Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

Ever felt "flat" in life? Like you've done a lot of the things you were "supposed" to do, but you're still not fulfilled? Or perhaps you just have this nagging feeling that more is possible.This is often a subtle pattern, but it's one we've seen in a number of our clients. Some have got a pretty good relationship with pretty good sex, but the sense that the level of depth and closeness with their partner could be much richer. Others have experienced success in certain aspects of life (i.e. job/career), and are struggling because it almost seems a bit "selfish" to want or expect more. But they yearn for, yes, more.If you've ever had a gnawing feeling of emptiness, or a growing suspicion that there's MORE to be experienced in your life, you're not alone. And you're not wrong. We frequently find that the men showing up with this kind of pattern do have a way out, and that what's waiting on the other side of the path forward is more glorious than perhaps they were even anticipating.

How did you know when you stopped being a boy and became a man (if that's how you identify)? And if you're raising a son, how will he know when he's a man?Rites of passage are critical to our development as humans ... but they're sorely missing from mainstream culture. Indigenous cultures and first nations have much to teach here.A big issue in mainstream culture is that there's little guidance for dads on how to guide boys into becoming the healthy masculine. There's a lot of talk about toxic masculinity; we know what we don't want, but how do we teach boys what we do want?Luke Entrup's son is 11 years old, about to be 12. And his question has been, "How do I do my part to raise a good man?" So he's leading a rite of passage retreat for fathers and sons -- specifically, fathers and sons where the boys are aged 10-14.Here we discuss rites of passage across the ages, the relationship between fathers and sons; how to have a healthy connection with men; what it means to be a healthy dad; how to help teenage boys resist the cultural programming that "Any form of emotion is a sign of weakness, and if you show it you’ll get torn up socially"?; and how to raise good men.Memorable quotes from this episode:"A fear a lot men have is, 'Your power is dangerous. You hurt people.'""Initiation takes a level of bravery.""As men, pain turns into numbness. Numbness turns into rage. And beneath it all is the pain of the past.""How do I show up as a good dad?"For more info on the retreat:The Father-Son Connection Experience: A Rite-of-Passage for Boys and Their Father-FiguresLuke's website and podcast

Ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy, or heard about Nice Guy Syndrome and related to it? If you've identified yourself as a Nice Guy, you may have the feeling, "Where do I go from here?"Jason, a self-proclaimed recovering Nice Guy, goes through the steps related to overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome. Instead of being a Nice Guy, there's a new archetype: the Kind Man.Overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome includes addressing the pattern of rumination (being in your head a lot, obsessing about what the right thing to do is); addressing the need to please (i.e. not rocking the boat); as well as even figuring out know what you want in the first place. A lot of our clients report having trouble even figuring out what they want at first, which makes it a lot harder to get it!Fortunately you don't have to stay stuck in Nice Guy Syndrome forever -- there are concrete steps to take to overcome this pattern and feel your sense of freedom and power around sex, dating, relationships, work, and life overall.

Here are 4 common questions I get from men, whether clients or listeners like you:How do I approach a woman at the gym or grocery store or other public place?How do I approach someone I work with to date? What do I do if I contend with erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation (PE) and find that that blocks me from even approaching women at all?Which dating app should I use, and how do I regulate myself around the apps (i.e. not checking them all the time)?Here, I answer all four of these questions. I address the common pattern I find in the men I work with around not wanting to "bother" women, and describe how to respectfully approach a woman in a public environment.I also cover how to lead a conversation with a coworker around asking her out. There are certain things you can bring up that will have her feel safe and desired at the same time. I also talk about the tricky nature of navigating power dynamics (she's your manager, or you're hers, for example). As I mention in the episode, social science research suggests that one-third of folks who date someone from work end up marrying that person. So there’s definitely something to be said for it.And if you find yourself not even approaching women at all because you're still looking to overcome erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation (PE), then definitely take a listen! I don't think this needs to block you from dating; you can simply communicate with women about it in a way that feels good to both you and them, and I give you some language on how to do just that.Finally, I talk about which dating apps I recommend, why, and how we recommend clients handle the use of them (i.e. how to avoid being on them constantly).Note: This episode is an experiment. I'm testing it out to see if this is valuable, so let me know! If you find it helpful or you have a question of your own you'd like answered, hit me up at dearmenpodcast at gmail.com. I'm listening!

If you’ve ever had the experience of being too scared to approach or pursue the women you really want, this one’s for you. (It’s also for you if you’ve ever felt like you were settling for a partner, rather than feeling thrilled and pumped to be with them.)Many men we work with have found themselves dating or even marrying women who approached them — in other words, they haven’t felt empowered to go after the women they really wanted.But this often means that they’re not the ones choosing to get into the relationship — sometimes they’ve fallen into it. Here, we talk about sex, dating, relationships, and choice. Because often, when we think we’re stuck or can’t get what we want, we’re really talking about how to work with our anxious/avoidant attachment style. Fortunately it’s more than possible to do so, heal trauma, and enjoy a flourishing sex and love life.

Ever wished you could be a fly on the wall while women talked frankly about their sex lives!? We got you. Here, four of us women who have sex with men go into detail around the best sex we've ever had. We talk about dating, relationships, and what made certain men stand out when it came to the sex part.A few things that made the cut: blow jobs, being tied up, oral sex (him going down on her), intercourse, destination sex, getting wet, anticipation, kink, and "The Jump-Off Guy" (you're definitely gonna wanna hear about that one!).Memorable quotes from this episode:"He had me blindfolded so he was like, 'I'm going to take care of you, and I'm going to do all the work.'" ;)"You know when you meet up with an ex and it's like, 'Do we or don't we?'""He was very curious and made sure to know what I liked and what I didn't like."

Ever frozen up around someone you found attractive? It can be exceedingly frustrating — you're fine around other people, but put you in front of a beautiful woman and your system just shuts down. Before you can even get to dating someone, having sex, or being in a relationship, you've got to talk to them, right!?Many of our single clients want to be confident with women. Yet many men report getting triggered before any kind of interaction at all. Thoughts like these interrupt:"Why would she ever be into me?""I don't even like my body. Why would she like my body?""I’m 35 and not married yet. What's wrong with me?"Underlying all of these kinds of thoughts is the issue of worthiness. We've all heard the adage that you've got to be able to love yourself before you're truly able to love another — but how do you get there? How do you overcome deep-seating self-loathing? The feeling of never being enough is an exhausting one to carry around. Fortunately, you don't have to keep shouldering that burden alone.For example, here are a few thoughts Jason used to have: "Why would she ever want me? I don't have enough experience. I don't get why she'd pick me over other guys."Now he's married to a woman who cherishes and respects him, and is a heathy father to boot. The truth is, overcoming the freeze response is related to your own sense of self-image, as well as your bodymind's capacity to hold intensity. And all of that is changeable, workable, and capable of transformation.If you've ever had thoughts like, "I'm tired of being alone" or, "I'm scared I'll never meet someone," then this episode will also be relevant for you.The Dear Men podcast episode mentioned on this episode (on children of neglect): Episode 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (ft. Jason Lange)"If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive." - Dr. Brené Brown

There's a critical dating/relationship skill that some men have mastered, and it makes a huge difference on our side. It makes us feel special and also has us relax such that we can show up in our most exquisite, sexy radiance. But we'll rarely explicitly ask for it. Kinda like certain things in sex, we don't always say this out loud, but it's on our minds and in our hearts.What's great is that it's not even a difficult skill! A lot of our clients say things like, "Wow, this is easier than I was expecting." But it pays dividends in terms of boosting polarity.It's also a relevant skill whether you're dating or in a committed relationship. If you want a woman to love spending time with you, get this down. Becoming adept at this skill will have women feel more secure with you and more turned on.The exquisite hotness of a man with a plan cannot be underestimated.

Ever wondered what it's actually like to open up a relationship -- meaning explore ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also known as polyamory? Whether you're wanting more or different kinds of sex, or just more connection, love, and variety in your relationships, your desires are valid, and being in an open relationship can be healthy and fulfilling.But open relationship/polyamory can be a confusing and scary thing to bring up. How do you say, "I want us to stay together and date other people" without triggering your relationship partner? That said, different kinds of relationships can actually be a better fit for many. Maybe even you and your partner?If you've ever wanted to know how to responsibly transition a marriage or other long-term relationship from monogamy to more, listen to this. We explore Joli's work guiding couples through the process of opening up, including how to navigate "the flip." No, this isn't a sex position ;) -- it's when the partner who brought up opening up sometimes becomes less enthusiastic later on.This can be worked through, of course, as can all the other anxieties or uncertainties associated with the process. And the truth is, a lot of both sexual fulfillment as well as emotional maturity and health can result in the process of opening up.A few notable quotes from this episode:“If my partner wants more, I must not be enough.”“We expect monogamy to protect us from jealousy.”“If I’m a people-pleaser and you’re a people-pleaser, how come no one is pleased?”“I believe that conscious relationships work.”Books mentioned on this episode:PolysecureOpen DeeplyOpen MonogamyOpen Relationships by Dr. Liz PowellJoli's site: joliquiz.com

Ever been in a relationship where you felt like she was nitpicking at you, like you could never do anything right? Or ever been in a phase where it felt like she was never happy with you, and was sharp and poky or picked fights for seemingly no reason?Real talk: When I feel loved and cherished by my man, little things don't bother me as much. But when I question that love or don't feel cherished, then I feel triggered all the time ... and I don't show up as the warmest, most loving version of myself. (Also we tend to have less sex when we're not in a connected phase.)This is partly a love language issue. Once we're out of the honeymoon phase during dating, which according to neuroscientists actually lasts close to two years, it can feel like we don't know what went wrong. We used to get along so well; we used to have incredible sex and things felt easy. Now it feels harder.Our culture doesn't teach this, but a large part of a healthy, conscious relationship involves learning how to love each other well. We're not born knowing that. And love languages are a critical part of this. Love languages are how we feel loved by our partners. We may know intellectually that they care about us, but those warm and safe, connected feelings don't just stick around.Listen to hear about the five different love languages, the different dialects within them, and how to apply these in a practical way to love your partner better and feel more loved yourself.Other memorable quotes from this episode:"Seafood and me are not friends""First you need the self-awareness around how YOU feel loved""Ultimately we're talking about teaching each other how to love one another well"