Unashamed Unafraid

Is pornography addiction a man’s problem? Religious groups place emphasis and belief on this. In a sense, there is some truth with this mindset. Porn media starting in the 50’s was primarily developed for men. The ensuing decades followed suit, developing for, and catering to men. Pornography became part of the man’s world. Over the past few decades, the man’s world mindset has been slowly eroding. With this erosion, the porn industry has realized an untapped market share - women. Women are being pressured to view, escape into, and find comfort and self confidence with sexual content. The carefully crafted message is getting women hooked. Is pornography addiction still then solely a man’s problem? Absolutely not. Women are becoming addicted and having the same if not more difficult struggles with pornography addiction.The expectation that this addiction is a man’s problem, or something that a future husband might struggle with, sets an unspoken expectation that women don’t and shouldn’t struggle with sexual addiction. This can be quite shaming to a woman who silently and painfully struggles. Cassy sits down with the Unashamed Unafraid team to share the story of her addiction struggle and gives incredible insight from a different perspective. Her journey out of isolation has been transforming and she has come to truly find and connect with God.If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Q&A with Courtney Leak, LCSWJames and Steve sit down with therapist Courtney Leak to dive into questions submitted by our listeners. As always, the questions are real, raw, and unashamed about sexual addiction, as are the answers discussed by Courtney, Steve, and James. Courtney pulls from over ten years of experience in helping people. Not only is she an experienced therapist, she co-hosts the mental health and wellness podcast “The Magic Well.” Courtney’s purpose and approach is fueled by her core belief that “Everyone is naturally equipped with what they need to find and meet their purpose.” She believes it is often hidden under fear, hurt, and negative views of themselves. “However, if people are willing to own their story, minus the fear and shame, they can embrace their true selves. They will live abundantly in their purpose.” Courtney uses this approach to lead a deep discussion about varying questions regarding many addiction-related topics. As always, these questions have come from listeners of Unashamed Unafraid. Do pornography use and anger have any connection? They absolutely have a connection. Anger going unaddressed can lead to rage. This is unhealthy anger and should be talked about and worked through. Oftentimes, there will need to be a therapist involved in this.How can I support (in a healthy way) a potential spouse or partner if they begin to open up about their sexual addiction in the dating phase of our relationship? What pitfalls can I avoid there?This is a great question. It is not anyone but the addict’s job to help them find recovery. You can support him/her, but can’t control him/her. Courtney calls the two approaches Intimate and Parentified relationships. Be careful of falling in love with potential. People don’t owe us a version of them that we want them to be. We are not guaranteed to grow and expand in the same direction.Is it okay for me to be happy with progress even if I am still not 100% sober? Should I expect my spouse to recognize that progress?Obviously, we all want to be on our “A” game all the time. However, we are human. We need to avoid abusing each other and work on ourselves. We also need to practice extending grace to ourselves and others. This is necessary to do the hard work to heal the wound. The addict needs to give their spouse space for their anger and pain.I’m afraid of sharing about my relapses with the people closest to me. I’m afraid of what they will think. Will they treat me differently? How can I best handle accountability? How can I cope with the fear of abandonment?We all need to be vulnerable with those closest to us. How we do that is by getting clear about the facts. If things are still difficult to disclose with your loved ones/religious community, find a group of others who you can share with openly without fear and shame.Who is safe to share personal trials and struggles with? How do I know who to open up to about the most intimate things about us, and how can I do so in a way that is helpful and avoids damaging them or me?One of the best ways that Courtney has found to deal with this is to speak from our scars, not our wounds. Maybe there is something holding us back that we need to look at and listen to. We need to go to our Father in Heaven and ask Him who is safe to share our innermost thoughts and feelings. We need to be okay with those answers we receive from Him. Don’t mix up the proximity or relationship with a person’s capacity.If my spouse is refusing to be open with me and step into recovery, but I still want to stay married, what do I do?If he doesn’t want to recover, he won’t. Do your own work and decide what you want to do. Figure out why this is such an issue for you and why his decisions are wrecking your life. Take care of yourself because you can’t control him. Ask yourself this question, “What is your boundary based on the other person’s truth?”We hope you enjoyed this podcast. These are all real questions that most of us have struggled with. Courtney’s loving, yet completely straightforward, no-nonsense approach cuts straight to the heart of each of these questions. Her answers definitely help us dive deep into finding our answers. This podcast isn’t just about the answers, it is about how they are discussed. Courtney sets a strong example that we can all follow. She shows us how to talk about things that may be difficult or shameful for us. She steps into it willingly, embraces the hard, and leads us forward into vulnerability and healing.If you or someone you know is struggling with a sex addiction, Unashamed Unafraid is the podcast and website for you. Please visit our website at unashamedunafraid.com or look us up on social media @UnashamedUnafraid. Resources:Podcast: The Magic Well - Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-magic-well/id1530276246 

Fake it ‘til you make it. This is a common phrase many of us cling to when we are unsure of what we are doing. Be it a new job, being newly married, or trying to fix something, there is the hope that if we seem to know what we are doing, eventually we  really will know what we are doing. Steve, Chris and James sit down with Rob Chidester and talk about Fatherlessness. All of us are Fatherless in many ways as we come from imperfect earthly fathers who cannot father us all the ways we need to be fathered all the time. Rob is a therapist, but we know him from A Warrior Heart Boot Camp.  Rob is one of the founders of Warrior Heart and started the Boot Camp in 2009. We have a need to be mentored, guided or ‘fathered’ as we develop in our masculinity. Having help and guidance from someone who has walked the walk, is invaluable. A young man entering into manhood needs fathering. The phrase “It takes a village” is quite applicable in that masculine bestowal can come from one’s father, an uncle, a grandfather, or other men who can help guide, lend wisdom and experience as part of the initiation and transition into manhood. Without this guidance from fellow men, there is a tendency to become insecure in one’s masculinity, and the struggle of faking it until making it will ensue. Quite often, fatherlessness can trickle over into the realms of addiction. The subconscious need to fill the void or ease the pain becomes priority often leading to years of turmoil, struggle, and heartache.Is all lost?   No.There is hope. Our Father, God, can and will heal our masculine hearts. He will provide fathering so desperately needed. This is a process, but ultimately worth the journey. In this episode, Rob Chidester gives an in-depth plunge into Fatherlessness, and how to allow God’s help to heal.If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

If you or someone you know is a single twenty-something,  who is battling a sexual addiction, Max’s story will hit home. His journey begins as a young boy when his childhood is cut short by the dissolution of his family and the ensuing aftermath. The wounds of his childhood are cut deeper by the loss of an intimate relationship and he plummets into a dark depression, with addiction as his only parachute. Eventually, he turns and faces the God that he has fled for so long and healing begins.Max’s addiction began as a curiosity at ten years old after being exposed to pornography by his brother and cousin at a sleepover. Curiosity would quickly evolve into addiction as he suffered through trauma after trauma that would rob him of his childhood. In sixth grade, his parents separated. In seventh, his mother attempted suicide. In eighth, his parents divorced. After enduring these painful experiences, Max set out to be the perfect child in an effort to prevent adding trouble to an already troubled family. Even in all of this, Max was baptized and confirmed in the Catholic church. Yet felt that God was distant. His father had taught him that he had to earn everything in life, so why wouldn’t he have to earn God’s love?Max saw a glimmer of hope while dating his girlfriend from high school into college - he opened up to her and started addressing the wounds of loss and betrayal from his childhood. While the relationship offered a safe space, it became very codependent. Max was thrown into a downward spiral when the relationship ended and entered what would be the height of his addiction. He fell into a deep depression to the point of suicidal thinking and acted out multiple times a day to numb the pain.Healing began in the form of talks with his mother. Who guided him out of the dark place where she had once been. He began attending the Catholic church where he felt loved and accepted unconditionally. His vulnerability and courage led him to a few other men in his congregation who were seeking sobriety. Ultimately, Max courageously formed his own band of brothers who are fighting for recovery together. Max now sees God as a “passionate lover”, to use the words of John Eldredge. He finds himself praying constantly and invites God into every moment. He sees now that whenever he was surfing the internet for porn, he was really “surfing for God”, and that God was searching for him all along. For those single 18-22 year-olds doubting if they can follow Max’s path, he says “God will reward you for your courage. Find your own band of brothers and start recovery together.”Resources:BooksWild at Heart by John Elderidge (ever heard of it?)Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle by John M. CusickGroups: make your own “Band of Brothers!”Song: “Love Broke Thru” - Toby Mac

To romance or to ROMANCE - Questions For The Dating DivasHave you ever wondered how to romance and date your wife? Have you forgotten how? We all know the joke, “What is the thing that makes a woman’s libido disappear?” Wedding Cake. Insert Laugh here. But romance also goes out the window when a man gets married too. Most guys struggle with romancing their wives. Well, you are in luck! Unashamed Unafraid interviewed two of the women, Heather (Site Director) and Becca (Vice President) from The Dating Divas. Heather and Becca help run the website www.thedatingdivas.com. This is a perfect website for all couples. It helps you figure out how to get creative and romantic with your dates. Guys, have you forgotten that we need to continue dating our wives after we get married?  So many of us have forgotten how to date.  We just think a dinner and a movie is good enough, if we even get that far. No shame if you are in that same boat. The Dating Divas have a way for there to be fun and excitement in your relationships again. Heather and Becca express the need for connection. Most women (not all) connect when a husband thinks about them. Heather and Becca suggest doing simple things at first to gain that connection with her. Some examples are texting your wife just saying you are thinking about her. Heather suggested buying her a single rose 12 days in a row instead of a bouquet of flowers. Simple, but can definitely mean a lot to them. I have pulled out the old romance swagger a time or two during my marriage; however, definitely not enough. I have written notes on post-its and stuck them all over the house for my wife to find. The Dating Divas talk about many of their ideas too. Doing these small gestures of thoughtfulness, leads to a stronger connection with your spouse.It tells your wife that you are in it for more than just sex. You are in it to make her happy and you are fighting for her heart. Plus, it is a lot of fun to see her reaction. The Dating Divas aren't just about romantic ways to surprise your wife, it is about fun and different date ideas. I for one have a hard time coming up with something other than dinner and a movie. When we as addicts are in our addiction, we cannot feel, let alone hope to be able to connect with our spouses. This is one way that may be able to help pull ourselves out of the addiction cycle. This will help us stop thinking about ourselves and make “real” connections with real people who love us. Heather and Becca give a lot of great ideas of how to be creative. The products and services they have on their website are not very expensive at all and they have a TON of Freebies. Plus, they are giving our listeners and Outsiders an opportunity for some free items.  You just have to listen to the entire podcast for details. We hope you enjoyed this podcast. This was a different way of looking at ways to attack the addiction through real connection and selfless acts of service. If you or someone you know is struggling with a sex addiction, Unashamed Unafraid is the podcast and website for you. Please visit our website at unashamedunafraid.com or look us up on social media @UnashamedUnafraid. Also, you will receive a 5 dollar gift card - From The Dating Divas HERE: https://www.thedatingdivas.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/7-Days-of-Love-Free-Program-PLUS-Coupon.pdfResources:Website: www.thedatingdivas.com www.unashamedunafraid.com

Liar, Liar pants on fire! Do you remember saying that as kids to each other? Well, Jared Rockwood sure does because he is a professional polygraph tester. You may also ask, “Why are you having a polygraph tester on this podcast?” Have you ever wondered how it works? Are movies correct? Jared talks about how it works, what it is supposed to accomplish, what questions should be asked and more. Relax, he is not going to do a polygraph on air and with any audience members. What will he do? Find out what it is really like to be polygraphed.Sway and Rachel have been going to Jared Rockwood from Intermountain Polygraph for almost three years now. They are both very in favor of this. Why did they start going to Jared? Rachel actually wanted to see if it was safe for their kids for Sway to be alone with them. She specifically wanted to know if he was viewing child porn or had done anything like that in his addiction. Rachel was considering divorce and wanted to make sure that Sway was safe. Which is why Rachel was the one who came up with questions to ask Sway.At an appointment, Jared sits down with the one being polygraphed and talks to him/her about the questions that will be asked. He spends a total of two to three hours with the interviewee. During the interview, Jared asks all the questions several times, in different ways. “Repetition gives statistical power” Rockwood commented.When he is finished asking questions, he then collects all of the data and sends his interpretation of the data to the therapist. The therapist works through the data with Sway and Rachel. This is meant to happen. It can be very dangerous and reckless, for the therapist just to hand over the data to the couple and let them work through it. So, how accurate is the polygraph versus therapists?Jared mentioned that polygraphs done correctly are 93 percent accurate with a 15 percent error rate - or false positive. Therapists on average are 54 percent accurate. Which one will you believe? Jared, Sway and Rachel all believe that when a polygraph test is done correctly for the right intent, it is a way for everyone to win. For more information about Jared and Intermountain Polygraph, please go to intermountainpolygraph.com or call (801) 960-6480.We at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful for people like Jared. He truly is a warrior striving to build up those around him and bring them into the light through his services. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Unashamed Unafraid The New Year 2021 EditionUnashamed Unafraid has taken on a few new faces this year. The newcomers are Sway and Rachel, and AZ Cory. We were able to continue to spread this message of hope, love, healing, and faith in Christ, even with COVID. We became a non-profit organization to be able to help people fight through healing from sex addiction. We were able to give out a lot of money last year to help those with the donations from the UU Outsiders. Thank you so very much! Once COVID restrictions are lifted, we will be able to help even more people because of the generous donations. Our listeners’ lives are not the only lives that are affected.We also went through a lot of changes personally this year. So, we asked ourselves several questions about this year:What type of animal would you describe this year as? What was your favorite episode? Also, will we be doing more events like the live zoom Q&A?We will actually be doing more of them. We just have not figured out how many yet. We will also be introducing new bonus content. We will be reviewing four books this year and talking about them in our bonus content. We have not chosen the books yet, so stay tuned.How do I become an Outsider you ask? Subscribe to our podcast and go to https://unashamedunafraid.com/donate.  This is how you can get even more great content this year. We really appreciate all our listeners, outsiders and free subscribers. This podcast is truly more for us than it is for our listeners. Yet, our listeners seem to like what they are hearing. We know that it gives a lot of us who are struggling with addiction or even betrayal trauma some perspective on sexual addiction and how to find healing and strength through Jesus Christ. We look forward to another adventurous year. Thanks for listening and donating.

Are you religious but struggle to find God? Or, do you wonder if God is even there? Do you or does someone you love manage to gain stints of sobriety, but without true healing?If you relate to any of these questions, Chris and Sarah Ashworth’s story is just the one you need to hear. In this episode, Chris takes us on his journey from agnosticism to building a deep connection with God, and Sarah recounts her experiences of her own personal healing.Chris grew up in what he says was a “happy home”, as a devoted member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While family life was good, he fought a silent internal battle with pornography and masturbation from age 12 to 26. Sarah describes her childhood home a bit differently: one where both parents worked long hours, where divorce and abuse inflicted deep emotional wounds, and where family members mostly avoided one another. Regardless of this stark contrast in upbringing, Chris and Sarah would discover later on that they both had wounds that needed healing.Sarah, who was also raised a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, always followed the rules but felt that God was very distant. She projected her relationship with her father on God - seeing Him as an aloof being to be feared. Chris didn’t think so much about God as much as he did “church” and “worthiness”, and was numb and distracted by addiction. By age 36, Chris had managed to gain meaningful sobriety, but was still in search of true healing. He had lived as an agnostic for years, so he had a decision to make as his son’s baptism day approached. Sarah urged Chris to find God, but he refused to do so. The day before the baptism, Chris decided that he would baptize his son, regardless of where his heart was at. Sarah refused and expressed what he already knew in his heart: he had “procrastinated the day of [his] repentance.”Chris had arrived at spiritual “rock bottom”. He began writing prayers to a God he still questioned, sometimes even expressing anger and bitterness, until one day He answered. Shortly after, God came for Chris’s heart at a “Wild at Heart” retreat, where he claims he went from agnostic to Christian over a weekend. As Sarah watched God heal her husband’s heart, she felt hers being healed as well. She learned to have more humility with God. She started seeking Him out for validation and learned to trust that He’d take care of Chris. Chris went from being completely indifferent to the idea of a god to seeing God as his partner, friend, and father. He deliberately wakes up early to spend an hour or two with God every morning. His message to addicts is to find God as he did, by separating Him from church and religion, then to follow Him. Find more at https://www.aliveinchrist.mehttps://www.aliveinchrist.me/p/addiction-recovery_12.html -> check out the Spouse Recovery document where God outlined to Sarah the principles she used to get through Chris’ recovery.

Steve and Rhyll Croshaw have an amazing story. Rhyll was going to school and was taking a marriage and family class, and for one of her assignments, she needed to set up a community program. After that class, Steve and Rhyll started to think about how to help people the same way they had been helped through their recovery from addiction and trauma.  Heavenly Father also needed them to set this up. He knew that there were several men and women who needed this style of Sexaholics Anonymous. He put an attorney in their pathway, and it just so happened that he specialized in setting up non-profit businesses. Right then and there Rhyll and Steve knew that SAL needed to happen. Steve and Rhyll put in the work and made SAL (SA Lifeline) a reality. They are truly grateful for the opportunity to be a part of something bigger than themselves. Rhyll talks about how SAL changed their lives. What they did not see as an unintended consequence was they have helped prevent their own grandchildren from going down this path. Rhyll talks about how her grandson said, “Grandpa, whenever I’m tempted, I’ll remember you.” Rhyll, then explained that she is so thankful that she married a valiant spirit.Steve talks about how people need to choose to open up, to have a willing heart, and to work together with Heavenly Father and others who may be able to help them. This is where the SAL program can come into play. SAL is completely anonymous. What is SAL? SAL is somewhere between the LDS 12-step program (ARP or Addiction Recovery Program) and SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). SA is extremely raw and they expect you to get a sponsor right away. There are a lot of raw stories that are told both from men and women. ARP is focused on Christ and they separate the men and women. A person can walk into an ARP meeting and leave without talking to a single person. SAL is between these two programs. SAL, expects you to have a sponsor and work the steps. Someone is there to help you through the steps. SAL requires more accountability than ARP and a lot less raw than SA. Some people say it is a perfect balance between the two.Because Steve and Rhyll were able to find the peace and healing that comes through recovery, they chose to share their story and successes with others. They listened to the promptings of a loving Heavenly Father and are doing great and extraordinary things. Through their struggles and recovery from sexual addiction, they have seen the beauty and love of Christ and Heavenly Father. We at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful that people are admitting they need these resources. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

In their book “Love and War” John and Stasi Eldredge say, “For it is also in the heart of a man and a woman to share some sort of quest, to fight some great battle together.” This is the compelling story of Christian and Karens’ battle.Christian was first exposed to pornography in the form of magazines laying around the houses of his childhood friends. At first, it seemed innocent, even normal. Fast forward a few years into Christian and Karen’s marriage - Christian’s life is “hell”. He’s indulging in his addiction every day: viewing pornography, frequenting chat rooms, and indulging in extramarital affairs. Meanwhile, Karen instinctively feels that things are off but is completely unprepared for the bomb that’s about to drop.The more Christian indulged in his addiction, the more he pushed God aside. Leading up to the height of his addiction, he had served a mission in Guatemala and prayed occasionally but ultimately felt that it was hard to find God. He would feel close to God at times but would eventually revert back to needing a fix. Karen had always had faith in God, but felt that the deep connection with Him was lacking.Eventually, the crushing weight of guilt became unbearable and Christian began to confess his past mistakes to Karen. At first, he spotlighted only one of his affairs, but as he turned his heart to God he found the courage to make a full disclosure. At his rock bottom, Christian felt so much pain that he wondered whether or not life was worth living. This discovery absolutely destroyed Karen. In her darkest moments, she experienced anger, bitterness, loneliness, and betrayal.As Christian attended recovery meetings and worked the twelve steps, hope began to grow in his heart. Where he once would’ve described his relationship with God as “casual”, he now says that “God is everything”. He knows that God loves him in spite of his past mistakes. Where Karen once blamed herself and felt it was her responsibility to “fix” Christian, she now feels God’s hand sustaining them both in the recovery process.Christian and Karen continue to fight this battle together and have been changed for the better in the process. Their story is a testament that no one is ever too far gone and that God is always there supporting us whether or not we can feel it.