschoolyear.com • episode • 111. • • So here they are. Number one, publicly take responsibility for mistakes. Number two, give credit to your team publicly. These are the strategies that we're going to follow. Number three, coach and correct in private. Number four, be transparent. Number five, own decisions even when they are delegated. • Number six, model accountability daily. And number seven, celebrate team success without taking credit. • • • • • Now those sound pretty straightforward. • • • Sure they are. • • • There's a lot of things about leadership that are straightforward, but they're not easy. • • • Number one, we're going to publicly take responsibility for mistakes So, um, before we • • just. One last thing before we start with number one here. And that is I wanted to remind you about episode 42, • • • um, and it's called Extreme Ownership Leadership Lessons from a Navy seal. • • • And I'm going to link that for you in the show notes. And that is kind of along the lines of what we're talking about. • And it's through the lens of the book Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin and, um, their experience, • um, in, • • um, Ramadi, um, over in, during the, during the war. • • • • • And, um, Extreme Ownership Leadership Lessons from a Navy SEAL. Episode 42, • • um, • will be a good companion episode for today's episode. So I'll link that in the show notes. Okay. Number one, we're going to publicly take responsibility for mistakes. • • So when something goes wrong, whether it's a decision that • • • we made and it didn't really work out, or a policy that receives • • some pushback and some backlash, or, • • • um, an issue • • with a student and you decided a certain way to handle it and • it didn't work out. You know, you decided to take that student or you decided to keep that student instead of expel them or just whatever the case might be. • • • • It is absolutely essential that we take responsibility as the leader, • • • • publicly take responsibility for mistakes. We all make mistakes. • • • The team knows that we made the mistake. • • If we don't take responsibility and we use evasive language and we try to, you know, make excuses and get defensive, • • • that is not good leadership. And they see it and it's a really bad look, and it erodes trust. • • • • But what we can do in those situations, • it's not easy. But what we can do is just take responsibility • • • and apologize • • • and then just say that you're going to work hard to make it better or to do better next time. • • And here's the other thing. • • • • • • If you want to talk about gossip, if you want to talk about people talking about you behind your back, • • • • • • • if you. If everyone knows that you messed up • • • and you get defensive • • or you blame others or you get evasive and you don't take responsibility, • • • • that's when you're like pouring. It's like pouring gasoline on the conversations. The, uh, pouring gasoline on the fire • • of those conversations that are happening in the teacher work room or in the teacher group text. • • • • • • • • • • But the thing that just deflates that and ends it and they move on to the next thing • • is when you apologize and take responsibility • • and just say that you're going to work harder to make it better or. Or work harder so that it doesn't happen next time. • • • And I want to tell you something. Early in my career, • probably the first, • um, 12 years of my career, • • • • I rarely took responsibility. • I made excuses, I was defensive. • • • • • It was very rare for me to apologize. And it's because I was a very insecure • • leader as a young leader early in my career, • • • • • • • • and it wasn't a good look. • • • And so • • • • • • • • • as I got more into my career and more experienced and more confident, then I started to do that. But so my point in bringing that up is that I've had a portion of my career, • • at least, probably about a third of my career, where I was living in that zone of • blaming and not taking responsibility • and being evasive and making excuses and getting defensive. • • • • • • • • So I know how that went. It didn't go well, • • • • • • and everybody knew that I messed up, and everyone knew that it was my responsibility and knew it was my fault. • • • • But then for two thirds of my career, I've tried to take. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'M not saying I've done it every time, • • • • • • but more often, much more often, • I try to take responsibility and apologize. • • • • • • It diffuses • • all that talk • and it builds trust, it builds confidence, • and it builds morale and it builds a better relationship with your team. • • So number one is to publicly take responsibility for mistakes • • • and number two is to give credit to your team publicly. So you know, when your teachers or the school achieve something positive, let's say it's academic success with • um, you know, test scores or • • um, it's a really successful event like back to school night or grandparents day, or it's some sort of improvement in the school culture or maybe it's • • um, • • • • a um, the self study for accreditation. Everyone worked really hard and got turned in ahead of the deadline. • • • We have to give credit where credit is due. • • • And these teachers, they work really hard. And I'm not trying to say that every teacher in your school is perfect or that every school teacher in your school works really, really hard, but almost all of them do. • • • • • And so when we're in staff meetings or you know, the places where we can give credit, we can give it publicly in a staff meeting or at an all school assembly, • • um, • • or an all school religious service if you're a religious school. • • Um, in the school newsletter we can highlight what happened. Um, it can be the daily memo or the weekly memo or the parent memo. • • • There are a lot of places where we can shout out people morning announcements, • • um, • to celebrate their success and give them those shout outs that they've earned • • • and so that they know that their hard work is appreciated and it builds morale and it strengthens your team • • and it encourages continued dedication and it encourages them to have a lens through which they start shouting out others. • • • • • • • • • • Is that something that you want at your school? • • • Well, you can set the example by being the one that is giving credit to team, the team in general or team members in particular. • • • • Give credit to your teachers. They work hard. When things are worthy of • • recognition, we need to recognize them. • • • Number three is to coach and correct in private when teachers make mistakes All right, so that brings us to number three on our list of • • uh, seven • • strategies, • • • um, for effective leadership • • with regards to taking the blame and giving credit. So number three is to coach and correct in private. And so this kind of goes back to what I was saying about the NFL coach and the quarterback that threw • • four interceptions. • • • • • • When somebody on, when one of your teachers messes up • • • • and they make a mistake • • • and they need guidance and maybe they're embarrassed, • • • it is so important to handle those conversations privately because • • • publicly correcting them, publicly pointing it out, shining that light on them Publicly blaming them, you know, like I said, getting out your blame thrower, that just is embarrassing and it damages trust. • • • • • • • • And so let's say it's a • • teacher that needs improvement in their area of, uh, in the area of classroom management. Okay, well, you're not going to call them out in front of even one other colleague. You're going to talk to them one on one. You're going to discuss this, you're going to give suggestions, you're going to support them, you're going to maybe either yourself or get someone else to model a lesson. Maybe you're going to give them, you know, a copy of Harry Wong's, um, book the First Days of School. I'll link that in the show notes. I think that is the • • • • bible, quote unquote of effective classroom management. • • • Um, you're going to do it in private. And when you're in private, it allows you to be more honest, it allows you to be constructive. • • • It takes some of the emotion out of it. I'm not saying that there's no emotion there because they're going to feel defensive, you're going to feel stressed. But you can preserve the dignity of that teacher and respect that teacher by having that conversation in private. So, • • • • • um, • • • • • we accept the responsibility publicly and then we do our coaching and correcting in private. • • • All right? Number four on our list is to just be transparent. And again, transparency, we hear a lot about that And then number four on our list is to just be transparent. And again, transparency, we hear a lot about that. • • • I, um, think that there's even m more in our schools, there's more of a focus on that because in generally in the corporate world, in the political world, in local and state and federal government, that there just seems to be more and more of a lack of transparency. • • And so this has become a really important issue for people in general, for our teachers in particular. • And so we just want to be upfront and • • uh, about what happened. We can't share everything necessarily, especially if it's a staff issue, a personnel issue. Sometimes we can't really share much of anything. • • Um, but what we can share we should share and be transparent. • • • And • • • • • if there's an issue that, that comes up, • • um, we need to just be clear with the teachers or maybe it's an email to the parents, depending on the situation. • • And it's like, okay, such and such happened. And maybe you can't really say too much about what happened, but you can say, you know, this is a priority for us, that we're going to take this seriously. Here are the three steps that we're going to take to address it. Um, if you would like, to discuss this further, please, you know, reach out by email, just addressing it, • • you know, taking it on. • • I think so many of us were worried about the blowback. We're worried about the negative feedback and whatever. And then we kind of like kick the can down the road as far as, like, the communication and the transparency. • And all that does is make people think that we're hiding something. And then the rumor mill starts going, and then we have to get into, like, reaction mode and spin control and pr, • • managing the PR aspect of it. When, if we can just quickly and intelligently, • • • • • • um, do it, uh, communicate in a way that, um, just builds credibility and just reassures • • the teachers or the parents • • that you've got this and that you're handling this • • responsibility, • • you're handling it responsibly, • • and that you're accountable. • • • Own your decisions even when they're delegated. And that kind of goes back to that extreme m Ownership So • • • transparency and then communicating that, • • um, that brings us to number five, and that is to own your decisions even when they're delegated. • • • And this is tough. Okay? This is really tough because it's super clear to you who messed up. • • • • You make a decision, you delegate it to others, • • but ultimately you are responsible for that outcome. • • You know, the coach of that NFL team has an offensive coordinator and a defensive coordinator. • And if that defensive coordinator came up with a game plan • and that game plan didn't work • • • • in that post game press conference, • • • • that coach can't throw the defensive coordinator under the bus. • • He's going to have a conversation or two later. • • But • • • • when things are clearly delegated, • • • when something goes wrong, there's even more of a temptation to blame that person because it's super clear who it is that messed up. • • • But it's super important that we don't blame that person publicly. • • • • • • So let's say that someone at your school is important • • • or, excuse me, is responsible for, uh, planning an event. • • • • Um, and let's just say that that event was pretty disorganized and • • • • didn't really go well. And the registration materials weren't there and the coffee was cold and there wasn't enough food and there weren't enough chairs and just, you know, like, • • it didn't go well. • Okay, • well, the next, you know, um, • • • leadership meeting that you have, • • you're debriefing and, • • • um, this event, and everybody sitting there knows • • that who, who's responsible, • • • • • • • but you can take responsibility • • and be like, okay, I've, you know, I'm gonna, • • • • • um, we're gonna, we're gonna have a better event next year. I own this. • • • Um, and, and we will work. We're gonna take the feedback. But we're gonna focus on what we can do better, and we're gonna. We're gonna move forward. • • • • • • • So own the decisions even when they're delegated. And that kind of goes back to that extreme m Ownership that I mentioned. That's in that episode that I'll link in the show notes. Model Accountability Daily is about being consistent in how you handle situations All right, we're almost there. Two more quick ones. Model Accountability Daily is number six. • • • And again, • • that's hard to do for all the reasons I listed at the top of the episode. But, you know, accountability isn't just about handling, like, the big issues in the school, the big • • • • noticeable issues in the school. It's about being consistent • • every single day in how you handle situations because, you know, • • being accountable and taking responsibility. This isn't like something that you do every now and then. It's just like a way of life. It's a, um, it's a characteristic of your leadership. • • And if you make a small mistake in a meeting, let's say, like giving incorrect information, just correct yourself immediately • and show that even small mistakes matter. • • Um, you know, this. This really sets a strong example for your teachers. • • Again, it displays integrity, • • and it shows that you. You're taking responsibility in the little things and in the big things, you know, not just the big, grand, sweeping gestures. When it's something big, that is a really huge issue that, you know, the self study is. • • • • Is not done, and it's two weeks past the deadline, you know, or, • um, there was some major • • • thing about, you know, the campus facilities • issue. The, you know, the parking lot didn't get. Was not plowed, and, • um, • • you know, someone slipped and fell on their way into the school. • • • • • All right, it's pretty easy to blame the guy that didn't show up with his team to plow the parking lot. But, you know, it's like we have to be in this mode • • • • of. • • • • • • Instead of blaming, • • • • • • • taking responsibility. • • • • Number seven is to celebrate team successes without taking credit And then that brings us to number seven on our list of strategies, and that is to celebrate team successes without taking credit. I used to have this all backwards early in my career. • • • • • • For the leader, it's really about • • • • • shining that spotlight on the teachers, on your leadership team, on your kitchen staff, your office staff, your • • bus drivers, your coaches, • • • um, • • • your team members, the maintenance staff, the custodians. • • • • • Uh, as leaders, we're in the background. • • • • We're leading • • from behind. • • You know, that servant leadership, • • • the shepherd kind of guides the sheep. • • When your team, when your teachers accomplish something great, • you need to resist the urge to claim too much credit. And I would say resist the urge to • • claim any credit, • • even if you played a big role in front or behind the scenes, • • you know, if your school's • • standardized test scores go up, celebrate the teachers and the students who made it happen • • and just highlight that work that everyone put into and celebrate it. • • • And what it does is it builds a culture of shared success • • • because we've probably worked for people or we've seen • • people, • whether, um, it's on TV or actors portraying leaders in movies or whatever. When you know, the team accomplishes something and then the leader steps up and takes credit for it. And that is just the cringiest thing. • • And it feels like crap for people who did the hard work and then the leaders taking the credit. So this is probably a no brainer for you, • but I think it bears, um, mentioning anyways • • that, um, we want to build a culture of shared success • • where every teacher, every team member, they feel like their contribution is valued and recognized. • • And one of the ways we can assure that is that when great things happen, we're not taking the credit for it. • • • • So • • • what did we learn today? Well, we talked about three reasons why it's so important to take extreme ownership, • • • • • to take responsibility, to take the blame and to give credit to others. But also if there's something that needs to be corrected, we want to do it in private. • • And three reasons why it's so important to lead in this way is, number one, it builds trust. • Number two, it empowers others. And number three, it models integrity. • • And then our seven strategies for effective leadership • with regards to taking the blame and giving credit. Number one, we're going to publicly take responsibility for our mistakes. • Number two, we're going to publicly give credit to our team. • • Number three, we're going to coach and correct in private. • • Number four, be transparent. Number five, own decisions even when they are delegated. • • Number six, model accountability daily in the big things and the small things. And then number seven is to celebrate the success of our teachers and our team without taking credit. • • • • And your call to action for today's episode is that the next time that you have the urge to blame someone publicly for a mistake, just pause, • • take responsibility publicly, and then discuss it in private. • I know a lot easier said than done, but, um, • • • • you are very much able to do this. And it's that pause that is the big thing. Just have to pause before we react and start to blame and play that blame game. • • Mark Menkaus offers free guide on working with difficult parents So I want to give you another free gift as we wrap up the episode today. And this one's called 5 Strategies to Help you work with difficult parents. And we know that working with Parents is part of the job. And most of our parents are great, but some of them can be pretty demanding and emotional and difficult. • And this guide will give you the tools you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. So if you go to the privateschoolleader.com Parents, you can grab this free guide called the Five Strategies to Help you work with difficult parents. And that's just going over to the private school leader.com parents and you can get that for free. • • • And the last thing I want to mention is just a reminder that, um, if you want to go from • • being in survival mode and feeling like, do I want to keep doing this? This is so hard. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and stressed out, and my family just is getting what's left of me at the end of the day, and this is just not sustainable. • • • If any of that resonates with you right now, • • • then I urge you to check out the privateschoolleader.com thrive • • because Thrive Academy is an online course that can take you step by step, strategy by strategy, from where you are to that ultimate goal of having a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And so I want to help you go step by step to get there. And you can check that out at the private school leader • • • um.com thrive • • • and just a reminder that, um, I love the feedback. You know, we've gotten some great reviews lately on Apple podcasts. Wherever you listen. If you would just take the time, take a few minutes to write a review • and rate the podcast. • I love the feedback. I really appreciate it. But more importantly, it helps, um, • the algorithm push this podcast out as suggested content to private school leaders all over the world. We're trying to get the word out, and one of the ways to do that, the most important way to do that, is to just take the link from today's episode and share it with another leader in your life or an aspiring leader at your school. • • • • • • I've been your host, Mark Menkaus. I appreciate you. I appreciate all the hard work that you're doing at your school for your lucky teachers and your lucky kids. • And I just want to say thank you so much for taking time out of your week to join me here today. And I'll see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.

Nov 23, 2024 • 35min

Episode 110: The 4 Secrets To Being A Great Leader

Being a great leader is pretty straightforward. It is NOT easy. It is a lot of hard work. Day after day, week after week. That said, some people think that being a great leader is a huge mystery or a big secret. OK, I’ll play along. On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, I am going to share The 4 Secrets To Being A Great Leader. Mark Minkus Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget. That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible. I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1. I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide! I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week! Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode110 Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks! I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations. George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo TRANSCRIPT: Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that. Right here on the Private School Leader podcast. I'm, um, your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So being a great leader • is actually pretty straightforward. • • • Now, it's not easy. • • • It is a lot of hard work • • day after day to be a great leader. • • But • • being a leader • • is actually being a great leader. Excuse me, is actually pretty straightforward. And, you know, some people think • • • that leaders are born • • • and not made that, you know, you have to be born a leader. • • • Um, I don't believe that. I think that some people are born with certain, you know, tendencies and what have you. But you can be an introvert or an extrovert, or you can be any kind of person • • and be a great leader. • • • And some people think that it's some big secret. • • Well, I don't think it's a secret, but I'll play along. • And on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, • • I'm going to share with you the four secrets to being a great leader. • • • 7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers is free on podcast So before we jump into today's topic, • • I want to give you a gift, • a free gift for listening to the podcast, just to say thank you. And this one's called 7 Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers. • • • So at our schools, sometimes we need some courage and some confidence to deal with that, uh, difficult teacher, or teachers, plural. And, you know, what you need is a plan. • • And this is a step by step plan that you can use, and it'll help one of your difficult teachers, hopefully improve their performance and improve their attitude. Does that sound pretty good to you? • • So you can grab this@theprivateschool leader.com Difficult 7 strategies to effectively Deal with Difficult Teachers. You can get it@theprivateschoolleader.com difficult free for you. Just as a thank you for listening to the podcast, • • • and I'm going to tell you something • • that you already know is true, • • and that is that being a private school leader is a very, very, very difficult job. • • You have to make hundreds of decisions every day. You have to keep everyone safe. • You have to increase enrollment and keep the parents happy and keep the board happy and motivate your teachers and deal with student discipline and beat last year's test scores and come in under budget. And, oh, by the way, when all that's done, • • • • make sure. That you • take good care of yourself and don't be a jerk to your family. • • • • Well, no wonder • • a lot of private school leaders are feeling tired and discouraged and stressed out. I know. I've been there. • • • And, uh, at the beginning of every episode, I say that I believe that it is possible for you to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. • • And I have to ask you, • • do you want to do this for a long time? Do you feel happy at school? Do you feel fulfilled in your career right now? • • Do you want that? • • • Do you want to go from how you're feeling right now to feeling energized and feeling happy and feeling fulfilled at school? • • • Well, • • I can guide you through that transformation step by step, • strategy by strategy. • • And you can check out my online course called Thrive Academy. • • And basically, what I've learned over the past 33 years • • of how to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader • • is in Thrive Academy. • • So check it out@the privateschoolleader.com thrive to learn more. That's the private school leader.com thrive. • • We're talking about the four secrets to being a great leader today All right, • so I'm going to kind of do some air quotes around the word secrets, • • but we're going to talk about the four secrets to being a great leader today. And here they are. Number one, • tell the truth. • • Number two, • • • • • • treat them like people first and employees second. • • • Secret number three is listen. And secret number four is serve. • • • And if you do these four things, • • you will be a great leader. • • • So secret number one is tell the truth. • • • All right, so if you've been listening to this podcast for any length of time, • and I want to give a shout out to those of you that have been here since the beginning. Here we are in episode 110. • • • Thank you for listening and I hope that you are getting value from this podcast still. • • • But if you've been listening, • • • you know that integrity is really important to me. • • • And if I had to do a power ranking of all of the things that I think are important for you to be an excellent leader, for you to be a great leader, for you to be a transformational leader, • • • • that power ranking, integrity would be first • and then there would be a big drop off to whatever was in second. • • • • • There, in my opinion, is nothing more important than integrity • • for you to be a great leader. • • • • Integrity is the foundation of your leadership. • • And let me give you an example of what I mean. • • • • • • • Back in the summer of 2000, • • • • • our school was building a gymnasium • • • • and it was attached to the school, kind of the back left corner of the camp of the uh, building. • • • • And I'd drive to school every day during the summer • • and there were workers there, but it didn't seem like much was happening over there. • • • • And you know, come back day after day, day after day, and it just looked the same. The work site looked exactly the same, even though they were over there working. • • • • Well, it turns out what they were doing is they were drilling • • • three foot wide • • holes • • • all the way down to the bedrock. • • And then they were putting rebar • • and gravel and concrete and filling those all the way up to the level of the ground of the dirt. • • And I forget, I want to say it was like 33 holes • • and some of them were really deep. Okay? And that takes a long time to • • drill that hole and to get the dirt out and to get the rebar down there and the uh, concrete all the way up to the dirt. • • • • They were doing that. And it took a long time. And that's why when I came to work every day and looked over there, it looked the same because everything that was happening was happening underground. • • • • • • But then one day, all of a sudden, • • there's a metal frame of a metal building there. • • • • And • • every one of those 33 contact points • • for making that metal building sturdy was sitting on • • one of those caissons, one of those concrete tubes • • going all the way down to touch that bedrock. • • • • • And so obviously the analogy is that your leadership • • has to be resting on something • • • solid. • • The foundation has to be rock solid, and the foundation has to be your integrity. • • And there's many ways to display integrity, to be dependable, to be trustworthy, to make ethical decisions. But I think • • that the most important way to show, uh, • • • that you have integrity is to tell the truth. • • • • Because a leader who tells the truth • • • • • creates an environment of trust. • • • • And you know, your staff needs to know that they can rely on you • • • • to be honest with them. • • • • • And telling the truth builds psychological safety. • • • And psychological safety. When you see surveys • • • about workplace, and I don't care what industry it is, corporations, • • • um, • • • • uh, factories, • um, schools, hospitals. • • When you see surveys • • • • of, uh, people saying what • makes a good workplace, • why they stay in certain organizations, • • • • Psychological safety is always at or near the top of that list. • • • • • And you • • • • can help to build psychological safety with your team, with your teachers by telling the truth. • • • • And it's essential for collaboration, it's essential for a positive work culture, you know, transparency, • • • just • • • all of, all of, all of that. And I don't mean just tell the truth with the teachers, I'm telling the truth with the parents, with the board, • telling the truth. • • • And it helps you to overcome that distrust of leadership. • • • • And there are a lot of people • that work for you in your schools, whether it's the teachers, the office staff, the kitchen staff, the custodial staff, the security officers, the bus drivers, • • the coaches, whoever it is. • • • • There are a lot of people • • that come to your organization • • • • and it has nothing to do with you, but they come in the door • • • • with their leadership baggage. • • • And what I mean by that is that they have possibly have, probably have a distrust of leadership in general, • • • • • • • • • and they bring that baggage into the door, in through the door with them when they start working at your school. Because there are a lot of people in authority, in leadership positions that don't tell the truth. • • So let's just think about politicians. • • It doesn't matter what side of the aisle. You know, there are many times where the truth • is not always • • • • • told. • • • • • And then another quick example is, you know, the leader of a college football team, that college football coach that's being pursued by his alma mater to go coach there. And he's like, well, I'm going to be. I'm the coach here and I'm going to be here and I'm focused on this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the next day he's at a press conference at that, at that college saying, you know, with, uh, the new colors and the new gear and, you know, there he's being introduced as the coach. • • • • And so people in authority • in our lives, • • • I'm not saying they always lie to us, but we tend to have a negativity bias and we remember negative things easier than we do positive things. And so I'm just saying that we have to overcome the distrust of leadership in general. And sometimes the leader, uh, the distrust of leadership in particular in your school, or maybe because of your predecessor, whatever the case might be, • • integrity • • • • by telling the truth. • • • And sometimes it's hard, • • • • and it's hard when you feel like, well, you know, if I tell the truth here, I might look bad. • • Or when you feel like you are testing positive for imposter syndrome, • you don't want to tell the truth in that situation • • because it's going to sell you out that you are going to look like you don't know what you're doing, • • • • • or maybe it's just a fear of conflict. You know, I've gone to a meeting before where, you know, it's teachers in that meeting, and I know that I have to talk to them about something and I'm going to get pushback and there's going to be people that disagree with me • • • • • and If I'm in fear of that conflict, then I'm going to be evasive. • • I'm not going to tell the whole truth. It's going to be • • • • something less than telling the truth. And I'll tell you what, when it gets the thing, when I think it's the hardest to tell the truth is when you're under a tremendous amount of stress. • • • • • And as private school leaders, we have all kinds of stress. Stress from home, stress from the board, stress from the admissions office, stress from the finance office, • • um, stress from the parents, stress from the teachers, stress from students who have needs that are going unmet, or maybe they're misbehaving and need consequences. • • • • • • And you're under all that stress, and then you're going to tell the truth. • • • • And the answer is yes, • • because that is one of the ingredients • • of outstanding leadership, is to tell the truth. • • You want to build trust, • • you want to build • • • confidence in you. You want to build a great team, you want to build a great culture. Do you want to improve staff morale? Do you want to increase psychological safety? • • Do you want that kind of a school? Do you want that kind of a team? Do you want that kind of a culture? You need to tell the truth. • • • • • Treating your teachers and your teams like people first and employees second All right. Secret number two is to treat them like people first and employees second. • • • • • • • • So, you know, in private schools, sometimes our leadership, • • • • • that it's a lot about managing tasks • • and master schedules • • and events • • and student safety • • and labor laws and payroll • • and handbooks and policies • • and facilities • • • • and transportation • • • • • and things like that. Sometimes it's a lot more than that, • • than it is about the relationships. • • • • • But really, at its core, what we do • • • and what matters the most is all about • • relationships. • • • • • And the most powerful way to build • • • • strong, • • trusting, authentic relationships is by treating our teachers and • • • our team as people first • • and as employees second. • • • So let me explain what I mean. • • • First of all, I want to tell you why it's so important. When you treat your teachers, your teams, • • like people, • • • • • it shows that you authentically care • • about them. • Authentically care. • • • • • People get really good at sniffing out a fake. • • • • Our BS meters are finely tuned • • mechanisms. • • • • People know • • if you're full of it, • • • • • if you honestly care about them more as a person than as an employee, it's going to show and they're going to know it. And if it's not true, they're going to know that, too. • • • • • So • • • • • • treating people, treating them like people first and employees second, • • it builds trust, it builds loyalty, it displays servant leadership, it improves your culture, it improves retention, • • it improves collaboration, it reduces burnout. There's a laundry List • • of good reasons, • • good outcomes • • • • • from treating them like people. • • • So how do you do that? Well, let me give you a few suggestions. • • • • • • • • First of all is to acknowledge that they have personal lives. • • • • • These are human beings that are in different seasons of their lives. • • • You might have a teacher in this room • • • who has a little baby at home or a little baby in daycare for the first time. • • • • • And then next door to her is a teacher who has an elderly parent that's in a hospital bed in the middle of their living room. • • • • • Different seasons, • • different responsibilities, • • • • • different • • issues, • • • • • you know, and maybe next to that person's room is • a parent who has a couple of teenagers and they're, um, you know, they're kind of taking a walk on the wild side right now. And it's a lot for that parent. • • • • • • • Maybe next to that person is, um, someone that's getting married in a few weeks. So you get it. They have personal lives. They have things going on in their lives. They have hopes and dreams and fears and struggles and disappointments and celebrations. They're people. • • • • And so one of the things that we can try to do is to provide, • • • uh, flexibility. • • • • • And I know what some of you are thinking. You're like, well, yeah, but flexibility? What about the what about PTO and what about the employee handbook? And what about this and what about that? And I get it. • • • We can't play favorites. We can't have a different set of rules for the person who • • • • is, you know, going through something. Because then maybe sometimes we're worried that the people that aren't going through something • are going to get all bent out of shape. But here's the thing. At some point, everybody's going to go through something. • • • • • • And I think that if we come down like the tyrant with the little black book • • • and provide zero flexibility with our teachers, we're not going to hang on to our teachers. • • • • So we have to use common sense. We have to be reasonable. We have to stay within the, uh, guidelines of the employee handbook. But we can, we can show some grace and show some flexibility here and there. • • • • • • • • They need to leave a little bit early. • • • • Fine. • • • • • Are they leaving early every single day for four weeks in a row? Not fine, • • • • but we need to be open to the flexibility, • • • • • especially when it's situational stuff that they're going through. Okay? • • Another thing we can do to treat them like people • • • first and employees second is to ask, listen, and remember. • • • So, you know, one of the most asked questions in the world is how are you? Or how you doing? • • But I also think that that's one of the Questions that people listen to the answer the least. • • • • • • • • • So you're going to ask them how they're, how they're doing and you're actually going to listen and you're going to use emotional intelligence. And • • • • • you know, they're, they're going to, they're going to tell you, hopefully they're going to tell you what's, what's going on. • • • • • Um, • • you know, if, if one of them • • • • • • • • say you have a teacher named David • • • • • and he tells you that his mom, you know, you asked him how's m. He. Well, I'm kind of stressed out. Why are you stressed out? • • • • Well, my mom's having surgery on Thursday afternoon. Um, you know, I took a half personal day on Thursday afternoon. Um, you know, • • • okay, • • • • • • if you're a religious person, if you're a spiritual person, maybe you say, I'm praying, I'll be praying for her. Or, you know, I'll be thinking about you. You know, you'll be in my thoughts. • • • • • • But you know what you could do? This is what I do and try to do. Um, but I've, I've been doing it for a while and it works. Most of the time is, you know, you walk out of that room, pull out your phone, go to your calendar, put a little appointment with yourself in there for 8am to 8:05am on Friday, • • • • David's mom, or check on David's mom, • • an appointment with yourself. Because on Tuesday at 10:00am when you just asked him, how's it, how's it going? And he told you about his mom's surgery on Thursday afternoon, you're not going to remember. • • • • • But when that little thing comes up on your phone Friday at 8am • • • • • you could either stop by his room or you could shoot him a text and just say, how's your mom? • • • • • • That's treating people like people, that's treating your teachers like people. • • • • • Another way you can do this is to be a visible leader. • • • And by being a visible leader and you're out and about in the school, then what I really strongly recommend, and I try to do this, I try to lay eyes on every teacher that I either supervise or that's in my division. • • Um, • • • I try to lay eyes on them at least once a day. And whether that's at the religious service every morning or during a class change or during the lunch recess block, even if I don't talk to every one of them, I try to see them • • • • • every day and what I'm doing is reading their body language. • • • So I try to talk to everybody every day. But that doesn't happen. But if you can just • • • • make it a point to try • • to see your people, • • • they see you and just uh, I'll link the episode, I did an episode, um, • • on you know, how to be a more visible leader. I'll link that in the show notes@the privateschoolleader.com Episode 110. • • • • • • • • • • Being a visible leader has a laundry list of why that's a good thing. But one of the things about it is that you can be out and about, you can read their body language and then if it's not great, then you can check in with them. • • Another way you can treat your teachers like people • • instead of employees or treat them like people first and employees second is to say thank you and to be specific about what you're thanking them for. Thank you for your help with that • • fifth, um, • grade parent, um, expo. Thank you for an amazing art show. Thank you for • • • working with • • um, • • Samantha after class. I saw you out in the hallway doing that thank you • • show gratitude. • • • • Another way that we can treat our people, treat our teachers like people Another way that we can • • • • • treat our people, treat our teachers like people. • • • Just intentional encouragement • • • • • and then also investing in their well being. • • Um, for example, • you know, I know let's say I have a teacher who's been out sick for a couple days. • They're really behind, • • • • um, stressed out, not, still not feeling great. • • Um, you know, I might stop by to check on them and if I'm reading their body language and they're really not doing great, if I'm going to be outside at recess anyways that day, hey, let me cover your recess duty. You just • • • take a break, catch up. • • • • Um, • • • • or • • • to cover someone's class and maybe you can't. I'm not saying you can be everywhere and you can do it, but you could • • • • you get somebody to do that? I'm not saying all the time, • • • • • but every once in a while • • you're investing in their well being. • • • Actions speak louder than words. We've heard that all our lives. • • • • • • So we're checking in and that's important and that matters. But also every once in a while we're actually doing something tangible • • • to help. • • • • • • And um, I'm a big believer finally in um, • one more way to treat them like people first and teacher second. I'm a big believer in handwritten notes. • • • • Um, very powerful, very rare, rare things are remembered. But it takes a lot of time • • • • and it takes intention • • • and it takes remembering. • • But it also • • • is very, very • • important and it shows a lot about • • you when you do that handwritten note. • • • • So that happens sometimes. Um, for you, maybe it's impossible, but it's something to think about. You want to treat your employees like people first and teachers second Okay, • • • so, and then lastly on this one, you know, um, we want to treat them like people first and teachers second. Even, even when it's hard. And you know when it's hardest is, it's most difficult is when we're really busy and we're really stressed out. • • When we think, well, that's just, that's their job. They just need to do their job. • • • • We get into that mindset, • • • • • their employees first and their people second. That's going to come out in a lot of different ways. • And then, you know, schedule time into your week • for those walk arounds where you're just checking in on people. • You know, a lot of it is the box is checked if you, you know, again, listen to that episode about being a more, um, visible leader. • • • A lot of this overlaps where you can give that intentional encouragement and check on them and • • um, check back with them about how this thing went in their life or what have you. A lot of that happens when you're more visible in your school. • • • • • Secret number three of how to be an outstanding leader is to listen Okay, that brings us to secret number three of how to be an outstanding leader. • • • And secret number three is to listen. • • • • And so I know that you listen. You know, I, uh, just think that it's really, really rare • • • for someone to feel like someone listened to them. • • • • • • You know, when was the last time that you felt like someone really listened to you? • • • • • • And so, you know, we know it builds trust and a great culture and • • teacher retention and good morale. Like a lot of the things on this list, check those boxes. • • • • • • • • • But how are you going to be a better listener with your teachers, with your team? • • • • • Well, • • • • • you're going to ask three little, you're going to say three little words. • • • • After they're done answering your question, after they're done talking, after they're done sharing something that you're listening to, you're going to say three little words. In those words. Words are first of all. You say first of all. Well, that sounds really hard • • and I'm sorry that you're going through that. And that sounds like that would be • • really difficult. I can't imagine what that must feel like to not be sure that, • • • um, • • your child is safe when they're • • • in college down in Florida and there's a hurricane coming through, whatever it might be, • • • acknowledge and validate their feelings. And here's the thing, • • up until about a year and a half ago, • • • • • I would just plow into • • • • • unleashing the advice monster • • • • • or • • solving the problem right away. • • • And I was listening with the intent to respond, which is not really listening. And so if we listen • • and then we train ourselves to say, first of all, • • • we're going to listen in a different way because we are going to have to acknowledge and validate their feelings by saying, first of all, • • • we're going to listen differently so that we know what to say. And it's changed the way that I listen. • • And I thought I was a pretty good listener before I started doing that. But like I said, the advice monster or the problem solving, • • um, would come out • • • • and I did an episode on that. Three little words that will change the way that you lead. • • • And I'll link that in the show notes for you as well. • • • • • • Listening sometimes is met with initial resistance from the teacher. • • They give one word answers, • • well, then just ask open ended questions instead of saying, you know, three weeks into the school year, well, do you like the new schedule? • • • • Which begs an answer. That's a yes or no answer. • • • • You could say, well, how's the, how has the new schedule impacted your teaching? That's just one example. You know how to ask open ended questions. • • • • • • We need to get better at tuning out distractions. A way to become a better listener is to be better, to get better at tuning out distractions. • • • • • There's a lot of distractions. We're talking to teachers in the hallway, • • • class change, recess, lunchroom. • • • • It's something we can get better at is tuning out the distractions, listening intently, • • • • saying first of all, responding, making sure that they feel heard, • actually listening. • Um, and we can also be more intentional about picking locations. We don't always have to talk to them during the class change or the, or recess or the lunchroom. If we pop into their room during a prep or you know, talk to them in the copy machine room, what have you. Um, and again, a lot of those are impromptu, but some of those can be intentional, especially when you're checking back with someone about something. You can look at their schedule and see when they're probably either in the copy room or in their, or in their classroom. • • • And then the last thing I'll say on listening is to just be sure that you follow through on what you hear. You know, if you listen • • intently with empathy and you really care about what they have to say, • • • but then there's, and you say, well, you know what, I'm going to do this or that and then there's no follow through, then they, • • that's all going to fall apart, • • • • • not going to feel like they were heard. • • • • • And so we need to listen even when it's hard. And you know when it's hard is when we're busy, we're stressed out, it's noisy. We think, well, they'll be fine, they're tough, they're resilient. • • • • • Well, we're busy and stressed and noisy all the time. • • • • • It's noisy all the time in our school. So it's always going to be hard to be a good listener in our schools. • • But it is something that if we lean into it and we really, really work hard at being a better listener, that it will improve our leadership. • • Secret number four on how to be an outstanding leader is to serve And then that brings us to secret number four • on how to be an outstanding leader. And secret number four is to serve. • • • • • At the end of every episode. I say serve first, lead second, and make a difference. • • • So what actually is servant leadership? Well, servant leadership is the opposite of positional leadership. You know, positional, uh, • • leadership is about the title. It's about status and authority and because I said so and it's top down and it's command and control and • • • • people don't like to be led that way. • • • • • • • • • That is the way that people were led for many, many years. And you know, it was basically modeled after the military style of rank and rank and file. • • • And people don't want to be led that way, especially not professionals that are educators • that are doing the important work of educating children and changing lives. • • • • They want to be led by servant leaders. The research supports that. • • • • And so how, how do we, • • how do we lead • and serve? How do we, how do we lead with servant leadership? Well, • if you do the first three things on this list, tell the truth, treat them like people first and employees second, and listen, you're most of the way there. • • • • Throw in some empathy, • • humility, • • • • integrity and authenticity. • • • You're almost all the way there. • • • • • Lead by example • • and show that there's no task that is beneath you. • • • • Get that mop, • get that broom, • • • • get that rag and wipe the tables down. • • • • • Lend a hand. • • • • There's no task that's beneath you. If you're a servant leader, • • • • • be visible, • • be approachable, have a predictable mood. • • • Those are all part of being a servant leader. • • • • • And then just put others needs before your own and provide emotional support. And is it easy? Oh, no, no, no, no. This, uh, in my view, • • it's easy to be a positional leader because you don't care if people follow. They're following out of fear and coercion. • • • • • • • • • • Servant leaders, • • • people follow them. Those are volunteers and not hostages. • • • • • So it's really hard and you know, when it gets really difficult to do, • • to be, um, a servant leader is • • • all the time • • • • consistently displaying servant leadership, I think will be one of the Hardest things that you do as a leader at your private school. • • But it is also one of the most important things to do. And I will link two or three episodes in the show notes@theprivateschoolleader.com Episode 110 that take you step by step • • about servant leadership and how to do it and what it looks like. And I'll take good care of you in the show notes. But the big takeaways from today's episode, • • the four secrets to being an outstanding leader. Secret number one, tell the truth. Number two, • • • see them as people first and employees second. Number three, listen. And number four is serve. And your call to action is to decide which one of these four areas needs the most attention from you in your leadership and then take one action to improve it. • • • • • Mark Minkus: I have a free resource for private school leaders All right, so we've been talking about leadership and I have a free resource that I've mentioned before on the podcast. This one's called the six things that every Private School Teacher Wants from Their Leader. • • • • And some of it will be covering some of the same ground that we did on today's episode. But there's also more there. It's a six page PDF. I think it can be a game changer for you. I guarantee you if you do these six things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. • • And you can get that@the privateschool leader.com guide. And that's the six things that every private school teacher wants from their leader. • • • And then, um, another quick reminder is that, you know, um, coaching is all about transformation and all about • helping you solve your biggest problem at school right now. • • And I would love to work with you one on one and help you solve that problem. And so, um, just check that out at the private school leader.com coaching to see more about working with me one on one. • • • And I appreciate you. I am just so grateful that you listen to this podcast. • • And if you get value from it, I would just ask that you would • • share the link with another leader, school leader at your school or anywhere that you know this leader • • and • • an aspiring or rising leader at your school. You know, • • • • there's, there's a lot of current heads of school around North America • • • that are less than 10 years from retirement. And this next generation of school leaders, we need to raise them up. • So when you see that potential, share the podcast with them. • • • And I've been your host, Mark Minkus. I appreciate you so much. All the amazing work that you're doing for the lucky kids and lucky teachers at your school. Thank you for taking some time out of your busy week to join me here today. And I'll see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.

Nov 16, 2024 • 36min

Episode 109: How To Help Your Child Navigate Being "The Principal's Kid"

In my 33 year career as a private school leader, I can look back on many challenging moments and many joyful moments. There was a stretch of about 15 years that was extremely challenging and extremely joyful. Those were the years when I was the Head of School and my daughters were students. You might remember Episode 16: When Your Children Attend The School That You Lead. That episode focused on you as the leader. Today, I want to shift the focus to your children. On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to discuss How To Help Your Child Navigate Being "The Principal's Kid" I know that you are super busy, so be sure to listen while you are doing something else. I hope that you will get value from this episode as you serve and lead your school community. Thank you for taking some time out of your day to listen to the podcast! Thanks for making a difference, Mark Minkus Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget. That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible. I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1. I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide! I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week! Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode109 Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!! I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks! I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations. George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo

Nov 9, 2024 • 37min

Episode 108: Grace AND Revenge: The Paradox Behind What Parents Want

par·a·dox /ˈperəˌdäks/, noun a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true As school leaders, we often face a paradox in parent expectations: When their child is involved in a mistake or misbehavior, parents expect grace and understanding from the school. However, when their child is on the receiving end of wrongdoing, those same parents can demand swift and severe punishment that feels like a quest for revenge. So, why does this happen, and how can we, as school leaders, respond in ways that uphold fairness, consistency, and our school’s values? On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to discuss Grace AND Revenge: The Paradox Behind What Parents Want. Thank you for taking me along with you when you are walking the dog, driving to school or running errands. I appreciate you and what you are doing for the lucky kids and teachers at your school. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference! Mark Minkus Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget. That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible. I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1. I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide! I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week! I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations. George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode108 Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!! I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks! TRANSCRIPT: Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and, ah, lead their schools. • I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So the title of today's episode is Grace and the Paradox behind what Parents Want. • • And that word, paradox, such an interesting word. Of course, we learned about that probably in middle school language arts. • And it's a statement or idea that seems to contradict itself and is often confusing. So it's two phrases or words or ideas that are put together in one statement that seems to be confusing or they seem to be contradictory. And it's often used in literature to show how complex our lives can be. And so, for example, Oscar Wilde said, life is much too important to be taken seriously. • And another famous quote is the only constant in life is change. So those are, that's a paradox. • And then we also have a paradox in famous stories like the Tortoise and the Hare or the Emperor's New Clothes. • • Those are a, uh, great, you know, the great examples of a paradox. And then, you know, not too far from paradox is oxymoron. I love a good oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp or plastic silverware. And so we have these things that just don't seem to go together. • And as school leaders, we often face a paradox when it comes to parent expectations. • • • And so on one hand, when their child • • • makes a mistake or is misbehaving or gets in trouble, • parents expect grace and a lot of understanding from the school. • • • However, • • • when their child is on the receiving end of wrongdoing, • • • those same parents • • want swift • judgment, severe punishment. And it almost feels like they're on a quest for revenge. • • And so when it's their child, they want grace. When it's another child doing something to their kid, they want revenge. • • So those two things don't seem to go together. • • And you know, this has come up recently, um, in Thrive Academy office hours. So with Thrive Academy, um, one hour a week, all current students are in there and we're, uh, • live on zoom. And it's come up recently about how this is just seems to be happening more and more often in our schools. • • And so why does this happen? And how can we as school leaders respond in ways that can uphold • • fairness and consistency in our handbook and our school values without giving in to that desire? For revenge from the parents. Free guide on how to deal with difficult parents on the Private School Leader podcast Well, you've come to the right place because on, um, today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to discuss grace and revenge, the paradox behind what parents want. • • And so I just want to say thank you so much for listening to the podcast. I know how busy you are, and I always encourage you to do something else while you're listening, like on your commute or when you're working out or doing errands or maybe walking the dog. • • But I just want to say thank you and I want to give you a free gift. And this is a free guide called five strategies to help you work with difficult parents. Our subject today is parents at our school. And we know that working with parents is part of the job. And most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. And so I've created a guide that will give you the tools you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. So if you go to the privateschoolleader.com parents, you can grab five strategies to help you work with difficult parents. • Free PDF there for you just to say thanks for listening. And that's theprivateschoolleader.com • • parents. • • • Thrive Academy office hours can help private school leaders grow and thrive So I mentioned a moment ago about Thrive Academy office hours, and I have to say that that's, like, one of the best hours of my week. We have leaders from all over, um, the United States that come together live on Zoom, and they're engaging in the content of Thrive Academy, the online course that you can check out@theprivateschoolleader.com thrive • • and • • • supporting each other, encouraging each other. You know, recently we had a Thrive Academy student who • hadn't, um, • • is an artist and loves to paint. And she even said that when she puts paint to canvas, all the stress leaves her body. And I asked her, well, how long has it been since you painted? And she said, 18 years. And. And I said, well, how long have you been a principal or worked in private schools? And I'm gonna let you guess that answer. • • Um, but the great news is that with encouragement from the other Thrive Academy students in Zoom, that she, about two weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon, painted for 45 minutes for the first time in 18 years. That's the power of that community. And the power behind Thrive Academy is to get you to go from where you are, • • • maybe in survival mode, maybe not having great boundaries between work and home, maybe not having great • control, uh, • • over your day as far as time management and the tyranny of the urgent takes you from where you are to getting to be thriving. And what I talk about every single episode to be to have a long and happy, • um, and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And so Thrive academy can help you get that. And, uh, the office hours can help you grow and help you keep that. And so again, just check it out. I think it's, um, something that could really, really help you. • • Grace and revenge: The paradox behind what parents want at school Private school leader.com thrive okay, so Grace and revenge. The paradox behind what parents want. We're talking about how • • • it seems like the same parents want two different things that don't go together when their child gets in trouble or has an academic need or • lashes out at a classmate, um, because they were emotionally dysregulated. The parent wants all kinds of grace and forgiveness from the school. • • But if someone does something to their child, • • they want swift punishment. • They want us to, quote, unquote, throw the book at them. And they want what feels like sometimes revenge. • • And so we're going to discuss five reasons why this happens, and then I will give you six strategies to effectively deal with this at your school. Sound good? Five reasons why this happens: protective instincts, emotional involvement, reputational concerns All right, so five reasons why • • • this happens. Number one, protective instincts. • Number two, emotional involvement. Number three, reputational concerns. Number four, cultural influences. And number five, perception of the school's role. • • Now, whenever I give a list, and I'm actually going to give a list a little later, that's six strategies. I know I just said at the top of the episode that I want you to hopefully do something else while you're listening. And so you can't, you know, be driving to work or walking the dog and jotting down these things on this list. But that's why I always take good care of you in the show Notes the private school leader.com episode 108. That's always how you find the show notes. It's just slash with the episode and then the number. And so, um, those will all be there for you. There are parents who want grace and revenge when something bad happens to their child So let's break it down. Number one, why do parents want grace and revenge? • • Number one is protective instinct. So we know that as parents, • • • or if you're not a, um, parent, you have maybe a niece or a nephew or certainly you have the students at the school. And we're emotionally invested and parents are biologically wired to protect their children. It's just in us, it's in them. • And when their child is, quote, unquote, the offender, • • they may perceive their child as being vulnerable and in need of shielding or protection or, you know, that sort of, you know, when you grab the back of your kid's shirt and keep them from going out into the crosswalk. When you do those reflex type things, you hit the brakes and you reach over and hold that person back in the, in the front seat. • • • • It's kind of like a reflex to protect our kids and uh, for them to protect their children. And so there's those protective instincts that kick in. And then on the other hand, you know, so when their child is offended, is being picked on, perhaps, or they're the one that is getting, • you know, the word bully we know, gets thrown around way too often. But if there's negative behavior that's directed towards their child, they, • • • they, um, they just want that, uh, they want to, you know, excuse me, they want their child. If their child is the offender, they want grace and they want us to see them as vulnerable and in need of some strong support. But on the other hand, if their child is the recipient of that negative behavior or they are quote, unquote, victimized, you know, my child is the victim here, • then they can shift into a mode of being defensive and wanting justice. You know, I think that • the. There, there is, there are amazing things that have happened, um, in recent years and especially since the 1960s, • • um, with the Civil Rights act as far as social justice in North America. Are we where we want to be? Are we where we need to be? Not even close. But there has been progress. • • And so that's awesome. But also I think that sometimes parents, • perception of justice can kind of get warped. And so I also think that the word victim is thrown around, uh, way too much sometimes by parents. And there are true victims of, • • um, • • attacks and • um, child molestation and sexual trauma. And there are true victims. But you know, if their child is left out of a kickball game at recess, • • • I don't think that that child is a victim. Okay. Um, and so we have to, you know, some of these words are just dripping with, with meaning and power. And so we have to be careful about that. But the reason that it's happening, number one, is because of the protective instincts • • of the parent. Number two is emotional involvement. So we know this. • • Parents, um, • are going to • • • let emotion get involved and then emotion clouds our ability to be objective. So they're not going to be. I shouldn't, um, again, I'm painting with a broad brush. I know that there are many of parents in our schools who don't go in for the whole grace and revenge paradox. Right. They are supportive and they are understanding when, and they're looking to, you know, support the adults. So I'm not talking about all of the parents, but there's always a percentage of parents in our school that are looking for grace when it's their child and revenge when it's something happening to their child. So again, I just want to give that little disclaimer. I'm not talking about all the parents in our schools, but they do get emotional, understandably so. • • And this emotional proximity, • • um, how emotional they are about the issue can really make it difficult to see them, to see this situation from any kind of a balanced perspective. And so when we're looking at a situation, • if we don't have any kind of balance or we don't perceive anything about the other side, the only thing we can focus on • • is our own child. And so, you know, the inability to zoom out because of the emotion is another contributing factor to why this happens. • • Number three, why does this happen? I, um, believe that it's reputational concerns. • • And so when their child does something wrong, I think • • many parents fear the long term consequences • • of getting consequences at school and the impact to their child's reputation about that or um, how is this going to impact their self esteem. And that's a fair, I think that's fair sometimes for them to be worried about that. But how many times have you been asked • • is this going to go on their permanent record? You know, when they get a detention or an after school detention, or they have to have a walking lunch with the lower school principal or whatever it is at your school, • • • • • • you know, they want to know is this going to, I mean there are things click in their head about. I've had • • parents of like fourth and fifth graders worried about like they're not going to get into the high school or the college of their choice. And it's like • • • • • • • • • • they're coming at it from a fear and an emotion standpoint. But also some of it is a lack of knowledge about how records work, • um, and what's sent on to the next school. • • • Um, but then on the other hand, • • when their child is wronged, their child is on the receiving end of the negative behavior. Often they feel this urgent need to preserve their child's dignity • • and make sure that their child is not perceived as weak or defenseless. So it's not really about the parent's reputation as much as it is they're concerned about their child's reputation in that school. And then also how long is that going to linger? • So there's some reputational concerns that I think contribute to this paradox. • • • Number four on our list of why does this happen? Why do we have this paradox of parents seeking grace • and revenge? • • • Number four? I think it's cultural influences. And so what I'm getting at is I think that the modern parenting culture • • often can emphasize a hyper awareness • of fairness, equity, and advocacy. Okay, now, • • depending on when you were born, what, when you were growing up, all of us had different experiences when we were in school with regards to when we got in trouble. • I know with me, • • • • if I got in trouble at school, which I did, um, they would call home, and I would get in trouble at home as well. • • • • • Now, depending on how long your career is mine, I've been doing this for 33 years. And I can tell you that over those three decades plus, that I've seen a huge shift from probably the first 10 to 15 years • • where parents, • • probably a large percentage of parents would be very supportive of the school and of my decision for a consequence, and then would say, yep, I'll talk to them, or they're going to get it at home. Um, get in trouble at home as well. Okay. But I would say in the last 10 years, • • • especially the last five to seven years, • • that there definitely has been a shift. And sometimes, honestly, I feel like I'm a prosecuting attorney when I'm on the phone talking to a parent about what their child did. • And so I think that this. Just this spike in fairness, equity, and advocacy, and I think they're kind of mixed up on that. Like, they don't have to advocate for their child to be treated equitably in the school. If you, as the school leader are just enforcing the handbook, you know, the kid did this, the kid, um, skipped class. And in your handbook, it says that the consequences this. • And then you're just following through and communicating it to the parent. • • • And it's very clear that the kid did the thing. • But then there's just this eruption that, • well, yeah, but what about all these other kids? Or it's a stupid rule, you know, they. They point out, you know how it goes. They point out what the other kids are doing. Sort of like when we get a speeding ticket, well, everyone else was speeding. • • Um, • • • you know, they point out what other kids are doing. They attack the rule or they attack the person enforcing the rule, which is you. • • We know how this goes, okay? But the modern parenting culture, not with every parent, but I've seen an increase • in this. And then also • • I think that parents feel very responsible for ensuring that they think they have a responsibility to make sure their child receives just • and fair treatment at school. • • • • • • And again, I get it. From an emotional standpoint, but we do a very good job. I would say, almost without exception, our schools do a very good job of treating children fairly. • • • • And it really hurts and it sucks and it feels crappy when parents are • • questioning that or accusing us of not doing that because • • they're really questioning our integrity. • • • And then when they imply that, oh, well, we're going easy on this kid because of what their last name is and that the gymnasium is named after that family, • • when you know that you're doing things right down the line with the handbook, that hurts. • • • • And so • • • • it's, um, • you know, it's very difficult when it comes to • • those cultural influences. Some parents believe that school should take a nurture and rehabilitate approach when misbehaving And then finally, number five, • • why does this happen? Why are parents sometimes, some parents seeking grace and revenge is the perception of the school's role. Okay? And so what I mean by that is that some parents view the school as an organization or an institution that should protect their child at all costs. Okay? Like in other words, wrap them in bubble wrap and then tissue paper and then another layer of bubble wrap and that when their child misbehaves, • • that the school should take a nurture and rehabilitate approach as opposed to any kind of consequence. Now, I don't necessarily disagree with that. • • Um, and a lot of it has to do with the age of the child, you know, and a lot of it has to do with, you know, most of our discipline systems are, um, have an escalation to it. So if there's something that a child does once, they're probably going to get a warning. And then if they do that same thing again, then they're probably going to get a small consequence. But if they keep doing that thing or something similar, then the consequence will increase as far as its, • um, you know, duration, whether it goes from a lunch detention to an after school detention or a one day suspension or whatever the case may be. Okay? • • I think that that is a, • an approach that when done well, can help nurture and rehabilitate the child. But parents don't necessarily see it that way. And we have to remember that they don't work in schools, most of them don't. • • • And um, they have a misconception about what our role is. • And then when their child is wronged, when their child, the negative behavior is towards their child, they want us to act decisively • • and swiftly • and severely. • • • • • And that's a pretty inconsistent view when you think about it. On the one hand, when it's their child that's doing the misbehavior, • • they want us to nurture and rehabilitate and be kind and so on and so forth. • Kid gloves. • • But if it's their child that's on the receiving end, zoom. They want like the lightning bolt from heaven, right? • And so that's an inconsistent view, and it leads to conflicting demands on the part of the parent. And then it puts us in all tied up in knots, you know, when we're trying to deal with parents who are asking for these things or demanding these things. So it's tough. I'm not saying it's easy. It's tough, but sometimes it helps a little bit to have an understanding of why these things are happening. Six practical strategies for navigating this paradox Okay, so then I want to move on to what do we do about it? So this exists. We know why it exists. • • • • The six practical strategies for navigating this paradox. • • • Number one, communicate school values clearly. • Number two, create a consistent disciplinary process. • • • Number three, offer empathy before explanation. • • • • Number four, involve parents early. Number five, be proactive about parent education. And number six, remain unwavering in fairness. • • Communicate school values clearly and often; create a consistent disciplinary process All right, so number one, communicate school values clearly. So we have to make sure, you know, we may have, • • • okay, our school has values. • • • Um, and we want to make sure that we're consistently in communicating • • • our commitment to fairness and to the social emotional growth of the students. Let me say that again. • • Of course, our values include fairness • and social emotional growth of our students. We need to be communicating that often • • because parents don't • make the connection • • in the moment when they're emotional • that the school we are. What we're doing when we're following through, whether it's following through for a consequence for their own child • or following through with the consequence for another child that they don't think is severe enough, • • then they are not, because of the emotional state that they're in, • remembering that we're being consistent • and we're being aligned with our school values. • • And so I'm not saying that it's going to fix it, but the more that parents can understand • • • that the school will respond to all incidents • based on our values • • and the more consistent that we are in that, • • then I've seen it with my own eyes. We can earn trust and we can get more support from most of the parents. Okay, there's always going to be 5%. You know, I'll link that, • • • um, episode in the show notes. The 5% of parents that are trying to destroy your school, there's always 5% that are going to be the outliers that no matter what you do, they're not going to be happy. • • • • Um, however, • • • 95% is a pretty big Number and if we can • thread the needle with this issue, • • • • then there's going to be less headaches. And let's face it, the most important thing isn't really about how many headaches we have. It's about what's best for the children. • • • And what's best for the children is for them to understand that when you do something wrong, that you're going to get a consequence. And that when someone does something wrong to you, that the school is going to try to keep you safe, but that it's also not • • the end of the world. • Um, there are terrible things that happen in our schools that children are truly victimized. But that definition has been changed by parents over the years. And there are many things that happen • • that can build resilience in the way that a child reacts to it. Okay, so the number one, the first thing we're going to do is we're going to communicate our school's values clearly and often. • • Number two, create a consistent disciplinary process. • • So this is probably the most important, and that is that when we have a clear • discipline process in the handbook and it's clearly shared with students and parents and teachers, and then we follow it with fidelity, • • we have that transparency. • • • • And it can really reduce. I'm not going to say it's going to eliminate, but it can reduce the chances • • • that will have such a subjective and such an emotional response from a parent. Okay, so I'm getting. I'm thinking about, • um, • • you know, what we have at my school and just such a clear, you know, if this, then that. And then if that continues, then this is what will happen. And it's so clearly spelled out that I just think that it is, um, important that in our schools, • • something that would align with, you know, the age of your children, the culture of your school, the demographics of the children and families in your school, all the things. There's no one size fits all when it comes to, • • um, a disciplinary process. • • • • But, you know, • if you have a clearly stated discipline procedure • • • • and you might want to have a different one for, you know, in our school, we have one for lower school, one for intermediate school, and one for middle school. • • And again, it's slightly different as far as the escalation of consequences. The escalation is a little, is more quickly in middle school than it would be in second grade, which makes sense. The kids are older, they are supposed to be more responsible. • • But whatever you land on, • • • just make sure it's clear that it's clearly communicated and that your teachers are consistently following it. Because, see, that's the other thing is when you involve humans, you can have the greatest, • • • um, discipline, the most clear discipline policy in the world. • But if the, let's say the one, the one teacher in room, you know, whatever, uh, on this, the one teacher is • • • • very, very • • consistent with the discipline procedure and very disciplined and very consistent about • • writing kids up when they do the thing and following through. • • • And then their next door neighbor one door down the hall is just like kind of anything goes in their class and they haven't written up a kid in five years. Not only does that impact morale, but it also creates a lot of inconsistencies that then you have to answer for to the parent often. So it is part of our responsibility to make sure that all of our teachers are implementing our stated discipline procedures, our policies. Okay, number three is we want to offer empathy before explanation. And I used to be pretty bad at this. I used to get defensive • • and just really lean in on like describing what the kid did. And you know, this many people saw it and she admitted to it and the teacher said this and blah, blah, blah. And it's like • • • • whether the child • • is the one who did something wrong or they're on the receiving end, we just have to lead with empathy in our conversation with parents. I'm telling you, if you lead with empathy and you acknowledge • • their feelings and you validate their concerns, • • it, it's like a, um, it's like magic, honestly. Like if instead of getting defensive, instead of, if we can just let them talk, • • • • get it out, don't interrupt, • • • then say, first of all, you know, that sounds like that's really hard for um, Juliana and da da da da da and validate their concerns • • • • and then, you know, you're acknowledging their concerns and their feelings and then you transition into explaining the policy or the procedure at your school. So offer empathy before explanation. So we're going over the six strategies for • • • navigating the paradox of parents wanting grace and revenge. • • And number one, communicate school values clearly. Number two, create a consistent disciplinary process. Number three, offer empathy before explanation. And number four, involve parents early. So this is a no brainer. I'll only spend a second on this, that we need to loop the parents in um, as early as possible and really before there's an issue. You know, we're all big proponents of making sure that the first proactive communication from teachers is positive because we know that that makes the • • • negative ones more um, of a partnership instead of more of ah, us against them. • And so, you know, that's a no brainer. We all aspire to do that with our teachers, to have that reach out, that first positive one. But regardless of that, • • • you know, if there's something that's starting to bubble up, • • • • • I'm a big believer in no surprises. Parents shouldn't be rolling into parent conferences and hearing about a discipline issue in a classroom for the first time. They shouldn't be getting a report card and seeing in a report card comment or seeing in some kind of thing that's, uh, attached to their grade that there's a behavior issue. • • • Absolutely not. They can get that for free in the public school. Okay. They have a reasonable expectation that in a private school there's going to be more and better communication because we brag about our student to teacher, uh, uh, ratio. • • Well then we need to make sure that we're communicating better than some of our, • • um, public school, um, friends who just from a scale standpoint, if they've got 30 kids in their class, they can't communicate as often as, um, • if you're in a private school and you've got 16 or 18 kids in your class. • • We want to make sure that we're making • parents feel like partners • • in addressing the misbehavior of their own child or the impact on their child from misbehavior from someone else. And I just think that involving parents early, I always tell teachers, if you're thinking about, should I, uh, shouldn't I send this email Always, the answer is yes, you should. • • • And it can reduce the likelihood of the extreme, the extreme reaction, the eruptions. • • • And so involve parents early. Number five, be proactive about parent education. • • And I can hear what you're saying. You're like, yeah, right. You know, if whenever we put on a workshop or send materials home or • • whatever, you know, the parents that need to hear it the most are the ones who either don't show up or don't read that stuff. Okay, • well, you can't do anything about whether they show up or whether they read the stuff or not. But • you can partner with your parent association. • Um, they bring, um, they can bring in a speaker. • Um, you know, there's book the Blessing of a B minus, um, and the blessing of a Skinned Knee. • Um, I'll link those in the show notes. Those are things that our parent association have, • uh, purchased and given to parents for many, many years, • • um, to just try and help them see • • again. The blessing of a B minus, the blessing of a skin knee. Most of you are probably familiar with that book. And if you're not, you know, it's just that idea of you know, there are some blessings when these, um, setbacks happen. • And I didn't mention the phrase snowplow parent, but, you know, I used to just see helicopter parents who were always hovering. But more and more, probably over the past seven, five to seven or maybe 10 years, I've seen a lot more snowplow parents. They want to just clear the path • of any obstacle for their child. And we know that that is the opposite of building resilience in their child. • • And so, you know, we can do, uh, education about growth mindset. And if growth mindset is an important part of your school, which I strongly believe that it should, I'll link that episode. I think it's episode four. • • Um, I have a lot of free resources on my website about how you can teach growth mindset at your school. • But, • • you know, again, the parent communication, parent education piece, • • and don't have it hold you back from doing it just because you're worried about who might not show up. Just think about the fact that if you're getting, um, some parents to show up, then you're building • • something with them, a partnership, and you're building their capacity, and it's going to help their child. Okay? Six practical strategies for navigating the paradox between parents and school discipline And then finally, number six is. And this is going to be the hardest one. And this is to remain unwavering • • in fairness. • Remain unwavering in fairness. • So no matter how intense the parent's demands are, no matter what they threaten, I'm going to go over your head to the board president. I'm going to pull all of my kids out of the school. I'm going to call the Channel 11 news, okay? • • • • If we know that the child did the thing • • • • • • and we are following through with a clearly stated discipline measure in a clearly stated • handbook, • • • • it doesn't matter what their last name is. It doesn't matter that their grandparents gave • however much money. As donors, • • • • • if we want to maintain our integrity with our, uh, teachers, with our families, • • • • as hard as it is, • • • when we know • • • we have to follow through, • • • • and it just builds trust with the parent body over time. • • And there will always be individual parents that struggle, uh, • • to accept that in the heat of the moment. And those heat of the moment conversations are very uncomfortable for us. • • • • • • • But I can tell you from firsthand experience • • • initially, you know, in my time, in 21 years of being ahead of school, • not always being very consistent with discipline and sometimes letting the threats get to me and have me change my behavior • to the last 12 years of being a division head • • and • • then being much more consistent right from the beginning, • • • and it just makes Such a huge difference and you earn respect even with some of the toughest parents. • • And so it's probably the hardest one, but it's probably also the most important one is to remain unwavering in fairness. So just to wrap it up, grace and revenge. The paradox behind what parents want. • • • Five reasons why this happens. Protective instincts, emotional involvement, reputational concerns, cultural influences, • • and perception of the school's role in their child's life. Those are the reasons I think that this happens. And then number six, or excuse me, six practical strategies for navigating the paradox is, number one, communicate school values clearly. Number two, create a consistent disciplinary process and procedure. • Number three, offer empathy before explanation. • • Number four, involve parents early. Five, be proactive about parent education. And number six, remain unwavering in fairness. • • And I always like to give a call to action at the end of every episode. And my call to action for you today • • is for you to review the discipline policy in your student handbook and then ask yourself the question, • • am I consistently following our policies regardless of • pressure from parents? • • • • And you might not like the answer to that question, am I consistently following our policies regardless of pressure from parents? • • • But we have to ask ourselves and check ourselves every once in a while or we're just going to keep doing what we've always done. • • • Mark Minkus: I have free resources for private school leaders about parents And so I just want again, I have free resources. At the top of the episode, I talked about one free resource about parents. I have another one for you. This one's called the seven Steps to Having a Successful Meeting with an Upset Parent. • Today's episode talked a lot about conversations that would probably be meeting with a parent that's upset. And so this is, uh, an 11 page PDF and it gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. • • And we know that every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. But I think too many private school leaders don't have a plan for when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a plan, and you can get that@theprivateschoolleader.com meeting. • The seven steps to having a successful meeting with an upset parent. Just go to the privateschoolleader.com • • meeting • • and then just a reminder that I would love to work with you one on one. • Um, coaching is all about helping you • • go, uh, from where you are to where you want to be. That's the transformation, but also it's about helping you solve the biggest problems that you're dealing with right now at school and outside of school. And so, um, check it out at the private school leader.com • coaching • • and I mentioned before, but I'll say it again. • Um, today's show notes. I gave you a lot of lists and there are some resources there. Um, the private school leader.com episode 108. • • And again, if you would rate and review the podcast wherever you listen, that helps the algorithm push it out as suggested content to private school leaders all over the world. • • And if you got value from this episode, I would love for you to please, please, please share the link with another leader in your life, another school leader in your life, or maybe an aspiring leader at your school. And I've been your host, Mark Minkus. I appreciate you so much and all of the hard work that you're doing at your school. Thank you for taking some of your precious time to join me here today and I'll see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second and make a difference.

Nov 2, 2024 • 38min

Episode 107: How to Effectively Lead Boomers, Gen X, Millennials & Gen Z

“Our research shows that, fundamentally, people want the same things, no matter what generation they represent. So the so-called generation gap in the workplace is, in large part, the result of miscommunication and misunderstanding, fueled by common insecurities and the desire for clout. Successfully leading across generations is actually pretty straightforward.” Jennifer Deal, former Senior Research Scientist, Center for Creative Leadership Fundamentally, people want the same things. Our private schools often have a wonderful mix of Gen Z, Millennials, Gen X and Boomers. While they may have their differences, they all want to feel psychologically safe, engaged, valued, respected and heard. On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to move past lazy stereotypes and learn How to Effectively Lead Boomers, Gen X, Millennials & Gen Z. Thank you for taking me along with you when you are walking the dog, driving to school or running errands. I appreciate you and what you are doing for the lucky kids and teachers at your school. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference! Mark Minkus Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget. That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible. I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1. I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide! I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week! I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations. George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode107 Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!! I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks! TRANSCRIPT: Welcome to the private school Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible • to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the private school leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So, I usually start an episode by telling you what we are going to talk about. • • But on today's episode, I'm actually going to start by telling you what we're not going to talk about. • • So, you may have noticed that the • • title for this episode is how to effectively lead boomers, Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z. • • • Well, what we are not going to talk about • • is how each group • • is, you know, like, kind of the negative stereotypes and perpetuate the stereotypes of each group about, oh, well, you know, boomers, they, this, that, and the other thing. Or millennials, they're this way and this way and this way. • • • We are not going to • • • perpetuate the negative stereotypes about any of these groups. And I'm going to explain why. • • So I'm going to prove it to you here in a moment, • • • and I want you to just think about two different people. • • Both of these people are teachers at your school, and I'm going to describe them for you. Okay, • so, Bridget is 44 years old. She's a black woman, mom of three, married for 19 years. • She's a big extrovert. Bridget, um, • • does not own a television. She works out every day. Um, she loves to go out dancing with her husband and with friends. • • And she's actually pretty obsessed with playing golf whenever she gets the chance. And Bridget teaches kindergarten at your school. • And so at 44 years old, Bridget is part of Gen X. • • • • • And I want to tell you about Andrew. So, Andrew's 45 years old. He's a white male. He's never been married, no kids, • • and he's a big introvert. Andrew is obsessed with reality tv, whether it's the bachelor or survivor or love is blind. He's a big homebody. Um, he's pretty obsessed. Obsessed with the civil war. And Andrew loves doing, uh, civil war reenactments. And he teaches high school history at your school. And at 45 years old, Andrew is also Gen Xendez. So Bridget and Andrew, they don't have very much in common. • • I talked to you about introvert, extrovert, married, not married. Their interests, homebody versus going out dancing. You know, like, they're pretty different. • • And I would venture to say that they have less in common • • • with each other • • and perhaps more in common • • with some millennials at your school. Pam probably has more in common with some millennial teachers at your school, and Andrew may have a lot more in common with several Gen Z teachers. • • • And so the point that I'm trying to make is • • that I think that the negative stereotypes about the different generations • • • have caused us to maybe accept that, well, it just is what it is, and this is hard, and there's no way to make it better. They're just different. • • Well, we're not going to accept that. And what we're going to do on today's episode is focus on how to effectively lead boomers, Gen X, millennials, and Gen Z. Today's episode is all about generational, • • • uh, leaders leading across generations. And • • we're going to get to the bottom of this. Seven Secrets to improving teacher morale free for you on thrive academy And so, um, before we get started, though, you know, we're talking about teachers today. We're talking about how to help them work together, uh, more effectively to have • a, ah, better school. • And teacher morale is a big part of that. • • And so I'm excited to share with you a new resource. I want to give this to you for free, just to, uh, say thank you for listening to the podcast. And this is called Seven Secrets to improving teacher morale. And this is a guide for you. You may be thinking, you know, • • we talk about it a lot, how do I improve the morale at my school? Well, now you know where to start. And so you can grab this@theprivateschoolleader.com. morale. And again, that's the seven secrets to improving teacher morale free for you. Over@theprivateschoolleader.com. • • morale. I hope you'll grab that today. • • • And I'm going to tell you something that you already know, and that is, is that being a private school teacher is a very, very difficult job. • • You have to make hundreds of decisions every day. You have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, • • • motivate your teachers, deal with student discipline, • • beat • • last year's test scores, and, oh, by the way, you need to come in under budget, • • • and that can lead to you feeling tired and discouraged and stressed out and maybe a little bit overwhelmed. And I understand. I've been there. • • And at the beginning of every episode, I say that I believe that it's possible • for you to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. • • And so I want to ask you a question. • • • Is that how you're feeling right now? Are you feeling happy and fulfilled and that you want to do this for a long time. • • • • • • Well, if not, then I have something that I think can change that for you, and that's thrive academy. • • And it is a step by step. • • I can just step by step, I can guide you through this transformation • in this online video course that also has live office hours. And we can go through this transformation • • step by step, strategy by strategy, and get you to that point where you are happy and fulfilled and you feel like you want to do this for a long time. So check out more about thrive academy at, uh, theprivateskillader.com • thrive. • • There is a generation gap in the workplace, it does exist All right, so • • the center for Creative Leadership • has done some research on • this generational • • • • leadership aspect of our jobs. • • And their research shows that fundamentally, people want the same things no matter what generation they represent. • • Okay? People want the same things no matter what generation they represent. And this so called generation gap in the workplace, it does exist. • • • But in large part, I believe that it's • partly because of miscommunication and misunderstanding, and then it's fueled by stereotypes and insecurities and maybe a desire for • • • • position and status from people who have been doing something for a long time. So there's a lot of complexity to this as far as the why behind it. But I also believe that if we can look past that, we can see that we have a lot of things in common, and a lot of our employees, regardless of age, want the same things. • • And I actually believe that leading across generations is actually pretty straightforward. • • And so that might not resonate with you, but hopefully I can convince you of that before the end of the episode. And so I would just ask you to kind of let go of some of your assumptions • • about the challenges of this multigenerational workforce that we have • • • • and just kind of lean in and have an open mind to what we're going to talk about today. The focus of this episode is to help you see generational differences as strengths All right? And the focus of the episode is also going to be to help you see generational differences as strengths and not as obstacles. • • • So I told you before, I'm not going to bash any of the generations, and I'm not. I'm not going to perpetuate those stereotypes. But I am going to take a moment before we jump into • • the six keys to effectively lead across multiple generations. Before I jump into that list, I am going to take a moment • and tell you why each of these generations is so awesome and what they bring to the table, what they bring to school every single day. • • • • • Boomers bring experience. • • They have a deep understanding of your school's history. If they've been there for a long time. They have been in education for a long time, most of them. They have a commitment to traditional values, and they can mentor the younger generation • • and provide stability when things are changing and things are always changing in our schools. • • And Gen X teachers are pretty pragmatic. • • Um, they are the ones who often bridge the gap between • the boomers and the millennials, between the older generation and the younger generation. And they do some amazing work in our schools to help • • connect their connectors. • • Um, Gen X teachers are versatile and adaptable and • having that experience that has, um, • • been where they've come up through and lived in a world where there wasn't • • a proliferation of technology, and now there is, • • they actually are, you know, that is pretty adaptable when it comes to technology and educational trends because they've kind of seen • that from, um, where it was to where it is now. • • • • • And millennials, they just offer a fresh perspective, and they're typically highly collaborative, and they are pretty eager to embrace using technology in the classroom. • • And • they really, many of them, thrive in environments that encourage innovation, and they're much more likely to experiment with new teaching methods and to be open to that. • • And then finally, Gen Z teachers, • • um, • they're digital natives, • • • typically. They're pretty tech savvy. • • Um, they can help modernize the approach at our school when it comes to technology • • innovation, • • • • bringing technology into our lessons. • • And they bring diversity and thought to our schools • and can honestly help push us to embrace • • • • • prioritizing, mental health and, um, inclusion and other priorities that may be previous generations. • • They weren't priorities for them. • • So these four different groups of people bring amazing strengths to our schools. • And again, most want the same thing. • And so I think that what we need is a nuanced approach • to the generational differences • • so that we can lead effectively • all of these different people in our schools. • • So I'm going to give you the six keys to effectively lead across multiple generations. So, here they are. Number one, learn from each other. Number two, have a culture of respect. • • • Number three, recognize shared values. Number four, • • adapt communication style. • • Number five, focus on well being and flexibility. • • • And number six, be intentional about technology. • • • • So we're going to just take them one by one, and, um, just try to give you a little bit of, uh, advice as far as what this could look like in your school. • • And again, we want to view this today, this topic, through the lens of what's possible. • • We want to view this through the lens of shedding stereotypes about what makes us different. • And we also want to view this through the lens of what's best for the kids, what's best for our school, what's best for the future, what makes our school strong, what makes our school, • um, that it's going to be built to last. And so hopefully you've captured that vision as far as how we're going to view this topic. So emphasize that our differences in age are a huge strength in our schools So let's get into it. Number one, so we're going to learn from each other. • • So • • • emphasize that our differences in age are a huge strength in our schools. • • • We want to do that as leaders, it's our responsibility, • • • whether you're the head of school or you're a division head, that in your school or in your division, that you're going to see • • that a difference in age • • • • is a, uh, strength • • and just really lean into that. Don't see it as a weakness, see it as a strength. See it as an opportunity. Is it going to be a challenge? Sure. But if you had all one generation in your division or every teacher in your school was from one generation, • • that would actually be a weakness. • • And so we're going to lean into this and then as leaders, • this learning from each other, because, you know, you might have different generations that don't think that they have anything to learn from someone that's younger than them. Okay. But we want to tie it to the kids, what is best for the kids. We're going to constantly shift the focus from • each other and how we're different. And this generation, that generation, what have you, • • and we're going to shift the focus to • • • tying it to the kids, what's best for the kids. And also shift the focus from m, how we're different to how we're the same. And I'll get to that in a minute when we talk about values. • • But let's look at the older workers, you know, the, uh, millennium, excuse me, the, um, boomers and the older, um, • • Gen X. • • • • These folks, you know, they have significant experience • • • • • that they can share with younger team members. And younger team members often appreciate it when that wisdom is shared, but it really depends on how it is shared. • So what I mean is if, • • um, • a person that's a Boomer in Gen X that has more experience than someone who's a millennial or Gen Z is sharing it, and it's like, well, you have to do it this way because this is the way we've always done it. And that kind of a way, and kind of in a condescending, • you should know better kind of way, well, that's not going to work. And so, • • you know, we're going to already mentioned when I listed the, um, six keys. One of them was a culture of respect and the communication. So that's key, and we'll get to that in a moment. But the experience. Generally, • • • older workers like to, • um, share their experience, • • • and younger team members are appreciative of that wisdom when it is shared, • • as long as it's shared in a respectful way. Okay. • • Um, • • • • • we can develop mentorships across generation. • • • I meant asking, • um, older, um, more experienced teacher. They're not always. • • There's a difference between old and older. I think that age has really just become a number. And so I'm not going to try to • • be careful about not saying older, younger, whatever. We're talking about generations. Okay. So some of that language is going to pop up. • • Um, I just really think that age is a number. And, um, so we're talking about mentorships from • • more experienced teachers towards less experienced teachers. Okay. And so • • when a • • more, um, experienced teacher is asked to be a mentor • • that acknowledges their expertise, • • um, it's a little bit of a, um, • • • boost to their ego. • Um, • • it can be a way for them to build rapport in those one on one or small group opportunities. • And, • • you know, you have to choose carefully as far as who you're going to match up that mentor, um, with. And, you know, I think that sometimes we need to get out of the box of thinking, well, if we have a history teacher that is more experienced and then we have a new history teacher that's less experienced, well, then we're going to join those two up, you know, but maybe their personalities are very different. And I think it's more important to give some thought to • • how these two people are going to vibe • • • and it has less to do about. I think that the trap we fall into is that it's about content, • • when really it's about teaching practice and it's about how to be successful in this school and how to work with parents. And, you know, I just believe that more experienced teachers can successfully mentor younger and less experienced teachers, • • um, regardless of whether or not they're mentoring someone that's in their content area. So that's just my opinion, but it's something for you to think about. And then mixed generation teams are going to be picked by the division head or by you as the head of school. • And, you know, if you just constantly let. It's like the kids, if we let them pick groups, they're always going to pick to be in the group with their best friends and they're not really going to branch out. And same with teachers, when it comes to committees or faculty meetings or, • um, retreats or teacher in service or professional development, • • when, you know, teams need to be picked. Yeah, of course, sometimes you'll let them do it, but you can be more, • uh, intentional and make sure that there's a wide range of • age and experience and generations represented presented on those teams. • • • There's a stereotype that younger workers should be exempt from boring work And one last thing, and I found this interesting when I was researching for this episode, and that is, there's a stereotype out there • • that younger workers think that they should be exempt from boring work • • and that there's. And then older members, more experienced team members sometimes think that, well, they have to pay their dues. And earlier in my career, you know, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, you know, the old • thing about, you know, walking, • • um, uphill, 5 miles barefoot in the snow to school, you know, uphill both ways. • Um, so, again, broad brush stereotypes. Here's the thing. Sometimes, um, younger workers, um, they're just more efficient at doing • work that's quote unquote boring, you know, manual, • • um, • • • m work, um, that is administrative, or that are administrative tasks with AI and with apps and, um, • • um, time management programs and things like that. There is so much out there now that, um, really reduces the amount of tedious, boring work. • And so, again, that's just one example that I wanted to give you to kind of shift your thinking is that maybe sometimes the reason that older generations • • perceive that younger generations want to get out of boring work or not pay their dues • is actually because the younger generation, the digital natives, have ways of getting that boring work done way faster by the use of technology. So, hopefully, you can kind of see the nuance there. But we want to break down those barriers. We want to eliminate those silos, and we want to get to see, • • uh, people, to see each other and see how they are. • • Um, • • • • that would be something that would be worthy of respect from an older, um, employee or a more experienced worker if they • • don't have to understand what the app or the program is doing, but that maybe they have respect for that person, it's like, hey, that's pretty cool that you figured that out. So, again, it's just one quick example of a way to kind of reframe that thinking. Leaders have a responsibility to cultivate a school culture that respects every generation All right, we're on to number two, which is to develop a culture of respect. • • So, I think that this is probably the most important • key on this list. • • And again, I've said it now three times. I think that it's not just what I think. There's research to support this. And from the center for Creative, um, leadership, that • • we all pretty much want the same thing out of our organization and out of our leaders. • • • And it's our responsibility to cultivate a culture of respect, • • • • but • • • different generations just define it a little differently as far as what a culture of respect might look like. Okay? And so it's our responsibility as the leaders to cultivate a school culture that respects and values every generation. • • Okay? That's the key. • • • • Just like we are, you know, sometimes we get focused on • • • making sure that everyone is feeling included, whether it's diversity in sexual orientation or, • um, race or religious, um, affiliation, or • • whatever the case might be, where some of the focus of Deib has been, • um, • • more, uh, in recent years. And that's important because those groups have been underrepresented for • • a long, long, long time. • • But I would just say that isn't it a value of our school that we want to treat every person with respect? • • And those generational differences and those drawing of lines and those stereotypes that are believed just causes division instead of unity, and that's not what we want. So we want to make sure that our efforts reflect inclusivity across all age groups and that we're having respectful communication, and that includes body language. Okay, so these might be meeting norms, or these might be things that you don't just let it slide when I. Someone's rolling their eyes and crossing their arms and • • kind of making that face when a younger, um, generation is sharing something, • • um, in all faculty meeting. And I'm not saying you necessarily need to call that person out right then, but to have that conversation later, that is not respectful communication. Remember that • about 90% of what we communicate is not through the words that we say. And so respectful communication includes body language. Some of these norms could be to be curious a little longer to use I statements instead of you statements, to be kind. • • Um, and so we want respectful communication, and then we also want to just have a recognition and an appreciation for • • what each generation brings, those different experiences and perspectives and work styles. And instead of that dividing us, it's our job as the leader to find the ways that, that can unite us. A lot of it has to do with curiosity and respect. • • If we don't have curiosity about someone that's different than us and we don't have respect for that human, we're not going to learn or move in the direction of that person. Okay? That's our job as the leader to make that happen in our schools. • • And so • • • • we can create a culture of understanding instead of frustration and alienation. • • • • And so I think that it's also really, really important, and I touched on this before, • • is that older generations • • show • value • towards the perspectives of • younger team members, especially around issues of, um, equity, diversity, and inclusion. And that's not to say that there aren't people in older generations that need to • feel, um, • • • um, safe, psychologically safe. We all need to feel psychologically safe. • • Um, but that is something that may be, again, with, uh, an older generation, that's unfamiliar territory for them. And again, that's why the curiosity and the respect is so important. • • We can learn and we can grow, and it's our responsibility as the leaders to make sure that's happening on our campuses. • • Most people from different generations actually have very similar values, research shows Okay, that brings us to number three, and I'm really excited to share this one. Um, shared values is number three. And again, going back to that research from the center for Creative Leadership, which I'll link in the show notes@theprivateschoolleader.com episode 107. • • And it talks about how • • • most people from different generations actually have very similar values. • And in their research, the word family was the value chosen most frequently by people of all generations. • • • And then there are others, and I'm going to list them here quickly. Some of these values, they were widely shared regardless of the generation. Integrity, achievement, love, competence, happiness, self respect, wisdom, balance, and responsibility. • • Those values were widely shared among all generations in the research. • • And so we need to make • • • the values of our organization clear, • • but we also need to remind all of our teachers • • that most of them share the same values. Again, we're uniters, we're builders as leaders, and we need to make sure that the teachers are, uh, seeing each other for the things that they have in common instead of taking a step back from each other because of the things they perceive to be different about each other. • • And so we're going to communicate the vision and mission of our school often and in an inspirational way. And we're also going to set the example as the leader with that curiosity and that respect. • • • • And so, • • is that going to be easy? No, of course. Nothing. But • • one of the ways that people bond, you know, I'll give you an example. Let's say you're on vacation, okay? And • • • • • you're on vacation in Florida, and you're a, uh, Minnesota Vikings fan. You know, you're from Minnesota, and you're there, and you're at the airport or you're at a resort or you're at the beach or whatever, and you see, um, someone walking along, and they've got a Minnesota Vikings jersey on. Immediately there's a connection because you share something, you're both fans of the Minnesota Vikings and there's an instant connection and probably an instant conversation. • • Well, shared values can have the same impact • • when it comes to our teachers of different generations in our schools. • • • Six keys to effectively lead across multiple generations are discussed in this podcast All right, so we're talking about the six keys to effectively lead across multiple generations. • Number one, learn from each other. Number two, develop a culture of respect. • Number three, emphasize shared values. And number four, • • • • • um, adjust communication style. Okay, so we need to recognize that there are some different preferences here. • Um, the older generations, boomers and maybe older, um, Gen X, they may value face to face communication because • • they • • • • know a world that was before, • • um, you know, texting and • • email. While on the other hand, a millennial or a Gen Z might prefer quick updates via, uh, an instant message or a text or an email. • • And just acknowledging these preferences can allow you to tailor your communication style to make it effective. And you're like, well, I can't just • • have me, I can't have meetings with • • everyone just because they're above a certain age. No, you're right. Um, but I think if it's a big, um, if it's a big decision, • • um, and I'm going to talk about communicating about change in just a moment. • • • • • If it's a big decision, you know, make sure that you're doing it face to face with everybody and then following up with an email. Because let's face it, we've all been there where we have a meeting, especially if we're communicating something that might be stressful for them to hear, you know, it's a change. • • Um, then you're gonna, if you don't follow up with an email to say, you know, we discussed this, this and this, • • • then there's gonna be people like, well, you never said that. Or, well, I didn't hear that. Or the person that's out sick that day or whatever. So I'm a big believer in, you know, the higher stakes. And it doesn't have to be high, high stakes. I mean, there should be someone taking notes in the middle school team meeting, in the third grade team meeting, in the, • um, • • • • • intermediate school team meeting, in the specialists meeting, • • • and then that Google Doc should be reshared • • • with the people that are on that email group in your school so that they stay in the know. • • • And for example, the third grade team meeting, let's say it's two third grade teachers and a couple support teachers and the head of lower school. And that happens once a week or once a cycle. • • • You know, the minutes from that. It's like, well, why would that need to be shared out? Well, the specialist, the art teacher, music teacher, PE teacher, • um, technology teacher, librarian, they need to know about what's going on with this third grader that's having some challenging behaviors. And so my point is, is that where we get frustrated, where teachers get frustrated is when they don't know. • And that's our responsibility, is to make sure that clear communication is happening, and there are ways to do that that then just become the system. And you don't have to do everything. You don't have to be the one that's taking the notes in that meeting, the minutes. • • You can ask a teacher to do that and then ask that teacher to just share it out with the people on that email group. So I know I'm kind of beating that drum there or beating that dead horse, but it's so important, and it's a small thing, but it can have really negative impacts when people feel like they're being left out of important communications. • There is a stereotype that older people hate change and younger generations thrive on change And speaking of important communications, for just a moment, I want to talk about, uh, • • communicating about change. • • • So there again is a stereotype that older people hate change and that younger generations thrive on change. And that's actually not accurate at all because • • most research shows that people from all generations are uncomfortable with change • • • and that a lot of people can experience change fatigue, because at the rate that the world is going these days, there's a lot of change. And that happens in our schools as well. We're not immune to that. And so the big key here is to not just assume things • • that, well, we have to over communicate with the boomers. But, you know, the gen z, they're fine. They thrive on change. That's not true. Most people, • all generations are uncomfortable with change. And so my point is that we need to just clearly, clearly, clearly communicate, and probably more than once, maybe more than twice when it comes to things that are going to change. • • • Number five on our list of the six keys to effectively leading across generations is well being That brings us to number five on our list of the six keys to effectively leading across generations. And number five is well being and flexibility. • • • So, with well being, • • • I want you to think about • • • how you, um, want to keep your organization, um, • • • • • • um, your school competitive in retaining your teachers. Right? We want to hang on to our teachers, so we're going to embrace the best practice when it comes to supporting employee well being. And so I'm talking about focusing on health and nutrition and exercise and mental health and overall wellness and mindfulness, • • you know? And you're like, well, how do I focus on that? Okay, well, I don't even have a school nurse or we barely have time to do XYZ. Alright, well, • • there can be links in the daily memo, there can be, um, a guest speaker that comes in to a faculty meeting from time to time. You can have a step challenge. Um, we had, in the past, I've had step challenge at my school. People form teams. Someone years ago took like a kid's shoe out of the lost and found, probably, and spray painted it with gold paint and put it on, made this ugly little trophy. But people love that trophy because they won the step challenge. • Um, just access to healthy behaviors, maybe through the, • • um, • • • • • hospitalization that your school provides, um, just to try and be creative when it comes to well being. • And then, • • um, with regards to flexibility, you know, I think that there's also a stereotype out there that, you know, younger people • • • • want all kinds of, um, flexibility and that older generations are just like, put your head down and just, you know, you just go to work and never take a sick day and that kind of thing. Okay, well, here's the reality of the situation. Whether you're raising a family, a young, young, uh, kids, whether you're preparing for retirement, • • • maybe you have an elderly parent that is living with you or is in and out of the hospital, • • • um, maybe you're just pursuing some personal interests, or maybe • • • • you have, um, something going on and people have, everyone has something going on that requires some flexibility. And so, no, I'm not saying that we just need to throw the employee handbook and PTO and standards and expectations out the window, but if we can be flexible, • • it is one of the number one things that • teachers and employees from all generations • • appreciate. And it actually keeps them coming back year after year. • • • • It's well being. It's an emphasis on well being. And it's flexible flexibility. • • • And so just food for thought that that isn't generational, it is for all people. • • The boomer generation and the gen x are slower to adapt to technology And then that brings us to number six. • • • And just be intentional about technology. • • • • This, um, is one where • • • I do think there are perceptions and stereotypes out there, and then there are things that are facts. And I just think that it's a fact that, um, • • the boomer generation and the gen x, • • um, • • they are slower to adapt to technology • • than someone that was a digital native. I think that's just a fact and there are a few exceptions to that. But • • there's an opportunity there for, um, the more digital natives to help those who are a little less, um, familiar or a little more resistant to technology. • • We have to make sure that patience is, • • um, present and that when we're introducing new technology or a new teaching method that involves technology or a new expectation • • that we have to be really comprehensive in our training. And we just have to be patient and then create a supportive system where it's okay to ask for help. People still feel dumb asking for help. And • when it comes to technology in particular, • • • um, of all the things we've talked about today, this is the one that's probably the most valid as far as there being differences among the different generations. • • So our big takeaways from today's episode is that we want to lean into different generations in our school as a strengthen. We want to focus on the things that • • • we value, especially core values that are the same. • • We want to take a nuanced approach to generational differences. We don't want to focus on only those negative stereotypes and just accept them, because accepting those stereotypes is an excuse to not work hard to bring everybody together. • And then we're going to use these six keys to effectively lead across multiple generations. Number one, learn from each other. Number two, develop a culture of respect. Number three, • • uh, acknowledge shared values. Number four, adapt communication style. Number five, focus on well being and technology. And number six, be intentional about introducing new technology. • • • And your call to action. • Mark Minkus: Download the seven Secrets to improving teacher morale Um, I mentioned at the top of the episode the seven Secrets to improving teacher morale. • • Um, your call to action is to download that@theprivateschoolier.com morale. And then also is to download the six things that every private school teacher wants from their leader • • at • • theprivateschoolleader um.com guide. And I'll talk about that in just a second. But I want you to remember, • • • • why am I asking you to download improving teacher morale. And the six things that every private school teacher wants from their leader? Because for the most part, good leadership • • is what every generation loves. Teachers of every age thrive under good leadership. • • And you can be that leader for your school. • • And the six things that every private school teacher wants from their leader. • It's just a, uh, six page PDF, but I think it can be a game changer for you. And if you do these six things, I am confident the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you anywhere. And you can grab that free guide at theprivateschool leader.com slash guide. • So I'm so happy that you took time out of your busy schedule to be here today. I know that you are very, very busy. And if you got value from this episode, please just send the link to another leader or an aspiring leader at your school. • And I've been your host, Mark Minkus. I appreciate you so much and all the hard work that you're doing at your school. And I'll see you next time right here on the private school leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.

Oct 26, 2024 • 31min

Episode 106: How To Avoid "Amygdala Hijack" In High Stress Situations

We have all been there. We’ve all had moments where stress seems to take over and we react in ways we regret later. It might be raising your voice at a teacher or student. It might be overreacting during an argument with a loved one. Later, we usually have regrets and we ask ourselves, “WHY DID I DO THAT?” This is often due to something called an amygdala hijack, a term coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence. We have stressful jobs. The stakes are high. So many people are watching us and we are setting the example for what great leadership looks like. We cannot afford to let our amygdala hijack our brain and then just “hope for the best”. On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to talk about How To Avoid "Amygdala Hijack" In High Stress Situations. I would LOVE to hear from you! Please just reply to this email and tell me the number one strategy that you have learned listening to the podcast and your number one pain point so far this year. Thanks for listening and I can’t wait to hear from you! I know that you are super busy, so be sure to listen while you are doing something else. I hope that you will get value from this episode as you serve and lead your school community. Thank you for taking some time out of your day to listen to the podcast! Thanks for making a difference, Mark Minkus Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget. That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible. I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1. I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide! I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week! I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations. George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode105 Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!! I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks! TRANSCRIPT: Welcome to the private school Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the private school leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So, we've all been there, • • • • and • • we have all had moments • • where stress seems to just take over, • • and we just react in ways that we regret later. • • • And you might be thinking of a situation right now, and it might be that you raised your voice at a teacher • • or at a student or a board member in a meeting. • • • It might be that you or I overreacted during a conversation, argument with someone that we care about. • • • And then later, we usually have regrets, and we're like, why did I do that? • • Well, • • • the answer is very often • • due to something called • • amygdala hijack. • • And that's a term coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his excellent book emotional intelligence. • • • And so we have stressful jobs as private school leaders. The stakes are high, • • and we can't afford to let our, uh, amygdalas hijack our brains and then just hope for the best and hope we can apologize later. • • • • And so on today's episode of the private school Leader podcast, we are going to talk about how to avoid amygdala hijack in high stress situations. • • • I've created a free resource on improving teacher morale for you And before we jump into that, I just want to tell you about a new and free resource that I've created for you. I'm pretty excited about it. It's called the seven secrets to improving teacher morale. • And I talk to a lot of leaders. Um, I coach a lot of leaders, and teacher morale is a big challenge at a lot of our schools. And • • I think you need a plan, and this is a plan for you, a step by step guide that you can grab it. It's free@theprivateschoolleader.com. morale. It's called the seven secrets to improving teacher morale. It's a starting point. It's going to be hard work, but it will work, and I hope that you will get that, and I hope that you, • um, will use it. Seven secrets to improving teacher morale over theprivateschoolleader. com And again, just a free gift saying, thank you for listening to the podcast seven secrets to improving teacher morale over@theprivateschooler.com • • morale. • • And then, • • you know, I just want to remind you that • • • I can help you, um, solve a problem. • • And it might be through thrive academy, the online course that you can find over@theprivateschoolleader.com thrive. • • And that course can m change the way that you lead. It can help you go from being in survival mode to thriving • • and to do that asynchronous work at a time that works for you. But also we have office hours where we have other leaders from all over • north, um, • America showing up, supporting each other, rooting each other on. • • And so theprivateschoolleader.com thrive is where you can find out more about that. And I can also help you • • solve your biggest problem at the school, or at least I can try to help you. I want to hear more about it. • • Um, I have one coaching spot open, • • and, um, that will probably be gone, um, soon, • • but I'd love for it to be you. So • • you can check more, check out more information about working with me one on one over at theprivateschool leader.com • • • • coaching. • • • Four steps to avoid amygdala hijack in high stress situations So let's talk amygdala hijack. And then I want to give you the four steps to avoiding amygdala hijack in high stress situations. • Let me hit you with those four. And then we'll define it, and then we'll get break down each one. So number one is pause. • Number two is embrace the space. • • Number three is respond, don't react. And number four is regulate your autonomic nervous system. So we're going to pause, embrace, respond, and regulate. • • • Private school leaders often get their amygdala hijacked when faced with potential danger So what is amygdala hijack? I know that a lot of you know what this is, • • but I think it's super important to pause and view this through the lens of what you deal with every single day as a private school leader. • • • And you know that the amygdala is part of your brain that's responsible for processing emotions, • • but especially those emotions that are related to fear • • and threats and survival. • • • And let's face it, our brains • • are really, really good at automatically trying to protect us from danger. • • • I remember one time I was on a senior retreat • and, um, a couple other teachers with me, one of them was, um, one of our, um, • • um, gym teachers. • And she's up there and we're on this high ropes course, • • • • • and, um, moving through the high ropes course, • • • and she went to take a step • • • and her brain • sent a message to her legs, and her legs turned into stone. • • Her legs couldn't have moved no matter what she did, because the brain was saying, there's no way you're stepping out on that telephone pole that's 40ft in the air. • • Our brains • • protect us from danger. • • And so the amygdala is your brain's alarm system. • • And if you're faced with a threat or a perceived threat, then we know the amygdala takes over, and it throws you right into fight or flight. And sometimes people call it fight, flight, or freeze. • • • Sometimes we freeze. • • • But • • your brain and your body is flooded with cortisol. • • • And there's some good things about fight or flight because, you know, your heart rate goes up and it pushes blood to the extremities. And I, um. Your vision actually narrows, and your body becomes this hyper, • • • um, • • optimized • • • • • • • • • vehicle, um, • • • for fleeing danger. • • • • • But the problem is • • • • that • we're not being chased by a bear when we're at our school, • • • • • • • and we just keep running, • • and the cortisol just keeps flowing, • • • • and we can't get away from the bear. • • • And so your brain • • gets hijacked by the amygdala • that is sensing danger • • • • but is looking around your office and doesn't really see the bear, doesn't see the lion. • • • • And, you know, this is something that, um, you know, happens a lot, • where we • • get our amygdala hijacked. And that works great if you're out in the woods and an animal's chasing you, but it's not so great • • • when you're at work, in a boardroom meeting, in a meeting in our office with a parent, or having a conflict at home with your partner or spouse, • • • • and an amygdala hijack your rational brain, the prefrontal cortex completely bypassed. We're acting on emotion and not reason when our brains are hijacked by the amygdala. And then we are impulsive and we yell or we say things that we don't mean, or we make decisions that are not in the best interest of ourselves or our school. • • And hopefully, it doesn't happen very often. But I'll tell you what. I'm, um, worried that it's happening more and more often to more and more private school leaders because we're under more and more stress, • • more and more demands. When you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description, and I just wonder where all that cortisol is supposed to go. • • • • • • And so the good news is that if you follow these four steps, • • you can reduce the amount • • and the • intensity • • of amygdala. Ah. • • Hijack. Step one is to pause when you're upset or stressed So, let's get into it. Step one is pause. • • • • • • • So, this sounds simple, but in the heat of the moment, pausing is so hard to do because we want to just react. • • • • • But pausing gives your brain a chance to catch up • • • and maybe switch gears. • • • And then when you feel that stress rising. • • • And it could be. • • • • • It could be like a wave. You know, sometimes it feels like a wave of anger. • • • There's a lot to be angry about. You know, it might be righteous indignation. • • • • There's. It, uh, could be a wave of anxiety. • • • • • • • • There's, uh, a lot of things to worry about in our schools, • • but we need to take a moment to pause before you say anything or before you do anything. And I realize that's so easy to say and so hard to do, but the pause • • • is so important. • • • • And so the reason that the pause is so important • • • • • • • is because when we pause, • • • we can actually stop the amygdala from completely hijacking the way that we respond to a situation. • • • • • • And that pause can help us • • • shift from an emotional reaction to a more • • measured, • • rational, thoughtful • • response. • • • • You know, • • • • I was born in the late sixties. I grew up in the, you know, the seventies and the eighties. And • • • • • • I think that people my age, or maybe even a little younger than me, • • just your mom or your dad always just, you know, said, count to ten. You know, count to ten. • I have a twin sister and we were always • • fighting about something and, you know, count to ten. • • • Well, • • • • • • • • what was mom or dad? My mom or dad, your parent guardian. Your mom or dad, what were they trying to get you to do? They're trying to get you to pause. • • • And so what it does is that it creates a little bit of space. And we're going to talk about that space in just a moment, but it creates a space between the trigger and your next move, • • • • • between stimulus and response. And again, that's what we're going to talk about in step two. So just one last thing • • • • • • • • I mentioned when I was born, • • • I know all about VCR's, • • • I know all about the pause button, I know what be kind rewind means. • • • Um, but, you know, even on Netflix, on Amazon, whatever you're watching, • • • there's a pause button. • • • • • And, you know, it might be there's a knock at the door or the dogs are barking or the kids need something or whatever. You're watching a movie and you just pause it, right? • • • Everyone knows what pause is on the movie. • • • • • But why don't we ever try to reach for that pause button in life? • • • Well, I think it's because • • • • when we're typically sitting on a couch in our comfortable clothes watching a movie, we're nothing. You know, having our body completely flooded with cortisol, • • that makes our judgment poor. • • • But again, if you can think about just the pause button • • when you're hit with something that's super stressful, • • just pause. • • • And just a quick example or two of that is a teacher comes at you and they're all fired up and they present you a problem and they want an answer, and they want it now. You know, that could be a parent or a teacher. • • • And again, • • to pause. • • And instead of just reacting and giving an answer right then or making a promise or • • saying something that you'll later regret, • • • • • • how about we say, you know what? I need to think about that, and I'll get back to you with an answer by the end of the day. • • • • • Sometimes that's hard, isn't it? • • Because we're known for solving problems. We're known for our efficiency. We're known for being quick with our solving of problems. We talked about that on last week's episode. • • • • • But I feel strongly, and I know you do, too, it's just a matter of whether we can actually do it, is that we should never • • respond • • • and make that promise when we're • upset. • • • • And I hope that you all agree with this next statement. And is that is never • immediately respond to an email or a text when you are upset. I • when you're in that moment, when you're just • • angry, you're upset. There are so many things that can trigger us in our jobs. There are so many times that a teacher can be frustrating. It's like, I, uh, told you seven times, and now you're still doing the thing, or the student, or especially the parent. And it's like, seriously? • • I did this. I did that. I did 17 things for this parent, and now they're still ungrateful, unhappy, and complaining about this thing. Now, it's so easy to fire off that response, and we almost always regret it. So we need to pause. • • • Viktor Frankl says between stimulus and response, there is a space All right, number two step number two is embrace the space. • • There's a famous quote by Viktor Frankl. It's one of my favorite quotes. • He's a Holocaust survivor and a psychiatrist. He's the author of the book man's Search for meaning. • He was a. • • • He was a prisoner at the • • terrible, um, • • Auschwitz concentration camp. • • • And Viktor Frankl, in his book, man's search for meaning, said, • • • between stimulus and response, there is a space. • And in that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our freedom. • • • • • • • Now, m, I want you to think about • • • a mandev that's in a concentration camp, • • • • • and the Nazis are controlling • everything in his life. They killed his family. • • • • They were starving him. • They were putting him through • • extreme conditions as far as temperature • • • and frostbite • and • hard labor, • • • • • and the way that he survived • • • • • the Holocaust. • • • • • • • He sums up by saying, between stimulus and response, there is a space. • • In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. The ability to choose equals freedom. • • • • • And so what we're striving for here today with this amygdala hijack is • • a little bit of choice, a little bit of control in the midst of that • • • • • emotional, um, • • • • wave after wave that is trying to control our behavior. And so • • we want to embrace the space. • • • So we talked about pausing, • • • and now we're embracing the space. And • • • • • • that space that Viktor Frankl refers to is just what allows us to act with intention • • rather than a reflex. • • • • • We can act with intention instead of with a, uh, reflex. • • And so once you've paused, • • you can now embrace the space • • and reflect, even if it's just for a second, what is actually happening here? How am I feeling? What is the best way to respond? And I know that that space might be a second, it might be a second and a half. • • • • But if we can pause and we can embrace that space, and we can embrace the power • • that is in that space, • • it's our power • • to choose our response. That's what Viktor Frankl said. In that space is our power to choose our response. I think that amygdala hijack usually takes our power away. • • • • We got to get that power back. How do we get the power to choose? • • • It's the pause, and then it's embracing the space. And in that space, you're not a victim of your emotions. Your emotions are not in control. They're no longer driving the bus. • You want your emotions to be a passenger on the bus, but you want to be the one with the steering wheel in your hands, in your control, • • • and that cortisol that's flooding your body, it takes away our clarity. • • • And we need clarity before we respond. In our jobs as private school leaders, don't we? • • We need clarity. • • • • Just remember that ability to choose equals freedom. • And so, again, a quick example is a parent says something that offends you. I've had that happen. You've had that happen. • And instead of reacting instantly, • • • • we just take that pause, and we embrace that space. • • And in the span of a few seconds, we just say to ourselves, is this really worth getting upset over? • • • • • Consider the source, because that parent's going to say something to offend you two weeks from now, right? • • • • • • • • What outcome do I want from this interaction? What is best for this person's child? That's the big one that works for me, is that when I want to react when I want to say something, • I think about that person's kid. • • • That kid didn't choose their parents. • • • • And sometimes, • • • • I mean, we've got some really tough parents, right? Some. That 5%, I'll try to remember. I'll link that, um, episode, the 5% of parents that are trying to destroy your school. I'll link that in the show notes at the private school leader.com episode 106. • • • The five percenters, they're really tough when it comes to Amygdala. Hijack. • • • What works for me is I think about their kid. They didn't choose the parent. They didn't choose a parent that acts that way. • • • Sometimes. The school is the best thing that ever happened to that kid. • And so sometimes thinking about what's best for the child will help us • • to embrace the space. • • • Okay, • • • step three • • on our list of four strategies • • to, uh, four steps to • • • not, um, • • give in to amygdala. Hijack. Step three is respond, • • don't react. Step three is respond, don't react. Think about the difference between responding and reacting So, once we've paused • and embraced the space, now it's time to choose our response. So I want you to think about the word react. So, again, this step three is respond, don't react. But let's think about the word react for a moment. • • A reaction. Some of the synonyms, it's automatic. It's a reflex. • • • It implies emotional. You know, when you're at the doctor for your annual physical, you know, I don't know about you, but he still does. The little hammer on my knee, and my knee goes flying up in there. • • A, uh, reflex, • you know, we're not in control of that. It just happens. But when something is automatic, when something. When we react, how often do we regret it later? When we respond, how often do we regret it later? I'm going to tell you in my life, when I react, regrets, a lot of them. When I respond, regrets, very few. • • • • So we're thinking about the difference between responding and reacting. And so that word respond • implies that it's thoughtful and intentional. It's something that we're, you know, that we're thinking about, that we're working through. • • • • Respond, • don't react. • • And when you respond, • you've taken the time to assess the situation and maybe even consider some options. And again, • viewing this through the lens of a private school leader, we have so many things coming at us, so many different directions, • • high stakes, stressful job, • • a lot of balls in the air, a lot of things on our plate, however you want to describe it. And then these things come at us. • • We're already stressed out. • • • • • Do we respond or do we react? • • • • • • • • I don't know about you, but I react, • • • • • but I'm trying to respond more often. • • • • • • • • Just. And then, you know, when we respond, we're not at the mercy our amygdala. • • And I want, uh, the one thing, and I put this in caps in my notes. I just want everyone to get this. We cannot respond to emotion with emotion. • • Okay, I'm going to say that again. • • • Think about this, especially as it relates to meeting with parents, sometimes meeting with teachers. • • • • • We cannot respond to emotion with emotion. • • • Now, I know that you try to respond to an emotional parent with logic and reason. They don't always want to hear it, but if we match their emotion, it's not going to be a good conversation. We can't respond to emotion with emotion. • • • • • • So by responding, instead of reacting, we can try to have a little bit of control over the situation and a little bit of control over our emotions. Step three is to regulate your autonomic nervous system during stress And then that brings us to step four, which is to regulate your autonomic nervous system. • • • • • • • • So when we're in a high stress situation, I've already talked about how • • amygdala hijack. It's really your autonomic nervous system kicking into high gear, triggering that fight or flight response. Your heart rate goes up, your breathing becomes more shallow. • • Stress, um, • • hormone cortisol, flows through your body. • The blood flows to your extremities so that you can run faster. • • • • • But if we're regulating our autonomic nervous system, we're basically telling our brain, I'm not in danger, so we can relax. • • • • • • • • And you're like, yeah, I can't really trick my brain when it's doing something automatic, but • • • I want to talk to you about a couple of things that can really help. • • • • • • So when we're trying to. When we're trying to do, • um, a couple of techniques to, • • • • • to just say • to, I'm going to talk about nematodainment in a minute, but, um, when we're trying to get out of that amygdala, hijack. • • What we're trying to do is to tell our brain that we're safe. • • The brain thinks we're not safe. • • • We gotta get out of there, okay? We gotta get out of the amygdala and get into that prefrontal cortex. So how are some ways to do that? Okay, first of all, deep breathing. • • Take a few • • • • slow, deep breaths. • Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth, especially if it's pursed lips. • • • • Um, one of the things that has helped me in the past is a thing called the physiological sigh. • • • • Um, I'll link, a YouTube video. It's like, I don't know, a minute or two minutes long. • • Physiological sigh is a big, deep breath and then another quick little breath at the. The top and just to really fill up those lungs. • • • • • • • • • Another thing that helps, another technique to • • regulate your autonomic nervous system are called grounding techniques. • • • And that's when you focus on your senses, like what you can see or hear or feel, feel your feet, your butt on the chair, your hands on your thighs. It just kind of brings your attention back to this present moment, and. And it can kind of help to reduce those feelings of overwhelm and, • um, other things that are caused by the amygdala hijack. And what I like to do, what's really worked for me, is to combine breathing and grounding. • • And I do 54321. And I've talked about it before, but I'll give it to you real quick. I do this. It takes less than two minutes • • if I'm really stressed out at school. • • • • • • • • So you start with your eyes open, sitting comfortably, and you take • • • • • • • • a deep breath in. • • • And then you something you see, five things you see, four things you hear after you close your eyes. Three things you, • • • • um, feel, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. Okay, so I'll just walk you through it quickly. So, • • big, deep breath in. • • • I see that clock, you know, out. Big, deep breath in. I see the doorknob. • • Breath out. Big, deep breath in. I see my computer screen. Okay, so then you close your eyes, and four things. Big breath in. I hear • • the air conditioner, you know, and then three • • • • things, um, • you feel. You know, I feel my butt on the chair. I feel my feet on the floor. I feel the little pain in my knee from working out this morning. • • Uh, two things you smell and one thing you taste • • when you do that. Big breath in. Big breath out. You're grounding yourself. You're doing deep breathing. I don't know about you. It might be worth a try. It really works for me. • • Um, is combining those two • • • and then two more strategies real quick for regulating, um, • • your autonomic nervous system, • engage the prefrontal cortex. Um, and that would be, um, some people, I know a couple of people that this works really well for them is mathematic. They just start doing multiplication tables • • • or two digit or three digit, um, addition in their head. Okay, mental math. Because then you're going to move all of that action in your brain from the amygdala and throw it up to the prefrontal cortex, and that's where you want it. To be. • • • And the way to get there is some mental math. • • You know, what's eleven times four? What's six times seven? What's the, um, four times • • six? • • Those are the things that can just immediately get you out of that. • • It's worth a try. And then the last one is name it to tame it. And for me, this works really well. If I'm sitting in my office and it's 03:00 and I'm, like, really, really anxious and stressed out and there's, like, nothing going on, I'll stop and I'll ask myself, okay, why am I anxious right now? • • • And then I'll think about it and I'll look at my calendar, and then I'll be like, okay, I got this phone call. I have to make it 04:00 p.m. and that parents kind of been tough in the past, and so that's why I'm stressed out. And then I just feel better because I feel like sometimes that the, uh, amygdala, the fight or flight response is just looking for that bear and it doesn't see it. And so it. We just keep running and we keep running and we keep running. • • And so sometimes you have to name it to tame it. And once your brain knows why you're anxious, at least for me, and this has worked for other people, too, that I've coached and people that I've talked to, • • is that, um, sometimes that just releases it and • • really regulating your autonomic nervous system. We've talked about it. It's about, • • um, • • • • letting your amygdala know I'm safe. And then those responses start to fade away. • • Today's episode discusses the four steps to avoiding amygdala hijack So our big takeaways from today's episode, we talked about amygdala hijack • • • and how, • • • • um, it is that fight or flight response and all of the things that it does in your body. • But then we talked about the four steps to avoiding amygdala hijack. Number one, • pause. Step number two, embrace the space. • • There's a space between stimulus and response. • • Step number three, respond, don't react. And step number four, • regulate your autonomic nervous system. • • • And your call to action for today's episode is the next time your, uh, amygdala hijacks your brain, • • pause and take three deep breaths. • • • • Just see what happens. I think that we just have to have a strategy that when our amygdala hijacks our brain, that we're going to do the thing. So I don't care what the thing is, but if you have a thing, that's your go to thing, and it works for you. Then do the thing • • when the amygdala hijacks your brain, because there are a lot of private school leaders out there, and their amygdala is hijacking their brain several times a day, and they don't have a strategy to get out of that. And so that's the purpose of today's episode, is to help you get out of that. • • I have a new resource for you called the seven secrets to improving teacher morale And so, as I said at the top of the episode, I have a new resource for you called the seven secrets to improving teacher morale. I'd love for you to grab that. It's a free gift for you. • • You follow these • • secrets, um, • • • • uh, implement them at your school. It will be hard work, but I really believe strongly that you can improve teacher morale at your school. And you can grab that free guide over at theprivateschool leader.com morale. • And just another quick reminder about my, uh, online course that can teach you how to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. Everything that I've learned over 33 years of going from being in survival mode to thriving, it's all there in thrive academy for you. • • Also the office hours. Also 9 hours of video content with seven modules and 39 lessons. • • • 84 page workbook, uh, • • • • that, um, you download and print the PDF, • and you just go step by step, strategy by strategy. • • You might go through it in six days or six weeks, or it might take you a year. It's asynchronous. We've got the office hours. • • It's there for you to use the way that it works for your schedule, but it can make a huge difference for you, and you can learn more about it over@theprivatesgleader.com • thrive. • • And I'd love to hear from you. Shoot me an email at mark dot o dot minkusmail ah.com. if you've gotten help from any episode of this podcast and let me know a strategy that you're using at school, or maybe email me with your biggest pain point right now. • • Um, and I mentioned the show notes are at theprivateschool leader.com, episode 106. • • Um, I'd really appreciate it if you would rate and review the podcast wherever you listen to it. And also if you would share the link with another leader in your life or a rising leader at your school. • • Check me out on Instagram at theprivate school leader on Twitter heps leader. • And I've been your host, Mark Minkus. • • I just want to say I appreciate you so much, all the amazing hard work that you're doing for those lucky kids and those lucky teachers at your school. • • And I just appreciate you. And I appreciate you also taking some precious time out of your week to join me here today • • on the private school leader podcast. And I'll see you next time. And until then, always remember, serve first, lead second, and make a difference.

Oct 19, 2024 • 39min

Episode 105: The 4 Types Of Problems That You DON'T Have To Solve

Has this ever happened to you? You don’t want to go to the basketball game because THAT parent might come over and sit down and start talking about a problem. You don’t want to leave your office because everyone is going to need you and everyone is going to give you a bunch of problems to solve. Feeling this way is very normal. School leaders have a bias towards action. School leaders are known for solving problems quickly and efficiently. I want to tell you something that might be hard for you to believe. You don’t have to solve EVERY problem at your school. On today’s episode of the Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to discuss The 4 Types Of Problems That You DON'T Have To Solve. I hope that you will listen to the podcast for your weekly dose of motivation, inspiration and PD. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference! Mark Minkus If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible. I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1. Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget. That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide! I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week! I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations. George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode105 Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!! I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!

Oct 12, 2024 • 38min

Episode 104: The Emotional Price Tag Of An Ongoing Lawsuit

A 2022 study by the National Center for Education Statistics found that nearly 40% of private schools reported facing some form of legal action in the past five years. Of all lawsuits filed against schools, 90% of them are settled out of court. That means that it no longer matters whether or not the person filing the lawsuit has enough evidence to “win”. What matters is if they can find an attorney that will take the case. These two statistics mean that more private school leaders are dealing with more lawsuits than ever before. Litigation is time consuming, stressful and can become very overwhelming very quickly. How are you supposed to run your school and deal with a lawsuit? On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to discuss 7 strategies to help you navigate The Emotional Price Tag Of An Ongoing Lawsuit. Thank you for taking me along with you when you are walking the dog, driving to school or running errands. I appreciate you and what you are doing for the lucky kids and teachers at your school. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference! Mark Minkus I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks! If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible. I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1. Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget. That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide! Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode104 I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week! I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations. George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo TRANSCRIPT: Transcript: Welcome to the private school Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible • • to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the private school leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So, it was October of 1999, • • • and it was just a, uh, normal day at my school. • • • And the kids were outside playing on the playground. • • • And there was a second grader, and he was running. • • And he tripped over • • one of those six by six • • • • • • • pieces, um, • of, um, treated lumber that holds the mulch into place on a playground. • • • • He was running. He tripped over that. He stumbled forward • • • • and kind of twisted as he fell, and • • • • the back • • side of him • • hit, um, • • the metal sliding board. • • • And, um, he was hurt pretty bad. He was in pain. • • And • • • what followed • • • was four years • • of interviews • • • and depositions • and court dates • • and documentation and stress • • • and emotional pain and exhaustion. • • • • Because when that little second grader fell • • and hit that • • metal slide, he ruptured his spleen. • • • • And • • • • • like most cases, • • • it was eventually settled out of court • • about four years later. • • • But there was a significant emotional price tag • for what happened that day in October of 1999. • • • And, you know, many of the clients that I coached, many of them, I would say probably close to half of my coaching clients, have • • experienced the exhaustion and burnout and constant stress that goes along • • with an ongoing lawsuit. • • • • And in 2022, there was a study done by the National center for Education Statistics, and they found that nearly 40% of private schools have reported facing some sort of legal action in the past five years. • • • That's a lot. • • • • • So how can you do everything that needs to be done to fight an accusation in court and still run your school and still be there for your family and still try to take care of your physical health and your mental health? • • • • • Well, the answer is that it's very, very difficult. And on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to discuss • the emotional price tag of an ongoing lawsuit. • • And I'm going to give you seven strategies to help you navigate this difficult season • in your school, in your career, • and also give you some resources that may actually help keep you out of court. • • • • And one of those resources is actually • • a, ah, ten page PDF that's called the top six ways to protect your school from a lawsuit. • • And this PDF can help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court, because as we've just been discussing litigation. It's expensive, it's time consuming, and it's so stressful. • • • But this common sense guide can help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. And, of course, there's never a guarantee • that you won't • • get sued, that you won't have to deal with an ongoing lawsuit. But there are some proactive actions that you can take to limit and reduce that likelihood. And so you can grab the six ways to protect your school from a lawsuit at theprivateschool leader.com lawsuit. Again, that's the six ways to protect your school from a lawsuit. It's a free guide for you, and you can grab that@theprivateschoolleader.com. law lawsuit. • • And • • • • just a quick reminder. Um, I mentioned my coaching clients. You know, I'd love to work with you one on one. I do have a couple coaching spots open right now, and really, coaching is all about helping you solve your problem. And so if you think about what is the biggest problem that I'm facing right now at school, is it • • relentless? Um, • • parents? Uh, is it feeling overwhelmed? Is it a school constantly invading your home life or your days being ruled by the tyranny of the urgent? Or maybe you want to take your leadership to the next level and your career to the next level. You're thinking of a career change. Um, so maybe it's that you're feeling guilty, that your family gets left of you. What's left of you at the end of the day? • • Well, whatever problem you're solving, you're trying to solve whatever problem you're dealing with, I can help you with that. And, um, if you want to know more about one on one coaching, just check it out@theprivateschoolleader.com. • coaching would love to talk to you more about trying to help you solve your biggest problem at school right now. • • 40% of private schools in America have reported facing lawsuits in recent years So I want to start by just trying to answer the question, why are there so many lawsuits against schools? You know, I mentioned at the top of the episode that this • • national center for Education Statistics said that 40% of private schools in America have reported facing some sort of legal action in the past five years. That's a lot. • • • And so what are some of the reasons why? Well, first of all, society • • just has become more litigious in general, • • • and many, there are many, many more lawsuits in general being filed in the past 20 years. So that's just a fact. • • • And, um, what are some of the other reasons • • why • things are why there are so many lawsuits that are being filed against schools. Well, • • • see, here's the main. I think this is the biggest reason • with lawsuits. It used to be when you. When a, let's say that it's a parent, let's, um, • • that there, it's a slip and fall, um, a parent, or let's say it's a teacher and it's a, ah, they perceive maybe they were, it was a wrongful termination, or perhaps it's a family where their child was expelled from the school and they're thinking about suing the school. So it used to be, the question used to be, can we win? • • • But now the question is, can I find an attorney to take the case? • • And the reason is, and this is a statistic that I, um, pulled during research for this episode, that currently • 90% of lawsuits against schools are settled out of court. Okay. 90% of lawsuits against schools are settled out of court. So the question is, no longer can we win. The question is can I find an attorney that will take the case? Because there's a high chance that we're going to settle • • and then there's going to be a financial • compensation. Uh, • • • • • • • so it's not about can we win? It's not about do we have enough evidence? • • Um, did they follow the handbook? • • Do they have video evidence? Did they do this? Did they do that? It's about can we get someone to take it and can we, so that we can settle? • • So that has increased the number. Um, another reason is because schools are very, very complex organizations, and usually there's a lot of emotion involved, but there's a lot of legal things involved, too. So, you know, you put students and staff on a campus, and you're gonna have, you know, physical safety issues with all the students and staff. So from, like I said, slip and fall or, um, liability, • um, you know, safety on field trips, just a ton of stuff. Um, you're gonna have employment law with everyone that works there. • • You're gonna have students, you're gonna have to discipline those students. And occasionally you're going to • • • • • • • have, um, to suspend or • • dismiss students, • • um, • • • wrongful termination, • • um, • • • age discrimination, uh, racial issues discrimination, • • um, • • bullying. • Did, um, the school do enough to keep my child emotionally safe, • um, not meeting the child's academic needs, such as, • • um, • • • the learning plan or a, um, mental health need, or perhaps even access because of a physical disability, • • • um, • • deib issues, • • • • • race allegations, free speech issues. Free speech issues have skyrocketed in the last ten years. So again, I'm not trying to trigger you. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm not. I just want to pause here for a moment, because • if, in the last five years, 40% of schools have dealt with a lawsuit, • • • most people listening are either sitting there feeling remind. Being reminded of the thing that happened and how hard it was, or • • they're thinking, oh, well, we've been blessed enough or lucky enough to not have a lawsuit. And, oh, no. Um, uh, is it about to happen? And so • I just, uh, believe strongly that it's like, okay, so when I thought about this episode, it's like, okay, well, we can just ignore this so that I don't trigger anybody, or we can do what we usually do, and that's lean into things that are uncomfortable • • and then try to give you some help. So I hope that you understand that I'm coming from a place of helping, but I think it's important to identify • • • why there are so many lawsuits against schools so that we can learn those strategies to navigate this if and when your school is going through that ongoing lawsuit or to help maybe reduce the likelihood that you'll end up in court. Societal expectations about school have grown a lot in the last 20 years Okay, so that's my brief sidebar disclaimer, but a couple more reasons why this has increased so much is that, um, there's increased accountability. • Um, and the societal expectations have grown, ah, a lot in the last 20 years. It used to be in, let's say, the late nineties, mid nineties. And I realized that's about 30 years ago, not 20 years ago, that for the most part, parents sent their kids to school, • • • and they figured the school knew what they were doing. And, um, • • • the expectations were that the teachers and the principal were going to do a good job, and there were not those kinds of, • um. • • • • • Uh. I don't want to say there weren't high expectations, but societal expectations about if a, uh, standard is not being met. Instead of complaining, it. • • • It's a short line sometimes between, • • • uh, • an expectation not being met and wanting to take legal action. • • And parents and guardians are more aware of their rights, and they're more willing and more likely to take action if they feel that those rights are being violated. And I'm not saying that's wrong. I'm just saying that it's a fact. Okay. There's a heightened awareness of issues such as bullying and discrimination and mental health concerns. Those are openly discussed. And 20 years ago, they weren't. And so schools that don't have clear and robust policies in place often find themselves in the, uh, crosshairs when it comes to how they handled a situation. • • • And then one last one that I think is a, uh, contributing factor, and that's social media. You know, the power of social media has amplified, like, an individual grievance. • • Then it just goes from zero to 100. • • • They post about it, and then other parents chime in, and if it becomes a story locally, then boom, all of a sudden it's a national story and things like that. So • • social media just makes it easier for complaints to escalate very, very quickly. So that's kind of a combination of the, why? Why are there so many? Why does it happen so often? • • There are seven strategies to help you navigate this long and stressful season I'm acknowledging that this might be uncomfortable for you to hear because of something that you've been through at your school or fear about what's next, but I want to equip you. • • And so what I'm about to discuss with you are seven strategies to help you navigate this long and stressful season in your school. Okay, so here are the seven strategies. Number one, acknowledge three things. Number two, adopt a marathoner's mindset. Number three, try not to catastrophize. Number four, follow your attorney's advice. • • Number five, be intentional about your environment. Number six, ask for help. And number seven is prioritize self care. • • • • • • • So number one is acknowledge three things. So what are the three things? Okay, the first thing is to acknowledge that this sucks. Okay? Lawsuits suck. They're long and they're drawn out, and they're stressful and they're awful, and • you need to acknowledge that. • And you're like, well, of course I'm going to acknowledge that. Um, I don't know. I just think that sometimes when, as private school leaders, whenever the next thing comes along, we just figure, okay, well, this is my life. It is what it is, and this is just a thing that I do. • Sometimes it helps a little bit if we can just pause and acknowledge, • • • • • this sucks. This is lousy. This is something that's going to take a while, and there's an emotional price tag. • • • • • That's the title of this episode. • Um, I was inspired and felt the need to do this episode just because of conversations that I've had with coaching clients • • • and seeing the toll that it takes on them when they have these ongoing lawsuits, • • • • to just acknowledge that it sucks. The second thing that we're going to acknowledge is that this is a traumatic event in your life and in the school's history. • • Now, trauma and traumatic event, those are tricky words, because, • • • um, I think that we. • When we think about being in the midst of being ahead or being a division head, but especially being ahead, • • um, when there's an ongoing lawsuit against the school, that you think, well, that's not really a traumatic experience. • • • You know, traumatic experiences, someone who's been, you know, abused or • someone, um, • • whose, um, you know, child died in a car accident or something like that. All of that is true, but trauma is trauma, and we don't need to compare trauma • • or rank trauma for it to be a traumatic experience. And so traumatic experiences have a high emotional price tag. • • • And the • • difference between • • • some traumatic events and an ongoing lawsuit is that I mentioned, like a car accident or a sudden, • • um, catastrophic injury or something like that, • maybe, um, a mugging, you know, those are things that happen in a moment, • and the lawsuit is stretched out over years, and so sometimes it diminishes • • that word trauma, because of the • • length of time that you're in that moment. Um. • • • • • Um, we don't have to compare trauma. • • • • • This is most oftentimes a traumatic event for you and for your school. • • And we need to acknowledge that because the price tag • • is equivalent to a traumatic event in most cases. • • • The third thing that we're going to acknowledge is that this is not about right and wrong. • • • Okay? Remember I said it's not about winning. It's not about whether or not you can win the lawsuit. • • • • • It's about whether or not someone will take the case and settle out of court. • • • • • • You could be 100% following the handbook. • • • • Have the kid, let's just say it's a kid being expelled and they're suing the school for wrongful dismissal. • • • • • You could have the kid on video doing the thing. You could have all of your documentation with every t crossed and every I dotted, • • • and it could still be that the school's attorney and the attorney, uh, • • for the family and the insurance company, for your liability insurance company, for the school, are all talking about this, and it just becomes the best thing to do • • from a financial standpoint for the school, and also from media exposure, that the best thing to do is to settle. Why do you think 90% of them settle? And so that's something that's really hard to get past for many of us, is that. Yeah, but we've got all of this. We've got the proof. You know, they're wrong. They're just making this up, and they're. They're just mad because they got fired or because their kid got expelled or, you know, you might be 100% right • and you still end up settling out of court. And so you have to acknowledge that this is not about right and wrong. • • Okay? Number two, these are our strategies • • for how we're going to navigate this. • • • • Number two, is adopt a marathoner's mindset. • • And you've heard it said before that life is a marathon and not a sprint. • We've heard it say that our school year is a marathon and not a sprint. And of course we know what that means, that we need to settle in for the long haul, that this isn't something that is going to be over quickly. And if a marathoner had the mindset of a sprinter, • • they would run out of energy • • after a couple hundred meters • • in the marathon. • • • • And so this is going to take a long time. This is going to take a while. And so another piece of advice, just, uh, • in addition to adopting that kind of mindset that they settle in and this is going to take a while, • • • is don't get too attached to dates when things might happen. • • • • • Don't get too attached to dates when things might happen. Okay? They might. There might be a decision on this date, or the attorneys said blah, blah, blah, or the judge is going to such and such, or the insurance company is going to dot, dot, dot on this date, or there's going to be a decision rendered on this date. • • • • • • • • • • I've talked to too many coaching clients where they've gotten their hopes up about a certain date, • • and then some small thing • • • • • kicks, um, • • that date a month down the road or two months down the road, and it's like crushing to that person. • • • • I think that if you don't get too attached to dates and you just figure it'll be all over when it's all over, that that's a more even keeled approach than to be on the emotional rollercoaster of putting a lot of stock into things happening on certain dates. • • And just to really, • • • again, adopt the marathoner's mindset that it's a long haul and you're just going to do whatever it takes to get to the finish line. • • • Strategy number three is to try not to catastrophize All right, strategy number three is to try not to catastrophize. • • • • • So it's very easy to catastrophize, and of course, we know what that means, and that's to just perseverate, to really think about, to ruminate on the worst case scenario. Um, • • and • • it could be that. • • • • I'll just go back for a moment. I was catastrophizing when that little boy was injured on the slide • • because it was about a month after we had, um, the death of a student on campus. And I did • • an episode on that, • • and • • • it was, um, the next morning, the student was tragically killed at a park. Um, they were playing with a gun, and the student was tragically killed a 9th grader at our school. And the next morning, • • • when I arrived at school, there were • • • • reporters, um, • • from three television stations with cameras. There were two newspapers, • • um, from our city, and they were all there first thing in the morning, wanting a quote, you know, trying to interview parents as they dropped off in carpool, trying to interview student drivers as they parked in the student parking lot. • • • • And so that was a month before • • • this boy getting hurt on the slide. And so, yeah, I was catastrophizing. It's like, oh, my gosh, here we go again. Going to be on the news, that kind of thing. And so we know that catastrophizing is just that worst case scenario kind of thinking, and then we just can't get out of that loop that we're in. Oh, my gosh, we're going to be on the national news. The school will have to close, I'm going to get fired, and then I'll never be able to get a job again, and so on and so forth. • • • • Couple of things. • • • • • • • First of all, a reminder that 90% of these cases are settled out of court. • And while that might be annoying because you just want to win, • • • the 90% of them being settled out of court in the long run is actually a good thing, in my opinion. • • And that's because • • • • oftentimes, • • • • when it is settled, • • well, first of all, when it's settled, usually that means it's over. And many times there's a, uh, • • non disclosure agreement or there's a gag order, and so the family isn't allowed to talk about it. You're not allowed to talk about it. But then that also lets the thing die down. The things that get all kinds of media attention are the ones where it's an actual court battle. And I'm not saying that there won't be ever be media attention or there won't be • negative attention, or that maybe you could come under some heat from your board because maybe you did mess up. Maybe you didn't have things, uh, tightened up as far as supervision at recess or as far as your employee handbook. I'm not saying that these things are impossible. I'm just saying that • • if we catastrophize about what could happen, • • we are going to pay a higher emotional price tag than if we choose not • to just, or we try not to catastrophize. And so • • being, you know, catastrophizing is really having a dysregulated autonomic nervous system. • • And in the show notes@theprivateschoolleader.com. episode 104. I'm going to put some resources. Um, there are some worksheets there as far as, like, decatastrophizing worksheets. If you've been in therapy or worked with a therapist • for someone, student, uh, at your school, • • um, these are very, very useful. • • And just a tip, like, maybe this episode is landing for you in different ways. It's landing for everybody in a different way. • • • Um, • • • • • • a decatastrophizing worksheet is actually a pretty good thing to have in your file, uh, in your desk drawer, because it's something that you could pull out when you're really, really stressed out about a meeting with a parent or a meeting with a teacher or some other thing that's happening on your campus. • • • But specifically for the purposes of this episode. • Um, I'll put that in the show notes. There's a lot there about, um, um, regulating your autonomic nervous system and just trying not to catastrophize. And then also, I will link in the show notes, episode 101, which is the five steps to manage unrelenting stress. There's like a five step, uh, framework there that when you're under a tremendous amount of stress, that you can • manage, um, • • that a lot better. So that will help as well in this situation. Follow your attorney's advice and keep your board informed on litigation issues Okay. And then that brings us to number four, • • • which is follow your attorney's advice • • and keep your board informed. And so the first thing you're going to say is, duh, like, follow your attorney's advice. Yeah, of course I'm going to do that. Well, • • • • • • I mean, I just think it's obvious, but it needs to be said because it's so important is to just • • • get a good one and then do what they advise. And of course, you're going to • • • • talk to your board chair and make decisions. Do we want to do this? Do we want to do that? This is not what you do for a living. This is what they do for a living. And so get a good one. It might even be that • you decide that if your attorney • • for your school is more. A lot of this depends on the area that you live in and the size of your school and the size of the city that you live in. But your attorney might be someone who does a lot of, um, estate planning and, um, taxes and just things like that. And maybe they haven't dealt with lawsuits very much in their career. • Um, it could be that your school's attorney is great for 95% of the stuff that happens, but it might be that you need to engage the services of an attorney that has some experience with this type of, uh, litigation, • • um, for this issue. Okay. It's just something to consider. • • • • • • Your attorney's going to be working with the other side's attorney, obviously, and with the attorneys at your, • • um, • • that represent your insurance company, that has the liability insurance for the school. • • • Follow the attorney's advice. • • Remember that 90% are settled out of court. • • • You focus on what you do best, which is documentation, • • deadlines, running the school. Lean into the things that you have control over • • and let them do what they do best, and then keep your board chair informed. And I'll be honest, your board chair or a board member who maybe has, • • some of us have attorneys on our board, • • • there needs to be a board member that's going to step up and be the go to person that's going to communicate with you regarding this. And you just can't be the lone wolf on this, nor should you be. • And • • • that might be an uncomfortable conversation for you to say, hey, I really need some help. But that is what you need to do, is to get a board member to really step up, uh, and to be involved with this. • • • Seven strategies to help you navigate an ongoing lawsuit include being intentional about your environment So we're • talking about the seven strategies to help you navigate an ongoing lawsuit. Number one, acknowledge three things. Number two, adopt the marathoner's mindset. Number three, try not to catastrophize. Number four, follow your attorney's advice. And number five, be intentional about your environment. • • • So let me explain what I mean. • Um, your environment, your office, • • • can become • • • a place • • where the binder, the paperwork, the • tab on your computer, that is the • • • • Google Doc, where • • • • a lot of the different things are that are attached to this lawsuit. The visibility of the documentation, the visibility of the binder or the, the tab open of the Google Doc, • that is something that you actually have control over. Okay? And so I would strongly suggest that • if you have a binder, if you have a tab, if you have a Google folder, that when you're not actively working on it, that you, um, put the binder away in a drawer, physically put it away, that you close the tab and open a window. And I'll explain what I mean. You know, if you use Chrome or if you use Safari or Firefox or whatever you use, if you hover over that logo at the bottom of your computer screen • • and right click it, it's going to give you the option to open a new window. And you can open a window, put that stuff in there, • • open a couple tabs, the Google Doc, the Google folder, or whatever it might be, • • • • • • and then you can close the tab • • • • • • • • • on the window that is open all day on your computer screen. I strongly recommend, and I teach this, that that's where your email inbox should be as well, is in that window so that you can't just access it as easy, a little bit of friction between you and your inbox. But the other thing you can do is to, you know, once, • once this thing is settled or once you've gathered all the documentation and there's some milestone, you know, so the milestone is, is that all of the documentation from the school • • • • • is going to be taken to the attorney's office and dropped off. • • • Well, let's say that that binder exits your office. • • • • Maybe you have a copy of that binder, but of course you're going to stick that in the drawer. But that thing that was taking up space or that specific location in your office, I strongly recommend that when that binder • goes to the attorney, that you • • • replace it with a photo of a trip or of your family or your spouse or your partner, um, • with a bible verse or with a little posted of your compelling why or an inspirational motivational quote or something. I have a coaching client who. She was dealing with this • • pretty awful lawsuit. And, um, when that binder finally went to the • • • attorney's office, I encouraged her to replace it with a photo of her and her husband and this trip that they had gone on during the summer. And that actually helped her a lot. So these things have psychological weight, um, in our environment, and we need to be more intentional about our environment when it comes to this. We have our school to run. This is not the only part of our job. • • Um, and so I just strongly recommend that if you're not currently working on it, whether it's a tab and a window on your computer, or whether it's a binder, that these are • put away so that they are harder to see. • • Number six is ask for help. Um, I know that most of us All right, number six is ask for help. Um, I know that most of us, when it comes to, um, a lawsuit, an ongoing lawsuit, we're like, well, let's just keep it quiet. Let's just keep it low key, and we just suffer in silence. But • • some, you know, you can ask for help upwards, and that's the board chair or the other board member that maybe has a little bit of experience with litigation. • • • And, um, that's super important to ask for help upwards. But down, • • um, the chain, um, down the chart with either your leadership team, or if you don't have a leadership team and it's your teachers or your team, • your team needs to step up. And, you know, what does that look like? Well, • • • • • • when your brain is flooded with cortisol, which it will be when, you know, uh, • • meant much of the time when you're dealing with this, we don't think we're not cognitively as sharp as we are when we don't have a bunch of cortisol in our brain. And so we need, sometimes we need to get creative and think about what that looks like when we're not at school, you know, when we're in a better headspace. But one of the things that actually works really well, and this does take time, but it's worth it in the long run, is to. • • • • • • • And again, this is probably something for like the weekend, but to take like a piece of paper or Google Doc and just list everything that you do. Pull out. I know this is sounds crazy, but listen, • • • just write everything that you do, every task, every • • • part of your responsibility, everything you do. So you're pulling out your job description, you're pulling out the school calendar so you don't forget about events. You're pulling out everything, and you're just listing all of that stuff, okay? Just a brain dump. And then what you're going to do is step two is to take those things and put them in order of priority. And so let's say keeping kids and staff physically safe, you know, that's probably going to be number one or close to the top. And then you just list them all the way down to whatever the least important task is. • So let's just say for the sake conversation that you have 100 tasks on that list. • • • • You're going to draw a line one third of the way from the bottom. So if it was 100, it would be around 66. And then you're going to look at those • • tasks below the line • • • and you're going to start thinking about who besides me could do these tasks. • • • And so there's about 33 tasks there on our hypothetical list of 100 tasks. And it might be that only ten of those 33 that you could legitimately hand off. But I'm telling you, when you do this exercise, you're going to find • • that the bottom third of your priority • • ranked tasks, that most of them can be done by somebody else. We just have to be creative and we have to have the guts • to ask. And it takes a little courage to ask, especially ask busy people to do something more. But this is a season where you're much busier than usual because of this ongoing lawsuit. And the last thing that you need is to be put through the wood chipper of your school and this lawsuit and be a tiny little pile of sawdust on your chair. You're not any good to anybody, and so you need to ask for help. • • • Number seven, prioritize self care. And this is kind of a no brainer Okay, number seven, • • • • • prioritize self care. And this is kind of a no brainer. M, you know, if you've been listening to this podcast for any length of time, you know that we've talked a lot about self care and sleep and trying to eat, um, not • • • you, uh, know, trying to eat in. In an intentional way, as far as the things that we put in our body. Try to move your body, drink water, • • • engage, um, • • in mindfulness and gratitude and prayer and meditation. And you're like, yeah, right, I know all of those things, but doing them is another matter. When I'm in the throes of this stress, I get that. I understand that. But just to prioritize self care, because we tend to abandon our best practices for self care when we need them the most. • • • And I want to say that one more time because I want it to sink in, we tend to abandon our best practices for self care when we need them the most. • And one of the times that we need them the most is when we're paying the high emotional price of an ongoing lawsuit. • • • • Prepare to feel weird when this thing is over I also want to give you one quick bonus strategy. I've given you seven. Here's a bonus one. Prepare when this thing is over. • • Prepare not to feel the way you think you're going to feel. • • • So prepare not to feel relief. Prepare not to feel like you want to celebrate. Prepare to feel weird, and everyone is going to feel something different. But most people that I talk to and I, from my own experience, • • you don't feel like the way that you think you're going to feel, whatever that is. And so just prepare to feel weird. I prepare not to feel relieved or want to celebrate. And then you won't be disappointed when you don't feel like celebrating. It's just such a complex • • • • cocktail of emotions that you're navigating that when it's over, • • um, it's so different for every person as far as what you feel. And I think people are expecting to feel a certain way, and then they don't, and they think there's something weird with them. • • • M it's just. It's, uh, just very, very weird situation. And so just prepare • to not feel relief or feel like celebrating. Prepare to feel differently than you think you're going to. It's just one quick bonus strategy. Top six ways to protect your school from a lawsuit is a free PDF All right, so what are the big takeaways from today's episode? We're talking about the seven strategies to help you navigate • this long and stressful season in your school • and the high emotional price tag of an ongoing lawsuit. Number one, acknowledge three things. And what are those three things that we're acknowledging? We're acknowledging, first of all, that this sucks. We're acknowledging that this is a traumatic event. And we're also acknowledging that this is not about right and wrong and winning, because you could be right • • • • • and still have to settle out of court. • • • • Number two, adopt the marathoner's mindset. Number three, try not to catastrophize. Number four, follow your attorney's advice. Number five, be intentional about your environment. Number six, ask for help. And number seven, • prioritize self care. • • • So your call to action for this episode is to download this free resource called the top six ways to protect your school from a lawsuit. And again, it's a ten page PDF. There's no guarantee that your school will never be sued, that you'll never be engaged in litigation. But this is a common sense guide that can help you be more intentional and more proactive about your school, your campus, the safety of your campus, the your faculty, and m your employee and student handbooks and job descriptions, and just a lot of things that can help reduce that likelihood. • • Um, and you can grab the top six ways to protect your school from a lawsuit at the the privateschoolleader.com • • lawsuit. • • And I really appreciate you. I just. I know how busy you are, and the fact that you take some time out of your week to listen here means a lot. Um, if you got value from this episode or any episode, I would ask for a favor from you. And that is to just take the link of this podcast and share it with another leader, either at your school or at another school. And also to think about one person at your school that's an aspiring leader like you have a good eye for rising leaders and just share this podcast with them. Just share the link with them. • And so again, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy week to join me here today to listen. And I will see you next time right here on the private school leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.

Oct 5, 2024 • 38min

Episode 103: Make Parent Satisfaction SKYROCKET By Using "The Nordstrom Way"

In 1975, Craig Trounce was a store associate at a Nordstrom store in Fairbanks, Alaska. One day, Craig noticed a customer rolling a pair of tires into the store. When Craig asked how he could help, the customer asked to return the tires, insisting that he bought them at that very location with a guarantee that he could bring them back to the store at any time. Just one problem: Nordstorm doesn’t sell tires. What Craig Trounce did next has given Nordstrom nearly 50 years of free publicity about their unmatched level of customer service. In fact, if you Google “Nordstrom tires”, you will get roughly 3.8 million results. Do you want your parents to be “raving fans”? Do you want your parent survey scores to be through the roof? Do you want your student retention rates to be high? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, then today’s episode is for you as we discuss how to Make Parent Satisfaction SKYROCKET By Using "The Nordstrom Way". Thank you for listening to the podcast every week. You are making a difference in the lives of the students, teachers and parents at your school. I know that what you do is difficult, exhausting and lonely. Your hard work inspires me to keep making weekly content to try to encourage and inspire you as you serve your school. Thanks for all you do! Mark Minkus If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible. I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1. Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget. That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide! I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week! I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations. George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode103 Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!! I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks! TRANSCRIPT: Welcome to the private school leader podcast. Where private school leaders learn how to thrive. And not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that. Right here on the private school leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • Nordstrom purchased three stores from a company that did sell tires in 1975 So, in the fall of 1975, • • • at a Nordstrom store in Fairbanks, Alaska, Craig trounce showed up for work. And he's a store associate. • Craig's at his cash register. He's doing some work there. And he notices a customer rolling a pair of two tires • • into the store across the floor, headed towards his and cash register. • • • So Craig says, how can I help you? And the man says, well, I'm here to return these tires. He said, I bought them at this location. And there was a guarantee that if, • • um, • • I decided I wanted to bring them back for any reason, that the store would give me a refund. • • • • And here's the only problem, is that that Nordstrom store did not sell tires. • • But in 1975, • • Nordstrom purchased three stores from a company that did sell tires. Northern commercial of Alaska. And so in the spring • • • of 1975, they bought three locations. • • • And these northern commercial company of Alaska stores, they sold a mixture of goods and towels and linens and clothes. And they actually sold some automotive supplies, and they sold tires. So this man • • • bought tires • • at a northern commercial of Alaska store location in the spring of 75. And now in the fall of 75, he drives 75 miles • • • to get to this store, Alaska. Everything's all spread out up there. He drives really far to get to this store. And lo and behold, he comes to find that it's not the tire, the place that he bought his tires. It's a Nordstrom. And, of course, they pivoted to just selling, • • um, apparel and shoes. • • So here's Craig standing by his cash register. Here's this gentleman with two tires. They don't sell tires. • • So if you're Craig. If I'm Craig, I'm thinking, okay, I'm just going to say, well, and you've heard this in all of your customer service experiences over the years, things like, I'm sorry, sir. We don't sell tires. • Um, that's not our policy. • • • Sorry, I can't help you, • um, • • • fill in the blanken. But you know what? That's not what happened. Instead of turning the tires away, • • • Craig wanted to do the right thing. He wanted to do right by the customer. He had driven those, uh, over 70 miles • • to return the tires. And Craig didn't know much about tires, and so he called a tire company in Fairbanks, • • got their thoughts on the, uh, style of tire, how much they were worth, and then he gave that customer that amount of money, • • took the tires, and sent him on his way. • • • Now, you might cringe and wince and think, oh, man, where's Mark going with this with regards to our private school? But you might wince at the thought of a refund • • of an expensive purchase, • • • • especially for an item like a set of tires that Nordstrom can't resell because they don't sell tires. But let's take that small financial hit out of the equation for a minute, because • • • • • that was almost 50 years ago, • • and Nordstrom has been getting free publicity about their customer service model because that story has been retold for almost 50 years. • • If you Google Nordstrom Tire's story, you're going to get almost 4 million results. • Blog posts, forum threads, news articles. • • That single • decision by Craig that day in 1975 • • • has given Nordstrom almost 50 years of free publicity and word of mouth advertising because of their legendary customer service. • • • And it's Nordstrom's story to tell. • • • And so we want our parents to be raving fans. We want them to have that kind of, • • um, experience. We want them to have, you know, we want our school to have that kind of reputation as far as client service. We want our retention rates to be high. We want our parent satisfaction scores to be through the roof. • • • • Well, on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to talk about how to make parent satisfaction skyrocket by using the Nordstrom way. • • • • Coaching and coaching is all about transformation and helping you solve your big problem And just for a moment, before we get into that, I just want to ask you, • what problem can I help you solve? • • • • Are you • • feeling guilty that your family gets what's left of you at the end of the day? Is that your problem? • • Is your problem imposter syndrome? Is your problem • that your day is just ruled by the tyranny of the urgent and you can't get anything done? • • Is your problem that you've got relentless parents? And I chose that word relentless very intentionally. • • • • Is your problem that you're just not sure how to take your leadership or your career to the next level? You've been thinking about the future. • • Maybe your problem is, is that you're just overwhelmed and feeling burnout. • • Well, I can help you solve your problem, • • • • and I wanted to let you know that I have two coaching spots open • • • right now, and I'd love to work with you, • • and you can learn more@theprivatescluder.com. coaching • • and coaching is all about transformation and helping you solve your big problem. • • So check it out@theprivatescluder.com. coaching I've got two spots I'd love to work with you, • • and then I'd love to give you a free gift as well just for listening today. And this one is a ten page PDF that's called the top six ways to protect your school from a lawsuit. • • And we know that litigation is expensive. • • • We know that it's time consuming and very stressful. • • And this guide will help you keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. • • • • • • This is a common sense guide and it'll help you be more intentional and more proactive when it comes to protecting your school • • from litigation. And so you can grab this@theprivateschoolleader.com lawsuit. Again, that's the top six ways to protect your school from a lawsuit. It's a free ten page PDF and you can grab that@theprivateschoolader.com lawsuit just as a little way for me to say thank you for listening to the podcast today. • The Nordstrom way is about going above and beyond for customers Alright, I told you we're going to talk about the Nordstrom way, and we're going to talk about ways to increase parent satisfaction by using the Nordstrom way. So first of all, let me just tell you, what is the Nordstrom way, quote unquote. Well, first of all, it's the title of a book. • • Um, and I'll link the book • • in the show notes and it talks about the customer service philosophy at Nordstrom • • and that centers around empowering employees to use their own judgment, just like Craig did in that pivotal moment back in 1975 in Fairbanks, Alaska. • • • • The Nordstrom way is about going above and beyond for customers. And they have all of these legendary customer service stories. • • • And it's also about just basically prioritizing that customer satisfaction • • • by allowing empowering the employee to make decisions and uh, with their core principle of using good judgment in all situations. We're going to unpack that a little bit more in a minute. • • • And then what that leads to is just consistently high customer satisfaction ratings and legendary stores of legendary stories of exceptional service at their stores. And uh, just a leader in the industry for • • almost 50 years with regards to • • • modeling • • outstanding customer service, • outstanding customer satisfaction ratings. Okay. • • • Six ways to use Nordstrom way to increase parent satisfaction at your school And so before I get into the six things, the six ways that we're going to apply the Nordstrom way to your school, • • • • • I want to give you a little disclaimer. Okay. I can hear what some of you are thinking you're like, mark, • • the problem with customer service is, is that the customer is always right. • • All right, I get that. So here's the thing. When I'm talking about • • providing excellent client service, I've talked about this before on the podcast that our parents are clients, • • our teachers are professional. You are professional. • • Professionals have clients, • • not customers. We're going to treat them like clients. • • But when it comes to our client service, I'm not talking about, uh, changing a grade. I'm not talking about taking away a detention. I'm not talking about firing the soccer coach because the kid didn't get enough playing time. I'm not talking about ignoring policies in the handbook to make a parent happy. No, I'm not talking about any of that. What I'm talking about • • are six ways • to apply the Nordstrom way • • • • that are proactive things that you can do at your school • • • to cause the parent satisfaction questions on your annual survey to skyrocket. Sound good? Okay, • here they are. The six ways to use the Nordstrom way to increase parent satisfaction. Number one, empower employees to make decisions. Number two, use good judgment. Number three, surprise and delight. Number four, listen and adapt. Number five, personalize interactions. • And number six is create a culture of accountability. • • • And what I'm going to do is just, we're going to go through each one of these, um, take them one at a time. I'll just explain it briefly, and then just give a quick example from Nordstrom how they do it. And then, um, give you a couple very specific examples of how to apply it to your school. • Empower employees to make decisions on the spot to resolve customer issues All right, so, number one is empower employees to make decisions. • • • So first, the Nordstrom example. At Nordstrom, their employees are encouraged to make decisions on the spot to resolve a customer's issue. • • And they don't need to get a manager's approval. • • • • And that's kind of an outlier, because how many times have you been in a situation where you're asking for something, • • and it's a customer service situation, and the employee says, well, I need to check with my manager, or I can't do that because that's not our policy, or I would get in trouble, or I'm worried that I would get fired. I'm sorry. • • • • Nordstrom employees, they don't worry about getting in trouble. • • • They've been empowered to make the decisions and to resolve that issue, and then the manager has their back. If we empower teachers to address parent concerns directly, then we are less involved All right, so now let's apply that to our teachers. • • • • • Here's a couple of things I want you to think about. If we empower our teachers to address parent concerns directly, • • • then we are going to be involved • • • later in the process when the situation escalates, • instead of being involved in every • • • • • situation that involves a teacher and a parent. • • • • And some of this • • is us as the school leaders, and some of this is our teachers. Okay? And last week I was talking on the podcast about • • how when you walk down the hall, sometimes it feels like your teachers • • are all just handing you. Each of them is handing you a crying baby. • • • • And • • • I asked the question at the time, • • is it because they've done everything that they can to address • • • and try to get this baby to stop crying, or do they just not want to hold a crying baby? And so they hand it to you? And I get it. Like, some parents can be bullies, some teachers have some trauma, and it's not an overstatement to call it trauma when it comes to dealing with certain parents. • • But also, some teachers just really quickly want to hand off a parent issue to administration. • • • • And we know that in our schools that if something happens in fourth grade math class, • • • • that the place the parent has to start • is with the fourth grade math teacher to talk about it. And if they can resolve it at that level, great. And most things, • • if our teachers are good communicators and they don't get defensive and they don't interrupt. You know, there's a, um, on my resources page on the website, um, theprivateschoolier.com resources. I have, • • um, a guide there for how to have a meeting with a difficult parent. If they follow those steps. If you follow those steps, when you meet with a parent, • • • • • most of the concerns are going to be resolved at the teacher parent level. • • • • But • how many of those things immediately become our problem? • • • That's one of the reasons that our capacity is so, • • • um, that we're beyond capacity is because I feel strongly that we're getting involved earlier than we need to. And so we need to empower our employees. • • They don't have to check with us on everything. • • • We need to support them. We need to have their back. Because here's the thing. If they decide something • • and it's not exactly what you would have done, and then you ding them for that and you criticize them for that, or you don't have their back, • • then • • • • that's going to just, um, be the same thing as all the customer service people out there that say, well, I need to check with my manager. So I know it's like a tightrope walk. I know it's a thin line, • but we can get better at this. • • • • We need to give it some intentional thought. • • We need to hold our teachers accountable. I'll talk about that in number six. We need to hold our teachers accountable for what they're supposed to do when it comes to parent interaction. And unless a parent is really being abusive and being a bully, our teachers need to talk to the parents. • • • • What's happening is that the 5% of bully parents • • are causing our teachers to not want to deal with the 95% of decent parents. And then that's building your workload • • to the degree that you can't get anything done except deal with parents. • And so I know that it's hard to push back on that, but I feel like the pendulum needs to swing back in the other direction. • • Um, you know, if that parent is expressing frustration about a classroom issue and that teacher can offer the immediate solution or the adjustment, rather than needing to escalate the matter to, • • um, a senior level leader, • • • • wonderful. That's what we want. But they need to be empowered and feel supported to do that. Just like the Nordstrom way. All right. So, again, there's no perfect • • outcome in that scenario. There's. Every school is different. But I want you to take the general concept of empowering your teachers to make decisions and then having their back to see how and holding them accountable for what they need to do when it comes to parent concerns, that doing those things consistently will reduce your number of parent interactions. • • Okay. Number two • on our list of how we're going to use the Nordstrom way to increase parent satisfaction. Number two is use good judgment. All right. If you know anything about Nordstrom, you may have heard this story. • • Their employee handbook is a five by seven piece of cardstock. That's their employee handbook. And on one side, it welcomes the new employee to be working at Nordstrom. And on the other side, it says, we have one rule. Use good judgment in all situations. That's their employee handbook. Okay. • • Use good judgment in all situations. So • • • the principle • of using good judgment at Nordstrom kind of dovetails with number one, which is empowering the employees. • • And so if they use good judgment about their, • • • • you know, the way that they're interacting, • • um, about the decisions that they're making, • • if they're doing something that's prioritizing the customer, or in our case, the client, • • • um, you know, at Nordstrom, employees are trusted to act in the best interest of that customer. • • And so • • • when they do the thing that I mentioned in number one, which is empowered to make decisions, • • the expectation which is made clear • • is to use good judgment. • • • So, you know, the classic example of course is about returning the set of, um, tires, and they don't even sell tires. • • Um, you know, that employee, that story, Craig, um, in Fairbanks, Alaska, he • • recognized that this customer had a legitimate concern, • • • and he used his best judgment • • • to not strictly adhere to that return policy. • • • • And then that kind of decision really just shows, uh, his good judgment in that moment to prioritize customer satisfaction over what might be. • • You know, there's a lot of rigidity to rules out there in • • • • the customer service world. • • And again, I said in my disclaimer, I'm not talking about changing rules, • • • changing grades, taking away detentions. I'm not talking about that. But I'm talking about • • you • • • and your teachers • • • just really trying to use good judgment in all situations. So what's an example of that, that we can apply to the school? All right, • so let's say that a parent reaches out • • • • about their kids • • the way that they're interacting, um, with kids on the playground, • and that those social interactions aren't going all that well. Okay. • • • Um, you know, this kind of, again, goes along with, number one, we want that teacher • • to use good judgment, and then we want to support them. And if we do that, then they're going to increase their capacity, they're going to increase their confidence, and then they're going to increase their. • • The regular, um, the regularity that they. How regularly they will handle these problems at the teacher level, the teacher parent level. And so, again, we've got to build them up • • by reminding them that we have confidence in their judgment. And you're thinking, well, yeah, but I don't have confidence in the judgment of, uh, these two teachers over here. I get that. • • But, you know, and so, just like we differentiate for our students, we're going to differentiate for our teachers. And those need a little more supervision. Those need a little more accountability. Those need the check with me first kind of a conversation. But there are a lot of our teachers • • that can • • do better with this • • if we will encourage them. • • Again, number one and number two go together, empower the teacher, • • encourage them to use good judgment, and then have their back. Number three is surprise and delight. And you've heard me talk about this before Okay, let's move on to number three. • And number three is surprise and delight. • • And you've heard me talk about surprise and delight on the podcast before. • • And let me give you a quick Nordstrom example. There's a Nordstrom store near, in Chicago. It's not that close to the airport. And there was a gentleman who had a business trip, and he had a connecting flight at O'Hare, • and he realized when he was going through TSA, • • • he's wearing his sneakers. He's wearing his casual clothes, but he's got his suit and his business attire, • • um, in his luggage. • • He realizes that he forgot his dress shoes at home, • • and so he calls the Nordstrom in Chicago • • and tells him about the problem. • The person who answered the phone said, no problem. • • I got this. When's your flight? What gate? So on and so forth. • And, • • um, the employee got shoes in that gentleman's size, asked about the color, took them, • • • • drove out to O'Hare, met the guy at the airport, • • • and, • um, said, well, • we'll send you a bill, or we'll put it on your credit card or whatever. • • • • • It's like • • • the surprise and delight going, the extra mile free alterations when someone buys a suit or a dress, um, gift wrapping, those little things that you're not expecting. That's what surprise and delight is all about. It's in the name, you know, it's a pleasant surprise, and it's delightful. • • And so I want to give you a quick aside here before I tell you how to apply this to your school, because I want to really bring this home as to how powerful surprise and delight can be. • • And we. It's about my school. And in the summer of 2014, we had a retention crisis on our hands. We had so many families that left during the summer of 2014, • • • and we did some things. • We did a lot of things, and we worked really hard. • • And two years later, our retention rates were so high, they were higher than the national average for private schools, that we, myself and a couple of my colleagues were invited to speak at a national • convention to talk about how we solved our retention crisis. • • Now, I've taken those strategies, • • and I put them into a podcast episode, episode nine, called eight strategies to increase student retention that actually work. I will link that in the show notes@theprivateschoolleader.com. episode 103. • • So that you can listen to episode nine and get the goods on what we talked about at that convention. But I'm telling you, a big, big, big part of it was surprise and delight and being very intentional about just making sure that these parents felt, • • um, seen, • um, from a client standpoint, but also, you know, surprising them with delightful things. So I'll let that episode speak for itself. You can get that in the show notes, but • let's specifically apply it to the school before we go on to, um, our fourth point. • • • Teachers • can go above and beyond by sending personalized notes to parents after school event. • • The handwritten note that goes home in the book bag or in the, um, assignment pad. • • Um, the handwritten note is something that's very rare. And so then it's a surprise, and it's delightful. And it took time to do. Do our teachers have time to write handwritten notes? Of course they don't. • • Um, that's why it's a surprise. Okay, but for you. Let's apply this to you for a minute. I'm telling you as a person who, for the last. • • • Over • • 20 years, • I've handwritten thank you cards for everyone • • • in my department or my school when I was ahead of school, • • • • • um, and gave them to them the school day before Thanksgiving break. • • Okay. So did I have time over the last 20 years to write • over 50 thank you cards every year? No. • • That's why I start a month early and write three or four a day and schedule it. And, you know, so I'm just saying that • • • • everything we can make an excuse for that we don't have time to do the thing. It just matters how important the thing is. • • • • I think that something that's really, really important is, • um, you know, when it comes to surprise and delight is • to • just noticing things and then acknowledging them. So, like a little follow up email • • thanking the parent for, • • you know, showing up to a meeting or a parent teacher conference, summarizing the key points that were discussed. But, you know, one of the examples that I'll give • • for surprise and delight, • you know, I've talked about this before, where when I warm up my microwave lunch every day, • • • • um, I have a practice • • • where I pull out my phone, • • • I look at my gallery from the previous 24 hours, because when I'm walking around campus, recess, lunch, hallways, in and out of classrooms, I'm taking pictures on my phone. And then I'm sending those off. I'm posting a few on Instagram, but I'm sending those off to the parent. And it's saying on the subject line, nava at recess. Or it's just saying recess. Or it's saying, you know, um, • • Jimmy. Or, um, it's saying science class, exclamation point. And it's just that the parent. Boom. • Um, in the. To line its parent name and then attach the photo, send. Okay. It takes 1020 seconds to do it. And I'm telling you, the surprise and delight aspect of a parent getting a picture of a smiling kid or a kid doing something interesting, or the kid that is • • • reporting that he's struggling at recess, a picture of that kid having a good time at recesse, it's surprise and delight, but it also makes an emotional connection. And I'm telling you, it increases parent satisfaction and it increases retention. Six ways to use Nordstrom way to increase parent satisfaction at your school Okay, • • we are, uh, talking about the six ways to use the Nordstrom way to increase parent satisfaction at your school. Number one, empower employees to make decisions. Number two, use good judgment. Number three, surprise and delight. And number four is listen and adapt to. • So this one's pretty straightforward. Listen and adapt. The Nordstrom example is they actively solicit customer feedback. They make that a huge priority, and they then make changes based on that input. • And then that's often seen in the product offerings and the way that they provide services. • • And so that's the real key when it comes to applying this to school is that we probably, • • your school probably already does something where you're getting feedback. • • If you don't have an annual parent survey, • • • that is a priority. • • • If you don't ask, how are you going to know? • • And I know sometimes smaller schools, when you're a one man or a one woman, show as the principal, um, • • • as the administrator, that that's really hard to do. But it's so important to figure out a way • • to get that parent survey. And if you have a little bit bigger team, then that feedback can be more • • regular. Maybe it's, um, if you're a semester school or a trimester school, • • um, to get that feedback. And sometimes that feedback is hard. I know that • • • you work really hard and then we do the annual survey in the spring and then get those results back in the early summer. • • • And sometimes it's hard, you know, you work really hard and then you're expecting it to be really good and then you get • other, um, • • • feedback. • • • But here's the other thing I want you to know is that you can go through all of the effort of • creating the survey, • • • • giving the survey, getting it back, doing • • some things with the data and so on and so forth. But if you don't • • • do something • with that feedback and then communicate to the parents what you did, • • then it's almost a complete waste of time. Okay. • • Um, there's two things going on here. Number one is that if you don't communicate to the parents what • • them taking the time to do the survey, what that led to, then next year you're going to reinforce that the parent input is nothing valued. But I'm telling you, if you address the concerns and you do some things and communicate them to the parents, your participation rate in that parent survey will maintain or increase because they'll see that their input is valued. So it's not just the survey part, it's the what are we going to do about it? • And then also communicating that to your families. How can we personalize interactions in our school? Well, first of all, learn names Okay, number five, personalize interactions. • So the employees at Nordstrom are • • • trained to • • remember • customers. They're trained in how to remember names, • • remember that customer's preferences, and even create, uh, a personalized, kind of, like, shopping list, but certainly a personalized shopping experience. • • • • • You know, kind of think of that bartender that, you know, sees the regulars come in, and they know already what the persons go to drink of choices, and they start making it as soon as the person starts walking towards the bar. • Um, • • • that's the goal there for the employees at Nordstrom when it comes to that familiarity with their customers and that personal touch. And then that's what keeps them coming back. So how can we personalize interactions • in our school? Well, first of all, for you and for your teachers, we need to learn the names. • • Learn the names of the parents, • • • • especially the newer parents. • They already feel awkward being newer. You know, you. • • • You see someone at a conference and you haven't seen them in two years, and they come up to you and they say hi, and they use your first name. How does that make you feel? • • • It makes you feel great. They remembered you. You know, they know your name. • • Um, you made an impression. Whatever it is, people like to hear their own name. • • And so when it comes to our parents, let's learn their names. Let's use their names. • • Um, for teachers, when it comes to kids, when a kid's out sick for a couple of days, • • I feel strongly that if a kid is out sick for more than one day, there should be some sort of communication from that homeroom teacher to the parent and just say, you know, we've missed Amanda, and, uh, just wanted to check and see if she's okay. I'm not saying they have to do that every single time a kid is out for one day, • but if a kid's out that second day, that should trigger something as far as a, uh, communication, • • personalized attention. • • • • We don't ever want our parents to think I can get that for free in the public school, because usually with private schools, there's a lot of things that we offer. But one of the things that we offer, almost without exception, is a smaller teacher to student ratio than the nearby public school. And so if they're expecting a certain level of personal care and attention, and we're not even coming close to that, then that's when they start to get the wandering eye. And they're looking around at either other schools that are private, that they think do a better job at this, or they're looking • • at the public school or some other option, maybe even cyber school. • • We have these opportunities, • • um, important milestones and preferences for each student, you know, making a big deal when they lose a tooth or making a big deal about birthdays, um, making a big deal when, um, the, um, mom has a baby and the second grader is now the big brother. • • These things making a big deal and celebrating. • • • And just a quick note to the family as far as an email, • • • just congratulations, you know. • • Um, and then just, you know, I've mentioned birthdays, um, you know, just something that's. That's personalized, that notices • • what they want us to know that their child is seen, right? They want us to know. They want to know that they. That their child is seen at school. And when we see their child at school, and our teachers work so hard and they do such a good job of making sure that child is seen. But if all that stays at school and there's never that level of communication so that the parent feels like their child is seen, • • • then they're not going to know and that narrative void will exist. • • • There are ways to fill that narrative void. So • • we want to give them that personalized • • attention, those personalized interactions, and then that brings us to our final way that we're going to apply the Nordstrom way to our schools, and that's create a culture of accountability. • • So, at Nordstrom, they hold their employees pretty accountable for their service, and they have high expectations. They have clear expectations. There's regular feedback from the managers about how it's going. There's conversations. They're holding them accountable. And at our school, • • • I know that sometimes that's hard because • we're so busy that it's hard to hold our teachers accountable. And we're just happy that they're doing a good job and that they're doing what they're supposed to do. • • But we need to establish • • • clear expectations for how our staff interact with the parents • and then • make sure that they're doing it. Hold them accountable. And so, for example, • • • • um, following up with teachers to make sure that they are doing the things that you agreed to do when you were in that meeting. So, you know, • • second, um, grade teacher and you and the parents of this child, there was a meeting, and then there was an action plan that was decided upon. It's your responsibility to follow up and make sure that the teacher is actually following through, because there's nothing worse than going through the discomfort of that meeting, • • • getting it done, getting people on the same page, shaking hands at the end. And it seems like we're moving forward and then maybe with good intentions, but a, um, busy, busy schedule, the teacher doesn't follow through. And now things are five times worse. And so that's one way is to make sure that we keep our promises. • But another way is to just hold your teachers accountable for the stuff that they're supposed to do with regards to parent communication. So a quick example is that at our school, the expectations are. Homework has to be posted by 04:00 p.m. every day. • • Um, the gradebook has to be updated, a minimum every two weeks. • • When you start a unit, um, there's a parent email. That's real quick. Just a paragraph. Hey, we're starting this unit. We just finished up. Blah, blah, blah. Maybe a photo or two. Really excited about this next thing that fills that narrative void about, what did you learn at school today? Nothing. What'd you do at school today? Nothing. • Did you have fun? I don't know. So that start of unit email has filled that narrative void for us. And then three times a year, because we have trimesters, it's the • • • homeroomteacher, um, • • • slash advisor sends, um, an email once a year. Three times a year. Excuse me. Once a trimester. So that's three times a year. The I get your kid the rockstar, um, email is what we call it. So, • um, • • now, those are the expectations. But it's my job to hold them accountable to make sure that they're doing those things. Because let me tell you, if they're not posting homework, that's going to cause stress at home and arguments. Well, no, I don't have homework, and I. Well, get your homework. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, whatever the expectations are • • for communication, we need to hold them accountable and make sure that they're doing a good job. Six ways to use Nordstrom way to increase parent satisfaction at your school Okay, so the big takeaways from today's episode. • • We're talking about the six ways to use the Nordstrom way to increase parent satisfaction. • • Number one, empower employees to make decisions. Number two, use good judgment. • Number three, surprise and delight. Number four, listen and adapt. Number five, personalize the interactions. And number six, create a culture of accountability. • • And I like to end every episode with a call to action. And so I would like for you to think • which one of these six strategies needs the most work at my school • • and then take action on one thing to make it better. • • • • So I just want to remind you • that I can help you solve your biggest problem. • • • And I'd love to work with you one on one. And a reminder that I have two coaching spots open right now. And I just, um, would encourage you to go to the privateskill leader.com coaching. Find out more about how that works. Would love to work with you. Free guide on how to have better meetings with upset parents available at theprivatesleader I want to give you another free gift. This one we've been talking about meetings. This one's called the seven steps to having successful meetings with upset parents. I actually think I mentioned this one earlier in the episode. • • • • This is an eleven page PDF and it gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. You know, every good teacher has a lesson plan. Every good coach has a game plan. But I think that • too many private school leaders don't have a plan when you sit down with an upset parent. Well, you have a plan now and it's at, uh, theprivateschool leader.com meeting. • Seven steps to having successful meetings with upset parents. • • • • • That's a free guide for you over at theprivateschool leader.com • • meeting. Today's show notes are@theprivatescluder.com episode 103 and um, I'd love to hear from you. Shoot me an email at mark dot o dot minkusmail.com. • • • um, if you could review and rate the podcast wherever you listen to it, that helps the algorithm push it out to private school leaders all over the world. We are now in 61 countries. • • Um, we just added, um, Ireland. We just added Kenya and Ethiopia. It's amazing that this, um, you know, this podcast is getting out. And the way that it does is with the algorithm. So if you write a review, that helps. And listen, I just want to say how much I appreciate you and thank you so much for taking time out of your busy week. You're doing so much for these lucky kids at your school, and I just appreciate the fact that you took some of your precious time to join me here today. And I'll see you next time right here on the private school leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.

Sep 28, 2024 • 40min

Episode 102: The 4 Most Toxic Quotes In Private School Leadership

I love motivational and inspirational quotes. My favorite quote is from Maya Angelou: “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. People will never forget how you made them feel.” Words have the power to inspire and motivate us. Unfortunately, words can also discourage us and make us feel hopeless. Some words are toxic. On today’s episode of the Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to discuss The 4 Most Toxic Quotes In Private School Leadership. I hope that you will listen to the podcast for your weekly dose of motivation, inspiration and PD. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference! Mark Minkus If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I help my clients overcome imposter syndrome, set boundaries between work and home and how to actually get important things done instead of having your day ruled by the tyranny of the urgent. Sounds impossible right? It’s not. I can teach you how to make it possible. I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1. Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget. That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide! I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations. George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week! Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode102 Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!! I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks! TRANSCRIPT Welcome to the private school Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the private school leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Menkes. • • So if you've been listening to the podcast for any length of time, • • you probably already know this about me, but I love motivational quotes. I love inspirational quotes, and I've actually talked about some of them, um, right here on the podcast. • • A, um, couple years ago, I did a podcast episode about Nelson Mandela as head of school, • and I think that was summer of 2023. Anyways, um, my favorite quote from Nelson Mandela said, • as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. Just love that quote so much. And • • way back in episode one, • • • I had a section in that episode called live the quote. And the quote that I was referring to was Maya Angelou when she says, people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. And I just love that quote so much. And just one more. And that is from Gandhi, and he said, you must be the change you wish to see in the world. • • And so these quotes inspire us. They motivate us. We see quotes on Instagram, • • and there are a lot of quotes that really can help us and maybe even change our way of looking at things and change our life in a positive way. • • But there are also a lot of quotes out there that do the exact opposite. They discourage us. They make us feel hopeless. They make us feel worthless, and that life is pointless and feel overwhelmed. • • And there are a lot of toxic quotes floating around out there, and some of them happen in our schools. And so, on today's episode of the private school Leader podcast, we are going to discuss • the four most toxic quotes in private school leadership. • • What problem can I help you solve today? So, let me ask that again So, before we get into today's topic, I want to ask you a question. • • • What problem • can I help you solve today? • • • So, let me ask that again. What problem can I help you solve today? And so • • what kind of problems are you dealing with right now? Feeling overwhelmed. • • School, um, • is constantly invading your home life. • • Um, what about your days are ruled by the tyranny of the urgent? • • Um, do you have relentless parents at your school? • • • • Remember, we're talking about problems that I can help you solve. Maybe you're not sure how to take your leadership and career to the next level. Maybe your problem is imposter syndrome, or maybe the problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what's left of you at the end of the day and it doesn't feel like enough. • • • Well, I can help you solve your problem. I want to work with you and help you solve your biggest problem. • • And I wanted to let you know that I have three coaching spots open right now, • and I would love to work with you one on one, and you can check out more about that@theprivateschoolleader.com. coaching and just think about what is the biggest problem, what's the biggest pain point for you right now? • • And I can help you solve that problem. • • Coaching is all about transformation, and it's all about solving problems. And so check it out. Learn more about it@theprivateschoolleader.com. • coaching • • and I want to give you a free gift for listening to the podcast, just to say thank you and support you in your leadership there at your school. And this one is a six page PDF, and it's called the six things that every private school teacher wants from their leader. • • And this is a free guide for you. I think it can be a game changer. I guarantee that if you do these six things, just these six things, that your teachers will be happy to follow you, and you can grab your free guide@theprivatescleader.com. guide that's the six things that every private school teacher wants from their leader that's free for you. Over@theprivateschoolleader.com. • The four most toxic quotes in private school leadership are discussed today guide • • so the four most toxic quotes in private school leadership. • • All right, let's get into it. Number one, • • • • • • • when you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. • • When you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. • Toxic quote number two, • • we've always done it that way. • • • • We've always done it that way. Toxic quote number three, • • • that's on a need to know basis. • • • That's on a need to know basis. • And toxic quote number four, • • • it is what it is. • • • • So what I want to do today is take each of these four quotes, gonna break it down into three parts. I'm gonna acknowledge some things about the quote that might be kind of true. • • • • I'm gonna talk about the problems • • that this quote creates, why it's so toxic, but most importantly, I'm going to give you some solutions • • • with regards to this toxic quote. • All right, so that's the plan. When you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description Let's get into it. Number one, toxic quote number one, when you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. • • • And I've heard this said, um, at my school, I've said it. • • And of course, the idea here is that you do something, • • let's say it's, um, a big thing. • • And, uh, it was a lot of work, and you barely got the thing across the finish line by the time it was due. • • And then • • • • • • • maybe • • • you felt good about it. Maybe you got a pat on the back, maybe you didn't. But the problem is that then that just becomes the expectation • • and that big, hard thing that you did well, when the next year rolls around, then it just becomes part of your job description. • • • • • You can do the impossible, and so then you're going to have more to do. And those people above you, whether it's your division head and your • supervisor, um, • • is the head of school, or whether you're a head of school or a principal or superintendent, and your boss is the board chair, • • • when they see you do the impossible, • • often they believe that anything, you can do, anything, and then more keeps coming your way. • • • So I want to acknowledge that sometimes this quote is kind of true, that you have a full plate. More ends up on your plate. Some of it is just the nature of work in general, that • • • schools grow. If you do a really good job, • • then your school grows, then you have more to do. And if you don't get help or if you don't say, • • um, if you. If you don't, um, say no, or if you're not good at delegating or fill in the blank a lot of things, then that plate becomes more and more full. Okay. And so I just want to acknowledge that sometimes this quote is kind of true, • • • but when you do the impossible, • • • it becomes part of your job description. The reason that that's such a toxic quote • • • is that it's kind of tricky. This quote plays a trick on us, and, uh, I'll explain what I mean. First of all, it kind of feels. • • • Kind of feels empowering at first. It kind of feels like, yeah, I've got this. It kind of feels like • • • this badge of honor that you wear and that you can do anything, you can outwork any problem, and it feels kind of good, • • but • • in reality, • • it just sets an unreasonable standard. And then the goal post • keep, um, • moving. • And you know what I'm talking, um, about. You know, that thing that you used to do • • • that was like a really, really big deal. Now it's just not even thought about. It's just part of what you do. • And that's fine if something else came off your plate, but you and I both know that as a private school leader, • it's very rare for things to come off your plate, and it's very common for more and more to get added to your plate. • • And so the other problem with this toxic quote is, is that it just implies • that you should be able to achieve extraordinary results • • without the right amount of support or the right or, uh, the necessary time in order to get that task accomplished. • • • And then, of course, the third big problem is that when • • • the impossible becomes part of your job description, • • • • • we know that that work does not fit into a school day. • • And that's when • we then are working weeknights, weekends. • • It's the rule. It's not the exception. That's when we're checking email, laying in bed before we say good morning to the person that we share bed with. • That's when the school is like water, and water goes wherever it wants to go, and it will creep into every nook and cranny of your life. • • • • • • When you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. • • • The impossible doesn't fit into the school day, • • and so it's going to transgress on • • all of our time outside of school. • • All right, so we've identified the quote. We've discussed why it's toxic All right, so we've identified the quote. We've talked about why it's toxic. What's the solution? • • All right, first of all, • • we need to stop wearing this as a badge of honor. And I used to do it for years, and I used to say the quote to other people • • when I finished a task or when I was given a task, because it was kind of a badge of honor for me, • • that I can do the impossible, you know? Who can do the impossible? Superheroes. You know? So there's kind of an ego thing. There was, at least for me. And we need to stop wearing that as a badge of honor. • • • We need to, number two, stop and think • • about what doing the impossible is doing to you. I want you to stop and think what doing the impossible is doing to you. • • What's it doing to your physical health? • • • What is it doing to your mental health? • What is it doing to your relationships? • • • • • • • • • I'm pausing. I want you to think. We know it's not good, all right? • And so another, uh, thing to do, stop wearing it as a badge of honor. Uh, stop and think. Number three, solution is to shrink your plate. And you're like, yeah, right. Okay. That's never going to happen. Okay. • • • • Here's what I want you to think about for a minute. • • • • I coach a lot of leaders who talk to me about how when they go out and about in the school, • that they, • • • um, are given a lot of problems as they're going through the school, you know, interacting with teachers, maybe an occasional parenthood, um, colleagues that are admins, um, just a coach, just, you know, • • • and I have two people that are coming to mind recently, just within the past few months, have said that it's gotten to the point where they think twice and then a third time before they even go out and about in the school because they know that they're coming back with several problems. • • And I want you to think about that, and I want you to think about proximity problems and crying babies. And I'm probably going to do an episode on just the types of problems. Um, but there's proximity problems and that is something that's not really a problem, but you happen to be walking by and they're like, oh, hey, well, while you're here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That wasn't a thing that that parent at the soccer game or that teacher in the lunchroom was actually going to talk to you about or send you an email about, but it's a proximity problem because you just happen to be there. Okay. • • • • • There's a way to push back on the, on those proximity problems. Put that in an email and send it to me. That's a way to weed out whether or not it's actually really a problem or not. That's what I say to people all the time if I'm out and about in the school, • • • hey, what about blah, blah, blah? There's no way I'm gonna remember that by the time I get back to my desk. And so I say, hey, put it in an email or put that on the subject line of an email, send that to me, so on and so forth. And now it's on them. And sometimes that will weed out of the, um, actual importance from urgency. When you're out and about in school, people are handing you problems But I mentioned crying babies. So here's what I want you to think about. When you're out and about in the school • • • • and people are handing you all these problems, I want you to think about them as handing you crying babies. • • • • • • • These people are handing you a crying baby. You walk down the hall, someone else hands you a crying baby. So I, uh, want you to ask yourself the question. Is this teacher handing me this problem? • • Are they handing me this crying baby because they've done, done everything, they've tried everything they can do to get this baby to stop crying • • • and they just can't? Or are they handing you the crying baby because they don't want to hold a crying baby? • • • • • • • • Okay, so my point is, is that the problems that we take on. • • • I think that we need to develop a little bit more backbone, a little bit more pushback, because our pattern of just being a helper and, uh, solving problems, and that's what we do for a living, and we're good at it, okay? But • we are enabling • • instead of empowering • a lot of our people. • • • And again, it's stopping and thinking about it and giving a little pushback. And, well, did you try? And so on and so forth. And I know it might be awkward, but you know what else is awkward is the guilt that you feel when you're not interacting with your family or when you're falling asleep during dinner. • • So we need to shrink our plate, and we need to be aware and think about the types of problems that are coming our way that we're saying yes to. And then a couple more here real quick on this toxic quote. When you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. What can we do to, um, solve this problem? • • • Um, just to really stop to think about what is realistic. • • And I know that realistic and I, you know, our jobs, that the Venn diagram doesn't really overlap very often, if at all. But I want you to think about clearly communicating with your board chair or your head of school, whoever your boss is, about how you feel. • • • • • And you say, well, what do you mean? And I'm like, okay. • What I'm saying is, • • if you're feeling overwhelmed • • and constantly stressed and constantly behind, • • • and you feel like you have to outwork every problem, and then you're feeling bad because things are slipping off your plate, and you're feeling bad at, uh, you're feeling bad at school because things are dropping off your plate. You're feeling bad outside of school because you don't have energy or time for the people that matter to you outside of school, and then you feel guilty about that, • • • then that doesn't have to be your life. • • • And • • • I'm not saying that everything is going to magically change. And you might be thinking, well, my boss • • doesn't care. My boss is a hustle culture. Toxic, um, you know, outwork every problem kind of person. Okay. • • • • • The reason I said that, when you talk to them and you just say, this is how I'm feeling right now. • • • If you talk about tasks and you talk about this and that and the other thing, there can be a lot of comebacks from that person and say, well, if you did this or you did that, blah, blah. But in reality, a person can't • • • argue • • with how you feel because your feelings are your feelings. And they're valid. And I've found over the years that when you're trying to stand up for yourself, when you're trying to get a little help, when you're trying to delegate a task that you need, you know, the, um, support slash approval to do that, when you're trying to push back about how many evening events you're going to go to this particular week, • • • that what really moves the needle with most • • • bosses, whether it's the board chair or the head of school, is not to talk about all the tasks and all the hours in the day and all the is to talk about how you're feeling right now. I'm stressed out. I'm overwhelmed. I'm, um, anxious. I don't see my family. I'm falling asleep during dinner. And it's hard to do that. It takes courage to do that because we all want to be perceived as these superheroes. Well, guess what? That superhero outwork, any problem mentality is what leads to us just accepting this quote, that when you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. And that is a recipe for burnout and a recipe for you not wanting to do this for a very long time. • • And I tell you every, • • uh, episode at the beginning that I believe that a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader is possible. • • • • This is one of the ways we're going to get there. All right, that's toxic quote number one. Toxic quote number two. We've always done it this way. • • Now, you probably cringed when you heard that, and you probably are thinking, well, I never say that because it's so cringey, and I hate when people say that. Okay, that's true. • • • Um, but we might not say it out loud, but if it's reflected in our practice, if it's reflected in the way that we work, then • • we are kind of using this quote without saying the quote. We've always done it that way. Toxic quote that says we've always done things this way is problematic All right, so first, I want to acknowledge that when we're super busy • • • doing things the way that we've always done them is how we get through the day. And I'm not even talking about, like, full on survival mode. I'm talking, uh, about just, like, making sure that the school is running, that everybody's safe, and all the teachers showed up, and that all the kids are where they belong. • • Um, and the heat works. Okay, so I get it. Like, when you're super busy, • • • there are things that you do, • • um, because it's how you get through that day. Okay, I get it. • Um, innovation and new ways of doing things, like when your capacity is zero, that's not when you're thinking about new ways to do things. Got it. Okay. Number two, the reason I want to acknowledge that this quote sometimes has validity is because it's very, very comfortable. We are creatures of comfort. We don't really like change. Our brains actually try to protect us from change. And so if we've always done it that way, then, you know, that's comfortable. • • And so, • • • • • you know, we. And then here's the third thing about acknowledging, is that sometimes the way that we're doing a thing • is, is great. It's very efficient. If it isn't broke, don't fix it, that kind of thing. So I'm not saying we have to change everything for change sake. I'm just talking about that. You know, we've always done it this way is, is kind of a toxic quote. Um, and we just need to acknowledge some things about it, but then look a little deeper and see if that's popping up for us in our work, at our schools. • So then what are the problems with this toxic quote? • All right, first of all, it's just signals, • • like a huge billboard, electronic billboard that's blinking in bright lights. It signals resistance to change. • • • And that can be really toxic in our private schools, especially where tradition holds a lot of weight. Sometimes with well established schools, we stand on tradition when really what we're doing And I want to talk for a second about the intersection of tradition and resistance to change. • • • I coach a guy whose school is 160 years old. • • • • • That is some tradition. I mean, they've got some traditions there. Um, • • • • • and they're just like, • • • • • • • • • um, • • • • • • • • it would be sacrilege to say, well, we're not going to do that. I'm not talking about that. Like, if there are traditions at your school, I love traditions. • • I encourage people to come up with new traditions. If you're a, ah, newer school and you don't have a lot of traditions. • • • Um, but sometimes, especially with well established schools, we stand on tradition when really what we're doing is we're resistant to change. Change takes a lot of emotional and physical and mental energy, • • and if we don't have any in reserve, then we're probably not going to make a change. Okay, but the other problem with this quote is, is that when we cling to outdated practices just because they're familiar, then we're stifling the growth of our school. • • And so if we are running our school • • • • the same way that we were eight years ago, • • • then • • we're probably not going to grow, • • • you know, and especially, I know not very many schools that leaders that listen to this podcast, have a school where there's a waiting list, but especially if you're close to full or full. • • And, um, things are going well with finances, uh, • • • and so on and so forth, that, • • • uh, you know, sometimes it's like, okay, well, everything seems to be working, and so it's kind of hard to know. But I feel like if our default is everything's fine, let's just leave everything the way that it is, that we're leaving some growth and some change and some innovation on the table. So what are some solutions to this? All right, first of all, I think it's important to acknowledge that change is uncomfortable. You know, I don't like it. You don't like it? Um, • • I coach a couple people who actually really thrive on change. I'm not that person. • • Um, • • • • I was thinking about, um, • • how • • we just are, • • you know, uncomfortable when. When they want us to change. I heard, • • um, • • a joke about you, um, know, how many, um, people does it take to change a light bulb? And, um, it was like, well, why do we need to change the light bulb? Um, • • • • well, because the room's dark. But you get the idea. And so that's the first thing is to just acknowledge the change is uncomfortable. The second way to kind of get past and to rev yourself up with some, um, energy, um, even if it's false energy, and just kind of like, sort of like that liquid courage, um, when you want to ask somebody out on a date kind of a thing. Um, I just want you to stop and think about the kids, okay. And I'll explain what I mean. Um, • • • and I use. Just want to use a quick example. So there's a YouTube video. You can find it. It's really short. Um, it's a 1980 news report • • of people reacting to new, um, dui laws in their state. • And this one woman, she's like, they're telling us when we can drink and where we can drink, and the next thing you know, they'll make a law that we have to wear seatbelts. • And she's sitting in her pickup truck, and she's got a beer in her hand. And so it was announced in that state, don't know what state it was. • • This is 1980, that drinking and driving was going to be against the law. And then she was saying, next thing you know, they're going to make a law that we have to wear seatbelts. And we, of course, know • • that is a law in all 50 states. Here's my point. • If in 1980, • • • that state • • had not enacted drunk driving laws and had not enacted seatbelt laws, how many people • • • would have died since 1980 because of that? • • • And how many people since the national. Since it became a national law to wear seatbelts, how many lives have been saved? And so my point is that change is uncomfortable in the moment. It seems kind of comical to look back at a news report from 1980 and think that people were all wound up about, um, drinking and driving, becoming against the law. But we could look at all different kinds of innovation, and there's always been resistance to it all along, whether it was the automobile or the personal computer or the smartphone or fill in the blanken. And so we need to think about the kids. What year are we preparing for? Are we just surviving this year, or are we trying to get our school ready for a year in the future? And what are we doing to prepare these kids for that future? Can it be done better? And that's the next one, is just ask yourself the question, could this be done better? Yes or no? • • And then maybe you just have zero capacity right now, but maybe you just start a Google Doc, • • and it's just a placeholder. You know, you're in a situation, maybe it's an event, maybe it's a procedure. Um, • • • • • and it's like, oh, boy, here we go again. We're doing this. Really? Are we still doing this? Are we still doing this the same way? • Um, but then that thought's gonna go away, and that annoyance is gonna go away until it's the next year, and you're at, like, the band concert and nobody can see the kids or the. You're at the, you know, fill in the blank, and no one can hear the kids because the sound system, you know, dot, dot, dot. You get the point. And so I would recommend starting a Google Doc where you can just put it as a parking lot. And then there will be times during the year, maybe it won't be till next summer, when you have a little bit of time to look at that, and you can improve that procedure. You can improve that event at a time, um, when you have a little bit more bandwidth. And then the last thing that I suggest, as far as a solution to we've always done it this way, is • • • • • to schedule 30 minutes a week when you think about things at your school that are going to happen more than one year in the future. • • So let me say that again. • • • • • Proactive leaders, • • • • • • they schedule 30 minutes a week • • • to think about things that are going to happen at your school more than one year in the future. • Here's what I'll tell you. Very, very few private school leaders do this. • • Most of the reasons have to do with time and capacity and all the things you're doing, plus teaching classes, plus covering classes, plus covering in the lunchroom where the person is on medical leave. I get it. But one of the ways that your school will grow is when you start to carve out time. Maybe start with ten minutes a week. Maybe it's just on your drive on a Wednesday morning where you're going to devote that time to think about stuff that's more than one year in the future. And I'm telling you, it will change your school. • • Okay, the four most toxic quotes in private school leadership. Number one, when you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. Number two, we've always done it that way. Number three, • • • that's on a need to know basis only. Alright? So let's acknowledge that some things are actually on a need to know basis. And those would be personnel decisions, • • • things that, um, you know, disciplinary measures, performance improvement plan, the reasons for a termination of an employee, • • • um, some of the financial information of the school. • • • • You know, there are some things that are just not for public knowledge. And I get it. You know, they're as one of the • • drawbacks to being a private school leader is that we make decisions in • • • private • • that have public consequences and then we have to suffer in silence while everyone • • • • • • • second guesses and triple guesses are, um, • • • • decisions. So that's hard. Isolation in a fishbowl. Right. • • • Some schools have a gossip problem and some leaders are reticent to share information So another thing I want to acknowledge is that some schools have a gossip problem. • • • Um, • and so you're worried that, you know, and let's set aside the actual, like, • • • • • • • um, financial stuff, um, and termination stuff and performance improvement plan, personnel stuff. I'm talking about just general information about a new policy or a new initiative or why we're changing this curriculum or why we change the procedure for carpool or this or that. • Um, some schools have a gossip problem and some leaders are just reticent to • • share information because • it's going to be out there in the school community. • • • And I don't mean just a gossip problem internally. I mean a gossip problem where teachers are friends with parents and then stuff is getting out there. I get that and we'll talk about that more in a second. But I would honestly say that I think that there are very few things • • that, um, we need to have them be on a need to know basis. There are very few things that are truly confidential in a school. There are things, • • but I think that we put far too many things in that category for the wrong reasons. Okay. • • And so that will come out here in a moment when I talk about the problems. So what are the problems behind this? Well, first of all, the phrase, um, ah, that's on a need to know basis, • • promotes, um, • • • • • secrecy. It's a lack of transparency. • • It can create distrust and confusion among your staff and your parents, • • and it can lead to resentment that, um, • • he doesn't trust us, she doesn't trust us. Um, it leads to speculation. • • Um, • • • • and then the speculation. • • • You know, uh, I have told you before that a narrative void will always be filled • • • when there's speculation. If there's, um. If there's a void as far as the narrative behind a decision, • • • • • • then that void will be filled with speculation and rumors and gossip. And so I've always found, • • • if it's not confidential, • I try not to over explain. I used to do that years ago, and Washington, that was a real problem for me, was over explaining and over apologizing. But just to explain the rule or, uh, the procedure or the new policy or the rationale behind a decision that's not confidential and to just put it out there and say, I made the decision, you know, if you want to talk about this privately, um, with me, I'm happy to do that. That's, um, the other thing that sometimes we're just like, oh, my gosh, I don't want to bring this up in a. In a meeting, because then, you know, that person, that one teacher is going to make this into a thing. • • It could be that you announce it and then you say, you know what? If you have a question, you know, follow up with me, um, in private. • Um, it just depends on your staff and depends on you. • • Um, you know, that. That we've always. Or, excuse me, the, um, • • • that's on a need to know basis is always. The bottom line is, is it's really. It's really bad for morale in your. In your school. • And so we know why it's bad. Let's talk about some solutions • • first. Uh, of all, ask yourself the question, why am I keeping this information to myself? Why am I not sharing this with my team? Is it insecurity that you have as a leader? • • • Is it a lack of trust of your team? • Is it that you think from a positional standpoint, that, well, I'm the boss, and they should just respect what I decide, and I don't need to explain myself. • • • All right. I'm not saying I'm not going to commentate on any of those reasons. I just think it's important to find out why you're keeping it to yourself in the first place, is ask yourself that question and then tell them what you can, when you can. Um, • • I really believe strongly in that. Tell them what you can, when you can. And I've told my teachers I will always tell you everything that I can and try to do it in a timely fashion. And that's really served me well over the years. • • Um, • • • • what you'll find is that the trust skyrockets and then the speculation • • • • plummets. And I'm not saying it completely goes away, but if you create a culture of transparency • without sharing things that are truly confidential, it can really change your school. Um, if you're going to explain the rationale behind the decision. • • • Um, another thing is that from an integrity standpoint, • • • I used to have a problem with this when I was feeling insecure, that I would say, well, you know, administration decided or something vague about, well, the board or, you know, it was discussed and it was decided, dot, dot, dot. What does that really mean? You know, what I do, what I've done over the last several years is just saying, you know, there were conversations discussed this with, um, the board and with some teachers and blah, blah. And then I decided, like, if it's your division, if it's your school, • I decided, dot, dot, dot. Okay? Extreme ownership. • • That's something that people respect. • • Um, and then • • really just deal with that gossip problem. I hate to say it. I, um, know how hard it is, and I've struggled, um, to deal effectively with that before. And I think that social media has only made that, um, worse. But to just be clear and, uh, to reach for the courage when you don't have the confidence and to address that, one or two people, • • the one or two people that are popping into your mind right now when you're thinking about your school, if you have a gossip problem, • • • um, you know, • • • it's hard to have that conversation. It's hard to hold them accountable. But what's worse is to just pretend that it doesn't exist. • • And, um, other teachers will • • appreciate, um, • • • your • • backbone in trying to deal with that person. And then the last thing on this quote is that the trust that you build by being more transparent will increase morale and on. And it will honestly improve your teacher retention. • • • Um, • • that secrecy • • • and, uh, lack of trust is one of the main reasons that teachers leave. • This quote suggests that problems are to be accepted rather than addressed Okay, then on to the last one, our last of, uh, four toxic quotes. • • • It is what it is, • • • • • • • and what I mean by this is that my life, the way that things are for me as a private school leader, right? Now, my life at school, my life at home, um, my evenings, my weekends, it is what it is, and this is just • • • • • • a resignation and an acceptance. Okay? • • And I want to acknowledge that sometimes your situation does feel like it's impossible to change. And maybe you have a problematic board. Maybe your parents are awful. Maybe your team is young and inexperienced and fill in all the blank. Maybe all of these things are true. • • • • • • • • I want you to try to see why this quote is so harmful • • for you as a leader. And that just takes us right into the problems. And I mentioned a moment ago that it just indicates it is what it is that you've given up. • Resignation, acceptance. • • And what it does is it takes away all of your agency and all of your power to change anything. • • And if you are truly in a situation that's awful, and it is what it is, and then you're just there, and there's no. Literally no chance in changing that situation. And it's taking a toll on you mentally and physically, and it's taking a toll on your relationships. • I • • I don't believe that there's any job that is worth your mental health, physical health, or your relationships. • • • And I get it. You know, you're. You're like, well, you're not in my situation. I have to pay my mortgage and so on and so forth. Well, I have a mortgage, too. • • Um, I've been in that situation before when my kids were little. And it's like, I get it. I stayed probably longer at a certain place than maybe I should have. • • Um, I get it. But I also don't want you to just accept that, well, this is what it is, • and it can't get better. It won't get better. Well, whether we believe something can or can't, we're right. • • And so, • um, it just suggests that these challenges and these problems are to be accepted rather than addressed. Let me say that one more time. • It is what it is says that this situation is to be accepted rather than addressed, and it gives us permission to not deal with any of these problems, • • and then we're not taking responsibility for our peace in this. If we have a peace, we usually have some kind of peace, • • • • and if we say it is what it is, then we don't have to bother trying. Okay. • And so what are some solutions to that? • • • First, uh, of all, I want you to imagine that the issue that you're dealing with is a student was a student issue. • • • • • Imagine the issue you're dealing with was a student issue. So, for example, • • • • • • • if a student is dealing with rising anxiety because of some problems at home, and you know about that and the teachers know about that, and then you just completely ignore that situation. • • • • • • You would never do that, • • but you're doing that with yourself. • • • So the situation that you're dealing with, if it's impacting you physically, emotionally, mentally, • • • • • uh, • • • view it through the lens of what would I do if this was a student issue? • • • • • Because you are just as valuable • as that student. • • • Try and get out of the pattern of thinking that you're in. You're in a pattern. It is what it is as a pattern of thinking. Try to take responsibility. What is my role? What have I contributed to this? And also, what can I do? • • • • Um, when it comes to responsibility, I'm going to link in the show notes at theprivateschool leader.com. episode 102. • • • • • • • Um, I'm going to link, um, the podcast, episode 42, extreme ownership, leadership lessons from a Navy SeAL. • • • Um, and I'm not blaming. I'm not victim blaming here. I'm not saying it is what it is, and it's all your fault. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that, but we do need to change our pattern of thinking. Okay? And then, finally, is to make a list on a Google Doc. These things are in my control. • • These things are totally out of my control. • • And then pick one or two things off of the list that are in my control and take action. • • • I'm not saying it's going to change overnight, but I am saying that if you give up, that you're not going to change anything. • • The four most toxic quotes in private school leadership are discussed in this episode All right, the big takeaways from today's episode, the four most toxic quotes in private school leadership. • • Number one, when you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. Number two, we've always done it that way. Number three, that's on a need to know basis. And number four, it is what it is. • And your call to action for today's episode is to ask yourself which of these four quotes is most true about my work • • • and then take one action this week to get better in that area. I've given you some solutions, some ways to solve, to move forward, to make it better. As far as if this quote is most true about you, • • • • • decide which of these four quotes is most true about your work, and then take one action in the next week • to improve that based on what you heard here today. Okay, just a quick reminder that I have three open coaching spots right now, and I would love to work with you and help you solve, um, your big problem. • And you can find out more@theprivateschoolleader.com. Seven strategies to effectively deal with difficult teachers is a free PDF guide coaching • also, I want to give you another free gift, and this one's called seven strategies to effectively deal with difficult teachers. We were talking about teachers earlier, and so sometimes we need courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. And I think what you need is a plan. And so this guide is a step by step plan to help you work with your difficult teacher, and that's found@theprivateschoolier.com. difficult again, that's a free PDF guide for you. Seven strategies to effectively deal with difficult teachers. Theprivateschoolider.com • • difficult • • and I just appreciate you so much, um, how you, um, take time out of your day to listen to this podcast. I hope it's encouraging and inspiring and motivating for you. And I just want you to know there's lots of us out here that are going through the same stuff. And so just thank you for taking some of your precious time. Join me here today, and I'll see you next time right here on the private school Eater podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.

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