ON BOYS Podcast

Maggie Dent   Please meet the marvelous Maggie Dent! Known in Australia as "the queen of common sense," Maggie is a teacher, counselor and dedicated BOY CHAMPION. She's a popular speaker, parenting educator and the author of 11 books, including the recently-released Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons.  She's also a whole lotta fun! (Maggie's "Bear Pit" story is not-to-be-missed!) You'll laugh -- learn a lot about what boys really need from their parents. Some wisdom from Maggie: Moms, be careful not to shatter your boys' dreams or fantastic plans with your words. It is helpful to explore why there is often a mismatch between what a mom thinks has happened, and what a boy thinks has happened. That whole perception that there is an inevitability to boys' behavior being bad is just the biggest fallacy out there that we must pull apart. This special episode is the first-ever gathering of Maggie, Jen & Janet, but it definitely won't be the last. In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: Why boys are struggling in the Western world How the male code stifles boys Why shaming is so harmful to boys Societal changes within the past 30 years that have made life tougher for boys & their families (including increased academic expectations & the demise of free play) The importance of PLAY Male loneliness (and how to help boys build connections) How moms can nurture their boys The link between movement and learning How negative stereotypes about boys & boy behavior affect how people view -- and treat -- boys What to do when boys muck up Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 139: maggiedent.com -- Maggie's website. Jam-packed with resources! Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons -- Maggie's latest book Stuart Brown: Play is More Than Fun - TED talk We hope you also enjoy Part 2 of our conversation with Maggie Dent! Don't miss it!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Tis the season for gift-giving, overspending & guilt. In today's consumer culture, there's intense pressure to show love and care for your family via material things. We give you permission to recognize that pressure and set it aside, whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, or something else. An abundance of gifts to open can actually be overwhelming for a child. (Never mind the parent who's stressed about paying off the credit card bill, and who will likely spend the next 12 months reminding the child to pick up the *&%* toys!) So this year, we encourage you to stop and think. Don't buy gifts reflexively, or because that's "what's expected" this time of year. Instead, think about the true essence of your holiday celebration. Think about your family values, and what you really want to teach your family. Think about your time, budget and energy levels, and then plan a holiday that's grounded in reality. The average American child already has 70-100 toys -- and toys are a leading cause of sibling fights and disagreements. If your holiday celebration will include gift giving, think out-of-the-box.In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How to introduce a less-is-more approach to gift-giving; Strategies to minimize gift fatigue; Why babies and toddlers don't need holiday gifts; How too many toys fuel sibling fights, and a lack of focus; Why you should steer clear of "one-trick" toys; Cheap, creative gifts for boys of all ages, including a do-it-yourself marble run, "creation kits," and experience presents, such as museum memberships or tickets to a show Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Janet Allison   Baby Boomers. Gen X. Millennials. And now, iGen. According to psychology professor Jean Twenge, the members of iGen include the children and young adults born between 1995 and 2012. And what sets these kids apart from previous generations, she says, is their near-constant connection to the Internet. Theirs is a generation shaped by the smartphone and concomitant rise of social media...members of this generation are growing up with smartphones, have an Instagram account before they start high school, and do not remember a time before the internet. Compared to previous generations, Twenge says, members of iGen are: Less independent Less eager to drive Less likely to socialize in person Less likely to work Less likely to get seven hours of sleep per night More likely to report anxiety and depression That list is enough to give any parent or teacher palpitations! But is it a fair depiction of today's youth? Are "kids today" really that different from their parents and grandparents -- and that unprepared for adult life? And if so, are smartphones really the culprit? And if so, what do we do about it? If you're parenting or teaching iGen, you're gonna want to listen to this episode! In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Intra-generational gaps within iGen The 10 important trends shaping iGen How constant connectivity can increase anxiety The "Wait 'til 8th" movement How parents can give their kids a break from tech Why technology might not be to blame for all of these problems The power of board games and playing cards How to encourage free play and tactile exploration in the digital age Why we should expect the best Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 137: iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy -- and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood -- and What That Means for the Rest of Us -- Twenge's latest book Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation? - Atlantic article by Jean Twenge, adapted from iGen What the Times Got Wrong About Kids and Phones -- Columbia Journalism Review article Episode 106: Screens & Boys The Big Myth of Teenage Anxiety: Relax - The Digital Age is Not Wrecking Your Kid's Brain -- NYT article by psychiatrist Richard A. Friedman Is Screen Time Really All That Bad? – Building Boys post by JenAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Cindi Albright via Flickr   We talk a lot about what's hard about parenting. About all of the important things you need to and should do with your boys. This Thanksgiving, we talk about why we're thankful for boys.  Let us count the ways: They expand our worldview and experience. The boys in our lives introduce us to hobbies, interests and events we didn't even know existed! (Did you know that that there's a Green Industry & Equipment Expo? Jen didn't -- until her 12-year-old entrepreneur asked if they can go.) Their "ginormous" hearts. As one Mom told Janet, "My boys will always tell me they love me." Boys may express their love differently than girls, but they have huge hearts and give so much love. The privilege of shaping future men. Boys Alive member Luis told us he's grateful for the privilege of shaping "future honorable men." We are too. And we're so grateful for all the dads, grandpas, uncles and others who are also helping us build great men. They inspire us be better people. Joseph, another Boys Alive member,  says he's thankful for his son's "admiration for me -- which is motivation for me to be what he should look up to." They show us how to relax & have fun. Building Boys member Laura says, "I love that my little boys have taught me to loosen up and have fun wrestling and just being silly. I love that they're so comfortable dressing up to play 'Let's Pretend.' I love that they itch to get outside and run around and play all day...They are teaching me patience, courage and that fine balance between keeping them safe and letting them take those important risks." (If that doesn't sum up the experience of raising boys, I don't know what does!) They stretch our comfort zone. When we see our boys doing something out of our comfort zone -- or when we're called upon to do something beyond our comfort zone -- it's easy to panic and say no. But often, our love for our boys inspires us to wait, to watch, and to say yes. We see our boys (or ourselves) accomplish something we'd previously thought "too hard" or "too risky," and gain confidence. We realize that we're more capable than we ever thought. They help us better understand half the world. We've learned so much about men by watching, listening to and learning from our boys! As Carma, a BuildingBoys member, told us, "I learned to see life from a male perspective and was shocked to learn there are stereotypes and expectations on males too." Males and females approach the world differently, and that's OK. They increase our tolerance. Boys have taught us to enjoy and appreciate mess, chaos and physical energy. They teach us that fighting is OK. As women, we often get the message the fighting is "bad." Parenting and teaching boys has shown us that it's OK -- and even healthy -- to disagree and stand your ground. People can fight, and still be friends. They challenge our beliefs. Before boys, Jen was sure she'd have a "no gun" household. Four boys later, her house contains a virtual arsenal of Nerf weapons and Airsoft guns, and she's learned that there's no evidence to link "violent" play with real-life violence. Tell us: Why are you thankful for your boys? We'd love to hear your thoughts! There are a few slight audio glitches in this episode. We apologize for any inconvenience. Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 136: 7 Reasons I'm Thankful for My BoysAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Whitney H via Flickr Some call the tween years a "second toddlerhood." Like toddlers, tweens are striving for independence and determined to do things on their own. Except when they'd rather not. Some days, they want nothing more than to be little kids again, cuddled in your lap. The mood swings of tween boys catch many parents off guard, especially parents who mistakenly bought into the idea that "boys are easier." Truth is, the tween years are a challenge: for you, and for your kids. That's because a lot of physical, neurological and emotional growth happens between the ages of 10 and 14. Your boys are changing -- so quickly, in fact, that it is literally difficult to keep up. Whether this is your first or third (or seventh!) time through the tween years, you likely need support, information and humor.  We're here to give it to you. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Common reactions to the tween years Why your kids need reassurance during their tweens How the physical changes of tween-dom lead to common behavioral changes (Hint: increased testosterone leads to increased body odor and increased risk-taking) The 10-year gap between experience emotions, and learning to control them Why the tween years can be emotionally triggering for parents The importance of self-care during the tween years "Potted plant" parenting  -- and why it may be the best way to parent tweens and teens Sam's 24 Hour Garage Challenge The value of playfulness (for tweens and their parents!) Mental health concerns in the tween years (the peak onset age for most mental health disorders is 14) Why you must make sure your son is connected with adult males Jen's 3 Tips for Surviving the Tween Years Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 135: Top 6 Tips for Parenting Tween Boys 120: Hygiene Help for Tween & Teen Boys Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, by Daniel J Siegel, MD What Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents -- NYT article by Lisa Damour 123: The Good News about Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis 110: Talk to Boys about Sex with Amy Lang 128: 21st Century Sex Ed with Jo Langford Author Ann Douglas on How to Health Boys with Mental Health Challenges -- Q & A with the author of Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems 132: Risk-Taking Boys with Mom Judi Ketteler Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School, by John Medina.  Also:  Attack of the Teenage BrainAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Linda Severson via Flickr   Traditional societies had many (often elaborate) rites of passage for boys and girls. On the South Pacific island of Vanuatu, boys become men after diving off rickety 40 foot platforms -- toward the ground. (You may have seen or heard about this tradition on National Geographic.) In the Sioux culture, young boys were raised predominantly by their mothers; as they became men, their fathers took over their training. And in some traditional African tribes, a boy's passage to manhood is marked by time alone in nature and circumcision. Here in the United States (and in most developed countries), there aren't really any well-recognized rites of passage to adulthood. Sure, many Jewish boys still have a Bar Mitzvah at age 13 and many Christians become full adult members in their churches after undergoing Confirmation, but neither ritual is well-recognized in the larger world as a marker of adulthood. Instead, the line between childhood, adolescence and adulthood remains blurry. According to The Art of Manliness, "At the heart of the modern crisis of manhood is the extension of adolescence, a boyhood which is stretching on for a longer and longer period of time. Once thought to end in a man’s 20s at the latest, men are extending their adolescence into their 30’s and in some especially sad cases, their 40’s. But in some ways it’s not their fault. It’s the fault of a culture in which rites of passage have all but disappeared, leaving men adrift and lost, never sure when and if they’ve become men. Today’s men lack a community of males to initiate them into manhood and to recognize their new status. Across time and place, cultures have inherently understood that without clear markers on the journey to manhood, males have a difficult time making the transition and can drift along indefinitely." In this episode, Janet discusses: Why men -- not women -- must lead rites of passage for boys How rites of passage affirm the value (and role) of men in society Common components of traditional rites of passage The risks (& harms) that can occur when boys initiate themselves into manhood Barriers to rites of passage in the modern world (a culture of individualism, mistrust of religion and 'strangers') How (& why) to create your own rites of passage Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 134: Inner Guide ExpeditionsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Enjoy this episode from our archives - it's too good to miss! AND if you're intrigued by what you hear, consider joining co-host Janet Allison for her upcoming online class: "5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting."  All the deets are here:  http://boysalive.com/untangle   If your kids always do what they're told, consistently treat others with kindness and never over-react to unintended slights, you can skip this episode. If not -- WELCOME! Your child is 100% normal, and you're going to love this conversation with Jen, Janet and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior. In her book, Lewis writes: If you look around and see misbehaving, undisciplined children everywhere, it's not just imagination. Children today are fundamentally different from past generations. They truly have less self-control. Simply put, we face a crisis of self-regulation. Lewis's observations of her own children, and comments from other parents, led her on a six-year exploration of behavior, parenting and neurobiology -- and points the way toward parenting techniques we can begin adapting right now to improve our children's behavior. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katherine discuss: The dramatic increase in mental health problems in today's youth What self-regulation is, why it's important, and how to develop it in our kids How to shift your mindset from "How do I control my children?" to "How do I teach them to control themselves?" Progress, not perfection How to shift from a reactive model of parenting to thoughtful, deliberate parenting The "mumble and walk away technique" (Trust us: this can change your parenting for the better!) 3 common characteristics of research-backed models of discipline: connection, communication & capability How to use physical touch to help your child self-regulate Why kids need to do hard stuff -- & the link between failure & self-esteem The relationship between risk & capability ("Early risky experiences seem to inoculate kids from later phobias & anxiety," Lewis says. She also says, "Kids should do something a little bit risky every day.") Why you should watch out for the word "should" How to find support as you practice a new model of parenting Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 123: katherinereynoldslewis.com -- Katherine's author website. Contains a lot of info about her book and a complete list of her speaking gigs. Teaching Consent to a 12-Year-Old Boy -- the backstory behind the "bathroom email" referenced at about 7:16 Why Boys Do What They Do -- blog post about Jen's son pulling himself around the bases (referenced at 8:00) Episode 111: Self-Esteem & Boys Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys BuildingBoys private FB group -- Jen's online parenting community. We welcome parents of boys of all ages, but seem to specialize in helping each other navigate the tween and teen years. A consistently supportive community, filled with tenderness, honesty and compassion. Boys Alive! Supporting Parents and Teachers of Boys at Home and in School FB group -- Janet's online community. This supportive community stands ready to answer your questions, share their hard-won wisdom, and commiserate and send virtual hugs when needed. Janet invites you to explore these - and other - parenting concepts in her 6 week class: The 5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting.  Click here for more details and registration.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Would you let your 10-year-old son hang out with a bunch of teenagers you haven’t met? Would you let him attempt a double or triple flip in the trampoline in the backyard – or manage his own Instagram account? Writer and mom Judi Ketteler has. In a society that spends so much time telling boys to sit down and shut up, Judi has found a way to facilitate her son’s interests and personal growth, even though her son’s preferred sport, Gtramp, is risky and unregulated.  She’s found ways to say yes, rather than no, and her son is thriving as a result. If you’re not familiar with Gtramp, your son might be. Backyard “flippers” are extremely popular on YouTube and Instagram, particularly among tween boys. They’ve created a whole subculture, which Judi documented for the New York Times and explores with her son Maxx. Judi Ketteler w her husband, son Maxx & daughter Georgia Judi describes the experience of watching her son try new tricks on the trampoline as a “balance of absolute terror with absolute awe” – which, when you think about it, is also a pretty good description of parenting. In this episode, Jen & Judi discuss: Balancing safety concerns against the risk of inhibiting our boys’ motivation Making space for your kids to pursue their passions The sport of GTramp How kids can use YouTube to teach themselves the things they want to learn Learning to trust your son’s judgement The power of peer influence Helping tweens navigate social media “Digital training wheels” How self-directed learning helps kids find community Dealing with judgmental parents Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 132: Kaboom! Cody! Rudi! Young Flippers Embrace Gtramp, a New Sport for the Instagram Set -- Judi's NYT article about Gramp When is a Child Instagram-Ready?  -- Judi's NYT article about helping her son join Instagram @maxx_flippz -- Maxx on Instagram Maxx on his bike judiketteler.com -- Judi's websiteAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Pascal Maramis via Flickr How do you respond to phone calls and emails from teachers about your son's misbehavior? Excerpts of actual emails I've received from my son's teachers: On Tuesday, Sam was sitting in a chair with his legs on a stool, he was flipping it and turning the stool with his legs and feet. I made eye contact with him and shook my head. He smiled and then slithered around on the floor... ... Subject line: Bathroom Issue It was reported to me by another teacher that Sam *came up to a student and flipped him off and then was using his fingers to poke the student in the stomach *jumped up on the urinal ledge *sat on the wall *pulling down of pants in front of a student and then walked over to go to the urinal to pee and with his pants down went back to the student and started to poke his stomach again. ... ....Today, Sam, along with many others, was very disruptive by talking, laughing, blurting out, and trying to gain peer attention...The whole class was given a reminder on my expectations and Sam was given a personal reminder in addition to that. The disruption continues. Then, Sam took his scissors out of his box and began to open and close them.... Even after 20 years of parenting boys, I'm still not quite sure how to respond to emails like this -- how to best support my son and his teacher while trying to preserve my son's love of learning. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How teachers can adapt instruction to be more boy-friendly (Hint: Front-load the lesson with tactile, kinesthetic activities instead of starting with a lot of verbal instruction) How to talk to boys about behavior without shaming them The importance of mutual respect -- between teachers and students, parents and kids, teachers and parents How parents, teachers and students can work together toward mutually satisfactory solutions Teaching kids what "respect" looks like in a classroom The benefit of focusing on what's right How to help kids develop self-regulation skills The 3 things you absolutely must do when you receive a phone call or email from your son's teacher (#1: Breathe!) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 131: Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis Want Your Son To Succeed in School? Don't Fixate on Academics -- U.S. News & World Report article by JenAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

HOMEWORK can bring out the worst in us...and our kids. We wonder if we should force them to do it (again) or if we can just stop having them do it all together because the conflict is too great. Is it really important?  How do you manage - and help your son manage? In this re-broadcast of Episode 101, you'll find information and courage to choose the homework path that is right for your family. Photo by Lars Plougmann via Flickr Few things cause boys (and their families) as much stress as HOMEWORK. In many cases, homework battles turn into outright power struggles -- with no winners. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why boys struggle with homework The impact of homework on boys' academic achievement What to do about "meaningless" homework How a "too cool for school" attitude can interfere with learning Why arguing about homework might not be the best use of your time and energy Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 101 How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1 By Jennifer LW Fink How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 2 By Jennifer LW Fink Homework Tip #3: Let Your Kids Figure Out When & Where to Work by Jennifer LW Fink Homework at My House by Jennifer LW Fink Homework Solutions in the Age of Distraction by Devorah Heitner, Phd ==================== Watch the UNCUT version on Youtube here. ==================== What great solutions have you found that work with your boys?  Please share!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy