Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

One year, one week, and one day ago we celebrated my son’s last dose of chemo.  On this week’s podcast I share the essay I wrote for that occasion, as well as thoughts from a dad with one full year of no treatment and no relapse under our belt. Here’s my original essay: We are done with chemo, and I’m a little bit afraid. As of today, we are done with all chemo treatment.  I can’t believe I’m actually writing this. On April 14, 2014, our family’s world was turned upside down when we were told our little 5 year old boy had Leukemia.  I remember the first night in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, watching the nurse come into our room over and over again, switching out bags of blood and other medicines. I didn’t know much about leukemia at the time, I’m not even sure I was positive it was cancer before Elijah got it.  I knew enough that first night to stay off the internet. There are lots of leukemias, and our boy only had one of them.  Until they gave it a specific name, I didn’t want to walk in the horror of all of them. The next day, as our doctor and a team of staff from St. Mary’s Children’s Hospital filed into our room, I’ll never forget Dr. Saxena’s opening words.  “OK, your son has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, and this is an excellent cancer to have…”  Say what? It turns out that ALL is both an awful and awesome cancer to have.  To my knowledge, it’s the fastest killer of any cancer left unchecked.  But it’s also the most common childhood cancer.  Therefore, it’s the most researched, the most measurable, and has among the highest cure rates.  So I guess it is an excellent cancer to have. But the treatment is brutal. Three and a half years of chemo.  The first ten months, there were so many injections, so many hospital stays, I just can’t count them any more.  There was the time when Elijah started going into respiratory distress at the second dose of a chemo called Pegaspargase. There was the time where they did an echocardiogram of his heart before giving him some other kind of chemo, because the it’s known to cause damage to the heart.  There was that period where he would get high doses of methotrexate, and then stay in the hospital to get a rescue drug, because, you know, methotrexate can kill you.  There have been so many days in the outpatient center with three sweet nurses who had to check on him every fifteen minutes because the potentially catastrophic side effects of whatever they were injecting him with.  There was the trip to the podiatrist and the Xray of his heel, which showed this little sliver of cartilage that looked like granola instead of a solid object.  Was this caused by chemo?  Who knows.  There have been fevers of unknown origin, causing us to to stop whatever we are doing and head to the hospital for the next several days.  Just last month there was that inexplicable, debilitating headache that lasted for a week and ended up putting us back in the hospital. There have been at least 2-3 chemo pills (and up to 15) every single day since April 16, 2014.  That’s 1,208 days of chemo.  I take that back, he did get a 2 week break after Delayed Intensification.  And maybe 12 other days where he was so sick they withheld treatment. I have no idea how many injections of chemo he’s had on top of the pills.  100-200? Oh yeah, and somewhere over 1,000 prednisone pills. So it’s not been easy.  But honestly, MOST days have been good.  And we’ve cherished every one.  We’ve learned to cherish the most normal, boring days with all of our kids.  Those are actually our favorites. I want to take this time to leave a couple of thoughts as a follower of Jesus and a parent of someone who’s finishing 3+ years of chemo: It sounds worse than it is.  All of those stories, all of those numbers, they didn’t happen at once.  And we didn’t know the next one was coming.  So as long as we lived in the grace of that day, we made it through. The presence of Jesus is very real, the grace of God is very real, the comfort of the Holy Spirit is very real.  I could give you story after story… There’s a lot of joy to be had in pain and sorrow. Really sweet joy. At the same time, the root of bitterness will defile even the good things going on in your life. One of the most important lessons of grace I’ve learned is to just give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  People aren’t trying to be insensitive.  The nurse didn’t wake up this morning planning to mess us up.  Most people who say “let me know if I can do anything” really would do something if they could just figure out how.  And I am under a tremendous load and am going to fail at a lot of things.  Just give people the benefit of the doubt, including myself. I ask God to build all of these amazing things into me, my wife, my family, and my church.  I don’t get to dictate how He does it.  My son got leukemia, AND my Father loves us more than I can fathom. Families walking through emotional and psychological illness (especially in a child) don’t get the sympathy and understanding of cancer families.  But in many ways, the journey is more exhausting and terrifying.  We’ve been in both worlds these last few years.  In our case, cancer is a much easier battle.  That’s a story for another day though. And so now we are done with chemo, and I have to admit, I’m scared.  I feel like we know every single child in South Florida who has relapsed.  And we’ve grieved with plenty of parents who have buried their children.  I’m supposed to be overjoyed that we are done with chemo.  But it’s become a bit of a crutch.  And now I don’t know what to think.  So I suppose I’ll just have to trust God. But I know that trusting God doesn’t mean my son won’t relapse. It means that He will never leave us nor forsake us, and His grace will be there. So I will pray that day never comes, celebrate today, live in gratitude, and marvel at the little man and family God has forged through this fire. Thank you Jesus.

This is not the podcast you were expecting.  Rather than talk about bedtime routines or homework strategies, I’m joined by Patrick Farley, who placed in the top 5 in the Florida State Teacher of the Year awards for 2018.  We talk strategies for helping you establish solid communication and rapport with your child’s teacher.  Listen and share with others to learn how to communicate concerns, resolve conflicts, and get the best out of your parent-teacher-student relationship. Patrick Farley is not only an exceptional teacher, he’s a mentor in our student ministry, sports coach, expecting father, and host of the new Youtube channel Mr. Farley.  Check it out!

There’s one thing that can rob you of your joy no matter what’s going on in your life.  You can live in a house on the beach with a million dollars in the bank, yet be absolutely miserable.  This Joy Killer is a cancer to the soul and a destroyer of relationships.  Listen to today’s podcast to find out what it is and what you can do about it.

I know, this sounds like the most manipulative, self-help title I can imagine.  But the principles are totally Biblical.  Going a little further in my reading of Dale Carnegie’s classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, I was shocked to realize that Carnegie’s strategy for getting people to like you is simply a practical working out of God’s command to us in Philippians 2:3-4 Philippians 2:3–4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (ESV) What does this look like in your relationships?  Listen to the podcast as I explain the importance of: Becoming genuinely interested in other people. Smile Too simple, right?  But I promise you, if you listen (or get the book and read) and genuinely try to apply these principles to your relationships, not only will you get people to like you, but they will like you because you are a genuine blessing in their life! Listen, share with one person who needs to hear, and let your spouse and children be your guinea pigs as you try the simple, profound practices of becoming genuinely interested people and smiling.

I recently found a copy of Dale Carnegie’s classic How to Win Friends and Influence People in the bargain rack at my local bookstore.  Honestly I had very low expectations.  And I was very wrong.  The book is largely an exposition of the Golden Rule – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” As I’ve worked through the chapters I realize that the principles given in this book, if applied, would absolutely change the tone of relationships in our homes.  It’s not about manipulation, it’s about considering the other person and looking for the best in them. Today I share three principles that can help lower defensiveness and increase the willingness of each member of your household to do their best for one another.  Listen, share it with others, and by all means, pick up a copy of this classic book! Just remember, any fool can criticize and complain, and most do.  But it takes character to hold your tongue and seek the best for those in your house.  Let the change in your home start with you!

Your church family can inspire your household towards deeper faith in Christ and years of meaningful service.  It can also sow doubts about Jesus, hurt your marriage, and stir seeds that lead your children to abandon the faith. On today’s podcast I talk about choosing a healthy church for your family. If you’re already happily nestled in the church of your dreams, I want to encourage you to listen because this is still going to be really important for you to hear. But if you find yourself between churches, or you’re involved in a church and you’re wavering on whether you should stick or split, these few minutes are vital for you to hear and potentially share with others in the same spot. Listen as I explain my reasoning on how much you can determine on just about any given Sunday in a church gathering: – Do they worship Jesus as Lord? – Do they hold up the Bible as God’s Word and our guide? – Do they demonstrate their love for people by the way they treat the ones in front of them? Additionally I address a couple of longer term considerations: – Is the leadership seeking Jesus? – Fit? But be realistic. Finally, I talk about some items that aren’t near as important as we sometimes make them out to be: – The music – The coffee – The sound and lighting – How they dress – Are they super organized – Did they remember my birthday or my hospital stay – Topical or “Exxegetical” And if you’re on the Treasure Coast of South Florida and don’t have a church family, I invite you to come worship with us at Covenant Fellowship Baptist Church!  

Have you ever been driving along and experienced an accident, or even a near-miss accident?  Things happen so fast, your body essentially takes over before your mind knows what’s going on. Do you remember how you felt in the moments after you got through the event?  As your brain begins to comprehend what happened, your adrenaline is still pumping, and suddenly your emotions catch up with the reality of what could have happened.  The event might only last for seconds, but the emotional recovery can take several minutes, hours, or days. The time after a major personal or family crisis can often be like a very drawn out version of one of these accidents or near misses.  You think you should be able to just jump back into life, but instead find yourself flooded with emotion and fatigue.  You have a quick burst of energy but then feel like a zombie. Just as self-care in the midst of crisis is important, self care after a crisis is crucial to rebuild all that is broken in the midst of trial and tragedy.  Listen to this week’s podcast and share with friends you know who have walked through deep waters as I discus: – Keeping your expectations realistic – Bursts of energy then deflation – Reestablishing your routine – Extended periods of rest – Spiritual renewal – Reviewing your journal – Counseling and therapy – Low impact vacation time – Recommitting to your spiritual community – Serving with your newfound gifts It’s fooling to try to return to your old normal.  You’re not the same person you were before walking through these waters.  Acknowledge it.  Embrace it.  And keep waking.  

We all go through significant times of crisis in our lives. For some it’s in response to a major event, for others it can be a drawn out season of chronic challenges. On today’s podcast I want to share some perspectives on self-care while going through crisis.  As a parent or a spouse, you might find yourself dealing with the fallout of traumatic events in your loved one’s life.  Some of these things might be short seasons or events, the others might be chronic.  But in either case, as you find yourself having to go above and beyond what might be your “normal” load and capacity, I want to encourage you to give attention to your own health and well being.  Today we are going to focus on self care during the crisis, and next week I’ll give insights on what we might call “the rebuilding process” after the heat of the crisis cools. As  you listen to the podcast today, you’ll learn the importance of: Lowering your expectations Sleep Food as fuel Recognize Junk Food and Junk Time Moments of alone time Non-legalistic time with God Drive time devotions Praise music Physical fitness Journaling Friends If you find yourself in a relatively stable period of life, listen and learn, because you know your time is coming.  Also, think of a friend who needs to hear this, and share it with them!

I received a question about dating recently in an “Ask Anything” session with my teenagers at church.  In this podcast, I review the set of questions I gave the group to ask themselves before getting into a relationship (which, by the way, should not be until late in their teenage years at the earliest). Whether you’re a teen or an adult, if you’re considering entering a dating relationship, you should be able to give thoughtful answers to these questions.  For an in depth analysis of each question, listen to the podcast, where I’m joined by my favorite guest ever, my teenage daughter Brooklyn Holland! What is your purpose in dating? Is it boredom Is it to validate your worth Is it status Are you ready to progress towards a permanent relationship with a potential spouse? Minimum set of questions you should know about them before starting a relationship Are they honest? How do they treat people from whom they have nothing to gain? How do they treat their parents? What do their friends really think of them? What do your friends really think of them? Is there evidence that they are pursuing a relationship with Jesus? Do they have a work ethic? Can I actually see myself ending up with this person for the rest of my life? Minimum set of questions you should know about yourself before starting a relationship Where is my security? What are my goals in life What are the things I really value in life? How do I treat people i have nothing to gain from? What level of ownership am I comfortable with someone having of me? How far away am I from actually getting married? How am I at self control Who do I have in my life that is free to speak truth? These questions are heavy and hard.  But unless you want your dating relationships to be practice sessions for divorce, you need to be able to answer them! Share this list and podcast with your kids.  Talk about the questions and answers.  Share them with others who need to hear, whether they are teens or adults!

In a recent “ask anything” segment with my teenagers, I was asked “how do I removed myself from toxic relationships without being the bad guy?” This excellent question assumes that we know a toxic relationship when we see one.  Unfortunately, that’s not always true. We discovered principles from six verses in Proverbs 20 that gave us clues on the types of people to avoid: The Manipulator Unequal weights and unequal measures are both alike an abomination to the Lord. Proverbs 20:10 The manipulator inflates and twists words, situations, and emotions to their own advantage.  Blowing some things out of proportion while minimizing other serious issues, the manipulator applies unequal weights and measure to get what the want out of people. The Addict Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, and whoever is led astray by it is not wise Proverbs 20:1 To an addict, people stop becoming people and start becoming means to an end. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, pornography, or social media addiction, an addict will dehumanize those around them and begin to see them as commodities. The Deceiver Bread gained by deceit is sweet to a man,  but afterward his mouth will be full of gravel.  Proverbs 20:17 People that lie over little things lie over big things.  If your friends lie to their parents, loved ones, or authorities for the sake of convenience, you can be sure that they will lie when more important issues are on the line.  Connect to these individuals at your own peril. The Gossip Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler. Proverbs 20:19 If someone gossips about other people to you, they are gossiping about you to other people.  Keep these people as friends only if you enjoy being torn down behind your back. The Arguer It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling. Proverbs 20:3 For some people, arguing is a hobby.  They are more interested in being right than protecting relationship.  If you are close friends with an arguer, prepare to be exhausted on a continual basis. The Slug The sluggard does not plow in the autumn; he will seek at harvest and have nothing. Proverbs 20:4 The real problem with slugs is that in human relationships they often morph into leaches.  Beware of people who have no work ethic, they will happily drain your resources while feeling no responsibility to contribute themselves. These six types of people form a toxic brew of relationship that’s easy to remember when you see them all together: Manipulator Addict Deceiver Gossip Arguer Slug As a parent of two boys, I can tell you that there’s nothing more toxic than MAD GAS!  Don’t be these things, and avoid close associations with these people! Once you’ve identified the toxic people in your life, how do you get out of these relationships?  Here are some quick thoughts, especially geared towards your kids: First, you need to identify why the relationship is toxic.  Sometimes is just a matter of being around the same people too much.  Too much of most things become toxic.  For example, too many bananas can kill you.  So can too much salt. If this is the case in your relationship, Diversify and Dilute Diversify: go be a part of different friend groups Dilute: add new friends to your current relationships to dilute the power of any one or two people in that group.  New people in the mix can change the entire dynamic for the better. Sometimes an honest conversation can change the direction of a relationship.  You might have fallen into some of these habits with your friends, and simply acknowledging that can often wake the group to straighten up. But in the end, you have to understand that some relationships (and people) are just poisonous for you. If this is the case, get out. Throw your parents under the bus: Parents, if you can encourage your kids to let you know when they are over their heads relationally, you can relieve them by being the “bad guy” and adding rules or restrictions that will cut those ties. I’m aware that sometimes my children are going to encounter powerfully controlling people, and I’m glad to bare the blame of being the mean dad if it helps remove my child from those relationships. Start doing (good) things they don’t like: One way to remove lying addicts and slugs from your life is to start spending your time doing worthwhile things.  Get involved in service projects, spend more time with your family or church family.  People pursuing darkness don’t like to run in the light. Be the bad guy/girl, cut your losses.  In the end, you can’t always get out of a toxic relationship without being the bad guy/girl.  Because some people are just mean and manipulative.  But the key point is that the relationship is TOXIC.  It’s poisonous.  When it’s all said and done, I’d rather look rude as I remove myself form a poisonous situation than politely stay and kill my self or reputation. Identifying and avoiding toxic relationships is an advanced life skill.  Knowing when you’re in the midst of MAD GAS is a great first step. Own these principles, teach your children, and pray for God’s help in applying them to your lives!