The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

On the show today, I am thrilled to be joined by my great friend and colleague, Rhian Lockard. Rhian Lockard is a multi-certified life coach, an empath, an ordained interfaith minister, a certified life coach, and an expert on emotional abuse. She currently runs a program called Divine Communication, in which I am enrolled, and it helps you connect with your spirit guide, your intuition, and so much more. Rhian seeks to support people in courageously cultivating their best lives with gentleness, guidance, and love, and feels a calling to her work.   Show highlights: Rhian discusses how you can recognize if you’re enduring emotional abuse including having a sense of never feeling like things are ok in your relationship. Rhian says one way to judge whether or not a relationship is abusive is to ask yourself if it feels safe to bring up problems you see in the relationship and to be aware that an abuser will seldom admit any fault or will not follow through on working on solutions. Emotional abusers will use your vulnerability against you and will shame you for the ways in which you’re asking them to uplift you. Rhian says an abuser wants something different from a romantic relationship than the victim does. An average person wants true connection, true intimacy, and love. Abusers seek someone to be subservient. Emotional abusers may make you feel like you can’t spend time with family and friends you love.They want to isolate you from voices of reason. Rhian says that often times, your abuser will strip away your own sense of belief in yourself and make you not trust your own reality. Kate shares that it can be incredibly difficult to leave an abusive relationship and that it often takes someone 8 tries to leave. Kate and Rhian discuss the Kavanaugh hearings and show the dynamics of emotional abuse during them. Rhian suggests to break away incrementally because it may just be too much for you to handle all at once. Tell yourself that you’re being emotionally abused, sit with it a while, and tell yourself it is not ok. Rhian says there is no playbook for how you handle this, it’s just about what works for you. Kate shares that the very last thing you should do is to go to your abuser and tell him/her that you’ve figured out they’re an abuser. Rhian tells us that your abuser wants all of what you have to give and they do not want you to give it to anyone else. Rhian suggests that if you’re serious about getting help, then get help. Don’t tell your abuser you’re getting help or he/she will dismantle it. Remember...it’s not your fault that you’re in an abusive situation, but it is your responsibility to save yourself. Seek assistance.     Connect with Rhian Lockard: Website Rhian on YouTube Facebook Instagram   Am I the Abuser?  A video in which Rhian tackles the idea that people have made mistakes in their relationships and therefore feel like they deserve abuse — or worse, might be abusers themselves.   Connect with Divorce Survival Guide Website Facebook Instagram To find out more about how I work with clients, click here. To take the two-minute Should I Stay or Should I Go quiz, click here.

In this episode I interview psychologist, author, and speaker, Dr. Valerie Baker who pioneers healing Patriarchy Stress Disorder™ (PSD)--the trauma of 1000s of years of oppression imprinted in women's DNA. Dr. Valerie calls PSD the invisible inner prison that keeps women from experiencing their ultimate success and happiness. In over 20,000 hours of her work as a therapist and coach to successful women, Dr. Valerie has guided thousands of women's PSD jailbreaks. She helps high-achieving women who're sick and tired of sacrificing their health, sanity, and love lives to heal PSD so they can finally marry their professional and personal success and happiness--and fully enjoy it. ********** Discover how Patriarchy Stress Disorder™ (PSD) is affecting you: www.psdandme.com Ready for your PSD jailbreak? Apply for a complementary session with Dr. Valerie Baker to create your jailbreak plan: www.jailbreakstrategy.com Looking for another awesome podcast? Subscribe to Her Success Radio on any podcast app or at www.hersuccessradio.com   Find Dr. Valerie on social media: Facebook Instagram

This week I bring on a Divorce Coach who specializes in the legal aspects of divorce. Jason Levoy is a former divorce attorney turned divorce coach who helps people navigate the divorce process from an attorney's point of view. He works with both people who have attorneys and those who don't. He is the creator of the most comprehensive online divorce coaching resource on the internet, DivorceU. You can learn more about Jason at www.jasonlevoy.com. We talk about:  The pitfalls of the legal system How to choose the right attorney Whether or not you actually need an attorney for your divorce Divorce as a business transaction and how it doesn't mix with emotions The movie Divorce Corp ...and more!! Jason's special gift to you: How to Co-Parent with an A-Hole! ******************* Where to find Jason: www.jasonlevoy.com Facebook Instagram Twitter LinkedIn Pinterest

In this episode, I discuss the top reasons marriage end, and break down what I believe are deal-breakers in each category:  Infidelity Addiction Lack of support Communication issues Money problems Lack of individual identity Unrealistic expectations I also tell you about my wine-tasting vacation with my mom, and how my ex-husband helped me get a brand new $3,000 mattress FOR FREE!!! ********************** Mentioned in this episode: Al-Anon Family Groups How to ask directly for what you need around the house  (plus scientific proof we do more work) If you think you're doing more in the house, and your husband says he's doing enough, use this Chore Audit to find out once and for all. Book a consult with me. ($50 non-refundable fee applies)

In this solo episode, I talk about coming out of a pretty dark depression, and then move on to how taking personal responsibility can be the most empowering thing you can do for yourself, your marriage, and your divorce. I tell the story of when I was in nursery school and was told to apologize and literally couldn't, do a pretty amazing impression of my mom, and tell a really personal story about what having been molested as a child taught me about personal responsibility and growth. Mentioned in this episode: The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron The Madwoman in the Volvo: My Year of Raging Hormones by Sandra Tsing Loh

Quentin Hafner, a dedicated Marriage and Family Therapist from Orange County, dissects the tough question of whether to stay or leave a marriage. He shares his six non-negotiables for healthy relationships and explores the three most common reasons people choose divorce. Intriguingly, he highlights the statistics behind marriage failures, particularly the role of women in ending relationships. Quentin’s insights on emotional fulfillment and the necessity of mutual support offer vital guidance for anyone grappling with marital dilemmas.

This week on the podcast, I interview Jessa Zimmerman, a licensed sex therapist and couples’ counselor.  Jessa specializes in helping couples who have a good relationship but who are avoiding sex because it’s become stressful, negative, disappointing, or pressured.  We had a great chat about whether or not an unfulfilling sex life is reason enough to end a marriage, and how to jumpstart it without it being too fucking awkward. We also talk about mis-matched libidos, the sexual avoidance cycle, porn and so much more! Needless to say, it’s a juicy one! ******************** About Jessa: Jessa is a licensed sex therapist and couples’ counselor. She specializes in helping couples who have a good relationship but who are avoiding sex because it’s become stressful, negative, disappointing, or pressured. Jessa educates, coaches, and supports people as they go through her 9-phase experiential process that allows them real world practice in changing their relationship and their sex life. She does this work through in person therapy in her office in Seattle, online therapy for Washington residents, her Better Sex podcast, and her soon to be published book, Sex Without Stress. www.jessazimmerman.com www.bettersexpodcast.com www.sexhealthquiz.com Facebook group: www.seattlecouplescounselor.com/community   Mentioned in this episode: David Schnarch – Passionate Marriage Esther Perel – Mating in Captivity

I brought my friend Deb Cooperman on to talk about what she calls her blended, extended upended family. When Deb met her ex husband, he had a one-year-old son, and in this episode she talks about the experience of co-parenting as a step-mom, and how her relationship with her ex, her step-son and his mom evolved over the course of their marriage, through their divorce, and beyond... Deb's story is one of what's possible when three or more people really do some hard work on themselves in order to get through the harder feelings and into acceptance, and even love.  About Deb: Deb Cooperman is something of a “writing evangelist” – as a workshop leader, and founder of The Writer Babes, she's been inspiring and encouraging women to use the powerful but simple practice of writing for personal growth for over 15 years. That's because writing is the best tool she’s found to help women stop the all-too-common knee-jerk habit of apologizing for nearly everything in their lives; to bust through perceived imperfections and ‘not good enough’s; recognize the messages and expectations they’ve internalized; shine a light on blind-spots, and help them claim their wisdom, strength, power, and intuition, and live more mindfully, intentionally, and awesomely. So if you've watched a boatload of TED talks and Super Soul Sunday episodes, read a ton of self-help books, followed a bunch of inspirational coaches on Instagram, and listened to podcast after podcast after podcast ... but you're still feeling like something's missing – that the dots just aren’t connecting – Deb wants you to know that writing is an amazing tool  to help you dig in to your experience, discover more of yourself on the page, and take a stand for a life you want to live.  For inspiration, tools, stories, pop culture references, poetry interludes, and all sorts of fabulosity to inspire and help you start your own writing practice or deepen your existing practice find Deb in these places: Website Instagram Facebook

In this episode, I interview Lyena Strelkoff. Lyena is a transformation coach, storyteller, and speaker passionately dedicated to advancing the way humans respond to change, challenge, and adversity. A lifelong dancer paralyzed in a hiking accident, Lyena’s entire life was elevated, not in spite of paralysis but because of it. Lyena is the creator of The Shero’s Way™, a modern, feminized approach to adversity that turns challenges into catalysts that catapult us upward. Lyena isn’t divorced, although she does tell us the story of how her parents’ divorce affected her. But I want you to listen to her story from the perspective of transformation. Listen for how Lyena transforms what could have been — should have been — the worst experience almost anyone can imagine into something full of grace and opportunity. And listen till the end where we discuss how this does NOT mean not acknowledging pain and suffering, but rather embracing all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

This episode is about holding strong boundaries when telling your spouse that you want a divorce. I lay out how I work with clients to prepare for this really difficult conversation, how not to allow your spouse to hijack and control the narrative, and how to not take responsibility for things you know aren’t yours, even when your ex insists they are. In the intro, I talk about Mother's Day. How they've been in the past, and how it was this year.  Hint: I spent it with my ex and his wife... and it was truly LOVELY.