Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

If I can think of one word to describe the culture we live in, it’s “Confused”.  Gender identity might be the battle that gets the biggest headlines, but it’s not like the vast majority of males and females are killing it. I believe that a paper understanding of our identity is key to stability, resiliency, purpose, and meaning.  A misunderstanding of identity leads to confusion, anxiety, and… basically the United States in 2017. On this week’s podcast I share a model for understanding our identity.  Here’s a short overview and the visual I described in the podcast.  If you want details, listen to the podcast. The overall premise is that getting our core identity right is essential to understanding all of the other roles in our life.  As parents, we have thousands of opportunity to encourage and reinforce healthy identity.  A vocabulary and a model will help you. Here are four layers of identity, in what I believe is the healthiest order: Starting from the center and working outward: A person made in the image of God:   “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.  Genesis 1:27   Our deepest value, and our greatest source of identity, should be that we are a special creation, a person made in the image of God.  Just like a Picasso drawing on a napkin would be priceless, we are priceless because of our Maker.  Nothing we achieve tops being an image bearer of God, capable of relationship with Him. A child of God: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 This is not our identity at birth, but is at rebirth.  Being a child of God entails so many things.  It means I’m loved, chosen, a Citizen of Heaven, Ambassador of God, a Saint, a Royal Priest, and much more. A Male or Female Gender is in our very DNA.  We are different by design, and it’s wonderful.  We are not made to be  cookie cutter stereotypes.  But we can find great strength and purpose in understanding that God did make men and women different for a reason.  At our church, we teach our kids, teens, and adults that A REAL Man Rejects Passivity Expects Gods Greater Reward Accepts Responsibility Leads Courageously For our little ones we say “You’re a man. That means that God made you strong to take care of others.” A Real Woman: Rejects Worldly Identity Expects God’s Greater Reward Acts with Strength and Wisdom Loves Others Boldly And in simple terms “You’re a woman. That means God made you graceful to heal others.” We can celebrate God’s give of one another, and our interdependence upon one another. World, Work, Warm, Wonder There is no doubt that our culture, our work, our family (warm) and our passions shape our identity.  The problem is when people start looking at these as their CORE identity.  For instance, if your CORE identity is in your job, 1) satisfaction is primarily derived from success, and 2) people become a commodity towards you achieving success.  What happens when you fail, what happens when your work consumes all else?  Ruin. This is a simple construct to try to make sense of a very complicated world.  Think about it.  Test it, and let me know how it holds up!    

I want to share with you two simple object lessons you can use with your kids encourage them to think different. And yes, I know it’s “think differently”.  But Apple made a bazillion dollars off of it’s “think different” ad campaign, so I’m sticking with it. Anyway, we know that we live in a culture that is continually pressuring kids to conform to patterns of destruction, all in the name of “not conforming.” Here’s a simple little illustration i did with the teens in our church, using two well know objects that you likely already have in your house.  If your teens are at CFBC and experienced the illustrations, ask them to repeat and explain them for you! Romans 12:2 tells us  “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” There are two important terms in this verse: Conform: to be pressed from the outside into a certain mold or pattern. Transform: to be changed from within. These concepts are key at EVERY age, and the same illustration works for children as well as teens.  It’s the discussion that will be a little different. Illustration 1:  Play Doh The reason we love Play Do is because we can conform it to so many different images.  How do we do this?  We apply pressure from the outside.  We manipulate it.  We tear it apart.  The more we pressure and squeeze it, the easier it is to manipulate. But Play Doh isn’t ever anything but Play Doh.  It doesn’t create any lasting work.  It can get brittle and dry and then is worthless to society.  As soon as Play Doh doesn’t serve our purpose, we discard it. This is a perfect image of conforming to this world.  We are pressure, influenced, and squeezed.  In the end, we are whatever the world wants us to be, until it’s done with us, and then we are discarded. The Bible calls us to not be conformed to this world.  As you sit and talk with your kids (even teenagers) and manipulate your Play Doh, ask what different factors pressure them.  Where are they tempted to conform to the world?  What do they think is the end result.  Encourage them to chose to not be Play-Doh Illustration 2: A Glass, a soda, and water To illustrate transformation, pour a nice tall glass of dark soda.  The glass represents us.  The soda represents what we put inside us.  Based on choices we make, things we experience, and the world we consume, we’ve become filled up with sticky, calorie filled darkness.  Coke may taste sweet, but we all know it’s wrecking us on the inside.  Transformation happens from the inside as well.  Romans 12:2 says that we are transformed by renewing our mind.  We renew our mind with God’s Word, Worship, Prayer, and Fellowship.  When we renew our minds, slowly the darkness inside us becomes light. A little bit each day, that which is unhealthy is replaced in us by that which is pure.  (This is not a salvation illustration, but a sanctification one).  If you pour long enough, you eventually transform the entire contents of the glass. This is what God calls us to do each day!  A continuous habit of renewables will transform us from the inside out!   There you have it.  Two simple, powerful illustrations that drive home the difference between conforming and transforming.  You want your children to think different.  Give them the tools to think different. Key questions I would ask my children along the way: Can you explain to me the difference between conforming and transforming? What are some areas where you feel like people are trying to get you to conform?  How do you feel about them?  What can you do about them? What are some habits we can commit to to transform from the inside out? What do we think might be the result of transforming from the inside out? This is a simple win.  Take it!  

In case you haven’t notices, your children typically have multiple character issues that need addressing.  Also, in case you haven’t noticed, they usually don’t appreciate when you address those issues. They especially don’t like when you bring up multiple issues all at once.  In that way, they’re like the rest of us humans.  But unlike the rest of humanity, children often have no sense of urgency in developing character habits, responsibility or personal industry.  Inside the safety of the home, there’s generally a buffer zone that protects them from some of the natural consequences they will face in the grown-up world.  This is a good thing, but can be frustrating as well. I feel like I have simple desires for my children: I just want them to treat each other kindly, to speak to me and their mother respectfully, to give their best to their homework and chores, to pick up after themselves, and to preemptively notice when things need to be done and help out sometimes. Sounds simple.  But apparently, it’s insanely hard.  And it takes thousands of repetitions and reminders.  And I get so very tired and frustrated. How do you train your kids to develop character, responsibility, and industry without living in constant tension or crushing their spirit? When my wife and I were going through foster parenting classes, they introduced us to a term that has been very helpful for me. Junk Behavior: Behaviors that are annoying, unpleasant, but not immediately harmful. In training us to bring very broken children into our home, we were coached that these kids would bring a whole hosts of undesirable habits with them.  As parents, our goal is to discern what’s most vitally important to our household, focus on these, and let some of the others slip by as “Junk behavior”.  It doesn’t mean that you have to acknowledge those behaviors are acceptable.  It means ignoring them until you deal with more pressing issues. This concept has been extremely helpful, not just in fostering, but in parenting our biological children as well.  A couple of the helpful results that came from adopting this strategy: It gave us the freedom to be inconsistent in our parenting. It calmed our frustrations that we might be raising social deviants. The freedom of inconsistency: I love all of my children to the fullest of my capacity.  But I don’t love them all the same.  I love them uniquely, because they are unique.  And while we try to maintain consistent character and standards in our home, rules are flexible based on a child’s ability and capacity.  For example, I have a little one who struggles greatly with impulse control, among other things. We have worked on the habit of waiting until we pray before we all start eating, but it is a nightly occurrence for her to get up from the table, go to the restroom, literally do a few cartwheels, and come sit back down.  She will get up from the table 4-6 times a meal in the evenings.  I hate it.  But I largely ignore it, because we are also working on eating with our utensils and not hands, taking part in dinner conversations without dominating or yelling, and we also want to find out about our other children’s day. No one else is allowed to do cartwheels at dinner.  But for our youngest, at this time, it’s junk behavior.  There will come a day when we will focus on this.  But it’s probably not going to be this evening. A calm parent produces less social deviants: That’s at least what I’m telling myself.  By choosing to ignore junk behavior, realizing that there’s plenty of time to “fix” some of these actions, I don’t build up steam so quickly. I pay more attention to heart issues.  I’m happier and less disappointed in my children and my parenting.  This makes me a better parent, I’m pretty sure.  I treat my children better when I’m in a good mood, and generally they reflect that behavior and will treat others better.  I don’t want to stay angry, frustrated, or nitpicky.  Hopefully, by prioritizing my battles, my children will take to heart the battles that are most important to me.  Besides, my goal isn’t to “battle” them anyway.  It’s to teach them to have character, love God, and be a helpful human. God puts up with SO MUCH junk behavior in our lives as He continues to sanctify us.  Aren’t you thankful He doesn’t zap you every time you blow it? So what behaviors are junk behaviors? This very much depends on your child, your household, and your situation.  I think all of the following COULD be considered a junk behavior, depending on the circumstance.  I’ll leave it to you, your spouse, and the Lord to discern what’s best in your current family stage: messy rooms dress and clothing (sloppiness and styles) sighing back-talking procrastination slang words (not cursing) table manners interrupting moodiness I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  ALL of these habits need to be addressed.  You’re just not going to be able to address them all at once.  Go for heart issues first!

Have you ever longed to be in a great discipleship relationship, where you get to mentor someone  and watch them grow  into a fully devoted follower of Jesus?  Are you in one of those relationships now?  If you don’t think you are, let me encourage you to go back home and take a peak in your extra bedrooms at the little people who eat all of your food.  You’ve got your disciples.  Now, how are you going to disciple them? Jesus modeled a very clear, understandable way to make and train disciples.  It works in churches, and in my opinion might work even better in the home, because we eat, labor, and live with those in our home.   On this week’s Podcast, two of my good friends and student ministry veterans help explain a concept called 4 Chair Discipling, which was first elaborated by Dann Spader (You should really buy this book and read it).  Curtis Burnham of Reign Ministries and Crisman Koechig from Coastal life church have been trained and now train others in this surprisingly simple pattern that we see lived out in His life with the disciples: Come and see: We spend time with someone lost or seeking.  Follow me: A new believer makes a commitment to follow Jesus. Follow me and I’ll make you fishers of men: a believer is a worker in the field, working alongside someone who knows what they are doing. Go and Bear Fruit: a worker is now mature, working on their own, making their own disciples. You see this in the life of Christ.  He spends time with Andrew and Phillip, John and Nathaniel.  They need to get to know Him, and he takes the time to do that.  As they begin to be drawn by Jesus, he invites them to follow him as disciples.  Soon after, Jesus brings them along on ministry trips as fishers of men, workers in the field.  As they learn and grow, Jesus then gives them responsibility and authority to go out on their own and make disciples. This process took three and a half years for the Son of God when he was walking and living with the disciples day in and day out.   The fact that it took Jesus this much time encourages me that 1) this isn’t something that happens quickly and 2) it will happen best with those we spend the most time with.   For instance, our children. So how can we do this at home? Walk as Jesus walked – Model for our kids what it looks like to be dependent on the Holy Spirit.  Do they see you reading your Bible?  Do they see you praying?  Do they see you serving, giving, showing hospitality?  Do you show grace and forgiveness?  Do they see your humanity and vulnerability? Invite them in to a walk with Christ – More than just asking them to trust Jesus for their life, invite them in to join you in your walk.  Do some of your studies with them.  Pray with them.  Help them discover their faith.  Embrace the awkwardness! Challenge them to take pieces of the process – Let them take turns leading in prayer, brining a devotion, make a meal for someone in need.  Coach them through forgiveness and reconciliation with their friends. Pray for your friends and neighbors and their friends and neighbors together!  Make your home a hub for ministry together. Release responsibility and authority – Even if they’re not going to do something as well as you, let them lead.  As is age appropriate, let them take as much responsibility and authority as you can, and then celebrate the wins. Speaking of celebrating the wins, in parenting and discipleship we need to remember that THE PROCESS IS THE WIN!  We might never get to spend time basking in the finished product.  So we need to soak up the process.  The joy is in the journey. I’ve done my best to overview our conversation, but you really should listen to our discussion and read the book!  It’s very much worth your time.  You can do this!  

I had a recent conversation with one of my good friends and partners in local youth ministry, Crisman Koechig.  It was fun for me and I think it will be helpful for you to listen.  We hit these important topics, and you should really listen in! What are the commonalities you see in families who’s children actually spiritually thrive? What kind of families are most challenging for kids to thrive spiritually? Should you force your kid to come to church or youth/kids ministry? What level of involvement in student and children’s ministry is helpful?  Are you going to hurt them by hovering in there space? The concept of Potted Plant Parenting, and giving up being the “cool parent”. That’s it.  A nice, easy, helpful conversation that will give you just enough goodness to help you through your week. But it’s only helpful if you listen!

We are one week into 2018.  Have you radically changed your life yet?  Me neither.  I’ve mostly been trying to convince my body that I’m not still in India.  I love mornings.  But I don’t love 2AM. Many people love New Year’s Resolutions, and others just as passionately hate them.  I mostly stay away from the “resolution” word because it feels like as soon as theirs failure, there’s despair and giving up.  Anything really worth “resolving” at the front of the year should be worth sticking with as the year goes on, even if it takes you most of the year to start sticking.  If you want some help on getting a new habit to stick, I recommend you checking out one of the very early blogs and podcasts I did,  all about how to learn a new habit. I like to take the couple of weeks at the end of one year and beginning of another to evaluate where I’ve been and where I’m heading.  As I do, I always remember a powerful quote by Andy Stanley: “Your Direction, Not Your Intention, Determines Your Destination” This is simple, profound, and convicting. As an example, I live really close to U.S. 1 in Stuart, FL.  It’s cold right now, so perhaps I decide I want to get as far south as possible, and I know that U.S. 1 will ultimately get me to Key West.  If I head to U.S. 1 and turn left from my house, it doesn’t matter how much I want to get to Key West, I’m headed to Maine!  It’s my direction, not my intention, that determines my destination.  Therefore, a very wise, simple exercise we should do as humans, parents, followers of Jesus, is to take an honest look at our direction. A simple, powerful question to ask yourself: Given my current direction, without changing trajectory  where am I heading? I think this is an important question to ask oneself, not just in general, but in specific areas of your life.  Take some time, apply this question to the following areas: Your walk with Jesus Your marriage Your relationships with your kids and family Your professional life Your finances Your physical health Very likely, if you’re honest, you’re not going to be thrilled with all of the conclusions.  Given that reality, you’re left with two options: 1) Keep on doing what you’re doing and pretend that somehow you’re going to get a different result through magic 2) Change your direction. If you realize you need a change of direction, I recommend you 1) share this with someone who can encourage you and keep you accountable, 2) make a plan to start baby steps in the right direction and 3) check out this “Hardwiring Habits” post I mentioned earlier. And if you’re looking for baby steps, here are a few you might consider: Read one chapter of the Bible a day; add a specific time of consistent prayer each day; get in a small group with people who will encourage you Block one morning or evening every week or two weeks for a date with your spouse, or some intentional activity with your kids each week, or one specific night each week for dinner with your family Write out 3 Actionable Goals for this year in your professional life Take Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace course and follow his Baby Steps to Financial Freedom Start a Food Journal.  Write down everything you eat. These are just suggestions, and you likely cannot start all of these at one time and have any hopes at succeeding.  So pick on, or two. Take baby steps.  Change your direction.  Change your destination!  By God’s grace and with His help you can do this! Let me know what baby steps you’re taking this year!  

Helplessness.  Hopelessness.  Darkness.  Lethargy.  Racing thoughts.  Why am I feeling this way? My good friend Jenny Price joins me again this week for a very honest and helpful talk on anxiety and depression.  Jenny is 26 years  into her marriage and is raising 5 children with her husband, Pastor Matt Price.  She gives a very open, honest account of her personal struggle with anxiety and depression over the years. It’s almost an absolute certainty that you either struggle with anxiety & depression or someone you love does.  This talk was incredibly helpful to me, and I know it will be to you as well. https://www.letsparentonpurpose.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/LPOP-49-Depression-and-Anxiety-in-Marriage-and-Parenting.mp3 Itunes I can’t possibly cover all that we talked about.  Listen to the podcast.   Highlights of the show include Jenny tracing her battle with anxiety and depression from childhood through the teenage years, issues of abuse that exacerbated the situation, physical symptoms that revealed her inner struggles. The interaction between mental and spiritual health as well as the stigma around the term mental illness. Why is it acceptable for Christians to get medicine for physical ailments but not mental battles?   Circumstantial vs. chemical anxiety and depression as well as the differences between feelings of anxiety and depression How mental illness is a sign of spiritual brokenness, but why praying, reading ones bible, and thinking about Jesus might not be enough to fix the problem. Jenny’s story of realizing she needs help and the path she has walked to wellness. AdviceIf you are struggling with anxiety or depression Get help, because help can’t hurt.  If medical help is what they give you, do what they actually say.   Sometimes it might be a daily humbling of opening the pill container. By the way, A pastor can help you address spiritual issues, help you identify and own sin, give you help and plans for strengthening the spiritual part of your life.  But MOST pastors are not counseling experts and aren’t in a position to council through long term needs. A counselor is there to listen to all of the thoughts going on in your head.  You have time and space to talk things out, work through things, feel the release of sharing. A psychologist will step that up a notch, help give you tools of cognitive behavioral therapy. A psychiatrist will help you address the issues medically. But you might even start with your internal medicine doctor. Have people in your life that you talk with honestly Share your story If you perceive these symptoms in your spouse The first battle to get over is denial. Make note of specific symptoms, help point out to them “these are the things I see” without trying to diagnose all of the root causes.  Encourage them that they will feel helped if they go talk to someone. Don’t overwhelm them with an exhaustive list, that could be crushing. Go with your spouse to the appointment if they will go. If you have a friend who lives with anxiety and depression If they’re not dealing with it, ask questions.  Show compassion.  Give love and grace.  Give them time to let it sink in that there may be a more serious problem. If they’re managing it, talk to them, ask questions, give grace. Resources whether it’s you or a loved one Defeating Depression: Real Hope for Life Changing Wellness The Body Keeps the Score  I have personally read this book and can highly recommend it! Change Your Brain, Change Your Life  Check out this online depression test Sadly, this is often a taboo subject, especially in Christian circles.  We’ve bought into some kind of lie that says I should be able to change our mental and emotional state if we are just spiritual enough.  To counter that, I present to you the following: The Bible is full of lament.  There’s even a book called Lamentations.  About one third of the Psalms are songs of disorientation.  Elijah the prophet wanted to die after his victory on Mt. Carmel.  Sometimes life is so very hard.  Sometimes it’s hard because of external circumstances.  But sometimes those forces are internal.qI have a family tendency towards high blood pressure. I have a family history of high blood pressure.  Knowing this, I want to do everything I can to eat well, exercise, and have healthy outlets for my stress.  But if I do all of these things and still find myself with high blood pressure, I want to CONTINUE to do all of these things, and humbly thank the Lord that there is medicine that will potentially give me more years with my kids and grandkids.  The same analogy should govern our mental health. You’re not alone.  It won’t always be like this.  One day Jesus will make all things new.  In the meantime, get help.      

Mother of 5, career coach, and pastor’s wife Jenny Price muses on what she would tell her early parenting self if she had a time machine.

Professional Counselor and adoptive father Bradley McCallester joins me again to talk about strategies for using mistakes to train desired behaviors.

Professional Counselor and adoptive father Bradley McCallester joins me to talk about strategies for using mistakes to train desired behaviors.