Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

We all go through significant times of crisis in our lives. For some it’s in response to a major event, for others it can be a drawn out season of chronic challenges. On today’s podcast I want to share some perspectives on self-care while going through crisis.  As a parent or a spouse, you might find yourself dealing with the fallout of traumatic events in your loved one’s life.  Some of these things might be short seasons or events, the others might be chronic.  But in either case, as you find yourself having to go above and beyond what might be your “normal” load and capacity, I want to encourage you to give attention to your own health and well being.  Today we are going to focus on self care during the crisis, and next week I’ll give insights on what we might call “the rebuilding process” after the heat of the crisis cools. As  you listen to the podcast today, you’ll learn the importance of: Lowering your expectations Sleep Food as fuel Recognize Junk Food and Junk Time Moments of alone time Non-legalistic time with God Drive time devotions Praise music Physical fitness Journaling Friends If you find yourself in a relatively stable period of life, listen and learn, because you know your time is coming.  Also, think of a friend who needs to hear this, and share it with them!

I received a question about dating recently in an “Ask Anything” session with my teenagers at church.  In this podcast, I review the set of questions I gave the group to ask themselves before getting into a relationship (which, by the way, should not be until late in their teenage years at the earliest). Whether you’re a teen or an adult, if you’re considering entering a dating relationship, you should be able to give thoughtful answers to these questions.  For an in depth analysis of each question, listen to the podcast, where I’m joined by my favorite guest ever, my teenage daughter Brooklyn Holland! What is your purpose in dating? Is it boredom Is it to validate your worth Is it status Are you ready to progress towards a permanent relationship with a potential spouse? Minimum set of questions you should know about them before starting a relationship Are they honest? How do they treat people from whom they have nothing to gain? How do they treat their parents? What do their friends really think of them? What do your friends really think of them? Is there evidence that they are pursuing a relationship with Jesus? Do they have a work ethic? Can I actually see myself ending up with this person for the rest of my life? Minimum set of questions you should know about yourself before starting a relationship Where is my security? What are my goals in life What are the things I really value in life? How do I treat people i have nothing to gain from? What level of ownership am I comfortable with someone having of me? How far away am I from actually getting married? How am I at self control Who do I have in my life that is free to speak truth? These questions are heavy and hard.  But unless you want your dating relationships to be practice sessions for divorce, you need to be able to answer them! Share this list and podcast with your kids.  Talk about the questions and answers.  Share them with others who need to hear, whether they are teens or adults!

In a recent “ask anything” segment with my teenagers, I was asked “how do I removed myself from toxic relationships without being the bad guy?” This excellent question assumes that we know a toxic relationship when we see one.  Unfortunately, that’s not always true. We discovered principles from six verses in Proverbs 20 that gave us clues on the types of people to avoid: The Manipulator Unequal weights and unequal measures are both alike an abomination to the Lord. Proverbs 20:10 The manipulator inflates and twists words, situations, and emotions to their own advantage.  Blowing some things out of proportion while minimizing other serious issues, the manipulator applies unequal weights and measure to get what the want out of people. The Addict Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, and whoever is led astray by it is not wise Proverbs 20:1 To an addict, people stop becoming people and start becoming means to an end. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, pornography, or social media addiction, an addict will dehumanize those around them and begin to see them as commodities. The Deceiver Bread gained by deceit is sweet to a man,  but afterward his mouth will be full of gravel.  Proverbs 20:17 People that lie over little things lie over big things.  If your friends lie to their parents, loved ones, or authorities for the sake of convenience, you can be sure that they will lie when more important issues are on the line.  Connect to these individuals at your own peril. The Gossip Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler. Proverbs 20:19 If someone gossips about other people to you, they are gossiping about you to other people.  Keep these people as friends only if you enjoy being torn down behind your back. The Arguer It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling. Proverbs 20:3 For some people, arguing is a hobby.  They are more interested in being right than protecting relationship.  If you are close friends with an arguer, prepare to be exhausted on a continual basis. The Slug The sluggard does not plow in the autumn; he will seek at harvest and have nothing. Proverbs 20:4 The real problem with slugs is that in human relationships they often morph into leaches.  Beware of people who have no work ethic, they will happily drain your resources while feeling no responsibility to contribute themselves. These six types of people form a toxic brew of relationship that’s easy to remember when you see them all together: Manipulator Addict Deceiver Gossip Arguer Slug As a parent of two boys, I can tell you that there’s nothing more toxic than MAD GAS!  Don’t be these things, and avoid close associations with these people! Once you’ve identified the toxic people in your life, how do you get out of these relationships?  Here are some quick thoughts, especially geared towards your kids: First, you need to identify why the relationship is toxic.  Sometimes is just a matter of being around the same people too much.  Too much of most things become toxic.  For example, too many bananas can kill you.  So can too much salt. If this is the case in your relationship, Diversify and Dilute Diversify: go be a part of different friend groups Dilute: add new friends to your current relationships to dilute the power of any one or two people in that group.  New people in the mix can change the entire dynamic for the better. Sometimes an honest conversation can change the direction of a relationship.  You might have fallen into some of these habits with your friends, and simply acknowledging that can often wake the group to straighten up. But in the end, you have to understand that some relationships (and people) are just poisonous for you. If this is the case, get out. Throw your parents under the bus: Parents, if you can encourage your kids to let you know when they are over their heads relationally, you can relieve them by being the “bad guy” and adding rules or restrictions that will cut those ties. I’m aware that sometimes my children are going to encounter powerfully controlling people, and I’m glad to bare the blame of being the mean dad if it helps remove my child from those relationships. Start doing (good) things they don’t like: One way to remove lying addicts and slugs from your life is to start spending your time doing worthwhile things.  Get involved in service projects, spend more time with your family or church family.  People pursuing darkness don’t like to run in the light. Be the bad guy/girl, cut your losses.  In the end, you can’t always get out of a toxic relationship without being the bad guy/girl.  Because some people are just mean and manipulative.  But the key point is that the relationship is TOXIC.  It’s poisonous.  When it’s all said and done, I’d rather look rude as I remove myself form a poisonous situation than politely stay and kill my self or reputation. Identifying and avoiding toxic relationships is an advanced life skill.  Knowing when you’re in the midst of MAD GAS is a great first step. Own these principles, teach your children, and pray for God’s help in applying them to your lives!

Occupational therapist Diane Corson from the Florida Elks Children’s Therapy Services provides very practical strategies to help children with Sensory Processing Disorder cope at home and in public.  Although these tools are specifically designed to help SPD children, many of them can be employed with great benefit to your other children as well!

Diane Corson, an Occupational Therapist with the Florida Elks Children’s Therapy Services, joins me for two fascinating podcast as we look into the world of children with sensory processing disorder. As promised, here are Diane’s notes from our talks. Be sure to check out LPOP 71 and LPOP 72 for our two part discussion. Even if you don’t have children with sensory processing disorder, 1) you know someone who does (I do!) and 2) some of these same strategies will be a blessing in any home!  The first half of these notes are definitions and descriptions of the various terms associated with Sensory Processing Disorder  The second half outline strategies for helping children with SPD as discussed in the two podcasts.  Thank you Diane for being an amazing therapist and a great teacher! What is Sensory Processing Disorder? Sensory Processing Disorder is difficulty organizing sensory information in the brain to make an adaptive response.  Sensory and motor pathways are being formed in the brain, beginning in utero throughout childhood and even in adult years. Most children are well integrated by 8-12 years.  Those with Sensory Processing Disorder do not “feel” sensations the way an average person will. What is Sensory Discrimination? Ability to pull information from one or multiple sensory systems to make sense of task. Impacts ability to perform motor tasks and respond to sensory cues from body during tasks. Sensory Systems help answer questions like: •How heavy is this toy? How can I maneuver it? •Why do I feel something so scratchy when Mom is helping me get dressed? •What is this huge, pointy rough thing Dad is shoving in my mouth? I feel like I’m going to choke. When will it end? Why is this happening? What is Sensory Modulation? Ability to respond to sensory input from the body and/or the environment. Ability to attend to instruction rather than continually alert to background information. State of arousal, alertness, attention Sensory Registration: Level to which child notices sensory stimulation; some children notice every sensation; some notice much less Sensory Defensiveness: actively avoids sensory stimulation; retreats from new situations; acts out in order to avoid stimulation Sensory Seeker: actively seeks out sensory stimulation; wants to add intensity; creates excitement and change What is Sensory Regulation? Ability to achieve, monitor, change and maintain a calm and alert start to meet the demands of the situation. Foundation to function in society. Sensory regulation strategies impact modulation. Stage 1: Regulate temperature, muscle tone, sleep/wake, survival Stage 2: Other people help child maintain a calm, alert state Sensory diet Adaptive strategies Teacher/parent behavioral strategies Stage 3: Higher level cognitive skills and ability to problem solve Use of social stories Self talk What Causes Sensory Processing Disorder? Studies vary in number of children affected; 1 in 20 children/1 in 6 children Spectrum Disorder: varies greatly in severity Perhaps genetic, environmental or combination In utero: drug or alcohol use Birth complications: prematurity, low birth weight Environmental: abuse, neglect Parent Strategies to help with Sensory Processing Disorder Sensory Diet Accommodations/adaptations to Environment Behavioral Strategies Teach emotional control Sensory Diet Every two hours a typical neurological system resets Movement, proprioception, and touch are strong sensory inputs Use in combination One sensory system will impact another system Put sensory stimulation into daily routine Touch and proprioceptive input before brushing teeth, eating, getting dressed Massage Use various materials Different lotions scents Brush outside of cheeks before inside of mouth Count/sing song so child knows how long it will last If having difficulty, stop and give movement break, then go back and finish Movement every day Ride bicycle before school Visit a park Play in back yard Heavy work every day Carrying, lifting, moving Resistive body movements, like yoga poses, push ups, planks Sensory Input and Functional Tasks Vacuum Clean sliders Clean baseboards Lift and carry toy baskets/laundry baskets Sensory Diet: Bedtime Routine Massage Deep pressure Weighted blanket Essential oils Music Lighting Adaptations to Environment Use a timer Use a schedule with pictures Change the area where something is performed Ex: homework in quiet closet versus kitchen Change the seating Ball, rocking chair, cushion, stand, different fabric/blanket, lap pad (tube sock with rice) Fidget toy Weighted blanket Pressure vest/pressure garments/tight undershirts Music Calming: classical and Baroque periods Alerting: Rock, violin Smells Calming: vanilla, lavender, banana, coconut Alerting: citrus, peppermint, coffee, cinnamon, rosemary, pine Vision Calming: natural lighting, decreased clutter Alerting: bright light, high contrast colors Behavioral Strategies Get attention BEFORE giving direction First/Then Give choices Teach active problem solving Ask questions Fill in the blanks Emotional Control Acknowledge the emotion Recognize content of emotion. Listen for feelings. Label the emotion: “You are feeling sad.” Describe the emotion: “You are crying. Your face looks like this.” Give 3 empathy statements: “You have to stop playing and that is hard. When you play with that toy, you are happy. Stopping is no fun. It makes you feel sad.” Wait…for response from child Child might agree or disagree If disagree, then figure out next emotional choice Problem Solve Repeat!

Home runs are few and far between in parenting. But MASSIVE change can take place if you just keep making contact. This week’s podcast gives you tips on how to make best use of the natural times of contact in your home: Morning routine, drive times, meal times, and bedtime.

People vastly overestimate what they can do in the short-term, but vastly underestimate what can be accomplished over the long-term. This week’s podcast gives tips and ideas on how to set small goals with your kids this summer that can redeem some of that free time and start them on long-term pathways to accomplish big things. Set SMART Goals! Specific Measurable Attainable Realistic Timely Here’s a link that goes into smart goals in detail.

I’m revisiting my very first Let’s Parent on Purpose topic ever, and I need to remember this perspective just as much today. 12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. 4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. Hebrews 12:1-4 ESV I love the reminder that we need endurance for this race.  And I love remembering that the “witnesses”, the great Hall of Faith in Hebrews 11, were largely a bunch of dysfunctional parents who could barely keep their children from killing on another.  I mean, at least none of my children have ever sold each other into slavery, right? As you listen to the podcast, don’t forget these three important reminders to help you parenting: Think long term – you’re not raising kids to be obedient to you, but to be responsible, helpful kids that will thrive in society. It’s not just doing what you say, they need to learn to make independent decisions that are right, whether you’re around or not. But that means they’re going to have to have chances to choose and make mistakes along the way. Think about these questions, and how you can encourage them towards these goals a little bit at a time each day: – What do I want my chid to be like by the time they are a high school senior or out of my house? – What kind of grandkids do I want to have?  Failure is an excellent teacher – Nothing motivates change like blowing it.  Go back and revisit their mistakes in a calm, rational way.  Talk through how they might “redo” the opportunity if they had it to do over again (because they probably will). Sometimes there’s a consequence, sometimes the embarrassment of failure is enough. But talk them through their failure, and remember: – If your child is afraid to admit your failure, you’re missing golden teaching opportunities.  Is it because they are a people pleaser or because you overreact? – When you fail as well in parenting, sometimes it’s wise to readdress the way you are doing things. New life, a new amount of kids, and different seasons add new challenges.  Sometimes you have to change the way YOU are doing things.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Discipline for what you want them to be, not just for what you don’t want to happen – Think about a well disciplined army or sports team.  They’re not “well punished” or “afraid of their coach”.  They do what’s right and thrive. – Train and reward and reinforce what you want, not just add consequences for bad. – Every chance you can get to praise them for what they are doing well, you can really shape them and you’ll spend less energy on the punishment end. – Make a quick list: what are a couple of character habits I want my child to grow and develop? Make a conscious choice to reinforce and praise every time you see it. Parenting is hard work.  But if you are in Christ, you have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside you to help you do what’s right and best.  And God loves your kids even more than you!  Don’t get too discouraged or elated about how this week is going. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint!

Your systems are perfectly suited to give you the life that you now have.  Your children’s routines are perfectly suited to give you the current level of chaos or order that you’re currently experiencing.  All of us have routines with our children.  Some of those routines weren’t designed, they just happened.  And most of the ones that just happen put the extra burden on mom and dad.  On this week’s Let’s Parent on Purpose Podcast I talk with my good friend Sheila Hoadley, who is one of the most organized people I know.  Sheila shares some of her challenges and victories in helping her three boys develop habits and systems that have made her home life much easier.

What happens when we tell our children that Jesus will fix all of their problems?  How do we damage their faith by not preparing them for adversity?  This week we talk about the danger of presenting the gospel as a tool for life enhancement rather than salvation from our sin.