Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

29 Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:29 ESV  As a dad who has never seen, but still believes, here’s how I feel blessed and hopeful as a parent: Easter is the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus.  The resurrection is the validation of everything Jesus said and did: It means that His teachings aren’t just sound advice, they are commands with a supernatural power behind them. It means that wen Jesus says I can call God my Father, it’s true.  He’s not just some distant authority figure, He’s my Daddy. It means I’m truly forgiven of my sins.  I don’t have to live a life of penance making up for past mistakes (including parenting mistakes).  I can focus on walking in grace and humility, trying to do what’s right today instead of wallowing in the guilt of my failures from yesterday. I’ve trusted Jesus to save my soul, and I’m trusting Him to give me the grace for what He’s commanded me to do as a parent. 2. Easter is a reminder that life comes from death, that light comes after the darkness, and that God is actively at work even when nothing makes sense. It means that even my worst parenting days are redeemable, and that what I (or others) meant for evil, God will turn for good. It means that my children’s disabilities, shortcomings, and failures are just details in a greater story that God is writing.  He is forming their character as well as mine, and He is making All Things New! It means that my son getting cancer or my wife dying is not the last word.  My hope is not in a particular outcome, it’s in a Person.  And that Person conquered death and the grave and promised to do the same for me and all of those that love HIm. 3. Easter is a conviction that I am not the center of the universe, and neither are my children. I don’t have to have it all figured out, because I’m not in charge of this planet.  I’m not God and I don’t get to dictate everything in my life or my children’s life.  That’s really freeing. My kids get to mess up as well, because my pride and identity should not be wrapped up in them looking impressive.  I am created in the image of God and am a brother of the King Most High.  Who cares whether my kid qualifies me for an honor roll bumper sticker? Since I’m not the center of the universe, or even the dictator in my own house, I get to REST like it depends on God.  Because it does. These are among the 5,000 things I’m thankful for this Easter.  What about you? How does Easter give you hope as a parent?

This might be more confessional than instructional, but here are my thoughts as the parent of two different special needs kids. I was asked to do a podcast giving advice to parents of special needs kids, that went something beyond “cut yourself some slack”.  After spending 20 minutes talking about my own experiences, maybe I can can offer double the wisdom: You are not alone. Cut yourself some slack. If you’re a special needs parent, or friends with someone who is, I pray this podcast offers some kind of encouragement, even if it’s “at least I’m not as bad as THAT guy!”

  This guest post is from my friend Willow Sander of Protect the Heart Ministries, in conjunction with our podcast discussion on “Talking to your children about sex”. “Hey, it’s time to talk!” Funny how that phrase does not startle us as parents as much as this one: However, eventually the time will come. Unfortunately, in our fast-paced culture the need for that “talk” will come sooner than most of us would like. We do not have to dread it though. Honestly most of us probably have dreaded that time for a few major reasons: It was handled about as awkward as things get for us as children. Times are different and that difference can be a win in our column as parents. There is access to information that just was not available to our parents. We can Google sites and read books that can really make us prepared instead of have us stammering for words. Focus on the family has a great layout in the “God’s Design for Sex” series. We still see them as not ready and do not want to awaken anything before it is time. Consider this scenario: You go to get a late night snack, say a bowl of cereal. You think you have all you need for the time that is at hand only to open the fridge and realize NO MILK. You pass the store regularly, you open the fridge daily yet what should have been obvious to deal with is ignored until the need is great. So goes that way in many households when it comes to the topic of discussing sex and sexuality with our children. Anne Marie Miller, in her book, 5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know about Their Kids & Sex sets out to do just that: get parents prepared and knowledgeable on the “Talk” at any age of development. We don’t want to share our past choices and seem hypocritical Let me reassure you there is NO ONE better suited than you to guide your child through this journey. With every other area it seems vying for our children’s hearts and minds, Passport 2 Purity  puts the conversation back where it should be: in the home. Check out their materials as they aim to build heart-to-heart communication between you and your pre-teen while laying a foundation of purity that will prepare them for the turbulent years ahead. This journey is not for the faint of heart but once we are centered to play offense, we will be ready to stand strong in defense of our children, families and communities. You were called to this! You shall be equipped for it! We believe in you!  

Thank you Willow Sanders of Protect the Heart Ministries for joining me for a fantastic discussion of safeguards and protections we parents can instill for our children. Below is an incredibly helpful guest post by Willow that goes along with our discussion. Eyes, Ears, Hearts and Souls I don’t know, in my head the preschool song “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” came to mind as I searched for how to slap a title on this. And realistically THOSE are just the areas we are charged with so cautiously guarding as parents, teachers and family members. A job that seems to be getting harder by the mouse click, tv remote and ticket sale! Thankfully there are many organizations rising to meet that challenge head on. I remember attending a conference a few years back on the climate of pornography in our current culture. It was a difficult one for sure. More reality than many of us cared to admit but we also found out in the midst of such darkness, God was directing people to take back the territory we as a ‘civilized’ culture seem bent on abdicating away. One such organization had lobbied dozens and dozens of hotel chains to make their locations ‘porn free’ zones. That means no click of the tv channel would lead to a conclave of debauchery within their walls. You can check them out  http://www.cleanhotels.com/ . And we wish the ‘out there’ influences were that easily controllable but the reality that was also shared by Josh McDowell, with more than 50 years of student ministry,  was that we no longer have to just be worried about our kids looking for porn; porn is looking for our kids. SCARY, HUH?! But we aren’t a people without hope and I strongly urge you to check out these resources as you fight for the Eyes, Ears, Hearts and Souls of our youth: Covenant Eyes (Internet Filtering and Accountability) ESafety.gov.au (many informative sites on a variety of platforms our kids needs safety in) Annemariemiller.com (Apps Every Parent Needs to Know About) Enough.org/resource_center (Resource Link in pull down menu)

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:1-4 This is one of the most basic, foundational passage in the Bible for parent/child relationships.  But basic doesn’t mean simple.  Check out this week’s podcast as I break down the implications for both parents and children.  

Everyone wants your 100% best.  But it’s impossible for everyone to get your 100% best. During a time in my life when my family was suffering because of my inability to set appropriate boundaries in work, a wise friend recommended this book to me: When Work and Family Collide (by Andy Stanley) made an incredibly complex subject very clear to me. I want to give my best to everyone, but the truth is that I’m replaceable in nearly every context. But not in my home. In the grand scheme, only one environment is going to get the best of you.  Will it be your work or your family?  You’re going to cheat somewhere.  Learn how to work in such a way that you give your very best to your family, and if anything needs to be cheated, it’s the workplace.  Since you know God is most interested in you giving your best first and foremost to your family, ask HIM to make up the difference in your work. It sounds crazy, but it works.  Just know that it doesn’t relieve you from working hard at work. If you struggle with this, or your spouse does, listen to the podcast and/or read the book! Your spouse. Your children. Your job. One of these won’t be there at the end of your life.  Make sure that one doesn’t get the best part of your living!

I have a question for those who think that sex is primarily a physical act:  why have you never heard of someone going to a counselor for years after smashing their thumb with a hammer?  I’ve done that before.  I’ve also smashed a finger in a barn door, and it was one of the most intensely painful experiences of my life. But aside from having a silly story to tell and being extra carful around the hinges of doors, I’ve really never looked back. One single, violating sexual act, however, can create years of trauma and dysfunction. Because sex is far, far more than just a physical act.  It’s highly relational, highly spiritual.   Each year I spend time trying to figure out different ways of saying the same thing to our students at Covenant Fellowship.  In the realm of sexuality, here are the basics of a recent lesson I did on Guilt Free Relationships (AKA Great Sexpectations).  (Disclaimer, much of the language and principles for this were taken from a combination of Andy Stanley Lessons on sex, especially 7 Checkpoints for Student Ministry.  He’s much smarter and more concise than me, check out his sermons on Margins or books on moral boundaries.) For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6 that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. 7 For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. 8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.  1 Thessalonians 4: 3-8 This is a powerful passage.  First, it’s one of the few straightforward times that directly tells you the will of God.  It gives a specific call to moral purity, holiness, and a warning that God is the avenger of those who are taken advantage of.  We do well not to ignore these words. God calls us to purity, but purity is not the ultimate goal.  The goal is intimacy.  By intimacy, we mean “knowing and being fully known without fear of rejection”.  This is really what we all want, with other people and with God. Purity paves the way for Intimacy. I tell the men: Culture is lying to you.  It says you need to work on your sexual skills.  In truth, what you need to work on is your relational skills.  Because great sex is HIGHLY relational.  You practice your relational skills by learning to treat your mother kindly, listen to and care for your sisters, and interact with your Christian sisters.  Yes, being nice to your mom and sisters can have a direct impact on your future sex life.  Weird. Awkward.  True. I tell the women: You know that culture is lying to you as well. When a physical relationship ends, you feel insecure, angry, used.  Because sex is relational glue. Sex is this awesome, incredible gift, intended to connect two people who are merging living space, finances, meals, and dreams.  That’s HARD to do, and sex is this amazing physical, chemical, relational bond that draws you together and helps minimize someone’s annoying habits. The problem is when you spend that glue before marriage, you start minimizing warning signs, bonding to the wrong people, and stunting your communication skills because messing around physically is easier than working through differences. And the fear of rejection goes sky high. If you want true intimacy, walk the path of purity. How far is too far? Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise. Ephesians 5:15 He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe. Proverbs 28:26 Given these verses as a guideline, I leave you with a Common Sense approach that I so appreciate form Andy Stanley: The further you go, the faster you go The further you go, the further you want to go The further you go, the harder it is to go back Where you draw the line determines 3 things: The arena of your temptation The intensity of your temptation The consequences of giving in to temptation. So perhaps, the best question isn’t “How far can I go?”  Perhaps, a much better question is “How far do I want the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life to go right before they meet me?” Great sex is a gift from God.  So is fire.  In both cases, let’s use them as they are intended. Don’t get burned.

If I can think of one word to describe the culture we live in, it’s “Confused”.  Gender identity might be the battle that gets the biggest headlines, but it’s not like the vast majority of males and females are killing it. I believe that a paper understanding of our identity is key to stability, resiliency, purpose, and meaning.  A misunderstanding of identity leads to confusion, anxiety, and… basically the United States in 2017. On this week’s podcast I share a model for understanding our identity.  Here’s a short overview and the visual I described in the podcast.  If you want details, listen to the podcast. The overall premise is that getting our core identity right is essential to understanding all of the other roles in our life.  As parents, we have thousands of opportunity to encourage and reinforce healthy identity.  A vocabulary and a model will help you. Here are four layers of identity, in what I believe is the healthiest order: Starting from the center and working outward: A person made in the image of God:   “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.  Genesis 1:27   Our deepest value, and our greatest source of identity, should be that we are a special creation, a person made in the image of God.  Just like a Picasso drawing on a napkin would be priceless, we are priceless because of our Maker.  Nothing we achieve tops being an image bearer of God, capable of relationship with Him. A child of God: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 This is not our identity at birth, but is at rebirth.  Being a child of God entails so many things.  It means I’m loved, chosen, a Citizen of Heaven, Ambassador of God, a Saint, a Royal Priest, and much more. A Male or Female Gender is in our very DNA.  We are different by design, and it’s wonderful.  We are not made to be  cookie cutter stereotypes.  But we can find great strength and purpose in understanding that God did make men and women different for a reason.  At our church, we teach our kids, teens, and adults that A REAL Man Rejects Passivity Expects Gods Greater Reward Accepts Responsibility Leads Courageously For our little ones we say “You’re a man. That means that God made you strong to take care of others.” A Real Woman: Rejects Worldly Identity Expects God’s Greater Reward Acts with Strength and Wisdom Loves Others Boldly And in simple terms “You’re a woman. That means God made you graceful to heal others.” We can celebrate God’s give of one another, and our interdependence upon one another. World, Work, Warm, Wonder There is no doubt that our culture, our work, our family (warm) and our passions shape our identity.  The problem is when people start looking at these as their CORE identity.  For instance, if your CORE identity is in your job, 1) satisfaction is primarily derived from success, and 2) people become a commodity towards you achieving success.  What happens when you fail, what happens when your work consumes all else?  Ruin. This is a simple construct to try to make sense of a very complicated world.  Think about it.  Test it, and let me know how it holds up!    

I want to share with you two simple object lessons you can use with your kids encourage them to think different. And yes, I know it’s “think differently”.  But Apple made a bazillion dollars off of it’s “think different” ad campaign, so I’m sticking with it. Anyway, we know that we live in a culture that is continually pressuring kids to conform to patterns of destruction, all in the name of “not conforming.” Here’s a simple little illustration i did with the teens in our church, using two well know objects that you likely already have in your house.  If your teens are at CFBC and experienced the illustrations, ask them to repeat and explain them for you! Romans 12:2 tells us  “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” There are two important terms in this verse: Conform: to be pressed from the outside into a certain mold or pattern. Transform: to be changed from within. These concepts are key at EVERY age, and the same illustration works for children as well as teens.  It’s the discussion that will be a little different. Illustration 1:  Play Doh The reason we love Play Do is because we can conform it to so many different images.  How do we do this?  We apply pressure from the outside.  We manipulate it.  We tear it apart.  The more we pressure and squeeze it, the easier it is to manipulate. But Play Doh isn’t ever anything but Play Doh.  It doesn’t create any lasting work.  It can get brittle and dry and then is worthless to society.  As soon as Play Doh doesn’t serve our purpose, we discard it. This is a perfect image of conforming to this world.  We are pressure, influenced, and squeezed.  In the end, we are whatever the world wants us to be, until it’s done with us, and then we are discarded. The Bible calls us to not be conformed to this world.  As you sit and talk with your kids (even teenagers) and manipulate your Play Doh, ask what different factors pressure them.  Where are they tempted to conform to the world?  What do they think is the end result.  Encourage them to chose to not be Play-Doh Illustration 2: A Glass, a soda, and water To illustrate transformation, pour a nice tall glass of dark soda.  The glass represents us.  The soda represents what we put inside us.  Based on choices we make, things we experience, and the world we consume, we’ve become filled up with sticky, calorie filled darkness.  Coke may taste sweet, but we all know it’s wrecking us on the inside.  Transformation happens from the inside as well.  Romans 12:2 says that we are transformed by renewing our mind.  We renew our mind with God’s Word, Worship, Prayer, and Fellowship.  When we renew our minds, slowly the darkness inside us becomes light. A little bit each day, that which is unhealthy is replaced in us by that which is pure.  (This is not a salvation illustration, but a sanctification one).  If you pour long enough, you eventually transform the entire contents of the glass. This is what God calls us to do each day!  A continuous habit of renewables will transform us from the inside out!   There you have it.  Two simple, powerful illustrations that drive home the difference between conforming and transforming.  You want your children to think different.  Give them the tools to think different. Key questions I would ask my children along the way: Can you explain to me the difference between conforming and transforming? What are some areas where you feel like people are trying to get you to conform?  How do you feel about them?  What can you do about them? What are some habits we can commit to to transform from the inside out? What do we think might be the result of transforming from the inside out? This is a simple win.  Take it!  

In case you haven’t notices, your children typically have multiple character issues that need addressing.  Also, in case you haven’t noticed, they usually don’t appreciate when you address those issues. They especially don’t like when you bring up multiple issues all at once.  In that way, they’re like the rest of us humans.  But unlike the rest of humanity, children often have no sense of urgency in developing character habits, responsibility or personal industry.  Inside the safety of the home, there’s generally a buffer zone that protects them from some of the natural consequences they will face in the grown-up world.  This is a good thing, but can be frustrating as well. I feel like I have simple desires for my children: I just want them to treat each other kindly, to speak to me and their mother respectfully, to give their best to their homework and chores, to pick up after themselves, and to preemptively notice when things need to be done and help out sometimes. Sounds simple.  But apparently, it’s insanely hard.  And it takes thousands of repetitions and reminders.  And I get so very tired and frustrated. How do you train your kids to develop character, responsibility, and industry without living in constant tension or crushing their spirit? When my wife and I were going through foster parenting classes, they introduced us to a term that has been very helpful for me. Junk Behavior: Behaviors that are annoying, unpleasant, but not immediately harmful. In training us to bring very broken children into our home, we were coached that these kids would bring a whole hosts of undesirable habits with them.  As parents, our goal is to discern what’s most vitally important to our household, focus on these, and let some of the others slip by as “Junk behavior”.  It doesn’t mean that you have to acknowledge those behaviors are acceptable.  It means ignoring them until you deal with more pressing issues. This concept has been extremely helpful, not just in fostering, but in parenting our biological children as well.  A couple of the helpful results that came from adopting this strategy: It gave us the freedom to be inconsistent in our parenting. It calmed our frustrations that we might be raising social deviants. The freedom of inconsistency: I love all of my children to the fullest of my capacity.  But I don’t love them all the same.  I love them uniquely, because they are unique.  And while we try to maintain consistent character and standards in our home, rules are flexible based on a child’s ability and capacity.  For example, I have a little one who struggles greatly with impulse control, among other things. We have worked on the habit of waiting until we pray before we all start eating, but it is a nightly occurrence for her to get up from the table, go to the restroom, literally do a few cartwheels, and come sit back down.  She will get up from the table 4-6 times a meal in the evenings.  I hate it.  But I largely ignore it, because we are also working on eating with our utensils and not hands, taking part in dinner conversations without dominating or yelling, and we also want to find out about our other children’s day. No one else is allowed to do cartwheels at dinner.  But for our youngest, at this time, it’s junk behavior.  There will come a day when we will focus on this.  But it’s probably not going to be this evening. A calm parent produces less social deviants: That’s at least what I’m telling myself.  By choosing to ignore junk behavior, realizing that there’s plenty of time to “fix” some of these actions, I don’t build up steam so quickly. I pay more attention to heart issues.  I’m happier and less disappointed in my children and my parenting.  This makes me a better parent, I’m pretty sure.  I treat my children better when I’m in a good mood, and generally they reflect that behavior and will treat others better.  I don’t want to stay angry, frustrated, or nitpicky.  Hopefully, by prioritizing my battles, my children will take to heart the battles that are most important to me.  Besides, my goal isn’t to “battle” them anyway.  It’s to teach them to have character, love God, and be a helpful human. God puts up with SO MUCH junk behavior in our lives as He continues to sanctify us.  Aren’t you thankful He doesn’t zap you every time you blow it? So what behaviors are junk behaviors? This very much depends on your child, your household, and your situation.  I think all of the following COULD be considered a junk behavior, depending on the circumstance.  I’ll leave it to you, your spouse, and the Lord to discern what’s best in your current family stage: messy rooms dress and clothing (sloppiness and styles) sighing back-talking procrastination slang words (not cursing) table manners interrupting moodiness I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  ALL of these habits need to be addressed.  You’re just not going to be able to address them all at once.  Go for heart issues first!