Productive Flourishing Podcast

Authors Alexandra Jamison and Bob Gower join Charlie on the show today to talk about what it’s like to write a book with your partner. Their book, Radical Alignment, focuses on a four-layered approach to structured conversation, and how they used this approach on the journey to writing this book. They also discuss the application of their method not just in relationships, but also in business and personal life. Key Takeaways: [3:10] - Alexandra & Bob talk about the history of this book, and how it evolved from their initial conception. It started as a method they used for themselves and shared in workshops, and grew into something other people were clamoring after. [5:19] - The method focuses on intentions, concerns, boundaries, and dreams, and is used to ensure everyone is on the same page and empathetic to one another’s reasons for doing something. [7:50] - Bob talks through how this method grew out of the workshops, and some of the key points of each of the four steps. [11:49] - One of the most important steps is the last step - dreams. Ending on a high note together, and having that to pull you forward together, allows the couple or group to really feel like a team. [13:40] - The book is a true convergence of both Alex and Bob’s unique perspectives. This richness comes out in how they talk about bringing more humanity into their teams, and being more strategic personally. [16:00] - The journey of this book is a testament to all creatives out there with an idea they want to get out into the world. Their self-published book accomplished their initial goals, and had developed in a very natural and organic way. Don’t be afraid to act on your ideas - keep your eyes open for opportunities! [18:30] - Alex and Bob talk about how they used their own method to talk about writing a book about their method. [21:30] - The order of the conversation is almost as important as the conversation itself. Addressing concerns in a safe way allows the amygdala to calm down, and you can move forward with confidence in your decisions and creativity. [23:50] - The goal is not to force alignment. You may find that you do not align on intentions or dreams, and can pursue a different path forward with a project or relationship. [26:35] - Alex and Bob talk about their creative process, compared to working on separate projects. Using their model allowed complete transparency, and a shared voice emerged. [31:38] - Bob and Alex talk about the concern around a structured conversation being stifling rather than freeing, and the distinction between etiquette-based conversation and rules-based conversation. [38:07] - The group discusses the idea of the “missing conversation.” Having structure gives everyone a chance to speak (and listen) and holds all parties accountable for what is said and not said. [43:20] - Good and productive conversation has been a cornerstone in Alex and Bob’s relationship, and often plays out in their day-to-day interactions as well. [47:30] - Sometimes we don’t have conversations because we are hung up on the decision we will have to make at the end. The beauty of this approach is that it doesn’t have to lead to a decision; this relieves the pressure of the conversation having to go a certain way. [50:26] - It is also important to make sure you’re in the right state of mind before approaching these conversations. All three use some form of the HALT principle from the 12-step world. [55:12] - Alexandra’s challenge for every person who identifies as a woman to use this all-in method for your next important conversation. Bob’s challenge for people who identify like him is to listen more than they speak. Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing, by Charlie GilkeyRadical Alignment, by Alexandra Jamieson and Bob GowerThe Art of Gathering, by Priya ParkerWomen, Food, and Desire, by Alexandra JamiesonNever Split the Difference, by Chris Voss This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.productiveflourishing.com/subscribe

Eric Zimmer joins Charlie on the podcast today to talk about spiritual and habitual practices. They talk about the relationship between behavior change and spiritual practices, and why it’s especially important now. They also talk about how to get back on track when you’ve fallen out of your habits and practices. Key Takeaways:[2:10] - Eric shares his story about how he got into the realm of behavior and spiritual practices. Out of necessity to get out of his current situation, he had to think more deeply and learn how to live a good life. This started a life-long learning process about how our minds and emotions work. [5:35] - Eric talks about how his degree of privilege from his upbringing helped him be able to navigate his recovery circumstances. His story, and several others, remind us that these ideas can work for everyone, regardless of where they are starting their journey. [8:05] - One of the most important aspects Eric has learned over the last six years since starting the podcast is a focus on application rather than learning and epiphanies. In order to be authentic on his podcast, he had to participate in the experiences he was talking about.[10:30] - Eric talks about the tangible ways that this application has changed his day-to-day routine. As more guests came on his show, there was a focus on spirituality as well as behavior changes and habit-building. His depressions are much more manageable as a result of some of these changes.[15:10] - The improvements that we make in our lives are driven by the dramatic amount of shift that occurs. The difference is often so dramatic, but we don’t notice because we habituate. This can make spiritual growth a bit difficult because you are always chasing the next high.[19:25] - Eric has been integrating his work with spiritual practices with behavior changes, called spiritual habits. It takes the science of behavior change and applies it to spiritual life. He talks about some of the most important principles from behavior, and how he has incorporated them into his program.[23:25] - Charlie and Eric talk about why it’s important to have integrated spiritual practices, especially during this time of pandemic. These practices can help us drop our resistance, and in turn drop our suffering. Focus on the inputs rather than the outputs.[27:45] - Eric talks about how he’s different when he falls off the “habit horse.” Depending on the habit, he starts to get more irritable, and he is also able to recognize the triggers that might mean he’s falling back into a depression.[30:52] - It is easier to compartmentalize our spiritual practices from other habits. It’s important to know that your spiritual practice could be your physical exercise, or eating; it is all about the intention you are putting behind it. [34:28] - With behaviors, Eric shoots for 90% adherence with his clients. If you shoot for 90% day after day and year after year, your life can transform. Shooting for 100% can lead to burn out and quitting. You will likely fall off, but the key is how you get back on.[39:40] - Charlie and Eric talk about the correlation between effort and follow through. It is a different conversation when you examine the effort put behind a habit for that day, and whether you actually follow through, versus not even getting started. [42:55] - Eric shares how his practices are helping him overcome his current challenge of adapting to working by himself from home. [48:10] - Eric’s invitation for listeners is to think about one practice that would improve your mental wellbeing. Start to implement it every day in just a small way. These sorts of practices are more important than ever right now. Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing, by Charlie GilkeyEric Zimmer, The One You FeedThe One You Feed PodcastThe One You Feed Podcast Episode 300: Getting Things Done with Charlie GilkeyTriggers, by Marshall Goldsmith This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.productiveflourishing.com/subscribe

Charlie sits down with Angela to reflect on this time we’re experiencing in our world with COVID-19, and what life has been like for them and their business. They talk about where they were before the pandemic, and how that set the stage for how they are handling this time. Together, they share their routines, some of the challenges they’ve faced, and what beautiful things have come out of this time that they are going to take with them after this has passed. Key Takeaways: [3:00] - Charlie and Angela went to Costa Rica in late February for a retreat. Angela talks about the overwhelming feeling that she needed to participate in the retreat (rather than just Charlie), and how this trip and retreat became an energetic catalyst for a reboot in their lives. [8:50] - Charlie reflects on some of the parts of himself and the business that they’ve put on hold since about 2015, and two big let-go’s they’ve had recently: the death of their cat and the launch of Charlie’s book. [13:55] - Jamaica allowed them to fully unplug from day-to-day life in Portland, and re-connect with each other and process their grief from events in 2019. The “hard stops” of Jamaica and Costa Rica allowed them to get some clarity and perspective to be able to get back into their lives. [17:11] - Charlie and Angela talk about how their recent prior experiences prepared them for the uncertain and uncomfortable times that have hit since mid-March and COVID-19. They’ve looked into their existing material that is actually quite well-suited to this time, and also launched the Daily Anchors. How can we create the best future with what’s right in front of us? [20:50] - Angela has been writing “Daily Anchors” every business day about what’s going on in their lives and business. It has been an opportunity for her to get back to using her voice to provide support, help, and light in the dark. Her writing practices for herself became things that could also benefit their community, and one of the most beautiful things to come out of the pandemic. [25:40] - Charlie talks about his current position and the journey he’s on of handing over some of the creative load to other people on the team. About the time they started sharing their resources, a book idea has struck Charlie that feels right to dive into now. At the same time, Start Finishing has been doing incredibly well. [32:20] - COVID-19 and the stress that it has placed on businesses and teams has really made creative work important. It is pretty remarkable what things have opened up in the way of creativity, and how you can be of support in the world. There are moments and opportunities right in front of us that we didn’t have before. [37:47] - In addition to creative output, Angela has been managing the finances for Productive Flourishing since the outbreak, through their Payroll Protection Plan. She talks about the anxiety around their business finances, and the reality of trying to secure support from public funding. [47:10] - Charlie talks about managing fear during this time of Covid, and how we can also focus on what’s going well and what you may have to celebrate during this time. There is an emotional contagion of anxiety and fear, it’s a fine line to walk to provide support and recognize other people’s realities. [49:55] - One of the biggest challenges for Charlie has been energetic claustrophobia, and not having access to the same spaces he had before Covid. The biggest challenge for Angela was the PPP, and having to shift her yoga practice to remote. [54:25] - Charlie and Angela talk about how to deal with loved ones not taking as good care of themselves as they should during this time, and perhaps not being cautious enough. This applies not just to physical proximity, but also media consumption. Check in on yourself and others, because we’re still pretty early on in this thing. [1:00:12] - Charlie and Angela talk about some of the things that have been really helpful for them during this Covid time, primarily music. Non-stressful video games and taking extra time off  have also provided an outlet for Charlie. [1:07:07] - Besides writing, some of the things that have been helpful for Angela have been the convenience of delivery and dropping expectations about herself and her roles and responsibilities (especially as a woman). Leaning into help when it’s available is okay! Nature has also been a balm for her. [1:12:02] - Despite the hard, there have been many beautiful gifts, revelations, and learnings that they hope to carry with them after we are out of this Covid time. One of the biggest life lessons has been knowing when to hold on and when to let go. It’s also important to keep sight of what you have to look forward to. Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing, by Charlie GilkeyProductive Flourishing Podcast "Year End 2019: Lessons Learned (Episode 212)" This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.productiveflourishing.com/subscribe

Jeff Harry is an international speaker and consultant who shows how play enhances problem-solving and innovation. Play is not just childish fun, but can be found in day-to-day work. Charlie and Jeff talk about the hidden objection most people have to play, and ways you can overcome that to invite play into every aspect of your life. Key Takeaways: [2:45] - Play is super important, but you have to make time for it, and embrace the perspective. Many people think there should be a breakdown between work and play, but that’s not true. Play is a joyous action where you forget about time, and focus on the process rather than the result. Look for those moments in your work. [7:05] - Play can also come from being totally immersed in a process, like when you’re in flow and fully present in a task at your work. Try to find more in-the-moment opportunities. [9:24] - Play looks different for everyone, and oftentimes we don’t notice when we stop finding time for play in our lives. Jeff challenges listeners to remember the last time they had an “all in” moment. A playful mindset is a growth mindset. [12:37] - Jeff talks about how many corporations and startups are usually in this play space as they are getting started, which is part of what makes them successful. Charlie shares his idea of crock pot creativity versus pressure cooker creativity. The pressure cooker can sometimes stifle creativity. [16:15] - Charlie and Jeff talk about how sometimes you have to put some kind of timeline on your creativity. Make, create, play - but get it out there because you don’t know what someone else might think of your work. This quarantine is a great time to work on some of your smaller projects. [18:50] - The “pandemic perfectionist” is the idea of people like they should or have to be doing during this quarantine. You are the only one who can dictate what is right or possible for you during this time. What would you do if there were no right answers? [22:20] - People don’t allow themselves to play at a deep level because they don’t think they deserve to play. Give yourself permission to play - what if the things you’ve already done in your life were the work? It’s time for you to play! They talk about some activities that might qualify as play in adult life. [26:08] - They also talk about how it’s easy to feel that other people deserve to play, or rest, but when it comes to ourselves we put the pressure on to work, work, work. Explore with your friends and family what small adventures you could plan during this time, and look for play in the mundane. It’s in any moment that you want if you really explore it. [31:15] - The productive value of play extends beyond the intrinsic value. Some of the most challenging issues we are facing can be addressed in a creative way. If you want to get creative, you have to get bored. Boredom is where the creativity, the play, and the ideas lie. [35:40] - It’s also beneficial to step away from your phone or social media. Sometimes that consumption can actually stifle your creativity. Do take time to veg out and relax, but if it’s not actually rejuvenating you, you may need to shift. [40:05] - People can be in a far more resilient, happy, playful, productive, and successful place when they focus on doing whatever they need to do to chill and recharge. When you’re in a creative space, you are in more control. [43:51] - In a period of so much uncertainty, what would happen if we just leaned into it? As a people, we have the most evidence to be the most hopeful as a species that we’ve ever had. Charlie shares some of his personal experience with this from his time being deployed. [50:45] - During this COVID time, people are “locked up” feeling worried about everything that may happen or what we should do. When you’re in a super fearful state, it can be hard to play. Allow yourself to feel this, but at some point, listen to what comes up for you. [54:25] - Jeff’s invitation for listeners is to allow yourselves to be bored. Don’t consume content or anything that could distract, and listen to what your inner voice is saying. Act on it, and reflect afterwards if it was fun. You’ll be amazed at what you will have made. Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing, by Charlie GilkeyProductive Flourishing Podcast Episode 152: Larry Robertson: How to Explore and Play at Your Creative EdgeBig Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.productiveflourishing.com/subscribe

Today’s guest is Jennifer Louden, author of the new book Why Bother: Discover the Desire for What’s Next. She joins Charlie today to talk about how we can find the spark to engage with and create what’s next for us. If desire is a word you’re uncomfortable with, today’s episode is for you! Key Takeaways:[2:15] - Jen talks about her publishing journey, and what aspects of the book make “Why Bother?” her best work yet. This book came from a very different place than her previous work.[6:05] - One of the major conversations in this book is around desire. It can be a hard word for us, but we all ask the question we think we know the answer to - what are we bothering about? We don’t always have the desire to make a change in regards to a job, relationship, or health.[9:40] - Sometimes we aren’t saturated with the life or desire to make a decision in the first place. It’s not always a lack of desire for a specific thing, but a general lack of internal desire that prevents change from happening.[12:45] - Charlie and Jen talk about our complacency during difficult times, like a worldwide pandemic, and how it’s almost more important to give ourselves permission to “get our bother on” even during these times. They talk about some of the struggles creatives may be facing, and ways they can pivot to keep creating.[17:20] - We have to move our energy and let desire flow through our bodies. If you are having trouble focusing, try quick and short projects rather than some of your more involved projects.[18:50] - In the book, Jen talks about the two ways we grapple with the question “why bother?” The first is asking like we already know the answer. The other side of the question is genuinely getting curious so you can move forward.[23:25] - Jen has done some grappling of her own around the release of her book during this pandemic, and reflects on how it can feel when you put something out that’s a huge part of you, and the conditions of the environment aren’t right. She shares some ideas that have brought her comfort. [29:40] - In the book, Jen shares her model of six different steps to help people take the first step to finding their desire. The first is to leave behind - what are you still holding on to? The second is to ease in - claim your agency again.[33:30] - The third step is to settle down. We recognize that there can be desire, ambivalence, and difficulties side by side. It’s important to keep things in perspective here, and focus on the small things that accumulate from desire, to wonder, to thriving. The fourth step is desire. [37:07] - The fifth step is become by doing. The sixth step, being seen, is the one that is most difficult for Jen. She talks about struggling with letting herself be seen, through her books, with her close circle of friends. [40:15] - We also need to be aware of behaviors that might be enabling our “not bothered” state. Once behaviors are identified, we can also create pivot points to get ourselves out. Having accountability partners in our communities can also be helpful to call us out.[45:15] - Jen talks about the idea of always beginning again. When we fall off the horse, we can always get back on.[47:55] - The invitation for listeners is to discover how you can be companioned - so you know you’re not broken, and can dig deeper into what it is that you really desire. Find ways to open yourself and companion yourself so that life can flow again.Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing, by Charlie GilkeyJennifer LoudenWhy Bother?, by Jennifer LoudenThe Productive Flourishing Podcast Episode 67: How to Avoid Creative Burnout with Jennifer Louden  This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.productiveflourishing.com/subscribe

Today’s guest is John Jantsch, author and entrepreneur that specializes in marketing for small businesses. He is on the show today to discuss his new book The Self-Reliant Entrepreneur. He and Charlie discuss the inspiration for his book, including transcendentalist authors of the romantic period. John shares some of his favorite sections from the book, and they discuss how you can use this book to start conversations with others.  Key Takeaways:[3:40] - John talks about the pivot he made to the subject matter of this book, versus his five other books that focus on marketing. His other books were more “how to” books, and his new book seeks to tackle the “why to” and how to be more self-reliant as a human being. [7:05] - John and Charlie talk about some of the challenges entrepreneurs face, often in a short amount of time. As entrepreneurs you take on nearly all the responsibilities of a corporate business, but by yourself. [8:05] - One of the first pillars of self-reliance is resilience, which includes getting out there every day, but also the ability to reframe what has happened and learn from it. The other pillars include trust, courage, curiosity, mindfulness, nonjudgement, and gratitude. It is important to be intentional about applying these pillars. [10:10] - How we show up and how we respond are two things that entrepreneurs can truly control. [12:40] - John and Charlie talk about the pay off of practicing things like mindset and self-reliance. This can help you slow down and focus on doing less, but being really intentional about the things that matter. [15:12] - They talk about some of the counter-cultural ideas that are present now, and how John drew inspiration from some of the transcendentalist literature of the 1800’s. The protagonist was someone who was true to themselves.[16:35] - John shares some of his favorite parts of his new book, and his process of compiling passages, his own words, and challenges for readers. He shares a passage from the book about being enough in any moment. [21:05] - One of the biggest challenges for entrepreneurs is comparing themselves to others. Being able to embrace the idea that you are enough now will take you further. This is especially important for people building small businesses.[23:12] - With self-reliance, you get to decide what is enough for you, in your business ventures and in your life. With that, it is now easier than ever to compare ourselves to others.[26:15] - John shares some other influential writers and main themes of his book, especially how other people’s opinions are usually born out of their own fears. [30:50] - A practice of gratitude is important to establish. Charlie and John talk about the neuroscience of gratitude, and how our theories and practices inform what we see in the world. You also have to be grateful for the small things that add up to the sum of what’s being created.[34:45] - John talks about the particular challenges of writing this book, including the challenges of writing short versus writing long, and all the literature he had to curate to finish the book. [39:10] - A lot of online entrepreneurs struggle with the idea of overnight success; that’s not always the same path for everyone. The quotes and content of John’s book provide hope and permission to move at your own best. [43:25] - John talks about the pillar of nonjudgement, and how this was a learning point for him writing the book. Practicing nonjudgement also makes practicing patience much easier. [46:45] - John’s challenge for listeners is to explore and establish one or two mindfulness practices to keep you grounded in your priorities. Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing, by Charlie GilkeyClean EmailDuct Tape MarketingJohn’s WebsiteThe Self-Reliant Entrepreneur, by John JantschSelf-Reliance, Ralph Waldo EmersonSeasons of the Entrepreneur Blog Post This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.productiveflourishing.com/subscribe

Michael Bungay Stanier joins Charlie on the show to talk about his new book, The Advice Trap. His book provides ways leaders can be more mindful of how they are coaching their team. In today’s episode, Michael and Charlie jam about some of the negative effects of falling into the advice trap too quickly. They also discuss patterns and questions to ask to better coach your team, and the best ways to give advice when it’s needed.  Key Takeaways:[5:50] - Michael shares the backstory to his book, and the default habit we have of responding to any situation by giving advice. The book seeks to end our knee-jerk reaction to always giving advice, often on things we don’t know about.[7:45] - Charlie and Michael talk about the need for different styles of leadership as a manager. To effectively lead your team, you need to be able to utilize the 6 styles of leadership, and know when to use them. Using the right leadership skills can drive culture and productivity, making life better for you and those around you.[10:15] - The book focuses on the manager’s impulse to give advice as the default. Michael and Charlie talk about striking a balance between giving advice and giving answers. They discuss some scenarios of how you can evaluate how receptive your team member may be to hearing advice or coaching.[16:15] - Michaels talks about the three personas of the advice monster: Tell It, Save It, and Control It. Whichever persona relates to you, it is a habitual response. The goal is that as leaders we are making mindful decisions in every situation. [21:45] - As a leader, one of your main roles is to make decisions. It is your job to wrestle with the tough decisions, and to be mindful about what decisions your team can make on their own. Michael and Charlie also talk about the necessity of sitting on decisions before jumping to your answer. [29:03] - Charlie and Michael talk about some books they’ve loved recently. [32:25] - Charlie and Michael talk about some perpetual problems we may encounter in business and relationships. There are some things that are always going to be present in both business and relationships. You have to focus on the good and how you are going to work around those things to keep moving forward.[36:55] - As a coach or a leader, it’s also important to point out and celebrate what you do well. Then you can encourage your team to apply the good to some other problem areas.[38:20] - Michael talks about the neuroscience of engagement that he discusses in his book. As a coach or leader, it’s important to learn the neuroscience because it really helps you understand how people work. Michael discusses the basics of the TERA quotient: tribe, expectation, rank, autonomy.[42:15] - Michael talks about different ways we can influence the TERA quotient when interacting with the people that we lead. If your team knows your coaching habits, you may not be as effective as you could be.[47:20] - In his book, Michael talks about the 6 foggy fires. All show up pretty regularly, but popcorning and coaching the ghost are two of the most common to be on the lookout for. Charlie and Michael also discuss the four D’s of giving good advice.[53:40] - Michael’s invitation to listeners is to get on the website and take the questionnaire to identify which advice monster persona is most real for you. Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing, by Charlie GilkeyClean EmailThe Advice Trap WebsiteThe Advice Trap, by Michael Bungay StanierThe Coaching Habit, by Michael Bungay StanierDaniel Goleman on Emotional IntelligencePrimal Leadership, by Daniel GolemanIt Doesn’t Have to be Crazy at Work, by Jason Fried and David HanssonEvery Book is a Startup, by Todd SatterstenCreative Calling, by Chase JarvisEight Dates, by John M. Gottman, Julie Gottman, and Rachel Carlton AbramsCatastrophe (Netflix show) This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.productiveflourishing.com/subscribe

Today’s guest returns to the show to talk about his new book, The 50 75 100 Solution. Bryan Falchuk shares ideas to create better relationships in his new book, and how his writing process has changed over the course of his two books. This is a great episode for anyone who is looking to better a relationship or understand the journey that many authors experience. Key Takeaways:[4:30] - Bryan returns to the show to talk about what has changed since he was last on the show with the release of his first book. Bryan talks about the changes in his professional life, and the inflection points that have helped him navigate these changes.[7:03] - Bryan’s new book, The 50 75 100 Solution is all about focusing on how we engage with other people, and started with his relationship with his wife. [9:10] - Bryan talks about how and why he went about writing this new book. It stemmed from shifting his view of his relationship with his wife from what she was doing wrong to how they could both affect different behaviors from each other by presenting different versions of themselves. [14:04] - When he started applying the ideas from Open Heart, Clear Mind in his own life and with others, his book started to present itself and at that point, he had no choice but to write it. This was different than his first book because he was writing from the middle of the situation, rather than something he had had inside him for a long time.[18:45] - It is normal for an author’s first book to just flow, and then for them to struggle to start a second book. You often need more time to research and gain new life experiences. Charlie talks about the difference between explanatory and exploratory writing.[22:55] - The idea of the book is all about proportions or percentage of a relationship. Most people start out at 50/50 which is more “us vs them,” or each person showing up for themselves. 100 is when you’re each trying to make the other 100% better. [25:22] - 75 is where you have control over three quarters of the situation; this is made up of our actions and our reactions. In a relationship, our reactions are to the other person. Recognizing that you have control over what version you give another person to react to can lead to a virtuous cycle to get things to 100.[28:16] - “Better” in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean everything is fine, but it does mean that the situation is resolved to a point where there is less suffering. [32:30] - We often feel like someone is intentionally doing something to us to erode trust. There is usually something deeper going on there where they believe hurting you gives them more power. It can be hard in these cases to give people a different version of you.[37:25] - Charlie and Bryan talk about the evolution of the language of apologies, by acknowledging the suffering we may have caused. It’s also important to note your intention (or when something was not your intention).[40:57] - The book goes through different kinds of relationships and how this strategy might work. Bryan and Charlie talk about how this idea plays out for interactions with children. It focuses on the Buddhist principle of happiness seeking.[46:55] - Bryan’s strategy ties into the work Charlie and Angela have done around positive boundaries, and making space for people. This can play out in families, in the workplace, and really any relationship.[52:00] - There is a difference between pain and suffering. Suffering adds the human spiritual element to a situation. This is related to another Buddhist concept of non-attachment. This concept can be very empowering for your life.[55:20] - Bryan and Charlie talk about the struggle of presenting these Buddhist principles as someone who is not born a Buddhist. The principles Bryan talks about can play out in any type of relationship, but in some situations a different path may be needed. [1:00:59] - Bryan’s invitation / challenge is to think about a relationship and understand what happiness is at play in the relationship (for both parties), and how you can appeal to both of those needs. Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing, by Charlie GilkeyClean EmailProductive Flourishing Ep. 184Do a Day, Bryan FlachukThe 50 75 100 Solution, Bryan FalchukOpen Heart, Clear Mind, Thubten Chodron This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.productiveflourishing.com/subscribe

Angela joins Charlie on the show today to break down some of the recent events they’ve experienced in this last season of the year, focusing on a recent trip they went on and some lessons they learned from that trip.  Key Takeaways:[1:35] - Charlie’s new book, Start Finishing: How to Go From Idea to Done is out now! Productivity is how we become our best selves in the world. The book covers tools, practices, and mindsets that will help you finish the stuff your soul is yearning to do. There are contributions from Charlie’s friends, colleagues, and teachers. [5:35] - One of the huge things that happened for Charlie and the team this year was the launch of his book. That has been a big learning curve and celebration for the whole team at Productive Flourishing. One of the not-great things that happened this year was Angela getting two concussions.[8:00] - This year they also experienced pregnancy, miscarriage, and the death of their cat. This year was really a year of ups and downs for Charlie and Angela, and the difficulty has been taking in all the emotions as they were happening simultaneously. [13:15] - They recently took a vacation for joint self-care, so they could heal from the events of the year together. One thing that transformed the trip was setting up boundaries beforehand. [15:35] - The first lesson they talk about is disconnecting completely from work while they were on their trip. Technology was minimal - each of them break down what technology they brought and used on the trip. [21:45] - Many of Charlie’s productivity projects have been about solitude, but for Angela, she maintains contact with her phone more often. The days get a lot longer when they’re not stuck to their devices, and it allows more time for the people you love and want to connect with.[25:05] - The second lesson learned was how much decision fatigue weighs on us, and how much micro-decisions add up. You can enjoy certain types of experiences more when you don’t have to constantly make decisions about different things. This frees up a lot of energy. [28:25] - They carried this back with them when they got home. Angela talks about the idea that simplicity equals peace. Personally, she’s taken a few steps back from multi-tasking, and putting more singular attention into tasks throughout the day.[35:33] - One of the big takeaways of simplicity equals peace is that we have a choice. You have to ask yourself how you’re going to get things done, but you can also ask yourself how you want to be while you’re doing work.[37:30] - Think about one area of your life that’s not quite in alignment for you, and identify something you can change to help increase your productivity. [38:54] - The third lesson learned is how much control we have over keeping things simple and intentional. Angela talks about some of the frustrations around focusing on one single thing, but also about the increased mindfulness she’s learned from being off her phone more frequently.[41:45] - The fourth lesson they learned was using structured conversations to reconnect. The book The Eight Dates guided them through eight topics ranging from intimacy and sex to conflict and disagreement. Having the joint commitment to walk through the book helped them reconnect in a really powerful way.[46:20] - This vacation was one of the best gifts they have given themselves. The lessons learned and disconnecting from the rest of the world made all the difference in how they were able to connect. [48:10] - These lessons can be applied to your day-to-day or holiday activities coming up at the end of the year. Think about what it might be like to disconnect and be present during this season. How can you lower decision fatigue and make this season simpler? What structured conversations could you have with the people around you?Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing, by Charlie GilkeyClean EmailBlog Post on Miscarriage StoryEight Dates, by John and Julie Gottman This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.productiveflourishing.com/subscribe

Today’s guest is Erin Pheil, founder of the MindFix Group. She joins Charlie to jam about why it’s so hard to rewrite stories and change self-sabotaging scripts. They also talk about some things you can do when you’re tired of the same choices leading to the same actions. Key Takeaways:[0:05] - Charlie’s new book, Start Finishing: How to Go From Idea to Done is out now! Productivity is how we become our best selves in the world. The book covers tools, practices, and mindsets that will help you finish the stuff your soul is yearning to do. There are contributions from Charlie’s friends, colleagues, and teachers. If you’d like to pre-order a copy, click the link below.[4:00] - Erin ran a successful web agency for almost seventeen years, until she realized that it wasn’t something she wanted to do for the rest of her life. The fear around this thought was that her career was all she had ever known. After a series of rock bottoms, she started to see a therapist who showed her that the way she was looking at the world and seeing things was affecting everything else.[8:05] - She devoted all of her energy into learning how she could actually change what was going on in her head. When it became replicable, she realized this work was what she wanted to be doing. Our operating beliefs are the ones that are doing the driving, and tend to be the ones that drive our self-sabotage. [11:25] - Emotion drives action, and the language we use to describe things actually becomes the way we see and operate in the world. The stories, or head trash, tends to dominate. The piece of head trash impacts how events occur to us. This is the same principle as confirmation bias.[15:10] - People often struggle with what their “true” or “authentic” selves are. Different people can have different truths, and maybe the more important question is asking "what’s useful?" That can get us much further than “what’s true?” [17:50] - One of the most frustrating things about head trash is that we often realize the story we’re telling ourselves, and we know it’s not useful, but it’s difficult to change it. People hold on to these beliefs or stories because they feel like they have seen evidence in the world that it is true. [20:20] - In addition to our own stories, our cultures also have stories that become part of our mental narrative as evidence. When we have a belief that already has some evidence, every new bit of evidence that confirms the belief strengthens it, and we easily write off anything that doesn’t confirm it.[23:20] - The body keeps the score with all of our stories and head trash, and this can eventually manifest itself physically. Erin talks about some of the tests they use with their clients, and one of them is whether or not they can feel something in their bodies when they have those thoughts.[26:40] - People must learn to accept that it’s okay to have conflicting beliefs. They only accept one, and when they don’t acknowledge that they feel a certain way, they tend to suppress those beliefs or push them away. It takes energy to push things away, and when we accept them, sometimes the power dissolves.[31:20] - There is a connection between the body and the mind, but there are also some disanalogies that keep us stuck. It’s not quite as obvious when we push away mental beliefs versus physical manifestation.[32:55] - Erin talks about our beliefs and stories surrounding what’s possible with change. Our stories can anchor us down and prevent us from seeing our other successes.[36:45] - When it comes to goal setting with contradictory beliefs, Charlie talks about changing the directive. Instead of saying you can or can’t lose that weight or save that money, remain open and change the directive to “what would happen if I…” This curiosity is a useful tool to uncover what people’s specific head trash is.[41:40] - The work of uprooting head trash is daily work, because there are new things that pop up when we get rid of one thing. If it feels like there are other beliefs sprouting up, what you think you got rid of may not have been the root of the problem.[44:30] - The first step to getting unstuck from self-sabotage stories is to identify and uncover what the roots of our head trash are. Step two is dissolving and eliminating them, which is the main work of MindFix. The million dollar question for people to start asking themselves is “What would I have to believe to be true in order to keep experiencing this pattern over and over again?”[47:45] - Erin invites listeners to seriously ask themselves that million dollar question above, at least ten times a day. It is one of the most insightful questions that will help you learn about yourself in a short amount of time. Ask yourself that question and see what shows up. Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing, by Charlie GilkeyThe MindFix GroupThe Metaphors We Live By, George Lakoff and Mark Johnson This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.productiveflourishing.com/subscribe