MINDSET ZONE

In this Episode, I interviewed Eric Zimmer the host of the podcast "The One You Feed.” "The One You Feed" podcast was named Best of 2014 by iTunes, and it's an amazing collection of open minded discussions of habits, wisdom, psychology, philosophy, and motivation. Eric starts his episodes with a short story that explains the title of his podcast: An old grandfather told his grandson: “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, and resentment. The other is good. It is joy, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and bravery.” The boy thought about it, and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old man quietly replied, “The one you feed.” In this conversation Eric and I discuss: - One of Eric’s favorite stories, "The Second Arrow" - "I’ll be happy when” mindset and its alternatives - Fixed Mindset and Growth Mindset (Dr. Carol Dweck) - How can we stop the reactive cycles in our lives - The power of stories Subscribe to The One You Feed podcast at OneYouFeed.net If you want a weekly mindset workout, make sure you are subscribed to MINDSET ZONE podcast via iTunes, or Stitcher.

For many of you, last week's episode was very conceptual with no practical application. I want to celebrate that :) It’s essential to have activities that don't seem to have practical applications, or use business language, with no tangible Return Of Investment – ROI. We know that children need to play to learn new skills and develop as people. Yet, as adults we forget that we also need to keep playing in order to better ourselves. I have a six year-old daughter, and I totally understand the need to contain the areas where she plays. This way, I keep some order in my house and myself sane. I love inventions such as sandboxes, where we can let kids have fun, knowing that the mess is somewhat contained. So, when I learned that in software development it’s very common to use the term "sandbox" to describe a safe place to try new software, I thought: “What a brilliant use of the term. Why not create something similar to use for our businesses and lives." Imagine if we could create a place where we could try things, and play with concepts, without worry about getting too messy or off track. For me, my podcast MINDSET ZONE, is my sandbox :) Here, I play with concepts, explore ideas, even invite special guests, and pick their brains around a certain topic. I even have playmates. People like you, who listen to this podcast and send me their comments and feedback. This way, I know what resonates with my favorite peeps. Playing in this MINDSET ZONE sandbox, I learn what concepts don't work, and I have to let them go. I discover what mindset workouts work better. I also play with ideas that I can use in live presentations or webinars. I can develop my speaking material, while playing in podcasting - and I love it. I can start to articulate concepts that maybe one day get organized and edited in a book - who knows! Even, if I don't materialize any of these ideas, I still think the time and effort to do this podcast, it's totally worth it, because I'm enjoying the process :) This containment gives me freedom to play - and I like it :) Do you have a sandbox? Your sandbox can be for play at a professional level or to add some enjoyment to your personal life. It can be a hobby, or whatever allows you to create that safe space where you can just play for the fun of it.

To provide a mindset workout is my goal for every episode of my podcast. I want to create a space where you come to exercise your mind, such as when you go to the health club to keep yourself healthy and in shape. In the last episode – 26: Do People Really Change? – I went back in time 2,400 years, to Ancient Greece to illustrate the point that the question “Do People Really Change?" is not a new one. There I spoke about philosophers who argued that nothing really changes. They reasoned that everything we perceive as changes are merely illusions of our senses. This is a true paradox. If we look to the origin of the word paradox, we learn that it’s the conjunction of two Greek words: PARA that means "contrary to" and DOXA that means “opinions" or "to appear.” A concept contrary to appearance is a paradox. So, when we look around, we see things changing but maybe they are not changing – this interpretation is a paradox because it’s contrary to what it appears to be. And yes, this makes our brain twist a little. It creates new connections between neurons in our brain. It causes some confusion, and makes us question if what we think is actually true. It’s a great workout for our minds. In this episode, I want to describe some paradoxes created by Zeno - a student of Paramenides. The reason why I want to twist your mind with these paradoxes, is because they are great illustrations of how we can question deep ingrained beliefs - in this case, that things change. It makes us question our own perceptions. Stay with me. In Ancient Greece, Paramenides and Zeno had to convince other philosophers to trust their reasoning more than their senses. So Zeno devised several situations that question what we perceive as change using strong logical arguments. I’m going to speak about two paradoxes that focus on movement. Paradox One Suppose that you want to go from point A to point B. In order to do this, you first have to get to the half point between A and B - let us call it point C. Now, to go from C to B, you have to first get to the half point between C and B - let us call it point D. Then for going from D to B, you have to get to the half point between D and B - let us call it point E. Are you getting the point? (Pun intended.) We will run out of letters of the alphabet, and there still be a half point before we ever arrive to B. So logically, by following this reasoning, it is impossible to really arrive at point B. I know that you can walk from point A to point B, but logically we can argue that you are doing the impossible. I warned you that this was a brain twister. See video below: jQLeadBrite("#leadplayer_video_element_5520D0E8120F6").leadplayer(false, "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"); Ready to another? Paradox Two Following the same logic, suppose that you have a race between Achilles and the tortoise. Achilles gives the tortoise a head-start. By the time that Achilles reaches the place from which the tortoise started, the tortoise has already advanced to another point; when Achilles reache...

I’m fascinated by change - if you listen regularly to this podcast you may have noticed that. Change has been the focus of my professional life. When I started as a psychotherapist, I helped people overcome problems in ways that changed how they lived their lives. Afterwards, as a life coach, I focused on supporting people to reach their goals and potential. This also implies change. Now, as a business coach, I assist service professionals to change their mindsets to become more impactful change-makers. Yet, once in a while, I have friends who ask “Do people really change?" This question is not new Back in Ancient Greece, many philosophers also wonder about this. They questioned change in general. In fact, there was a group of philosophers who argued that nothing really changed. They said that what we perceive as change is merely an illusion of our senses. In the fifth century BC, Parmenides argued that nothing can become anything other than it is. It’s a total contradiction of what we perceive - it’s a paradox. Yet, the logic behind it is solid and mind-boggling. And Paramenides' ideas had a big impact on philosophy and in the development of science. For me, this idea that nothing changes is very contra-intuitive. And I have the tendency to think that it will be contra-intuitive to other people too. Yet, when I think about expressions that people often say: He is what he is.” “He was born like that.” “People don’t really change.” “It runs in the family.” “It’s in their genes." Maybe the question “Do people really change?” is asked so often, because for some people that’s what their intuition or experience tells them. Going back to Ancient Greece, to the fifth century BC There was another group of philosophers who argued that everything flows, everything is always changing. The most well-known is Heraclitus. Even if you don’t know his name, probably you are familiar with one of his quotes: No man ever steps in the same river twice." Or the longer version: No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." I love this quote, yet I also recognize that this idea of constant flow, constant changing, it can be felt as lack of stability, confusion, even chaos. For instance, think about our technological world. The pace of change is so fast that sometimes it can make us feel uneasy, and wish for more stable ground. If you had to decide between these two extremes - nothing can change or everything is in a constant state of change - which would you pick? Difficult choice. And what I love about philosophy is that it shows us that there is at least a third option, an option that transcends these opposites. Back to the 5th century BC, Empedocles proposed the idea that both Parmenides and Heraclitus were right. Yes, nothing changes AND everything changes is possible. If we believe that everything in nature consists of four elements - earth, air, fire, and water - and that these elements never change, yet can be mixed in various combinations. How is it possible that four elements to be the basis of everything we see? Think of a painter who has the red, yellow, and blue – and can mix these primary colors to become all other colors. Or think about atoms. Yes, there are more than four atoms, yet we believe that everything in nature is made of atoms. I love philosophers and thought leaders who help us transcend opposites. How to apply these ideas to how we see change in ourselves For instance, we can work very hard to change characteristics that are very ingrained in ourselves. Or we can work to accept these characteristics as a given that we can’t change. Yet,  now we have a third option. Why not use our energy to mix and match these characteristics so that we produce our desired outcomes. Similar to a painter who has a limited palette,

The topic of this episode is Learning and Change  – and how can we learn from our relapses, and missteps. First of all, I want to correct a mistake I did in Episode 23: Understanding Change - and Why Is So Difficult to Change, where I spoke about a specific model to explain change that was developed by a team of psychologists in the 1990s: Prochaska, Norcross, and Diclemente. I said that according to this model, if someone wants to change a habit or behavior, they will go through a 5-Stage Process. My mistake was to describe this system with only 5 stages, when the authors speak of 6 stages. The book that popularized this model, is titled: Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program For Overcoming Bad Habits And Moving Your Life Positively Forward. When I was publishing Episode 23, I realized my mistake, and I could have postponed the release of the episode. Yet, I decided to go ahead with it, because I’m on a mission to embrace my courage to be imperfect – listen to Episode 16 to know more about this – and I knew I could do another episode to correct that misinformation. So, for the record, this Change Process is described as a having 6 stages: Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation If we are at this stage, we don’t see any need to change. Stage 2: Contemplation As the name suggests, we start to realize that there is something that we are better off changing. Stage 3: Preparation We start to devise a plan with concrete action steps and implementation dates. Stage 4: Action We do it. Stage 5: Maintenance We consolidate the new habits, behaviors, and patterns. And very important: Stage 6: Recycling – Learning from Relapse This last stage reminds us that the change is not a linear process, where you go from stage 1, to 2, then 3, then 4, and 5. There are ups and downs, steps backwards and forwards. The secret is to keep going, and learn from the relapses. In fact, Prochaska, Norcross, and Diclemente, speak about several lessons we can learn from this last stage. For instance, we know that: - It’s rare to change a habit on our first attempt. - Trial and error is not a very effective method  – instead, learn from other people who have done it, and master the change you are trying to achieve. - If you relapse, that means that you have done some action. Keep learning, and translating that learning into actions, and you will be able to create better habits in your life. How does knowing that relapse is common and even a part of the change process, help you move forward? For me, the lesson is to see a relapse as an opportunity to learn something new. Pick ourselves up again, and keep moving forward. This reminds me of a skill that people who achieve big things have developed. As I spoke in Episode 3: Failure and The Way To Success - we must build a strong failure resilience if we want success. And as my interview with Andrea Waltz - in Episode 22 – show clearly, the image of the fork in the road – with one road that leads to success and the other to failure – is misleading. Success happens if we are willing to endure failures (it’s part of the path).

Last episode I spoke about why it’s so difficult to change, and I knew then that I had to bring Whitney Hutten to this podcast. Whitney believes that to stop changing and start shifting, is the best strategy to make what you want happen. Her mission is to help professionals to get 10 to 15 hours back every week, so they can focus on their health, relationships, and personal life – without feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or guilty. During this interview, you'll shift your mindset about change. You will learn: - Why you should remove the word “change” from your vocabulary - How-to make shifts that produce long lasting results - 3 Simple Steps to Start Shifting (Focus - Meaning - Plan) Find more about Whitney Hutten at whitneyhutten.com

A quarter of 2015 has already past. I’m wondering if this year you did any New Year's Resolutions that implied a big change in your life. The reality is that for most people, even if they honestly intended to change some important aspect of their lives – from exercising more, losing weight, and so forth – probably, by now, they have gone back to their old habits. If what you want to change is really important to you, please don’t give up or wait until next year to try again. Start to understand: Why It's So Difficult To Change Maybe understanding how the change process works, can help you to achieve your goals. If you think: "I don’t have enough will power." "I’m never going to be able to do it." "I tried it before and it didn’t work." And any other excuses that your internal saboteur creates... (Yes, you are not alone, everybody has a personal critical voice that tries to undermine their self-esteem, but that is a theme for another podcast.) Keep reading and see what we can learn from how psychologists explain the change process. First - it’s important to notice that psychology sees change as a process, not as an isolated event. Second - the change process is complex enough to have many models to explain it. Lets focus on a particular model of change as an example. Model of Change This Model of Change was developed by a team of psychologists in the 1990s (Prochaska, Norcross, and Diclemente)***. It emerged from the studies of successful self-changers, that is, people who successfully changed important behaviors in their lives without professional help (for instance, to stop smoking). According to this model, if someone wants to change a habit or behavior, they will go through a 6-Stage Process***. Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation If we are at this stage, we don't see any need to change. Our friends and family can think otherwise, but we don’t agree with them. Imagine, that we usually spent more than 8 hour seated during our day. Our friend, a fitness expert, has warned us about the dangers of a sedentary life, but we rationalize. Yes, but… "I go to the health club a couple of times a week." “I try to eat healthy." “I’m not overweight." [...or whatever excuse we use to justify that we are fine, and we really don’t need to change.] Stage 2: Contemplation As the name suggests, we start to realize that there is something that we are better off changing. Yet, we don’t know how, or we don’t feel quite ready to do it. For instance, in our example of spending more than 8 hour seated. We are still using the same excuses, but now we feel guilty because we know better. We start to believe that our friend – the fitness expert – is right. Maybe we read an article that supports her views, or maybe our last blood work shows some levels that could improve. We know that we should do something to become more active, but it’s easier to create another good excuse. "It’s not the right time." “After this project is done, I will have more time." “I really don’t know how to go about changing this." We can spend lots of time in this stage, spinning our wheels without going anywhere. Stage 3: Preparation Eventually, we can move to the preparation stage, where we really start to devise a plan with concrete action steps and implementation dates. “OK, I’m going to implement what I read in this article. I’m going to set a timer for 60 mn. When it sounds, I will go for a walk around the house." Then, if we don’t take a step backwards and start to doubt our own plans – “Really, I walk around the house. I should be running. Walking around the house, what difference that makes?” – we move on to the action stage. Stage 4: Action We do it. When the clock sounds, we get up and walk around the house. We start to modify our behavior. This stage has all the glory, but could not happen without the previous stages.

In this episode, I interviewed Andrea Waltz about the book she co-authored with Richard Fenton: Go for NO! YES is the destination NO is how you get there I spoke about this book in Episode 3 – Failure and The Way to Success. I was thrilled with this opportunity to speak with Andrea about some of the key concepts behind her book. We have a natural tendency to avoid NO, and that probably has to do with our fear of rejection. We are social animals, and this means that we seek social acceptance. If we see a NO as a rejection, that NO hurts, and we tend to avoid situations that can lead to hearing a NO. Yet, if we study highly successful people, they don’t see NO or failure as a negative experience. Nonetheless, that goes so much against our natural tendency, and the way we were raised, that makes us wonder if those people have a success gene that we lack. “Your fear of hearing the word ‘no’ is the only thing standing between you and greatness.”( Go for NO!, pg. 28) If this is true, is there a way we can learn to be more at ease with NO, even to want to hear NO? That’s why I love the Go for NO! book. In less than 75 pages, Richard and Andrea tell us a powerful story that will shift the way you see a NO forever. Listen to this interview to learn: - How the image of the fork in the road – with one road that leads to success and the other to failure – is misleading. - How failing and being a “failure” are two very different concepts - How having the goal of getting a “NO” for an answer can literally change your destiny Find more about Andrea Waltz and Richard Fenton at GoForNo.com Join their Facebook group and take advantage of the challenges they organize.

This is the last episode around the book: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz To summarize, The Four Agreements are: First Agreement: Be impeccable with your word Second Agreement: Don't take anything personally Third Agreement: Don't make assumptions Fourth Agreement: Always do your best Today, I’m going to focus on the last agreement: Always do your best. Don Miguel Ruiz defines this Fourth Agreement as: 1. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret 2. Your best is going to change from moment to moment (it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick) I love how he articulates “Always do your best” because it brings balance to this agreement. If you take only the first part of the definition – simply do your best under any circumstance – we put an enormous burden on our shoulders. If you have the tendency to be a perfectionist, you would zoom into this part of the agreement and use it as a great excuse to feed your perfectionism. If you have the tendency to be a workaholic, you would zoom into this part of the agreement and use it as a great excuse to keep working and working, and working. I have to remind myself about the work of Brené Brown that I spoke about in episode 16: Courage To Be Imperfect. Perfectionism is not the same as striving to be our best.Perfectionism is different than self-improvement. I have to keep in mind the second part of the definition - our best is going to change from moment to moment. Do our best, even be our best, is different from trying to be perfect. I believe that if we fall into the trap of going for perfection, we are not doing our best. We'll be procrastinating because of the fear of not being perfect. These two parts of the definition of “Always do your best” are like the 2 sides of a coin. They exist together. To the perfectionists out there (including me), I want to read a passage from the book that I think is essential in order to live The Four Agreements: You don't need to judge yourself, feel guilty, or punish yourself if you cannot keep these agreements.If you’re doing your best, you will feel good about yourself even if you still make assumptions, still take things personally, and still are not impeccable with your word.If you do your best always, over and over again, you will become a master of transformation. Life is a journey of learning. Enjoy it.

On the last episode, I spoke about “Don't take anything personally” – the second agreement from the book: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. In this episode, I focus on the Third Agreement – Don't make assumptions. Don Miguel Ruiz summarizes this agreement as: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really wantCommunicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama Don't Make Assumptions Easier said than done. We have a natural tendency to make assumptions. That’s not the real problem. The problem is to believe that the assumptions we make are the truth. As I referred to in episode 18, in Social Psychology, there are researchers who study how individuals explain their own behavior as well as that of others. I spoke about the Attribution Theory that helps us understand how people make these interpretations and attributions. We can understand assumptions as a type of attribution we make about other people's behavior. It’s the reverse of the coin of the second agreement – not to take things personally, because what others say and do is a projection of their own reality. Following the same logic: the way we interpret what others do, is a projection of our own internal reality. It’s based on our personal stories. Because we take our assumptions as the best explanation of reality, it’s easy to fall into the cycle of complaining and blaming others for what we feel and do - it’s their fault. It’s easier to to try to make others wrong, than to have the courage to face our own gremlins. Think of This scenario... We send out a work proposal via email. After a couple of days, still no response. Our assumptions start to take over: “I knew that I was asking too much."“They are ignoring my email."“After so much time I spent for free with them, they could at least answer." Why not pick up the phone and check what’s going on? There are other possibilities that explain their lack of response. And sometimes, even if our assumptions are true, remember, it’s not about you – don't take it personally. For Instance, Imagine That... We meet in a conference and have a great conversation, even exchange contact information. Then, you are in the airport waiting for your flight to go back home. You see me at a distance. For a moment you think I also saw you, but I walk away. You can assume I have ignored you - and there is the possibility that you are right. If your next assumption is that “I don’t like you” – you are probably wrong. During a busy conference, I use all my extrovert energy to the maximum of my capacity. As soon as I get into the airport, my introvert self takes over. I usually withdraw from social interaction, and if I saw you and thought that you didn’t see me, I would probably walk away. Nothing to do with you. Just me being too tired to interact. The Point Is: We are wired to make assumptions, yet, that doesn't make them true. [Tweet "We are wired to make assumptions, yet, that doesn't make them true."] How Can We Stop Our Tendency To Think Our Assumptions Represent Reality? One possibility is to take the mindfulness approach. Assumptions are thoughts. We can recognize that we have them and then let them go. Be present in the moment and don’t let ourselves get stuck in that specific thought. Once again: easier said than done. Yet, it’s a skill that we can master with practice. Just by doing it, over and over again. Become aware of your thoughts and feelings, accept them without attaching or reacting to them, then let them go. MORE... We can make other people’s lives easier by communicating with them as clearly as we can, and be as impeccable with our words as possible. And if you feel overwhelmed, just tune in for the next episode of this podcast. I’m going to focus on the last agreement “Always do your best” and you will find ...