Therapist Uncensored Podcast

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying (or becoming) secure in relationship with those with the most severe sort of personality structure – malignant narcissism. Session 5 – Staying safe with those with high psychopathology or malignant narcissism Accusations are their confessions. In this episode learn why we elect, promote, excuse and love those with malignant narcissism and its tendencies. Sort out the other forms of self-involvement, psychopathology and anti-social traits from this dangerous personality structure. Sue & Ann finish out their series on Holding Your Own with Challenging Personality Traits – this is session 5 of 6. Find more here www.therapistuncensored.com Five Points from Malignant Narcissism: We all have elements of self-centeredness and narcissistic traits. However, when it becomes more engrained into our personality structure, that is where the problems can arise. Narcissism, at its core, involves a sense of entitlement, exploitation and extreme self-focus that loses touch with one’s ability to see the needs of others. Grandiose and covert narcissist can become so self-involved that they can completely dismiss others in extremely painful ways as discussed in our previous episodes. However, they generally continue to hold relationships in value. Their primary difficulty lies in the tendency to idealize and devalue, which often leads to feeling misunderstood and mistreated. Thus, they can lack guilt because they often see themselves as right or the victim to injustice. However, when they do discover that they have wronged someone, they can feel significant guilt and shame. In malignant Narcissism, there is a general void of guilt and shame. Instead, there is a combination of antisocial traits, paranoia and vindictiveness that often leads to acting out in intentionally harmful ways. In Malignant narcissism the value placed on others is primarily based on utility – what others can do for them. The relational aspect is void. They do not have access to guilt of felt shame. This has been cut off. Malignant narcissist expects extremely loyalty at all costs. Loyalty to them, not to ideals.  If you are with me you are with me! If not, you are against me. This type of thinking leaves open rational for retaliation and extreme  vendictivness.  One way to know if our relationship, family, company or country is being run by a malignant narcissistic ruler, is to recognize that those under them are in a constant state of fear and threat of the disloyal “other”.   In many countries across the world, including the US, we have found ourselves and our nervous system in a constant state of threat and fear. This divides us. The “other” is a source to mistrusted to be fought against.  One sign of a malignant narcissist is the cool and coldness with which they can seek revenge in a calculating manner. If you are in a relationship and you see signs that he/she justifies revenge for mistreatment, that is something to take not of, especially if this revenge is sought with a sense of pleasure at the suffering of the other. If in a relationship with someone that has malignant narcissism, there is little hope of change. The focus must be for you to protect yourself, seek support and safely get out of the relationship. They may use their sense of loyalty and disloyalty as a weapon to keep you in. Remember, loyalty should never involve fear of retribution.  As we finish out this series, we know you  now have a good understanding of some of the challenging styles to engage in relationship and we’ve saved the toughest for last.  In this episode we sort out the difference between self-centeredness, narcissism, anti-social personality and malignant narcissism. This series builds on itself so we recommend that you listen to the previous sessions first before jumping into this episode, but if that isn’t your cup of tea, then by all means, the episode will be solid on it’s own.  To start at the beginning & hear the previous episodes in the series click here: Session 1 (Messy but secure), Session 2 (grandiose narcissism), Session 3 (covert narcissism) or Session 4 (borderline traits)  Power dynamics in this form of narcissism  Difference between anti-social characteristics, psychopathy and malignant narcissism. Differentials between the types of narcissism – keys regarding how to discriminate between covert grandiose and malignant. Hallmarks – vindictiveness malice & cruelty Warning to therapists – empathy can be a sign of weakness not connection Intense initial courting may be a foreshadowing of control. What does shame and guilt have to do with how challenging personality traits show up? Projected relationality as the bridge to staying trapped Knowing your truth The biology of threat and induction to passively follow a “strong” leader  Resources – Hey friends – we know most of you aren’t in this situation but if you are we want to be a resource.  We can’t say if you should or shouldn’t leave – that’s a highly personal and seriously safety-dependent question.  However we can say that we believe you, you aren’t alone, and there is support once you get ready for that. United States:  Click the image to the left for help! Not in the US, no problem:  International lines for domestic violence help click here  Many areas have local resources so look for those as well.     Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People Jackson Macenzi Grindell et al Gaslighting: Recognize the Narcissist, Learn How to Spot Emotional Abuse, Protect Yourself and Heal From Malignant Narcissism (NPD) Aubrey Scrivelor Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself Shahida  Abrabi Traumatic Narcissism Daniel Shaw “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility Ramani Durvasula POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse Shahida Arabi  Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents Linday Gibson PhD The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers  Karle McBride PhD Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse Shannon Thomas LCSW Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair(2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott (This is Sue’s favorite textbook on attachment currently) OK friends if you have found the bottom of these show notes then you are our people.  Find us on Facebook @austinshrinks and from there, join for free our discussion community. If that is not enough, consider purchasing our signature (4 hour!!) course and use “ourclan” to get a discount on enrollment.  It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala Advanced Course Connecting the Science of the Mind to the Amygdala  Finally, we invite you to join our patron Neuronerd community for some occasional bling and behind the scenes stuff, as well as helping to keep us Ad-Free!!!   Thanks for stopping by – we really appreciate you and hope this show provides even a tiny inspiration. xo

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying (or becoming) secure in relationship with those with those with “borderline” traits Session 4 – Staying secure in connection with borderline or highly reactive responses When does sensitivity cross the line into clinical reactivity? Borderline traits, or those with highly reactive personalities, are another common challenge in relationship that we might need support to navigate well. Today’s episode sees co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott unpack high reactivity through a caring and developmental approach. Together, they discuss how these dynamics and traits arise, what they look like, and what we can do when we find ourselves in relationships with them. Find more here www.therapistuncensored.com/episodes Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott have launched a new series titled “Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities.” Together, they’ll sort out the differences between the various forms of narcissism – grandiose, covert and malignant, as well as look at what has been called borderline traits. The goal of this series is to bring you the skills and practices that help you ground and stay in your secure self no matter what is swirling around you. This series builds on itself so we recommend that you listen to the previous sessions first before jumping into this episode, but if that isn’t your cup of tea, then by all means, the episode will be solid on it’s own.  To start at the beginning & hear the previous episodes in the series click here: Session 1, Session 2, and Session 3. High Reactivity (or borderline traits) Neurological implications Especially women historically have been harmed by this label. It takes the treating professional off the hook and blames the patient. However now we know a lot more of what to do how to treat it. Better technology. It’s not moral.  To be clear, these people aren’t just being dramatic or “overreacting.” In their felt experience there really is a crisis happening. Most commonly, this happens when someone is overly trusting or attached, and then perceives a loss or abandonment due to mismatched perspectives. Without doing normal tracking of the situation they can perceive a change or even as happening all at once in a big way. In this way, individuals with high reactivity experience two different types of self that flip back and forth quickly, an idealized experience and a de-valued experience. This can often express itself through deep and dramatic mood swings. Sometimes even this can result in self-harm, or threats of self-harm. So what can you do about borderline or high reactive personalities? As with all things, stay focused and centered. It won’t help anyone if you blow up in response to someone else’s panicked reaction. In fact it will only escalate the situation and cause everyone to go into a highly defense state. That being said, attune to yourself, ask yourself what this experience is evoking in you? Recognize that their reaction is hard on you, and then recognize them. Don’t lose yourself in trying to appease them or hold them. Try and return to honest communicate. Attune to each other and take everyone’s pain or fear seriously. Remember, this is not just a silly or “ridiculous” overreaction but instead a real felt experience that they are having. You’re not going to let someone abuse you or disrespect you, there’s definitely a limit that you’re going to have. But at the same time, it’s important to have a bit of thick skin and comfort and care for the other person. Remind both yourself and them that this experience you’re having together right then isn’t all that there is to a person, or a relationship. Nobody fits in a box! In this series we set the stage and call out pathological use of labels and diagnosis.  We begin with secure but messy relating and then wade into the various traits that can become personality based on degree.   Resources “Get Me Out of Here” by Rachel Reiland  This is an excellent book although it’s older, a first-hand account of the healing trajectory written by woman who identifies as borderline.  Fascinating and hopeful… recommended read. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201909/the-drama-loving-borderline   Skills Training Manual for BPD Marsha Linehan Affect Regulation…. Peter Fonagy et al Traumatic Narcissism the Relational Systems of Subjugation by David Grey Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair(2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott (This is Sue’s favorite textbook on attachment currently) This is not our first rodeo, see these previous episodes on the subject: TU105: Narcissism – What’s Going on Underneath the Defense?  TU107: Our Powerful Fascination with Narcissism in the Era of Trump OK friends if you have found the bottom of these shownotes then you are people.  Find us on Facebook @austinshrinks and from there, join for free our discussion community. If that is not enough, consider purchasing our signature (4 hour!!) course and use “ourclan” to get a discount on enrollment.  It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala  Finally, we invite you to join our patron Neuronerd community for some bling and behind the scenes stuff, as well as helping to keep us Ad-Free!!!  

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying (or becoming) secure in relationship with those with covert narcissism. Session 3 – Staying secure in connection with one kind of narcissism:  covert narcissism When does self-consciousness and self-reflection cross the line into self-preoccupation? Covert narcissism is also called thin-skinned, vulnerable, depressed or closet narcissism. It’s a real thing but unlike grandiosity, it’s quite hard to spot!  Think about it – if you feel when you walk in a room everyone is looking at you – admiringly or judgmentally, either way – that is a narcissistic fantasy. Today’s episode follows the other side of grandiosity. Find more here www.therapistuncensored.com/episodes Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott have launched a new series titled “Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities.” Together, they’ll sort out the differences between the various forms of narcissism – grandiose, covert and malignant, as well as look at what has been called borderline traits. The goal of this series is to bring you the skills and practices that help you ground and stay in your secure self no matter what is swirling around you. This series builds on itself so we recommend that you listen to Sessions 1 and 2 first before jumping into this episode, but if that isn’t your cup of tea, then by all means, the episode will be solid on it’s own.  To start at the beginning & hear the previous episodes in the series click here: TU132 HYO Session 1 Messy but Secure Relating  and TU133 HYO Session 2 Grandiose Narcissism. Covert Narcissism It has so many different names:  vulnerable, thin-skinned, depressed narcissism… it’s a real thing but unlike grandiosity, it’s quite hard to spot!  That’s why they call it “covert.” Sometimes, somebody in the corner that looks like they’re avoiding and shunning attention can make us focus our attention on them. There is an ability to be very loud while staying very quite. What’s the difference? Why are they both called Narcissism? Covert narcissism is something many of us can relate to – super self-conscious about imagining everyone judging us – negatively.  Yet it’s still special, just negatively special.  We all do that at times but it’s a matter of degree – how self-centered and self-focused are we? All narcissism is about our relationships with shame. For grandiose narcissism, shame is projected out into other people. But in covert narcissism, shame is being pulled in from all around us as another form of being exceptional. Because of the way covert narcissism uses shame, it is also sometimes called depressed narcissism. So what’s the difference between depression and covert narcissism? Depression is often an utter depletion, a flatness in your body where you feel empty, but still have a sense of self. Simply put, it’s you that’s bad. Cover narcissism on the other hand pushes those feelings outward, and often losses the sense of self. It’s more of a feeling of bitterness and like something was done to you. Simply that it’s the world that’s bad to you. Often, this is associated with achievement. A covert narcissist might thinks they must be the most attractive in the room, and if they aren’t that, then they are at the bottom of the pile.  They’ve tied their sense of self and their self-esteem to the approval of others. This really comes from how we’re valued through our development. If we’re valued because of what we can bring to someone else, it’s really hard to feel the development of a true sense of identity. Instead, a covert narcissism unconsciously needs to bring the negative attention towards themselves to create rescue ie attention, thus providing a sense of worthiness.  Sounds odd we know, but it’s true.  They are highly sensitive to rejection and overly personalize – there you can see the narcissism, it’s all about them and their injury. How can you tell you’re dealing with a covert narcissist? If you’re being used to maintain someone else’s self-esteem that signal of narcissism in general.  If not getting filled by that extension, there is a desperate sense of emptiness right below the surface. Importantly, a covert narcissist can often come across as the victim which can initially bring out a lot of sympathy. Really ask yourself, how many people are in this relationship?  Are you orbiting the other, walking on egg shells?   In a relationship with a covert narcissist you can really lose your own sense of self and own identity. You can become afraid of celebrating your success, or feel the need to downplay an achievement of yours in order to not upset your partner. If you start to hold yourself the other person may feel threatened at the differentiation. What can you do in the face of covert narcissism? Most importantly, we should help people with covert narcissism find their sense of agency. This includes an imperfection. Instead of identifying the external situation that was done to someone, we can turn towards identifying their own role in a situation. Challenge the internal narrative that they are the victim of some external harm.  The idea is to build up their own sense of self and creates a more complete identity not tied to other relationships or people. In fact, if we join with their experience too much, and are overly agreeable, that can often aid the feeling of victimization. When you move to hold the other person at the expense of you, usually trying to protect their feelings, it doesn’t help move out of the narcissistic dynamic. Also, you can start to hold your own. Take a breath, maybe one or two or ten, and settle down to avoid just getting into a fight. Don’t just push off and leave them high and dry with their envy or pain, but also make sure you’re not going to collapse completely and protect their feelings. The big take away from all of this is helping people move into a stable in-between space. You aren’t the greatest best person ever, but you also certainty not the worst. We’re all human, with our own identities and imperfections and that’s all okay! Why a podcast series? Our normal episodes serve as great snack packs of information about a wide range of topics, but don’t often let us go into as much depth as maybe we could. We had originally planned to create a course on narcissism and healthy relationships that would really allow us to dig deep and unpack this all at a level that a regular podcast just wasn’t able to do. But given the nature of the content and the times we’re living in we decided to bring you all that course FOR FREE in the form of this new mini-series that we’re doing here at Therapist Uncensored! We’re still working out all the kinks on this new format for all of you so feel free as always to hit us up with any feedback on how this new format is working! Our plan is to release episodes much more frequently through the series and then go back to our every other week format. Nobody fits in a box! In this series we set the stage and call out pathological use of labels and diagnosis.  We begin with secure but messy relating and then wade into the various traits that can become personality based on degree. Resources This is not our first rodeo, see these previous episodes on the subject: To start at the beginning, listen to the previous episodes in the series: TU132 HYO Session 1 Messy but Secure Relating  and TU133 HYO Session 2 Grandiose Narcissism. The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse Debbie Merza TU 111 Navigating Narcissitic Relationships Manipulation Gas-Lighting and Grandiosity Called Out  TU107: Narcissism – What’s Going on Underneath the Defense?  TU107: Our Powerful Fascination with Narcissism in the Era of Trump TU 23 Building Grit through Self-Compassion with Kristin Neff Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair (2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott (This is Sue’s favorite textbook on attachment currently) Traumatic Narcissism the Relational Systems of Subjugation by David Grey

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying secure in relationship with those high in narcissistic, borderline or anti-social traits. Session 2 – Staying secure in connection with one kind of narcissism:  grandiose narcissism Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott have launched a new series titled “Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities.” Together, they’ll unpack how to navigate strained relationships during and after this pandemic. The goal of this series is to bring you the skills and practices that you can use right now to get to secure relating and if not that, helping you ground and stay in your secure self no matter what is swirling around you. If you want to start at the beginning, listen to the first in the series:  TU132 HYO Session 1:  Messy But Secure Relating Grandiose Narcissism Today’s episode breaks down one of 3 types of narcissism, and later in the series they will address the other kinds. There’s always a judgement, even if the verdict is positive, there is an evaluation happening.  Difference between self-aggrandizing moment and more problematic self-oriented relating – one is environmentally influenced, the other is just the way it is, always. You value people for what they can do for you, it’s a transaction noi a real relationship. Trouble with: Apologies Gratitude Greek version of the myth: Narcissus, was the son of River God Cephisus and nymph Lyriope. He was known for his beauty and he was loved by God Apollo due to his extraordinary physique. Narcissus was once walking by a lake or river and decided to drink some water; he saw his reflection in the water and was surprised by the beauty he saw; he became entranced by the reflection of himself. He could not obtain the object of his desire though, and he died at the banks of the river or lake from his sorrow. According to the myth Narcissus is still admiring himself in the Underworld, looking at the waters of the Styx. Narcissistic Extension This is when we have learned to support the other person’s ego by giving them what we know that they want. As kids we get highly skilled at reading a scene, knowing the unspoken and responding as wished. This is part of what causes the injury to the self, because in the midst of all that, where the heck are You? If a child turns to their own needs and that parent feels that as a Break and is activated by it, it’s suddenly unsafe to tune in to their disapproval or distance. So we’d rather give ourselves up than lose our connection. Defenses in Grandiose Narcissism Idealization and devaluation – to be close you tend to be in one of these spots, and they can flip really fast.  It’s an outward expression of assumptions they may be making about themselves and their own value. Shame core but not conscious. Narcissistic supply – people are used to fill you up but then are expendable. They may report high self-esteem and low neuroticism because they don’t carry a lot of conscious internal conflict. The conflict – if any – is interpersonal which is WHY IT’S IMPORTANT TO HOLD ON TO YOUR SECURE SELF. Holding on to Secure Self Take a deep breath, and whatever you do… Don’t project relationality into someone non-relational, it’s bad for both. See them as they actually are, and that can be painful.  It’s courageous though, and the beginning of taking your evaluation of what you are getting from this person and what you need. Don’t put up with demeaning, devaluing or abusing you. Standing up to them can be dangerous in various ways, but for now we will focus on relational / emotional danger.  There is a feeling of threat to differentiate, and you might get cut off, but having a Self is the only way to move it into a more secure relational dynamic.  Otherwise they have no incentive to change because internally they see themselves doing pretty dang good.  Disabuse them of this delusion. Hold you, also hold them, and stay strong. You may have to protect their ego and face save, but that’s ok if you are moving from a one-down to a shared mutual position.  Help them let you up and share power, initially at least. The 3 signs of hope:  The person recognizes what they are doing is a problem. They see the negative effect on the other and sincerely want to change that behavior. They will ACTIVELY do the HARD WORK to change the problem behavior. Hopeful or not, you say:  1.Yeah, I am sarcastic and yell too much for your liking, so what, that’s just me.  You knew it when we married.  Get over it. 2.Yeah I see that you are sensitive and get your feelings hurt, and I really should try to be more careful with your sensitivity.  But geez i’d like you to be less damn sensitive. 3.You are being ridiculous, look at what I do for you and this family. 4.Damnit I did it again, didn’t I?  I said I’d ask your opinion before deciding and I didn’t.  Let’s rewind, I’ll cancel it and let’s start again together.  I’m sorry I am just kinda on autopilot and so used to running things myself, but it’s good to have co-pilot!  I just gotta remember you can fly this thing too, and we are a team.  Who knew?. 🙂 The most hopeful statement above is obviously #4, recognition, apology, awareness of impact on you and willingness to go back and work on it.  The other 3 are clearly embedded in the grandiosity and are low on empathy. How to hold on to yourself, let’s use examples. 1.Yeah, I am sarcastic and yell too much for your liking, so what, that’s just me.  You knew it when we married.  Get over it. HYO response: Well hon we both have changed quite a lot over the years, so I am not giving up on us continuing to grow.  Whether you think your sarcasm and yelling are ok in general is up to you, but I am telling you it bothers me.  It affects me and for us to stay close, I need you to keep me in mind, ok? 2.Yeah I see that you are sensitive and get your feelings hurt, and I really should try to be more careful with your sensitivity.  But geez i’d like you to be less damn sensitive. HYO response example:  I may indeed be too sensitive (hold eye roll just let them save face for the moment), but even so you hurt my feelings and you’ve said you would work on how you speak to me.  I don’t need perfection, but you committing to be more caring to me makes a big difference.  It’s going to help us be close and is so good for our son to see. 3.You are being ridiculous, look at what I do for you and this family. HYO example – (Deep breath, take the time you need to gather yourself).  You do work really hard, you are great provider.  We both work super hard, actually, and what I am asking for is reasonable.  However it’s not at all ridiculous to want you to take little Johnny to soccer today, you are his father and want to be close with him.  If you can’t this time, I’ll work around it, but let’s plan at a later time how to divide these tasks in a way that is good for both of us. Now dear reader, do come up with your own:  What’s YOUR version of staying strong in yourself (not collapsing or attacking)?  Aim for the middle of the triangle, not victim, perpetrator or rescuer… instead you are caring, have good boundaries and are aware of and take responsibility for your own pain. Stop to think of it by using your own examples where someone has been low on empathy, high on self-centeredness.  Practice responding in a HYO way! Say it outloud, try different versions, keep it up…. until it feels more comfortable.  The goal isn’t just to point out the others grandiosity or selfishness, they don’t have to see it right now.  The goal is to hold on to yourself and seeing that in them may help you stay strong.  You deserve to be loved, now do just that for yourself. Why a podcast series? Our normal episodes serve as great snack packs of information about a wide range of topics, but don’t often let us go into as much depth as maybe we could. We had originally planned to create a course on narcissism and healthy relationships that would really allow us to dig deep and unpack this all at a level that a regular podcast just wasn’t able to do. But given the nature of the content and the times we’re living in we decided to bring you all that course FOR FREE in the form of this new mini-series that we’re doing here at Therapist Uncensored! We’re still working out all the kinks on this new format for all of you so feel free as always to hit us up with any feedback on how this new format is working! Our plan is to release episodes much more frequently through the series and then go back to our every other week format. Nobody fits in a box! In this series we set the stage and call out pathological use of labels and diagnosis.  We begin with secure but messy relating and then wade into the various traits that can become personality based on degree.  Resources This is not our first rodeo, see these previous episodes on the subject: TU 111 Navigating Narcissitic Relationships Manipulation Gas-Lighting and Grandiosity Called Out  TU107: Narcissism – What’s Going on Underneath the Defense?  TU107: Our Powerful Fascination with Narcissism in the Era of Trump TU 23 Building Grit through Self-Compassion with Kristin Neff 5 Conditions that Promote Secure Attachment handout by David Elliott provided to Therapist Uncensored. Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair (2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott (This is Sue’s favorite textbook on attachment currently) Five conflict resolution styles in couples   by John Gottman  

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying secure in relationship with those high in narcissistic, borderline or anti-social traits. Session 1 Can my messy and loud relationship qualify as secure functioning?  It’s not that easy to tell. Most of us have never felt as uneasy as we all do right now. Maybe it’s your job or lack thereof, or your kids melting down trying to figure out school chaos with COVID, your significant other’s depression or anxiety, or trying to take care of your parents.  But the stakes double-down if you are close to someone with a challenging personality.  Don’t cringe, we aren’t going to over-simplify, pathologe or blame the other person.  That’s the normal pop-psychology fare and it doesn’t help either party – the person googling to get help with strained and challenging people, or the person who mostly inadvertently makes it hard to be close.  We use system thinking to look at everybody’s part, empowering you to consider and take the necessary actions to improve your circumstance. If we do this correctly, in the end you will understand yourself better, have a sense of how you got here, understand the other with clarity and compassion, and be ready to improve things.  That may be a new energized focus on yourself, a safety plan, couples work or the courage to leave and stay gone. Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott have launched a new series titled “Holding Your Own.” Together, they’ll unpack how to navigate strained relationships both during and after this pandemic. The goal of this series is to bring you the skills and practices that you can use right now to make sense of yourself, and the people around you. In this way, we can build and maintain secure and healthy relationships and improve every aspect of our lives. Why a podcast series? Our normal episodes serve as great snack packs of information about a wide range of topics, but don’t often let us go into as much depth as maybe we could. We had originally planned to create a course on narcissism and healthy relationships that would really allow us to dig deep and unpack this all at a level that a regular podcast just wasn’t able to do. But given the nature of the content and the times we’re living in we decided to bring you all that course FOR FREE in the form of this new mini-series that we’re doing here at Therapist Uncensored! We’re still working out all the kinks on this new format for all of you so feel free as always to hit us up with any feedback on how this new format is working! Our plan is to release episodes much more frequently through the series and then go back to our every other week format. Nobody fits in a box! In this session 1 of the series we set the stage and call out pathological use of labels and diagnosis.  We begin with secure but messy relating.  What is secure relating? Secure functioning couples can look quite volatile or pretty chilly, so how do you know what is healthy working things out and when things turn more destructive? David Elliott and Dan Brown’s 5 conditions which build secure attachment. of a secure relationship, we’ll use the anagram PASSED. Protection: Does your partner, or whoever you’re in a relationship with, have your back? Not all the time or during every fight, but just in general. Attunement: Is your partner paying attention to you? Do you know their inner life and vice-versa? Are you aware of each-others mood states? Soothed: If you’re upset, can your partner comfort you? Are we calmed by the presence of our partners, or again whichever relationship we’re looking at? Support: Do each of you support each other in being your best selves? Can the relationship stand some differentiation? Does your partner help you grow in and of yourself? Expressed Delight: Do y’all like each other? Are you happy to see their car in the driveway when you get home? Dan Siegles 4 s’s reinforce this point Safe Seen Secure Soothed Discussed the 4 types of couple conflict validating volatile conflict-avoidant and hostile. Your relationship with any one person won’t stay in the healthy or unhealthy zone all the time. Instead it’s about finding and naming patterns of behavior, and trying to actively shift those patterns towards things thaSat we want. This episode is really about laying the groundwork for future episodes in this series, and introducing y’all to our new format. Stay tuned for more ASAP! Resources 5 Conditions that Promote Secure Attachment handout by David Elliott provided to Therapist Uncensored. Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair (2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott (This is Sue’s favorite textbook on attachment currently) Five conflict resolution styles in couples   by John Gottman     https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu59-dismissing-avoidant-styles-of-relating-in-adulthood/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu60-preoccupation-in-relationships-signs-and-solutions-to-anxious-attachment/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu61-its-not-crazy-its-a-solution-to-an-unsolvable-problem-disorganized-attachment/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu111-navigating-narcissistic-relationships-gaslighting-manipulation-and-grandiosity-called-out/ Need CEU’s??  We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan  GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN!  – To get more of this kind of in-depth discussion with quality content and real-world healing – join us on FB where you can find more of your peeps.  Want even more than that?  Join our Neuronerd Patreon community at patreon.com/therapistuncensored for as little as $5 per month.   Join us now.

Together we can protect our hearts from freezing in bitterness, drowning in sorrow, lashing out in justified rage or worse, disconnecting.  Fight the exhaustion that comes with relentless crises  surrounding us now. Dr. Ann Kelley & Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP reach out to you directly during this time of crisis exhaustion and total burnout.  Love & connection cannot be stopped by fire, storm, guns or people in temporary power. Our stress response system is done coping yet we have to go back to work.  You may have kids that should be at school that are at home – probably acting out because they are thrown into virtual school (?!?) and that is enough for any adult to implode.  You may have young adults that are supposed to be headed into the world that are circling in and out, trying to find their way yet you can’t help them, where do you point?   You may have vulnerable family you can’t go see to comfort, friends you have drifted from without normal social exchanges, despondency due to our world on fire. For many, you may have intense family cut offs due to political polarization at a time we need each other and our kin.  Honestly ya’ll life sucks right now and people are doing what they do when they regress and burnout. Sue and Ann come to you today with a huge virtual hug no matter who you are or where you are tuning in from.  They are aware of their unearned privilege and don’t imagine they know what it’s like for the more vulnerable among us.  These multiple world crises are hitting black indigenous people of color and young people especially hard.  They are being hit from every angle – reduced access to healthcare, centuries of colonialism that leaves unseen trauma in communities that get passed down through generations.  Many start with cumulative unrecognized trauma to their very bodies.  This ignored pain leaves them more susceptible to multiple health concerns, so it’s no surprise that BIPOC are more vulnerable to serious stressors and consequences from current COVID 19. Regardless the results of the US election, the next climate storm or the next murder of unarmed people of color, most of us will have to wake up the next day and have no choice but to just have to go on.  Alone, our hearts are collectively breaking. Together… there is at least a chance we can emerge with enough life to grab on to one another. Our nervous systems aren’t built for marathon-level stress events. Today’s episode is a small attempt at protecting your tender human heart from freezing in bitterness, drowning in sorrow, lashing out in justified rage or worse of all… just disconnecting. So, what is Therapist Uncensored podcast all about? We have fun translating the complex relational sciences and psychology into understandable and practical tools that can give you the power you need to uncover your best self. (Believe us, your people will be so happy.) We will help you understand how to update and reset your unconscious expectations of yourself and others. These changes can have life-changing impacts on your mind, your choice of partners, your parenting, your social relationships, your work life and how you interact in the world. Sounds too good to be true, but fortunately the science is very clear, and hopeful… and we want everyone to have access to it. Need CEU’s??  We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan  GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN!  – To get more of this kind of in-depth discussion with quality content and real-world healing – join us on FB where you can find more of your peeps.  Want even more than that?  Join our Neuronerd Patreon community at patreon.com/therapistuncensored for as little as $5 per month.   Join us now.

People are profoundly bad at predicting their own attachment status, and if you are trying to do that you are headed in the right direction.  🙂  That sort of mindful inquiry is part of attachment security – learn more in today’s episode about what the Strange Situation can still show us. Learning about attachment can be scary – it’s easy to find the labels and grab & go, holding on to traits as an identity.  Am I insecure?  Is my partner?  Oh my God I know I’m screwing up my kid!!  In this episode, Bethany Saltman joins co-host Sue Marriott to bring you surprising good news.  They explore her story of digging into the origianl attachment research that is captured in her new book, the Strange Situation A Mother’s Journey into the Science of Attachment. Together, they dive into the hidden history of attachment theory, what it means to be a parent, and how we can each become more secure. GIST:  A scared non-therapist parent went on a journey to learn how to deliver the best for her child, but in the process uncovered so much that even most attachment-oriented therapists don’t know.  Her tale brings Mary Ainsworth’s work to light and gets us back to the basics when it comes to promoting security.  It all boils down to a few important things… Who is guest Bethany Saltman & why her? She can teach non-therapists and therapists alike a thing or two about attachment. Bethany Saltman is a writer, a communications director, and a mindfulness mentor. She’s a practicing Zen student, and a mother, which is what sparked her interest in mindfulness and attachment. While she doesn’t have a PhD or any fancy letters after her name, she is a great contributor to and promoter of attachment understanding and the fine art of paying attention. What is the Strange Situation? The Strange Situation is the original attachment research begun in the 1970’s conducted by Mary Ainsworth.  She was a colleague of John Bowlby and the first to empirically test his ideas about attachment and bonding. The famous protocal basically involves the parent of a toddler ultimately stepping away leaving the child alone for a few minutes. Observers carefully observe the toddler’s reaction in a one-way mirror and are looking at the child’s reaction to the separation, their play and most importantly their reunion.  The most important part of the Strange Situation is what happens when the parent comes back in the room. How long does it take for the child to calm back down? How does the child treat the parent who left?  The answer to this array of questions turns out to be the foundation of the attachment categories. The Attachment Categories Most basically:  Secure and Insecure. More specifically Secure, Anxious-Avoidant Insecure, Anxious-Ambivalent Insecure and later… Disorganized/Disoriented. Ainsworth’s student Mary Main confirmed her suspicion of the 4th category and went on to develop measures of attachment in adults that turn out to be related to those in childhood. Therapist Uncensored’s Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley have talked about the adult version of attachment using a spectrum rather than quadrants.  They do this to help bring the research to life and make it practical for use in session and in the lay public’s real life.  Listeners of the podcast will recognize this foundation in the Modern Attachment-Regulation Spectrum that helps see the interaction of attachment styles and regulatory states with one another. Ainsworth’s work validated Bowlby’s ideas in an observalbe way and really put his theory on the map.  It has since been repeated prolifically – and is considered universal regardless of their socioeconomic status, national background, or parents parenting style. The good news People are profoundly bad at predicting their own attachment status, and if you are trying to do that you are headed in the right direction.  🙂  That sort of mindful inquiry is part of attachment security. So what can I do with the research? Surprisingly, the best way to help ensure your child has a secure attachment is to attune to YOUR OWN experience. Being able to be present, both with your child and with yourself, dramatically improves the way your child relates. As parents, we can’t give what we don’t have. We can’t be present with our kid’s needs and emotions if we can’t be present with our own. So learn to explore and probe and think deeply about your own messy feelings and experiences! Humans have complex emotions and reactions and that’s all natural. But trying to ignore or push off those messy parts will only make it harder to relate and connect with not just your kids but also the other adults in your life. Resources www.bethanysaltman.com TWITTER: @bethanysaltman INSTAGRAM: @bethany_saltman Guess what? Her book STRANGE SITUATION: A MOTHER’S JOURNEY INTO THE SCIENCE OF ATTACHMENT (with a Foreword by Dr. Dan Siegel) was named One of the Best Science Books of 2020 by New Scientist! And BOOKLIST gave it a STARRED review! Washington Post said it’s one of ten books to read in April. It’s available now! Like this episode, here are a few more you may be interested in… https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu09-minding-your-relationship-three-mindfulness-exercises-to-practice-with-your-partner/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu128-helping-the-intense-child-the-nurtured-heart-approach/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu125-parenting-under-stress-dan-siegel-tina-payne-bryson/ Need CEU’s??  We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan  GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN!  – To get more of this kind of in-depth discussion with quality content and real-world healing – join us on FB where you can find more of your peeps.  Want even more than that?  Join our Neuronerd Patreon community at patreon.com/therapistuncensored for as little as $5 per month.   Join us now.

Love is not a soft feeling, it is “deep biology.”  Oxytocin research pioneer Dr. Sue Carter joins co-host Sue Marriott to unravel the mystery of Sue’s favorite neuropeptide.  You may have heard of oxytocin in the popular press, it’s often called that “love drug.” You’ll hear that t’s story is a bit more complicated than just that, as it also helps us protect and defend from intruders, and heals our body physically. Also learn in this episode about the intricate molecular dances of oxytocin and vasopressin.  These dance with each other to fine-tunes social activities such as parental care and protection.  They also helps us heal from trauma and come together after crises – so this is truly – powerful – medicine. Dr. Carter and Sue Marriott go through its origins, complex biological function, and most importantly – how to turn up natural oxytocin! Who is Dr. C. Sue Carter? Dr. Carter is a Distinguished University Scientist and Rudy Professor Emerita of Biology at Indiana University and is literally the person who originally discovered the important role of oxytocin. Forty years ago she embarked on a personal scientific journey that bridged together her interest in both biology and psychology, and now her work has been cited in over 25,000 scholarly articles.  Recently, she has been examining the role of these neuropeptides in psychiatric and neurological disorders such as autism and depression.  She shares in the episode that she is proud to be married to Dr. Stephen Porges, neuroendroconolgist who developed the Polyvagal Theory so popular these days among relational neurobiology informed therapists. What is Oxytocin? Oxytocin is a biomolecule and neuropeptide with an important role in childbirth, nursing, social bonding and social defenses.  Most people know it as the bonding molecule in your brain. While it does do that, it’s also involved in all kinds of other biological processes. Oxytocin is used in our immune systems, for food intake, to heal wounds, and even prevent and treat cancer! You can understand it as a universal hardware, which our bodies can access with all different kinds of software. But what does it do? Often we think of oxytocin as just the chemical that helps connect parents and their babies. However, it has a much more complex function. Interestingly, its original function was to help us be social and connected to others. Specifically, it worked to build up the attachment between mother and child. In this way, oxytocin helps promote growth, restoration, creativity, and closeness. But that’s not all it does. Uniquely, it became a key part of our bodies stress response pathway. It began to be used to separate threats from non-threats. With this one little molecule, our brains would both connect with our family and defend us from outsiders. This happens because your body can sometimes misread the bonding signal, and perceive your situation as a threat to your loved ones. Of course that reaction then makes us want to be defensive and protect our family. Because of this paradox sadly, we can’t just put this little powerhouse in the water and make us all happier. Also unique is the way that it interacts with sex hormones in our bodies. Together, those different hormones can really change the way the body responds to oxytocin. So then how can we safely get more Oxytocin? The easiest way to produce more oxytocin is to be with an actually safe other. Our brains are primed to see babies and young animals as very safe, and often they are. Crucially, you can’t fake safety. Your brain can spot a fake smile with a blink! So it’s important to really be present and attuned to the person you’re with to help you both co-regulate. Turning towards therapy, if a client can genuinely feel safe with their therapist, then it can begin to do its own healing. Holding ourselves in that safe place long enough to move out of defensiveness and towards connection and warmth is key. And even though too much oxytocin at the wrong time could cause a defensive reaction, your body is really good at self-regulation. You protect yourself from too much of a good thing naturally from the main risks of taking oxytocin if it’s produced naturally. Resources Love as Embodied Medicine – open source article by Dr. Carter from the International Body Psychotherapy Journal The Kinsey Institute ebook Feb 20 V4 – 8449  The Biology of Love, Observations from the Kinsey Institute by Dr. Sue Carter Talks between Dr. Carter and Dr. Porges on Stephen Porges Website Dr. Carter talk on Love as Embodied Medicine Enjoyed this episode?  You will probably be interested in these as well: TU Episode 93: Polyvagal Theory in Action – The Practice of Body Regulation with Dr. Steve Porges (clickable link) TU Episode 102: Finding Neurological Safety Through Relationships with Guest Bonnie Badenoch (clickable)  TU Episode110:  Story Follows State – Investigating Polyvagal Theory with guest Deb Dana (clickable link) (Can you BELIEVE the resources we’ve cobbled together?!?  Seriously we are proud of this library of content – please share freely and rate/review us to help others find this good stuff ok?) ****************** CEU’s??  We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan  GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN!  – We have pledged 50% of all corporate profits & merch sales (very fun swag!) to organizations that support mental health access to those traditionally left out of mainstream healthcare.  We can only do that with the help of our Neuronerd private community. By joining as a Neuronerd premium subscriber, you get a dedicated ad-free feed, deeper dives into select content and first shot at very unique study opportunities. If we’ve provided value then please check us out, poke around, make sure you feel comfortable and then join us today!

Skeptical of the buzz about psychedelic-assisted therapy? What if you could get the benefits of therapeutic psychedelics without ingesting any drugs?! Trey Ratcliff may have just the answer to non-drug, mind-expanding experiences that can help us heal. We’ve been interested in the resurgence of research but have been waiting a while to do an episode on psychedelic-informed therapies until we were confident about which we speak.  🙂 We are skeptical ourselves about something that is purported to be a panacea by some, but also very excited about the potential benefits the research seems to be pointing towards.  Plus… anything consciousness-raising – official therapy or not – is a good thing.   So, when Sue stumbled upon Trey Ratcliff’s Machine Elf creations we knew this was the way to begin the conversation with our audience. In this concluding episode of Season 4, co-host Sue Marriott is joined by photographer, artist, and consciousnesses-raiser Trey Ratcliff.  They dive right into the exotic world of mind-enhancing experiences.  This includes both psychedelics but also non-drug experiences that can bring the promising results that are emerging from carefully studied psychedelic research. Together they explore the history and effectiveness of drug-assisted therapy, address possible drawbacks, and attempt to explain what the mechanism is that can make these molecules so life-changing. Who is Trey Ratcliff? Trey Ratcliff is an artist on a mission to help spread consciousness and mindfulness to the world through photography and creativity.  He has been an inspiration to Sue for years with his teachings about photography and life in general.  He runs the #1 travel photography blog in the world, StuckInCustoms.com, where his photos have been viewed by 140 Billion (yes, B -illion) people. In addition to having the first and only HDR photograph to hang in the Smithsonian Museum, Ratcliff builds molecule-free psychedelic experiences using his background in Computer Science and Mathematics.  Please do check out his work, you will be inspired. What counts as a psychedelic experience? Importantly, there are two types of mind-enhancing treatments. First:  Drug-Assisted Here, a trained counselor or therapist monitors an experience in a safe environment Unlike other drugs, psychedelics aren’t just a form of escapism. They can help facilitate deep personal insight and growth. Currently, the FDA is in multiple Stage 3 and Stage 4 clinical trials of various psychedelic molecules. Ketamine is already in use and MDMA is on the fast-track for FDA approval due to the powerful therapeutic effects they are finding. Once those trials conclude, it is likely that this could become a widely available form of therapy, with other molecules to follow. Second: Drug-less Ratcliff creates art videos with custom binaural music that can be enjoyed alone, or for best results paired with an app called Tripp.  With this app and VR goggles, you can immerse yourself in a true virtual reality experience that potentially replicates the benefits of psychedelics without requiring the drug. These videos are built with complex fractal patterns set to music and are designed to be an immersive experience. Surprisingly, research is emerging that these naturally induced experiences can produce similar effects to a drug-induced experience. It is being researched now, but these intense immersive intentional meditations may indeed be able to produce the same key calming and settling effects. There are other forms of such non-drug-related transformations such as deep breath work, sweat lodges, native rituals that expand our mind, and many others. What is the mechanism for the benefits that psychedelics provide? Trey Ratcliff and Sue Marriott discuss the 2 schools of thought on what is transformative about these mind-altering experiences.  Is it the drug itself, or is it what the unconscious delivers when freed to communicate in another form to our conscious self? Why do we care about psychedelics? Importantly, psychedelic experiences can help us break out of our ego and connect with a deeper part of ourselves. Specifically, they can amplify and enhance our experience of consciousness. Our brains can work like ski slopes with deep ruts that we’ve built up over the years. A psychedelic experience can clear the path and help you think and express yourself in new ways. In this way, they can foster new relationships with ourselves and the world around us. Furthermore, years of data show that healthy psychedelic experience can be a short-cut for therapeutic treatment.   Trey’s Machine Elf Creations This is a see it to believe it bc it’s hard to describe.  Check them out here – we like the softer, “nicer” one’s but if you let yourself experience a few of them they will draw you in, especially if you start with the prompted stories and let your mind expand with them.  That is the Rorschach-part of the experience. Some important comments First, even though there are a ton of well-documented benefits to psychedelics, there are no guarantees in therapy. We imagine the technology will exist eventually to be able to identify different mind-expanding molecules for different mental health needs, for example, a specific PTSD experience that challenges one’s world view but the research isn’t quite there yet.  We are promoting the idea of efficiency and effectiveness in treatment, and if these mind-enhancing experiences can safely speed up the painful therapeutic process and add consciousness to the world – then we are all for it.  This is not evangelical, pro-drug propaganda saying everyone should trip (even though that is a cool thought) Also, when exploring different psychedelics for the first time it is important to be very careful. An experienced guide can help keep you grounded and ensure you’re taking what you’re supposed to be taking. Your experience could backfire without that presence. Psychedelics can be like fire, if you don’t respect them they can burn you, but if you take some simple precautions they can be beautiful, fun, and emotionally energizing. References Machine Elves on YouTube created by Trey Ratcliff Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) Program “How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence” by Michael Pollan Trey Ratcliff’s website for Stuck in Customs His Twitter page Adam Gazzaley’s Neuroscape Website Looking for CEU’s??  We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan  GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN!  – Want more of this kind of in-depth discussion with quality content and real-world healing – join us on FB or better yet, join our Neuronerd Patreon community at patreon.com/therapistuncensored for as little as $5 per month.  For $25 a month – we will meet you in person via zoom and feature you as our Co-Executive Producer on our website. Plus, everybody gets more cool content and some Therapist Uncensored bling at random times and be part of our community so you can discuss the relational sciences in-depth with your like-minded peers.  Join us now.

Emotionally and behaviorally challenged children can overwhelm any parent or system. In this episode, we’ll go over where many parents go wrong, what we can do instead, and how shifts in our strategies can revolutionize our households.  Learn the strategies of the Nurtured Heart Approach with expert guest, Elizabeth Sylvester. Dr. Elizabeth Sylvester joins co-host Dr. Ann Kelley as they unpack the 3 “stands” of the NHA approach for relationship-focused engagement with children and teens. We learn that with the right attunement, and a bit of practice, we can form new and deeper bonds with our children that result in long term behavioral and emotional changes. Learn more about real-life application of IPNB and the relational sciences in general by visiting us at TherapistUncensored.com Who is Dr. Elizabeth Sylvester? Dr. Elizabeth Sylvester has worked with children, teens, parents and families in the Austin area for 35 years.  She is experienced with both inpatient and out-patient work, and has worked in non-profit, treatment center and private practice settings. Locally, she is known for the effectiveness of her work using the Nurtured Heart parenting approach. Also, she has extensive experience treating behavior disordered children, ODD, ADHD, adoption, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, divorce, and attachment. Over the past 15 years she has built her experience training and supervising pediatric psychotherapists.  Dr. Sylvester is the co-founder and co-owner of Austin Child Therapy, a support service for child and family mental health practitioners, which provides advanced clinical training and other services to clinicians. Why the Nurtured Heart Approach? It is a framework for parenting that works to reclaim a relational energy with our children. With this approach it changes the emotional tone of the family. Also it creates a more cooperative and uplifting family environment. The Nurtured Heart mindset creates a deep internal security in the family system. It helps everyone in the unit regulate and reset their big swings in emotion to bring everyone together in a more complete way. Creating and celebrating the success of the children helps them have a full heartfelt ownership of their abilities and gifts. What is the Nurtured Heart Approach? This approach consists of three “Stands”: First, no energy with negativity. Instead of blowing up at a child when they do something wrong, the Nurtured Heart approach seeks to maintain a calm and clear correction. Maintaining a simple and low energy environment around mistakes helps ensure that the child can feel more trust and more connection. Second, high energy with positive encouragement. Whenever the child does something right, even small steps in the right direction, you can increase engagement and your energy. This helps the child really feel the presence of their own success. In this way, everyone learns that connection and engagement are all centered on positive behaviors and not negative ones. Third, total clarity about expectation. Just because we praise positive behaviors and give low energy responses to negative behaviors doesn’t mean we can’t be strict. The Nurtured Heart approach requires a consistent and predictable enforcement of the rules. In this way, the parent becomes a predictable and stable source of love and energy for the child. The Nurtured Heart Approach has been shown to be extremely effective in helping almost all children (and families), including those diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, and other high intensity behavioral, emotional and academic struggles. Families using this approach have been able to reduce their need for traditional child-centered mental health approaches and medical interventions. Where can you find more? “Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach” by Howard Glasser The Children’s Success Foundation Dr. Elizabeth Sylvester’s Website Related Episodes: TU38: The Blended Family – How to Create Strong and Lasting Step-family Relationships TU125: Dan Siegel and Tina Payne-Bryson – Parenting Under Stress