Life Coaching with Christine Hassler

This episode is about communicating with someone who has more of a controlling and rigid personality structure. Today’s caller, Danielle, would like to reduce the friction between her and her husband when it comes to their parenting priorities. I coach Danielle on how to work with her husband to be a little less rigid and less controlling when it comes to her sons and when it comes to herself. And, how to get her sons to express themselves emotionally.   [For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode345]   When we are butting heads with someone, trying to get them to see our side of something will never work. Having curiosity and compassion for the other person’s model of the world and the way they see things is the way forward.   A lot of men, boys, and those who identify as masculine have been conditioned to suppress, to be less emotional, and that their value is the security and legacy they can provide or the money they can provide. Oftentimes emotional connection, the ability to be in their heart, the ability to trust, or to have more of a connection with their feminine side is difficult because there has been so much attention on the other.   Remember, when someone says that something made them stronger it generally doesn’t mean they now have the courage to be vulnerable and to seek help, to think deep into their wounds, to dig into their generational patterns to transform their experience.   When children are not raised with the ability to have autonomy, sovereignty, and speak up for themselves, it can go one of two ways. Either they become overly compliant and get pushed around or they become overly aggressive because they are trying to get their power back.   A lot of us can relate to us having differences in the way we see the world and what we think is right. Anytime we can heal a division in our home or within our families, it has a ripple effect elsewhere. So, at a time when it seems there is a lot of division, finger-pointing, and judgment in the world, shifting this in the home helps to collectively shift it.   Are you in a relationship right now and you would like the relationship to be better? Or, your relationship is at a point where it is falling apart and you want to save it? Would you like to know what makes a relationship work? You can at any time by going to christinehassler.com/relationshipcourse. Listeners of this podcast get $50 off with promo code ‘OVERIT’. Learn how to bring the zest back into your relationship.   Consider/Ask Yourself: Do you find there is someone in your life who is controlling and you wish they would be more intuitive and more emotionally available? Do you find it is hard to set boundaries with someone who is structured and set in their ways? Is it hard for you to have compassion for your partner or children because you are frustrated by what they are doing? Are you willing to see the little child inside of the adults you love and have compassion for the way they act the way they do?   Danielle’s Question: Danielle would like to know how she can enforce boundaries with her children while respecting her husband’s role in the family.   Danielle’s Key Insights and Ahas: She set boundaries to keep burnout at bay. She and her husband lead a busy lifestyle. She and her husband are both active military. Her husband is high-energy and she is more passive. She values her parenting skills. She wants her boys to grow up with sovereignty. Her boys are diagnosed with ADHD/ADD. Her husband may have wounds around his relationship with his father. She is triggered by her husband’s actions.   How to Get Over It and On With It: Carve some time out with her husband to ask him what he wished would have been different between him and his father. Realize her husband has a father wound and she may be dealing with a tender little boy inside. Acknowledge her husband when he does emotional work. Approach her husband in a way that doesn’t make him feel judged. Lean into her vulnerability and speak her needs in an empowered way. Create a fun way to empower her boys to express themselves.   Resources: Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner Christine on Facebook Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler @ChristinHassler on Twitter @ChristineHassler on Instagram @SacredUnionCouples on Instagram Assist@ChristineHassler.com — Males who want to be on the show Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show. Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.

Do you know the value of positive thinking but just can’t seem to shift out of negative thinking? This coaching session is about expectations and shifting negative patterns. During this call, we examine Danielle’s past to understand what formed her current expectations and get to the root of why she is sabotaging herself in relationships.

This episode is about releasing the judgment of our past decisions. Today’s caller, MJ, was betrayed by her ex-husband and when she divorced, became a single mother of two. As she focused on raising her children, she neglected her sensual side and has not been on a date. She would like guidance on how to reclaim her life and get more out of her interpersonal relationships. We talk a lot about betrayal and holding on to judgment of our past selves.   [For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode344]   Hindsight is 20/20. Many people can relate to making a choice in the past they probably wouldn’t make today that they are still beating themselves up for. When we do that to ourselves we are in the past and we completely block all the amazing things that can come into our present and future.   Sometimes we don’t forgive ourselves because we think that holding on to the judgment of ourselves will keep us from making the same mistake.   In order to have a life and a future, we must forgive our past. Not just the people in the past but the former versions of ourselves in the past. As long as we are beating ourselves up for our past decisions we are fractured. We are at odds with a part of ourselves.   Good luck having a rich, full, amazing life, being connected to our sensuality, having friendships, or having the relationship of our dreams if we are at war with a part of ourselves. We have to be at peace with all parts of ourselves.   Have compassion for yourself and know that you did the best you could in your past. We don’t have to stay at war with ourselves. We can invite all parts of ourselves into our hearts and deeply, truly, and fully forgive ourselves.   If you want to do deeper work and you resonate with my coaching, I encourage you to join Personal Mastery. It is the foundational training of my work. I take you through how to transform and heal on the emotional, mental, behavioral, and spiritual levels. There are so many tips and tools. Personal Mastery is also a community. There are monthly calls and a Facebook group. Get coached by me without being on the show. Go to ChristineHassler.com/mastery. Get $100 off the course by typing in 'OVERIT' as the promo code when ordering.   Consider/Ask Yourself: Was there a choice you made in your past you are still beating yourself up for? Have you been betrayed by someone or multiple people and you judge yourself for it? Do you have a difficult time connecting to your sensuality or sexuality? Have you been focused on raising your kids or your career, or both, and you want to get back out in the dating world but are not sure where to start?   MJ’s Question: MJ would like guidance on how to break down the emotional wall she put up after a divorce and flourish in her interpersonal relationships.   MJ’s Key Insights and Ahas: She divorced and became a single mother 10 years ago when her ex betrayed her by having a secret life. She has neglected her sensuality. She hasn’t been on a date in seven years. She has put up an emotional wall when it comes to friendships and romantic relationships. She felt ashamed of who she chose to marry. She holds a belief that you cannot completely rely on men. She was naive when she was younger. She hasn’t forgiven herself for marrying her first husband. She believed she needed to be punished.   How to Get Over It and On With It: Forgive herself and reclaim the lost part of herself by releasing the shame and judgment. Integrate her younger self back into her life.   Takeaway: Think about past parts of you that you hold judgment toward and forgive yourself to make yourself whole.   Resources: Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner Christine on Facebook Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler @ChristinHassler on Twitter @ChristineHassler on Instagram @SacredUnionCouples on Instagram Assist@ChristineHassler.com — Males who want to be on the show Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show. Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.

When Luke Storey hosted me on his podcast, we went on a deep dive into everything from revealing personal insecurities to ego pitfalls to relationship attachment style.   This episode has tools to cultivate self-love, set boundaries, and maintain healthier relations with yourself and those you invite into your life.   You can learn more about Luke or reach out to him about working with him at https://www.lukestorey.com/ Inner Child Workshop 

This episode is about giving yourself permission to have fun. Today’s caller, Vicky, hasn’t had fun in over a decade. She wants to but fears others will judge her for it. We work through what created the fear and how she can give herself a permission slip to express herself in joy without worrying about what others will think.   [For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode343]   Often, what we are projecting when we feel people are judging us is that we are judging ourselves. We need to challenge ourselves and say —  so what? —  if we are judged. What is the worst thing that can happen?   As a child, it can be scary. We can feel ostracized from school, we can feel like we are not getting our parents’ love but as adults, if someone judges us we can let it be OK. It is one of the great things about being an adult. We can handle judgment differently. We choose how we react.   If we do get devastated by someone else’s judgment, it means our inner child is being triggered. If that happens we have to parent our inner child and give them permission to have fun.   If it has been a week since you have had fun, it’s time to have some. We can’t be serious all the time, especially when there is so much stress, uncertainty, and heaviness. Fun, joy, and play are important. No matter how old we get, we cannot forget to play.   Consider/Ask Yourself: Have you just been working on yourself but haven’t had fun in a long time? Are you afraid to be expressive or fun because you are concerned you might be judged? Do you fall into the trap of not wanting to pursue things because you feel you must be perfect before you can do it? How often do you let your inner child come out and play?   Vicky’s Question: Vicky has done a ton of personal development work but still doesn’t authentically feel as if she has connected to joy.   Vicky’s Key Insights and Ahas: She is frustrated that she still doesn’t feel connected. She hasn’t had a lot of fun since her 20s. She wants to experience joy. She feels she has to work hard. She fantasizes about being goofy. She is afraid of judgment. She is a life coach but doesn’t feel she deserves the title. Her parents fought a lot in front of her. She felt pressured to keep the peace in her childhood family home. She doesn’t feel safe or seen. She didn’t get to have enough fun as a child. She gets caught up in “should be.”   How to Get Over It and On With It: Be present, curious, and explorative in the moment. Ask herself what she could do to make herself feel safe and seen. Lean into being goofy and having fun. Choose how she wants to respond when she feels not enough.   Resources: Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner Christine on Facebook Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler @ChristinHassler on Twitter @ChristineHassler on Instagram @SacredUnionCouples on Instagram Assist@ChristineHassler.com — Males who want to be on the show Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show. Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.

Michael Gay who is a therapist joins Christine to discuss how we deal and heal from trauma.  He has his M.A. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with a focus in Transpersonal Psychology. Michael has worked in the field of counseling for the last 14 years as a guide, therapist, and trainer. He was a Wilderness Therapy guide for 6 years, leading and facilitating deep transformational work with teens, adults, and families in the mountains and high desert. He has also worked extensively in the field of addiction and recovery. He specializes in work with depression, groups, trauma, PTSD, grief, and families. In addition to his M.A., Michael completed a 3 year training at the Gestalt Institute of the Rockies, and continues to train at the Gestalt Equine Institute. As a therapist and facilitator, Michael uses experiential and body based methods. Many approaches to therapy and inner work stay at the intellectual and cognitive level, which rarely or slowly affect deep structural change. Engaging in more experiential and embodied work seems to bring the shifts people were unable to find in mainstream therapy.  You can learn more about Michael or reach out to him about working with him at https://www.michaelgaycounseling.com/

This episode is about the healing benefits of being heard and being reflective. Today’s caller, Jonathan, didn’t feel seen or heard as a child by his controlling parents. He has competing intentions and would like guidance on how to be more vulnerable and intimate in relationships.   [For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode342]   When in any type of relationship, especially a romantic relationship, if it is hard for you to express yourself or get things out or you feel interrupted or judged, utilize the talking stick (any object). Go to your partner and tell them you wish to communicate something and that you want to use the talking stick. When you are holding the talking stick you are the only one talking. When you feel complete you hand it to your partner. It is a great practice if you have a hard time getting things out. It offers a sense of permission for those who wish to be heard.   Oftentimes, we interrupt each other a lot. There may be one partner who is more assertive and the other partner may retract more. The talking stick is a great remedy for relationships with communication issues.   Another effective communication tool is reflective listening or perception checking. When we slow down communication it builds trust and safety with other people.   When you have the avoidant attachment style one of the best ways to heal it is in relationship, practicing intimacy.   Consider/Ask Yourself: Did you feel seen and heard as a child? Did you spend a lot of time alone as a child? Do you still spend a lot of time alone today? Do you trust love? When things get too intimate, too vulnerable, or too close do you want to bail but you long for love at the same time?   Jonathan’s Question: Jonathan would like guidance on being intimate in close relationships with others and with himself.   Jonathan’s Key Insights and Ahas: His dad was controlling. He didn’t have friends over to play with as a child. He knew at age seven that he couldn’t trust love. He keeps intimate relationships at an arm’s length. He wants to be seen without judgment in relationships. He spent a lot of time alone in life. His father offered transactional love. He attracts women who are not in their healthy feminine who have similar traits to his mother. He took a self-discovery journey. He wants to be authentic but doesn’t find others who are authentic. He has competing intentions. People talk over him and interrupt him all the time. He tried structured environments but they were not for him. He feels unsafe and untethered. He is enrolled in the Elementum Coaching Institute.   How to Get Over It and On With It: Lean more into his masculine energy. Find people he can be authentic with and who listen to him. Anchor himself into who he is, what he believes, and what he desires. Write it out until it becomes clear. Embody his awareness. Ground himself.   Resources: Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner Christine on Facebook Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler @ChristinHassler on Twitter @ChristineHassler on Instagram @SacredUnionCouples on Instagram Assist@ChristineHassler.com — Males who want to be on the show Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show. Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.

This episode is about self-honoring choices, ultimatums, and jealousy in mother-daughter relationships. Today’s caller, Kristin, is looking for guidance in how to proceed after her mother gave her an ultimatum. We also look at the compensatory strategies Kristin has adopted in an effort to deal with things from her childhood.   [For show notes go here: Christinehassler.com/episode118]   What is a self-honoring choice? A self-honoring choice is an honest choice rooted in truth that comes from love. Kristin felt she was always in competition with her mother. She became a perfectionist as a compensatory strategy because she felt that she could only receive love if she was perfect. Through her growth work, she is starting to make self-honoring choices for herself.   What are you passionate about? What you are passionate about is often a tie into our spiritual curriculum and our parents are part of that curriculum. Remember, we choose our parents as our teachers. When our parents don’t see us for who we truly are, it can seem cruel. But, part of our soul journey is to heal from past cruelty.   What do you long for from your parents?   Be sure to check out Coaches Corner. Last week I talked about ghosting and flaky behavior, the week before I interviewed Jill about selling skills and I even answer questions. So, if you have a question for me, email assist@ChristineHassler.com.   Consider/Ask Yourself: Is there someone in your life you are not speaking to or have a strained relationship with? If you grew up with two parents, was one more challenging for you to get along with or close to? Do you tend to be attracted, date or marry people you feel you must earn their love? Do you know what self-honoring choices are? If so, do you make them regularly?   Kristin’s Question: Kristin would like to know how to approach her mother about a recent ultimatum.   Kristin’s Key Insights and Ahas: She was in an abusive relationship. She made a self-honoring choice. She was always in competition with her mother. Her mother was passive aggressive. She yearned for attention from her mother. Her parents had a horrible relationship. Her existence triggers her mother. She chose her mother.   How to Get Over It and On With It:   She should keep working on herself and stay strong to break the pattern of contorting herself to make her mother feel better. She should realize her mom may not be able to face her issues. She should continue making self-honoring choices.     Takeaways: Where are you not making self-honoring choices because you are trying too much to please people? And, where are you not making self-honoring choices because you are trying to be the bigger person vs. speaking your truth? Why did you pick your parents and what are they here to teach you? Let go of who you want your parents to be. Accept the fact that if your mother or father truly saw what they needed to see about themselves in order to give you the apology you crave, it might break them. Resources: Christine Hassler Christine Hassler Podcasts Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler @ChristinHassler on Twitter @ChristineHassler on Instagram Assist@ChristineHassler.com

This episode is about reducing a trauma response when communicating with people who matter to us. Today’s caller, Amanda, feels scared and goes into a trauma response when communicating with her partner. In her past, she felt disempowered in other relationships. She would like guidance on how to feel less afraid when communicating her needs.   [For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode341]   When we have been through a challenging situation or trauma that goes deep into our subconscious mind, body, and nervous system, we feel we have no power or control. That is why it is so traumatic. The more we empower ourselves to have control, speak our needs, and make a request the more we tell our body and nervous system that we are safe.   Anytime we are in a trauma response we are time-traveling. Our physical body is in the present moment but our nervous system is in the past. Our brain has a hard time distinguishing whether we are in a safe place or are we in trauma. Maybe we had no voice, no power, and no dominion over our experience when the trauma occurred. But, the more we can set ourselves up at the beginning, the less likely we are to time-travel into the trauma response.   In a relationship, as much as we are sovereign beings and know that no one can heal us, it is also reasonable and healing in a relationship to know each other's wounds. We can be sensitive to other people’s wounds and do our part to help the other person grow. We are entitled to make requests when we are taking responsibility. We cannot ask someone else to change until we own our end and are doing the work. Only then can we make a request of someone else.   My Personal Mastery course takes you through how to transform and heal on an emotional, mental, behavioral, and spiritual level. It is also a community with monthly group coaching calls and an interactive Facebook page. ChristineHassler.com/mastery. Get $100 off the course with the promo code OVERIT.   Consider/Ask Yourself:   Do you have trouble speaking up for yourself or communicating your needs? Do you often get angry and lash out because your needs aren’t being met and you are not communicating? Do you have difficulty calming yourself down when you are in a trauma response? Do you know what it means to regulate your nervous system when you are in a trauma response?   Amanda’s Question: Amanda would like guidance on how to feel less afraid when it comes to communicating her needs to her partner.   Amanda’s Key Insights and Ahas: She gets triggered when communicating with her partner. She sometimes abruptly leaves confrontation. When standing her ground, she can feel angry. She has done EMDR with her therapist. Her partner has big energy. She fears communicating her needs. She felt powerless when her dad remarried. She wants someone to stand up for her. She has been in an abusive relationship. She is committed to being vulnerable.   How to Get Over It and On With It: Move her energy by regulating her nervous system and getting herself into the present moment. Name her feelings when she wants to communicate. Remind herself she is a grown woman and her partner is not her stepmother. Have a conversation with her partner about a flinch response. Release the rage she feels toward her stepmother and ex through release writing and the temper tantrum technique.   Resources: Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner Christine on Facebook Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler @ChristinHassler on Twitter @ChristineHassler on Instagram @SacredUnionCouples on Instagram Assist@ChristineHassler.com — Males who want to be on the show Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show. Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.

People pleasing will not get you the kind of love you long for. Why? Well, when you are putting other people’s needs before your own, you are not being honest. You are not showing up authentically. People pleasing can range in severity from caring about what people think to being a doormat. In my view, no degree of people pleasing is a good thing and being a complete doormat is dangerous. Think of a doormat after being used over and over. This is what happens to your spirit and your spark if you allow people to walk all over you. Your light starts to dim. You start to fade and you start to wear down.    The Importance of Connection When Going Through a Loss We are not meant to grieve alone.  One of the most healthy aspects of grieving is having support. You may find it hard to ask for help but you are giving another person a gift when you are vulnerable with them. Do not suffer in silence and solitude. The things that help the most are often the hardest to do. During difficult times, we need to do the hard things to get to the healing place we long for.  Today’s caller Shaun called in for some guidance while going through his divorce. He may be putting himself last and has a habit of people pleasing which is making his divorce harder. Don’t lose sight of yourself during a loss. I encourage you to be honest with yourself about your people pleasing patterns. Coaches take note - I try to stay as clear and neutral as I possibly can, but during some calls, like this one, I slip from empathy to sympathy. I found myself being protective of Shaun and judgmental of the situation. I then moved back to neutrality which allowed me to guide Shaun appropriately. Consider/Ask Yourself: ● Are you going through a loss right now and feel disconnected? ● Do you relate to being a people pleaser or a doormat?  ● Are you concerned about what people think of you and often put others’ needs and opinions in front of your own? ● Is there someone in your life you need to draw some boundaries with? ● Do you have a solid support system of people or just one person you can turn to who will listen when you are going through something challenging?   Shaun’s Question: Shaun would like to know how to get un-stuck after being blindsided by a breakup from a 15-year marriage. He wants advice on how to move past the situation.   Shaun’s Key Insights and Aha’s: ● He has a pattern of taking care of others at his own expense. ● He may be losing his identity. ● He doesn’t have a social circle for support. ● He should reach out to new people and ask for help.      How to get over it and on with it: ● He should step into his power and his strength and put himself first. ● He should meet new people and join new groups. ● He has the opportunity to gain healthy friendships.   Tools and Takeaways: ● Be honest and look at the ways your people pleasing could be depleting you, blocking intimacy and potentially building resentment. ● Listen to this week’s Coaches Corner for additional tips. ● Reach out to people, ask for support or just ask them to listen. ● Write down one thing which will help you the most but may be hard for you to do.   Resources: Christine Hassler Expectation Hangover @christinhassler on Twitter @christinehassler on Instagram Christine@christinehassler.com Jill@christinehassler.com