ON BOYS Podcast

One of our jobs, as parents and educators of boys, is to help them learn how to deal with tough emotions -- including grief. As much as we want to, we can't protect our boys from hurt. Loved ones die. Parents divorce Friends move. Boys fail to achieve important goals, and experience rejection from peers. Grief hurts. It comes and goes. Or it just stays and never seems to go away... Everyone handles grief differently. Boys tend to handle grief MUCH differently - we may be surprised AND concerned when we don't see our boys cry after a major loss. . Tom Golden, a therapist has worked with hundreds of boys and their families, has some great tips for helping boys him navigate grief. Speaking of grief: Janet is taking some time as she has just helped her dad wind down his life (only weeks after an epic trip to England). He died with a dream realized and we are celebrating that! In this episode, Jen & Tom discuss: What cross-cultural research tells us about how males & females grieve How action helps boys heal The link between safety & storytelling -- and how both are necessary to help boys who are grieving How to identify your son's "safe place" The physiological reason your boy might not cry Precarious manhood How parallel, shoulder-to-shoulder activities can help you connect with your boy What NOT to say to a grieving boy -- & what to say instead Why honoring the deceased via action is so important & meaningful to boys & men Red flags that might indicate a need for professional help Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 129: Getting Closer to Boys -- Tom's website that helps moms better understand boys TGolden.com -- Tom's professional website (and a great place to explore ALL of his work) Helping Mothers Be Closer to Their Sons: Understanding the Unique World of Boys, by Tom Golden If you are grieving, we send you hugs.  Know that you are not alone. <3Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jo LangfordSex educator & author The standard "birds and bees" sex talk doesn't work any more. (If it ever really did!) Today, parents have to address pornography, homosexuality, gender and consent. If you feel nervous tackling those topics, don't worry. You're not alone. Sex educator and therapist Jo Langford routinely helps parents navigate these tricky conversations. Langford is the author of Spare Me the Talk!: A Guy's Guide to Sex, Relationships and Growing Up and The Pride Guide: The Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, the first book about sex and sexuality written specifically for LGBTQ tweens and teens. Langford is also the father of a teenage boy and tween girl. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jo discuss: How to support 21st century kids, even if you don't yet know what cisgender means Inclusive language - & why it's important (Hint: when you start talking about sex, you probably won't know if your child is gay, straight or trans, and the words you use can lead to alienation or signal acceptance.) How to help boys understand gender fluidity The influence of culture on boys' attitudes towards sex and gender How to respond when boys use the word "gay" as an insult or putdown What teens want their parents to discuss with them (Spoiler: technology!) How teens use screens to explore their sexuality and develop relationships - & how parents can help their kids navigate the digital world How to protect kids from accidental porn exposure (Hint: blocking software is your friend) Age-appropriate language you can use to discuss porn with your boys Jo's "50% rule" for porn Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 126: behereos.net -- Jo's website, featuring his talks, speaking schedule & free downloads (including Porn: The Guide to a Healthy Grab-It Habit) Spare Me 'The Talk!': A Guy's Guide to Sex, Relationship, and Growing Up, by Jo Langford The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, by Jo Langford When Children Say They're Trans -- The Atlantic article Episode 110: Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang Why Inclusive Sex Ed is So Important -- article by JenAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"My son just turned 14 & his girlfriend is 13, and he doesn't understand why I won't leave them alone in my house. Am I being over protective of BOTH of them? I feel a duty of care to his girlfriend. I know how easily things can turn from innocent to not-so-innocent. They are both physically mature. Help!" -- Kathleen   Photo by Robyn Gallant via Flickr Helping boys (and girls) navigate the ins-and-outs of relationships isn't easy. It's also one of our most important jobs. The groundwork and guidelines we establish will set the tone for our kids' behavior and relationship expectations for years to come. It's not enough to simply say, "Stay safe." And it's not practical (or even advisable) to say, "No dating!" Somehow, we need to give our children room to explore and experiment with emotional and physical intimacy, while also teaching them respect and boundaries. While dealing with teenagers. Who are sure they know everything. Not easy. We're here to help you muddle through.   In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The changing definition of "girlfriend" -- & why it's important to ask your son what the term means to him How family rules & values can help you (& your teen) navigate relationships Why it's so important to discuss relationships, consent & sex with your boys, beginning when they're young How to connect with the family of your son's GF (& why you might want to) Why it's more beneficial to talk about what to do in a relationship than what not to do How relationships can help your son expand his emotional vocabulary Why you might want to invest in a box of condoms. Even if your son is only 10. Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 127: Episode 110: Talk to Boys about Sex with Amy Lang Episode 119: Consent with Mike Domritz Talking to Boys about Sexually Aggressive Girls -- BuildingBoys post about how to help your son handle sexual pressureAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo via PixaBay A listener asked us, "How do you gently encourage/educate your boy's teacher on what boys need and how to help them, rather than shame them, when they have gone into anger?" The short answer: It ain't easy, but it's so, so worth it! Many teachers know very little about the specific developmental trajectory and needs of boys; teacher training often does not include a course that delves into gender-related differences in learning and communication. Some teachers naturally "get" boys; others are easily overwhelmed by boys' energy. Most teachers, however, sincerely want to help children. They're eager to learn, and usually quite open to partnering with students' parents. After all, parents have had years to figure out their child's trigger points and preferred calming strategies; teachers only get a few months. Also: the research has consistently shown that what's good for boys is good for learning. Increasing recess time actually improves student focus, decreases off-task behavior (by as much as 25%, according to at least one study!) and increases academic achievement. But how do you share information about boys' needs with your sons' teachers? Very carefully. According to Janet & Jen, timing is everything; don't approach a teacher at the end of a busy day or during morning drop-off, and definitely DO NOT fire off an email or text to your son's teacher when you are angry. Share specific information about your boy before gently segueing to a more general discussion of boys' needs. Try framing your comments in a way that shows empathy. Saying something like, "Before I had Caleb, I didn't realize..." is one way to acknowledge the fact that you yourself had a lot to learn about boys-- and may inspire your son's teacher to reflect on her own knowledge of boys. If your son's teacher is interested in learning more, consider sharing a book or articles with her. (Some of our favorites are listed in the show notes below.) A school or community-wide book study is a great way to increase awareness of boys' needs too -- and may be the way to increase boys' engagement and academic achievement. Janet and Jen are available to speak at your school and bring a wealth of wisdom, humor, and empathy to both parents and teachers. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The right time to talk "boy" with your son's teacher When -- and how -- to involve administration How to use the school's discipline referral data to identify opportunities for improvement How parents can work together to make a school more boy-friendly Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 126: BOKS Kids-- Reebok-sponsored, parent-inspired before & after school activity program 7 Ways Teachers Can Make School Better for Boys -- BuildingBoys blog post BuildingBoys Resource List Writing the Playbook: A Practitioner's Guide to Creating a Boy-Friendly School, by Kelley King Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, by Stephen James & David S. Thomas The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School & in Life, by Michael Gurian US! We can come to your school, library or community & educate parents & teachers about boys. Click on the picture below to send us a message. We'll be in touch as soon as possible!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Brent Gambrell via Flickr   1 in 2 children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or substance addiction by age 18.  We parents like to think that if we "do everything right," our kids will be mentally and physically healthy with nary a care in the world. But that's not the case. The truth is that mental health challenges, including depression and anxiety, affect people of all ages from every segment of society -- including Jen, who was diagnosed with double depression in her mid-30s. Sadly, boys & men are far less likely to seek help for a mental health condition than girls and women. Fear of looking "weak" or "unmanly" causes many guys to bottle up their feelings, with potentially disastrous results. (In 2016, white males accounted for 7 of 10 suicides in the United States.) Anxiety and depression, the two most common mental health disorders, are highly treatable, but too many children and families suffer alone. Only about 40% of children and teens with anxiety or depression receive treatment. Intervening when your son exhibits symptoms of anxiety or depression can change the trajectory of his life, for the better. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How persistent stigma keeps families from acknowledging and seeking help for anxiety & depression (4:05) Symptoms of anxiety and depression in boys & men (4:56; 10:59;16:49) The link between anxiety & depression and risk-taking behavior, including drug use and promiscuous sex (7:40) Breaking through denial (11:53) How to help your child, even if no one else thinks there's a problem (13:45) or you have a hard time accessing mental health services (14:01) The difference between "worry" and "anxiety" (17:46) The link between anxiety & depression (20:44) How to find professional help, including online counseling (24:42) How to identify a boy-friendly therapist or counselor (27:53) The importance of self-care when dealing with a family member's mental health issues (29:30) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 125: The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever and What to Do About It -- book by Katherine Reynolds Lewis Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis Episode 115: The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell Author Ann Douglas on How to Help Boys with Mental Health Challenges -- BuildingBoys blog post Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems -- book by Ann Douglas Episode 114: Sleepover, Summer Camp & Separation Anxiety National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) K'Bro -- emotional resiliency app/game that helps boys identify and manage emotions ManTherapy -- interactive website that just might appeal to older teen boys who are otherwise resistant to seeking help TalkSpace -- offers anonymous, online counseling with licensed therapistsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by ThoseGuys 199 via Flickr It's back to school time!  But despite the smiley faces pictured in many back-to-school ads, the start of a new academic year doesn't exactly generate feelings of enthusiasm and excitement in many boys (or their parents). For many families, back-to-school time is synonymous with dread, fear and anxiety. In fact, the number of boys who don't like school has increased over the past generation. In 1980, 14% of boys said they didn't like school. By 2001, 24% of boys -- nearly one-quarter -- said they disliked school. Today, the number is likely even higher. We get it: school isn't always a boy-friendly place. Boys who have experienced failure and shame in school aren't likely to suddenly develop an optimistic attitude toward school. That's where you come in. There's a lot parents and teachers can do to preserve boys' love of learning, and set them up for a successful school year, including introducing them to new rules and teachers well before the first day and creating morning and after-school routines that respect boys' need for movement. Also important: learning about boys' natural development, so you can better understand why so many boys struggle in school. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The unique challenges boys face in modern classrooms, including early academic pressure and expectations that aren't aligned with boy development  (3:25 & 9:15)) Why it's important to tackle your own unresolved issues and values regarding learning and education (4:00) How to help boys starting preschool (6:30) Why you need to explicitly outline behavior expectations for school and home (12:04) How unscheduled downtime helps boys learn (14:05) Why you should focus on developing boys' social-emotional skills (14:58) Setting screen time limits (15:50) Why (& when) it's OK to prioritize life over homework (16:40) The "potted plant" method of parenting -- & how to use it to support teen boys (18:00) How to help your boys get organized (19:23) Why letting our boys fail will ultimately allow them to succeed (20:36) How to get teenage boys to talk about school (22:00) Helps boys transition to high school (22:50) How teachers can connect with boys (25:42) How humor can help you deal with setbacks (29:23) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 124: Episode 101: Homework & Boys Episode 106: Screens & Boys 7 Ways Teachers Can Make School Better for Boys -- BuildingBoys blog post Boys & School -- classic BuildingBoys post about the challenges Jen's son Sam encountered when he started school 5 Back-to-School ResolutionsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If your kids always do what they're told, consistently treat others with kindness and never over-react to unintended slights, you can skip this episode. If not -- WELCOME! Your child is 100% normal, and you're going to love this conversation with Jen, Janet and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior. In her book, Lewis writes: If you look around and see misbehaving, undisciplined children everywhere, it's not just imagination. Children today are fundamentally different from past generations. They truly have less self-control. Simply put, we face a crisis of self-regulation. Lewis's observations of her own children, and comments from other parents, led her on a six-year exploration of behavior, parenting and neurobiology -- and points the way toward parenting techniques we can begin adapting right now to improve our children's behavior. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katherine discuss: The dramatic increase in mental health problems in today's youth What self-regulation is, why it's important, and how to develop it in our kids How to shift your mindset from "How do I control my children?" to "How do I teach them to control themselves?" Progress, not perfection How to shift from a reactive model of parenting to thoughtful, deliberate parenting The "mumble and walk away technique" (Trust us: this can change your parenting for the better!) 3 common characteristics of research-backed models of discipline: connection, communication & capability How to use physical touch to help your child self-regulate Why kids need to do hard stuff -- & the link between failure & self-esteem The relationship between risk & capability ("Early risky experiences seem to inoculate kids from later phobias & anxiety," Lewis says. She also says, "Kids should do something a little bit risky every day.") Why you should watch out for the word "should" How to find support as you practice a new model of parenting Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 123: katherinereynoldslewis.com -- Katherine's author website. Contains a lot of info about her book and a complete list of her speaking gigs. Teaching Consent to a 12-Year-Old Boy -- the backstory behind the "bathroom email" referenced at about 7:16 Why Boys Do What They Do -- blog post about Jen's son pulling himself around the bases (referenced at 8:00) Episode 111: Self-Esteem & Boys Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys BuildingBoys private FB group -- Jen's online parenting community. We welcome parents of boys of all ages, but seem to specialize in helping each other navigate the tween and teen years. A consistently supportive community, filled with tenderness, honesty and compassion. Boys Alive! Supporting Parents and Teachers of Boys at Home and in School FB group -- Janet's online community. This supportive community stands ready to answer your questions, share their hard-won wisdom, and commiserate and send virtual hugs when needed. Janet invites you to explore these - and other - parenting concepts in her 6 week class: The 5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting.  Click here for more details and registration.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

photo by J.K. Califf via Flickr The word co-parenting is typically associated with divorce, but maybe it's time to change that association. After all, the term refers to shared responsibility for parenting. In the world of divorce, it means that both parents share responsibility for big decisions (like healthcare and education), and both parents share the mundane, day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, like feeding the children and getting them to and from activities. Shared parenting is another term that's often used interchangeably with co-parenting, and we think all parents -- married, divorced, or single -- would do well to think of parenting as a cooperative venture. As divorced parents, we know that co-parenting often means coming to terms with the fact that you cannot control how your ex parents. After divorce, it is impossible for one parent to dictate what the children eat or when they go to bed. Often, the parents will arrive at a general consensus, but each is free to parent as he or she sees fit during his or her time with the children. And that, we think, is a model worth embracing, especially because the research has shown that: Moms tend to "take over" parenting and push dads out of the way Father involvement is crucially important to the healthy development of children, particularly boys Learning to co-parent effectively can make your life easier, and improve your son's overall well-being. Our special guest this episode is Brandie Weikle, editor and publisher of The New Family and host of The New Family podcast. Brandie is also a divorced mom of two boys. Brandie Weikle   In this episode, Jen, Janet & Brandie discuss: What married parents can learn from divorced & single parents Warren Farrell's four "must-dos" for divorced parents (& how married parents can adapt them to improve their-parenting relationship) The challenges of co-parenting How co-parenting benefits kids -- and parents Tips for effective shared parenting Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 122: Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? - BuildingBoys post about how Jen discovered the value of co-parenting The New Family -- Brandie Weikle's website. Includes links to the New Family podcast. How to Co-Parent Well Through Separation, Divorce & Beyond -- webinar featuring Brandie & family mediator Rosanna Breitman Episode 115: The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell An Open Letter to Drake About Co-Parenting - New Family post by Brandie Weikle and Heather FeldsteinAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Anna Mayer via Flickr If you have more than one child, you have sibling stress. Bickering! Fighting! Maybe even bullying. Seeing -- and hearing -- our children torment each other is major source of stress and family conflict. We wonder, Have I failed? Are my children doomed to become jerks? Will they EVER get along? Should I intervene? Or let them work it out on their own?  Jen and Janet are here to tell you that sibling stress is NORMAL. Your kids' arguing and bickering does not mean that they hate one another -- though it can certainly seem that way in the moment. But the reality is that sibling fights help children discover and learn limits, empathy and social behavior. Between brothers, fights can even promote bonding. You don't have to stand idly by, though, while your children scream, shout and throw things at one another. If someone is in immediate emotional or physical danger, intervene ASAP. And during periods of calm, there's a lot you can do to encourage healthy sibling relationships. You can: Explicitly discuss the importance of siblings Outline your expectations, i.e., You must always ask before touching or using anything that belongs to your sibling Avoid unnecessary meddling Teach negotiation and compromise Limit the amount of "stuff" in your home (the more material possessions kids have, the more they fight) In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why moms, in particular, struggle with sibling fights How sibling relationships change over the years (Yes, there is hope!) Red-flag behavior (or, how to tell when you have to intervene) How parents can encourage healthy sibling relationships What to do about name-calling "Family hate" Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 121: Fight! -- classic BuildingBoys blog post (includes a super-cute picture of Jen's two oldest boys when they were much younger) Help! My Son Hates His Siblings! -- Micro-course led by Janet. Work at your own pace in this self contained course. Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post Do Your Boys Bicker? -- YouTube video featuring JenAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The shower at Jen's house Have a boy who hates to shower? You are not alone! When a mom recently asked the Building Boys Facebook group, "Anyone else have a teenage boy who hates to shower?" she was quickly inundated with support and sympathy. Personal hygiene, it seems, is not a priority for most tween and teen boys. Lots of moms said they're dealing with the exact same issue. Others said that their boys spend a lot of time in the shower, but come out with unwashed, still-dirty hair. Is this lack of interest in appearance and, um, smell, merely a stage that will resolve without intervention? Or should parents and teachers take a more active role in teaching and reinforcing hygiene habits? Turns out, the best approach is actually a combination of those two strategies. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: WHY some boys seems oblivious to their own stench The essential role of 5th grade teachers in the hygiene battle How colored liquid soap can help boys shower effectively "Man soap" vs. "girly soap" Axe bombs (Don't know what that is? Listen in at 12:41!) When -- and how -- to have the hygiene talk When boys should start using deodorant - & how to make sure your boys use it regularly (Listen carefully for Jen's pro tips!) The role of role-modeling in personal hygiene How to get the stench out of your boys' gym clothes and sports uniforms Tooth brushing (Spoiler: Instill good tooth brushing habits when you boys are young!) Hair care How to combine male bonding and hygiene rituals (not as weird as it sounds!) BEING NEUTRAL! Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 120: Boying Up: How to be Brave, Bold and Brilliant. by Mayim Bialik -- A great book to leave laying around the house. Includes detailed hygiene instructions for boys. Parenting Teen Boys Is... -- BuildingBoys post by Jen. Includes this pic: Why Do Teenagers Smell Bad? Study Suggests They May Be Unable to Detect Own Scent -- report of Danish researchAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy