The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

This week we are talking about the differences between narcissists, abusers, and sociopaths and why (or why not) those differences even matter. I received so much positive feedback when Annette Oltmans was on the show last time that I invited her back to explore this topic with me. Annette's personal experiences of prolonged emotional abuse in marriage and her extensive journey of recovery including comprehensive field research into the topics of Original Abuse and Double Abuse® ignited her passion for founding The M3ND Project in 2016. Show Highlights What is the difference between narcissists, abusers, and sociopaths and does it matter? (6:28) Why it is important to look at the way someone makes you feel as opposed to focusing on a partner's diagnosis or label (9:02) The maze of confusion and what it is like to be in a conversation with an abuser (13:53) All narcissists are abusers but not all abusers are narcissists (14:13) Annette shares the Pillars of Abuse (26:08) How to know when an abusive partner is truly working to change their behaviors. For one: they will have setbacks but still show longstanding evidence of change (40:00) Communication problems are not the core issue of abusive relationships (46:39) Learn more about Annette Oltmans: Annette Oltmans is a philanthropist and passionate human rights advocate. Annette's personal experiences of prolonged emotional abuse in marriage and her extensive journey of recovery including comprehensive field research into the topics of Original Abuse and Double Abuse® ignited her passion to founding The M3ND Project in 2016. While seeking the help of professionals and responders, she experienced Double Abuse® in the form of spiritual and institutional abuse. These harmful encounters compelled Annette in her relentless pursuit for solutions that involved interviews with hundreds of victims and survivors. She uncovered common threads that cause victims prolonged states of confusion as well as what ultimately led them towards healing. Her journey also involved interviews with hundreds of faith-based leaders and therapists which led her to discover that most are untrained and ill-equipped to identify and help victims of emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. In working to prevent and remediate such harm, Annette developed protocoled models that are now being taught and implemented with therapists, churches and professional organizations across the United States. She consulted with esteemed experts in abuse, trauma, and healing to ensure the materials align with the highest professional standards. Annette also serves on the Board of Pepperdine University's Boone Center for the Family and is a Board of Trustee member of Northrise University in Zambia. Her writing on these topics of abuse, domestic violence, and bullying has been published in the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), Teen Vogue, and numerous other publications. Annette is also a contributing author in the newly released book, "Created to Thrive: Cultivating Abuse-Free Safe Communities". Resources & Links: Information and links can also be found at: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/abuser-narcissist-sociopath-with-annette-oltmans/ Get on the list to be notified about Group Coaching!The M3nd Project WebsiteTools and Resources from The M3ND ProjectThe M3ND Project on FacebookThe M3ND Project on Instagram The M3nd Project on YouTubeThe M3nd Project on Twitter The Maze of Confusion TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: THE REVISED SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? PROGRAM An online coaching program designed to help you make the right decision about your marriage...once and for all. In this groundbreaking online coaching program, you'll unlock the support, education and deep transformational work you need to finally answer to your most burning question: should I stay or should I go? JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

Lena Derhally is back on the show! Last time we talked about social media narcissism and other harmful effects of using social media. This time she joins me to talk about Chris Watts, who was the topic of her book My Daddy is a Hero: How Chris Watts Went from Family Man to Family Killer. On August 13, 2018, Chris Watts murdered his pregnant wife Shanann and two young daughters. Why is this story important for all to hear and especially those listening to this podcast? It's important because it's a case study of narcissism and the warning signs we all might miss. In Lena's book (and this episode) Lena pieces together the crime, the events leading up to it, and her beliefs about the "why." Lena Derhally is a Washington DC-based licensed and Imago certified psychotherapist in private practice. She is the author of the Amazon True Crime and Criminology bestseller, My Daddy is a Hero: How Chris Watts Went from Family Man to Family Killer, and the forthcoming pop psychology book, The Facebook Narcissist: How to Identify and Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from Social Media Narcissism. Show Highlights What led to Chris's confession of murdering his wife and children (5:59) Psychopaths don't have the same empathy or attachments as others, but they can learn to mimic the emotions and experiences of others around them (15:05) How to use this story as a way to protect yourself or spot red flags (24:14) The shame and blame of victims of intimate partner violence (43:21) Once a partner starts devaluing you, it is time to question what you want/don't want from your relationship (54:22)

Christina McGhee is back on the show! She joins me to talk about the language we use around divorce, co-parenting, and raising our children. The language we use can be damaging to our children, so this is such an important conversation to have and I hope you get a lot out of listening to it. In fact, even as a professional in this space, I have recently learned how to shift my language about divorce topics. Words matter and the way we convey our ideas do too. Christina McGhee, MSW is an internationally recognized divorce parenting expert, speaker, and author. Whether she is speaking, coaching, or writing her goal is to disrupt the status quo, and change divorce for the better by helping families redefine themselves in meaningful ways. Show Highlights The way we talk about co-parenting with children by using the term "visitation" and why it's a terrible term to use (5:53) When parents focus on what's "fair" for them, children internalize that their actions must be "fair" in order to make their parents feel ok (12:05) What is wrong with the word custody, how it affects children, and why parenting time is a better term to use (21:10) When we talk about equitable time-sharing arrangements, we are talking about equal responsibility, plus Christina talks about the off-duty and on-duty parenting model (26:57) Why treating time with children as a commodity (50/50, 60/40, etc.) is damaging (39:59) What is wrong with referring to your co-parent as your ex (51:53)

Allison Raskin's book Overthinking About You is the first of its kind that talks about dating and mental health. This week, Allison joins me for a conversation about talking to a potential partner about mental health topics, why caring for your mental health when dating is important, and some tactical strategies to help you be better prepared to tackle dating and relationships with confidence. Allison is a comedian, a mental health advocate and the host of the popular "Just Between Us" podcast, and co-creator of a YouTube channel by the same name. Join us for this insightful and important conversation. Show Highlights Why talking about dating and mental health is not commonplace (and why it should be) (2:14) How to open up about mental health with a potential partner (9:45) Creating a safe space for dating and caring for your mental health (12:35) Allison stresses the importance of self-soothing techniques before you start dating (18:16) Online dating tips and strategies (40:25) Learn more about Allison Raskin: Allison Raskin has written and developed multiple TV shows and created the original scripted podcast Gossip. A vocal mental health advocate, Allison also runs the mental health-focused Instagram account @emotionalsupportlady. She knows the challenges of navigating romantic relationships with mental health issues firsthand. She was diagnosed with OCD at 4 years old and also lives with a general anxiety disorder. Resources & Links:Information and links can also be found at: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/overthinking-about-you-with-allison-raskin/ Allison's websiteAllison's bookAllison on Instagram Emotional Support Lady on Instagram Just Between Us podcast TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: THE REVISED SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? PROGRAM An online coaching program designed to help you make the right decision about your marriage...once and for all. In this groundbreaking online coaching program, you'll unlock the support, education and deep transformational work you need to finally answer to your most burning question: should I stay or should I go? JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

Have you ever wondered what it's like being a child of divorced parents? This week, Bella Duncan of a Kid With Two Homes joins me to share her experience as a child of divorce. She shares her experiences of divorce, separation, and family conflict. Bella is determined to make a change for the better. She has gone between two homes since her parents divorced when she was three years old. Growing up in two homes, she experienced firsthand many of the issues children of divorce face as a young adults. I learned a lot from my conversation with Bella. She is so smart and insightful at such a young age. She is truly remarkable. Show Highlights Why Bella stresses the importance of communication skills between kids and their divorced parents (8:35) What high conflict means to a child of divorce and how it feels to be the child in the middle (12:47) "Being in the middle makes you feel like you are responsible for your parents' conflict." (15:52) Accepting your parents' divorce is an ongoing process and something you have to consistently work on, even as a young adult (22:47) A reminder that your child's perspective about your divorce can be vastly different from your own (25:09) Why a child should never feel responsible or guilty about spending quality time with their parents (32:03) How parents can do better for children of divorce (39:18) Learn more about Bella Duncan: Bella is an empowered kid of divorce who is determined to make change for the better. Currently, at 23, Bella has recently completed a Bachelor of Law and a Bachelor of Psychology. Bella has gone between two homes since her parents divorced at age three. Growing up in two homes, she experienced firsthand many of the issues children of divorce face. As a young adult, she was inspired to provide a helpful resource to help kids of divorce feel seen, heard, and less alone. Resources & Links: Links and information may also be found at: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/a-kid-with-two-homes-with-bella-duncan/ Submit your questions for a future Q&A episode!A Kid with Two Homes Bella's Packing Instagram video postBella on Instagram

Leanne Oaten is back on the podcast! Listeners loved her previous episode so much that I invited her back to talk about what happens after you get out of an abusive relationship. We discuss the post-separation aftermath, which many women are not prepared for. Once all the dust settles and the reality sets in, questions and emotions bubble to the surface. We explore all the complexities of what happens when you re-awaken to life after domestic abuse. Leanne is a former counselor who helps women decide whether to stay or leave their toxic, abusive, narcissistic relationship without wasting time going to therapy. Show Highlights Why women begin to question the abuse that transpired after they get out (4:11) Using apps is a good solution for co-parenting with an abusive ex (9:57) The emotional aspect of what lies on the other side once you've separated (14:10) How to prepare for the what happens to you emotionally and physically after leaving an abuser (19:19) Setting boundaries and understanding where to draw the line - also realize you aren't going to do it perfectly (24:44) You can be friendly with a co-parent but you don't have to be friends (28:37) Learn more about Leanne Oaten Leanne Oaten is a former counselor with over 9 years of experience coaching and supporting clients. After working in the counseling field in private practice for several years, she decided to go virtual with her business to serve women all over the world. She educates and guides women who are experiencing narcissistic abuse to end the cycle and get clarity on whether to stay or leave. Leanne Oaten founded Awakening Women Support in 2018 to begin sharing her unique and no bullsh*t perspectives on the patterns of narcissistic abuse and posts daily over on Instagram at instagram.com/awakeningwomensupport. Resources & Links: Information and links can also be found at: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/what-happens-after-you-leave-your-abusive-marriage-with-leanne-oaten/ Submit your questions for a future Q&A episode!Leanne's website How to Know Whether to Stay or Leave Your Toxic Relationship Lundy Bancroft episode Peaceful Parent App TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: THE DIVORCE SURVIVAL PROGRAM As one of the pioneers of the divorce coaching industry, I've been helping women (most of whom are moms) navigate the divorce process for the last decade. AND NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, ALL OF MY DIVORCE WISDOM IS AVAILABLE IN ONE ONLINE PROGRAM. This program is 100% for you if… You're a mom looking for a clear roadmap to a divorce that won't destroy your kids You're looking for answers and a roadmap You understand that divorce is a long game You're willing to put away your boxing gloves You want this to be a respectful and collaborative process in service of your kids You understand that divorce is, first and foremost, an emotional process and you're ready to 'go there' Are you ready to learn from one of the world's top divorce experts and set yourself on the path towards the best possible outcome? YEAH, Y'ARE!!! JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

I am incredibly honored to have Lundy Bancroft on the show with me to talk about what life is like after domestic abuse, post-separation abuse, and healing from trauma. Lundy Bancroft is the author of five books in the field, including the national prize-winner The Batterer as Parent, Why Does He Do That?, When Dad Hurts Mom, Daily Wisdom and Should I Stay Or Should I Go? He has worked with over a thousand abusers directly as an intervention counselor, and has served as clinical supervisor on another thousand cases Show Highlights Acknowledging that you do have a right to be heard about the injustice that was done. But do it in a way that is not hurting you (8:20) What to do when you get in a custody dispute with your abuser, why you need an attorney who understands divorcing an abuser, as well as, what to know if you represent yourself (10:51) The myth that a man can abuse a child's mother and still be a great dad. It's impossible. The single best predictor of how a man will treat their children is how they treat their child's mother (28:34) How a woman can increase her chance of a favorable divorce outcome (34:05) Social change and what is really needed to reform the family court system (45:14) How the fathers' rights movement is an abusers' movement and what we can do in the face of it (50:37) Learn more about Lundy Bancroft: Lundy Bancroft is the author of five books in the field, including the national prize-winner The Batterer as Parent, Why Does He Do That?, When Dad Hurts Mom, Daily Wisdom, and Should I Stay Or Should I Go? He has worked with over a thousand abusers directly as an intervention counselor and has served as a clinical supervisor on another thousand cases. He has also served extensively as a custody evaluator, child abuse investigator, and expert witness in domestic violence and child abuse cases. Lundy appears across the United States as a presenter for judges and other court personnel, child protective workers, therapists, law enforcement officials, and other audiences. Resources & Links: Links and resources may also be found at: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/lundy-bancroft Last chance to Book a Sanity Saver Session in June!Lundy's website Lundy's books Mothers on the Rise TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: THE REVISED SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? PROGRAM An online coaching program designed to help you make the right decision about your marriage...once and for all. In this groundbreaking online coaching program, you'll unlock the support, education and deep transformational work you need to finally answer to your most burning question: should I stay or should I go? JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

We are talking today about social media narcissism and other harmful effects of using social media; like cyberbullying and the growth of the mental health crisis among today's youth. My guest, Lena Derhally, helps us to better understand these topics during our conversation and in her newest book, The Facebook Narcissist: How to Identify and Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from Social Media Narcissism. Not only do we discuss social media, but we also delve into narcissism and how it shows up and is exacerbated by social media. This episode is not a call to arms to deactivate your social media accounts. Instead, it is a reminder to be mindful of social media and its effects on all facets of our lives, as well as a reminder to learn how to protect ourselves and our kids from the negative effects we are seeing from social media today. Show Highlights Why is narcissism such a huge topic right now? (4:22) How some narcissists are exploitive in nature and what that actually means (10:24) The subtypes of narcissism: grandiose, vulnerable, communal, and collective (6:29) How social media affects narcissism and narcissistic behaviors (24:16) The addictive nature of social media, influencer culture, and the effects on mental health (33:37) How the narcissistic thread in social media is impacting our relationships (40:21) Social media, cyberbullying, and its role in the growing mental health crisis of children (51:41) Why Lena believes there needs to be more resources and attention on the effects of social media (52:12) How to be an empathetic digital citizen (58:07) Learn more about Lena Derhally: Lena Derhally is a Washington DC-based licensed and Imago certified psychotherapist in private practice. She is the author of the Amazon True Crime and Criminology bestseller, My Daddy is a Hero: How Chris Watts Went from Family Man to Family Killer, and the forthcoming pop psychology book, The Facebook Narcissist: How to Identify and Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from Social Media Narcissism. Her work and expertise have been featured in Oprah Magazine, SELF, Glamour, The Washington Post, A&E, Hollywood Life, The Huffington Post, Law and Crime, Tubi TV, and more. She was formerly a clinical instructor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the George Washington School of Medicine, where she mentored medical students, and she is on the advisory board of 1455 Literary Arts. Resources & Links:Links and information can also be found at: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/the-facebook-narcissist-with-lena-derhally/ Book a Sanity Saver Session in May or June Lena on Instagram Lena on Facebook (author page) Lena's website How to Protect Yourself From Digital Abuse with Adam Dodge TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: THE DIVORCE SURVIVAL PROGRAM As one of the pioneers of the divorce coaching industry, I've been helping women (most of whom are moms) navigate the divorce process for the last decade. AND NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, ALL OF MY DIVORCE WISDOM IS AVAILABLE IN ONE ONLINE PROGRAM. This program is 100% for you if… You're a mom looking for a clear roadmap to a divorce that won't destroy your kids You're looking for answers and a roadmap You understand that divorce is a long game You're willing to put away your boxing gloves You want this to be a respectful and collaborative process in service of your kids You understand that divorce is, first and foremost, an emotional process and you're ready to 'go there' Are you ready to learn from one of the world's top divorce experts and set yourself on the path towards the best possible outcome? YEAH, Y'ARE!!! JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

This week I welcome to the show the anonymous woman behind the popular and informative Instagram account, Narcissist_Survivor. The purpose of the account and their work is to expose the truth about narcissists, which is also what we do in this episode. We discuss the complexities of being in a relationship with a narcissist, share red flags, and go deep on the topic of high-profile cases and narcissistic abuse. Show Highlights Red flags to watch out for when it comes to narcissists and dating (6:21) The patriarchy's effects on relationships and mental health in today's world (8:52) Narcissists may use the court system to perpetuate financial or post-separation abuse (16:04) Examples of narcissistic abuse in high profile cases such as Gabby Petito and Johnny Depp/Amber Heard (21:00) Abuse is not an anger management problem (30:45) Learn more about Narcissist_Survivor: Narcissist Survivor is an outspoken expert, advocate, guest speaker, specialist and consultant on narcissism, narcissistic abuse, domestic violence, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and abuse recovery. Narcissist Survivor began in 2013, typing the words "Am I crazy?" into the search engine, and seeing the word "Narcissist" for the very first time. That began three years of voracious study on narcissism, NPD, Cluster B Personality Disorders, Adverse Childhood Experiences, trauma, Complex PTSD, child abuse and neglect, as well as formal Domestic Violence training, and continuing education on these important issues. This in turn gave way to the creation of @narcissist_survivor on Instagram which now has over 183k followers in 2015. Find help, resources, information and support in your recovery from narcissistic abuse on Instagram @narcissist_survivor Narcissistic Abuse Recovery phone sessions are offered within North America. Resources & Links: Links and information may also be found at: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/the-truth-about-narcissistic-abuse-with-narcissist_survivor Narcissist_Survivor on Instagram Book a Sanity Saver Session in May or June TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: THE REVISED SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? PROGRAM An online coaching program designed to help you make the right decision about your marriage...once and for all. In this groundbreaking online coaching program, you'll unlock the support, education and deep transformational work you need to finally answer to your most burning question: should I stay or should I go? JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

Matthew Fray, author of This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach To Saving Relationships, has been on my guest wishlist for a really long time. That is why I am truly delighted to share our conversation with you. Matt joins me to talk about how men can show up as better partners in relationships. I first learned about Matt when I read his now-viral blog post, "She Divorced Me Because I Left the Dishes Near the Sink." It's not just about dishes. It never truly is, now is it? Matt shares his experiences with writing that blog post, the lessons he has learned since his divorce, and offers insight on how men can become mindfully aware of their spouses' experiences, share in the division of labor in relationships, and more. Show Highlights How his blog post aims to invite a conversation about what is allowed to matter (5:55) In relationships, there is a discrepancy between values, preferences, and things that affect one another (6:44) Marriage and the man card in cis-hetero gendered relationships (9:14) Matthew describes the invalidation triple threat: aka the ways in which we invalidate people when we disagree with them (17:14) Be mindful of the little things we are not paying attention to because they are often the root of relationship issues (23:41) We explore four key relationship skills including how to argue or disagree effectively (38:19) Learn more about Matthew Fray: Matthew Fray is the author of This Is How Your Marriage Ends A Hopeful Approach To Saving Relationships. With the humorous, entertaining, and counterintuitive approach of "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F," and the practical insights of "The 5 Love Languages," "This Is How Your Marriage Ends" helps readers identify relationship-killing behavior patterns in their own lives - and offers solutions to break free from the cycles of dysfunction and destruction. Fray is a relationship coach and writer who leans on the lessons of his failed marriage and divorce to help others avoid making the same mistakes he did. His writing has been featured in The New York Times, The Sunday Times, The Huffington Post, Babble, and many more. His blog Must Be This Tall To Ride has a dedicated following and has reached millions of readers. Resources & Links: Book a Sanity Saver Session in May or June Matthew's website Matthew's new book Matthew on Twitter Matthew on Facebook She Divorced Me Because I Left the Dishes by the Sink TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: SOBERLINK Proof. Protection. Peace of Mind. The Soberlink remote alcohol monitoring system consists of a portable breathalyzer with wireless technology for real-time results. With proven use as the leading choice in child custody cases since 2011, we are the only system that combines: Court admissibility in all 50 states Facial recognition Tamper detection Easy-to-read Advanced Reporting™ Trust the Experts in Remote Alcohol Monitoring Technology™ to support the best interests of the child in your Family Law cases. JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP