249: Feel like you can never get it right with her? This relationship pattern could be behind it (ft. Jason Lange)

Ever experienced the relationship pattern where she essentially says, "I was hurt by this thing you did," or, "I need you to love me better/differently" — and then you feel like you've failed, pull away, and maybe even have the desire to just stop trying altogether?

Whether you're in a dating relationship or a long-term, committed relationship like a marriage, this is a very common relationship pattern. It can be easy for women to be critical or share feedback in ways that are not at all constructive (sometimes even bullying). And it can be easy for a man, when he feels he has let down/disappointed his partner, to get defensive or withdraw (or both), which can trigger even more upset. This, then, can affect your sex life as well as your emotional intimacy.

How do two people meet in the middle here? How does she soften and share feedback in an openhearted way, and how does he receive it without collapsing and/or entering into a shame spiral?

The good news is that it is possible to grow here, and for both partners to meet each other in the middle.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Hearing that nothing was ever good enough for her made me withdrawal into passivity and inaction. Why do anything for her when I’m always going to be shot down for trying?"
• "One of the masculine’s main fears: We can’t provide enough, we’re not emotional enough, we’re not communicating enough … we’re not enough."
• "I felt deeply met by him when he did that ... it was the first time I'd ever felt fully expressed that way with a man."

Mentioned on this episode:

Dear Men episode 128: Recognizing the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

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