Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

We want God to transform all of the frustrating things in our family and lives in an instant. But Scripture shows that God is in the habit of driving out enemies from the Promised Land little by little.

A parent recently asked me to address the topic of contentment with children.  That’s the source of this week’s podcast.  Listen to hear my thoughts.  I’ll give you a hint: it’s not going to come by giving them everything they want!  Listen and share with any of your friends who might be struggling with the same issue.  I talk about how we can Create perspective Take responsibility for others Live more by having less The good news for moms and dads – the steps to encourage contentment in our children’s lives are the very same steps for being happy in our own lives!

Some kids are miraculous makers of mountains out of molehills.  It can be incredibly frustrating as a parent.  In my podcast this week I share how to create some emotional resiliency using a tool called a Drama-meter. I learned about the Drama Meter from a book I highly recommend by Sissy Goff, David Thomas, and Melissa Trevathan called Are My Kids on Track.  You should definitely pick up a copy. Listen to the podcast and let me know how the Drama Meter works for your family! And if you like the concept, you’ll love the rest of Are My Kids On Track as well!  

29 Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:29 ESV  As a dad who has never seen, but still believes, here’s how I feel blessed and hopeful as a parent: Easter is the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus.  The resurrection is the validation of everything Jesus said and did: It means that His teachings aren’t just sound advice, they are commands with a supernatural power behind them. It means that wen Jesus says I can call God my Father, it’s true.  He’s not just some distant authority figure, He’s my Daddy. It means I’m truly forgiven of my sins.  I don’t have to live a life of penance making up for past mistakes (including parenting mistakes).  I can focus on walking in grace and humility, trying to do what’s right today instead of wallowing in the guilt of my failures from yesterday. I’ve trusted Jesus to save my soul, and I’m trusting Him to give me the grace for what He’s commanded me to do as a parent. 2. Easter is a reminder that life comes from death, that light comes after the darkness, and that God is actively at work even when nothing makes sense. It means that even my worst parenting days are redeemable, and that what I (or others) meant for evil, God will turn for good. It means that my children’s disabilities, shortcomings, and failures are just details in a greater story that God is writing.  He is forming their character as well as mine, and He is making All Things New! It means that my son getting cancer or my wife dying is not the last word.  My hope is not in a particular outcome, it’s in a Person.  And that Person conquered death and the grave and promised to do the same for me and all of those that love HIm. 3. Easter is a conviction that I am not the center of the universe, and neither are my children. I don’t have to have it all figured out, because I’m not in charge of this planet.  I’m not God and I don’t get to dictate everything in my life or my children’s life.  That’s really freeing. My kids get to mess up as well, because my pride and identity should not be wrapped up in them looking impressive.  I am created in the image of God and am a brother of the King Most High.  Who cares whether my kid qualifies me for an honor roll bumper sticker? Since I’m not the center of the universe, or even the dictator in my own house, I get to REST like it depends on God.  Because it does. These are among the 5,000 things I’m thankful for this Easter.  What about you? How does Easter give you hope as a parent?

This might be more confessional than instructional, but here are my thoughts as the parent of two different special needs kids. I was asked to do a podcast giving advice to parents of special needs kids, that went something beyond “cut yourself some slack”.  After spending 20 minutes talking about my own experiences, maybe I can can offer double the wisdom: You are not alone. Cut yourself some slack. If you’re a special needs parent, or friends with someone who is, I pray this podcast offers some kind of encouragement, even if it’s “at least I’m not as bad as THAT guy!”

  This guest post is from my friend Willow Sander of Protect the Heart Ministries, in conjunction with our podcast discussion on “Talking to your children about sex”. “Hey, it’s time to talk!” Funny how that phrase does not startle us as parents as much as this one: However, eventually the time will come. Unfortunately, in our fast-paced culture the need for that “talk” will come sooner than most of us would like. We do not have to dread it though. Honestly most of us probably have dreaded that time for a few major reasons: It was handled about as awkward as things get for us as children. Times are different and that difference can be a win in our column as parents. There is access to information that just was not available to our parents. We can Google sites and read books that can really make us prepared instead of have us stammering for words. Focus on the family has a great layout in the “God’s Design for Sex” series. We still see them as not ready and do not want to awaken anything before it is time. Consider this scenario: You go to get a late night snack, say a bowl of cereal. You think you have all you need for the time that is at hand only to open the fridge and realize NO MILK. You pass the store regularly, you open the fridge daily yet what should have been obvious to deal with is ignored until the need is great. So goes that way in many households when it comes to the topic of discussing sex and sexuality with our children. Anne Marie Miller, in her book, 5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know about Their Kids & Sex sets out to do just that: get parents prepared and knowledgeable on the “Talk” at any age of development. We don’t want to share our past choices and seem hypocritical Let me reassure you there is NO ONE better suited than you to guide your child through this journey. With every other area it seems vying for our children’s hearts and minds, Passport 2 Purity  puts the conversation back where it should be: in the home. Check out their materials as they aim to build heart-to-heart communication between you and your pre-teen while laying a foundation of purity that will prepare them for the turbulent years ahead. This journey is not for the faint of heart but once we are centered to play offense, we will be ready to stand strong in defense of our children, families and communities. You were called to this! You shall be equipped for it! We believe in you!  

Thank you Willow Sanders of Protect the Heart Ministries for joining me for a fantastic discussion of safeguards and protections we parents can instill for our children. Below is an incredibly helpful guest post by Willow that goes along with our discussion. Eyes, Ears, Hearts and Souls I don’t know, in my head the preschool song “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” came to mind as I searched for how to slap a title on this. And realistically THOSE are just the areas we are charged with so cautiously guarding as parents, teachers and family members. A job that seems to be getting harder by the mouse click, tv remote and ticket sale! Thankfully there are many organizations rising to meet that challenge head on. I remember attending a conference a few years back on the climate of pornography in our current culture. It was a difficult one for sure. More reality than many of us cared to admit but we also found out in the midst of such darkness, God was directing people to take back the territory we as a ‘civilized’ culture seem bent on abdicating away. One such organization had lobbied dozens and dozens of hotel chains to make their locations ‘porn free’ zones. That means no click of the tv channel would lead to a conclave of debauchery within their walls. You can check them out  http://www.cleanhotels.com/ . And we wish the ‘out there’ influences were that easily controllable but the reality that was also shared by Josh McDowell, with more than 50 years of student ministry,  was that we no longer have to just be worried about our kids looking for porn; porn is looking for our kids. SCARY, HUH?! But we aren’t a people without hope and I strongly urge you to check out these resources as you fight for the Eyes, Ears, Hearts and Souls of our youth: Covenant Eyes (Internet Filtering and Accountability) ESafety.gov.au (many informative sites on a variety of platforms our kids needs safety in) Annemariemiller.com (Apps Every Parent Needs to Know About) Enough.org/resource_center (Resource Link in pull down menu)

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:1-4 This is one of the most basic, foundational passage in the Bible for parent/child relationships.  But basic doesn’t mean simple.  Check out this week’s podcast as I break down the implications for both parents and children.  

Everyone wants your 100% best.  But it’s impossible for everyone to get your 100% best. During a time in my life when my family was suffering because of my inability to set appropriate boundaries in work, a wise friend recommended this book to me: When Work and Family Collide (by Andy Stanley) made an incredibly complex subject very clear to me. I want to give my best to everyone, but the truth is that I’m replaceable in nearly every context. But not in my home. In the grand scheme, only one environment is going to get the best of you.  Will it be your work or your family?  You’re going to cheat somewhere.  Learn how to work in such a way that you give your very best to your family, and if anything needs to be cheated, it’s the workplace.  Since you know God is most interested in you giving your best first and foremost to your family, ask HIM to make up the difference in your work. It sounds crazy, but it works.  Just know that it doesn’t relieve you from working hard at work. If you struggle with this, or your spouse does, listen to the podcast and/or read the book! Your spouse. Your children. Your job. One of these won’t be there at the end of your life.  Make sure that one doesn’t get the best part of your living!

I have a question for those who think that sex is primarily a physical act:  why have you never heard of someone going to a counselor for years after smashing their thumb with a hammer?  I’ve done that before.  I’ve also smashed a finger in a barn door, and it was one of the most intensely painful experiences of my life. But aside from having a silly story to tell and being extra carful around the hinges of doors, I’ve really never looked back. One single, violating sexual act, however, can create years of trauma and dysfunction. Because sex is far, far more than just a physical act.  It’s highly relational, highly spiritual.   Each year I spend time trying to figure out different ways of saying the same thing to our students at Covenant Fellowship.  In the realm of sexuality, here are the basics of a recent lesson I did on Guilt Free Relationships (AKA Great Sexpectations).  (Disclaimer, much of the language and principles for this were taken from a combination of Andy Stanley Lessons on sex, especially 7 Checkpoints for Student Ministry.  He’s much smarter and more concise than me, check out his sermons on Margins or books on moral boundaries.) For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6 that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. 7 For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. 8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.  1 Thessalonians 4: 3-8 This is a powerful passage.  First, it’s one of the few straightforward times that directly tells you the will of God.  It gives a specific call to moral purity, holiness, and a warning that God is the avenger of those who are taken advantage of.  We do well not to ignore these words. God calls us to purity, but purity is not the ultimate goal.  The goal is intimacy.  By intimacy, we mean “knowing and being fully known without fear of rejection”.  This is really what we all want, with other people and with God. Purity paves the way for Intimacy. I tell the men: Culture is lying to you.  It says you need to work on your sexual skills.  In truth, what you need to work on is your relational skills.  Because great sex is HIGHLY relational.  You practice your relational skills by learning to treat your mother kindly, listen to and care for your sisters, and interact with your Christian sisters.  Yes, being nice to your mom and sisters can have a direct impact on your future sex life.  Weird. Awkward.  True. I tell the women: You know that culture is lying to you as well. When a physical relationship ends, you feel insecure, angry, used.  Because sex is relational glue. Sex is this awesome, incredible gift, intended to connect two people who are merging living space, finances, meals, and dreams.  That’s HARD to do, and sex is this amazing physical, chemical, relational bond that draws you together and helps minimize someone’s annoying habits. The problem is when you spend that glue before marriage, you start minimizing warning signs, bonding to the wrong people, and stunting your communication skills because messing around physically is easier than working through differences. And the fear of rejection goes sky high. If you want true intimacy, walk the path of purity. How far is too far? Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise. Ephesians 5:15 He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe. Proverbs 28:26 Given these verses as a guideline, I leave you with a Common Sense approach that I so appreciate form Andy Stanley: The further you go, the faster you go The further you go, the further you want to go The further you go, the harder it is to go back Where you draw the line determines 3 things: The arena of your temptation The intensity of your temptation The consequences of giving in to temptation. So perhaps, the best question isn’t “How far can I go?”  Perhaps, a much better question is “How far do I want the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life to go right before they meet me?” Great sex is a gift from God.  So is fire.  In both cases, let’s use them as they are intended. Don’t get burned.