Be Mythical

This week we get to be a fly on the wall to a coaching session between certified transformative coach John El-Mokadem and his new client Kate. Kate would like coaching around some issues in her relationship. There were so many gems here about handling relationship issues, here were my favourites: Does the past create our relationship problems in the present?Kate feels angry that she's made decisions in her relationship because of trauma in her past and maybe she would have chosen a different life, if it hadn't been for her past. John explained that the anger would make sense if it was being caused by Kate's circumstances and not by Kate's 'noisy thinking' about her circumstances. That laundry list of things that need to happen before we'll feel OKWe can believe there's a whole load of things that we need to happen in our relationship (or life in general) before we'll be OK. As we recognise that the laundry list is just more noisy thinking we see that we already have everything we need to be OK. How do we cope with a noisy mind?We don't need to quieten our minds, ignore our thinking or try to change it, when we recognise that the noise is simply just thinking. What about when we want different things?The more we see that our wellbeing always comes from inside, the more freedom we have to watch how life unfolds without getting so caught up in our thoughts about needing life to be a certain way so we can be happy.

I'm talking to Sheela Masand and Mark Jones (aka Yoga Mark!) about what creates a happy relationship. Sheela's a business coach and Mark's founder of Ice cream For The Soul, a brilliant blog talk radio show about the three principles. They've been together for 11 years, and they talk very honestly and openly here about how their relationship has transformed over the 5 years since they've discovered the principles. And how your relationship problems are not about the sponge in the sink - it's about your thoughts about the sponge in the sink. ;) Here were my best bits: We're all looking for connection - but misunderstand where it comes fromSheela talked about how the connection that creates a happy relationship is something that's very natural to us - once we understand the nature of thought and how it can create the illusion of disconnection How our insecure thinking gets in the way of listeningWhen we're caught up in thoughts of trying to fix an issue or come up with a solution for our partner - that's often behaviour driven from insecure thoughts. When we can let go of those thoughts and simply listen to our partner, we stand a far better chance of connecting to them. Our feelings are our guideWhen we notice that we're feeling irritated or angry that it's simply pointing to our thoughts in that moment, and that means it's probably not a great idea to act on them!

What is anxiety? Show notes: I'm thrilled to be talking to Dicken Bettinger about: What is anxiety and is it possible to be freed from it? Dicken is one of the few people who was taught directly by Sydney Banks, the man who discovered the principles. Dicken trained as a Pyschologist and for the almost 30 years, he has taught the three principles. He has helped many people to free themselves from anxiety and return to happiness. Before understanding the principles, Dicken himself used to suffer from extreme anxiety and used to have a zillion techniques and meditated for hours a day to attempt to alleviate it. All in all, there really isn't anyone on the planet that I can think of who is better placed to speak to about anxiety! So... what is anxiety? The dictionary definition of anxiety is: "A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome" Dicken explained that almost every one of us experiences moments of anxiety - that's not a problem in itself, it's just being human and is a function of how our thoughts create our feelings of anxiety. Dicken's answer to 'What is anxiety', in terms of anxiety being a problem in someone's life, is that it's when we misunderstand where our anxiety comes from - when we believe that our anxiety comes from outside events such as: The situation we're in Our problems The people we're with And then become anxious about the fact that at any moment something can happen to trigger the anxiety. We become anxious about our anxiety. Dicken describes his past experience of anxiety like "I never knew when the world was going to make me feel bad." and feeling like life was akin to walking in a field of landmines, waiting for one to blow up. We can believe the label of being an anxious person - someone who is, whether by nature or nurture, predisposed to anxiety - but Dicken has never seen this to be accurate for any of his clients. Fundamentally, anxiety is simply an misunderstanding of why we feel anxiety - and then feeling anxious about the prospect of more anxiety. Is it possible to be freed from anxiety? Dicken talks about us not needing to work hard to look for freedom from anxiety when we see we already have what we're looking. Dicken described these steps that are helpful to understand this: Step 1. Recognise that 100% of your experience is created by thought  All of our feelings are being created by our thoughts  in that moment. This is direct contrast to what we're taught - e.g. that stressors cause stress. It's also contrary to how things look - if you're in a room and feeling good but someone walks in the room and you feel anxious, it's a very convincing illusion that your anxiety is being caused by the other person. When we see that our experience is coming from thought, it's the beginning of us letting go of the misunderstanding that's creating the anxiety problem. Step. 2 Seeing that a new thought will free you from the anxiety created by the current thought When we wake up to the nature of thought, we're open to a new thought flowing through - and thereby creating a completely different feeling. This is the opposite to to what we tend to do - which is to focus MORE on the anxious thought that has created the anxious feeling. We try to identify it, fix it and change it - all the more we continue to think about - and therefore feel - anxiety. When we wake up to what's really happening we focus more on our wellbeing than anxious thoughts. Step. 3 Understanding that we all have potential for infinite wisdom and wellbeing We're not limited to the boundaries of our physical brains, we all have a connection to infinite potential - more happiness, more love, more connection, more clarity, more creativity, more peace - when we look toward the non-conceptual space that's before our personal thinking.

Overcoming a fear of failure This week we get to be a fly on the wall to a coaching session between transformative coach Rasmus Carlsson and his new client Anne around how to conquer her fear of failure. These three principles coaching sessions have proved to be hugely helpful both for the client and also listeners so I'm delighted to be able to share another of these gems! Anne has a huge passion to create a business and with a non-profit element to help young people (particularly vulnerable children who are at risk) to discover their value and worth. Anne feels held back by her fear of failure - she has concerns around leaving her steady job, not managing to maintain her family's current stability and lifestyle, and the risks and  responsibilities of this kind of venture. What I loved most in this episode: What ifsAnne talked her "What if...?"s - her big two are "What if I don't do a great job?" and also "What if I can't create an income?" These kind of 'What if' thoughts often prevent us from moving forward with life changes because we take these thoughts seriously, assuming they're keeping us safe - it can be so interesting and useful to pull those thoughts out into the light to enable us to see them afresh. Where does fear of failure come from?Anne described how her fear came from giving energy to beliefs about herself. Rasmus and Anne explored how what's happening is much simpler than that - our feeling of fear comes purely from whatever we're thinking about in that moment. Our feelings don't have to mean anythingOur feelings are only telling us what our thoughts are doing. Emotion are simply our body's system for pointing us to the content of our thoughts - we find it easier to be aware of feelings than our thoughts. We don't need to act on feelings or take our thoughts seriously.

This week I'm talking Louise Storey about the way she's managing to have that rare balance of taking care of her family as well as having a fulfilling life creating and doing things out in the world. Louise is a co-founder of the Clear mind Academy which helps carers within education, social and healthcare organisations. Louise describes herself as a recovered stressaholic, she had a successful career in IT and then gave it up focus on her family and to care for her son Jack, who  has learning disabilities. Since discovering the three principles, Louise has a life of happiness, creativity and ease. Louise made so many brilliant points, many of which I'm sure you'll relate to. These were my faves: Working towards achieving happiness in the futureLouise talks about something that seems so common these days: how she was postponing her happiness in the present moment so she could work towards achieving happiness and success in the future. She's since realised that the only place happiness can exist is right here and now. Feelings are a symptom not a diagnosisWhen we are you feeling stressed, sad or angry - that's not a diagnosis that we're a stressed, sad or angry person... our feelings are simply a symptom of your thought in that moment. I LOVED that point so much that I posted about it on our Facebook page, where it seemed to resonate with many of you. Pleasing everyone but not pleasing anyoneLouise describes how her life used to entail running around, trying her best to please everyone in her life, to meet their expectations (and hers) of what a good parent, daughter, wife, friend and colleague should be like - but feeling she was failing, and damaging her own health in the process. Since discovering the three principles, Louise has settled down into feeling happy in her own skin and knowing that just being fully present with the people in her life is creating more pleasing relationships than she's ever experienced.

This week I'm talking to Innate Wellbeing Facilitator Mandy Spray on the subject of caring, learning disabilities and the three principles. Mandy's got a beautiful rock solid belief that every single one of us has innate mental wellbeing and happiness. Mandy gave some gorgeous examples and made some excellent points, these were my faves: Looking at someone isn't the same as connecting with someoneMandy talks about spending time with someone in a way where you can let go of your own preconceived ideas and beliefs so you can drop into the same space as the other person, 'be' with them, listen and connect. Notice what's happening when we are connecting with someoneWe'll all have times when we do feel naturally present and connected with another person, when our thoughts settle and our minds are clear. Noticing that you have that as one of your possible states is a great step towards it appearing more! We all have our own unique beauty and talentsWhen we look for the potential, the unbroken-ness, wellbeing, and the gifts, we are sure to find them. Mandy gave some lovely examples of the opportunities that come from people being able to see this in others.

Show notes: Yippeee! This week I speaking to expert on care and special needs, comedienne and all round super star Sarah Wood. Sarah has spoken and trained internationally on health care and social services professions - her passion is helping carers and professionals see past issues and limitations to the whole person and their unique potential. Her son Adam has learning disabilities and has a full life of work and friends, he is a wonderful example of what's possible when we see a person for who they truly are. I loved these points in particular: When our heads are full of angry, stressful thoughts there's no room for the solutionsIt's so useful to know how easily answers come from a calm, settled down mind as it can help us let go of our agitated thoughts more quickly. The relationship is everythingWhen we prioritise our connection with someone, there's nothing that can't be overcome. Listening in the way that the other person speaksSarah talked about her son Adam drawing a picture which expressed that he'd like to have a friendship with a boy he'd lost contact with - that lead on to all kinds of wonderful outcomes for both families. Start with yourselfYou can't give anything that you don't have yourself - you need to have self-worth to be able to share that with someone else. Sarah suggests taking the first step onto the path to rediscovering happiness and clarity yourself before you try to help the person that you're caring for. You're doing the best job possibleEven when life feels tough and you feel like you're failing, you're damn amazing - there's no-one who could do better than you are.

A gorgeous conversation about another way to have a happy Christmas! Jacquie Forde is a social entrepreneur, coach, business woman, mum to three gorgeous tenacious daughters, wife and friend. She's a delight! Here's my favourite parts: Drop the differences!There's no right way to celebrate Christmas or to be - when we drop our judgemental thoughts of how others are different, the more we're open to enjoying everyone's unique, quirky, funny ways of being and the happier we are. Nothing's personalWhether it's the present they've chosen, the food they've cooked, they way they're choosing spend their time or they way they're behaving - they're doing our best according to they're thoughts in that moment (just as you are!) We can choose the illusions we keepWhen we see we're creating our reality through thought, we realise it's all an illusion. Some illusions serve us and others and some don't. What a gift it is when we see that we can let go of the illusions which are getting in the way of us connecting and enjoying other people! The present of being present!When we're not getting tangled up in thoughts about stress, anxiety and all the things we wish were different, we can be really present to the happiness, joy and love that's in that moment. Is there any better gift we can give to ourselves and others?

I'm delighted to share this fabulous conversation with Dr Amy Johnson! Amy's a coach and author, and she helps people to see that they're born happy and helps people to bounce back from all kinds of life events. Today we're talking about getting through christmas (or any family get together) with humour and understanding. Amy is seriously wonderful! Here were my best bits: Dysfunctional family bingo!Amy talks about playing this game with someone else in the family who you're close to. You both create a bingo card of the things you're dreading happening - maybe that's your Grandma mentioning your weight, your dad drinking a few too many whiskeys and being inappropriate or your sister being a drama queen - and then when you're at your family event, you check off the situations on your card as they happen. I love how this simple game can allow us to see something more deeply - any relationship is only ever about our relationship to our thoughts about relationship. Freeing ourselves from the 'blueprint' of how we think relationship should beThe more acceptance we have for how a relationship is, we lose our grip on the blueprint of how we think the relationship should feel. That means we become open to all kinds of surprising ways that it could develop and change. The fluidity of thoughtNo relationship (or anything else in life) is fixed. All relationships will feel differently according to our thoughts in each moment. That's a useful thing to bear in mind as it allow us to see that everything can change. Have a compassionate Christmas :)When we recognise that everyone is in a sea of thought, and we're all doing our best within that, it allows us to be more compassionate towards ourselves and others. Even when things feel difficult, we'll know that everything's still working the same way for all of us and it's just that we're not able to see it too clearly in that moment.

What a treat it was speaking to transformative coach Rasmus Carlsson about family relationships! Rasmus has such a great down to earth approach and a super-clear understanding of the role of the three principles in how we experience life. He shares such personal and detailed examples here that I defy anyone to listen and not hear something that's useful! Here were my favourite points: Other people's perspective on us are their business"What someone else thinks is never going to be up to me." The only thing that can make us unhappy is when we don't accept reality as it is - we think we can change the way someone else thinks about us. Why do we try to control other people's thinking when we can't control our own?We don't choose our thoughts. Seeing that helps us to be more compassionate towards ourselves and others because we see that no matter how bad a thought or a behaviour looks, it makes no sense to judge it when we see that no-one chose it. Being compassionate doesn't mean being a doormatWhen we recognise that 'their stuff' isn't about us, it's about them, it means we have access to our natural happy, calm state in which we're going to be much more able to deal with a situation well. That doesn't mean being passive, it means not being reactive. It only takes one of us to calm down and listen, and the other people will often begin to calm down and listen too. There are no 'should'sThere's no one way we should be in relationships or life in general. When we can more easily spot our insecure thinking about worrying about what others will think about us, the 'should's begin to lose their grip on us. When we let go of our 'should's we become open to all kinds of other opportunities and experiences.